So, I come out of WalMart and get into my car to head home. Now I'm parked between two large (high) pickup trucks. No big deal. But since I drive a little (low) Honda it does mean that I can't really see who's coming down the parking lot aisle until I clear the back of the trucks a bit and can see past them. No biggie. I'm always very aware of this and creep out slowly to get out of my parking space, so that anyone coming down the aisle will see me and have time to stop before ramming into me.
So that's what I'm doing this time. I'm backing out at about 1 mile per hour (if that), alternating between looking left and right behind me to see when I can clear the back of the trucks with my line of vision and actually see whose driving down the aisle. I'm almost at that point when I hear someone LAYING on the horn. WTF? So I slam on the brakes (although at 1 mph, slamming was hardly necessary), turn to look to my right (behind me) and see this OLD dude in an old person car screaming at me.
I give him an apologic smile, mouth sorry, and wave that he should keep driving behind me and then I'll continue backing out. (Keep in mind that I'm only about 2 feet out of my parking spot at this point. I'm not even CLOSE to blocking the lane so that he can't continue around me.)
So I'm thinking he'll just keep driving behind me. But no. The fucker starts waving his finger at me like I'm a 12-year-old, and is still screaming at me. Now, I'm pissed. I wasn't doing anything wrong, I was being extremely cautious about backing up until I had a good line of vision of other people driving in the lot, etc. AND I had just basically apologized and given him the right of way. DON'T wag your fucking finger at me, asshole.
So I start screaming back, "Fuck you, asshole! GO! I couldn't see! I just TOLD you to keep going, FUCKWAD!" and I angrily wave for him to go past me. (Now keep in mind it's like still cold here, so both of us have our car windows closed, meaning we can't actually hear each other and can only see each other's angry faces, hand gestures, and imagine what the other one is yelling. LOL!)
He's STILL wagging his finger at me and yelling (seriously dude... go get laid or something, because you're obviously high-strung and in need of a stress-reliever) and I finally just flip him the double bird, yell, "Fuck OFF, ASSHOLE!" and turn around to face front. I refused to turn around and look at him again until he had driven past me and was halfway down the next aisle. Honest to god, if I had continued to watch him and he had wagged his finger one more time, I would've jumped out of my car and pummeled his ass. And I'm NOT kidding. Fucker.
It was 9 A.M. and I swear to god, I needed a beer. (Don't worry, I didn't actually have one. But I wanted one.)
Showing posts with label Adult Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Adult Humor. Show all posts
Monday, March 12, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Ahem. OK ladies (and gentlemen?)...
Here it is... The Tunnel of Love. Now let's discuss this little device.
http://www.hornsnhalos.net/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=TOLV&Category_Code=
And here's a link to it in case you're all inspired by this post to give it a whirl.
First of all, it's pink. I find this odd. Yes, it's marketed and labeled as a "masturbating device" for men, so I suppose the whole girly color thing is to make the man feel like they're with a woman instead of whacking off with their own hairy hand. I dunno. But c'mon. Do you honestly believe a guy isn't humiliated (and frightened?) enough that he's sliding a rubber tube over his penis. Did you really need to make it pink?
Now let's talk about the fact that the thing comes with absolutely no directions or diagrams. Now when you look at the picture, it looks like it's just a tube, and you're probably wondering how the hell stupid are Allison and Steve that they can't figure out how to put that thing on. But what you can't see is that the hole at one end is a different size than the hole at the other end. So when we opened the package, we were like, "Which hole goes on first?" The small hole looked REALLY small, so we figured the bigger hole must go first, with the smaller hole at the top. It certainly was useable that way I guess. I mean, it didn't cause any sort of weird ER visits or anything, so it was no big deal.
But the next day, Steve had a random "A ha!" moment in the middle of the day and said, "Hey, I think we used that wrong last night. I think the smaller hole is supposed to go on first so it stays in place while it goes up and down." Ohhhh.... good thinking, dude. LOL!
Like I said, Steve said it was OK and definitely felt good. But he wasn't convulsing with crazy ass orgasms either. And I should also add that we didn't really use it for the "deep throat effect" that the description describes. We just did our normal thing. The woman that ran the party had explained that you can keep it on for the duration of sex, and that it would just move up and down as we partied like rock stars. So I don't know if it would really work well for the whole oral sex thing or not. I just don't want y'all out there thinking I'm deep throating my husband every night, because I can assure you that that is not happening. Trust me. LOL!
So I guess Steve gives it a thumb's up. Not like a huge, shouting from the rooftops type thumbs up (yet... once we know we're using it properly, we'll make a final decision). But definitely an enthusiastic, "Hey, my wife brought home a sex toy and I'll use it even if it means putting a pink tube of rubber over my dick, just because sex toys are cool" sort of way, ya know?
So feel free to click that link up there and review one for yourself. Just make sure you also order some lube. Because I can assue you... you NEED the lube for this thing.
http://www.hornsnhalos.net/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=TOLV&Category_Code=
And here's a link to it in case you're all inspired by this post to give it a whirl.
First of all, it's pink. I find this odd. Yes, it's marketed and labeled as a "masturbating device" for men, so I suppose the whole girly color thing is to make the man feel like they're with a woman instead of whacking off with their own hairy hand. I dunno. But c'mon. Do you honestly believe a guy isn't humiliated (and frightened?) enough that he's sliding a rubber tube over his penis. Did you really need to make it pink?
Now let's talk about the fact that the thing comes with absolutely no directions or diagrams. Now when you look at the picture, it looks like it's just a tube, and you're probably wondering how the hell stupid are Allison and Steve that they can't figure out how to put that thing on. But what you can't see is that the hole at one end is a different size than the hole at the other end. So when we opened the package, we were like, "Which hole goes on first?" The small hole looked REALLY small, so we figured the bigger hole must go first, with the smaller hole at the top. It certainly was useable that way I guess. I mean, it didn't cause any sort of weird ER visits or anything, so it was no big deal.
But the next day, Steve had a random "A ha!" moment in the middle of the day and said, "Hey, I think we used that wrong last night. I think the smaller hole is supposed to go on first so it stays in place while it goes up and down." Ohhhh.... good thinking, dude. LOL!
Like I said, Steve said it was OK and definitely felt good. But he wasn't convulsing with crazy ass orgasms either. And I should also add that we didn't really use it for the "deep throat effect" that the description describes. We just did our normal thing. The woman that ran the party had explained that you can keep it on for the duration of sex, and that it would just move up and down as we partied like rock stars. So I don't know if it would really work well for the whole oral sex thing or not. I just don't want y'all out there thinking I'm deep throating my husband every night, because I can assure you that that is not happening. Trust me. LOL!
So I guess Steve gives it a thumb's up. Not like a huge, shouting from the rooftops type thumbs up (yet... once we know we're using it properly, we'll make a final decision). But definitely an enthusiastic, "Hey, my wife brought home a sex toy and I'll use it even if it means putting a pink tube of rubber over my dick, just because sex toys are cool" sort of way, ya know?
So feel free to click that link up there and review one for yourself. Just make sure you also order some lube. Because I can assue you... you NEED the lube for this thing.
Monday, February 12, 2007
The Love Tunnel
So, on Saturday night, I went to a Horns and Halos party at my girlfriend's house. For those of you that aren't familiar with the company, they sell sex toys and lotions. For those of you that have never been to one, I highly suggest you try to get yourself invited to someone's. Even if you aren't "into" the idea of sexual "aids", the parties are a flippin' blast! Seriously. You put a bunch of women in a room, talking about sex, their husbands, and all that other good stuff, and you're bound to have a good time. There's always at least one woman there who makes it her mission to make inappropriate comments throughout the show (that would be me).
So the one the other night involved 22 women. Twenty-two women, some of which were married, some single, some with kids, some without. The jokes were flying. The demonstrator lady started out by passing out little penis shaped pencil toppers that we had to put on top of our pens and use to "sample" the edible creams and lotions that get passed around the room. Apparently, it's considered unsanitary for women to keep licking their fingers and sticking them into various jars, but it's OK to do the same thing with a small piece of rubber in the shape of the male sexual organ. Whatever. I'm game.
So we're passing around the various cremes and lotions. Massage stuff that gets hot when you blow on it... cremes to make the woman's um, opening tighten up and make her have better orgasms and be tighter for the guy... shaving creme that claims it prevents the red bumps on your bikini area when you shave... spray to "absorb" the wet spot after sex (that can also be used as an every day room deordorizer, etc. Some of them tasted downright nasty. I'm sorry, but when Steve and I are doing nasty things, I really don't want to lick him and have him taste like a blue-raspberry Slurpee. Maybe that's just me though...
My personal favorite in that group of products was one called "Dickalicious". Supposedly, it makes the man's penis tingle, it tastes good for the woman, and it will prolong the amount of time before he, uh, "finishes". The woman made a point of saying that you ONLY need a "pin prick" of it, because otherwise, the man's penis might start tingling too much, it could cause discomfort, and it'll be a loooooong time before he's um, satisfied. The jokes started flying and all of us there considered buying a bottle simply to use the next time our men pissed us off and we wanted to torture them for an entire night... "You said what, Hon? Fine. Let's go upstairs. I've got a real treat for you..." Rub it on and walk out of the room. Sweet.
After the lotions and gels were all discussed, it was time to play a game. There's nothing quite as funny as women standing around in a circle trying to pass a big, rubbery, double-ended dildo around using only their knees. I must say, the girl next to me and I kicked ass at the game, but I didn't win, dammit. [sigh] (See photos below.)
After that little ice breaker, it was time to discuss the "toys." I always like to watch the faces of the women who have never been to one of these parties before or who have never actually seen a sex toy in person. It's flipping hilarious and is worth going to these parties just for that. So we're passing around vibrators that move, rotate, bend, flip, have spinning beads, have one end, two ends, three ends, etc.
In the midst of all of this, out comes "The Wallbanger." I seriously almost pissed myself laughing. It's a large, hot pink vibrator with a big black suction cup on the bottom. The woman slammed the suction cup against the wall and then explained that it can be attached to the wall, the top of a coffee table, a window sill, the side of the tub, etc. Oh... my... god. The jokes were flying. Comments about sticking the sucker to the kitchen cabinets and never complaining about cooking dinner again. LOL! Awesome! And here it is... the Wallbanger...
But the most popular item of the night came towards the end of the demonstration. The woman pulls out this pinkish rubber stretchy tube. She says it's called the Love Tunnel and is their top selling item. I'm still thinking, "What the hell is it?" when she explains exactly what it's for...
"To use this, lube up your man's penis and slide this on with his head sticking out the end. Then when you give him oral sex, you'll only have the head of his penis in your mouth, but it will feel like you're deep-throating him." Holy SHIT! Are you kidding me? I swear to god, EVERY single woman there whipped out their pens and marked that down on their order forms. LOL! I chimed in with a whole plan to buy that AND the Dickalicious lotion so I could slather that tingly crap on, slide on the Tunnel of Love and make Steve suffer in pain for hours. (Don't lie... it would be funny and you know it.)
So anyway, I left that evening with a free Silver Bullet and another free vibrator called "The Screamer" on its way. And I'll let you know if the Love Tunnel works. Because I swear to god, if it does, I'm buying one for every single solitary girl I know. Every...single... one...
So I leave you with this doozy of a picture. It totally cracks me up. Is it just me, or do I look like I'm thinking, "Hey ASS, get that damn thing away from me?" LOL! (Sorry these pictures suck. I pulled them off of Shutterfly after the hostess sent a link to the pics from the party.)
So the one the other night involved 22 women. Twenty-two women, some of which were married, some single, some with kids, some without. The jokes were flying. The demonstrator lady started out by passing out little penis shaped pencil toppers that we had to put on top of our pens and use to "sample" the edible creams and lotions that get passed around the room. Apparently, it's considered unsanitary for women to keep licking their fingers and sticking them into various jars, but it's OK to do the same thing with a small piece of rubber in the shape of the male sexual organ. Whatever. I'm game.
So we're passing around the various cremes and lotions. Massage stuff that gets hot when you blow on it... cremes to make the woman's um, opening tighten up and make her have better orgasms and be tighter for the guy... shaving creme that claims it prevents the red bumps on your bikini area when you shave... spray to "absorb" the wet spot after sex (that can also be used as an every day room deordorizer, etc. Some of them tasted downright nasty. I'm sorry, but when Steve and I are doing nasty things, I really don't want to lick him and have him taste like a blue-raspberry Slurpee. Maybe that's just me though...
My personal favorite in that group of products was one called "Dickalicious". Supposedly, it makes the man's penis tingle, it tastes good for the woman, and it will prolong the amount of time before he, uh, "finishes". The woman made a point of saying that you ONLY need a "pin prick" of it, because otherwise, the man's penis might start tingling too much, it could cause discomfort, and it'll be a loooooong time before he's um, satisfied. The jokes started flying and all of us there considered buying a bottle simply to use the next time our men pissed us off and we wanted to torture them for an entire night... "You said what, Hon? Fine. Let's go upstairs. I've got a real treat for you..." Rub it on and walk out of the room. Sweet.
After the lotions and gels were all discussed, it was time to play a game. There's nothing quite as funny as women standing around in a circle trying to pass a big, rubbery, double-ended dildo around using only their knees. I must say, the girl next to me and I kicked ass at the game, but I didn't win, dammit. [sigh] (See photos below.)
After that little ice breaker, it was time to discuss the "toys." I always like to watch the faces of the women who have never been to one of these parties before or who have never actually seen a sex toy in person. It's flipping hilarious and is worth going to these parties just for that. So we're passing around vibrators that move, rotate, bend, flip, have spinning beads, have one end, two ends, three ends, etc.
In the midst of all of this, out comes "The Wallbanger." I seriously almost pissed myself laughing. It's a large, hot pink vibrator with a big black suction cup on the bottom. The woman slammed the suction cup against the wall and then explained that it can be attached to the wall, the top of a coffee table, a window sill, the side of the tub, etc. Oh... my... god. The jokes were flying. Comments about sticking the sucker to the kitchen cabinets and never complaining about cooking dinner again. LOL! Awesome! And here it is... the Wallbanger...
But the most popular item of the night came towards the end of the demonstration. The woman pulls out this pinkish rubber stretchy tube. She says it's called the Love Tunnel and is their top selling item. I'm still thinking, "What the hell is it?" when she explains exactly what it's for..."To use this, lube up your man's penis and slide this on with his head sticking out the end. Then when you give him oral sex, you'll only have the head of his penis in your mouth, but it will feel like you're deep-throating him." Holy SHIT! Are you kidding me? I swear to god, EVERY single woman there whipped out their pens and marked that down on their order forms. LOL! I chimed in with a whole plan to buy that AND the Dickalicious lotion so I could slather that tingly crap on, slide on the Tunnel of Love and make Steve suffer in pain for hours. (Don't lie... it would be funny and you know it.)
So anyway, I left that evening with a free Silver Bullet and another free vibrator called "The Screamer" on its way. And I'll let you know if the Love Tunnel works. Because I swear to god, if it does, I'm buying one for every single solitary girl I know. Every...single... one...
So I leave you with this doozy of a picture. It totally cracks me up. Is it just me, or do I look like I'm thinking, "Hey ASS, get that damn thing away from me?" LOL! (Sorry these pictures suck. I pulled them off of Shutterfly after the hostess sent a link to the pics from the party.)
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