Hey gang. Sorry I didn't blog last night. Grace woke up and interrupted me mid-blogging. (Damn kids.)

Today the weather was gorgeous so we were outside all... day... long. A few pictures...








Let's review some of the day's events, shall we?

* Grace wore that shirt all day. It says, "Mippy... Kickin' Ass in 2005". It made me laugh everytime I read it.

* We stopped at my mother-in-law's house, where Grace just had to tell her to look at her shirt and asked her what it said.

* Was glad my MIL was smart enough not to read the "kickin' ass" part out loud. Was also happy she's cool and laughed, asking me where Grace got the shirt. (My mom would have a fucking COW if she ever saw my child wearing it.)

* Grace got shit on by a bird at the playground. She was pissed, but I almost pissed myself laughing.

* We all managed to nap this afternoon. That never happens.

* Got a call about a telecommuting editing gig. We'll see how that pans out.

* Steve hung a tennis ball from a rope in our tree out back and provided the girls with hours of entertainment. Score 1 for Steve.

* Gathered up our tax information. Because there's nothing like waiting until the last possible second...

* Was ecstatic when Grace said she wanted to skip gymnastics class tonight and just play outside. Thank you, my child.

* Decided that the dude from "Numb3rs" looks ridiculous with his hair like that. (It's now much, much longer than in that picture.)

* Laughed when Hannah called Steve "a freakin' whackjob." (She's really taken a liking to that term, no?)

Thursday Thirteen

THIRTEEN PEOPLE I'D LIKE TO BITCH SLAP.
(SOME GENERAL, SOME SPECIFIC.)

1. Snobs. I hate snobs. Despise them. And I don't mean women who happen to like nice things. Hell, we'd all like nice things. I'm talking about the ones that think they're better than me because they drive/wear/live in/eat better things than I do. Bite me, bitches.

2. Kathy Lee Gifford. Seriously. Does anyone like her? Damn freak.

3. Psycho Sports Parents. You know the ones. The ones that think their daughter/son is the best gymnast/soccer player/football player/etc. ever to walk on the planet. The ones that fight with the refs and other parents if (god forbid) a call is made against their child. And the ones that force their children to train for countless hours a day because it was their dream when they were a child and they've decided to live vicariously through their children.

4. Mike Tyson. Fucking animal. Seriously. The guy should be chained up somewhere and left to starve to death.

5. Tom Cruise. Take it down a few notches dude. You've turned into a damn freak. (And I've never thought you were even remotely attractive, so there.)

6. Bill Collectors That Call My House. Newsflash to you people. I know I'm overdue with my credit card/car/cable payment/etc. I don't need you to remind me. And you calling my home to inform me of it isn't going to magically put the money in my account, allowing me to suddenly be able to pay you. So leave me the fuck alone, will ya? Because the more you call, the longer I'll wait to pay you. On purpose.

7. People who are rude to cashiers, waitresses, etc. when what they're pissed about is in no way, shape, or form that person's fault. Don't yell at the waitress because your steak is overdone. She didn't cook it. Don't yell at the cashier because there's only one register open and tons of people wanting to check out. She is checking people out, so yell at the manager who isn't opening anymore lines. Don't yell at the woman working at the customer service desk when you're returning an item that you hated/broke/had parts missing/etc. She didn't invent it, produce it, or force you to buy it.

8. Guys in minivans that feel the need to show us how much testosterone they have (despite the fact that they're driving a minivan) by driving 25 mph over the speed limit and weaving in and out of traffic. You have a penis. The van is your wife's. We get it.

9. That mom at gymnastics class that gave me "the look" when she overheard me jokingly call Hannah a little freak. Look, bitch. I love my girls. They love me. I call them things like that all the time. We laugh. We have fun. All the time. You should pull that stick out of your ass and try it sometime.

10. The little, fat inventor judge on American Inventor. Go away fuckwad. Although I have no doubt that you have invented things and know a lot about inventions in general, you really, really need to stop claiming to be an expert on everything. It's annoying. And rather pompous of you.

11. People that know you haven't seen a particular movie or read a particular book yet, and who know you have every intention of seeing or reading it at some point, and yet still stand there and tell you the entire plot of the movie or book, including how it ends.

12. People who write emails/posts/blog entries using absolutely no punctuation, no capitalization, and no paragraphs. I refuse to read your shit, squinting while I try to decipher what the hell you're trying to say.

13. Dr. Phil. You, my fat friend, are a pompous asshole.

Special thanks to Emily, who has cool Thursday 13 banners. Yay!

Zzzzz...

Ugh. Sorry gang. I fell asleep again last night in recliner, waking up at midnight to a puddle of drool on my shoulder (which is damn sexy if I do say so myself). What pisses me off the most is that I missed the entire second half of CSI:New York, which is my favorite CSI show of them all. And now I have no idea who hijacked the hospital's helicopter and stole the cooler with the transplant liver. [sigh]

The truth is, I really didn't/don't have anything interesting to blog about anyway. I spent almost all day yesterday online searching for jobs and firing off resumes. I did find a job listing for a Train Car Attendant in the next town over. They run hour-long train rides on the weekends throughout the summer and fall. So I could, possibly, get paid $6 - $10 an hour to help old people and young children get on and off the train on Saturdays and Sundays. Sounds promising, no?

I spent all last night listening to Grace go on... and on... and on... about her field trip today. Her daycare class is going to see a Hercules play at a local university. The thing is, she couldn't care less about the play. See, this is the first field trip she's going on without me. Normally, I go along as a chaperon and so she just drives in the car with me (much to her chagrin). But they don't ask for parent volunteers for this trip, so she gets to ride on the "bus" (actually a school van that they strap the kids' carseats into). She's thrilled. Ahhh... to be young again. But I swear, if I have to hear about that damn bus again, I may have to hurt myself.

But um, yeah. That's about it. See? It's probably good I fell asleep last night. This was some pretty boring shit. LOL! Off to think of something witty, interesting, and/or clever for my Thursday Thirteen. Suggestions are welcomed. ;)

AI and AR

I really don't have anything witty or interesting to say, so I'm just going to ramble, mostly talking about my reality TV addiction and the particular show I watched this evening.

~ Hannah called herself "a freakin' whackjob" today and I almost pissed myself laughing. (Uh, yeah. I swear I don't call my kids that. Honest. For real. You can't prove it...)

~ Watched my two children who don't eat peanut butter (like every other non-allergic child on the planet) eat lemon-pepper haddock, broccoli and salads with oil and vinegar dressing tonight. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with them? Not that I wouldn't rather have them eat the fish and vegetables, but for laziness's sake, it would be really nice if I could slap some PB&J on some bread and throw them in their lunchboxes. Geez...

~ Had Hannah come running around the corner, into the kitchen tonight buck naked with LARGE marker scribbles all over her torso, yelling, "I'm maken! I'm maken!" (For some reason, she always says "maken" instead of "naked".)

~ Wiped it off with a baby wipe as best as I could and then figured fuck it, who'll see it? American Idol was about to start, so a bath was out of the question.

Speaking of American Idol...

~ Taylor Hicks still freakin' RULES! He was my favorite tonight.

~ Ace needs to scrape some of that cheese off his act and just sing for god's sake. Steve commented tonight that he must've taken lessons from queer ass Constantine.

~ Paris, hon, don't ever sing Beyonce again. Randy may have liked it (and Paula, but she likes everything), but the rest of us don't want to see your 17-year-old ass dry humping the air. Thanks.

~ Kelly Pickler, I pick someone else. You seem very sweet, but you're dumber than a Lego and you're singing seems to be getting worse.

~ Lisa dear, you seem nice too, but WHY would you pick a song that was sung by the most successful American Idol winner to date, and one that is at the top of the charts as we speak? Can we all say stupid?

~ Chris, I adore you. Love you. You and Taylor are tied as my favorites. But dude, if I have to hear you perform one more song where you scream while strobe lights flash and give me a headache, Taylor may pull ahead. I LOVE your voice, but PLEASE sing something a little different next week. Please.

~ Elliot, I like you. I really do. I like you're voice too. But your underbite bothers me and I can't watch you speak or sing without laughing. I'm sorry. I really, really am.

~ Bucky, I know other people don't like you so much, but I find you endearing. I thought you did a good job tonight. There's no way in hell you'll win it all, but I enjoy watching you while you're around. (And please tell me Bucky isn't you're real name.)

~ Katharine, First of all, I hate the way your parents spelled your name, but that's neither here nor there. Overall, I really like you. I wasn't "feeling the love" quite as much as the rest of the judges tonight, but you done good, girl. Rock on.

~ Mandesa, I normally really like you. And I liked you tonight too. But you didn't "wow" me. I hope you get your mojo back for next week.

So now let's talk about The Amazing Race... WARNING: Spoiler ahead!!!

~ Lake, you seemed to be much nicer to your wife this week. I like it. Keep it up. (And I should add that he doesn't bother me nearly as much as he seems to bother other people.)

~ Frat Boys, you rule. Yes, you're hornier than anyone I've ever met in my life, but you're damn funny and you're having fun. (Do you think they realized that now EVERY woman in the nation realizes what players they are? LOL!)

~ Old Lady and Old Man (I always forget your names), you were kind of rude this week. You're little "episode" in the airport screaming at Lake to "just back off" was a little uncalled for, don't ya think? I no longer like you two. I never really did actually, but you just sealed the deal, ya old hag.

~ Ray & Chick (I always forget her name too), I have no strong feelings one way or the other for you. I don't hate you, but I don't love you either. So um, I dunno what to say to you. Good luck?

~ Lori & Dave, I normally like you guys. But you seem to be cracking a bit under the pressure and it's making you appear whiney. Please stop that. (And Dave, don't cry at the pit stops. It makes you look wussy.)

~ MOJO, again, I have no feelings for you either way. Joe, you're cute. Monica, you're pretty. Rock on with your bad selves, but you won't win, so you should probably just give up. (And if next week's preview are any indication, you may have lost your mojo.

~ Dani & Whatever the Fuck Your Friend's Name Is (Daphne? Danielle? Ditz?), I hated you two. You annoyed me to no end. Let me clue you in that once you're past the ages of like 7, dressing alike isn't cute anymore. It's gay. And creepy. And really, really lame. You're obviously both extremely intelligent (insert dripping sarcasm here), but I'm glad I no longer have to look at or listen to you. Goodbye and goodnight.

~ Hippies, you rule. If you don't win, I will cry. Your "Bowling Toms" T-shirts tonight made me laugh hysterically. I love you both. Please win. PLEASE!

Pot Luck...

Things Today That Made Me Laugh Hysterically, Want to Rip My Hair Out, Pissed Me Off, Made Me Want to Puke, or a Combination of the Above...

~ Watched the psychotic red squirrel that lives in our backyard (whom Steve and I have affectionately dubbed "Little Fucker") chew the green fuzz off of our tennis ball and then pick it up and run away with it. The fucker stole our tennis ball!

~ Gushed over a picture that Hannah had just drawn and handed me, saying, "Yay! You made a letter 'H' again, just like your name!" (She does it quite often.) She looked at me and said, "That's not an H. That's a kid." Oh, um... sorry.

~ Wanted to hurl when Hannah asked for (and then ate) green beans for breakfast at 9:00 this morning. Ick.

~ Took the girls down the street to the gas station for milk, Slurpees, and cigarettes (for me, not them). We were greeted by the employees and managers that know me and was flattered when they heaped a buttload of Swedish fish and Laffy Taffy on the girls, free of charge.

~ Spent 6 hours (literally) outside today, since it was finally sunny.

~ Became dizzy standing the middle of the patio and spinning around, and around, and around as I (again) watched Hannah ride her bike around in a large circle.

~ Wasn't a bit surprised when Hannah grasped the concept of steering better and started purposely riding as fast as possible towards the bungalow and then veering at the last second to avoid slamming into the side of the house, all while laughing manaically.

~ Sat outside with the girls and painted with glitter paint, causing me to end up looking like a rejected Solid Gold dancer. Fucking glitter...

~ Was a bit disturbed when I stumbled upon the "Unofficial Webiste of the Solid Girl Dancers". Uh huh. Get a life people... a life.

~ Bit my tongue as Steve fed the girls venison chip steaks, telling them it was steak, and watching them devour it. (Blech.)

~ Had my oh-so-demure 4-year-old give me a full-fledged punch to the gut when she got pissed at me this afternoon. After straigtening up (from doubling over), and catching my breath (from the wind knocked out of me), I sent her into the house and then thought... "Damn, that girl's got an arm!" (Seriously, I was impressed.) When I finally let her come back outside, I told her the story of how Houdini died and how you can never punch someone. (Because I'm sure it will make a lasting impression on a 4-year-old. [rolling eyes at myself])

~ While questioning me about mine and Steve's ages, and upon finding out that I'm older, Grace said, "Well then I love Daddy best because he's not so old."

~ While recalling the incident a few months ago when Steve saved our flaming steaks from the grill, Grace said, "Yup. My Daddy's a real live hero. He's no loser, that's for sure." I beg to differ, little one. ;)

Dammit

I was really hoping for something more interesting, like Susie Bitchboss or something.

Your Pimp Name Is...

Daisy Kisses

What's Your Pimp Name?

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This is so true. Nice to your face... a royal bitch behind your back...

You Were a Raccoon

You are a master of disguise and multiple personas. You are infinitely curious and question others without fear.

What Animal Were You In a Past Life?

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Technical writer... joke writer... They're close...

You Should Be a Joke Writer

You're totally hilarious, and you can find the humor in any situation. Whether you're spouting off zingers, comebacks, or jokes about life... You usually can keep a crowd laughing, and you have plenty of material. You have the makings of a great comedian - or comedic writer.

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

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OK. So I admit I drink beer often. But this is a little extreme...

You Are Corona

You don't drink for the love of beer. You drink to get drunk. You prefer a very light, very smooth beer. A beer that's hardly a beer at all. And while you may not like the taste of beer, you like the feeling of being drunk. You drink early and often. Sometimes with friends. Sometimes alone. All the party needs is you!

What's Your Beer Personality?

Who Said Sunday is a Day of Rest?

It was quite an eventful day today. I kind of like eventful days. They're certainly more memorable. And they really are what life's all about, no?

~ Figured out Grace's new obsession with hairy butts. She um, didn't mean butt in the sense that I (or the rest of the world) thought. See, she has always called her privates her hiney. She started calling the front and back of herself her hiney when she was just little, and I just never pushed it or told her otherwise. (Yes, I guess some people would say I suck.) But anyway, I figured out today, after another "event" that she wants to know why big people have hairy butts in the um, front. LOL! Nice.

~ Had "relations" first thing this morning since the girls had slept at my parents' house last night. That in and of itself isn't newsworthy in a blogging sense, but... I DIDN'T LAUGH!!!! Yay me! (We won't mention how it was 5 AM and I was in a dead sleep immediately before and immediately following the event, which probably had a lot to do with my lack of laughter.)

~ Hannah, out of the blue, learned how to ride a bike today. *sniff* She's been sitting on it forever, but never grasped the whole pedaling concept. But today, something must have clicked and she just took off. She is soooo proud of herself. Of course, she hasn't completely grasped the whole steering concept and keeps the wheel turned permanently right, causing her to go in a big circle, but that's probably better for me anyway. LOL! By the time we came back inside, she was like a little freakin' speed demon.

~ Took the girls to Wal*Mart, armed with Steve's credit card and driver's license, and a list (from Steve) of a billion things he wanted me to get. Got up the checkout, got rung up, ran Steve's card through the machine, and had the cashier ask to see the card. FUCK! Was told they couldn't let me use Steve's card, even with his driver's license, and they had to cancel the order, re-ring everything up (that I had to take back out of the bags, much to the chagrin of the people behind me), and then use my debit card. This means I now have to deposit money in my account first thing tomorrow morning (or be overdrawn), AND that Steve can kiss my ass and go get his own damn shit from now on.

~ During the Wal*Mart Trip From Hell, we picked up a baseball mitt, a new bat, and a helmet for Grace since she'll be starting T-ball right after Easter. Came home, where Steve pitched to her and she was knocking them out of the freakin' park (figuratively speaking, of course). Seriously, the kid has a kick ass swing, and repeatedly nailed them over Steve's head.

And let's just end with a goofy picture of Grace. Because she rocks and she makes me laugh.

Graceisms Part II

Grace was just sitting on my lap facing me, and I was being a dork. I sang in her face, "My little buttercup..."

She pinched my lips together, starting singing back and sang, "My little shut your mouth... You don't sing so good Mom."

Thanks kid. You really know how to boost my self-esteem...

Graceisms....

GRACE: "Mom, how come when people get bigger they have hairy butts?"
ME (laughing): "Who has hairy butts?"
GRACE: "Big people."
ME: "Like who?"
GRACE: "Like you."
ME: "I do not. Boys have hairy butts. Not girls."
GRACE: "Oh. OK."

---------------------------------------------

HANNAH: "Put your coat on, Grace."
GRACE: "No! You're not the boss of me!"
HANNAH: "Put your COAT on, Grace!"
GRACE: "NO! You're not the boss of me! I'm the big sister! That means I'm the boss of you!"
HANNAH: "No you're NOT! Mommy's the boss!"
GRACE: "Noooo... I'm the boss of you, and Mommy's the boss of both of us. Now leave me alone."

It's 10:30 AM...

...and so far...

• Grace has had an hour-long tantrum that involved throwing things around in her bedroom, screaming, crying, and yelling that she doesn't want to go to gymnastics tonight anyway, so she doesn't care.
• Hannah peed in her pants (and all over the recliner).
• They both spent an hour playing the stupid kid-size organ that my jackass of a husband brought up from the basement last night. (Have I mentioned the thing has NO volume control and is permanently set to Louder Then Hell?)
• Grace decided she wanted to shower with me, which means standing in the back, freezing my ass off and trying to soap up while she stands under the steady stream of steamy water.
• Salinger flicked his head while I was giving him his meds and got really sticky liquid laxative all over me and my clothing I had just put on.
• I have walked outside for 2 cigarettes and both times, Hannah has come to the window wanting something after I took a whopping 2 drags.

Is it bedtime yet? Or too early to crack a beer? LOL!

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Things I'm Looking Forward To At Some Point 1. Getting a Job. Sort of. I don't want to see my children less. But at the same time, I really miss my cash flow. Not even for "luxuries" or material things. Just to pay my own bills. I really don't do well depending on someone else for money. 2. My Coffee Tomorrow Morning. I'm drinking Miller Lite right now, and that is all good. Don't get me wrong. But there is nothing like that first sip of coffee in the morning. Ahhhh.... 3. Our Annual Pig Roast. I am so freakin' pumped for it this year, for so many reasons. August can't get here fast enough, as far as I'm concerned. There may be a live band and "parting gifts" this year. Sweet. 4. The Day Brittney Spears Gets Fat. Seriously. How freakin' sweet will that be? 5. The Day I Grow Big Enough Balls to Tell Someone I Hate to Fuck Off. I'm not even thinking of anyone in particular when I say this. I just would really like to tell someone to "fuck off" and mean it. Ah, the satisfaction that must bring... 6. The Moment Tom Cruise Finally Comes Out of the Closet. Seriously dude. We all know it. Cut the bullshit and be gay for the love of god. Gay pride, my friend. Gay pride. 7. My Brother & Sister-In-Law Having a Baby. But not for the reasons you think (although I will certainly love any future nieces/nephews). But because I would really like to clear our basement of all baby toys/paraphernalia/crap, but since we aren't 100% sure we're done having kids, I don't want to give it to anyone other than family, since I may need it back. So c'mon Kyle and Melissa, get on it, will ya? (Pun intended.) 8. The Year Where Steve & I Finally Stop Having So Many Things to Do That We Get to Just Hang Out and Enjoy Each Other. I don't see it happening anytime soon. Maybe when we're like 80 and can't move, therefore making it impossible to really "do" anything. 9. The Day I Don't Laugh During Daytime Sex. Seriously. It happened again today. And now that we joke about it here, I can't not make it happen, because I'm thinking about it every freakin' time now and then I either laugh hysterically or snicker and hope Steve doesn't open his eyes and see me. I have some serious issues, my friends. (I actually said to Steve today that I'm a "night time fucker". Oh... my... god.) 10. Technology That Will Allow Me to Blow People Up By Just Thinking About It. (This is a fair warning to all slow, dumb people.) 11. That Moment I Can Look Around My House and Realize That I Will Never, EVER Have to Clean Up a Pet's Shit Again. Words cannot describe the bliss I will feel. Pets, be gone! 12. Sleeping in a Bed With Steve Again. Sort of. 13. Screwing Ty Pennington. :)

You're kidding, right?

So I was browsing the Don't Date Him Girl website, where women can post pictures and stories about guys as a "warning" to other women not to date them. It's a funny site, and I get a kick out of reading the stories. Some women I feel genuinely bad for. And then there are some that make me wonder how a woman can be so stupid.

So anyway, this morning I stumbled upon this guy. Good ol' Kelly Bates. Now this posting raises two questions in my mind...


1. How the hell did he land the first chick with hair like that, a name like Kelly, and the willingness to pose for a picture holding a little white puppy. (Can we say queer?)

2. How in the name of god, did he find another chick willing to be with him, and therefore allowing him to cheat?

Seriously. What's this world coming to?

'Cuz I'm Bored and Chelle Wants People to Answer These...

1. What is your name? Allison
2. What is your quest? To raise my kids to support me when I'm old and an invalid. ;)
3. What did you want to be when you grew up? A teacher and a mom
4. In your mind, have you grown up yet? (If not, how long do you think until you will be the "grown up" as you defined it when you were a kid?) Hell no! I don't think I ever will.
5. Why do you like or dislike peanut butter & jelly sandwiches? I HATE PB&J sandwiches. Ewwww... Give me my fluffernutters.
6. Who would you be (someone you know) if you could be anyone else for one day? Grace, so I could appreciate being 4.
7. Who would you be (someone you don't know) if you could be anyone else for one day? Whatever chick is currently being screwed by Ty Pennington.
8. What time will you go to sleep tonight? Midnight or so. Maybe later.
9. Will you sleep all the way through until morning? If not, why? Yup.
10. Where will home be for you in 5 years? In my current house.
11. What color do you associate with funny things? Yellow
12. What color do you associate with sad things? Gray
13. If Jesus were meeting you for dinner tomorrow what would the two of you talk about? I'm going to plead the fifth on this one so as not to offend anyone. :)
14. What was the name of your favorite stuffed animal growing up? Jeveli
15. Name a sound that brings a smile to your face. Grace and Hannah's belly laughs.
16. What is your favorite picture? Describe it. I have two. One is a closeup black and white picture of Grace that is simply stunning. The other is of Hannah standing on my FIL's deck in a pretty yellow dress.
17. What grade in school did you like the most? My senior year.
18. What grade in school did you dislike the most? None. I loved school.
19. What thing in life do you least understand? Religion
20. What thing in life do you most understand? The unwavering love you can have for your child.
21. What myth did you most believe in as a child? Santa
22. If you could make amends with any one person, who would it be? No one. If I dislike/am angry at someone, it's for a reason. Why make amends?
23. Out of all your high school friends, who do you miss the most? None. I still keep in touch with all of my favorite friends.
24. What are you most afraid of about dying? Leaving the girls.
25. What was the name of your first grade teacher? Ms. Pecca
26. What was the name of your second grade teacher? Mrs. Lewis
27. If you had millions of dollars to spend, but weren't allowed to spend it on yourself, how would you spend it? I would give a bunch of it to Steve, would set up college funds for the girls, and would spread the rest of it among family members.
28. Would you ever sacrifice happiness for wealth? Nah.
29. When was the last time you were surprised? When the girls gave me roses for Mother's Day.
30. If you had the courage to do one thing, what would it be? Fly (to go visit my friends)
31. If you had to give up one thing for a month, what would it be? Smoking
32. What would you give up for an entire year? Sex? LOL!
33. If you are female, would you ever consider being a surrogate mother? If so, for whom? No. No one's ever asked. LOL!
34. If you are male, would you ever consider letting your wife be a surrogate mother? Why or why not? N/A
35. If you had to give up one of your senses for a day, which one would it be? Smell
36. What makes you laugh? Grace and Hannah's one-liners. They kill me.
37. If you had the opportunity, money, time, etc., would you go to college to either start your education, finish it, further it, or not go at all? I wouldn't go. I'd rather take cool classes like cooking or scrapbooking or something.
38. What is the most important thing you own? My pictures of the girls.
39. What is the most important thing you have? My family (immediate and extended)
40. How important is it to you that you have minimal debt or even being debt-free? It's important. It isn't happening mind you, but it would be nice.
41. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be? I have nice, straight, white teeth.
42. Are you a cat person or a dog person? Neither. But since I have cats, I guess I should say cats, huh?
43. Do you believe life exists outside this planet and/or universe? Sure.
44. What makes a restaurant good? Great hot wings and Miller Lite on tap.
45. What scares you? Drowning
46. When was the last time you had the giggles? Two nights ago when I was making fun of Steve lifting weights.
47. What was one of your most embarrassing moments? When I was a kid and got locked in the bathroom on a bus going to a Phillies game. The whole bus was yelling "Get her out! There's a bomb!" and then they all cheered when I finally came out. Ugh.
48. Pair up a Hollywood couple: No. Because I don't care. LOL!
49. Have you ever ignored someone on purpose? Pretty much every day of my life in some way or another.
50. Who was the last person you lied to? Steve

In Order to Tame GB's Withdrawl Symptoms...

Here's a fairly boring post. Just for you. Yay you.

Sent the girls to daycare and decided that today was Backsplash Sealing Day. So I started to apply the sealer to the entire wall, using a 1/2-inch paintbrush. No lie. The novelty wore off after the first hour.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sat down at the computer and found out my poor friend had been told her 9-month-old baby might have Leukemia, and they were at the hospital for tests. Words could not describe my heartache, and I wished the girls were at home with me so I could hug them extra tight.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

After sealant coat #2, decided it should be Window Painting Day too. What the hell, right? It sucked. It sucked big time.The window is above the sink. It's also above where the one seam in our granite countertop is (which Steve was sure I would break if I sat or stood on it. Thanks dude.) So I contorted my body in ways I didn't know was possible, painted upside down, and finally just sat on the damn granite window sill and figured if it broke, it broke.

Had WAY too many brush marks on the one side of it and decided to try to "fix it".

Made it worse.

Tried to fix the new mess.

Managed to get it looking fairly decent. Whew. Being married to an anal retentive freak causes much stress in one's life, lemme tell ya.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Watched the garbage men dump our five cans into the garbage truck and then saw one of them write something on a clipboard. Fuck. They weren't kidding in that letter a few weeks ago that said the new can limit is 3 and everything over that will be charged. Damn bastard garbage police. (I actually have no idea what he was writing, but I'm betting we'll be getting a bill in the mail soon.)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Found out my friends little boy does NOT have cancer. Thank. God. (Or whatever other higher being(s) are out there.)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Decided I hate slow moving people even more than dumb people. I mean, dumb people probably don't know they're dumb, because, well... they're too dumb to know. But don't slow people know they're driving/walking/working slow? Unless they're dumb and slow. Then they're too dumb to know they're slow. God bless slow dumb people, but I would really like to kick your asses.

QUOTE OF THE DAY...

"Daddy, I don't like stinky things. You stink. Goodbye." ~Hannah (as she walked out of the room where Steve had just busted ass....)

Frickin' Puppies...

OK. So anyone who knows me even remotely, knows I'm not a huge fan of dogs. I like them in theory. And I don't wish them any harm. Pictures of puppies are really cute. I'm all for pictures of puppies. But when one of the damn four-legged critters comes bounding up to me and starts sniffing my crotch and licking my face with the tongues they used to also lick their asses, all love is lost.

I just don't get the whole dog thing. I truly don't. And before you all start giving me the "You don't know what it's like..." crap, let me just say that I had dogs growing up. Pretty much as long as I can remember. I never really got very attached to them. [shrug] Perhaps I'm missing some sort of Animal Lover gene. I don't know. I know most people think I suck because of it, but frankly, I don't care. I don't care if other people own dogs. I really don't (as long as I never have to have contact with them...)

Anyway... this leads me to today's discussion. Let's talk about my toilet paper. That's right folks. You read that right... I said toilet paper. There are fucking puppies on my toilet paper. [sigh]

Grace saw in a sale circular (or some similar publication), an ad and coupon for the new toilet paper made by Cottonelle. Anyway, the TP is supposed to help kids learn to wipe. Each toilet paper square is printed with puppy paw prints, and every fifth square is printed with a picture of a puppy. Its claim to fame is helping kids learn how much toilet paper to use to wipe their butts when they're done going to bathroom. Not too little. Not too much.

Sounds great in theory, right? I thought so too. My children (lately) have decided that any wiping at all is optional, so in an attempt to get them cleaning up after themselves again, I grabbed a pack of four rolls. Oh my god...

I will say that I love it for the girls. They get a kick out of unrolling it until they find the puppy and then tearing it off and wiping well before flushing the poor little puppy away. But see, this all sucks major ass for me (no pun intended).

I've never paid attention before to how many toilet paper squares I use in one "sitting". I mean, why would I (unless I had some form of OCD). I mean, I highly doubt anyone actually counts their toilet paper squares each time they go. I just take as many as I think I need (depending on the job), and I use it. End of story. (By the way, I've recently discovered that I normally use more than five, just in case you were curious.)

But I can't do that anymore. Because see, my children know how the puppy paper is supposed to be used. Unroll the paw prints to the puppy and tear it off there. How many squares there are doesn't matter to my kids. This means it has to matter to me. Because see, if I casually start ripping this new toilet paper wherever I feel like it, things could get ugly. If I unroll and tear and the very next square is the puppy, I can totally see Grace just taking that one square if she happens to pee right after me. Not good, my friends. Not good at all. So now I have to pay attention to my toilet paper squares, making sure to always tear at the puppy, or risk giving my children sore asses due to improper wiping techniques. And it would be all my fault.

So basically, I'm now wiping my ass with pictures of fucking puppies and their paw prints. I have to think when I shit. What the hell has become of my life? Help... me...

Tomorrow's entry: We'll discuss how my children have also found it necessary to come into the bathroom with me everytime I go now, to "teach" me how to use the puppy paper.... "Here Mommy, you unroll it to the puppy!... Never mind! I'll get it for you!... Here Mommy! Here's your puppy!..."

Today Kind of Sucked.

LOL! Not in any horrendous, death-in-the-family sort of way. But in a god-I-can't-wait-until-the-girls-are-sleeping-so-I-can-shotgun-a-beer sort of way. ;)

The girls had slept over at my mom's house last night, so it was nice sleeping in until 8:00 (when my MIL called, waking us up).

And then I had to pick the girls up (where my mom informed me they had both been up half the night and were exceptionally tired). [sigh] The two of them have been a little... um... "moody" lately to begin with, so the thought of throwing exhaustion into the mix really didn't sound like much fun.

My MIL came over with McDonald's Happy Meals for the girls at lunchtime (a good thing) and said she'd stay and babysit them (also a good thing), while Steve grouted the backsplash (good) and I went grocery shopping (bad).

I hate grocery shopping. Truly hate it. Some moms say they enjoy it when they can get away from the kids and be by themselves for a bit. I would rather stay home and deal with the hellions while Steve went and bought us food. And what really sucks since I got laid off last year is that now I have to depend on Steve for the grocery money. That doesn't sound so bad, does it? It is. See, Steve doesn't have an ATM card. And my name isn't on any of his credit cards (and ever since the time I tried to check out with a FULL shopping cart of food and they wouldn't let me use his card, I refuse to even try to use his credit card anywhere). That means I have to use cash. Which means that every shopping trip involves a set amount of money I can spend, which means I have to write down prices and add things up n my head as I go to avoid another embarrassing moment at checkout.

So I had to go four towns away today because it's the only grocery store that has a bank right in the store that is open on a Sunday and would allow me to cash a check (from Steve) so I'd have cash to buy food. So now not only am I doing the one thing I hate most, but I'm doing it in a grocery store where I don't know the aisle layout and with a price limit. Fuck.

So anyway, I live through that excruciating trip (and I won't even get into how I was in math hell, and how I got out of line to put stuff back because I was afraid I was over my limit and it's good I did because I was only $8.00 below what total cash I had...) and head home.

I made some comments when I walked in about the price of groceries, how I tried to bring home the $50.00 in cash Steve wanted from the cashed check, but how it was impossible because we needed everything, etc., but never mentioning he was really only getting $8.00. And god bless my MIL, as she was walking out the door, she secretly slipped me $20.00 and whispered, "Put this towards the change from the groceries and don't tell Steve I gave it to you." I.... love... her.

So that was nice, but it all went downhill from there. The girls behaved horrendously after Hannah woke up from her nap, I totally lost it on them (just yelling, no spanking), they woudln't stop crying all night, I spent 90 minutes cleaning off tiles with a friggin' toothbrush to make sure we got all the grout out of the grooves, I had picked up (unknowingly) a bad package of haddock at the store, Salinger got shit all over the bedroom (I cleaned that up before Steve knew about it, thank god), and Grace decided at 8:15 (after brushing her teeth), that she did indeed want the dippy eggs she had turned down 2 hours before and since she hadn't eaten dinner, I stood there cooking them for her, the house smelled like fish all night (I HATE the smell of fish), and "Desperate Housewives" was a rerun.

This may possibly be the first time ever that I'm looking forward to Monday. For the love of...

Oh my god. Words cannot describe how thrilled I am with the backsplash. Steve worked on it from 7:30 this morning until 10:00 tonight and he got it finished. He fucking rules. He'll grout it tomorrow and then that wall will be finished. (The other wall will be done next weekend... maybe.)

Now that it's done, we're seriously considering buying more tiles and tiling above the cabinets where the baskets are. But that's still up in the air.

I wish you guys could see the actual tiles in person because these pictures don't do them justice. They are absolutely gorgeous in person. There are reds, and coppers, and silvers, and greens, and all sorts of other colors in them. And unfortunately, what the pictures don't pick up is the shine to them. They're slate (copper slate to be exact), but some of them truly look like metal because they have an irridescence/shine to them that makes them look like copper/pewter/etc.

I told Steve tonight that if I could tile an entire room using them, I would. LOL! I'll post more pictures tomorrow night if the grouting is done.

I always feel like I've deserted you...

...if I don't blog. It wasn't intentional last night. I feel asleep in the recliner while watching 20/20, and woke up at 1:00 in the morning with a wet shoulder from my drool. Lovely.

Anyway, here's my boring update. (Boring for you, a day of pure excitement for me.)

Our brand spanking new refrigerator was delivered. I'm in love. It beeps, chirps, makes ice, dispenses water, and has enough room to fit our old refrigerator inside of it. We didn't put food in it yet, but it's nice to just see it sitting there, ready to go when we get the chance to do the Great Food Transfer.

Steve started on the backsplash last night. Oh my god. It's gorgeous. I love, love, LOVE the slate tiles we chose. I can't wait to see it all finished.

So those were the highlights of the day, interspersed with the wrath of a 2-year-old, an overtired, whining 4-year-old, a gymnastics class, and a salad (minus the potato chips). Thrilling stuff, lemme tell ya. ;)

Chelle? :(

How come I'm no longer "authorized to view" your blog? It's because my children are heathens, isn't it? [sigh] ;)

Another random post because all forms of creative thinking have left my body and have been replaced by alcohol. Sweet.

* Went apeshit in my kitchen and cleaned every surface in there. (Thank you Magic Eraser, Windex Vinegar, and good ol' fashioned soap and water.)

* So I was craving a salad, but only had two of my usual salad ingredients (lettuce and cheese). So in a total act of desperation, I crumbled potato chips onto my salad in place of croutons. I am well aware of how disgusting that is, but I have to admit, it really wasn't that bad. (AND I managed to make a normally healthy food unhealthy, which is always a goal of mine.)

* Washed the quilt on our bed (but only because a cat had hacked up a hairball on it and I didn't want Steve to know.)

* Received an email from a friend that made me smile. :)

* Was shocked and appalled to find that Honda, the cable company, the electric company, and Verizon all expect me to pay them. And on time no less. What the fuck is that all about? Bastards.

*Watched the premier of "American Inventor" and loved it. Shit. I so didn't need another TV show addiction. [sigh]

* Had to snap into psyeudo "Mom Mode" and act thrilled beyond words (like I do with my 2-year-old) when Steve walked into the house to show me his new "cool hawk's skull" he found in the woods. Seriously dude, put the fucking dead animals away and snap yourself back into the real (adult) world, will ya? For the love of...

Thirteen Products I Couldn't Live Without

1. Pledge All Surface Cleaner Spray... LOVE the stuff. One bottle. Multi-purposes. Ahhh...

2. Mr. Clean Magic Erasers... I swear to god, every time I use one, I ponder it's chemical makeup and wonder how the hell it cleans like that. Freaky shit, I tell ya.

3. Murphy's Oil Soap Spray... I love spray bottles. Smells delicious.

4. Tide with Febreeze... Unscented laundry is just pointless in my opinion.

5. Downy Drier Sheets with Febreeze... Buy the same scent as the Febreeze in the Tide and you have a virtual scent orgasm.

6. Clorox Bleach Pens... So much power in such a little package.

7. Shout Stain Stick... I have children. Enough said.

8. Carpet Fresh... No sense vacuuming if the room doesn't smell clean.

9. Intuition Razor... Soap and a razor all in one. God bless the inventor.

10. Listerine... Minty freshness.

11. Tampax Tampons... I've tried all the others. They all suck.

12. Huggies Natural Care Baby Wipes... I swear I will still be buying these things when my kids are gone at college. Their cleaning abilities are unparallelled.

13. Lysol... Germs be gone.

Cool Shit...

I just wanted to show off the talents of my friend, Kappy, who designed this "signature" for use on my Mommy boards. She does fantastic work. Check out her business, Prior Engagements, for all sorts of cool, custom stuff. Thanks again, Kap!

Zzzzzz... (Because this post is boring.)

Old-school bulleted list because I've got a plethora of stuff to share with you all (even though you don't give a rat's ass).

* Sent both girls off to daycare and immediately headed over to my sister's house to help her get ready for a job interview. (With her broken leg, she can't walk AT ALL and needed some help with stuff.)

* Took her to her interview.

* While waiting for her while she was being interviewed, I finally started the book that's been in my sidebar for 2 months.

* The not knowing was driving me insane, so I emailed the HR girl at the company I interviewed with last week with a total lie that I received another job offer today, but that I'd rather work for their company and could they please just tell me if they had filled the position yet or not. (God I suck.)

* Received an email back saying they're still interviewing and that they're making their final decision in the next week. Fingers still crossed...

* Realized that if I do get the job, I will forever have to maintain the lie about "my other job offer."

* Talked to the stupidest woman in the world today when I had to call Steve's concrete supplier with a question about his latest statement. She said (and I quote), "Well, the computer's showing that Steve has an overdue balance of $2897.76, but we don't know how the computer does its calculations and I can't tell you where that balance comes from or what it's for.

* Decided that the woman who didn't know to dial a "1" before my phone number is probably actually the stupidest woman in the world, but the woman mentioned above is a close second.

* Was bummed to see that ALL shows tonight (other than American Idol) are reruns that I've already seen. Dammit.

* Laughed out loud during afternoon "relations" again. Seriously... daytime sex and I just aren't jiving. ((((Steve))))

* Wondered where the hell good ol' GB has been. You out there, dude?

* Was thrilled when Steve suggested getting takeout for dinner.

* Phone conversation between me and the restaurant dude that answered the phone to take our order:

Me: "Hey Scott, it's Allison. I'd like to place an order." (I know the guy.)

Scott: "Hey Allison! Go ahead."

Me: "OK. I want two crocks of french onion soup. And a flounder filet sandwich."

Scott (interrupting): "The flounder sandwich is only a lunch special now. We replaced it with the chicken cheesesteak."

Me (to Steve): "Hey Steve! They don't have the flounder sandwich anymore."

Scott (laughing): "Uh oh. There's turmoil in the house now..."

Me: "Dude, you have NO idea."

Me: "OK. While he thinks, I can tell you that I'd like the buffalo chicken sandwich."

Scott: "OK."

Steve (in background): "Get me that too."

Me: "Scott, make that two of the buffalo chicken sandwiches. One medium with no lettuce, tomatoes, or onions, and one hot with lettuce and onions but no tomatoes."

Steve: "And cancel my french onion soup now."

Me: "Scott, cancel one french onion soup. My husband's an ass."

Scott (laughing): "Ok."

Steve: "And get me a half rack of ribs."

Me: "And give me a half rack of ribs instead, Scott."

Scott (laughing): "Are you serious?"

Me: "Yes. My husband's an ass."

Scott: "Baked potato, fries, rice or pasta with that?"

Me: "Baked potato."

Scott: "Sour cream and butter?"

Me: "Yes."

Scott: "Dressing for the salad?"

Me: "Ranch."

Me: "And can I have an order of fries instead of chips with my sandwich?"

Scott: "Sure."

Me: "And could I get cheese on them?"

Scott (laughing): "You're really pushing it now."

Me: "I'm sorry my husband's an ass."

Scott: "Twenty minutes."

Me: "Cool."

The bottom line? (((((Scott)))))

* While at WalMart, bumped into the wife and son of the guy that committed suicide. Yeah, that's not an awkward moment at all. [sigh]

* Was surprised as hell (and yet somewhat happy) about the guy that was in the bottom three tonight on American Idol. (Don't want to ruin it for those that haven't watched it yet.)

* Was really pissed that a certain little dorky redhead was NOT in the bottom three tonight.

* Watched that new show, "The Loop," and laughed my damn ass off. Any show that uses terms like "ass-faced jack knocker" and "... that retarded squirrel look that you nailed like a two-dollar whore," is a show I'll be watching for a loooong time.

* Just realized that the last thing I said to Steve before he went up to bed tonight was to call him a fucker (in a totally affectionate way, of course). If he dies in his sleep tonight, I think I might feel bad. LOL!

This doesn't surprise me one friggin' bit...

You are Christina Yang. You are incredibly

determined and very blunt... yet somehow very

likable


Which Grey's Anatomy Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Pimps, Chickens, Eggs, Socks & Taylor...

So the girls are getting ready to get into the tub and Grace is standing there in a T-shirt and underwear. She spies one of Hannah's belts on the floor nearby and walks over to it. She picks it up and shoves one end of it into the front of her underwear, letting the rest dangle down in front of her legs. She then walks over to where Hannah and I are sitting, thrusts out her pelvis, and says in a total pimp voice, "Hello, ladies."

Say wha'? I kind of half chuckle and ask her what she's doing (because I didn't want to assume) and she says, "I'm being a boy," and then again thrusts out her pelvis in our faces, deepens her voice, and says, "Hello, ladies."

Oh... my... God. I couldn't stop laughing. Tears were running down my face. I was gasping for air. Must... breathe...

So anyway, I managed to get myself under control and I've come to a conclusion. My child will either grow up to be a hysterically funny, unbelievably successful woman who won't take anyone's shit....

Or...

She'll be sentenced to life in a maximum security prison. Only time will tell I suppose...

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

I am totally grossed out by that Lysol wipes commercial when the woman is rubbing down her appliances and counter tops with a raw chicken breast. I truly want to vomit every time I see it. I hate raw meet. It skeeves me out. I'm now boycotting Lysol wipes just because their commercial makes me want to hurl.

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I made perfect hard-boiled eggs today. I'm talking the kind where the entire peel comes off in one piece and the yolks are a pure golden yellow (as opposed to that funky greenish-brown color they sometimes get). Emeril would be proud...

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Spent an hour with the girls matching our plethora of unmatched clean socks, folding each pair together into a ball and then told the girls it was time for a snowball fight. We spent literally an hour playing with thirty pairs of balled up socks. We had snowball fights, played "basketball" with them, and shoved them in our shirts to make fake boobs. Good times, lemme tell ya.

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Taylor Hicks can't not make me smile. Seriously. I adore him. He truly is a beautiful human being. And now, I am off to vote...

How We Spent Our Day...

Outside. We seriously spent the entire day outside today. We came inside for a whopping total of two hours while Hannah napped and I talked to my friend on the phone. We finally came inside around 6:45, exhausted, filthy, and in desperate need of some soap and water.

I love days like today. Mostly because I successfully wore both girls out enough to have them sleeping by 8:00 PM (it's usually around 9:00), so I'm in my glory right now.

Spring rules. It was chilly this morning (when these pictures were taken), but then the sun came out, it was in the 70's, and we were outside in short sleeves. Ahhhh....

Why My Husband is Lucky I Love Him...

Let's take a look at the homemade vent cover currently on our vent. Now let's keep in mind that this vent does not involve any sort of dangerous fumes or gasses. None. It's simply where the air vents out if, for example, something gets a little too smokey on the stovetop and you turn the fan on. That's it. You wouldn't need a cover at all, except we could feel cold outside air coming in our stovetop and we wanted to keep critters out.

So in this picture, you see the current cover. It's just a plastic paint can lid with some holes drilled in it. It is serving its purpose well.

Now, do you see that large concrete step in the right of the picture? That used to be in front of the vent. No big deal at all. Except Steve had bought a cheap, plastic $6.00 actual vent cover to put at the end of the pipe. And it wouldn't fit because that step was in the way.

This, my friends, is what the side of my house now looks like.

See all that dirt? There used to be grass there. Those dark squares on the ground? Yeah. Those are my sidewalks caked with mud. ALL of this mess for the stupid 6" vent you see in the middle picture to the left of the concrete step.

And I once again ask, do you see why I drink? [shaking head]

Why I Actually Love My Husband...

Because he fucking rules. I swear to god, I don't know what I would do if I didn't have a handy husband. Seriously.

Here's the moulding he made for around the doors, windows, and entry ways in the kitchen. And I mean he literally made parts of it. From plain ol' flat pieces of unpainted wood. He rules. We were trying to match the trim around the tops of the cabinets. He did a damn good job if you ask me (which you didn't, but that's never stopped me from sharing my opinion before).

(Please ignore the condition of the playroom in the background. It was a long day of trying to keep the girls out of there while Steve installed it and then I painted it. I swear it doesn't normally look that bad.)

(In this picture, please ignore the lightbulbs and wires. Obviously there will be lights there once we pick some. LOL! And the door will either be replaced or painted. That prison gray just isn't cutting it anymore. LOL!)

All Stupid People, Raise Your Hand Please...

So there's this woman who is a recruiter. She contacted me last week about my resume. Great. She said she wanted to talk to me over the phone for a bit and then schedule an interview with her client. Fantastic. So she asked where and when I could be reached by phone. I replied back and said, "I can be reached at 555-555-5555," using that exact format for my phone number.

So the next day I never got a call from her, but I had actually forgotten about it anyway, until around 5:00 when I received an email from her. She said she had been trying to reach me all day, but couldn't get through. She said (and I quote), "I keep getting a message that says 'You must dial a "1" before the number."

Are you kidding me? First of all, don't you always have to dial "1" before a number? I mean, isn't that a given? I assure you, I am not a special person with a special phone number format. Did I really need to include the "1" when I gave her my phone number?

And second of all, if you continually receive that message, wouldn't you um, try dialing my number using a "1" before it? For the love of god...

So now I refuse to respond back to her. I will not be a part of stupid people's lives. I just can't encourage people like that.

A Cornucopia of Thoughts...

Random stuff that crossed my mind / happened / made me laugh today.

I took both girls grocery shopping in the pouring down rain today because Steve was being pouty about no food. Whatever. I was surprised at how well they were both behaved. However, I went there in glasses, no makeup, a headband, athletic pants, and one of Steve's sweatshirts and I ended up running into not one, but TWO girls I graduated from high school with. Fuck.

*~ ------------------------- ~*

My darling husband decided to hook up this cheap ass $6.00 plastic vent cover we bought a few weeks ago. It's for on the outside of the house where our downdraft stovetop fan runs to the outside. It's only function is to keep the cold air/wind from the outside from blowing through the vent and out of our stovetop in the kitchen. He then spent three hours, until 8:00 tonight, using his backhoe to move a concrete slab and our sidewalks a few inches so this stupid ass vent cover would fit. There is now dirt, mud, and other debris all over the place right outside our door. Dude, the plastic paint can lid you had drilled a few holes in was working just fine as a vent cover if you ask me. [shaking head]

*~ ------------------------- ~*

I tried a new recipe tonight. Italian Lemon Butter Chicken (or something like that). It's the unhealthiest dish I've ever made. It called for two sticks of butter just for the cream sauce. Dear lord. Plus oil, more butter, chicken and bacon. Yup. I'm a real health nut, lemme tell ya. LOL! (It tasted really good though, which, in my opinion, is all that matters, but I didn't tell Steve how much artery clogging shit he was ingesting.

*~ ------------------------- ~*

I wore the Oompa Loompa T-shirt today that Renfield bought me for Christmas. ALL DAY LONG the girls told me how much they liked my shirt (Grace cried because she doesn't have one too). Cute. But also ALL DAY LONG, they kept walking up to me and singing the friggin' Oompa Loompa song in my face. It was only funny the first time. The other 1,452,345 times? Not so much.

*~ ------------------------- ~*

My children will be the death of me. Mark my words. It's true. So if you ever hear of my untimely death, just know that regardless of what the obituary says, the real cause of death was my children driving me insane enough to put me over the edge.

*~ ------------------------- ~*

Job Stuff

OK. A few of you have asked (here and via email) about where this new (possible) job is, what are the hours, etc. I started answering all of you, but got really sick of typing the same thing over and over again, so I decided to just post about it here. If you have no interest in my (possible) job details, just stop reading now.

 

* I'd be doing the same type of work as before... writing end-user documentation (i.e., user guides, training manuals, online help systems, etc.) for the computer software the company develops.

 

* It's about 45 miles from my house one way (my last job was 70).

 

* It took me about an hour to get there, but having been there once now, I think there are quicker ways to get there (I had used MapQuest), so I could forseeably cut it down to 45 minutes.

 

* Although, the travel time was the same as my last job, it didn't seem nearly as long. This new commute would be on several roads, past farms, strip malls, neighborhoods, hospitals, etc. The old commute was a painfully boring hour on one highway with only 3 places to exit between my house to my office, so if there was an accident, vehicle fire, etc. I was screwed. 

 

* The hours are flexible. Get your 40 hours in and they're happy. I can choose to work four 10-hour days, four 9-hour days and one 1/2 day, etc. Whatever I want (for the most part). They also allow telecommuting (within reason) as long as you get your work done.

 

* I could wear jeans to work every day. (There is a god.)

 

* Their benefits kick ass.

 

* They have a computer purchase assistance program which would allow me to finally get rid of this slow-as-shit, piece of crap, 10-year old computer that I currently own.

 

* They have a Christmas party where they give away free shit like DVD players.

 

* All employees are given a free gym membership for a gym down the street. Uh, yeah. I'll get right on that. (Not.)

 

* There's a guy there (that I interviewed with) who has my exact sense of humor, sarcasm, etc. Except (and I can't believe I'm admitting this), he's much better at it. Seriously. He had me rattled and that's virtually impossible to do. I really must work there so as to learn from this master. Teach me, oh wise one. I am your pupil. Lead me.

 

* They have coffee.

Meme...

Taken from Katherine's blog, because right now I can't think of anything else to blog about.

 

3 things you wish for (just for you)
1. No debt
2. A minivan
3. An insatiable sexual appetite (OK. So that one is kind of for Steve too.)

3 things you would do to/for yourself if there was no one to judge you (or if you had the guts to do it!)
1. Pierce my eyebrow
2. Anything athletic
3. Quit smoking (I don't have the guts to try)

3 bad habits you have
1. Smoking
2. Picking at my cuticles
3. Not editing my thoughts before spewing them out of my mouth

3 insecurities you feel
1. My weight (a little bit)
2. My teeth
3. How I'm raising the girls

3 talents/skills you wish you had
1. Playing piano
2. Singing
3. Having at least one athletic bone in my body

3 things that you would do if you had more time
1. Read
2. Scrapbook
3. Hang out with Steve

3 things that bring you peace/relaxation
1. Smoking
2. Reading/writing emails, blogs, boards, etc.
3. Being outside

3 things that spark your creativity
1. My regular blogs that I read
2. Seeing DIY shows, articles, pictures, etc.
3. My kids

Reading Between the Lines

So yesterday, the company I interviewed with was checking my references. My former manager decided to BCC: me on the email she sent back. She had been asked to fill out a form about me, and as I read it, I couldn't help but laugh. So let's take a look at what she said about me. And then we'll talk about what she actually meant...

What She Said: "Allison is very personable and gets along well with a variety of people."

What She Meant: "Allison doesn't know when to shut up and people are too polite to tell her to, so she thinks everyone likes her."

..................................................

What She Said: "While working with members of a development team is not always easy (especially in high-stress situations), Allison's laid back and friendly attitude helped to diffuse tense situations and alleviate some team stress. "

What She Meant: "Allison didn't care about her job or her career, so she was never stressed. It's hard to care about something when you don't give a shit."

..................................................

What She Said: "She was very flexible and willing to adapt her work to best meet the needs of the client and team. While some people might be frustrated by last-minute changes, Allison took all of this in stride and maintained a level and positive attitude. "

What She Meant: "Allison was always so drunk, that nothing bothered her."

..................................................

What She Said: "I think Allison's greatest strength is her adaptability. Every project has changes and disruptions, and these situations can be exacerbated by team members who cannot adapt. Allison's ability to handle these situations with aplomb put all her clients (internal and external) at ease."

What She Meant: I have no fucking clue. What the hell do half of those words even mean? Aplomb? Did she just insult me?

..................................................

What She Said: "I think Allison's greatest weakness is her tendency to neglect formal, proactive project communications. Allison is always willing to talk with her managers about her activities, but she sometimes forgets to put aside her project work for a moment and send status information. "

What She Meant: "Allison thought it was a total waste of time to send an email every freakin' week that said simply, 'I worked on the user guide and online help this week,' so she fought the system and just didn't do it."

..................................................

What She Said: "Managers who worked with Allison for any period of time came to understand that "no news is good news," and that Allison would seek them out should any problems arise. "

What She Meant: "Allison only ever actually showed up at the office once a week (if that). If she showed up more than that, we knew something was wrong."

..................................................

What She Said: "She is adaptable, dependable, and resourceful. Her ability to manage her own work so independently (and effectively) makes her an asset to any manager. "

What She Meant: "Allison has a fantastic ability to not do any work for months and then crank out her stuff the day before the deadline."

Blogger Blows

I just typed out this really funny post regarding one of my job references and what they said about me and fucking Blogger ate it due to "technical difficulties." Fuckers. I'll retype it tomorrow. [grumble grumble]

Random Crap...

Such a random post this is going to be. Some things worth (and I use that term loosely) mentioning...

** The weather kicked ass, so I pretty much forced the girls to stay outside today ALL DAY.

** In the past 12 hours, Grace has:

• Swallowed a piece of hard candy whole
• Pinched her fingers in the screen door
• Choked on an ice cube
• Got hit in the face with a ball (Uh, yeah. This one is my fault.)

** NEW BLOG FEATURE!!! If you look over there in my sidebar, you'll see I've added a daily trivia game link. Every day, a new trivia quiz will be generated. It keeps our scores, shows our times, etc. Good stuff. Just create a free account and go nuts, my friends. (And I will kick all of your asses.)

** I never told Grace that today was Friday because I had NO desire to take her to gymnastics tonight. None. We skipped it. I suck.

** I cleaned out my car today. Words cannot describe how disgusting that thing was. And now it's done. And it will be disgusting again in 2 days thanks to my oh-so-considerate children.

** Conversation with Hannah as I was sitting in my computer chair and she was standing next to me:

Hannah: "I have boogies. Where should I wipe them?"
Me: "Hang on. I'll get you a tissue.
[Wipes her face along the length of my shirt sleeve.]
Hannah: "Never mind. I got it."

** I think I got the job. Maybe. They're checking my references like crazy, telling the people they need their responses "ASAP". Assuming none of my references tell the company I'm an alcoholic psychopath that doesn't actually ever work, I think they're going to give me an offer. (See? It pays to be a total ass in interviews. It makes the interviewers feel better about themselves.)

** My sister got called in for an interview next week. (This is a very good thing.)

** My dad got a job offer today too.

** Apparently, it's Job Offer Week in my family. ;)

** A guy we know hung himself last night. His daughter, who is due any day now with her third baby found him in the garage. My heart is breaking for all of them. :(

** Watched "Flight Plan" tonight. Pretty damn good movie actually.

** Steve fell asleep 5 minutes into it. That pisses me off for some reason and does every time.

And in other news...

I had another busy day. Seriously, these busy, productive days need to stop. It's just not me at all.

Anyway, the electrician was here all morning and we now have power throughout the kitchen! That means all outlets work and all appliances can be ordered (fridge arrives next week). It also means that the dishwasher is up and running! YEEHAW!!! I still can't use it until we clean out the inside of it really well, but just seeing the little lights light up on the front panel was enough to send me over the edge.

I had to laugh when I was leaving for my interview and the electrician told me that perhaps I should watch my mouth, because "dropping all those F-bombs" I usually do may not seem very professional. Duly noted, my friend.

I made spaghetti tonight. I haven't had spaghetti in almost year and it was sooooo freakin' good.

I'm pissed about American Idol. As cute as little, geeky Kevin is, he never should've beat out the guy who had the second lowest votes. (I won't say his name in case some of you haven't watched it yet.) Goddammit.

I picked up our backordered tiles after my interview, so hopefully, Steve will start working on the backsplash this weekend. Good stuff.

All in all, a good day.

Thirteen Things I Probably Shouldn't Have Said During My Interview Today 1. "I don't have to join, right?" (When told about the free gym membership that is part of the company's benefit package...) 2. "You can just write a big, fat, red F on that thing right now." (When handed a "Logic Test" they wanted me to take.) 3. "Do you ever actually laugh, or do you just smirk all the time?" 4. "It was nice meeting you. [pause] Well, sort of." 5. "I'd give her the smackdown." (When asked what I would do if I was standing in line for movie tickets and a woman cut in front of me.) 6. "I don't know. I'd have to see the other candidates." (When asked why I'm the best candidate for the job.) 7. "Because we have a kick ass pig roast every year that I'd invite you to." (When asked why they should hire me.) 8. "Because I could be the office entertainment." (When asked why they should hire me by a different interviewer.) 9. "Ok. Ok. Because I'm hard working, I get my stuff done, blah, blah, blah." (Said immediately after the above comment. And I actually said "blah, blah, blah".) 10. "We pay for our own medical benefits because my husband is self-employed. [pause] Bastard." 11. "Do you want a list?" (When asked what kind of people annoy me.) 12. "See? I was half right. So I don't completely suck." (When reviewing my answers to the Logic Test.) 13. "I was laid off from my last company. You know... just so you don't think I was fired for stealing or anything. [pause] They never caught me."

Today...

I registered Grace for kindergarten, returned our griddle to the appliance store, did some laundry, washed some dishes, took Grace to the playground, witnessed a little boy getting accidentally slammed by a bigger kid on a swing and his mom calling an ambulance to come pick him up, visited my sister, got annoyed by my sister, felt sorry for my sister, stole catfood from my sister when she wasn't looking, picked up Hannah at my mom's house, played doctor, blocks, and tea party, felt sorry for Steve when at 7:30 tonight, he decided to drive 45 minutes (one way) to today's job site to cover a porch he poured in case it rained, watched American Idol and rewound to watch Taylor Hicks three times just because he makes me smile, had both girls in bed by 8:15, cooked a fish/green beans/mashed potatoes dinner tonight at 8:30, forgot to call in and vote for Chris, Bucky, and Taylor, and managed NOT to laugh during "relations" this evening.

I'm tired and I'm going to bed. G'night.

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Conversation Overheard Between Grace & Hannah:

Grace: "Hey Hannah! I'm going to tell you a joke!"

Hannah: "OK!"

Grace: "Does a puppy go to the movies or pee?"

Hannah: "I don't know."

Grace: "He pees at the movies!" [insert hysterical laughter of both girls here]

Don't quit your day job, kid. Really.

All About Me (Tag! You're It)

I was tagged by Chelle...

1. Best movie you've seen in the last year: Saw & Saw 2 (I've seen both within the past year.)

2. Favorite web site: My mom boards

3. What sport (if any) did you play in high school? None. I was in the band. (Shut up.)

4. Favorite T.V. show: House, Survivor, American Idol, Amazing Race, Prison Break, Lost & CSI (New York and Miami).

5. What is the interior color of your car? tan

6. Have you ever been outside the country? Just Canada

7. Are you right or left handed? Right

8. Do you have an inny or an outy? inny

9. Where were you born? Palmerton, PA

10. Can you do the splits? Not anymore.

11. Any odd talents? I can fit my entire fist in my mouth.

12. If you could pick any nick-name for yourself, what would it be? Alien

13. What was your first impression of your spouse/boyfriend? He was hot and I liked his 4 earrings

14. If your life had a theme song, what would it be? "Only the Good Die Young" by Billy Joel

15. Favorite card game: Asshole

16. If moofs are goofs, and goofs are moofs, then all moofs are definitely goofs. True or false? True

17. What is the square root of 64? 8

18. Steak or chicken? Steak

19. Comedy, romance, or suspense? Comedy

20. Favorite childhood cartoon: Smurfs and the Snorks

21. Favorite make up line: Uhhhhh.... Cover Girl? LOL!

22. What is your home page? My email account

23. What are you listening to right now? Jimmy Neutron (ewwwww!)

24. If you could make up a theme song for your life, what would it be? Uhhh... the same one I just mentioned above

25. What's your favorite fruit & vegetable? Fruit-strawberry, veggie-raw carrots

26. Who is your hero? Steve. But don't ever tell him I said that.

27. What is your favorite fairytale? Snow White

28. Who are you most like - Cinderella, Belle, Snow White, or Ariel? Ariel.

29. What celebrity are you hot for? Ty Pennington & Johnny Depp

30. Who is your favorite historical figure & why? Uhhhh... whoever invented beer?

31. Are you one of those weird people who likes chicken, beef & pork, but won't eat it off the bone? Nah. I don't like it as much but I'll eat it.

32. What was your favorite thing to do on summer break when you were a kid? Playing with my brother and sister. Going to the public pool every single (sunny) day.

33. How many siblings do you have? Two. One sister and one brother.

34. Do any of you have crazy neighbors, or is it just me? Nah.

35. If you're married, how old were you when you got married. . . to this spouse? 28

36. Have you ever stood in front of the mirror with a hairbrush and pretended to sing along with the music? Yup.

37. If you could make any law, what would it be? Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth.

38. If you had 10 million dollars, how would you spend it? I would pay off debt, buy a newer house, and other random crap

39. Hillary or Condoleezza? Condoleezza

40. What's the coolest thing you've ever found? Uhhhh... Steve?

41. Who was the scariest, Jason or Freddie? Jason

42. If you could meet any famous person, past or present, who would it be? Adolph Hitler. So I could kick him in the nuts. I mean, think how cool it would be to just knee the fucker right in the family jewels. Sweet.

Feeling a Little Sentimental Today...

This morning I take Grace to register for kindergarten. Now, generally speaking, I'm OK with her actually going to "real school." She's excited, so I'm excited for her. The daycare she currently goes to is so far away that it will be rather comforting having her go to school right around the corner from our house, where she can make friends with kids that actually live in the area.

What freaks me out is that she's already old enough to go. Oh my god. It seems like she was just born for the love of god!

So anyway, prompted by this sentimental feeling, I went back and looked at pictures from this time of each year since she was born. Bad move. That just made me more sentimental (but also made me smile because she was so cute).

So let's take a quick walk down Memory Lane, shall we?

Here she is in March of 2002. She was about 9 months old and couldn't even walk yet...

A year later in March of 2003. I remember that day. Steve and I took her to the park. I was 6 months pregnant with Hannah at the time and we were trying to fit in as much time with Grace as we could before the new baby came along...

By the next March, in 2004, she looked so much older. Totally little girl at that point, with all signs of babiness gone.

And here she is around this time one short year ago. Playing outside and making friends with the caterpillars...

And now. She's ALL kid now. And although I'm so proud of her and am thrilled to see her growing into a beautiful little girl, I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss that baby a little bit. Time goes too fast, my friends...

I was like a machine today...

Seriously. I couldn't be stopped. Productivity was my middle name. Wanna hear what I got done?

OK, so I sent Grace off to daycare. After showering and getting all persons dressed appropriately, I strapped Hannah in the car and headed out for some good, ol' fashioned errand running.

First stop was the gas station. I had decided to cash in Steve's rub off lottery tickets that have been sitting here for a good 3 months. He obviously didn't need the cash, but mama did. So I was $12.00 richer. Hannah wanted a bag of gummy strawberries. "What the hell," I thought. "Steve's paying for these bad boys with his lottery winnings. Why not?"

But see, he wasn't. Because sweet, tiny Hannah with the big blue eyes scored a free bag of candy when the guy that works there said they were on him. And yes, this is the same dude that laughed at me last week when I went in there looking like a total ass. I told you guys he likes me...

Next stop was the doctor's office where we picked up copies of Grace's immunization records for kindergarten registration tomorrow. I'm still in denial about the whole thing, so let's just move along...

"Where are we going next, Mommy?" asked Hannah, as we left the doctor's office.

"Ummm... uhhh... the beer store," I mumbled under my breath.

"YAY! The beer store!" yelled Hannah (even though she's never been there in her life).

So we pull up at the beer store (actually, the downstairs of a couple's home... EE's been there... LOL!) and I take Hannah in with me. While there, she again scores free candy when the owner offers her a Tootsie Roll. Seriously, I'm beginning to think I need to take Hannah with me more often when wanting to acquire free shit.

Then we came home and that's when it all began. My inability to really sit down today. I managed to get all non-refrigerated food off of 3 free-standing bookshelves scattered throughout our downstairs, and get it all into our kitchen cabinets. Of course, this involved rearranging things for a good 3 hours as I came up with ridiculous logic as to where each item should be placed.

Next, I cleaned the sunroom that I had slowly been emptying throughout the day.

But then the playroom started annoying me since that was the only room left that hadn't been cleaned in the past 2 days. So I cleaned and reoganized that entire room too.

It was crazy, I tell ya. Throw in the mountains of dishes I washed today, and even I don't know who this imposter is.

----------------------------------------------------

In other news, my sister had a horrendous appointment at the orthepedic specialist today, involving her screaming in the office (supposedly) when they had to move her ankle. They told her she will probably need surgery, and possibly need pins in her ankle. Upon hearing the news, I instantly felt guilty for my bathing crack yesterday. Granted, there's still no way in hell I'm washing her, but I felt bad for saying it. LOL!

----------------------------------------------------

Other random things I feel like mentioning....

~ Hannah walked around for an hour today wearing two zip up hoodies... with both hoods up... in the house.

~Got an email that Steve's grandmother also slipped and fell on ice yesterday (not the same ice as my sister), and is in the hospital indefinitely with a broken shoulder. Lovely.

~ In making the girls pancakes for dinner tonight, I realized that I have a loooong way to go before I can properly gauge the cooking time differences between gas and electric stovetops. God bless my children for eating those half-burned pancakes without so much as a look asking what the fuck was wrong with the damn things.

~ I've decided I really don't give a rat's ass about any of the female American Idol contestants.

~ LOVE the hippie dudes on Amazing Race. Seriously. I hope they win.

~ HATE the frat boys, and the old couple annoys me. (Mean. I know. I don't care.)

More fun stuff...

Are you pregnant? Are you sure? Take this online pregnancy test and find out.

My results said:

Allison, you're going to be the proud parent of a baby boy, and just look- isn't he just so damn cute! Based on our remote test results, your beautiful baby boy will weigh about 7 lbs, 8 oz and have blonde hair and hazel eyes. Truly a Wonder To Behold!

The daddy is:

Dick Cheney: This must have occurred while you were in a coma or otherwise unconscious, like at a frat party. We can't think of any other likely way.

His name is:

Jackson Michael Cheney

And the lightbulb goes on...

I've come to the realization that when the girls are fighting, making me want to beat them, I should really just let them fight and then they can beat the shit out of each other and I won't have to get involved.

(Disclaimer: I do NOT actually beat my children. But any parent will tell you that it's often very, very hard to keep your cool. If any mom says that doesn't happen to her, she's lying.)

Who says quickies are bad?

OK. This is going to be a quick recap because it's 12:30 in the morning, I'm about done with my last beer, and I need to get up early to get Grace ready for daycare. So, in the past 24 hours, the following things happened...

~ Got three prank calls in a row last night, at midnight, all from the same stupid teenage girls until on the third time, I flipped out, called them "fucking little assholes" and told them they were pranking a cop's house (obviously not true). They didn't call back.

~ Called the doctor's office and organized to go pick up Grace's immunization records for kindergarten registration on Wednesday. *sniff sniff*

~ Went to the appliance store and ordered our refrigerator and picked up our griddle attachment for our stovetop.

~ Took the girls to visit with my MIL a bit.

~ Was thrilled when she gave me $$$ to get the girls some lunch at Burger King.

~ Came home and found out the griddle we/they ordered won't fit. Shit.

~ Cleaned the living room from top to bottom, including under furniture.

~ Got a call from my dad that my sister was walking her two horses (I mean dogs), slipped on some ice, snapped her leg and was currently in the ER in tears. (Reason # 1,232, 345 why I will never own a dog.)

~ Took the girls outside after Hannah's nap in an attempt to give them some fresh air. I swear I wasn't trying to tire them out so they'd go to bed early... Honest.)

~ Brought them back in when they kept fighting over the sand shovels.

~ Took a lot of deep breaths, trying not to yank my hair out or harm my children.

~ Threw Grace in the shower in a n attempt to seperate the little heathens, even if just for a few minutes.

~ Found out that after seeing a specialist, my FIL's girlfriend "only" has stage 3 cancer and the doctors think she'll be just fine after treatments.

~ Talked to my sister, whom informed me that she can't even pee right anymore because she can't bend her knee because of the cast on her leg, so she has to hold her leg up in the air while she's on the toilet. Dear god, Kristin. An little TMI, my friend.

~ Told her I'd come over tomorrow to help her bathe. (I was kidding. Let her stink. I bathe enough people in my life.)

Liar...

I don't despise nerds. I might not be one, but most of my friends are. :)

The Good

1. Got to sleep in since both girls slept over at my parents' house last night.

2. Only had Hannah all day since my parents took Grace to a show this afternoon.

3. Got the door and window trim painted and it looks fabulous. Steve rules. I can't believe he made some of it out of a plain ol' piece of wood. (Pictures tomorrow.)

4. Got good take out food for dinner.

5. Had a fairly calm evening with the girls (other than the ridiculously disgusting toilet incident mentioned in "The Bad" below.

6. Had both girls sleeping by 8:30.

7. Steve brought home 3 stools from his mom's house that we're using at the island until we find some we like.

8. Had relations.

The Bad

1. Woke up with all sorts of aches and pains because I actually slept in my own bed (as opposed to Grace's) and the mattress sucks. When 2 people both roll towards the middle all night because of the large "dip" in the mattress, it's probably time to replace it.

2. Missed Grace.

3. Had areas of the trim that I had to paint using an frickin' teeny tiny watercolor brush because of all the dips, dents, and details. Also had to do it while standing on a rickety old wooden ladder that should really just be burned, and my arm hurt from reaching up over my head so much.

4. Ate too much and felt like crap afterwards.

5. While Shop Vac'ing the kitchen, I heard hysterical laughter coming from two children in the bathroom. Upon investigation, I discovered Hannah dipping her underwear into the toilet and then flinging the water all over herself, Grace, and the bathroom. I swear to god, these kids are trying to kill me. So much for skipping baths tonight.

6. The stools don't match the kitchen for shit, but at least we have a place to sit and eat now.

7. Laughed during the "relations" at a really bad time.

We're so cool...

Got this from EE. A Teen Slang site.
---------------------------------------------

Allison n. 1. a scooter. 2. cola.
"That Allison is so dangerous!"

That's right. And don't you forget it.
---------------------------------------------

Steve n. money, often enormous.
"My man, you can't buy Steve!"

Totally not true. Steve loves money WAY too much to ever say he can't be bought.
---------------------------------------------

Grace v. to punch a policeman.
"I can't believe Kelly tried to grace!"

This one scares me because I can totally see this being true in the future.
---------------------------------------------

Hannah adj. carrying a friend.
"I wish my man was hannah."

I don't even know how to respond to this one.
---------------------------------------------

Fun stuff...

I found this fun website through CJ's blog. You type in a word and it cranks out an advertsing slogan. I first used CJ's idea of using our names. But then I got all inappropriate and started typing in all sorts of dirty words. I seriously haven't laughed this hard in weeks...


"Gotta Lotta Allison." (How the hell did it know there's a lot of me these days?)

"See the USA in Your Steve." (This made me almost piss myself laughing and I have NO idea why I find it so amusing.)

"Because So Much Is Riding On Your Grace." (I don't know who/what is riding my kid, but they'd better get off.)

I did Grace's name again and it came out with "Race for the Grace." Snort.

"Strong and Beautiful, Just Like Hannah." (Awww...)

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So then I started using other random favorite words...

Beer: "Stop. Go. Beer." (LOVE this one.)

Smoke: "The Smoke For All Ages." (That's right folks... even your toddler can now smoke.)

Fuck: "The World's Local Fuck." (Shit. They do know me.)

Ass: "Leggo my Ass!" (I seriously can't stop laughing.)

Assfuck: "Hungry? Why Wait? Grab an Assfuck." (Tears are literally running down my cheeks right now from laughing so hard.)

Dick: "You Too Can Have A Dick Like Mine." (Now I'm crying and pissing myself.)

Crotch: "Splash Crotch All Over." (Oh... My... God. Can't... breathe...)

Sex: "Daddy or Sex?" (I don't want to even speculate what this means.)

Nail: "Do You, uh, Nail?" (Why yes... yes I do.)

Whore: "Just for the Taste of Whore." (I really, really must stop now.)

So Many Thoughts, So Little Time...

"Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change." ~Author Unknown

I've been so busy lately (or so it seems) and have had so many damn people in the house lately, that I feel like I haven't been able to really blog, and cop out every day with a dorky picture of myself from the 90's. But at this very moment, the girls are sleeping at grandma's and Steve's passed out cold from exhaustion in the recliner behind me, so I can finally form a coherant thought (or 20). Let's get started...

First, I would like to apologize to all of my blogger friends. I have been desperately trying to keep up with your blogs the past week, but it hasn't always been possible. Tonight, I finally managed to do just that (for the most part). Unfortunately, although I had time to read them, I had so much to catch up on, that I didn't have a chance to comment on them (because I suck). So rest assured, that although it doesn't appear so, I have read your blogs (as if you give a shit whether I have or not).

Second, I would like to admit right now, here, out loud, that I am thanking all things holy that both children are at Grandma's tonight. I soooo needed a break. Not even necessarily from them, as they've been pretty damn well-behaved the past week. But Steve's been home since Monday, the girls only went to daycare one day this week because of the weather, and every person we know has dropped by unannounced to visit this week either for a bit (or for the entire fucking day). I am just so tired of making conversation, washing dishes, listening to power tools, and picking up Legos, blocks, crayons, dolls, stuffed animals, books, and clothing that I could literally fucking scream. I am free tonight, people. Do you hear me? FREE!!!!!!!

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My MIL and her husband decided they wanted to take me, Steve, and the girls out to dinner tonight. Now some of you know this about me already, but I rarely (never) take our kids out to eat in actual, nice sit down restaurants. Ever. I have absolutely NO tolerance for children misbehaving in restaurants (mine or other people's). It just seriously hacks me off.

I think people go out to eat to enjoy themselves. And there's no way someone is going to enjoy themselves when obnoxiously loud children are running around the tables, yelling, or getting in and out of their chairs.

So instead of dealing with that stress, we just get a lot of take out and we all eat in the privacy of our own home where the girls can run around singing "Yankee Doodle Dandy" while buck naked for all I care.

Anyway, it didn't go too badly tonight. We made three trips to the bathroom (or risk tantrum hell) "just for fun" because my children are fascinated with public restrooms.

And I only had to make one trip with Hannah outside to the entryway while she threw a fucking fit because she wanted to sit in a particular seat, but wouldn't tell us which seat so she just kept yelling and throwing herself on the floor. We came back in to have Grace ask me (wide eyed) what I "did to Hannah out there in that room". To which I replied (evilly) "You sooo don't want to find out, kid, so don't push it."

Only had to tell Steve twice to please stop ignoring his wandering children and tell them to sit the hell back down since they didn't appear to be hearing me who had been telling them for the past 15 minutes.

During dinner, my MIL said how she'd like to take us out to dinner once a month (as well as Steve's brother's family and her husband's son's family in a whole "rotating" sort of system). Lady, if you think I'm going to go through that stressful hell once a month, you're fucking crazy. However, if yo'd like to take just Steve and I out once a month, I'm all for it.

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Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I just turned around to look at the TV and saw that "Little People, Big World" is coming on TLC in exactly 12 minutes. Panic attack. Panic attack. Panic attack. Must... change... channel... NOW!!!!

Update: I forced myself to watch this last night and actually rather enjoyed it. After the first 10 minutes, I kind of forgot I was freaked out, and started feeling badly for them instead. See? I have a heart. Somewhere.

------------------------------------------------------------------

We watched "Anchorman" tonight. I almost pissed myself laughing. Literally.

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Didn't know whether to laugh or cry yesterday when Grace walked into Hannah's room at 6:30 in the morning and said, "Hey Hannah, do you want to go downstairs and play that game where I'm a ghost and I kick the ball into your face?"

(What was even worse was that Hannah said, excitedly, "YEAH!" and ran downstairs with her.)

So here's a picture of my best friend in high school (J.) and me around Christmas of 1991. Let's talk about a few things here...

First, we have the most obvious (in my opinion) fashion faux pas... J.'s ankles. Or maybe not his actual ankles so much as the condition of his jeans around his ankles. Oh... my... god... I often totally forget that guys used to do that to their pants too. What the hell were we thinking.

In keeping with the whole ankle theme, let's check out my footwear. Do y'all remember those suede lace up ankle boots that were all the rage? And if you were really cool (like me), yours had inexplicable knit sweater material sticking out the top around the ankle. Seriously. What the hell was that all about?

Now let's move on up to our shirts. I hate to admit it, but I believe I still have that sweater somewhere here in my home. Um, why? That's all I want to know. What, in the name of all things holy, would make me hang on to that thing. [shudder]

And I specifically remember the shirt J.'s wearing in this picture. It used to be one of my favorites on him and I thought he looked cool (and hot) in it. Uh, yeah. If you're Bill Cosby maybe...

Ya know, I had said that the 90's ruled and how I wish sometimes I could go back to those days. But when I see how we looked in pictures like this, I'm thinking the 90's may not have been as great as I'm remembering. ;)

Look EE!....

We had matching hair. ;)

KISS this...

Dear god I fucking ruled in the 90's. This is me my junior year of college. I was (obviously) dressed up for a Halloween party as Paul Stanley from KISS. My three guy friends were the remaining 3 members of the band. We won second place (as a group) in the costume contest.



Seriously, when did I become uncool? Because obviously that wasn't an issue in 1994. ;)

13 THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED TO ME THE PAST TWO DAYS THAT CONFIRM MY BELIEF THAT IF I DIDN'T DRINK, I'D GO INSANE 1. Steve hasn't worked a single day this week. That means he's here at home. God help me... 2. Steve & I drove 30 miles north yesterday morning to go to Lowe's and buy moulding for around the doors, windows, and large openings in the kitchen, and lights for over the island. We left (after 2.5 hours) with nothing because we couldn't decide on anything. 3. We were home an entire 30 minutes when Steve decided we should go 30 miles south to Home Depot to check there. We did buy some, but he decided to make the rest (meaning we never really had to go anywhere). We never did find lights we liked. 4. My father-in-law's girlfriend was diagnosed with Stage 4 ovarian cancer. She's only 45. 5. Due to crappy ass weather, both kids and Steve were home today and I had to try really hard not to kill all of them at some point. 6. Hannah has had to change her clothing 6 times already today and I'm predicting another 2 times before bed. 7. While the girls were both sitting in the tub, Hannah looked up at me, smiled, and said sweetly, "Hee hee. I'm peeing in the tub." 8. I found a disgusting sore on the back of Grace's ear because of her earring. 9. While in the middle of a phone interview at 10:00 this morning, Hannah walked up to me naked from the waist down, handed me her pants, and yelled, "I peed, mommy!" 10. I asked the guy interviewing me about the recruiter that originally called me, and then realized about 4 hours later that I think the recruiter I had talked to had been calling about a totally different job listing for a totally different company. 11. One of the cats puked on Steve's bed again yesterday and I had to mumble some stupid excuse (not involving cat fluids) when he asked why I had washed the quilt. 12. If I have to pick up one more fucking Lego or play dish or stuffed animal, I'm seriously going to hurt someone. 13. The above 12 entries have severely cut into my email/blog/internet boards time and I'm not liking it.

Dear god...

Could my glasses have been any bigger in the '90's. Oy. LOL!