Who are you and what did you do with Allison?

So. I’ve been pondering how to blog about this without feeling like I’ve betrayed myself and the people that know me well. We all know how I feel about exercise. I hate it. I know it’s good for you and all that shit, but I never understood (still don’t) why people willingly make themselves breathe heavy and exert themselves. So it is with deep regret to inform you all that I’ve started doing just that. [hanging head in shame]

It’s something I had been thinking about a lot lately. Not because I wanted to lose weight or be buff or any of those other usual reasons. It was because I was sick and tired of always feeling tired and panicking daily that I was going to perish rather young and leave my 2 gorgeous daughters with a father who, although he tries desperately, just can’t make their hair presentable for school every day.

I gave myself the usual excuses… I’ll start in spring when the weather is nicer… I’ll do it after I quit smoking… I’ll just park in the last spot in WalMart, farthest from the store and walk a bit… etc.

But then, well, that ONE motivator in my life occurred over the weekend. Steve was talking to his brother on the phone. When they hung up, Steve laughed and said mentioned that his brother said he had to hang up because the kids were wild and “Jen is out for her run so I have to reign them in.” Jen? Running? On a regular basis? Son of a bitch! We ALL know how I feel about my SIL. Although there are no obvious issues between us anymore, I know that secretly, we’re still fiercely competitive. There is no way in HELL I’ll EVER let her be in better shape than me (which isn’t saying much) or thinner than me (something that has never occurred since I’ve met Steve). I mean, can any of us forget when I was told she joined a gym, prompting me to do so? And then, when months later, found out she never joined a gym? ARG! But I have to admit that the last time I saw her (a few weeks ago), she DID look thinner, so I truly believe she’s started running/walking. Dammit to hell.

Anyway, that was enough motivation to convince me to do what I’d be contemplating for the past few weeks. Quite a few of my friends have started the Couch to 5K program, and have had decent success, so I had been thinking about looking into it myself. Once I heard the evil, comma-eyebrow-painting SIL was running, I felt I had no choice. Sigh.

So on Monday, I did it. I followed the Week 1 “rules” and did what I was supposed to. I didn’t cheat. I didn’t walk when I was supposed to be running. And I DID it, dammit! I was so proud of myself! I smoke about 1/2 pack a day and drink WAY more than any person should, and yet, I completed Day 1. I hate to admit it, but towards the end of it, I was ready to pack it in, but found that if I just chanted, “Jen. Jen. Jen…” every time my foot hit the ground, I could muster through it.

So today was my second day (you do it every other day), and it was a bit easier. My legs were much more forgiving, but it was colder, so breathing was a bit harder. But I DID IT! I didn’t cheat at all and I did what I was supposed to do. Steve’s proud. My mom was asking me about it. And my Facebook friends have been nothing but encouraging. But most importantly, I’M proud of myself. Exercise and I are not friends, so the fact that I’m pushing myself does give me a bit of pride.

And I won’t lie…. come this summer, when the family’s all at my FIL’s house to swim in his pool and I can rock my bathing suit better than my SIL, I’ll smile to myself and inwardly thank her for being a bitch, which is what motivated me to do what I needed to do anyway. Ahhh… life is good….

I’ve decided that tomorrow, I’m going to take a “Before” photo of myself and post it so I can show the “After” as I go along on the program. It’s NOT something I really wanted to do, but at the same time, I like to take comfort in the fact that I’m extremely comfortable with who I am now. I really am! It’s me. Take me or leave me. If you don’t like it, don’t look. And I think it will be fun (and motivational) for me to post a photo at the end of each week or two and see what I look like at the end of the 9 weeks.

Again, I’m not doing it to lose weight. I’m more than happy with the number that shows up when I step on a scale. But the distribution of that weight (HELLO butt, stomach and thighs) could probably use a little work, so we’ll see how that changes as I continue the program.

So sit back and enjoy the ride. I figure that even if you have no interest in the exercise portion of it, at least I can keep you entertained with half naked photos of myself and updates on the comparisons between myself and my SIL. Because I KNOW you all have that ONE family member that you feel the need to better than. Don’t lie. You do. You just don’t want to admit it…

Much better today...

My sister's situation isn't really any better, but I am. I finally got some stuff done today. And I kind of decided I need to seperate myself from the situation. Not that I'm not here for my sister, or that I won't help her. Just that I can't let myself get caught up in the drama. I have a family and a house to take care of, and I have my problems and issues to deal with. So I'm wiping my hands as clean from the situation as I can without being a bitchy, horrible sister.

So enough about that crap. LOL! I'm off to start dinner now (chicken fajitas... Mmmm....). Then I'll snuggle with my kids, help Grace with her homework, and settle in for some "House" and "Cane" viewing pleasure. Sweet.

The one good thing about recent situations is that I haven't felt like doing anything productive, so I've gotten a shitload of scrapbooking done. I'll post some of my layouts later after I upload them to Flickr. It's that time of year now and the requests from friends for collages and Christmas cards are starting to come in, so I'll have that to take my mind off things. Thanks again everybody!

Thank You (and other stuff...)!

I just wanted to take a few minutes and thank those of you that commented here or emailed me with sympathy about my cat, teeth, sister, brother, etc. It really does mean a lot to me and I truly, truly appreciate it.

But it hasn't gotten any better around here. In fact, it's gotten worse... Well, not in terms of my toothache, because that's gotten a slight bit better... And not in terms of my brother because I haven't had any sort of contact with him since Friday, so I don't know if that whole thing is better or worse... And not in terms of my PMS, because that ol' visitor has come and gone for the month.

But in terms of my sister? Yeah. Worse. Way, WAY worse. And I'm not getting into details right now. Not because I'm being secretive and mysterious. Just because if I have to type it all out again for the 5th or 6th time today, I swear to god, I'll blow my brains out. (I may blow my brains out anyway, but if I do, rest assured it's not because I typed out my whole "sister drama" again.)

Anyway, I'm OK, but I just wanted to take a second to say thanks to you all. You're all very sweet and I appreciate the concern for me. I'll be back again soon, and hopefully, I'll be my usual, chipper self (LOL!). It may take another day or two though. :)

What are the fucking odds?

Seriously. I feel like I'm living in the twilight zone today. I'm so very sorry I haven't blogged lately, but it's been one hell of a week. But anyway, back to this odds thing. Without getting into detail (because I'm tired and ready for bed), I had to put our other cat, Cooter, to sleep today. I swear to god, I didn't even know he was sick until the middle of the night last night when he started wailing and crying from midnight until the morning. He woke all of us up and kept us up half the night. I took him to the vet this morning and he was severely jaundiced (indicating liver failure) and the vet could feel "a huge mass" in his stomach. It was painfully obvious he was in pain and had something wrong with him that wasn't fixable, so I agreed to send him to a better place. But it was kind of a shock since we had no clue anything was even wrong until less than 24 hours ago.

Anyway, so I get home from the vet and send an email to my brother and sister telling them about Cooter just to let them know. My brother emails back saying he just put his cat to sleep this morning too. He's devastated. Absolutely devastated. But seriously, what are the odds that my older sibling and I would have to put our cats to sleep on the exact same day, within an hour or two of each other? That's just fucking creepy, and I don't care what any of you say. It has to be a curse or something. Which one of you out there is performing hocus pocus on my family? Because it's rude and I want it to stop.

Oh, and my sister is here right now, sleeping on my couch with two VERY large horses dogs lying next to her on the floor. Why you ask? Oh, because my BIL that she's divorcing is apparently a fucking psycho lately and we didn't think it was safe for her to stay at her house tonight. (Like seriously not safe.) Since Grace and Hannah are sleeping over at my parents' house tonight (and Hannah's terrified of dogs), and my sister only lives about a mile down the street from me, it made more sense for her to come here tonight than go to our mom and dad's house. So here I am, the self-proclaimed non-lover of canines, with two gigantic German Shepherds on my living room floor, a sister who needs to wake the fuck up and realize that it's time to pull out the can of whoop ass sleeping on my sofa, and a brother who has been sobbing all day because his best feline buddy is now "in a better place".

Never mind that I also put my own cat to sleep today, leaving us completely petless for the first time in over 12 years.

And that I went from having 2 cats to having no cats within 2 months.

And that I have a friggin' toothache that would send a grown man to his knees, but  that I'm ignoring because I don't have dental insurance and because the last time I went to the dentist he seriously wanted to pull out all of my upper teeth and give me a full set of dentures, which I guarantee you is going to happen in the next few years, but that I don't want to deal with right now.

And that I'm flat broke.

Oh, and that I have my period.

Yup. Life is big fat bowl of cherries right now, lemme tell ya.

Is it 2008 yet? Because I'm really looking forward to 2008.

The Divorce...

Not mine. My sister's. Mary commented in my last post asking who's getting the dogs. Those two horse-sized beasts that, for the most part, are very sweet dogs. But since I'm not a big fan of four-legged creatures, they're certainly not near and dear to my heart. Sorry animal lovers. And I think that my sister's love obsession with them is freakin' bizarre. She dresses them up on Halloween and Christmas, she has birthday parties for them, etc. She says they're her "kids," but I find the whole thing rather disturbing and unhealthy.

Anyway, back to the divorce. She's leaving him. We all like him for the most part, but she says she's not in love with him anymore. That she loves him, but she's not in love with him. He isn't always nice to her when he drinks. Never anything physically abusive, but he's been known to make rude remarks to her, tell her she's getting fat, etc. I guess over the years, it's worn her down. As much as I like Mike and I'll miss him, I'm proud of her for making the decision to move on in her life and search for happiness again.

Anyway, she told him they were done about a month and a half ago. He was devastated. However, over the past few weeks he's already dated several women (his way of "getting over Kristin") and has found a house to rent and is in the process of moving out. He still swings by here for beers and to hang out (with her blessing) and sometimes the two of them even come over together, as they're trying to remain as "civil" as possible through this whole thing.

I feel horrible for both of them because they're both upset about it in their own ways, etc. But here's where the dogs come in. My sister absolutely, positively will NOT part with those dogs. Here's the thing though. Now that Mike is moving out, he's not going to pay the mortgage on their house anymore and I don't blame him, frankly. This was her idea, not his and he can't afford to pay rent AND the mortgage. However, my sister only makes $1100 a month. The mortgage is $1000 a month. She obviously can't stay there and pay for it on her own. Here's where it gets tricky. She won't get rid of the dogs. None of us will let her move into our homes with those two beasts (as well as 3 cats... let's not forget the felines). But she can't pay for the house. Hmmm...

So the house is on the market as of last week, but my gut feeling is that will take a little while to sell. When it does sell, neither of them will walk away with much after the mortgage is paid off. A few thousand each at best. And when it does sell, where the hell is she going to go? She is never going to be find a place to rent that will allow her to have 2 HUGE dogs and 3 cats. I mean, what landlord is that stupid? Um, none. I'm actually getting pretty annoyed with her. She's refusing to look ahead. My parents have told her they'll help her out financially as much as they can until the house sells (and I think that is above and beyond what they need to do actually). But once it does sell, she's still screwed. Like I said, she'll never find a place to rent with all those animals. And she can't afford to buy a house. But when you try to talk to her about it, she just says she doesn't want to talk about it. Uh, ok. But what are you going to do, ya know? I'll be pissed if she lives off of my parents' hard-earned money for too long. Sure, they should help her out for awhile. But I'll be annoyed as all hell if she goes the next year or so sucking off my parents who really can't afford to support TWO homes. It's not their job anymore, ya know? She keeps saying "She's not moving anytime soon," and that "she'll stay in that house until they foreclose on it" if she has to. All because of 5 stupid pets. I'm sorry, but sometimes decisions we make as adults are not easy ones and I don't think she's acting very "adult-like" right now.

So I've stopped talking to her about it. I have a hard time holding my tongue around her and my annoyance is often very apparent. And you can't talk to her about anything without her getting completely defensive and pissed off and storming off and being mad at you for a few days. So I don't ask anymore. She's made her bed and now it's her duty to lie in it. The problem is, she wants to lie in it with 5 animals and I don't know how that's going to be possible. So the future should be rather interesting to say the least. [sigh]

Random stuff (because I'm a random kind of gal...)

* I was THRILLED to discover that the show "Six Degrees" returned last night with a brand new episode. I got sucked into it months ago when it first started and then it just disappeared off the air for reasons still unbeknownst to me. But it's back baby, and I couldn't be more excited!

* I decided last night that I'm just going to ignore the world. The girls ignore me when I'm saying something they don't want to hear... Steve ignores me in that way that men do when you're trying to talk to them or remind them of something... Steve ignores the girls when they're swinging from the ceiling fans and out of control... I figure if I was put on this earth to be ignored, I may as well ignore everyone right back, no? LOL!

* We got a little fresh air this morning. Spring is finally starting to give us glimpses of herself and we couldn't be happier. We're all officially done with being stuck in the house all the time.

* Some friends of ours invited themselves are coming over to our house tonight. I'm still undecided if I'm going to keep the girls home to play with their boys that are almost the same ages, or if I'm going to send the girls to sleep over at my mom's like they've been planning to do all along (and not telling them that the boys might be coming). I'm leaning towards Grandma's house. Mama needs a break. LOL!

* I should be cleaning right now, but frankly, I don't feel like it.

* I adore my nephew and generally speaking, have NO problem with him spending almost every weekend with us so he and Steve can go walking around mountains or cutting down trees or whatever it is they do while they're gone. But I swear to god, he eats/drinks the very last bite/swallow of everything in the house. And it's usually the stuff I want. Last weekend, he ate my last big cinnamon muffin (I eat one every day for breakfast when they're here.) Last night, he almost ate the last of the girls Cheezits (they're favorite snack) before I saw him and threatened him with bodily harm if he even thought about it. Today, I went in the refrigerator to get out the last 2 pieces of leftover pizza for the girls and I for lunch, and guess what... it's not there. Gee, I wonder who took that. [sigh] He doesn't do it on purpose, but it's getting pretty damn aggrevating.

* Mary, I'll think up some interview questions for you and post 'em later.

* We're eating hot wings tonight! WOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!

* Another layout, just for shits and giggles:

Background Paper: Meredith Fenwick; Newsprint Paper: Amy Kropp; Cardboard Overlays: Linda GB; Frame: Holly McCaig; Dots Border Template: Seebee; Green Paper Used in Dots: Bren Boone; Glitter Swirls: Carrie Stephens (recolored)

Enough with the birthdays already, people!

Seriously. How many people could've possibly had sex in May and June? Is this a Spring Fever type thing? Because I swear to god, if we get ONE more invitation for a freakin' birthday party, I'm going to go postal. And I'm not just saying that either. I really will, dammit. Do you people have any idea what our weekends are like for the next month? No? Well, let me fill you in...

February 18th: Princess Tea Party for Grace's friend (Yes, this one is already past (thank god), but this is what started the whole freakin' birthday extravaganza.)

February 24th: Cake for my sister's birthday at her house, to celebrate her birthday that was yesterday, the 20th.

February 28th: Roller skating party for Grace's friend.

March 10th: (I still don't know how we're going to pull this one off.)
2:00 - 4:00 PM - Party for Grace's friend at his house down the road a bit.
2:00 - 4:00 PM - Party for Hannah's daycare friend at a gymnastics center in a town about 30 minutes from here.
4:00 - 7:00 PM - Party for our good friend (and Grace's godfather's) daughter. (Seriously, can you hear me ripping my hair out one by one right now?)

March 11th: Surprise 80th Birthday party for the neighbor. (How can we NOT go to this one? I mean, it's not like we don't see them almost every day, ya know?)

March 17th: Birthday party for Grace's friend at a local fire company.

I won't even mention my SIL's birthday on March something-or-other (the 8th maybe? LOL!) or my FIL's on March 14th. God willing, we won't have to actually celebrate those two with any sort of party.

Now seriously, this is just insane. I'm going to have to take out a second freakin' mortgage just to afford to buy all of these people a freakin' gift. [grumble grumble] So people, this is a public service announcement. Please stop producing babies in the spring months. Spread the love a little, ya know? Sex is good all year long. There's really no need to cram it all in in May and June, OK? Thanks.

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And on another note... we ordered a new computer yesterday! WOOHOO! My brand spanking new Dell should be arriving early next week and I can't wait to get my grimy little hands on the bastard. LOL!

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And get this crap... On Friday night when the kids were gone and we decided to visit my MIL and her husband, it came up about me joining the gym. Well, Steve & I, never people to pass up an opportunity to get people laughing, start telling the two of them that the main reason I joined the gym is because Steve told me my once-evil SIL had joined one and that there was no way on god's green earth I was going to let that girl be thinner than me. There's just way too much history there to let that happen. So my MIL and her husband are rolling at how we're telling this story, when my MIL says, "She didn't join a gym." [insert crickets chirping in the death-like silence here...]

Um, what? That's right folks, she did NOT join a gym. Not at all. And this "fancy" piece of exercise equipment that I thought she had bought and was jamming out on every night at home in addition to going to the gym? Yeah. It's a $35.00 piece of plastic that she bought on clearance somewhere. Something about a stepper with rubber band like cords attached to it that you can pull on. What... the... fuck. Oh my god, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I looked at Steve as if I was going to kill him, but by the look on his face, I could tell he was suprised too. My MIL has a habit of getting her stories wrong and she really had made Steve believe that SIL had joined a gym and had bought some big, expensive piece of machinery.

So basically, it was all a big fat lie and now I've joined a gym and gone against all of my beliefs because of this big fat lie. Dammit.

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So let's discuss a little hypothetical situation here. It may have happened yesterday afternoon around 4:00 or it may not have. I'm not saying either way....

So let's say your husband has a best friend. You like this best friend well enough for the most part and the guy is good to your family and would do anything for you. Granted, you used to hate the dude, but those were mostly for reasons that you really should've been pissed at your husband for, not the friend.

This guy can also be a real pain in the ass and his sole purpose in life is to make money, TELL people he's making money, and try to make people believe everything about his life is perfect, when you know for a fact (because he's told you), that things are certainly not perfect. This man's favorite line to use (and he says it to everyone... friends, strangers, whomever...) is, "It's hard to find perfection, but I married it." GAG! Yes, his wife is very attractive. And yes, she's thin and works out and all that other crap. But she's weird. Sometimes you'll see her and she'll talk your ear off. Other times, she'll look right through you as if she's never met you before in her life. You don't dislike her, but she often comes across as a snooty bitch and someone who needs to get some serious lessons on how to be social. You also know that they were in counseling together (not marriage counseling... just counseling in general) a few months ago because they were stressed out, having some issues, disagreeing on things, etc.

This wife now walkie talkies her husband while he's with your husband "just to say I love you" and to ask if he wants mashed potatoes or french fries with dinner. After ending the call, the man goes on and on and on about how wonderful his freaky ass wife is because she called to ask him what he wanted for dinner. Let's all gag again, my friends. You and your DH silently roll your eyes at him behind his back and sometimes get kind of annoyed at how the guy is constantly bragging about his wife, his life, his house, his money, his kids, etc. But all and all, he's really not a bad guy. In fact, he's honestly a really good guy. Just annoying.

Anyway, so you're sitting in the kitchen with your husband and this best friend and all three of you start making jokes about your house and your willingness to clean it. The best friend has pointed out the dust bunnies in the corners of the kitchen and you've made a sarcastic remark about not getting rid of them and you're all laughing (while you're silently wondering what kind of person points that out to someone in their home). But slowly, as the discussion continues, the mood seems to change, and you begin to feel more and more ganged up on and are basically being made to feel like a complete lazy slob with total disregard to the condition of your home. Some comments are made (all by the best friend... not your husband) about how it's "the woman's job" to clean. And you are asked point blank, "You're home. Why aren't you cleaning more? You should be." You begin to get angrier and angrier until you can't even see straight and you're ready to fly across the room and make it a physical altercation. You KNOW your husband doesn't like conflict and that he's hoping you just keep your mouth shut and let it slide. But having the personality that you do, that isn't gonna happen.

So you tell the guy (a guy who NO ONE ever says anything rude to or calls him on something) that "It's pretty fucking rude to walk into someone's home and comment on the condition of it. Especially when that said someone is IN the home 8 hours out of the day every damn day visiting his friend when they can't work in the winter because of their chosen job professions." And then instead of stopping there, you continue to comment on how you feel sorry for the person's wife because if she had any balls at all, she would've ripped his off a long time ago. And how his wife is NOT perfect and if she has to live up to that kind of pressure than god bless her. And then you roll your eyes at him.

And the guy stands there in shock. He's not really sure if you're still kidding or if you seriously just said all that stuff. And he really doesn't know how to react. So he back tracks and starts saying that that's not how he meant it. And how people are just different and what bothers one person might not bother another. And all that sort of happy horseshit. You're still pissed, but for the sake of your husband (who is obviously mortified by BOTH of your actions right now) you try to make light of it, calm down, and start cracking jokes again. You succeed in bringing the mood back down a bit and you're actually swimming with pride at making the dude completely embarrassed, since it's something that doesn't normally happen to him.

And you really declare yourself the winner when he calls the house later that night to apologize repeatedly if he offended you. That's right asshole. Try it again motherfucka, because next time you do something so ignorant and rude, I'll bring up what a fucking whackjob your wife really is and how she is far, far, FAR from being perfect. And then it might get ugly.

(Editor's note: I would just like to say that my house is NOT that bad. There's clutter from the kids toys and mail on the countertops and stuff, but my home is NOT dirty. Sure there are some dustbunnies in the corners, but I'm pretty damn sure that most people don't really think about the dustbunnies in the corners on a regular basis, and sure they'll get cleaned eventually, but they aren't something you add to your To Do list once a week.)

Forgive me Father...

...for I have sinned. Two days ago I did something that goes against everything that I believe is true and right in the world. I did something that makes me re-evaluate my priorities and question my values.

What did I do that was so bad? Ugh. I'm embarrassed to even admit it, but I finally took the plunge and joined a gym. [sigh] This is NOT me. Those of you that have known me awhile or whom have met me in real life will realize how out of character this is for me, and how this is something I have trouble even admitting to people. The humiliation is simply overwhelming. But it had to be done. It really, really did.

So I did it. And as if paying someone in order to do physical activity isn't enough of a shame factor in my life, I joined an all-girls gym. (Seriously. Shoot me now. [sigh] )

But it seemed like the best idea. They offer the whole "express" 30-minute workout (which is all I have time for most days), and they have a seperate room where you can jump on machines and do whatever you want for however long you want to. And they offer some classes which sound kind of hilarious (belly dancing aerobics and salsa dancing aerobics to name two) that I can totally see myself checking out sometime (if for no other reason than having something funny to blog about.)

So I spent all morning psyching myself up. Telling myself it would be fun and that I wouldn't fall off a machine in front of 20 people... or pass out because my nicotene-filled lungs couldn't handle the shock. As I was getting ready to leave the house, Steve ran around yelling, "WOOHOO! You GO, girl! Work it!" And then he handed me one of the girls' purple terrycloth wristbands and dared me to wear that and a headband... One friend emailed me a link to Drew Barrymore's SNL skit where she's doing some sort of hilarious aerobics video wearing flourescent tiger-striped tiger pants... Another friend made a comment about "stomping out my cig" right outside the gym door... Steve said that he could totally picture me on a treadmill, with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other... My mom asked me what the hell was wrong with me that I'd do something that is so against my principles... So it was nice starting out with so much support and encouragement in my life. ;)

So anyway, I went and I joined. They showed me how to use all of the machines in the circuit and I managed not to make a complete fool of myself. However, the owner/trainer either doesn't "get" my humor, or doesn't get humor in general. Because everytime I made a joke or sarcastic remark poking fun at myself, she just stared at me blankly, like I was insane. Not even a glimpse of a smile came through. [sigh] Oh well.

I went back again yesterday, and after I post this, I'll be heading there for the third day in a row. It really isn't quite as bad as I expected it to be, and I'm hoping I can stick it out. However, if you're in my neck of the woods, don't bother trying to find athletic pants, plain T-shirts, sports bras, or gym socks because I've depleted the supply in most of the stores. You'll have to wait until they restock.

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My SIL is a jackass. She called me yesterday to tell me that her son (our nephew) is having a birthday party at McDonald's THIS Saturday at 6:00. Yup. Three days notice. Thanks ya freakin' loser. I already have plans actually, and while Steve takes the girls to the disgusting playplace with crappy food, I'll be at my girlfriend's house, enjoying the company of 21 other women, passing around dildos and vibrators at a Horns and Halos party. WOOHOO! I'm pissed though, because originally, the girls were supposed to sleep over at my mom's that night, allowing me to enjoy my evening out without worrying about Steve trying to get the girls to bed and about him not falling asleep before they do (which is highly likely). But now (because my SIL is an asshole with no manners or common sense enough to tell people ahead of time about things like parties), I'll probably come home to find two hyped up girls jumping around and trashing the house while Daddy snores in the recliner. Son of a bitch...

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Grace is a little hussy. She's been coming home for a week now, telling me about her "boyfriend", Zachary. She said (and I quote), "He told me he actually loves me. So now, instead of breaking up, we're going out." Oh my god! Going out!?!? Kindergarteners know what "going out" is? What the HELL?

And then, the next day, she came home and said she really wasn't sure what to do. Apparently, she also likes Jordan and she really isn't sure which one should be her boyfriend. She pondered this quietly to herself and then said, "Ya know what? I can't pick. I'll just have two boyfriends." I didn't know whether to give her a "You GO, girl!" or explain the moral wrongness of stringing along two handsome men. LOL!

OK guys... off to the gym. [sigh]

Free Husband to Good Home...

So... would anyone like to take Steve off my hands for a few days (possibly weeks)? He's not even technially doing anything wrong per se, but I'm afraid I've overdosed on his company these days. He's not working right now (too cold), which is typical at this time of year. And that's all fine and dandy. But see, technical writers can, for the most part, write at all times, regardless of the outside temperature. That means that I, unlike Steve, do have work.

Now let's also take into consideration the fact that although Grace goes to school 5 days a week, Hannah only goes 3. And if we throw in recent illnesses and inclement weather, that number drops to about 1 or 2 days a week. The number of days both children are gone is directly related to how many days I can get a significant amount of work done for my paying job, which really does (contrary to popular belief) require at least some concentration.

So my dear Steve, I love ya and all, but the fact that you've been here on my "working days", blaring the TV (I swear to god, he's half deaf), blasting the radio, and vacuuming around me is... well... IT'S DRIVING ME FUCKING INSANE!!!!!!!!

So, for the love of all things holy, go away. Go visit your dad... Go visit your mom... Go visit a strip club or a whore house for all I care. Pick one of your numerous hobbies and go do it. Walk down to the garage and pretend you like working on your trucks or something. ANYTHING! Just GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!

(And now back to our regularly scheduled programming....)