Thursday, March 30, 2006

Thursday Thirteen

Thursday 13 Banner by Emily

THIRTEEN PEOPLE I'D LIKE TO BITCH SLAP.
(SOME GENERAL, SOME SPECIFIC.)

1. Snobs. I hate snobs. Despise them. And I don't mean women who happen to like nice things. Hell, we'd all like nice things. I'm talking about the ones that think they're better than me because they drive/wear/live in/eat better things than I do. Bite me, bitches.

2. Kathy Lee Gifford. Seriously. Does anyone like her? Damn freak.

3. Psycho Sports Parents. You know the ones. The ones that think their daughter/son is the best gymnast/soccer player/football player/etc. ever to walk on the planet. The ones that fight with the refs and other parents if (god forbid) a call is made against their child. And the ones that force their children to train for countless hours a day because it was their dream when they were a child and they've decided to live vicariously through their children.

4. Mike Tyson. Fucking animal. Seriously. The guy should be chained up somewhere and left to starve to death.

5. Tom Cruise. Take it down a few notches dude. You've turned into a damn freak. (And I've never thought you were even remotely attractive, so there.)

6. Bill Collectors That Call My House. Newsflash to you people. I know I'm overdue with my credit card/car/cable payment/etc. I don't need you to remind me. And you calling my home to inform me of it isn't going to magically put the money in my account, allowing me to suddenly be able to pay you. So leave me the fuck alone, will ya? Because the more you call, the longer I'll wait to pay you. On purpose.

7. People who are rude to cashiers, waitresses, etc. when what they're pissed about is in no way, shape, or form that person's fault. Don't yell at the waitress because your steak is overdone. She didn't cook it. Don't yell at the cashier because there's only one register open and tons of people wanting to check out. She is checking people out, so yell at the manager who isn't opening anymore lines. Don't yell at the woman working at the customer service desk when you're returning an item that you hated/broke/had parts missing/etc. She didn't invent it, produce it, or force you to buy it.

8. Guys in minivans that feel the need to show us how much testosterone they have (despite the fact that they're driving a minivan) by driving 25 mph over the speed limit and weaving in and out of traffic. You have a penis. The van is your wife's. We get it.

9. That mom at gymnastics class that gave me "the look" when she overheard me jokingly call Hannah a little freak. Look, bitch. I love my girls. They love me. I call them things like that all the time. We laugh. We have fun. All the time. You should pull that stick out of your ass and try it sometime.

10. The little, fat inventor judge on American Inventor. Go away fuckwad. Although I have no doubt that you have invented things and know a lot about inventions in general, you really, really need to stop claiming to be an expert on everything. It's annoying. And rather pompous of you.

11. People that know you haven't seen a particular movie or read a particular book yet, and who know you have every intention of seeing or reading it at some point, and yet still stand there and tell you the entire plot of the movie or book, including how it ends.

12. People who write emails/posts/blog entries using absolutely no punctuation, no capitalization, and no paragraphs. I refuse to read your shit, squinting while I try to decipher what the hell you're trying to say.

13. Dr. Phil. You, my fat friend, are a pompous asshole.

Special thanks to Emily, who has cool Thursday 13 banners. Yay!

10 comments:

Melissa said...

DAMMIT! I forgot about American Inventor tonight!

And, I agree with every single one of those. Every. Single. One. I'm scared. LOL

Janet said...

I agree with all of those! I especially agree with #3,7, 9 and 13!

We have a PSYCHO father on Sam's team and it is incredible. I feel so bad for that boy:-(

EE said...

3,5,7,9...UGH!!!!

You go girl! ;)

mama_tulip said...

I'm so with you on all of these, especially that fat bastard from American Inventor. What's his name? Doug? Like, dude, we realize that you are the King of the World, that you have done everything there is to do in the world and that nobody is as good as you. We also realize that nobody will ever be able to invent anything worthy of being in your presence. So pour yourself a nice cup of shut the fuck up and just hang out for the ride, okay? Fuck.

He annoyed me last night.

Emily said...

I agree with most of these(except maybe for #10 since I have never watched the show...LOL)

Chelle Y. said...

I think that little, fat judge is trying to be Simon Cowell. He's not as cute as Simon, not British, so it's not as entertaining. Someone needs to squash him like a bug! LOL

Tink said...

I would pay big money to see you slap Dr. Phil and Tom Cruise!

Kelly said...

Not to mention they call 20 times a freakin' day.
Yeah buddy if I didn't have the money at 9am what makes you think I've got it at 12pm?

Amber said...

I am with you ALL THE WAY on these!

For me replace the lady who gave you The Look, for the lady who gave me The Look for taking my son by the face and telling him if he didn't stop acting like a jerk I was going to to take him home and leave him in his room for the rest of the week, only sending in a bucket with bread and water.

Yeah, lady. That's right. I said it. He can also piss in the bucket, 'cause he ain't commin' out, get it?

Scully said...

OMG AMEN SISTAH! I love blog rants! (wonder why) and I totally agree about all of those, especially the fat bald judge on American Inventor! WHY does he start every sentence with, "I know all about (blank)" Grrr. Shut up dude, I like the plate that you can put the drink into!