Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Wednesday)...

1) Was relieved to see Hannah ask for (and eat) FOUR bowls of Cheerios in one sitting this morning, about 10 minutes after waking up.

2) Realized afterwards I may have allowed her to overdue it on her first meal after the whole stomach bug thing, but it worked out and she was fine.

3) Pretty much did nothing all day except put a few clean dishes away and washed the new bathmat Cooter puked on overnight. Yay me.

4) Lied right to Steve's face when he asked me if I called the township supervisors regarding the sewage payment on the bungalow. (Dear god, someone remind me to do that tomorrow. I think I promised him papers I'm supposedly picking up tomorrow from the woman I supposedly talked to today.)

5) Decided I'm going to Hell.

6) Begged to be the one "allowed" to go grocery shopping (with Grace) tonight while the other one watched Hannah, just because I really needed to get out of the house.

7) Bought potato sticks at the store and just ate some. I haven't had those since like high school. They still rock and I was mentally trasnported to the days of those triangle-shaped Icees at lunch and gym class immediately following.

8) Just hit myself in the head in an attempt to kill the fly that landed there. (I failed.)

9) Put black and sparkly silver barbed wire armband temporary tattoos on Grace and Hannah tonight in the bathtub and told them they looked like biker chicks.

10) Had Grace tell me to make sure to get a bunch more the next time I go to the grocery store so when she "grows up and is allowed to ride a motorcycle," she'll have some tattoos.

11) Realized my mom is going to be annoyed that I put Grace's in a visible spot for all the daycare to see tomorrow. (She hates that.)

12) Rolled my eyes and laughed out loud about it. Whatever.

13) Practically threw out my back when Grace and I were watching "So You Think You Can Dance?" and we tried to re-enact one of the dance moves/lifts.

14) What is with the fucking flies in this house lately? Jesus... Grrr!!!!!!!

15) Got incredibly annoyed with Steve when he used the entire container of Carpet Fresh tonight, 10 minutes after I bought it, on two rooms, one of which contains nothing by a 5' x 7' area rug. Fucking idiot...

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Tuesday)...

1) Got very little sleep due to a dry-heaving child.

2) Received a phone call at 7:00 AM from my mom, saying she couldn't take Grace to daycare because Grace had hurled all over her feather mattress (DOH!) at 11:00 the night before.

3) Luckily, it was once and done with Grace. Unluckily for me, it meant she was her usual hyperactive self today.

4) Hannah only puked on me once while the appraiser was here. It could've been worse right?

5) Had the appraiser/friend casually ask exactly how much we need the house to be appraised at in order for us to get the loan for the kitchen. And then said we'd see each other at the big Labor Day party this weekend. It pays to live in a small town apparently. ;)

6) Was thankful Hannah kept falling asleep all morning while watching TV, which meant at least she wasn't puking.

7) Received a phone call from my old company saying they have some per diem tech writing work they'd like me to do, starting after Labor Day. Sweet!

8) Talked to Steve while he was at work and he informed me he had a "surprise" for the girls... a huge plastic drainage pipe he got on site and was bringing home for the girls to use as a tunnel. Fantastic.

9) Obsessively stuck my finger in Hannah's mouth all day, checking to make sure she wasn't dehydrated. (Basically, I'm begging to catch this bug. *sigh*)

10) Got in a screaming match with my dad over the phone and then decided it was easier to just hang up on him.

11) Decided around 7:00 to take Hannah to urgent care because she was still puking, refusing liquids, and acting all glassy eyed and funky.

12) Pried Grace off my leg and felt horrible as I drove away with Grace standing there begging to come with me.

13) Took my mother-in-law with me to help entertain Hannah and keep me company.

14) Got there and mother-in-law managed to get Hannah acting fine, making me look like an idiot for bringing her in.

15) Beamed with pride when Hannah sat there and didn't make a peep when the doctor (whom I know and whom attended my wedding... again with that small town thing) examined her and even swabbed her throat for strep.

16) Was relieved beyond belief when they said they were giving Hannah a shot to stop the vomiting.

17) Felt guilty for being glad they were giving my kid a shot.

18) Mother-in-law almost pissed our pants laughing when they brought in a little basket filled with stickers after Hannah got the shot, to try to calm her down. Hannah went through the basket and picked out about 20 of them, carefully placing the ones she didn't want back into the basket (all 5 of 'em).

19) Mother-in-law shoved 20 aforementioned stickers in my purse, which means I would've been in trouble had they frisked me on the way out. Couldn't... stop... laughing...

20) Nurses offered Hannah a freezie pop which she refused, so mother-in-law and I got her to finally eat it by blowing up a surgical glove, telling Hannah it was a rooster, and telling her she'd better eat the freezie pop or the rooster would. (We acted all of this out, complete with voices.) Couldn't... stop... laughing...

21) Hannah ate the freezie pop. See? It worked.

22) While waiting for the strep test results, entertained restless Hannah by squeezing and tying the "rooster" into various other animals, making us feel like circus clowns...

23) Mother-in-law shoves 2 surgical gloves into my purse (one for each girl) next to the 20 stickers. Seriously, was she trying to get me arrested? Couldn't... stop... laughing...

24) Mother-in-law makes comment about how she hopes they don't have video cameras there. Gee. Ya think? Couldn't... stop... laughing...

25) Wondered when urgent care visits became so much fun. I'm so taking her along on all of the kids' doctor visits.

26) Came home to an already sleeping Grace and got a good 4 ounces of fluid in Hannah before she crashed too.

27) God bless whatever the hell was in that shot.

28) Don't be surprised if my mother-in-law and I are on next week's episode of "America's Most Wanted." Damn theives...

Monday, August 29, 2005

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Monday)...

1) Decided to forego "Playground Day" due to possible rain, and headed to Big Lots instead.

2) Spent $68 on all sorts of things from Dora puzzles, to Pound Puppies, to toilet paper, to a big looped chenelle bathroom mat that we bought because Grace said it looked like a bunch of worms.

3) Grabbed McD's for lunch on the way home, where I ordered Chicken Selects. (Hey, at least it wasn't chicken fries.)

4) Ate the Chicken Selects, complete with buffalo sauce and was rewarded 20 minutes later by another nuclear explosion in the bathroom. (You'd think I'd learn, wouldn't you?)

5) VomitFest 2005 started when Hannah puked all over our sofa.

6) Gave her a bath and cleaned and disinfected the scene of the crime, only to have her repeat her performance in the exact same spot about 30 minutes later. Bath #2.

7) In between vomits, she was pleasant as can be, hyper as hell, and fighting her nap.

8) Grandma to the rescue when she picked up Grace to spend the night in our feeble attempt to keep Grace from catching it.

9) Vomit encore around 3:30, except on me this time. Bath #3, this one complete with a hair washing.

10) FINALLY took a nap and slept until 6:30, which meant her normal bedtime of 8:30 was going to be highly unlikely.

11) Had Steve walk in from work and ask me why I hadn't cleaned up at all since the appraiser is coming tomorrow morning.

12) Kicked him in the nuts and punched him in the face.

13) 7:30PM: Hannah decides she's hungry, having an empty stomach and all, and steals a leftover Chicken Selects off my plate and runs off, taking a good bite or two before I notice and take it away.

14) 9:30 PM: Chicken Select reappears in Hannah's performance of, "I Vomit Like a Champ", performed on the recliner. (What is with her attraction to large, upholstered furniture.)

15) Bath #4, again with a hair washing.

16) 10:00 PM: Apparently, she'd rather deposit the Chicken Select on the playroom rug and does just that.

17) Sorry kid. The bathtub is closed for the evening. It's a soapy washcloth and some scented babywipes this go 'round.

18) 10:30 PM: The star of the show is discovered, asleep in her PBK chair, obviously exhausted.

19) She's placed in her crib on top of numerous towels, with a prayer from her mom that VomitFest 2005 is over. It was fun while it lasted, but I'm kind of over it at this point.

20) Am sitting here wondering if vomit smells will increase the value of our home tomorrow morning for the appraiser.

21) Things to do tomorrow:

  1. Spray lots of heavily scented cleaning products into the air before the apparaiser arrives.
  2. Purchase large vat of Spot Shot and have at it, possibly making Hannah help me.
  3. Thank god that he has allowed this evil bug to pass the rest of the people in the family by. (This is wishful thinking on my part. Play along, will ya?)
  4. Reschedule appointment to take the cat to the vet for bloodwork to check if he's diabetic. Sorry Dr. It ain't happenin' tomorrow.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Sunday)...

1) Managed to pull a muscle in my neck first thing this morning. Son of a b*tch, that hurts!

2) Milked the pulled neck muscle as much as possible, convincing Steve I really needed help getting the girls dressed this morning. [evil grin]

3) Dropped the girls off at Grandma's house for the day, allowing me to come home and do absolutely nothing except eat ice cream, watch movies, and do the nasty with my husband.

4) Trying to "do the nasty" with your husband without moving your head (due to a pulled neck muscle) is not only challenging, but not much fun either.

5) Heard a knock on my door and opened it to find a woman and her 13-year-old son who were looking for the son's deadbeat dad that had lived here before we bought the house from his step-mother, and wanted any information I could give her (which wasn't much).

6) I heard the whole sordid story and we exchanged phone numbers and emails because I've now made it my personal life mission to find the boy's fuckhead father for him.

7) Finally succumbed to the girls' tantrums and whining and let them go outside tonight after a day of pouring down rain, where they were greeted with huge mud puddles and soaking wet toys and swingsets.

8) Didn't care when the girls wanted to strip after getting wet on the above mentioned swing set, and allowed them to disrobe down to their socks, shoes, and underwear/diaper to continue playing outside, making us the true rednecks we are.

9) Felt my heart melt when Hannah grabbed me in a big hug, kissed me, and said, "You're my best friend, Mommy." [sigh]

10) Got a phone call from the guy coming to appraise our house this week and after a few minutes of conversation, discovered that we know each other through a mutual friend, and have, on more than one occasion, been shitfaced together. SCORE!

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Saturday)...

1) Hannah didn't sleep through the night again. Zzzzz...

2) Woke up to two children in good moods for a change. (Thank god for small miracles.)

3) Called the vet first thing this morning and was told Salinger still didn't pee for them so they could check a uring sample.

4) Had Grace ask me very 5 minutes for the next 5 hours if the doctor called yet so we could go get her cat.

5) Cleaned out the entire upstairs kitchen/spare room. Surprisingly, it only took about two hours and now I'm wondering why the hell I let it sit there for the past 4 years, causing many an argument between me and Steve.

6) Hannah decided napping wasn't necessary today. Mommy thought otherwise. Mommy won. (Eventually.)

7) The vet finally called. There were crystals in Salinger's urine, so antibiotics and a switch to special food should fix him up just fine.

8) Also mentioned his blood sugar was elevated. Could be stress related, but now I have to take him back next week for a blood draw to check for diabetes.

9) Realized that if it is diabetes, I have a whole other set of problems since I can't afford what may be involved to keep him alive. :(

10) The Crack Kids were back in full force tonight, allowing me to justify to myself yet again, why I drink.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Friday)...

1) Was up half the night with Hannah, although I'm still not sure why.

2) In my exhausted state in the middle of the night, was crying a little about the cats. Apparently, I like them more than I realized. (Shut up Tracey.)

3) Was woken up at 6:30 AM by Grace who, for some unknown reason, thought we were going to get a puppy today (huh?) and then cried non-stop for an hour when I told her that no, we were absolutely not getting a puppy today.

4) At 7:00, heard Hannah over the monitor, and walked in to find her with her jammie shorts off and all twisted up in her jammie top becuase she was trying to get undressed.

5) Hannah refused to come downstairs (complete with a tantrum) or leave her room until she was fully dressed in a plaid skort and a button-down shirt. The shirt is the key here since she now refuses to wear any shirt without buttons. Freak.

6) Called the vet and made an appointment to take Salinger in on Monday, and was instructed to try to collect a urine sample sometime on Sunday in preparation. Great. Three more days with the poor things locked in the basement.

7) Took the girls to the park where surprisingly, things went rather well.

8) Came home at noon and found a message from the vet saying if I couldn't bring Salinger in today, we'd have to reschedule for Tuesday.

9) Made a bazillion phone calls trying to find someone (anyone would do) to come sit with the girls while I took the cat to the vet, since Hannah had just gone down for her nap.

10) My sister to the rescue. YAHOO! Sisters ROCK!

11) Had to leave Salinger at the vet overnight since I didn't get a urine sample, so there's more guilt (and more friggin' money I don't have).

12) Was informed he'll need his rabies shot and vaccinations while there since he hasn't been to the vet in five years and there have been cases of rabid bats in the county this year. (Um, yeah. AND?) More money... *sigh*

13) Came home to two children who decided that fighting with each other was their best form of entertainment today.

14) Went to my mother-in-law's for pizza, where my children consumed no real dinner, but found room for literally about 10 popsicles each and a package of gummy candy.

15) Left at 8:00 with two filthy, barefooted, sugar-jacked, overtired children.

16) Placed about 18 old waterproof diaper pads under Steve's sheets to protect the mattress before letting Cooter out of the basement (in case we're wrong about which cat is the Phantom Bed Pisser).

17) Missed three phone calls from a friend I had told to call me today because I swore I wasn't going anywhere other than the park this morning. (Sorry. *sigh*)

18) Am thanking god for beer right now.

19) And Marlboros.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Thursday)...

1) It took me a good 4 hours this morning to get motivated enough to um, like move.

2) Was informed by the woman at the notary office that the husband of the notary lady in the next town over burned her house/office down, as well as the car and the dogs in the house and will be in jail for a long time. Not really sure why she thought I cared.

3) Bought a lavendar graphic t-shirt that says "Boys Smell".

4) Lunch. Burger King. Chicken Fries. *sigh*

5) Had a friend call and leave me a voice mail where I swear to god, I thought someone died because of the way she sounded. Yeah, um, no one died.

6) Literally sobbed when I saw Grace's little face when she saw Daddy locking her beloved Salinger (our cat) in basement because he pissed on Steve's bed again. :(

7) Laughed when 10 minutes later she said, "Hey. How about if Salinger lives down there, and we get a puppy that can live up here." Little shit.

8) Regret telling the girls that tomorrow is "Playground Day." I really need to stop doing that so far in advance.

9) Ate some Nerds. Nerds rock.

10) Managed to ignore about half of the things on my To Do list rather successfully.

11) Just realized I have no bed pillow to sleep on tonight. Shit.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Wednesday)...

1. Felt like shit when I sent Grace off to daycare screaming and crying and really upset.

2. Got over it fairly quickly once I walked back into the house and was slapped in the face by... complete silence. Ahhhh....

3. Had flashbacks of Jr. High when a rather ridiculous and slightly immature discussion (in my opinion) took place on one of my internet boards.

4. Ate stromboli at 10:30 this morning. Because I was hungry, dammit.

5. Spent too much money on scrapbooking supplies. At least it's a hobby, right?

6. Wondered at what point they stopped making "Moon Boots." Those things rocked!

7. My dinner consisted of one large T-bone steak smothered in Worcestershire sauce and some beer. Who needs side dishes anyway?

8. I really feel like I could puke right now.

9. Sex on just a boxspring? Um, yeah. Not so much fun.

10. At least one of us ended up satisfied by the above event.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

20 Things Emily's Making Me List So She Doesn't Feel Like the Only Loser... =)

1. I still (often) pick my nose.

2. I have two teeth that are completely cracked in half and so everything I eat somehow ends up stuck in them. If I don't have a toothpick with me, I will obsess about getting it unstuck to the point where I will shove anything in my mouth if there's a chance I can use it to dig out the food.

3. Lesbian porn turns me on way more than heterosexual porn. (Although, I don't think this is very unusual.)

4. As much as I like looking at lesbians, I'm not attracted to the whole idea of it in real life and if a chick every made a pass at me, I'd probably run screaming from the room while peeing myself. (Just because I wouldn't know what the hell to do with another chick. I don't like most other chicks. LOL!)

5. Until I joined some internet boards, I could literally count on one hand, the number of female friends I had. Now I want to know why the hell none of the cool chicks live anywhere near me in real life. Life is cruel, I tell ya.

6. I gained 50 pounds my first three months of college and when I came home on Christmas break, rumors started circulating that I was pregnant.

7. I've never done any hard drugs because I'm always afraid I'll be the freak that ODs and dies.

8. I wish my sister and I were close like we used to be, but since she's never going to have children, I fear that we'll just keep on growing apart because we have nothing to talk about.

9. I've been pregnant three times, but only have two kids.

10. I used to be obsessed with hobo clowns growing up and sent away for information on Ringling Bros. Barnum & Bailey Circus School when I was in high school because I was seriously considering becoming a clown.

11. I truly believe one of the main reasons I still smoke is because it's my excuse to walk outside several times throughout the day and "escape" from my children for 5 minutes.

12. I have no idea how many guys I've had sex with because I lost count at some point, and frankly, I really don't care.

13. I get serious heebie jeebies from the noise made when you tape up packages using those packing tape rollers. [shudder]

14. I cannot stand the smell of flowers because it reminds me of old lady's crotches. There's no logic there, since I've never actually sniffed an old woman's crotch. But in my warped head, floral scent = ancient vagina.

15. I am unusally attracted to older men. Not wrinkly and half-crippled old. Just distinguished and gray-haired old (like Steve Martin).

16. I really do dislike dogs for those of you who are wondering if I'm just trying to be funny.

17. I use a red pen to circle grammatical errors I find in newspapers and magazines and have no idea why since it's not like the writer can do anything about it at that point.

18. I am the most indecisive person you will ever meet in your life.

19. I HATE snobs. (You know who you are.)

20. I once got a brief glimpse of my father-in-law's penis.

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Tuesday)...

1) Was a bit disturbed with myself when I drove past a construction worker wearing black spandex shorts under really short cutoff jeans and no shirt and felt the slightest hint of a horny twinge. Ewwww!

2) Wondered if I'm the only mother on the face of the planet that actually argues with her 2-year-old.

3) Accidentally brushed a state trooper's ass with the back of my hand when I tried to squeeze between him and his cop car at the gas station.

4) Figured that the fact that I was braless (in support of Emily's bra ban) when I brushed his ass probably helped me not get arrested for assaulting a police officer or sexual harrassment.

5) Decided that Steve is the most aggrevating person on the planet to grocery shop with. "Dude, PICK A FUCKING PASTRY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!" and the fact that it takes (literally) 20 minutes for you to get through the vegetable and fruit aisle is a problem. Bananas, cucumbers, lettuce, apples, and strawberries. Grab 'em and let's go!

6) Almost bitch slapped the woman in line behind us in the store when she threw the little divider bar up onto the register belt and started unloading her cart WAY before I had finished unloading ours. "Excuse me ma'am... where would you like me to put these three 12-packs of Cherry Coke? How about up your goddamn fat ass since you've left me no room on the conveyor belt!" [shaking head in disbelief]

7) Upon paying for the groceries, Steve exclaimed that he can't understand why every trip he makes to the grocery store costs him close to $300. "Gee hon. I don't suppose those replacement toothbrush heads for your electric toothbrush that cost you eighteen fucking dollars had anything to do with it, do you?" Jesus...

8) Realized I curse way too much in writing.

9) Pocketed the dollar bill that the little boy who had ridden the mechanical car at the grocery store ahead of Hannah had left in the seat.

10) Got busted by the boy's mother. Yeah, um, not one of my prouder moments. (I felt like Emily today.)

11) Laughed my ass off when a newborn baby was crying on "House" tonight and Hannah looked at us and said, "The baby's crying. [pause] Because he wants to go shopping." Um, gee, you're not a typical girl, are you? (God help me.)

12) Couldn't get Grace to pee before going to bed until I made up some stupid song about peeing in a tree and getting stung by a bee while drinking some tea in my Indian teepee. *sigh*

13) Realized I'm really glad there are no hidden cameras in my home (of which I am aware) because I assure you, I'd be committed.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Monday)...

1) Laughed my ass off when Grace saw a vending machine for live bait outside the general store and said, "Hey Mommy, I think fish come out of this thing."

2) Bought the girls penny candy that the cashier put into little brown paper bags, just like back in the good ol' days. Small towns ROCK!

3) Discovered that Steve didn't sleep on the floor after all last night, but instead, slept right on the boxspring. He said he slept better than ever before and plans to continue to sleep just on the boxspring for awhile.

4) Decided I won't be sleeping with my husband for quite a while. (Freak.)

5) Snuck out of the house to walk across the street and get the mail. Walked back in to find that Hannah had been crying and Grace had a tissue and was wiping Hannah's nose. Hannah looked right at me and said, "Gracie scratched me!" Grace got all annoyed, got in Hannah's face, and yelled her, "It was supposed to be a secret, DORK!" I was laughing too hard to yell at her for scratching Hannah. God help me and God help my children...

6) Stood in awe as I watched Grace take one of my flip-flops and throw it at the ceiling, trying to kill a fly that was up there. She hit the fucker and killed it! Rock on sister! (She may end up being a hunter after all...)

7) Took the girls to my parents after dinner so they could run around outside. It was my feeble attempt to tire them out for bedtime. However, they decided that all they wanted was for me to push them up and down the street in their double stroller, thereby only tiring me out. Damn kids...

8) Wondered why the hell I don't give the girls their baths seperately. It truly is a hellish experience every night and yet, I continue to torture myself and refuse to bathe them seperately. Because I'm stupid like that.

9) Ate popcorn and chocolate peanut butter ice cream for dinner. Because I'm cool like that.

10) Had a small emergency when Grace got a piece of sand in her eye and I had to straddle her, force her eye open and flush it out with my saline solution. Just call me Dr. Lienhard.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Sunday)...

1) Hannah woke up at 5:00 AM. Thanks kiddo. Thanks a lot. [Son of a B*#@!!!]

2) By 6:00 AM, Grace was up too, and Hannah hit Grace over the head with her step stool while Grace was going to the bathroom. I'm still not really sure why. [Son of a B*#@!!!]

3) We were out of coffee, so I had to wait 2.5 hours until Steve woke up so one of us could run to the gas station and get us some. NOT a happy camper... [Son of a B*#@!!!]

4) Cleaned out the inside of my car with crazy detail, including scraping the goo out of all of the crevices with a toothpick. It has never been so clean...

5) While I was cleaning out the car, Grace and Hannah dumped three bottles of paint all over the wooden deck railing and smeared it around. [Son of a B*#@!!!]

6) The girls then spent an hour playing in their sandbox. But since they were wet from Steve squirting them with the hose, and therefore causing 8 billion grains of sand to stick to them, I had to strip them naked and hose them down before even letting them back into the house and then still had to throw them in the tub to get it out of their hair. [Son of a B*#@!!!]

7) Wasted three hours of kid-free time today on my fat ass on the couch, watching a golf tournament with Steve when I could've been doing soooo many other things. [Son of a B*#@!!!]

8) Picked up a few things at the grocery store, but forgot milk, so now I'll have to take both girls with me to the gas station in the morning, which is a royal pain-in-the-ass.[Son of a B*#@!!!]

9) Had to deal with two miserable, overtired children this evening, which is always such a joy. [Son of a B*#@!!!]

10) Steve went up to bed to find that our fucking cat had pissed all over Steve's bed, soaking everything, including both of his pillows and his mattress. All bedding, pillows, and the mattress itself are currently in our backyard (um, Steve wasn't too happy), and we've decided that we really need to just get rid him (the cat). He hates people, doesn't come around us ever, and pisses and pukes on things on a daily basis. We're done. Anyone want a cat named Cooter? Because he'll be gone by this weekend one way or another. [Son of a B*#@!!!]

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Saturday)...

1) Secretly turned Steve's alarm off last night after he was sleeping because I didn't want him waking up at 5 AM to start sawing through the wall.

2) Played dumb this morning when he tried to figure out why his alarm didn't go off.

3) Was pleasantly surprised when the wall was knocked down with little to no mess in the room that we're actually using right now (as compared to the "kitchen", which we're not).

4) Went to my mother-in-law's house once to let her dog out. I don't think he peed. I never went back again, but if she asks, I will swear on my grandmother's grave that I did.

5) Noticed I'm quite the little liar today.

6) Ate a toasted meatball sub from Subway at 10:00 this morning. OINK!

7) Dozed off this afternoon to wake up and find that Grace had washed all of the dishes that were in the bathroom sink. At least one of us got something done today.

8) Took the girls to a local carnival. It was Hannah's first time at a carnival or on any rides.

9) Almost puked when I took Grace on The Scrambler.

10) Hannah has an obsession with merry-go-rounds. She literally went on the damn thing at least 20 times.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Friday)...

1) Cleaned most of the downstairs of my home. Yay. Fun.

2) Filled the damn ice cube trays. I know! I know! But the rest of the house was clean, and they where just sitting there, beckoning to me... "Please fill me!... Please fill me!..." in an eerie voice. [hanging head in defeat]

3) Checked my bank account online and saw that my little "mistake" at the post office yesterday which resulted in two seperate transactions has cost me $62 in overdraft fees instead of the $31 it would have been if I had paid for everything at once. *sigh*

4) Stupid, fucking crook banks.

5) Conversation at gas station:

Me to Cashier: "Give me a tin of Copenhagen chew please. (It was for Steve.) The one with the gold lid."
Cashier: "No. It's the silver lid."
Me: "Huh? No. I'm pretty sure it's the gold."
Cashier: "No it's not. Trust me. You can never remember. It's the silver one."
Me: "Um, ok. Give me silver."

She was right.

6) Wasn't sure whether to be impressed or slightly disturbed that she knows what kind of chew Steve likes. Hmmmm...

7) Received a phone call from Steve asking if I'd like him to bring me home anything from Crazy Jake's BBQ Pit (a guy set up in a gas station parking lot). I HATE BBQ sauce and Steve knows that, but at least by making the phone call, he could come home without food for me minus any guilt. Smart little bastard.

8) Received another phone call from Steve who later had the girls up at my father-in-law's house... "Well, the girls just saw their first real live bear. There's one in my dad's backyard now." Um, that's fucking great Steve. Can you please make sure the children stay inside the garage? For the love of....

9) Steve and the girls arrived home about 20 minutes later because Steve said my father-in-law's girlfriend (who is usually drunk and whom everyone suspects snorts coke) kept taking the girls over to the garden, which is literally only about 30 feet from the feeder where the bear was hanging out. Um, hello! A leetle too comfortable with your Smokey the Bear friend, don't ya think? So Steve (smartly) put the girls in the car and headed home.

10) Have decided I HATE the select-a-size paper towels. I never only need one section, but one section is all that ever comes off at a time when I try to rip them. Stupid bastard paper towel companies... Grumble... grumble...

11) I think I promised my mother-in-law I'd go to her house twice tomorrow to let her dog out while they're at the Renaissance Fair for the day. But it was over the phone and the kids were fighting and I was only half listening so I'm not really sure. I do know I have no clue what times she told me to go there. Dammit. I suck.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Thursday)...

1) Wondered what the hell happened to Unkymoods. *sigh*

2) Wondered why the hell there aren't any other cool mood indicator/icon sites on the entire web.

3) Guilted myself into getting a salad today for lunch instead of chicken fries (which is what I really wanted).

4) Decided I can't have daytime sex anymore, because I just laugh the whole time anyway.

5) Ordered a window for the kitchen. Could it be? Are we actually going to see some progress on the damn room? (It looks just like the one in this picture actually. Um, I think.)

6) Went to the post office to mail a package and realized I had taped the address INSIDE of the box along with the clothing I was sending.

7) Had post office employee laugh at me hysterically when I asked for a sharp object to cut the package back open and retrieve the address. (Whatever, freak with the funky eyebrow barbell thingy.)

8) Due to the above incident, decided that I am indeed, fucking retarded.

9) Just watched a full hour of "Antiques Roadshow," and for the life of me, cannot figure out why.

10) Realized I have a slight crush on Drew Carey.

11) Had Steve inform me he'll be knocking down the wall between the kitchen and the playroom this weekend. Hey, thanks for the notice Buddy. That gives me plenty of time to prepare for inches of plaster dust coating every surface and object in our home. *sigh*

12) Have been burping up garlic & herb rice for about 2 hours now. I hate that, dammit!

13) Drank a few floatees in my beer.

14) Have decided an Ice Cube Tray Standoff is in order. There are only 3 cubes left in the last tray in the freezer. I refuse to fill the three empty ones sitting out on our windowsill. I want to see how long it takes until Steve fills them. I will win dammit.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

This is for Katherine...

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Wednesday)...

1) 1:00 AM: Finally made myself go to bed.

2) 1:30 AM: Grace wakes me, telling me she just peed in bed. (Keep in mind her bed is also my bed. *sigh*).

3) Ate about 10 store-bought, soft as all hell sugar cookies for breakfast. Niiiice.

4) Ate more BK chicken fries for lunch. [blush] But I was starving!... And BK is right next to the grocery store where I had just been!.... And it was on my way home!.... And... and...

5) Had a small atomic bomb come flying out of my ass in the bathroom about an hour after eating them.

6) I swear I think I found God while sitting on that toilet. Holy.....

7) Laughed at a poor friend of mine who had her crotch examined and then got pulled over and given a sobriety test afterwards. Sorry Sunshine, but it is funny whether you want to admit it or not.

8) Had a girl who was all of about 22-years-old call me "Hon." Only people older than you and people who want to screw you call you Hon. So she's either 45 and has a really good plastic surgeon, or she did, indeed want to screw me. I should find her again tomorrow...

9) Finished my book. It was pretty good. Getting ready to start another one.

10) Was called "street smart" in a poll. I almost pissed myself laughing. Street smart? ME? Yeah, maybe if we're talking about Sesame Street...

11) Realized I have beepaphobia. Whenever I swipe my credit/debit card while making a purchase, I freak out when it beeps because I just know it's going to say it's denied. Oh, the humiliation...

12) Had a beepaphobia attack at Giant grocery store, and was relieved to see the little screen just said "Processing..." and then "Approved".

13) Told the cashier about my fear and she looked at me like I was fucking retarded.

14) Left the store wondering if I am fucking retarded.

15) And finally, a note to Steve:
  1. Use the last ice cube in the tray.
  2. Fill the now empty ice cube tray with water.
  3. Return ice cube tray to freezer.

Is that sooooo fucking hard? Dammit to hell!!!

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Tuesday)...

1) Went to the grocery store this AM to buy a roast for dinner tonight. I was pleasantly surprised to find they were Buy 1 Get 1 Free. You know, you can never have two many bigass hunks of red meat in the house.

2) Smiled to myself when while driving, saw an old man in his front yard, sticking a run-of-the-mill small child's pinwheel into a stump and then "testing" it by spinning it with his finger. Old people rock!

3) Saw a large dead trout in the middle of the street. "Dude, you are way lost!"

4) Actually said the above statement out loud, causing me to wonder if I am, indeed, freakin' nuts.

5) Resisted the urge about 50 billion times to lift the lid of the crockpot to get a good strong whiff of the roast while it was cooking.

6) Wondered if I'm the only person who does judge a book by its cover, even though the old saying advises otherwise.

7) My fatass cat was constipated today, resulting in various cat puke piles throughout the house and some cat shit in inappropriate places.

8) Kept smelling cat shit after cleaning it up, and 6 hours later, finally found some more in the girls' toybox. Stupid bastard cat! (And the toy box? What the hell is that all about?)

9) Am not happy I will spend tomorrow morning taking every toy out of the toy box to wash and Lysol the suckers.

10) Got somewhat engrossed in a book a friend gave me. It's sooo not something I'd normally read, but so far, it's pretty good.

11) The roast was indeed as good as it smelled. (Thanks Terrie!)

12) Was a combination of both amused and disturbed when I caught Steve glued to the TV, completely enthralled by the Teen Choice Awards tonight. Um, yeah. Whatever dude.

13) Just laughed when spellcheck told me to replace "freakin'" with "foreskin".

14) Decided I not only want a tattoo, but also wouldn't mind having a little piece of Chris Nunez from "Miami Ink". (The one in the back on the right.)

Monday, August 15, 2005

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Monday)...

1) Woke to find we had power, but still no cable. Had a slight panic attack thinking about what the hell I was going to do with the kids all day.

2) Breathed a huge sigh of relief when it came back on about an hour later.

3) Was slightly offended when my mom called to tell me they had gotten back to their house after Hershey and said Grace didn't want to come home and instead, wanted to sleep over there tonight. Hey, I missed you too, you little shit...

4) Had to fight every ounce of my being not to get in a fist fight with Hannah when she wanted my last beef stick (which was supposed to be my lunch).

5) Ate chocolate peanut butter ice cream with chocolate syrup instead.

6) Laughed out loud when I read "Keep Frozen" on the side of the ice cream carton. Um... duh.

7) Got pissed off at Steve when I discovered he had left to run errands, taking my Altoids with him. What the hell? Does that man have NO concept of addiction? Dickbag.

8) Wondered how it is that a two-year-old who won't eat "normal" things like mac & cheese and peanut butter sandwiches will eat an entire adult-sized meal of shrimp scampi and then beg for more. God bless her future boyfriends. That girl's got some fancy taste.

9) Conversation with Grace (which thankfully, didn't involve any sort of vibrating object)...
[I had just passed gas, but didn't say anything since the girls were the only other two people in the room.]
Grace: Hey Mom, go in the other room where daddy is watching TV.
Me: Why?
Grace: Because then you can stink up that whole room! Geez, woman! Your butt stinks!

Um, "woman"? Thank you Miss I'm-4-Going-On-18. Jesus!

10) Almost pissed myself when Grace announced to me out of the blue, that she was going to start calling Hannah "Crazy Lienhard". Hey girlfriend, knock your socks off.

11) Was changing Hannah's diaper when I swear on all things holy, she started singing, "Bad boys! Bad boys! Whatcha gonna do?" What... the... hell? Damn that Grace teaching her sister things.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Sunday)...

1) Sent Grace with my parents this morning for a day and night of fun at Hershey Park and the hotel afterwards after lecturing her about getting lost and putting a note in her pocket that says her name and my parents' name. (Paranoid perhaps?)

2) Watched sadly as Hannah cried to go with them. :(

3) Got a buttload of stuff done around the house. Every room now smells like vanilla, citrus, spring showers, and/or cinnamon.

4) NO chicken fries today! NO chicken fries! (I had shrimp scrampi instead.)

5) Lost power because of a stupid thunderstorm at 8:00 last night. ARG!

6) Realized all of the things I miss when I don't have power (the microwave, going to the bathroom, being able to see, not sweating our asses off, etc....).

7) Called the electric company and was told that midnight was the estimated date of when our power would be back on.

8) Was awake at 4:30 this morning when the power finally did come back on.

9) Called the electric company "lying bastards" in my head and hoped everything in the refrigerator was still OK to eat.

10) Suffered from serious internet withdrawl and started typing on the keyboard at one point in the dark, just to hear the comforting "clack clack" of the keys.

11) Laughed my ass off at Hannah, who refused to speak louder than a whisper once the lights went out. We kept telling her to talk and to even scream, but she wouldn't. Little freak.

12) Bought a new moon chair for the playroom and then fought with Hannah because we both wanted to sit in it.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Saturday)...

1) Took the girls swimming at my aunt and uncle's house this morning at 10:00AM. They weren't home, so I pretended we lived there. (And yes, I'm aware this picture is disturbing, but the photograpy itself is fantastic.)

2) Had both girls decide to get on rafts and fall in the pool at the same time, neither wearing their life jackets at the time, causing me to have to "rescue" them both at the same time. Thanks girls. Thanks a lot.

3) Beamed with pride when a little bug bit Hannah and Grace started yelling at it, "HEY! Don't bite my sister! Go bite somebody your own size, ya big bully!" LOL!

4) OK. This is where earlier I had written that I did not have chicken fries today. But I took the girls swimming again tonight and on the way home, Grace begged for "those long chicken things you ate yesterday Mommy." Dammit. Day #6 and counting. [sigh]

5) Bought another big bag of beef sticks. YEEHAW! Life is good.

6) Noted how motorcyclists all travel in packs of about 40 and consider themselves one big "unit" while driving (like at stop signs, stop lights, etc.). Why is that?

7) Considered moseying over to "Bike Night in the Park" in Lehighton, but decided that getting my assed kicked by some big biker chick wasn't something I wanted to do.

8) Spent the afternoon assembling (with Steve) a huge shelving unit for they playroom that we got from Grace's godfather when he sold his store. Now when she begs me to go to Wal*Mart, I can point her in the direction of the playroom and tell her to practice her pretending skills.

9) Came downstairs to find Hannah had dumped an entire box of Rice Krispies all over the playroom carpet. Snap Crackle Pop this you damn little elves.

10) Conversation between Grace and Steve this morning:

Grace: Daddy, what's that thing Mommy has in her bedroom? (She meant my
Steve: What thing?
Grace: That thing that blows bubbles. (I don't know WHY she thinks it blows
Steve: Um, that's for big people.
Grace: But what do you do with it?
Steve: Um, nothing. It's just for sitting there. [LMAO!]
Grace: Well, can you like throw it?
Steve: Sure. You can throw it. But it's really just for sitting
Grace: When I get bigger I can have one too?
Steve: Yeah. Um, sure.

11) Figured Grace will either grow up and become addicted to vibrators, or will grow up and need serious therapy after having nightmares for years about neon green and orange, bendable, three-speed waterproof penis-shaped objects.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Friday)...

1) Went to the park first thing this morning (not the goose park) and ended up "babysitting" 2 boys in addition to my own children because the grandmother (I assume) was too busy reading a book way at the other end of the park. (The park takes up a whole block.) Yeah. Thanks, ya old hag.

2) Walked across the street from the park to a yardsale some lady was having. She told me she had worked for the carnival for years. It was obvious.

3) Hannah picked a Dora book at the yardsale, which for some reason, she has become rather attached to, and is cuddling with it in her sleep at this very moment. (Freak.)

4) Ate um, chicken fries again for lunch. But it wasn't my fault, dammit! I suggested McDonald's when we left the park, but the girls wanted the Care Bear kids' meal toys at Burger King. I swear!

5) Was embarrassed when the drive-thru girl was the same drive-thru girl from the past 3 days and she has got to think I have issues at this point.

6) My old company has come crawling back, begging me to do some work for them again. Mwaahaaahaa!

7) Um, ok. So really they just sent me an email asking if I was available for work and if I'd like them to "send some my way," but let's pretend they groveled, OK?

8) Squeezed my fat ass into my swimsuit for the first time (in front of other people) since last summer. DAMN those f*cking chicken fries. *sigh*

9) Grace drew me the best picture today of her and I holding hands and then drew one of her and Steve wearing their matching golf visors. I love that kid...

10) Sex. Sex is good. (Well, tonight's was anyway. Other nights it sucks.)

11) Took my new cell phone to the park with me and at one point, realized I had somehow dialed myself and had a 10-minute long voice mail to myself talking to the carnival freak having the yardsale. I'm so not cool. *sigh*

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Thursday)...

1) Got a whopping 3.5 hours of sleep because Hannah's apparently on a sleep strike this week and has decided that 3:30 AM is a fine time for running around like a maniac. Zzzzz....

2) Ate Burger King Chicken Fries for the third (or fourth?) day in a row. I need help. Serious, serious help.

3) Finally got myself a cell phone. It's been years and it was time. I didn't activate it or anything though. I just want to look cool like everyone else.

4) Had a "Bad Mommy Moment" when instead of taking the girls to the playground tonight (which they really, really wanted to do and I really, really didn't), I outright told them I'd take them to the store instead where they could each pick a new toy. Yeah, I know. I suck. So sue me. I was tired.

5) And as if one Bad Mommy Moment isn't enough... Here's a conversation with Grace this evening as she spied my vibrator and picked it up (It's always hidden in my drawer, but tonight it was out b/c one of the batteries had fallen out and rolled under the dresser and I left it out so I'd see it and remember to find the batttery.)

Grace: What's this mommy?
Me (not missing a beat): Oh, um, nothing. That's just something big people use.
Grace: What's it do?
Me: Er, um, nothing.
Grace: Does it blow bubbles?
Me: Er, um, not really.
Grace: So what's it do?
Grace: One day Daddy will tell me?
Me: Er, um, sure. Yeah. That sounds good.... {awkward pause} Soooo... let's go check out those new toys we got for your bath, huh?
Jesus H. Christmas...

6) Bought the Lifehouse CD. Good stuff. I'm diggin' it.

7) Wondered if people still say "diggin' it." I'm guessing no.

8) Have myself 99.9% convinced I have invisible mosquitos in my home.

9) Just dumped about 25 Nilla Wafers in a bowl, dumped Hershey's chocolate syrup on them, and every last one of 'em. I'm either an effin' pig or I'm pregnant.

10) I'm not pregnant.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Wednesday)...

1) Woke up this morning as my mom was pulling in my driveway to pick up the girls for daycare. DAMMIT! I hate starting the morning like that.

2) Scratched a bug bite on my temple, accidentally scratching it open. I am such a hottie these days. *sigh*

3) Managed to displace my anger and stress quite successfully throughout the day today. Yay me! Taking it out on someone else is always quite satisfying.

4) Ate fast food for the third day in a row. I can hear my thighs jiggling. (But those damn Chicken Fries from Burger King are so good.)

5) Realized that noon isn't really the best time to go through a fast-food restaurant's drive-thru if you're looking to avoid a line of cars. Um, duh.

6) Figured out in my head what kind of tattoo I want, but now can't figure out how to get it on paper to show someone who can actually give it to me.

7) Wondered at what age old women "make the jump" into wearing "old lady shirts." You know the ones. The polyester numbers with large floral patterns, big collars, and buttons up the front.

8) Wondered if other people get frustrated when trying to fold a fitted bed sheet and just end up wadding it up in a ball and shoving it in the linen closet like I do.

9) Nachos with salsa con queso. Mmmmm...

10) Watched Grace stick her hand up her skirt to scratch her "goods" and then walk over to me, put her finger under my nose and tell me to "Sniff her finger." I swear to god people I don't know what possesses her to do these things.

11) Returned to the park where the goose assassination took place earlier this week. On Monday, there were about 10 geese (after the assissination). Tonight, there were only 6. Hmmm... either the rogue cop has been exceeding his permit allowance or some of the stupid bastards got wise and flew the coop.

12) Would like to personally thank my college roommate, Lizard Bitch, for introducing me to parmasian popcorn... the most fantastic snack food on the face of the planet.

13) Contemplated starting a non-profit organization dedicated to buying all of the women of the world at least one vibrator in order to improve their sex lives with their partners (or themselves... whichever applies). There really is no better sex than sex involving something with batteries.

14) Walked into the playroom today and found Hannah on top of the play kitchen, yelling like a banshee and then jumping off. What the hell is wrong with my kids?

15) Decided the age old saying of "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em," couldn't be a more correct statement and am therefore, calling my old crack dealer in the morning to see if the girls and I can get some sort of bulk discount or something.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Tuesday)...

1) My girl friend told me I have nice boobs. =)

2) Hannah slept until 8:30. (We won't mention how she was up from 3:30 AM to 5:00 AM. We're looking on the bright side of things today.)

3) Realized I sometimes truly forget the importance of my relationship with coffee.

4) Continued to be highly amused at the fact that Hannah truly believes that Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street are one "being". She calls them "Bernie". If you point to either one and ask her who it is, she says "Bernie!" If she sees a picture of them together, she yells, "It's Bernie!"

5) Was unusually proud of women in general when I found out that a chick was landing the shuttle this morning. Take that People with Penises!

6) Had a really hard time not laughing when Hannah got pissed off and threw her shopping cart halfway across the room in true Mr. T fashion.

7) Saw an old woman (we're talking gray hair, folks) at Wal*Mart with a tattoo of a dimented clown on her calf and wondered what age she was when she got it, what the hell possessed her to get it, and what it represented.

8) Was a bit exasperated when I saw the Crack Kids were back in action. [Heavy Sigh]

9) The playroom TV suddenly works again. Thank god for small miracles.

10) Just ate some hot bologna. I laugh everytime I eat some.

11) Talked catty with Steve about some of my friends and wasn't ashamed. I'm a bitch and I can't help it.

12) Felt guilty about being somewhat relieved that both girls are heading off to daycare in the morning. I have a 7:00 AM date with some coffee, Good Morning America, and the new book I just bought. Ahhhh....