Thursday, July 31, 2008

Beer Pong and a Homeless Dude

I’m back again! I can tell you’re all excited. Yup. The love is just pouring through my cable connection and blasting me in the face.

Sooo… my friend, September (yes, that’s her real name, and no, her birthday isn’t in September) sent me a link to this article.

Now this upsets (and amuses) me for many reasons. First of all, although apparently parents around the world had a shit fit when Wii decided to release a beer pong video game (HELLO!?!? I’m going to go get in line for a Wii like NOW), I, on the other hand, was all sorts of giddy. I mean, I’m the reigning champion at our pig roasts, but imagine what I could do if I could play on a daily basis! Sweet Jesus, I just may make it to the Nationals! LOL!

But what really made me laugh was this paragraph….

“Still, there's no guarantee that simply taking the beer out of beer pong will have the sobering effect that college deans intend. Last year, Dartmouth College banned water pong, the real-world version of Pong Toss, because of the risk of water intoxication — it's no joke, as an H2O overdose can be fatal. "I know that [water pong] seems like a good balance between the Dartmouth drinking culture and just trying to have fun," Kristin Deal, a Dartmouth community director, wrote in an e-mail to students announcing the prohibition. "However, it can be just as dangerous, if not more so."”

Dudes. Do you realize what this means?! It means that every time, for the rest of my life, that some holier-than-thou person makes some crack about me drinking beer, or not drinking water, or not being healthy, etc., I can point them in the direction of this article, thumb my nose at them, tell them to fuck off, and inform them that I will, indeed, live longer than they will. Who the hell knew that water could be so damn dangerous? They should seriously ban that crap. Down with water, people! DOWN WITH WATER!!! I’m totally going to forbid water in this house and make the kids drink beer instead. Hell, it’s safer! ;)


But enough about that. Let’s talk about the street dude at the zoo two weeks ago.

When we were leaving the zoo, and walking to our cars in the parking lot a few blocks over, we had to pass this guy…

Our Kids and the Street Dude

He was playing his bongo drum and having a high ol’ time. I vaguely remember Steve handing Grace a dollar bill and telling her to go put it in whatever container he had sitting at his feet. Well, apparently, when you do this, it opens up the door for this guy to explode. All of a sudden, we were his best friends on the planet and we were sent to him to be his buddy for a few minutes. Following, are some conversations that took place.

Bongo Dude: Hey Mama! Come here and play the drum!

Me (pointing at myself): Who? Me?

Bongo Dude: No! What the hell? Her! (pointing at Grace)

Bongo dude proceeded to half drag Grace over to his bongo, sit her down, and force her to play. Not that she minded. (See post below this one for documented proof.)

Next up was Hannah. He did the same thing with her. And when she wasn’t smiling for the camera, he physically grabbed her cheeks and forced her sweet little mouth into a grin as all of the adults laughed. (Because apparently, we find it amusing that a strange man is accosting our children.)

After Hannah it was time for my nephew, Garrett (son to my camo-clad, visor-wearing sister-in-law), to take his turn. He played the drum and laughed the whole time.

Then the guy gave me a hug. Dear god, I seriously think I got drunk just from his breath. Not that I’m knocking him for that. Drink up, dude. But if I ever reek that strongly of alcohol, dear god, someone needs to put me out of my misery.

Last, but not least, was my other nephew, Gunnar (AKA: Devil's Spawn). Bongo Dude was particularly funny with him.

Bongo Dude: Son of a bitch, he’s insane! Look at him go! Damn! You’re fucked with this one (looking at SIL).

Now keep in mind he’s saying all of this LOUDLY, in front of the kids. I couldn’t stop laughing and snapping pictures long enough to be offended.

Finally, we say our goodbyes and get ready to continue our walk to the car. I notice that about 10 feet past the guy is a large graffiti mural of a hippo in amazing colors. Perfect spot for a photo op with the kids since they’ve just had the amazing experience of feeding the hippos at the zoo we’re leaving.

Well, Bongo Dude decided he wasn’t done with us yet, so he jumped into the picture. That wasn’t nearly as funny as the actual conversation that followed. He jumps in the picture and I realize I can’t fit all of the kids in my frame, so I tell my nephew, Garrett, to move in closer.

Bongo Dude: He just doesn’t like black people. That’s cool, dude. I’m a fucking racist too.

(He’s saying all of this while laughing hysterically.)

Seriously, let’s look at the photo again and speculate on what each person was thinking…

Our Kids and the Street Dude

Grace: Thank GOD this guy isn’t touching me! Can we leave now so I can get to the car and check out the new shit you just bought me in the souvenir shop?

Gunnar: I can’t even look at the camera right now. How did this guy know I’m a racist? Damn. He must be a psychic.

Bongo Dude: Look at me with all these kids! I fucking RULE!

Hannah: Perhaps, if I keep staring straight ahead at the camera, I can forget that this odd man is touching me and making me pass out with his bad breath that smells just like Mommy’s.

Garrett: Son of a bitch! Stop choking me, ASSHOLE!!!

Seriously guys, I was laughing so hard, I could barely take the picture. The guy was awesome. Happy as hell, I tell ya. Before we (finally) walked away, he walked up and gave Steve and my brother-in-law HUGE hugs. Not me and my sister-in-law, mind you. Just the guys. I developed a little bit of a complex right in that moment, but I’ve since decided it shouldn’t bother me. But it was friggin’ hilarious.

I love Bongo Dude. Everyone should have a Bongo Dude in their lives. [happy sigh]

So that’s your assignment for the week – go out and find a Bongo-like dude to take pictures of. Bongo Dudes RULE! :P

Just posting a few photos…

While the kids are outside with Steve and his friend and the house is quiet. In a few minutes, everyone will come barreling in the house and the silence will be broken. Sigh. But anyway, I had the chance to post-process a few more photos from our zoo trip. The focus is a bit off in them (because the damn subjects kept moving (LOL!), but I still like ‘em. I’ll be back later with a “real” post.

Hannah messing around with her cousin, Garrett…

Cousins Playing

Grace taking a break…


Grace playing the street dude’s bongo. The story with this guy is HILARIOUS! I’ll post it tonight…

Bongo Girl

I almost forgot…

In all the excitement of Em and Tracey being here over the weekend, I forgot to inform the world that Hannah lost her second tooth! It’s been loose for awhile now, and on Friday, she just reached into her mouth at daycare and pulled the sucker out! LOL!

Tooth # 2 is Gone!

And here’s another picture of her this morning. She was determined to match her cheetah. So they’re both wearing white shirts, jeans, and a sheer pink dance skirt over the top. (Yes, she’s wearing jeans too.) The kid went to daycare like that. She seriously kills me. {shaking head}

PS: I know this photo is a bad one. Focus is off, color casts, etc. But she was literally walking out the door for daycare and I pulled her back in so I could snap the picture.

Everyone Must Match!

Anyway, I need to shower now and get moving on some work I have to do. I’ll be back later. :)

Quote of the Day:
There should be no yelling in the home unless there is a fire.
--David Oman McKay

Short one tonight…

Because I’m tired. And it’s late.

* I have a big zit right next to my nose. I can’t tell you the last time I had a zit. What the hell?

* I hate driving into the office. Hate it. And today I did it again. And I hated it.

* My To Do list is way too long. Waaaaayyyyy too long. (Personally AND at work. Sigh.)

* Only a few more weeks until the pig roast. Shit. I haven’t even made up the invitations yet.  Sigh. Tomorrow. For real.

* The IRS can bite me.

* Tomorrow I’ll post how my darling daughter, Grace, apparently loves me more than Steve and how she tried to seek revenge for her father trying to kill her mother with a snakeskin. (Seriously. Paybacks are a bitch.)

* I’m falling asleep while sitting here, so this has to be it. Um, sorry I just wasted 30 seconds of your life.

Quote of the Day:
Wherever you are -- be there.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Blog Awards!

Mine. Not yours. Meaning they’ll be awards given to YOU, not me. I’m totally stealing this idea from Tink (whom, if you haven’t noticed, I’m a bit obsessed with in awe of). I’m a self-admitted blog whore actually. My problem is that I read SO many that I couldn’t possibly do it without a read feeder (with Feedly being my choice these days). Unfortunately, when you read blogs in a read feeder, it’s another few extra steps to actually comment on a blog.

So Mary, Geena, and lots and lots of my other readers, I DO read your blogs every time you post. I’m just too damn lazy busy to click over to your blog to comment. So we’ll handle that whole ignorance on my part with some awards. I’ll make one (or several?) up in Photoshop in the next few days, and then we’ll see where it goes from there. Because life is too short not to have an award displayed on your blog. :)

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

When all else fails…

Steal an idea from someone else’s blog. I stole this from Kim, who stole it from Mary. Go on… be a thief too! It’s fun!

(Please keep in mind that I was an English major in college. I can assure you that if I hadn’t been, I wouldn’t have read half of these books that I did.)

The Big Read estimates that the average person has only read 6 of the 100 greatest books ever printed.

Copy and paste to your blog and play along! Bold books you've read, and italics books you love.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 The Harry Potter Series - JK Rowling (Tried once. HATED it.)
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible A lot of it. Does that count?
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials – Phillip Pullman
10 Great Expectations – Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller.
14 The Complete works of Shakespeare Most of ‘em.
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit – J.R.R. Tolkien (Again. I tried. Hated this too.)
17 Birdsong – Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger (Best book EVER written!!!!)
19 The Time Traveler's Wife
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams 
26 Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck (Amazingly brilliant.)
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield – Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini 
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden 
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies – William Golding 
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune- Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon 
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck (Again, amazing.)
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick – Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 notes from a small island 
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection – Enid Blyton didn't read it can't remove it
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince – Antoine de St. Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory – Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town like Alice- Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet- William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl 
100 Les Miserables – Victor Hugo read the abridged version

Alrighty. Let’s talk about the E.T. visit.

E.T. as in Emily and Tracey. Get it? ET… Extra Terrestrial… Planet Alien… (Ah, never mind. I don’t think it’s that funny either.)

Anyway, I apologize up front for not having any photos. As per usual, when an event or something important takes place, I seem to discard all thoughts of taking photos and I have none. Tracey did the same thing. So other than the ones I already posted in my last post, and one or two others that will NEVER be posted online (because of my gut), we didn’t take any. I lie. There are one or two of random signs and streets, but none even worth really taking the time to play with and post. So you’ll just have to use your imaginations and picture the photos based on my uncanny ability to describe things in words for others to see in their heads. (In other words, you’re screwed. LOL!)

So that being said, we had a blast! They got here Thursday afternoon and we just hung out, ate, drank a bit, and laughed.

On Friday, the two of them, me, and my friend, Rachelle, went to Jim Thorpe to browse, eat, and just chill. We went into the COOLEST consignment shop where Tracey bought earrings, Emily bought jewelry for her daughters, and I bought a cool Asian style purse for $5.00 (photos tomorrow).

Then we ate lunch where Emily tried pierogies for the first time. Dear god, does that woman not know what she’s been missing her entire life? [shaking head] After lunch, we walked around some more, and then we hit the tattoo parlor where I got my belly button pierced.

That night, Rachelle and her boyfriend came over to our house and so did our friend, Joe, and all hung out, drank too much, ate too much, and laughed our asses off.

On Saturday, Emily, Tracey, me, and my two girls headed to the site of the World’s Largest General Store. Since burning down 2 summers ago (or last summer?), it’s just not the same, and frankly, is rather depressing. Tracey bought a cool metal sign from The Holy Grail that says something about farting. I hate that movie [ducking and running], I couldn’t tell you the exact quote on it.

Then we headed to an indoor flea market and antique store (2 separate businesses) down the street from my house. I’d never been to either and now, I expect, I’ll be back at both quite a bit. At the flea market, I bought some stuff for the girls, a bracelet for myself, and random odds and ends.

Then we came back to the house where we pretty much crashed. Tracey and I almost dozed off once, but we managed to fight it and stay awake. It wasn’t too long after that that I drove the kids to my parents’ house for the night so the adults could head out to mine and Steve’s usual weekly bar.

Words cannot describe how much fun I had there that night. Emily was keeping up with me beer for beer (YAY Emily!), and was feeling it (as was I). Throw in a few shots of Red-Headed Slut, a Car Bomb (bought for us by the bar owner and I promise you, will be the last one I ever drink… Ew!), and a Buttery Nipple or two, and we were hammered. I introduced them to my favorite regular, Skip (who  is probably in his 50's)… we were all flabbergasted when Tracey said she’d never tried a cheese steak in her life… and made fun of Rachelle’s boyfriend, Dan.

A couple I’ve seen several times was there, and I had watched them buy person after person drinks. I told my girls I was going to work it and score a free drink from them. So I walked over, introduced myself, and talked to them for about 15 minutes. They left right after that, but not before buying Steve and I our next round. WOOHOO! Mission accomplished. Score 1 for Allison! I friggin’ rule! LOL!

At one point, an entire wedding reception crowd wandered in and things got nuts. I found the cutest guy in the world amongst them, but had no single girlfriends around to hook him up with, so I was pissed. LOL!

Also in the crowd was the creepiest dude I’ve ever met in my life. A middle-aged Indian dude who had a staring problem. He was only one barstool over, and every time we looked at him, he was staring RIGHT at us. Not even the type of person that once you catch their eye, they quick turn away. Oh no. You’d look at him and he’d just KEEP staring at you. And he was only 3 feet away so it was really uncomfortable. [shudder] I KNOW I’m going to turn on “America’s Most Wanted” one day and see him on it. I just know it.

Conversation in Bar # 1

Other Girl in Bar: Well, I do everything else with my right hand, but I masturbate with my left.

Me: What?! That’s weird.

OGIB: I know. I just always have.

Me: So does that mean if I use both of my hands next time, I can say I had a menage a trois?

Tracey: Yeah. And then you can tell everyone how “that guy on the left” was obviously uncomfortable and didn't know what he was doing.

Me: Dude, what do you expect?! He’s a virgin!


Conversation in Bar # 2

Me: Let’s order some Buttery Nipples.

(Pause as I look over at Skip, who is standing with us.)

Me: Poor Skip. He doesn’t know what we’re talking about. The next time he's with a chick, he'll think back to this and start rubbing butter on the poor girl's chest.

Skip (Laughing): I'll be all excited, yelling, "I can't believe it's not butter!"

Me: Just don't buy that shitty spray stuff. That stuff sucks.


When we decided to call it a night, the best bartender in the world, Jen, handed us our check. She made some comment about nothing being added to our bill for over an hour and the whole tab was only around $60. I love her. So we paid the check and threw her a $20 tip. ;)

We left and came back home, where Tracey proceeded to have a minor nosebleed and shove a tampon up her nose to be funny (it worked), and Emily spent 20 minutes talking strictly with an Indian accent (and rather well I might add), but those are other stories for other times. LOL! Let's just say that I'm surprised I didn't piss myself from laughing so hard that night. I love my girls! :)

The next day (yesterday) they both left my house to head home, but both of them had um, "flight issues" and didn't get home until today. Sigh. See? That is why I don't set foot on an airplane. I told you so.

And with that, my visit from my friends seemed to end as soon as it started. Sigh. Anyone free next weekend? Wanna come visit? Because I could introduce you to the coolest Indian dude...


PS: I'll be working on tweaking my blog layout and template for the next day or two. If anything is completely off, chances are I already realize it and will fix it ASAP, OK?

Quote of the Day:
Many people take no care of their money till they come nearly to the end of it, and others do just the same with their time.

Monday, July 28, 2008

I did it!

OK. So Emily and Tracey flew in to visit me on Thursday, and just left yesterday. (Well, they left my house. Actually back to their own homes proved challenging for both of them, but that’s another story…)

Anyway, on Friday, the three of us and my friend, Rachelle, headed to Jim Thorpe to eat lunch, browse the old shops, and just get some good, quality friend time in.

Because I had mentioned it last week, they were determined to get my naval pierced. Well, we went past a tattoo shop that said “Piercings” on the front and there was no turning back. I don’t really think they would’ve given me a choice. LOL!

So in we went, I sucked it up (er, literally), and I got it pierced! The guy was pretty cool and I was probably the worst client ever. Not because I was scared, or freaking out, or anything like that. But because I wouldn’t shut up. And when you talk, your stomach moves. (Well, one my size does anyway.) And he had to keep shushing me while he tried to mark my stomach where the piercing should be, while he was trying to screw the little ball thing on, while he was trying to prep the area and then clean up afterwards. Oops. Sorry dude. He was funny about it though, so it’s all cool.

Anyway, I have a few photos. But Tracey (who took the pictures) couldn’t use a flash, so I had to do a little “doctoring” on these pictures. I actually have more photos than this, but I either look ridiculously large in them, or I’m making the dorkiest faces you’ve ever seen in your life. So this is it for now, my friends…

Here’s him trying to mark me. Please note my face. It’s painfully obvious I was talking during this one. He shushed me right after this was taken. LOL! (And Tracey, if you look at the original of this and start getting confused, the answer is yes… I absolutely, positively used the Liquify tool on this in Photoshop and pushed my lower stomach in a good 3 or 4 inches (at least). It was either that or not post the photo at all. LOL!)

Getting Marked

And here I am AS he’s shoving the rod into my poor clamped stomach. YOW!

And here we go!

It actually didn’t hurt that badly. It didn’t tickle or anything. But it was a few seconds of a lot of pressure, some pinching, and then we were done.

I just took these a few minutes ago. I was a little bummed because I really wanted a nice, pretty sparkly one, but my only choices were swirly plastic balls. So I picked pink. I can wait three months and change it myself, or go back to him in a month and he’ll change it for me.

Oh, and no, I don’t normally stand like this. But I had to use the timer on my camera and stand where I thought the focal distance would fall. That ended up being kind of close to the camera, so I had to sort of do a straddle and push my hip out so my belly button would be in line with the camera. LOL! (And no, I did not Photoshop my stomach in these two shots. Let’s just say I look WAY better from the front than from the side. LOL!)


I did it!

Anyway, I’ll blog later tonight with details of the girls’ visit! We had so much fun and I have lots of stories. But I REALLY need to go work and get some cleaning and laundry done. Later guys!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

I Need Calgon.

Wow. I’m glad today is (for the most part) over. Just a crazy day, spent mostly in my car.

This morning, I got to go to the Lilly Pulitzer warehouse to take some photos for a brochure I’m developing for my company (LP is one of our clients) and it was pretty cool. I got some good shots and it was neat seeing the warehouse. But holy CRAP! We were walking through the warehouse and I saw boxes and boxes of LP shoes. Dudes, I glanced, and for a pair of sandals (with barely any raw materials what-so-ever) was $198.00!!!! Two hundred FREAKING dollars for a pair of sandals?!?! What… the… hell? Please tell me I’m not the only person out there that thinks that’s just insane! My god… There is no sandal on earth worth that much in my opinion.

But I quickly forgot about that since the rest of the day was a blur of driving, dinner, daycare pickup, some work, and cleaning. Why the cleaning you ask?


God bless Tracey and Emily, because both of their flights leave at god awful times tonight tomorrow morning. Then they’ll fly into the Philly airport, meet up, pick up their rental car, and drive the 90 minutes to my house. Around 1:30 PM or so (estimated time), they’ll be pulling in my driveway, ready to start 4 days of drinking, eating, laughing, talking, bitching, moaning, sharing secrets, hanging with friends, taking pictures, and just being stupid. (We all do stupid rather well… LOL!) I am sooo excited! I so need this right now that it’s not even funny.

However, my day tomorrow leading up to the magic hour of 1:30 is going to be hell. Last minute cleaning and picking things up, cleaning the bathrooms, washing the sheets on any beds they’ll be sleeping in, picking up the cigarette butts littering the stones next to my back door (relax people… there are only a few there), doing a quick wet Swiffer of the downstairs, and a quick vacuuming of the upstairs. Throw in a very quick trip to the grocery store to pick up each girl’s favorite flavor of coffee creamer and some crappy but oh-so-good non-organic snacks and I’ll be golden. Oh, and work. I need to work at some point tomorrow too before they get here.

Shit. Now that I just read all of that, maybe I should just run to the grocery store and do some cleaning now before I go to bed. LOL! And I should probably be in bed, since I foresee us all being up until the wee hours of the night the next few days. And yet, here I sit… blogging, drinking a beer, and freaking out thinking about all of the things I need to do tomorrow morning. Son of a…


Life in the Office

* Office Manager (Sandy) walks into my cubicle for something.

* She glances down at me, where I’m wearing a short, fitted skirt that falls to about mid-thigh when sitting down.

Sandy: Holy shit! You’re legs are beautiful!

Me (confused): Huh?

Sandy: Your legs. They’re gorgeous!

(This is where it’s painfully obvious that I don’t dress up much at the office. Ever.)

Me (slightly embarrassed): Shut up.

Sandy: No! For real! You have beautiful legs! (pause) Um, I’m not hitting on you.

Me: Shit.


I just found a little bug floating in my beer. Nice. Real nice.

Anyway, I really should head to bed. I’ll try to pop in over the next few days to post a photo or two and blog about the awesome freakin’ time I’m having with the girls, but I’m making no promises. Because I always break my promises anyway, so it would be pointless. Later….

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Only Two (and a Half) More Days…

That’s all I need to get through. Two and a half short days. Life’s been nuts here lately. So much going on. Tons to do. Deadlines. An infestation (I’ll go into that some other time). A trashed house. And all sorts of other stuff.

But on Thursday, in the early afternoon, two of my best friends will be flying into Philadelphia and heading to my house for 4 fun-filled days of drinking, girl talk, shopping, eating, taking pictures, installing and teaching Photoshop, and laughing. I cannot wait! We’re going to have so much fun! I’ve rounded up some local friends to help with the festivities drinking, and we’re going to have a blast! Bars… beer… food… shopping… naval piercings (well, I’m hoping anyway)… and laughing until we pee ourselves.

However, before then, I have to write a 1000+ topic online help system, head to the Lilly Pulitzer warehouse to take pictures for the infamous brochure at work, create the brochure, do some Photoshop stuff for friends, clean my house (seriously… it’s BAD right now), rid the home of the aforementioned infestation (which is proving to be rather tedious), and lose 10 pounds (just kidding). But somehow, some way, I’ll get it done. And if I don’t? Who cares. Because I’ll be having too much fun to care.

Tink, you wanna come too? Because we’d love to have you and you could certainly use a vacation. :) OK. That’s kind of short notice I guess, but it would be cool. LOL!

And because I’m a total geek (as if there was any doubt), I’m mostly excited about the photo ops. I love me some good photography, and I’m going to follow my friends around like it’s my job, snapping photos like a total dork and then making them look all cool in Photoshop. (Tracey and Emily, you’ve been warned.)

However, that does mean I probably won’t be around much from Thursday through Sunday, which, I’m sure, has you all already yearning for me before I’m even gone. I don’t blame you. I’d yearn too. (<--- Sarcasm.) I’ll try to pop in here in the mornings before my lovely guests wake up, so I can fill you in on what we’ve been doing and tell you all sorts of embarrassing things about them before they can get home to their home states to read them. But I’m not promising anything. (And even if I did, I’d break it. I suck like that.)

So let’s all put our hands together and pray I make it through the next 60 hours or so. Because once those girls pull into my driveway in their way cool rental car, everything else is getting pushed to the back burner. I won’t give a rat’s ass what my boss wants done, or if the toilet is clean enough or not, or which sheets are washed and which ones aren’t. Because once they pull in, I’m knocking one a 30-pack back and laughing until tears roll down my face. Because that’s what me and my girls do. :)

Responses to Yesterdays Comments…

* Chelle: I honestly don’t even remember seeing zebras. LOL!

* Mary: Hope you had fun at the zoo today!

* Beth: Hi girl! Email me! We need to catch up! :)

* Susan, Melly, and Kelly: My option of my SIL wanting to be “cool like me” was total sarcasm. I assume you realize this, but felt the need to clarify, just in case. LOL! If anything, she tries to be better than me (which, admittedly, isn’t that hard to achieve), which is why I was shocked by the camo.

* September: LOL about the pink camo! I don’t think I’ve ever seen that girl wear pink a day in my life now I’m thinking about it. However, I do think you hit the nail on the head when you said she could get “sucked into something themey.” That is sooo her! I can just picture her that morning… “Zoo… animals… hunting… camo… COOL!” LOL! All that was missing was the safari hat. But then she couldn’t have worn the visor, so I guess she wanted something in there that reflects her true personality. ;) Oh, but she DID tuck her shirt in, which is something I never, ever, ever do, but that she always, always, always does. So in her own way, she was more “her” than I originally thought. Interesting….

And OMG, I barely take that lens off my camera. Ever. I love that lens in ways no person should love an inanimate object. LOL!

Quote of the Day:
Speak in anger and you'll give the greatest speech you'll ever regret.

Sunday, July 20, 2008


That’s how I would describe our day at the zoo yesterday. Shocking, I know, given my previous complaints about how I perceived the day would go. And my worries weren’t completely unfounded in terms of children running in all directions and not listening. But for the most part, they were pretty good.

The amazing part of it all started almost after we first got to the zoo (after horrendous traffic, but that’s neither here nor there). Not too far in from the main entrance was the reptile house. A huge (air-conditioned) building with snakes, lizards, etc. We walked around in there about 20 minutes, and then headed back outside to start making our way to the fancy tent where lunch was being catered. (We got into the zoo for free through MIL’s DH’s company, and part of that deal was free lunch.)

Anyway, right outside the reptile house was a zoo employee. A young “kid” (about 21 or so), holding a small snake, talking to kids that walked past, telling them about the snake, etc. Grace (of course) may a bee-line for the guy and soon to follow were Hannah, Gunnar, and Garrett (Gunnar and Garrett are my nephews). So the guy starts talking to all of us about the snake, other snakes, the elephants, etc. and after about 10 minutes, he hands us a paper and says, “You know what? Meet me back here at 2:30 and I’ll give you guys a little ‘behind the scenes’ tour of the hippo feeding.” Awesome!

Honestly, I figured we’d get to go back where only employees go (cool!) and watch the zoo employees feed the hippos. But oh my god, was I wrong.

We met the guy at 2:30 and he said, “OK guys! Follow me!” He lead us through this big wooden gate that said “Employees Only”, which in and of itself was cool. Then we met two other women who work at the zoo who are in charge of feeding the animals. They employees started telling us about hippos. How they’re one of the most dangerous, vicious animals there are (which Steve and I knew because we’re “Animal Planet” geeks), and how even though they’re herbivores and only eat plants, they kill things like it’s their job because they are VERY protective and territorial. It’s nothing for a hippo to kill a tiger, lion, etc. if they feel threatened. Alrighty then. LOL!

So they start handing out rubber gloves to all of us (!) and wheel out a huge garbage can filled with just lettuce. Lots and lots of lettuce.

The two hippos that are at the zoo quickly ran over to us. Now the way it’s set up is that the hippos are basically down below, and we were all standing at the top of a stone wall that was a bit above the hippos’ heads. They said no employee has ever gone into the actual habitat with the hippos because it’s too dangerous.

Well, as soon as the hippos reached us, they lifted their heads, opened their HUGE mouths, and wanted their meal. That’s when we all got to start feeding them. Basically, we took huge handfuls of lettuce and tossed them into the hippos’ mouths. It was just SO cool to see and do. I couldn’t push my shutter button fast enough to take pictures.

And thank god, I had my 50mm prime (fixed) lens on the camera. Basically that means that the lens does not zoom in or out AT ALL, and at 50 mm, you’re basically seeing what you do with your naked eye. So all of the pictures I’m about to share are literally how close we were to everything. Just fascinating. The insides of their mouths are just amazing. I couldn’t believe how HUGE their teeth are! And what’s funny is that those teeth are used strictly for defense, and they use only their lips and tongues to actually eat. Just unbelievable.

And without further ado, why don’t you share in our amazing hippo experience. If you’ve ever wondered what the inside of a hippos mouth looks like, wonder no more. LOL!

These are from when they first wandered over when they realized it was feeding time.

Hippo 1

Hippo at the Philadelphia Zoo

And then, the kids started throwing the lettuce into their mouths.

Open Up!

Hippo Love

Hey dude.

Grace and the Hippo

Grace, Gunnar, and Lulu

Wanna see what the insides of their mouths look like? No problem, my friends! ;)


Look at those TEETH! Dear GOD! LOL! (And remember, I can’t zoom with this lens.) ;)

Inside of Hippo Mouth



And then, at one point, while the hippo had his mouth closed, Grace and Gunnar got to pet his chin. Awwww! Look at his little tongue. LOL!

Petting the Hippo

It was just such a cool once-in-a-lifetime experience. So, so cool! The kids LOVED it, and admittedly, so did the adults. It was one of those days you never forget and you go to sleep that night knowing you will never have an opportunity like that again. Just a really, really cool day. :)


But enough about that. I know you all want to know if the sister-in-law wore “The Visor”. And the answer is yes. Yes, she did. I TOLD you all she would. LOL! See?


However, at least in THIS case, the visor made sense. Outside. In the sun. At the zoo. (That’s Steve’s brother, SIL, and their 2 boys in that picture.)

However, what had me TOTALLY flabbergasted (and still does), is that she had camouflage shorts on.  Camo. SIL doesn’t “do” camo. Well, apparently she does… I’ve just never seen it. She is soooo not a camo person. She’s strictly Eddie Bauer khaki, polo shirts, etc. To see her in camo almost made me shit my pants. AND they were paired with $2.00 Old Navy flip-flops. What the hell?!?!


So I have several theories here…

1) She’s going through her mid-life crises (she’s the same age as me… 35), and is trying to dress “younger” and trendier.

2) She knows I wear camo whenever possible (because I’m cool like that) and she’s trying to be just like me because she thinks I’m cool.

3) She was trying to look as “zoo like” as possible, and figured that the visor, the camo shorts, and the flip flops made her look all “Safari”.


3) They’re piss poor broke and can only afford to buy $2.50 shoes. (And that’s cool with me. I love my PayLess and WalMart shoes. SHE however, doesn’t.)

It was just weird. Really, really weird. However, I am determined to figure out the mind of this girl come hell or high water, and I will figure out what makes her tick if it’s the last thing I do,dammit. LOL!

Alrighty. I’ll post more zoo pics tomorrow. But I was so hung up on the hippo ones, that I didn’t have a chance to even look much at the others I took yesterday.  Later gators! ;)

Saturday, July 19, 2008


I can’t even begin to describe my day. Seriously. It was one of those days where you just want to crawl into a corner, fold yourself up in the fetal position, and pretend it never happened. It involved “critters” (numerous critters) with more than 2 legs which means I want nothing to do with them, forgetfulness, toilet paper, the IRS, laundry that HAD to been done due to the aforementioned critters, zoo preparation, PMS/hormone-related issues, hideous actions from a member of my family that I'm sick and tired of hearing about, and lots of lots and lots of yelling on my part (due to all of the previous things I mentioned). I hated myself today, that’s how bitchy and annoyed and stressed and positively evil I was. My poor, poor family.

And with that, I’m off to bed. I have to deal with 17 family members in 95-degree heat at a zoo tomorrow that’s 90 minutes away. God. Help. Me.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Oops! Forgot a link last night!

For those of you that take pictures and get them printed, I found a new photo printing site that has some KILLER deals right now! It's called and if you go and sign up, you automatically get 400 FREE photo prints and a FREE 8"x8" photo book! WOOHOO!! There's a bunch of other free credits you can pick up if you visit the Community Forum over there after you join.

I can't vouch for their quality (yet), but I plan on ordering my photo book tonight. And hell, the stuff is free, so even if I never decide to actually buy something from them, I can't really complain after 400 prints, ya know? LOL!

So go here and sign up!

Virtual Smorgasbord

Random Like a Rock Star

(Shut up. Y’all love my random ramblings and you know it.)

* “Lightly Salted” potato chips do nothing for my cravings. Don’t even think about buying those stupid things again the next time we have a picnic and you offer to bring something, Mom. OK?

* I got my period today. I never know when she’s coming (because I don’t pay attention) so it took me by surprise. Lemme tell you, I am so looking forward to walking around the zoo on Saturday in the predicted 95-degree weather, with 16 other family members, looking for stench-filled public restrooms so I can change my tampon. It doesn’t get any better than that, does it? Sigh.

* And I’m sure my raging hormones will boost my tolerance of my nephew that normally makes me want to carry a flask with me when I know he’s going to be around. If you see a story on the news about a crazy Pennsylvania lady trying to shove her 6-year-old nephew into an empty cage, and that crazy lady looks at the camera and sticks out her tongue while drool runs down her chin, just know that that’s the “secret sign” from that crazy lady to her loyal blog readers as a way of saying hello. Just wave back at your TV screen and know that the lady will be back up and blogging again as soon as she posts bail.

* My insane (literally) neighbor gave me a free pack of cigarettes today because Steve gave him half (not a whole one, mind you) of a watermelon. I’m pretty sure the whole exchange embodies the art of being a redneck, but I’m not sure, since it’s hard to see the “big picture” when you’re one of the parties involved.

* Cinnamon Altoids and beer don’t taste that great when consumed together. Keep that in mind, OK gang?

* Shit. I forgot to make the pig roast invitations again today. Someone remind me tomorrow, OK?

* One week from now, I’ll be sitting here at home, chillin’ with two of my best girlfriends, drinking booze, and making fun of all of you. It’s a shame y’all can’t fly in too. But since you can’t, you’re all fair game in the Make Fun of the People That Aren’t Here game I like to play with my guests. Sucks to be you.

* I’m out of random thoughts, so let’s move on…


Link Love

Sooo… due to my obsessive habit of adding 5 or 6 new blog feeds to my blog reader everyday, I often find myself stumbling upon fantastic websites out there in the Internet world. Today, I found two that made me happy.

First up we have the Fail Blog. OMG! Funny shit! I spent HOURS looking back through the entire blog. It’s all funny pictures and videos of people (or other things) failing miserably at something. There’s stuff like this:


And this:


And this:


And this:


Seriously. Go there. Now. (Well, as soon as you finish reading my post.) Your sides will hurt from laughing so hard.


The next site I “found” (i.e., someone else found it and linked to it, like I’m about to do) is Tune Us In. You can convert any of your MP3 files on your computer to FREE ring tones. (I like free shit.) I now have “7 Things I Hate About You” ringing in my ears whenever my sister calls me. It was either that or “Fat Bottomed Girls.” Baahaahaa! Shhhh! Don’t tell her! (Obviously, she doesn’t read this blog. Um, that I’m aware of. Crap.)

But seriously, do me a favor and post in the comments what some of your ring tones are and if they’re for certain people. I get a kick out of that stuff.


And this last one really is a link filled with love. Tink posted for the first time since her brother-in-law was killed in a car accident. I adore this girl. And now her and her fiance are going to petition for custody of her brother-in-law’s 4-year-old son. Could y’all send out some prayers and positive thoughts that it goes through? Because they’d be kick ass parents to the little boy and I have complete faith that they’d raise him in an unbelievable environment. If you don’t do prayers, throw a penny in a fountain or something and make it your wish. They all deserve it.


A PHOTO (or 2)

At one of the picnics we were at this past weekend, I snapped some pictures of my friend’s little girl. They’re all moving to Montana (or some other far-away state) in two weeks and I’m sad. I’ve known the dad since 5th grade, and we’ve always been great friends. And now, he’s leaving. Sniff.

Anyway, I took some pictures of his little girl and played with them a bit so I could send him the shots. I can’t decide which I like best… the sepia or the BW. Thoughts anyone?

Another one..

My Friend's Little Girl

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Another Meme!

I should be going to bed. But I'm not. So here's a Meme all about Steve and I. :)

How long have you been married? 10 years in September.

Where did you meet? A bar in town.  LOL!

How long did you date? 18 months from the day we met until the day we got married.

How old is he? 33

Who eats more? Him. It's amazing how much food enters his mouth.

Who said "I love you" first? He did. On my 25th birthday actually.

Who is taller? He is.

Who sings better? Uhhh... not me? But not him either. Hannah? LOL!

Who is smarter? Depends. He's smarter when it comes to math and concrete. I'm smarter when it comes to everything else. LOL!

Whose temper is worse? Mine. (Blush.)

Who does the laundry? He does his own and I do mine and the girls'.

Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? Me

Who pays the bills? Literally pays? Both of us.

Who cooks dinner? Me usually. But he makes his own when he wants fish. Blech.

Who drives when you are together? Steve does.

Who is more stubborn? Me. Hands down. Unfortunately.

Who kissed whom first? I dunno. We both just went in for the kill. LOL!

Who is the first to admit to being wrong? Steve. I'm never wrong. Baahaahaa!

Whose parents do you see the most? Mine.

Who proposed? Steve.

What's his best physical attribute? His ass. Seriously. It's sculpture-like.

Who has more friends? Oooo... tough one. Probably me.

What are you most proud of him for? Being the hardest damn worker I've ever met in my life.

Who has more siblings? Me. I've got 2. He's got 1.

Who wears the pants in the family? Uhh... we both do?

And here we go again…

Random, useless thoughts by Allison. Don’t lie… you know you love it.

* I have a “thing” with names with a capital letter in the middle of them. I have nothing against the person. Just their names.  For example, MaryAnn. Why the capital "A"? Why not just Maryann? Or Mary Ann? Capital letters weren't meant to be in the middle of a word. Just at the beginning. So from now on, please refer to me as AlliSon. Or AliEn. The choice is yours. But if you don't acknowledge me in that way, I won't respond. Starting... NOW!

* They should make Garanimals for adults. You know... that line of children's clothing where there are different animals on the tags. Kids can just pick any articles of clothing with the same animals and they match. I'm a fashion idiot. I wear jeans, shorts, and tees, and often don't know if those match. Wouldn't it be nice if I could just wake up and grab 2 giraffes and know I was good to go? And hell, they could even make it more adult by using pictures of booze instead of animals... "Well, I guess I'll wear the strawberry daiquiri today." Or "I'm feeling like wearing the six packs of beer to work this morning." I need to take this idea to some investors.

* You know your life is in the shitter when you watch "Celebrity Circus". Seriously. I need to get one. (A life I mean. I already have a shitter.)

* Just when I thought our weekends this summer were finally calming down and going unplanned, I find out all sorts of other events we're supposed to be at, visitors that are flying in, etc. WTH? For the love of god, can I have ONE weekend where I've got nothing to do except sit on my fat ass on the back porch and watch the kids play in the yard?

* I have a slight personal dilemma going on at work. It's totally self-induced, but something's bugging me and I have no idea how to approach the guy that my issue is with, since he scares the living shit out of me. Sigh. It's not a big deal to anyone else at all. And even HE doesn't realize what he's doing, I'm sure. But it's bothering me.

* I just re-read that last one and realized it makes it sound like I'm being sexually harassed or something. LOL! It's nothing even remotely like that. It just involves me creating a brochure for my company that this guy wants based on another brochure he likes (from another company). I have no problem gathering inspiration, ideas, etc. from someone else's work and making them my own in my own sort of way. But this guy pretty much wants me to copy this brochure so that it's practically identical. I don't think the guy has any CLUE that it's not only illegal (I assume), but that it's a complete slap in the face to the person that took the time to design the other company's brochure. I have a real problem with that. So now I have to figure out how to approach it. Dammit.

* Ok. You REALLY know you need a life when the winner of celebrity circus was just announced and you jumped out of your chair with your fist in the air, yelling, "WOOHOO!" [shaking head] I need help. Serious, serious help.

* Since Kelly commented on my post from yesterday, I have a serious paranoia that all of my readers wear visors and I just offended every one of them. To make up for it, I'll go buy one tomorrow and wear it every where I go. Work... the grocery store... the gas station... parties... the zoo on Saturday... even to bed. Please forgive me readers. Please?

* It feels weird when I post something here and don't have a photo to add. But tonight, I really don't have one to add. I'm uncomfortable with that, but I'm too lazy to do anything about it.

* I'm hungry. But it's 11:15, and pigging out right now doesn't seem like the smartest move. But I'm hungry dammit.

* Why is it that no matter how many things I get done, my "To Do" list just keeps getting bigger? I'm kind of sick of being a grown-up.

* I totally forgot that I NEED to make the pig roast invitations this week and get them in the mail and in email inboxes. It sneaks up on us every damn year. Crap.

* Why is it so hard for a grown woman to find non-geriatric shorts in the right length? I love that Bermuda shorts are in style right now and that's great. But why are the only other options the ones with a 1" inseam. How about a nice, happy medium? Because when my pubic hair is longer than my shorts, there's a problem.

* On a related note, I found a skirt online that I really, REALLY liked. The description said it's a whopping 12" long from the top of the waist to the hem. I held a ruler up at my waist and realized that if you factor in my widened hips and upper thighs (since pushing 2 human beings out of my crotch), and the fact that the skirt would have to stretch around that, I could basically wear the damn skirt as a belt. Sigh.

* Thirty-five year old women shouldn't like the Jonas Brothers. Not that I know any 35-year-old women that like them. Nuh uh. I'm just sayin'...

* I'm totally buying this shirt to wear at the pig roast, and none of you can stop me.


* Or this one.


* Never mind. I'm all over this one.


* Oh WAIT! Maybe one of these?




* I think that's it. It's time for bed. More tomorrow, gang.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

I {heart} Aaron.

Aaron rules. Aaron is my hairdresser. I love Aaron. I’ve only been going to him for about a year now (which translates into about 3 haircuts… I’m soooo bad about keeping up with my hair), but he’s never failed me. Whether it’s cut, color, or both, the man freakin’ rules. He’s one of those hairdressers where you walk in, and when he asks what you want done, you shrug, say, “Whatever you want,” and let him just have at it.

He’s never given me a cut or color I didn’t like. And today was no different. I hadn’t been there in 2 months and my hair was seriously showing it. He slapped some blonde highlights on me and then shagged me out again with my cut. I just adore him. My hair is naturally pretty dark, so I always feel like a totally different person when I have it lightened up. Blondes DO have more fun, don’t they? Dammit. I knew it.

Anyway, here I am in all of my new ‘do glory.

The New 'Do

(Editors note: Please excuse the subject’s lack of any much makeup. As much as she knows she’d look better if she took the 5 seconds to slap on some mascara and lip gloss, she’s kind of lazy and avoids it at all cost.)

And this time (unlike ALL other times), I’ve already scheduled my next trim. The day before the pig roast at 10:00 AM. We figure he can trim it, blow my ‘fro hair out, and I can have it ready to go the next day for the party. That’s right, folks. I only wash my hair every other day. Sue me if it bothers you that much.

Anyway, he’s going to cut Steve’s shrub hair at 9:45 and then hook me up that morning. He said him and his partner are coming to the pig roast, so we figure I can show off his handiwork. LOL!

Anyway, I love that guy. So if you’re ever in PA and want me to hook you up, let me know. Seriously. The man has found his calling.


And on another note, this Saturday, the WHOLE family on Steve’s side is supposed to go to the Philadelphia Zoo. We get in free through my mother-in-law’s husband’s company, so we couldn’t really say no.

And part of me is looking forward to it. Not because of the animals (we all know how I feel about 4-legged critters)… not because of the fun the kids will have (although that’s part of it)… and not because I realize that if I’m not home all day, I won’t have to clean. Oh no. My excitement is because of my sister-in-law. Because, see, I know she’s going to wear “The Visor.” That oh-so-infamous visor.

It’s just a plain khaki visor that she wears a lot in the summer. Not when she’s golfing (when it would make sense… although she doesn’t golf, so…). Not when she’s at a garden party at the country club (where it’s part of the standard issued uniform). Oh no. She just wears it to random places. She wore it to Grace’s bowling party a few weeks ago, for example. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. Because, despite the forecasts, there was no blaring sun beating down at us inside that bowling alley that day. I’m all for hats. I love my hats. They’re all good. But visors? Aren’t they for, like, old people and stuff?

So anyway, I know she’s going to wear it on Saturday. And then I’m going to take 385 random, unsuspecting photos of her while we’re there. Just so I have something to make fun of blog about that night, for all of you to enjoy right along with me.

Because in SIL’s case, we’ve moved beyond the funky/pathetically fake eyebrows, solid color polo shirts, and all things khaki, and moved onto “The Visor”. [shaking head] I just don’t get it…


But now it’s exactly midnight and I’m beat. I’ve been up until around 3:00 AM the past few nights, and then up for the day for good around 6:00 AM, so I REALLY need to make myself go to bed now. Peace out…

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Complex anyone?

Hi. My name’s Allison, and I’m starting to develop some serious complexes.

Everyone else says, in a sing-song voice ----> “Welcome, Allison!”

Seriously though. I don’t have a low self-esteem. Sure, there are things I’m a bit self-conscious about. Like my hideous teeth. (Seriously… they’re bad.) And sure, I have a slight belly “pooch” after giving birth to two kids. But nothing that bothers me every second of the day. Or that makes me want not to leave my home for fear of scaring someone. Generally speaking, I’m pretty comfortable with myself. I am who I am, and I just figure people can take it or leave it, ya know? Hell, the other day, I posted this self-portrait of myself on my Project 365 blog. I decided I wanted a picture of me sans makeup and sans Photoshopping. Kind of like those Before pictures you see of cover models.

Now I DID boost the contrast of the photo, lighten it up a bit because it was underexposed, etc. But I didn’t do my usual checklist of fading the eye bags and circles, evening out my skin tone, etc.


If I can post that and not think twice, then chances are, I’m ok with being me, right? I really am cool with who I am. Curly hair… straight hair… unshaped eyebrows… non-existent lower lashes… etc. It’s me. If you don’t like it, don’t look. [shrug]

But EVERY few days, damn Facebook sends me an email. And every damn time I open that damn email, it says the same thing. It says that my other friends on Facebook have compared me with their other friends and then lists how I stack up against the group. And EVERY time, it tells me my so-called “friends” have the same thoughts as far as my strengths and weaknesses go:

most creative
best public speaker

most generous
best mannered

Now, as honored as I am with the Most Creative, Best Public Speaker, and Happiest titles I’ve had bestowed on me, the Weaknesses are kind of bugging me. I’ll even give them portions of the “Best Mannered” weakness. I can belch like a man, fart better than a man (and often do), and tend to say inappropriate things at inappropriate times. I’ve been known (in the past week), to announce that I really, really need to pass gas (I have some serious digestive issues and I’m not being funny here), and I apologize ahead of time that one might “slip out.” So there’s definitely some “redneck manners” going on there.

BUT, if you’re a waitress, cashier, bartender, drive-thru worker, or any other crappy job holder, I’m the customer you’re begging for. I am so overly nice and polite to people that it’s almost sickening. And that’s because I KNOW how much those jobs tend to suck. I’m understanding, I make you laugh, I make you smile, and I compensate you in whatever way I can. People love me.

And most generous? That’s my weakness? OK. So I do tend to promise things to people and then not follow through. But it’s not because I’m not generous. It’s because I’m damn lazy and don’t feel like finding the promised item, packaging it up, driving to the post office, and mailing the damn thing.

And sure, I promise a lot of people Photoshop stuff. But then I start working on it and either get bored or hit a creative brick wall, and I close it, never to be remembered again (because I’m an idiot) unless you specifically ask me for it again. Or I actually finish it, but I’m so afraid you’ll hate it that I don’t ever send it. Because if you ask me to rework or change something, chances are you’ll never get the damn thing. Not because I’m bitter. But because to ask me to do something twice is just ridiculous if you really know me that well. I can’t be that focused. Ever.

So I’ve decided to start sending those damn Facebook emails straight into my Spam folder. Who needs that kind of negative energy, right?

And because I didn’t feel completely beat down today…

I did some Photoshop work for a good friend of mine. And I actually finished it AND I even sent it to her. And as a thank you, she sent me a gift card to Hollister (which was not agreed upon because I said I didn’t want compensation, and which I was kind of embarrassed (yet thrilled) about). Hollister and Aeropostale are my two favorite stores, so the fact that she even knew me well enough to know that tells me something about her.

But I digress…

So she sends me the gift card and I start browsing the site. I was finding a ton of things I liked and started adding them to my shopping cart. And then I remembered…

I look ridiculous in the kind of shirt that every damn girl I know seems to be wearing these days -- those “babydoll” shirts that are a bit fitted right under your boobs and then flare out a bit.

Like this…

Or this…

Or even this…

(Note: I like blue stuff. Sue me.)

But when I happen to slide one of these latest fashion trends on, I look either:

1) Pregnant…

2) Way larger than I actually am…


3) Like Hannah decided to bring one of her dolls to life and dress her up for the day.

Seriously. It’s laughable. Really. I look hideous. I wouldn’t lie to you. And I’m NOT overweight. Not even remotely. I’m between a size 6 and 8 these days, which is actually below average for women my age. And I’m thrilled with that! I weigh now what I weighed when I first met Steve over 10 years ago. So that’s NOT why these types of shirts look stupid on me. I swear, it must be my body shape or something, because these shirts ain’t digging my body no matter how much I want them to. Sigh.

So anyway, as I browsed the Hollister site tonight (and I did find a ton of stuff I was more than happy to buy and not look stupid), looking at all of the shirts I wanted to buy, I thought about the fact that not only am I (apparently) the rudest person on the planet that won’t share a damn thing (according to those Facebook “friends”), but that I can’t even dress in the latest fashions because people will laugh at me for that too. I’ll start getting voted on at Facebook as being “Chick most likely to look like she’s wearing a sack.” Or “Most likely to be knocked up and not telling us.” Yeah. That would be great. Not. [sigh]

So I’m just going to keep taking ridiculously close up photos of my various body parts. And then I’ll Photoshop them and call them “art.” Because that’s what those “Most Creative” people such as myself do, right? We do “artsy” things. And then we spit in people’s faces, give our family members used gifts at Christmas, and we do it all while looking like a beached, middle-aged woman trying desperately to look like a teenager in the latest fashions. Yup. That’s me in a nutshell. Nice.

But hell, at least everyone seems to love my hot wing dip, right? That’s something I suppose. Yup. Put that shit right on my tombstone. Sigh. <---- Recipe will be posted tomorrow morning. Don’t miss it. People will love you. For real.

Quote of the Day:
A thing is not necessarily true because badly uttered, nor false because spoken magnificently.
--Saint Augustine of Hippo

Monday, July 14, 2008

Braids, braids, braids!

Yesterday, my mom took the girls to see the new American Girl Doll movie that’s out in the theatres. They were so excited to go! They even both took their American Girl Dolls with them and wanted me to braid all of their hair. LOL!

Grace and Julie

Hannah and Elizabeth

They ended up loving it, which is cool.

Later that night, Hannah decided she wanted tiny little braids all over her head. Um, great. Sigh. So I spent the next hour and a half putting braids in her hair for daycare today.

Rock Star

Rock Star - Back View

And then she decided she was a rock star.

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Rock Star

That’s right folks… from sweet little girl with her doll to head-banging rock star in the span of 24 hours. Great.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

The Day of Threes

Today is the Day of Many Picnics. Three to be exact. And they all start promptly at 3:00. And we’re basically obligated to attend all three of them. And thus begins the planning. Which one do we go to first? Which one do we want to end at tonight (i.e., the one that’s the most fun)? Which one could we, if we HAD to, skip without pissing anyone off? Sigh.

So as of right now, at 3:00, we’ll be heading to the end-of-season softball picnic for Grace’s team. I’m kind of looking forward to this one. The people are all nice, the girls are the team are great kids, etc. This is the only one I’m required to bring food to (thank god), so it’s probably good we're going to that one first. We're estimating we'll be there an hour or two (probably closer to two).

The next stop is sort of up in the air. Steve's cousin's little girl is turning 5, and since it's family, we're sort of obligated the most to go to this one. But it's the one we really don't want to go to. At all. The kids do. Steve and I could take it or leave it. It's also the one closest to our house (maybe a mile down the road), so it would be nice to end there tonight and just dart on home. BUT, we really don't want to stay that long, so if we went there second, we'd have the third picnic as our excuse to leave. BUT, if we go to the other picnic first, we could stay there almost all day and then just ditch the birthday party and explain later. Hmmm...

My MIL is insisting we at least stop by the birthday party. She keeps reminding us that the pig roast is coming up and that we need to make appearances at these things if we want people to show up  at the pig roast.  Lady, the people having this party will be at the pig roast whether we show up or not. And I HATE that people think like that... "Hey, they couldn't make it to ours, so screw going to theirs." Steve's family is CRAZY about this and has made for more than a few family feuds and comments behind people's backs. [rolling eyes]

Party #3 on the list is the picnic for my friend since 5th grade, who is moving across the country in a few weeks. Realistically, it could be a really long time before we see him and his family again. This picnic is the one with our whole group of friends and we always have a blast. And there will be a water slide and two kiddie pools for the kids to play in all day, so that's cool. But I KNOW if we go to this one second, we'll probably never make it to the third one (the oh-so-important birthday party). Crap.

I don't know what we'll do yet. I do, however, know that by tonight, the kids will be exhausted, we'll probably all smell like ass and be all sweaty (it's hot today), and we'll be stuffed full of crappy picnic food and beer (me and Steve... no beer in the kids). I'm sure we'll have fun at all the places we end up, but it still kind of sucks that we have three obligations in one day, ya know?

And now, I'm off to finish laundry, clean up the house a bit, try to restrain myself from beating the living tar out of my kids (they're both being a bit, um, "challenging" today), making my famous hot wing dip for the softball picnic (remind me to post the recipe... it kicks ass), shower, get dressed, do my pain-in-the-ass hair, pack everything we need for the picnics, try not to forget the birthday card, pack my camera, and wish the day was over already.

Have a great day everybody!

Friday, July 11, 2008

The Alien Night Life

So I know that many (if not all) of you sit around on a regular basis, wondering what me and my little Alienettes are doing. Well, last night, I decided to document, in photos, what a typical evening is like around here. So grab a drink (it’s a long one, folks), sit back, and prepare to be thankful you don’t live here with us.


It all started when both girls decided to play dress up. This, in and of itself, is weird. Hannah plays dress up ALL the time. But Grace? HELL no. It’s not her thing. Why? Well, because, generally speaking, it’s a girly thing. But for some reason, last night, she decided she wanted to dress up like a rock star, just like Hannah.

So they busted out Hannah’s Cheetah Girls dress up kit and had at it. Great. They both looked cute… it kept them occupied… etc. Then they grabbed Grace’s drum and Hannah’s (working) microphone and put on a little concert for me. Here, my friends, is where it quickly went downhill…

First up was Grace. Now keep in mind that the shirt she’s wearing is supposed to cover her stomach (LOL!), but when you’re the size of a 9-year-old, you’re kind of shit out of luck when it comes to these things. I also like the creative genius who strung the bracelets on the fake necklaces. BRILLIANT!

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Next up was Hannah. As can be seen by the look on her face, she was dead serious about the whole thing. It was like she was channeling Hannah Montana’s spirit.

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Sing it like you wrote it, girlfriend! WOOHOO!!!

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Then it was Grace’s turn again. By this point (about 5 minutes later), she had lost the serious side of her rockstar debut and morphed back into the Grace I love. How, you ask? Why, by singing a song about farting, of course. Because nothing says rock star like flatulence does. I will give her credit though. She acted it all out too by making farting noises and holding the microphone at her ass.

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And then she tried to hang herself because the fake farts smelled so bad.

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Not to be outdone by her big sister, Hannah sang HER farting song next. They made me so proud, I actually got a little teary. [happy sigh]

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Hannah decided that pointing at the culprit would further get her point across. Because otherwise, how would the audience know where that awful smell was coming from.

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Hers were so bad, that she skipped the hanging and went right to the pass-out. Nice.

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We administered CPR and she was fine. Then it was time to jump. Because what’s more fun than random jumping?

OMG! What IS that? Hannah or a freaky-ass bird?

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Grace threw in some of her gymnastics skills and really impressed the spectators.

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Now Hannah’s bored and pissed because she can’t perform the same jumping skills as her sister. However, she CAN “belly dance” and suck her stomach in enough to see every damn bone and muscle in her naval. Frankly, it’s disgusting and a sure sign that this child’s mother isn’t feeding her properly and she’s malnourished. It’s a tragedy really…

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But that wasn’t getting enough attention, so she moved on to the couch performance.


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Pass out again. (Hey, it’s tiring being this entertaining.)

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While Hannah was performing her sofa gymnastics, Grace had left the room. I assumed she was taking her intermission break, but shortly after Hannah’s second collapse, Grace wandered back into the room. Apparently, Hannah’s belly dancing had inspired her and she pulled out a few belly tricks of her own. That’s right folks. She had drawn a face on her stomach. I, personally, was just relieved to find out that she hadn’t used the permanent black Sharpie that I thought she had.

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Cute little bugger, isn’t he?

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You know where this is leading, right? There was no way Hannah was letting her sister steal the spotlight again. Enter Belly Friend #2.

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Look mom! It’s TWINS!

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Hey sis, I love ya, but can you stop squashing my face, please?

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After that, it got out of hand (Ya think?) and I had to put the camera down, bring things back down to a dull roar, and, um, give the girls a bath.

So there you have it. A fairly typical night in the House of the Aliens. The activities vary, but they almost all, at some point, involve farting, burping, inappropriate behavior on the furniture, and things that end up making a bath or shower mandatory.

Sooo… who wants to come visit and bring your kids? There’s plenty of markers here for everyone…