Friday, March 31, 2006
Today the weather was gorgeous so we were outside all... day... long. A few pictures...
Let's review some of the day's events, shall we?
* Grace wore that shirt all day. It says, "Mippy... Kickin' Ass in 2005". It made me laugh everytime I read it.
* We stopped at my mother-in-law's house, where Grace just had to tell her to look at her shirt and asked her what it said.
* Was glad my MIL was smart enough not to read the "kickin' ass" part out loud. Was also happy she's cool and laughed, asking me where Grace got the shirt. (My mom would have a fucking COW if she ever saw my child wearing it.)
* Grace got shit on by a bird at the playground. She was pissed, but I almost pissed myself laughing.
* We all managed to nap this afternoon. That never happens.
* Got a call about a telecommuting editing gig. We'll see how that pans out.
* Steve hung a tennis ball from a rope in our tree out back and provided the girls with hours of entertainment. Score 1 for Steve.
* Gathered up our tax information. Because there's nothing like waiting until the last possible second...
* Was ecstatic when Grace said she wanted to skip gymnastics class tonight and just play outside. Thank you, my child.
* Decided that the dude from "Numb3rs" looks ridiculous with his hair like that. (It's now much, much longer than in that picture.)
* Laughed when Hannah called Steve "a freakin' whackjob." (She's really taken a liking to that term, no?)
Thursday, March 30, 2006
THIRTEEN PEOPLE I'D LIKE TO BITCH SLAP.
(SOME GENERAL, SOME SPECIFIC.)
1. Snobs. I hate snobs. Despise them. And I don't mean women who happen to like nice things. Hell, we'd all like nice things. I'm talking about the ones that think they're better than me because they drive/wear/live in/eat better things than I do. Bite me, bitches.
2. Kathy Lee Gifford. Seriously. Does anyone like her? Damn freak.
3. Psycho Sports Parents. You know the ones. The ones that think their daughter/son is the best gymnast/soccer player/football player/etc. ever to walk on the planet. The ones that fight with the refs and other parents if (god forbid) a call is made against their child. And the ones that force their children to train for countless hours a day because it was their dream when they were a child and they've decided to live vicariously through their children.
4. Mike Tyson. Fucking animal. Seriously. The guy should be chained up somewhere and left to starve to death.
5. Tom Cruise. Take it down a few notches dude. You've turned into a damn freak. (And I've never thought you were even remotely attractive, so there.)
6. Bill Collectors That Call My House. Newsflash to you people. I know I'm overdue with my credit card/car/cable payment/etc. I don't need you to remind me. And you calling my home to inform me of it isn't going to magically put the money in my account, allowing me to suddenly be able to pay you. So leave me the fuck alone, will ya? Because the more you call, the longer I'll wait to pay you. On purpose.
7. People who are rude to cashiers, waitresses, etc. when what they're pissed about is in no way, shape, or form that person's fault. Don't yell at the waitress because your steak is overdone. She didn't cook it. Don't yell at the cashier because there's only one register open and tons of people wanting to check out. She is checking people out, so yell at the manager who isn't opening anymore lines. Don't yell at the woman working at the customer service desk when you're returning an item that you hated/broke/had parts missing/etc. She didn't invent it, produce it, or force you to buy it.
8. Guys in minivans that feel the need to show us how much testosterone they have (despite the fact that they're driving a minivan) by driving 25 mph over the speed limit and weaving in and out of traffic. You have a penis. The van is your wife's. We get it.
9. That mom at gymnastics class that gave me "the look" when she overheard me jokingly call Hannah a little freak. Look, bitch. I love my girls. They love me. I call them things like that all the time. We laugh. We have fun. All the time. You should pull that stick out of your ass and try it sometime.
10. The little, fat inventor judge on American Inventor. Go away fuckwad. Although I have no doubt that you have invented things and know a lot about inventions in general, you really, really need to stop claiming to be an expert on everything. It's annoying. And rather pompous of you.
11. People that know you haven't seen a particular movie or read a particular book yet, and who know you have every intention of seeing or reading it at some point, and yet still stand there and tell you the entire plot of the movie or book, including how it ends.
12. People who write emails/posts/blog entries using absolutely no punctuation, no capitalization, and no paragraphs. I refuse to read your shit, squinting while I try to decipher what the hell you're trying to say.
13. Dr. Phil. You, my fat friend, are a pompous asshole.
Special thanks to Emily, who has cool Thursday 13 banners. Yay!
The truth is, I really didn't/don't have anything interesting to blog about anyway. I spent almost all day yesterday online searching for jobs and firing off resumes. I did find a job listing for a Train Car Attendant in the next town over. They run hour-long train rides on the weekends throughout the summer and fall. So I could, possibly, get paid $6 - $10 an hour to help old people and young children get on and off the train on Saturdays and Sundays. Sounds promising, no?
I spent all last night listening to Grace go on... and on... and on... about her field trip today. Her daycare class is going to see a Hercules play at a local university. The thing is, she couldn't care less about the play. See, this is the first field trip she's going on without me. Normally, I go along as a chaperon and so she just drives in the car with me (much to her chagrin). But they don't ask for parent volunteers for this trip, so she gets to ride on the "bus" (actually a school van that they strap the kids' carseats into). She's thrilled. Ahhh... to be young again. But I swear, if I have to hear about that damn bus again, I may have to hurt myself.
But um, yeah. That's about it. See? It's probably good I fell asleep last night. This was some pretty boring shit. LOL! Off to think of something witty, interesting, and/or clever for my Thursday Thirteen. Suggestions are welcomed. ;)
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
~ Hannah called herself "a freakin' whackjob" today and I almost pissed myself laughing. (Uh, yeah. I swear I don't call my kids that. Honest. For real. You can't prove it...)
~ Watched my two children who don't eat peanut butter (like every other non-allergic child on the planet) eat lemon-pepper haddock, broccoli and salads with oil and vinegar dressing tonight. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with them? Not that I wouldn't rather have them eat the fish and vegetables, but for laziness's sake, it would be really nice if I could slap some PB&J on some bread and throw them in their lunchboxes. Geez...
~ Had Hannah come running around the corner, into the kitchen tonight buck naked with LARGE marker scribbles all over her torso, yelling, "I'm maken! I'm maken!" (For some reason, she always says "maken" instead of "naked".)
~ Wiped it off with a baby wipe as best as I could and then figured fuck it, who'll see it? American Idol was about to start, so a bath was out of the question.
~ Taylor Hicks still freakin' RULES! He was my favorite tonight.
~ Ace needs to scrape some of that cheese off his act and just sing for god's sake. Steve commented tonight that he must've taken lessons from queer ass Constantine.
~ Paris, hon, don't ever sing Beyonce again. Randy may have liked it (and Paula, but she likes everything), but the rest of us don't want to see your 17-year-old ass dry humping the air. Thanks.
~ Kelly Pickler, I pick someone else. You seem very sweet, but you're dumber than a Lego and you're singing seems to be getting worse.
~ Lisa dear, you seem nice too, but WHY would you pick a song that was sung by the most successful American Idol winner to date, and one that is at the top of the charts as we speak? Can we all say stupid?
~ Chris, I adore you. Love you. You and Taylor are tied as my favorites. But dude, if I have to hear you perform one more song where you scream while strobe lights flash and give me a headache, Taylor may pull ahead. I LOVE your voice, but PLEASE sing something a little different next week. Please.
~ Elliot, I like you. I really do. I like you're voice too. But your underbite bothers me and I can't watch you speak or sing without laughing. I'm sorry. I really, really am.
~ Bucky, I know other people don't like you so much, but I find you endearing. I thought you did a good job tonight. There's no way in hell you'll win it all, but I enjoy watching you while you're around. (And please tell me Bucky isn't you're real name.)
~ Katharine, First of all, I hate the way your parents spelled your name, but that's neither here nor there. Overall, I really like you. I wasn't "feeling the love" quite as much as the rest of the judges tonight, but you done good, girl. Rock on.
~ Mandesa, I normally really like you. And I liked you tonight too. But you didn't "wow" me. I hope you get your mojo back for next week.
So now let's talk about The Amazing Race... WARNING: Spoiler ahead!!!
~ Lake, you seemed to be much nicer to your wife this week. I like it. Keep it up. (And I should add that he doesn't bother me nearly as much as he seems to bother other people.)
~ Frat Boys, you rule. Yes, you're hornier than anyone I've ever met in my life, but you're damn funny and you're having fun. (Do you think they realized that now EVERY woman in the nation realizes what players they are? LOL!)
~ Old Lady and Old Man (I always forget your names), you were kind of rude this week. You're little "episode" in the airport screaming at Lake to "just back off" was a little uncalled for, don't ya think? I no longer like you two. I never really did actually, but you just sealed the deal, ya old hag.
~ Ray & Chick (I always forget her name too), I have no strong feelings one way or the other for you. I don't hate you, but I don't love you either. So um, I dunno what to say to you. Good luck?
~ Lori & Dave, I normally like you guys. But you seem to be cracking a bit under the pressure and it's making you appear whiney. Please stop that. (And Dave, don't cry at the pit stops. It makes you look wussy.)
~ MOJO, again, I have no feelings for you either way. Joe, you're cute. Monica, you're pretty. Rock on with your bad selves, but you won't win, so you should probably just give up. (And if next week's preview are any indication, you may have lost your mojo.
~ Dani & Whatever the Fuck Your Friend's Name Is (Daphne? Danielle? Ditz?), I hated you two. You annoyed me to no end. Let me clue you in that once you're past the ages of like 7, dressing alike isn't cute anymore. It's gay. And creepy. And really, really lame. You're obviously both extremely intelligent (insert dripping sarcasm here), but I'm glad I no longer have to look at or listen to you. Goodbye and goodnight.
~ Hippies, you rule. If you don't win, I will cry. Your "Bowling Toms" T-shirts tonight made me laugh hysterically. I love you both. Please win. PLEASE!
Monday, March 27, 2006
~ Watched the psychotic red squirrel that lives in our backyard (whom Steve and I have affectionately dubbed "Little Fucker") chew the green fuzz off of our tennis ball and then pick it up and run away with it. The fucker stole our tennis ball!
~ Gushed over a picture that Hannah had just drawn and handed me, saying, "Yay! You made a letter 'H' again, just like your name!" (She does it quite often.) She looked at me and said, "That's not an H. That's a kid." Oh, um... sorry.
~ Wanted to hurl when Hannah asked for (and then ate) green beans for breakfast at 9:00 this morning. Ick.
~ Took the girls down the street to the gas station for milk, Slurpees, and cigarettes (for me, not them). We were greeted by the employees and managers that know me and was flattered when they heaped a buttload of Swedish fish and Laffy Taffy on the girls, free of charge.
~ Spent 6 hours (literally) outside today, since it was finally sunny.
~ Became dizzy standing the middle of the patio and spinning around, and around, and around as I (again) watched Hannah ride her bike around in a large circle.
~ Wasn't a bit surprised when Hannah grasped the concept of steering better and started purposely riding as fast as possible towards the bungalow and then veering at the last second to avoid slamming into the side of the house, all while laughing manaically.
~ Sat outside with the girls and painted with glitter paint, causing me to end up looking like a rejected Solid Gold dancer. Fucking glitter...
~ Was a bit disturbed when I stumbled upon the "Unofficial Webiste of the Solid Girl Dancers". Uh huh. Get a life people... a life.
~ Bit my tongue as Steve fed the girls venison chip steaks, telling them it was steak, and watching them devour it. (Blech.)
~ Had my oh-so-demure 4-year-old give me a full-fledged punch to the gut when she got pissed at me this afternoon. After straigtening up (from doubling over), and catching my breath (from the wind knocked out of me), I sent her into the house and then thought... "Damn, that girl's got an arm!" (Seriously, I was impressed.) When I finally let her come back outside, I told her the story of how Houdini died and how you can never punch someone. (Because I'm sure it will make a lasting impression on a 4-year-old. [rolling eyes at myself])
~ While questioning me about mine and Steve's ages, and upon finding out that I'm older, Grace said, "Well then I love Daddy best because he's not so old."
~ While recalling the incident a few months ago when Steve saved our flaming steaks from the grill, Grace said, "Yup. My Daddy's a real live hero. He's no loser, that's for sure." I beg to differ, little one. ;)
Sunday, March 26, 2006
I was really hoping for something more interesting, like Susie Bitchboss or something.
|Your Pimp Name Is...|
|You Were a Raccoon|
You are a master of disguise and multiple personas.
You are infinitely curious and question others without fear.
|You Should Be a Joke Writer|
You're totally hilarious, and you can find the humor in any situation.
Whether you're spouting off zingers, comebacks, or jokes about life...
You usually can keep a crowd laughing, and you have plenty of material.
You have the makings of a great comedian - or comedic writer.
|You Are Corona|
You don't drink for the love of beer. You drink to get drunk.
You prefer a very light, very smooth beer. A beer that's hardly a beer at all.
And while you may not like the taste of beer, you like the feeling of being drunk.
You drink early and often. Sometimes with friends. Sometimes alone. All the party needs is you!
~ Figured out Grace's new obsession with hairy butts. She um, didn't mean butt in the sense that I (or the rest of the world) thought. See, she has always called her privates her hiney. She started calling the front and back of herself her hiney when she was just little, and I just never pushed it or told her otherwise. (Yes, I guess some people would say I suck.) But anyway, I figured out today, after another "event" that she wants to know why big people have hairy butts in the um, front. LOL! Nice.
~ Had "relations" first thing this morning since the girls had slept at my parents' house last night. That in and of itself isn't newsworthy in a blogging sense, but... I DIDN'T LAUGH!!!! Yay me! (We won't mention how it was 5 AM and I was in a dead sleep immediately before and immediately following the event, which probably had a lot to do with my lack of laughter.)
~ Hannah, out of the blue, learned how to ride a bike today. *sniff* She's been sitting on it forever, but never grasped the whole pedaling concept. But today, something must have clicked and she just took off. She is soooo proud of herself. Of course, she hasn't completely grasped the whole steering concept and keeps the wheel turned permanently right, causing her to go in a big circle, but that's probably better for me anyway. LOL! By the time we came back inside, she was like a little freakin' speed demon.
~ Took the girls to Wal*Mart, armed with Steve's credit card and driver's license, and a list (from Steve) of a billion things he wanted me to get. Got up the checkout, got rung up, ran Steve's card through the machine, and had the cashier ask to see the card. FUCK! Was told they couldn't let me use Steve's card, even with his driver's license, and they had to cancel the order, re-ring everything up (that I had to take back out of the bags, much to the chagrin of the people behind me), and then use my debit card. This means I now have to deposit money in my account first thing tomorrow morning (or be overdrawn), AND that Steve can kiss my ass and go get his own damn shit from now on.
~ During the Wal*Mart Trip From Hell, we picked up a baseball mitt, a new bat, and a helmet for Grace since she'll be starting T-ball right after Easter. Came home, where Steve pitched to her and she was knocking them out of the freakin' park (figuratively speaking, of course). Seriously, the kid has a kick ass swing, and repeatedly nailed them over Steve's head.
And let's just end with a goofy picture of Grace. Because she rocks and she makes me laugh.
She pinched my lips together, starting singing back and sang, "My little shut your mouth... You don't sing so good Mom."
Thanks kid. You really know how to boost my self-esteem...
Saturday, March 25, 2006
GRACE: "Mom, how come when people get bigger they have hairy butts?"---------------------------------------------
ME (laughing): "Who has hairy butts?"
GRACE: "Big people."
ME: "Like who?"
GRACE: "Like you."
ME: "I do not. Boys have hairy butts. Not girls."
GRACE: "Oh. OK."
HANNAH: "Put your coat on, Grace."
GRACE: "No! You're not the boss of me!"
HANNAH: "Put your COAT on, Grace!"
GRACE: "NO! You're not the boss of me! I'm the big sister! That means I'm the boss of you!"
HANNAH: "No you're NOT! Mommy's the boss!"
GRACE: "Noooo... I'm the boss of you, and Mommy's the boss of both of us. Now leave me alone."
Friday, March 24, 2006
- Grace has had an hour-long tantrum that involved throwing things around in her bedroom, screaming, crying, and yelling that she doesn't want to go to gymnastics tonight anyway, so she doesn't care.
- Hannah peed in her pants (and all over the recliner).
- They both spent an hour playing the stupid kid-size organ that my jackass of a husband brought up from the basement last night. (Have I mentioned the thing has NO volume control and is permanently set to Louder Then Hell?)
- Grace decided she wanted to shower with me, which means standing in the back, freezing my ass off and trying to soap up while she stands under the steady stream of steamy water.
- Salinger flicked his head while I was giving him his meds and got really sticky liquid laxative all over me and my clothing I had just put on.
- I have walked outside for 2 cigarettes and both times, Hannah has come to the window wanting something after I took a whopping 2 drags.
Is it bedtime yet? Or too early to crack a beer? LOL!
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Thirteen Things I'm Looking Forward To At Some Point
1. Getting a Job. Sort of. I don't want to see my children less. But at the same time, I really miss my cash flow. Not even for "luxuries" or material things. Just to pay my own bills. I really don't do well depending on someone else for money.
2. My Coffee Tomorrow Morning. I'm drinking Miller Lite right now, and that is all good. Don't get me wrong. But there is nothing like that first sip of coffee in the morning. Ahhhh....
3. Our Annual Pig Roast. I am so freakin' pumped for it this year, for so many reasons. August can't get here fast enough, as far as I'm concerned. There may be a live band and "parting gifts" this year. Sweet.
4. The Day Brittney Spears Gets Fat. Seriously. How freakin' sweet will that be?
5. The Day I Grow Big Enough Balls to Tell Someone I Hate to Fuck Off. I'm not even thinking of anyone in particular when I say this. I just would really like to tell someone to "fuck off" and mean it. Ah, the satisfaction that must bring...
6. The Moment Tom Cruise Finally Comes Out of the Closet. Seriously dude. We all know it. Cut the bullshit and be gay for the love of god. Gay pride, my friend. Gay pride.
7. My Brother & Sister-In-Law Having a Baby. But not for the reasons you think (although I will certainly love any future nieces/nephews). But because I would really like to clear our basement of all baby toys/paraphernalia/crap, but since we aren't 100% sure we're done having kids, I don't want to give it to anyone other than family, since I may need it back. So c'mon Kyle and Melissa, get on it, will ya? (Pun intended.)
8. The Year Where Steve & I Finally Stop Having So Many Things to Do That We Get to Just Hang Out and Enjoy Each Other. I don't see it happening anytime soon. Maybe when we're like 80 and can't move, therefore making it impossible to really "do" anything.
9. The Day I Don't Laugh During Daytime Sex. Seriously. It happened again today. And now that we joke about it here, I can't not make it happen, because I'm thinking about it every freakin' time now and then I either laugh hysterically or snicker and hope Steve doesn't open his eyes and see me. I have some serious issues, my friends. (I actually said to Steve today that I'm a "night time fucker". Oh... my... god.)
10. Technology That Will Allow Me to Blow People Up By Just Thinking About It. (This is a fair warning to all slow, dumb people.)
11. That Moment I Can Look Around My House and Realize That I Will Never, EVER Have to Clean Up a Pet's Shit Again. Words cannot describe the bliss I will feel. Pets, be gone!
12. Sleeping in a Bed With Steve Again. Sort of.
13. Screwing Ty Pennington. :)
So anyway, this morning I stumbled upon this guy. Good ol' Kelly Bates. Now this posting raises two questions in my mind...
1. How the hell did he land the first chick with hair like that, a name like Kelly, and the willingness to pose for a picture holding a little white puppy. (Can we say queer?)
2. How in the name of god, did he find another chick willing to be with him, and therefore allowing him to cheat?
Seriously. What's this world coming to?
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
- What is your name? Allison
- What is your quest? To raise my kids to support me when I'm old and an invalid. ;)
- What did you want to be when you grew up? A teacher and a mom
- In your mind, have you grown up yet? (If not, how long do you think until you will be the "grown up" as you defined it when you were a kid?) Hell no! I don't think I ever will.
- Why do you like or dislike peanut butter & jelly sandwiches? I HATE PB&J sandwiches. Ewwww... Give me my fluffernutters.
- Who would you be (someone you know) if you could be anyone else for one day? Grace, so I could appreciate being 4.
- Who would you be (someone you don't know) if you could be anyone else for one day? Whatever chick is currently being screwed by Ty Pennington.
- What time will you go to sleep tonight? Midnight or so. Maybe later.
- Will you sleep all the way through until morning? If not, why? Yup.
- Where will home be for you in 5 years? In my current house.
- What color do you associate with funny things? Yellow
- What color do you associate with sad things? Gray
- If Jesus were meeting you for dinner tomorrow what would the two of you talk about? I'm going to plead the fifth on this one so as not to offend anyone. :)
- What was the name of your favorite stuffed animal growing up? Jeveli
- Name a sound that brings a smile to your face. Grace and Hannah's belly laughs.
- What is your favorite picture? Describe it. I have two. One is a closeup black and white picture of Grace that is simply stunning. The other is of Hannah standing on my FIL's deck in a pretty yellow dress.
- What grade in school did you like the most? My senior year.
- What grade in school did you dislike the most? None. I loved school.
- What thing in life do you least understand? Religion
- What thing in life do you most understand? The unwavering love you can have for your child.
- What myth did you most believe in as a child? Santa
- If you could make amends with any one person, who would it be? No one. If I dislike/am angry at someone, it's for a reason. Why make amends?
- Out of all your high school friends, who do you miss the most? None. I still keep in touch with all of my favorite friends.
- What are you most afraid of about dying? Leaving the girls.
- What was the name of your first grade teacher? Ms. Pecca
- What was the name of your second grade teacher? Mrs. Lewis
- If you had millions of dollars to spend, but weren't allowed to spend it on yourself, how would you spend it? I would give a bunch of it to Steve, would set up college funds for the girls, and would spread the rest of it among family members.
- Would you ever sacrifice happiness for wealth? Nah.
- When was the last time you were surprised? When the girls gave me roses for Mother's Day.
- If you had the courage to do one thing, what would it be? Fly (to go visit my friends)
- If you had to give up one thing for a month, what would it be? Smoking
- What would you give up for an entire year? Sex? LOL!
- If you are female, would you ever consider being a surrogate mother? If so, for whom? No. No one's ever asked. LOL!
- If you are male, would you ever consider letting your wife be a surrogate mother? Why or why not? N/A
- If you had to give up one of your senses for a day, which one would it be? Smell
- What makes you laugh? Grace and Hannah's one-liners. They kill me.
- If you had the opportunity, money, time, etc., would you go to college to either start your education, finish it, further it, or not go at all? I wouldn't go. I'd rather take cool classes like cooking or scrapbooking or something.
- What is the most important thing you own? My pictures of the girls.
- What is the most important thing you have? My family (immediate and extended)
- How important is it to you that you have minimal debt or even being debt-free? It's important. It isn't happening mind you, but it would be nice.
- If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be? I have nice, straight, white teeth.
- Are you a cat person or a dog person? Neither. But since I have cats, I guess I should say cats, huh?
- Do you believe life exists outside this planet and/or universe? Sure.
- What makes a restaurant good? Great hot wings and Miller Lite on tap.
- What scares you? Drowning
- When was the last time you had the giggles? Two nights ago when I was making fun of Steve lifting weights.
- What was one of your most embarrassing moments? When I was a kid and got locked in the bathroom on a bus going to a Phillies game. The whole bus was yelling "Get her out! There's a bomb!" and then they all cheered when I finally came out. Ugh.
- Pair up a Hollywood couple: No. Because I don't care. LOL!
- Have you ever ignored someone on purpose? Pretty much every day of my life in some way or another.
- Who was the last person you lied to? Steve
Sent the girls to daycare and decided that today was Backsplash Sealing Day. So I started to apply the sealer to the entire wall, using a 1/2-inch paintbrush. No lie. The novelty wore off after the first hour.
Sat down at the computer and found out my poor friend had been told her 9-month-old baby might have Leukemia, and they were at the hospital for tests. Words could not describe my heartache, and I wished the girls were at home with me so I could hug them extra tight.
After sealant coat #2, decided it should be Window Painting Day too. What the hell, right? It sucked. It sucked big time.The window is above the sink. It's also above where the one seam in our granite countertop is (which Steve was sure I would break if I sat or stood on it. Thanks dude.) So I contorted my body in ways I didn't know was possible, painted upside down, and finally just sat on the damn granite window sill and figured if it broke, it broke.
Had WAY too many brush marks on the one side of it and decided to try to "fix it".
Made it worse.
Tried to fix the new mess.
Managed to get it looking fairly decent. Whew. Being married to an anal retentive freak causes much stress in one's life, lemme tell ya.
Watched the garbage men dump our five cans into the garbage truck and then saw one of them write something on a clipboard. Fuck. They weren't kidding in that letter a few weeks ago that said the new can limit is 3 and everything over that will be charged. Damn bastard garbage police. (I actually have no idea what he was writing, but I'm betting we'll be getting a bill in the mail soon.)
Found out my friends little boy does NOT have cancer. Thank. God. (Or whatever other higher being(s) are out there.)
Decided I hate slow moving people even more than dumb people. I mean, dumb people probably don't know they're dumb, because, well... they're too dumb to know. But don't slow people know they're driving/walking/working slow? Unless they're dumb and slow. Then they're too dumb to know they're slow. God bless slow dumb people, but I would really like to kick your asses.
Monday, March 20, 2006
I just don't get the whole dog thing. I truly don't. And before you all start giving me the "You don't know what it's like..." crap, let me just say that I had dogs growing up. Pretty much as long as I can remember. I never really got very attached to them. [shrug] Perhaps I'm missing some sort of Animal Lover gene. I don't know. I know most people think I suck because of it, but frankly, I don't care. I don't care if other people own dogs. I really don't (as long as I never have to have contact with them...)
Anyway... this leads me to today's discussion. Let's talk about my toilet paper. That's right folks. You read that right... I said toilet paper. There are fucking puppies on my toilet paper. [sigh]
Grace saw in a sale circular (or some similar publication), an ad and coupon for the new toilet paper made by Cottonelle. Anyway, the TP is supposed to help kids learn to wipe. Each toilet paper square is printed with puppy paw prints, and every fifth square is printed with a picture of a puppy. Its claim to fame is helping kids learn how much toilet paper to use to wipe their butts when they're done going to bathroom. Not too little. Not too much.
Sounds great in theory, right? I thought so too. My children (lately) have decided that any wiping at all is optional, so in an attempt to get them cleaning up after themselves again, I grabbed a pack of four rolls. Oh my god...
I will say that I love it for the girls. They get a kick out of unrolling it until they find the puppy and then tearing it off and wiping well before flushing the poor little puppy away. But see, this all sucks major ass for me (no pun intended).
I've never paid attention before to how many toilet paper squares I use in one "sitting". I mean, why would I (unless I had some form of OCD). I mean, I highly doubt anyone actually counts their toilet paper squares each time they go. I just take as many as I think I need (depending on the job), and I use it. End of story. (By the way, I've recently discovered that I normally use more than five, just in case you were curious.)
But I can't do that anymore. Because see, my children know how the puppy paper is supposed to be used. Unroll the paw prints to the puppy and tear it off there. How many squares there are doesn't matter to my kids. This means it has to matter to me. Because see, if I casually start ripping this new toilet paper wherever I feel like it, things could get ugly. If I unroll and tear and the very next square is the puppy, I can totally see Grace just taking that one square if she happens to pee right after me. Not good, my friends. Not good at all. So now I have to pay attention to my toilet paper squares, making sure to always tear at the puppy, or risk giving my children sore asses due to improper wiping techniques. And it would be all my fault.
So basically, I'm now wiping my ass with pictures of fucking puppies and their paw prints. I have to think when I shit. What the hell has become of my life? Help... me...
Tomorrow's entry: We'll discuss how my children have also found it necessary to come into the bathroom with me everytime I go now, to "teach" me how to use the puppy paper.... "Here Mommy, you unroll it to the puppy!... Never mind! I'll get it for you!... Here Mommy! Here's your puppy!..."
Sunday, March 19, 2006
The girls had slept over at my mom's house last night, so it was nice sleeping in until 8:00 (when my MIL called, waking us up).
And then I had to pick the girls up (where my mom informed me they had both been up half the night and were exceptionally tired). [sigh] The two of them have been a little... um... "moody" lately to begin with, so the thought of throwing exhaustion into the mix really didn't sound like much fun.
My MIL came over with McDonald's Happy Meals for the girls at lunchtime (a good thing) and said she'd stay and babysit them (also a good thing), while Steve grouted the backsplash (good) and I went grocery shopping (bad).
I hate grocery shopping. Truly hate it. Some moms say they enjoy it when they can get away from the kids and be by themselves for a bit. I would rather stay home and deal with the hellions while Steve went and bought us food. And what really sucks since I got laid off last year is that now I have to depend on Steve for the grocery money. That doesn't sound so bad, does it? It is. See, Steve doesn't have an ATM card. And my name isn't on any of his credit cards (and ever since the time I tried to check out with a FULL shopping cart of food and they wouldn't let me use his card, I refuse to even try to use his credit card anywhere). That means I have to use cash. Which means that every shopping trip involves a set amount of money I can spend, which means I have to write down prices and add things up n my head as I go to avoid another embarrassing moment at checkout.
So I had to go four towns away today because it's the only grocery store that has a bank right in the store that is open on a Sunday and would allow me to cash a check (from Steve) so I'd have cash to buy food. So now not only am I doing the one thing I hate most, but I'm doing it in a grocery store where I don't know the aisle layout and with a price limit. Fuck.
So anyway, I live through that excruciating trip (and I won't even get into how I was in math hell, and how I got out of line to put stuff back because I was afraid I was over my limit and it's good I did because I was only $8.00 below what total cash I had...) and head home.
I made some comments when I walked in about the price of groceries, how I tried to bring home the $50.00 in cash Steve wanted from the cashed check, but how it was impossible because we needed everything, etc., but never mentioning he was really only getting $8.00. And god bless my MIL, as she was walking out the door, she secretly slipped me $20.00 and whispered, "Put this towards the change from the groceries and don't tell Steve I gave it to you." I.... love... her.
So that was nice, but it all went downhill from there. The girls behaved horrendously after Hannah woke up from her nap, I totally lost it on them (just yelling, no spanking), they woudln't stop crying all night, I spent 90 minutes cleaning off tiles with a friggin' toothbrush to make sure we got all the grout out of the grooves, I had picked up (unknowingly) a bad package of haddock at the store, Salinger got shit all over the bedroom (I cleaned that up before Steve knew about it, thank god), and Grace decided at 8:15 (after brushing her teeth), that she did indeed want the dippy eggs she had turned down 2 hours before and since she hadn't eaten dinner, I stood there cooking them for her, the house smelled like fish all night (I HATE the smell of fish), and "Desperate Housewives" was a rerun.
This may possibly be the first time ever that I'm looking forward to Monday. For the love of...
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Now that it's done, we're seriously considering buying more tiles and tiling above the cabinets where the baskets are. But that's still up in the air.
I wish you guys could see the actual tiles in person because these pictures don't do them justice. They are absolutely gorgeous in person. There are reds, and coppers, and silvers, and greens, and all sorts of other colors in them. And unfortunately, what the pictures don't pick up is the shine to them. They're slate (copper slate to be exact), but some of them truly look like metal because they have an irridescence/shine to them that makes them look like copper/pewter/etc.
I told Steve tonight that if I could tile an entire room using them, I would. LOL! I'll post more pictures tomorrow night if the grouting is done.
Anyway, here's my boring update. (Boring for you, a day of pure excitement for me.)
Our brand spanking new refrigerator was delivered. I'm in love. It beeps, chirps, makes ice, dispenses water, and has enough room to fit our old refrigerator inside of it. We didn't put food in it yet, but it's nice to just see it sitting there, ready to go when we get the chance to do the Great Food Transfer.
Steve started on the backsplash last night. Oh my god. It's gorgeous. I love, love, LOVE the slate tiles we chose. I can't wait to see it all finished.
So those were the highlights of the day, interspersed with the wrath of a 2-year-old, an overtired, whining 4-year-old, a gymnastics class, and a salad (minus the potato chips). Thrilling stuff, lemme tell ya. ;)
Friday, March 17, 2006
Thursday, March 16, 2006
* Went apeshit in my kitchen and cleaned every surface in there. (Thank you Magic Eraser, Windex Vinegar, and good ol' fashioned soap and water.)
* So I was craving a salad, but only had two of my usual salad ingredients (lettuce and cheese). So in a total act of desperation, I crumbled potato chips onto my salad in place of croutons. I am well aware of how disgusting that is, but I have to admit, it really wasn't that bad. (AND I managed to make a normally healthy food unhealthy, which is always a goal of mine.)
* Washed the quilt on our bed (but only because a cat had hacked up a hairball on it and I didn't want Steve to know.)
* Received an email from a friend that made me smile. :)
* Was shocked and appalled to find that Honda, the cable company, the electric company, and Verizon all expect me to pay them. And on time no less. What the fuck is that all about? Bastards.
*Watched the premier of "American Inventor" and loved it. Shit. I so didn't need another TV show addiction. [sigh]
* Had to snap into psyeudo "Mom Mode" and act thrilled beyond words (like I do with my 2-year-old) when Steve walked into the house to show me his new "cool hawk's skull" he found in the woods. Seriously dude, put the fucking dead animals away and snap yourself back into the real (adult) world, will ya? For the love of...
Thirteen Products I Couldn't Live Without
1. Pledge All Surface Cleaner Spray... LOVE the stuff. One bottle. Multi-purposes. Ahhh...
2. Mr. Clean Magic Erasers... I swear to god, every time I use one, I ponder it's chemical makeup and wonder how the hell it cleans like that. Freaky shit, I tell ya.
3. Murphy's Oil Soap Spray... I love spray bottles. Smells delicious.
4. Tide with Febreeze... Unscented laundry is just pointless in my opinion.
5. Downy Drier Sheets with Febreeze... Buy the same scent as the Febreeze in the Tide and you have a virtual scent orgasm.
6. Clorox Bleach Pens... So much power in such a little package.
7. Shout Stain Stick... I have children. Enough said.
8. Carpet Fresh... No sense vacuuming if the room doesn't smell clean.
9. Intuition Razor... Soap and a razor all in one. God bless the inventor.
10. Listerine... Minty freshness.
11. Tampax Tampons... I've tried all the others. They all suck.
12. Huggies Natural Care Baby Wipes... I swear I will still be buying these things when my kids are gone at college. Their cleaning abilities are unparallelled.
13. Lysol... Germs be gone.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
* Sent both girls off to daycare and immediately headed over to my sister's house to help her get ready for a job interview. (With her broken leg, she can't walk AT ALL and needed some help with stuff.)
* Took her to her interview.
* While waiting for her while she was being interviewed, I finally started the book that's been in my sidebar for 2 months.
* The not knowing was driving me insane, so I emailed the HR girl at the company I interviewed with last week with a total lie that I received another job offer today, but that I'd rather work for their company and could they please just tell me if they had filled the position yet or not. (God I suck.)
* Received an email back saying they're still interviewing and that they're making their final decision in the next week. Fingers still crossed...
* Realized that if I do get the job, I will forever have to maintain the lie about "my other job offer."
* Talked to the stupidest woman in the world today when I had to call Steve's concrete supplier with a question about his latest statement. She said (and I quote), "Well, the computer's showing that Steve has an overdue balance of $2897.76, but we don't know how the computer does its calculations and I can't tell you where that balance comes from or what it's for.
* Decided that the woman who didn't know to dial a "1" before my phone number is probably actually the stupidest woman in the world, but the woman mentioned above is a close second.
* Was bummed to see that ALL shows tonight (other than American Idol) are reruns that I've already seen. Dammit.
* Laughed out loud during afternoon "relations" again. Seriously... daytime sex and I just aren't jiving. ((((Steve))))
* Wondered where the hell good ol' GB has been. You out there, dude?
* Was thrilled when Steve suggested getting takeout for dinner.
* Phone conversation between me and the restaurant dude that answered the phone to take our order:
The bottom line? (((((Scott)))))
Me: "Hey Scott, it's Allison. I'd like to place an order." (I know the guy.)
Scott: "Hey Allison! Go ahead."
Me: "OK. I want two crocks of french onion soup. And a flounder filet sandwich."
Scott (interrupting): "The flounder sandwich is only a lunch special now. We replaced it with the chicken cheesesteak."
Me (to Steve): "Hey Steve! They don't have the flounder sandwich anymore."
Scott (laughing): "Uh oh. There's turmoil in the house now..."
Me: "Dude, you have NO idea."
Me: "OK. While he thinks, I can tell you that I'd like the buffalo chicken sandwich."
Steve (in background): "Get me that too."
Me: "Scott, make that two of the buffalo chicken sandwiches. One medium with no lettuce, tomatoes, or onions, and one hot with lettuce and onions but no tomatoes."
Steve: "And cancel my french onion soup now."
Me: "Scott, cancel one french onion soup. My husband's an ass."
Scott (laughing): "Ok."
Steve: "And get me a half rack of ribs."
Me: "And give me a half rack of ribs instead, Scott."
Scott (laughing): "Are you serious?"
Me: "Yes. My husband's an ass."
Scott: "Baked potato, fries, rice or pasta with that?"
Me: "Baked potato."
Scott: "Sour cream and butter?"
Scott: "Dressing for the salad?"
Me: "And can I have an order of fries instead of chips with my sandwich?"
Me: "And could I get cheese on them?"
Scott (laughing): "You're really pushing it now."
Me: "I'm sorry my husband's an ass."
Scott: "Twenty minutes."
* While at WalMart, bumped into the wife and son of the guy that committed suicide. Yeah, that's not an awkward moment at all. [sigh]
* Was surprised as hell (and yet somewhat happy) about the guy that was in the bottom three tonight on American Idol. (Don't want to ruin it for those that haven't watched it yet.)
* Was really pissed that a certain little dorky redhead was NOT in the bottom three tonight.
* Watched that new show, "The Loop," and laughed my damn ass off. Any show that uses terms like "ass-faced jack knocker" and "... that retarded squirrel look that you nailed like a two-dollar whore," is a show I'll be watching for a loooong time.
* Just realized that the last thing I said to Steve before he went up to bed tonight was to call him a fucker (in a totally affectionate way, of course). If he dies in his sleep tonight, I think I might feel bad. LOL!
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Say wha'? I kind of half chuckle and ask her what she's doing (because I didn't want to assume) and she says, "I'm being a boy," and then again thrusts out her pelvis in our faces, deepens her voice, and says, "Hello, ladies."
Oh... my... God. I couldn't stop laughing. Tears were running down my face. I was gasping for air. Must... breathe...
So anyway, I managed to get myself under control and I've come to a conclusion. My child will either grow up to be a hysterically funny, unbelievably successful woman who won't take anyone's shit....
She'll be sentenced to life in a maximum security prison. Only time will tell I suppose...
Monday, March 13, 2006
I love days like today. Mostly because I successfully wore both girls out enough to have them sleeping by 8:00 PM (it's usually around 9:00), so I'm in my glory right now.
Spring rules. It was chilly this morning (when these pictures were taken), but then the sun came out, it was in the 70's, and we were outside in short sleeves. Ahhhh....
So in this picture, you see the current cover. It's just a plastic paint can lid with some holes drilled in it. It is serving its purpose well.
Now, do you see that large concrete step in the right of the picture? That used to be in front of the vent. No big deal at all. Except Steve had bought a cheap, plastic $6.00 actual vent cover to put at the end of the pipe. And it wouldn't fit because that step was in the way.
This, my friends, is what the side of my house now looks like.
See all that dirt? There used to be grass there. Those dark squares on the ground? Yeah. Those are my sidewalks caked with mud. ALL of this mess for the stupid 6" vent you see in the middle picture to the left of the concrete step.
And I once again ask, do you see why I drink? [shaking head]
Here's the moulding he made for around the doors, windows, and entry ways in the kitchen. And I mean he literally made parts of it. From plain ol' flat pieces of unpainted wood. He rules. We were trying to match the trim around the tops of the cabinets. He did a damn good job if you ask me (which you didn't, but that's never stopped me from sharing my opinion before).
(Please ignore the condition of the playroom in the background. It was a long day of trying to keep the girls out of there while Steve installed it and then I painted it. I swear it doesn't normally look that bad.)
(In this picture, please ignore the lightbulbs and wires. Obviously there will be lights there once we pick some. LOL! And the door will either be replaced or painted. That prison gray just isn't cutting it anymore. LOL!)
So the next day I never got a call from her, but I had actually forgotten about it anyway, until around 5:00 when I received an email from her. She said she had been trying to reach me all day, but couldn't get through. She said (and I quote), "I keep getting a message that says 'You must dial a "1" before the number."
Are you kidding me? First of all, don't you always have to dial "1" before a number? I mean, isn't that a given? I assure you, I am not a special person with a special phone number format. Did I really need to include the "1" when I gave her my phone number?
And second of all, if you continually receive that message, wouldn't you um, try dialing my number using a "1" before it? For the love of god...
So now I refuse to respond back to her. I will not be a part of stupid people's lives. I just can't encourage people like that.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
I took both girls grocery shopping in the pouring down rain today because Steve was being pouty about no food. Whatever. I was surprised at how well they were both behaved. However, I went there in glasses, no makeup, a headband, athletic pants, and one of Steve's sweatshirts and I ended up running into not one, but TWO girls I graduated from high school with. Fuck.