Monday, March 20, 2006

Frickin' Puppies...

OK. So anyone who knows me even remotely, knows I'm not a huge fan of dogs. I like them in theory. And I don't wish them any harm. Pictures of puppies are really cute. I'm all for pictures of puppies. But when one of the damn four-legged critters comes bounding up to me and starts sniffing my crotch and licking my face with the tongues they used to also lick their asses, all love is lost.

I just don't get the whole dog thing. I truly don't. And before you all start giving me the "You don't know what it's like..." crap, let me just say that I had dogs growing up. Pretty much as long as I can remember. I never really got very attached to them. [shrug] Perhaps I'm missing some sort of Animal Lover gene. I don't know. I know most people think I suck because of it, but frankly, I don't care. I don't care if other people own dogs. I really don't (as long as I never have to have contact with them...)

Anyway... this leads me to today's discussion. Let's talk about my toilet paper. That's right folks. You read that right... I said toilet paper. There are fucking puppies on my toilet paper. [sigh]

Grace saw in a sale circular (or some similar publication), an ad and coupon for the
new toilet paper made by Cottonelle. Anyway, the TP is supposed to help kids learn to wipe. Each toilet paper square is printed with puppy paw prints, and every fifth square is printed with a picture of a puppy. Its claim to fame is helping kids learn how much toilet paper to use to wipe their butts when they're done going to bathroom. Not too little. Not too much.

Sounds great in theory, right? I thought so too. My children (lately) have decided that any wiping at all is optional, so in an attempt to get them cleaning up after themselves again, I grabbed a pack of four rolls. Oh my god...

I will say that I love it for the girls. They get a kick out of unrolling it until they find the puppy and then tearing it off and wiping well before flushing the poor little puppy away. But see, this all sucks major ass for me (no pun intended).

I've never paid attention before to how many toilet paper squares I use in one "sitting". I mean, why would I (unless I had some form of OCD). I mean, I highly doubt anyone actually counts their toilet paper squares each time they go. I just take as many as I think I need (depending on the job), and I use it. End of story. (By the way, I've recently discovered that I normally use more than five, just in case you were curious.)

But I can't do that anymore. Because see, my children know how the puppy paper is supposed to be used. Unroll the paw prints to the puppy and tear it off there. How many squares there are doesn't matter to my kids. This means it has to matter to me. Because see, if I casually start ripping this new toilet paper wherever I feel like it, things could get ugly. If I unroll and tear and the very next square is the puppy, I can totally see Grace just taking that one square if she happens to pee right after me. Not good, my friends. Not good at all. So now I have to pay attention to my toilet paper squares, making sure to always tear at the puppy, or risk giving my children sore asses due to improper wiping techniques. And it would be all my fault.

So basically, I'm now wiping my ass with pictures of fucking puppies and their paw prints. I have to think when I shit. What the hell has become of my life? Help... me...

Tomorrow's entry: We'll discuss how my children have also found it necessary to come into the bathroom with me everytime I go now, to "teach" me how to use the puppy paper.... "Here Mommy, you unroll it to the puppy!... Never mind! I'll get it for you!... Here Mommy! Here's your puppy!..."

18 comments:

Amber said...

Again, hahahahaha!

I was going to say you should just have your own roll that you keep under the sink so you can use to hearts deee-lite, but then you added the last bit about how you are now hostess to a bathroom social...so I can't help you.

Mary said...

did you watch prison break Alien? I had forgotten so much stuff since it had been what, 3 or 4 months since the last episode. Stupid.

Alien said...

No Mary, I didn't. We taped it since that hour is usually the whole bedtime routine thing for the girls. I don't know when I'll watch it. Maybe tonight?

Kim: The Mom, The Myth said...

Dude, I love dogs. LOVE dogs. And that paper is just wrong. In so many ways.

My MIL sent me a coupon for it. The coupon is in the trash. We're not going there.

Alien said...

LMAO Kim. I like the paper for the girls. I really do. Like I said, they have recently decided that wiping is optional, so this has made them want to wipe. So I'm all for it in that sense.

I just hate that I have to think when I go to the bathroom. I think I need my own roll of non-animal printed paper, huh? LOL!

mama_tulip said...

LMFAO. You are in your own little private hell with that toilet paper, aren't you?

Melissa said...

I was thinking that you would really like wiping your butt with puppies, "Ah ha, take that, puppies of the world!" But, then I got to the part where you had to think while pooping and yeah, that's just too much thinking.

Oh, and I love dogs. I can't imagine ever not having a dog and I don't think you suck.

Tink said...

That has got to be one of the funniest posts I've ever read! And might I add, I wish I'D invented puppy potty training TP. What a genius. You should keep a roll of regular toilet paper stashed beside the bowl for adult use. :)

Chelle Y. said...

You could just also go through two puppies too, but then your girls are in the bathroom with you.

You're funny! I have a friend like you who does not like any animals in her house. It does not mean that she hates animals, just not in her house (and for the same reason you had too).

You don't suck! :o)

Amber said...

Yes Tink! WHY do I never come up with the ideas like this!? $#@@$! It is brilliant!I bet it was a woman, and now she's rich.

Leslie said...

I'm with Melissa... seems to me like karmic payback to get to stick a dog's face in *your* butt for a change.

Sorry about your mind, tho.

Kim said...

*crossing fingers* that Kyra doesn't find out about that toilet paper. She'll definitely want it.

Why couldn't they have pictures of potties on it? Puppies? That's just wrong.

Renfield said...

You know, God fobid you tear off as much as you want to use and then "fix it" so that it is ready for the next person to use. You really are a dork, ya know?? I'm LMAO at what being a SAHM has done to you. Puppy toilet paper, Domestic Goddess Kitchen, 13 cleaning products you can't live without. I'm gonna have to kick your ass if I see you anytime soon =P.

I think for this week's Thursday 13 I will link last week's to this post.

toiny said...

Dear Alien, thank you for the LOL I soooo needed that this morning.

EE said...

LMAO, *I* love dogs, yet *I* don't want to use "doggy" TP!!!!

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