Saturday, December 30, 2006


More random thoughts, just because so much has been going on...

I finally succumbed and went to the medical center today to get checked out. I hate doctors and I hate pumping myself full of drugs, so I was avoiding it. But Hannah's sick now too and I had to take her there anyway, so I figured, I'd get myself checked out too. I was tired of not being able to breathe, smell, sleep, taste, etc. Done. So we went, and as I suspected, I had a killer sinus infection. Hannah's hasn't reached that point yet, but her one ear was starting to look red, so they gave us both antibiotics.

Lemme tell you... I popped one of those damn pills the second I had paid for 'em. Must... breathe... again...


Our friend called around 4:30 and said her, her husband, and their two sons wanted to stop by the house tonight to check out the girls new gifts and visit. I explained Hannah and I were sick and said that it was their choice if they wanted to chance entering Germville or not.

I hung up and then had a marathon cleaning session to get the house looking and smelling somewhat presentable.

They did show up. At 7:45. Twenty minutes before I was going to try to get the girls to bed. [sigh] And this is the girl that NEVER leaves the house once she's here.... The one that calls to invite herself over for a playdate and then stays through dinner and goes home around 9:00. [double sigh]

They left around 9:00 after Hannah was visibly exhausted and ready to crash and her older son had started standing on the BACK of the couch. G'night my friends...


I keep forgetting to mention this...

So, the sister-in-law that I sort of make fun of that ALWAYS wears khakis and plain colored shirts? Yeah. So my mother-in-law went shopping with her on Black Friday and my mother-in-law told me that she had told SIL to pick a sweater out for Christmas. (SIL is pretty picky (and snobby) about her clothing, so MIL is always hesitant to buy her things.) MIL goes on to say that SIL finds a sweater in the store and says, "I really like this one. How about this?" Well, it turns out that my MIL had bought me the EXACT same sweater for Christmas the week before, but in a different color. Oy. I have mixed feelings about this. It's a very nice sweater. It really is. Classic... brown... comfy. But dear lord, the girl I make fun of for her clothing hand-picked the same damn sweater out of an entire store filled with sweaters. Shit. LOL! (I'm also a little annoyed because I liked the color my SIL got more. LOL!)

So y'all realize that I can never wear that sweater to any event or gathering where my SIL may also be. What if she would decide to wear hers that night? I mean, how queer would that be to show up in matching sweaters? LOL! Ugh. If I start wearing khaki pants everywhere I go, someone shoot me, OK?


I'm sick of crafts. Kid crafts I mean. Grace seriously got every damn craft set available in stores for Christmas. That's a good thing. She loves anything crafty or artsy. Cutting, gluing, drawing, coloring, painting, etc. She's in her element when she's doing that shit. But um, Mommy's had craft overload. She can do most of the stuff by herself for the most part. But there's always at least 2 or 3 steps that she needs help with. Which is fine. But when I'm in the middle of trying to reclaim my home from all the damn toys and Christmas decorations, it's also kind of inconvenient. And if I have to wipe up one more glob of glue, paint, glitter, or that damn effing sand, I may lose it. LOL!


And on that note...

Gerald Ford.... R.I.P.
James Brown.... R.I.P.
Saddam Hussein... Burn in hell you mother fucker.

G'night. :)

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Open Letter....

Dear Mother-in-Law (AKA, "Shrub Shitter"),

Although we all appreciate your kindness in buying my children very nice presents for Christmas, you really could've held off on the sand art kit. See, trying to get a three-year-old and a five-year-old to dump colored sand out of tiny little baggies and into tiny little bottles using a tiny little funnel is no easy task. I must say that Grace loves it and she does pretty well with it. Hannah, on the other hand, is another story. See, she sees nothing wrong with recreating a sandbox on our table. Frankly, fine, hot pink grains of sand is not something I want all over my house.

So um, next time, when I tell you before a gift-giving occasion NOT to buy anything involving sand or hundreds of small beads, could you, um listen? For the love of god, I would've preferred the beads.


Wednesday, December 27, 2006


It's almost 11:00 here and I'm not quite tired enough to go to bed yet, and I have nothing else to do, so I'm just going to ramble.

Wanna see some of the stuff I made for people for Christmas? OK. Probably not. LOL! But I'm gonna show you anyway. ;)

Here are the ornaments I made for everyone. They weren't that hard to do. The wood was precut into the shapes. I just printed out some digital scrapbooking stuff I did and then used ModPodge (like decoupage glue) to put them on the shapes. Sand all of the edges, add some twisted wire and a bow or two, and you're done. (The two boys on the mitten shapes are my two nephews. I figured my SIL would rather have pictures of her own kids on her ornaments than mine. LOL!)

Here are the CD calendars I made for a few people. And this wasn't my idea at all. It's a pretty common thing among digital scrapbookers. I just scrapped a page for each month of the year. Then you take a regular plastic jewel case for a CD, snap it backwards, and use it like an easel to hold each month's page. (One is in the "easel" in thefirst picture (upper left-hand corner).) My sister, my dad, my FIL, and my MIL all got one for their desks.

I also made my sister this cool tray/wall hanging thing using pictures of her two dogs (which are her "kids"). I do have some pictures of it, but they're on my other computer (which isn't turned on right now), so you'll have to wait until tomorrow to see those. I made her a cool clipboard/picture frame too, but I forgot to take a picture of it before I wrapped it, so you'll just have to go through life never seeing it, which I'm sure is devastating for some of you. ;)


So other than that stuff, let's see what else is new:

**I still can't fucking breathe (because of the abundance of snot), which is getting kind of old.

** I got a new digital camera from my mom for Christmas, which has me all sorts of giddy. :)

** My mom and I took the girls to see "Charlotte's Web" today. Highly recommend it! Really cute and I'm not ashamed (OK... maybe a little) to admit that I got a little teary at the end when a certain main character kicked the bucket after giving birth to her 500+ babies.

** Steve is (finally) starting not to feel so well and has hinted that if he's still feeling like shit tomorrow, he won't be going to work OR hunting. Shit. [sigh]

** Twenty bucks says that if he does stay home, he'll lie around all day, watching movies and not doing anything. That's not a problem with me at all, but it would be nice if, for once, he'd acknowledge that I've felt like shit for over a week now and still managed to get everything ready for Christmas, including buying and wrapping presents, making presents, taking the girls to various Christmas-related events, and preparing food for 20+ people, all while also taking care of our two children. Seriously... when the hell does mom get to be sick and just stay in bed all day, dammit. [grumble grumble]



(OK... so maybe to my worst enemy... but not to the rest...)

1. Baby Alive: This doll eats baby food, drinks out of her bottle, and then shits herself. Sounds cute, right? Um, no. It sucks. It wouldn't have been bad had the stupid little shit not had a big ol' diaper blowout, causing me to have to clean green "baby poop" off of her back, her legs, her hair, and her dress. Seriously, I felt like I had a damn newborn in the house again. What was really kind of disturbing is that the stupid thing talks too, and the entire time I was cleaning her up, she kept saying, "Let's play! Can we play, Mommy?" I was actually answering her by yelling, "NO! Shut the heck up! I'm cleaning the crap off of you right now!!!!" I think I may have scared my kids.

2. Barbie Dance with Me dance Mat/DVD: OK. So in theory, this one is cute. Hannah loves it, and it really is adorable to watch her in her little bodysuit, sheer skirt, and ballet shoes watching the TV and trying to dance like a ballerina. But the damn song is stuck in my head... And I can't get it out... And that annoys me.

3. The Fisher Price Karaoke Machine Thingamajiggy: Cute, again in theory. But my young children don't know ANY of the cool songs that come with the system, and ONLY know the "Who Let the Dogs Out" song. Cute to watch the first time they sing it, while watching themselves on TV, but now, in my brain, the Barbie ballet song and "Who Let the Dogs Out" song are raging a fierce battle and neither one will get out of my fucking head.


1. Fisher Price "Read with Me DVD" Sytem: This thing is pretty cool. You pop in a DVD and a story (complete with words) is displayed on the screen and read out loud. It comes with a kid's controller with buttons on it, that allows them to play games on the TV screen after every few "pages" of the story. Cute stuff.

2. GameBoy: Keeps the kids quiet for hours. Good shit, I tell ya.

3. LeapPad Learning System: Again, keeps kids quiet for way longer than I'm used to. However, when buying one, you should probably just buy one for each of your kids so as to avoid the inevitable wars that will break out when more than one child wants to play with it at the same time.


So my brother bought Grace "The Corpse Bride" DVD for Christmas. This totally cracks me up. He found out a few weeks ago that she had caught "The Nightmare Before Christmas" on TV and LOVED it. So he bought her "The Corpse Bride." It amuses me that any 5-year-old child receives a gift with the word "corpse" in it for Christmas. And yet, I think it's another sign that Grace just totally kicks ass.


My brother bought Steve and I a "Deliverance" DVD. There's sort of a joke behind it. A few weeks ago, we were all at my sister's house and it came out that Steve never saw it. We were like, "What? It involves incest and banjos... how could you, of all people, not have seen it?" (Steve's dad plays the banjo by the way.) So that day at my sisters, we did a search online to show him the freaky, incest, banjo-playing kid and then when my sister left the room, we set her computer so a picture of the incest dude would flash on her screen every few minutes. It totally cracked us all up. So we open our gifts on Christmas and there it is... a copy of "Deliverance". LOL! We haven't had a chance to watch it yet, but I'm pumped. I only saw it once and it was a long time ago, but I remember really liking it. Of course, this will mean "Dueling Banjos" will be in my head for weeks, but it can compete with Barbie and "Who Let the Dogs Out."


OK. I could babble for another hour, but I figure this is enough for now. ;)

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

So how was everyone's Christmas? Ours was great! Well, except for the fact that I still can't flippin' breathe because of my cold/sinus infection/whatever it is I have, and that by 8:00 PM, I was officially done with family, batteries, toys wired to boxes for dear life, and other peoples' kids. ;)

However, now the real work begins. I have NO place to put all of the freakin' crap the kids got for Christmas. Seriously. It's insane. Again, we're blessed that there are so many people in our lives that love our kids. But this is getting ridiculous. Every room of my house is trashed. And I can't put anything away until I get rid of the old stuff that's already here. And it would help if the Christmas crap wasn't still taking up all spare room in the house, but there's no way on god's green earth I'm going to try to un-decorate our monstrosity of a tree and get it out of our house with our kids here and with Steve not here. [sigh]

Help me. For the love of god, help me. LOL!

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Merry Christmas from Our Home to Yours...

Grace already got what she wanted. Hopefully you all will too. ;)

Have a wonderful, safe, happy, and non-stressful holiday everyone! :)

~ Allison

Friday, December 22, 2006

Totally random mishmash...

Do you, or anyone you know, use hankies? I ask this because it recently came to my attention that I have several friends whose husbands use them. And these are not old people, my friends. See, I thought only old people used hankies. I find them repulsive. "Hey, let me blow a big ball of green snot into this thin piece of cloth and then wad it up and shove it back into my pocket. And hey, look at this! It's 20 minutes later and I can get it back out and repeat the whole cycle." Ick! Ick! Ick! Words cannot describe how repulsive the whole idea of it is to me. So consider this an informal poll....

1. Disgusting Items for Old People to Use
2. Useful Tools for Keeping Your Nose Clean


Steve went to WalMart 3 days ago and bought both girls a Red Rider BB gun for Christmas. Please keep in mind that my daughters are ages 3 and 5. [sigh] Grace loves to shoot. She's never shot anything more powerful than a BB gun (which, for all intents and purposes, I realize can also be "powerful" in terms of injuries), but she loves it. And she's a damn good shot too. Steve sets her up with "targets" drawn on paper and taped to empty beer boxes. (Can we all say "redneck"?) And she gets pretty damn close to the bulls eye every time. She's been begging for a BB gun for about a month now, and out-of-control hunter, Steve, decided that he would fulfill his daughter's wishes. And of course Hannah needed one too because god forbid if the child has to learn that sometimes her older sister will get things and be able to do things that she just can't yet. [rolling eyes]

Now before anyone goes and gets all anti-gun on me, let me say that I don't really give a shit what you have to say. LOL! I don't like guns, and frankly, they scare the shit out of me. BUT, Steve grew up around guns, is beyond safe with them, the kids are only allowed to shoot under strict supervision of Steve (and again, "only" BB guns), they are more than aware of the damage a gun can do, they know guns aren't toys in any way, shape or form (and in fact, don't own any toy guns), they always wear protective eye gear when shooting, and well... things are just "different" around here. I swear to god, around these parts, kids are hunting 3 weeks after emerging from their mother's womb. (OK... not really, you have to be 12 to hunt here legally, but you get the point...). Steve and I have talked about the whole thing at length and we've decided that we'd rather have the girls exposed to guns at an early age so they know the damage that guns can do. Since Steve grew up always around guns and shooting them so young, he wasn't that fascinated with them. So when his buddies who had never handled a gun before managed to get their hands on one and do stupid things with it and not handle it properly, Steve shrugged it off and walked away because it wasn't such a big thrill.

Our kids will grow up around guns because of Steve's love of hunting. Now they aren't kept in our house and they're under lock and key in another building on our property (as will their BB guns be), but the point is that they're here. So we just feel that teaching them the importance of gun safety and the dangers of guns from the time they can comprehend it, we'll be doing the right thing.

OK... so off my political soapbox now. The main point of this is that my daughters are getting Red Rider BB guns for Christmas and everytime I think about it, I can't help but say, "You'll shoot your eye out, kid!" in my head. LOL!


I have spent WAY too much time making homemade gifts for people for Christmas, but I think I'm almost done. I'll post some pictures tomorrow, but other than printing out 2 more CD calendars and making envelopes for them, I'm pretty sure I'm done. And that's a good thing because I've about had it up to here with gluing, printing, cutting, drawing, etc. I'm way beyond done mentally with all of the projects and I'm glad it's just about over.

(And yet, at the same time, now that I'm done, I find myself wandering around the house aimlessly, wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do with myself.)


I'm sick of being sick. My nose is raw from blowing it, I haven't been able to breathe in about 5 days, I can't smell or taste anything, and frankly, it's making me kind of grumpy.


If Grace asks me one more time how many more days there are until Christmas, I might throttle her. :)


So anyway, I hope to blog again before Christmas, but if I don't get the chance, I want to wish all of you the happiest Christmas ever. May you all get everything you want, avoid killing any in-laws, get drunk, and come back wit stories. ;)

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

ABC Meme

I was tagged by Chelle.

The Letter A
Are you agnostic? Ummm... maybe? A little bit?
What is your age? 33
What annoys you? Oh god, lots and lots of stuff. LOL! I'm fairly easily annoyed unfortunately.

The Letter B
Do you like bacon? Hell, yeah!
What is your birthday? May 8th
Who is your best friend? Well, I have lots of wonderful friends, but the ones I tell pretty much everything to are Kim, Melissa, Emily, Allison, Julie, Leslie, Kerri, Tracey, and Jenn

The Letter C
What is your favorite candy? Skittles (the red ones)
Who is your crush? Ooo... Josh Holloway from Lost, Ty Pennington, and the dude on "Men in Trees". Yum!
When was the last time you cried? The other day maybe, but for the life of me, I don't remember why. LOL!

The Letter D
Do you daydream? Sure.
What is your favorite kind of dog? Oh god, most of you know how I feel about pets in general. LOL! But if I HAD to pick I'd pick a New Foundland. Soooo pretty.
What day of the week is it? Tuesday

The Letter E
How do you like your eggs? Over easy (or "dippy" as we call them in these parts).
Have you ever been in the emergency room? Dear god, yes. LOL!
What’s the easiest thing to ever do? Uhhh... eat? Does that count? LOL!

The Letter F
Have you ever flown in a plane? Yes
Do you use fly swatters? If I had one I would. But we don't, so I just use a shoe.
Have you ever used a foghorn? Actually, no.

The Letter G
Do you chew gum? Not often. I'm an Altoids kind of girl.
Are you a giver or taker? Can I be both?

The Letter H
How are you? Ok, other than my kick ass cold I'm nursing.
What’s your height? 5'3"
What color is your hair? Brown with some blondish highlights

The Letter I
What is your favorite ice-cream? Breyer's Cyclone Caramel Tracks
Have you ever ice-skated? Yes
Do you play an instrument? I used to play the flute. I still could if I picked one up, but I don't often do that. LOL!

The Letter J
What is your favorite jelly bean? Cinnamon
Do you wear jewelry? Just my engagement ring and wedding band and white gold hoop earrings
Have you heard a really hilarious joke? Ever? Sure.

The Letter K
Who do you want to kill? All the sick and twisted bastards in the world who take and/or harm children
Do you want kids? Got 'em.
Where did you have kindergarten? Mahoning Elementary School

The Letter L
Are you laid-back? Yes, but not as much as I used to be, unfortunately.
Do you lie? Yes. Daily.
Do you love anyone? Yup.

The Letter M
What is your favorite movie? Oh god, lots... Good Fellas, Casablanca, Dumb and Dumber... The list could go on and on...
Do you still watch Disney movies? Yeah, when the kids do.
Do you like mangos? Nope. They fall into the fruit category, and I avoid them at all costs. LOL!

The Letter N
Do you have a nickname? Yes. Alien is the one used the most though.
What is your favorite number? 2
Do you prefer night or day? Night

The Letter O
What is your one wish? To hit the lottery or somehow come into a buttload of cash. LOL!
Are you an only child? No, I'm the middle child, with an older brother and a younger sister.
Do you wish this year was over? Eh. Whatever. LOL!

The Letter P
What is one fear that you are most paranoid about? My kids getting hurt.
What personality trait would you look for in someone you wanted to date? Funny. HAS to be funny. And social. And realize I'm a total spaz and still love me for it.

The Letter Q
Are you quick to judge people? Oooo... sometimes. But I'm probably slower at it than most people. LOL!

The Letter R
Do you think you are always right? No, but I wish I was.
Do you watch reality T.V.? Oh god yeah... Survivor, The Amazing Race, Apprentice, American Idol, etc. etc.
What is a good reason to cry? Uh, for whatever reason you damn well please, I guess. LOL!

The Letter S
Do you prefer sun or rain? Usually sun.
Do you like snow? Yes, when I'm inside looking out. Otherwise, no.
What is your favorite season? Spring and fall.

The Letter T
What time is it? 8:19 AM
What time did you wake up? 6:30
When was the last time you slept in a tent? Oh god, couldn't tell you. Years and years ago.

The Letter U
Are you wearing underwear? Yes

The Letter V
What is the worst veggie? All of them.
Where do you want to go on vacation? I don't care. I'm pretty easy to please.
What was your last family vacation together? To Amish county in September.

The Letter W
What is your worst habit? Smoking
Where do you live? Northeastern Pennsylvania

The Letter X
Have you ever had an X-ray? Yes.
Have you ever seen the X-Games? Not really.
Do you own a xylophone? No.

The Letter Y
Do you like the color yellow? Eh, it has it's time and place.
What year where you born in? 1973
What do you yearn for most? Financial security

The Letter Z
What is your Zodiac Sign? Taurus
Do you believe in the Zodiac? Eh, not enough to really do anything with it.
What is your favorite zoo animal? Monkeys

Monday, December 18, 2006


Grace and I are getting our asses kicked by a cold. We'll live, I'm sure, but it still sucks. Especially with so much to do this week for Christmas.

I got the brilliant idea to make some of the Christmas gifts I'm giving to people. I'm now regretting that decision since I'm in no mood to do it. But I have no choice because I am officially out of all money until after Christmas. [sigh] Stupid, stupid Allison. LOL!

We have Christmas for my entire family here at our house. That's 12 to 14 people (plus the four of us) that I have to prepare the house and food for. I like having Christmas here, don't get me wrong. But the prep work always kind of sucks. Especially when you feel like shit AND you've decided to be all crafty for people. Shit. LOL!

Yesterday, Steve turned 32. It was a pretty low-key day, but nice.

Yesterday, Grace started begging for a BB gun. What the hell? And no, she didn't watch "A Christmas Story." Steve's friend stopped down with a new pellet gun and asked Steve to sight it in. Grace took a bunch of shots with it and is now obsessed with getting her own gun. [sigh] I'm not sure how I feel about it, but I will say that she is a damn good shot. LOL!

Anyway, I'll be busy this week, but I'll try to pop in with updates and pictures of my oh-so-lovely homemade gifts. (Yeah, right.) LOL!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

I'm it.

OK. So I was tagged by both Gracey and Odd Mix for this, so I'm gonna do it. (Not because it takes two people to tag me for something to make me do it... but because the guilt was just getting to me. LOL!)

Six Weird Things About Me...

1. I have weird thumbs. If I hold my hand up flat (like a traffic cop signaling to stop), I can bend my thumb back (without aid of my other hand) so that it's actually horizontal in comparison to the rest of my fingers. If I use my other hand, I can bend it so far back that it points completely down. (I'll post pictures tomorrow since my skills at describing things in words are failing me right now.)

2. Like Odd Mix, fingernails on a blackboard don't affect me at all. But the sounds of anyone chewing, slurping, eating, drinking, etc. their food, literally gives me a chill and I want to hurl. I cannot stand to hear the things going on in other people's mouths.

3. I truly, truly adore my mother-in-law. (That's weird, isn't it? It seems weird based on conversations with friends anyway... LOL!) And really, how can you not love a woman who shits in her sister's neighbor's bushes and gets caught, right?

4. I get great satisfaction from popping zits. Mine... someone else's... it doesn't matter. Seeing those little mini volcanoes erupt make me giddy.

5. I can remember things like birthdays, anniversaries, names, phone numbers, etc. immediately, and if you tell me once I'll never forget it. But even though I was an English major, the second I read the last page of a book, I can't remember a damn thing about the story or who wrote it. I could literally re-read a book halfway through before I realized I had just read it a month ago.

6. I think passing gas is hilarious. I crack up when I do it (even when I'm alone), when other people do it, etc. I think people that are offended by it are just not much fun. What's not to like? The sound alone is hilarious. Throw in some offensive odors and you've got yourself a party in your ass.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

I'm just a bloggin' fool today...

So... ramdom thoughts as they come spewing into my half-drunk mind right now...

* No deer. Steve has failed at hunting for the second time in his entire life. LOL! He actually seems OK with it, so here's to hoping that I don't have to hear about it for the next year (or 20).

* Grace was staring intently at me today while we sat on the floor together. I thought she was admiring my beauty. ;) When I finally asked her what she was looking at, she said, "You have a hairy chin, Mom." Uhhh... thanks?

* Hannah heard her and yelled, "Me too! Me too! My chin's hairy too!" (Yeah kid. That's not a good thing, Sweetie.)

* I took the girls to the local strip mall today for a little Christmas/magic show they were having. Hannah volunteered to go up in front of everyone and assist the dude with a magic trick. People this is not Hannah. This is a child who clings to me for dear life when around anyone at all she doesn't know. It was rather surreal actually, and I'm still not sure what the hell the deal was.

* Grace lost her front tooth last night. She's already lost 4 on the bottom, but this is the first one on top. She looks adorable with her little toothless grin (and fits right in in this redneck town).

* Felt my heart swell when she used her tooth fairy money to buy Nana a bouquet of flowers at the grocery store for her birthday that was yesterday. How does a child that wants me to come in and poop in my pants for show-and-tell come up with the idea, all on her own, to buy her Nana some birthday flowers? (And relax people... she thinks she used her tooth fairy money. I have every intention of replacing her cash.)

* So the other night, Steve and I were having a rather civilized conversation about the fact that I don't feel the need or have the desire to reorganize every square inch of our home. (It's the only thing we ever argue about, so the fact that we weren't screaming at each other is huge.) So I finally admitted to him that there are two main reasons I haven't done it. 1) It doesn't bother me nearly as much as it bothers him. And 2) I'm a bitch and part of it has to do with the fact that I'm a bitch and that I like to "spite" him after he makes a comment about it by just not doing it. LOL! He said, "Allison, you are not a bitch. Believe me, the only reason I've stayed with you for 7 years is because of your personality." Um, ok. Sounds sweet at first, no? But then later I translated it to, "Allison, I don't love you for shit. But you're damn funny and my friends dig you, so I've kept you around." LMAO! Sweet.

* I have bought a whopping total of 3 Christmas gifts so far. And I mean TOTAL. As in, one for Hannah and two for Grace. I am sooooo effing screwed this year. I'll probably drop about $300 just for expediated shipping. I suck. [sigh]

* I have a total of $2.00 until Wednesday when I get paid. I smoke and cigarettes are $4.00+ a pack. Shit.

* A car pulled out in front of me today and I flipped off the driver. A few minutes later, I realized it was an old nun. Shit.

* In the grocery store today, I saw an old-as-dirt woman in front of me digging around in her teeth with her finger. I kind of laughed to myself, thinking, "Why do old people always dig their teeth like that." Then, she took her damn teeth out! What the HELL? I shit you not, she pulled an entire upper set of teeth out of her mouth and kept walking with her shopping cart, holding the teeth in her hand. I almost threw up, but managed to hold it in, figuring if I vomited all over aisle 8, I'd be more repulsive than the toothless woman.

* Wanna know what my relationship with Steve is like? So Steve gets home from hunting and at some point, I mention that I've had a raging headache all day long (true story), and even made Steve feel the throbbing vein in my temple. He laughs and says, "And here I was, thinking I'd stay up late and get a little action tonight." I replied (and this is a direct quote my friends), "Well, I can lay there if you want and be the hole you stick it in, but don't expect anything beyond that." LOL! God, I'm the epitome of the opposite of ladylike. LOL! Why do I wonder where Grace gets it from? HELLO! Look in the mirror! LOL! (And if anyone is interested, Steve's response was laughter and, "Oh, that's nice. Thanks for that." LOL!

* I just realized that Steve's birthday is in exactly 8 days. I HATE birthdays around Christmas time. I hope he's not expecting like, a gift or anything. Maybe I can just use the "I'll be the hole you stick it in..." line again and call it a day?

* Mentioned to Steve that my friend (whom shall remain nameless) also celebrates a birthday on that same day. And they were born on the exact same day... as in the same year too. Instead of just letting it go at that, I felt the need to add, "Just think... your mom and her mom could've been pushing you out of their crotches at the exact same moment that day." He laughed, but I could tell the thought of anything involving his mom's crotch wasn't really appreciated. Seriously, I need some sort of brain censor. Something that stops me from saying out loud what's running through my mind. Can one of you buy that for me for Christmas? Because that would be swell. ;)

Saturday, December 09, 2006


Conversation with Grace today (out of the blue I might add)...

Grace: "Hey Mom, when I grow up and have a baby, will I have to be naked to push it out and born it?"

Me: "Um, yeah."

Grace: "Will the doctors laugh at me because I'm naked?"

Me [chuckling]: "Nah. It's not funny to them anymore because they see that stuff everyday."

Grace [pondering]: "Well..... when did it stop being it funny?"

Me [staring blankly]: "Uhhhh...."

LOL! Seriously. I wish I could live in her head for just one day...

Please pray for Steve...

(Don't worry. Nothing's wrong with him. Don't want to start any sort of panic or anything.)

But see, today is the last day of buck season. It's been two weeks now and today is either do or die. Steve's been up at 3:00 AM every morning for three weeks straight now (the first week was bear hunting season) and wasn't getting home until around 8:30, when he'd immediately pass out on the recliner. He hasn't seen a worthy buck in all those days. He saw a bunch of doe, and although it's legal to shoot doe right now too, Steve has a soft spot for the women-folk and rarely, if ever shoots them. He's also seen two pathetically small buck, one of which wasn't even legal to shoot (it must have 3 points on one side of its antlers to make it legal).

If he doesn't see and shoot one today, this will only be the second year in 20 years that he won't get a buck. His dad and his friend haven't seen or shot one either, which would mean a year without deer jerky. Now I don't care about the lack of jerky, but many others in the family will.

But beyond the meat factor, is the pride thing. To put so much time, effort and energy into something and then end up empty handed would suck, wouldn't it? He claimed last night that he honestly doesn't care and that if he doesn't get one, well, he doesn't get one. I do believe him a little bit. But for the love of god people, I will have to go a full YEAR hearing repeatedly how deer season sucked... and how the deer just aren't around this year... and how so-and-so got one, but so-and-so didn't... and how he's just going to give up hunting (which will NEVER happen by the way)... etc. etc. It's bad enough hearing the same stories over and over about what animals he DID get. I certainly don't want to hear about non-existant deer.

So pray. Pray hard. Pray for him and pray for me. LOL! He has until dark tonight (about 5:00) to see a deer and shoot the little f*cker. SHOOT STEVE! SHOOT!

UPDATE: It's 5:30 PM here and pitch dark. I've received no calls from an excited Steve saying he made a kill. Shit. I am going to hear about this for months people... possibly until next year. [sigh] Would anyone like a roommate for the next year? I don't eat much.

(Disclaimer: If you happen to be one of those people that doesn't agree with hunting, well, sorry. I have no problem with it (if done legally and if the meat is actually eaten). It's a big thing around here and it's Steve's greatest passion. So any (rude) comments posted about how Steve's cruel and we suck will be answered (rudely). Light-hearted jokes about Bambi and all that other stuff are fine. I never liked that movie anyway...)

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Thursday Thirteen (12.7.2006)

OK. So it wasn't supposed to be my MP3 player. It was supposed to be Hannah's. I bought one for each girl at Big Lots yesterday. Grace, I think, will adore hers. I bought one for Hannah mostly so she wouldn't fight for Grace's or break it. But I started buying and downloading songs today to load onto 'em before Christmas and found myself downloading songs that really weren't going to thrill a 3-year-old. So now the sucker is mine. I loaded it up and proceeded to get my groove on, all over the house, singing, dancing, and playing the air guitar, all the while hoping no one could see in my windows. LOL! So um, anyway... onto the Thursday 13.
1. "Son of a Preacher Man" by Dusty Springfield (One of my ALL time favorite songs.)
2. "Build Me Up Buttercup" (Don't tell me you don't belt that song out when you hear it.)
3. "How to Save a Life" by The Fray
4. "Black Horse and a Cherry Tree" by KT Tunstall (I bounce around like a fool when I hear this song.)
5. "I Write Sins Not Tragedy" by Panic at the Disco (I cannot get ENOUGH of this song! But I have to be careful because I keep singing it around the girls and I really don't want them going to school singing, "...closing the goddamn door...")
6. "Lips of an Angel" by Hinder
7. "Hips Don't Lie" by Shakira (I know. I know. I couldn't help it. This song makes me dance and act like a dork.)
8. "Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls (This will ALWAYS be a favorite song of mine. How can you not like it? It reminds me of my days in college, hanging out in the Dell on a blanket with my theatre and musician friends, while they played their guitars and the stupid preps and soccer players gave us weird looks.)
9. "My Wish" by Rascall Flatts (Yeah. Yeah. I listen to country too. So sue me.)
10. "Far Away" by Nickelback
11. "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" by Charlie Daniels (This song always makes me want to learn how to play the fiddle.)
12. "I Loved Her First" by Heartland (I always picture the girls dancing with Steve when I hear this song.)
13. "Savin' Me" by Nickelback
I still have a ton more I want to download... James Taylor, Paul Simon, Blues Traveler, They Might Be Giants, Bush, Barenaked Ladies... Ahhh... the list goes on and on. It's good stuff I tell ya. :)

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Catch Up...

In the past two days, I...:

* Made hamburgers out of last year's ground up bear meat. This repulses me in ways you will never know. Not necessarily because it was bear meat. ALL raw meat grosses me out and I HATE touching it. I gag. I retch. But Steve oh-so-kindly asked me to cook 'em up while he was hunting all day so that he could have something to take with him to eat the next day when he went hunting. [sigh] I really am too nice to him.

* Had Grace tell me that for show-and-tell, she wanted me to come into her classroom, poop in my pants (just once), and leave. [shaking head] Obviously, she was kidding, but seriously... that kid has some serious, serious issues.

* In the same breath, she's come home with two awards this week. One for "spreading holiday cheer" by helping her friend recycle paper in class, and one is a Computer Achievement Certificate for recognition of computer and listening skills. So this leads me to believe that she has multiple personalities since it's hard to imagine the child I know getting awards for the things mentioned above. LOL!

* Still haven't seen anymore rodent friends. This is a good thing. I really do think that mouse I scared the other day has spread the word and all of the mice are staying out of sight.

* Had to intervene when Hannah got pissed, picked up her doll's highchair, and whacked Grace over the head with it all WWF style. Sweet and innocent, my ass. Where do people get that idea? [sigh]

* Realized my mother-in-law's birthday is Friday. Of course, since my darling husband leaves the house at 4:00 AM every morning to go hunting and doesn't get home until almost 9:00 at night, that leaves ME to go find her a birthday present. Dammit. This happens every flippin' year. Would it be wrong to just wrap up one of our old coffee mugs that doesn't have any cracks or chips and tell her it's new? LOL!

And now, I must go work. Like actually work. I've been putting it off for days and some people are going to start getting really pissed off if I don't send them some sort of document soon. [sigh] Later...

Sunday, December 03, 2006

I Scared the Little Bastard...

LOL! And by little bastard, I mean the mouse I scared back into the hole in the wall with the thrown container of Clorox wipes. We haven't seen hide nor hair of the little shit since my perfect toss and no more mice have been caught in the mouse trap. I'm convinced I either gave him a heart attack and he died as soon as he ran into the wall. Or, he learned his lesson and went down into the depths of our basement and told all his little mouse friends that a psycho lady lives upstairs and they should avoid me if at all possible. Either way, as long as the little shits stay where I can't hear or see them, it's all good. I'm a firm supporter of segregation of rodents and humans. They can live here... just don't let me know it, ya know?

I still haven't started Christmas shopping. I suck. And what REALLY sucks is that everyone in the free world has asked me what to get the girls for Christmas and I gave them ideas. Except now, there's nothing left for me to get them. [sigh] Grace is getting a digital camera (the Fisher Price one), a GameBoy, a stuffed dog that licks you, and an MP3 player (and a million other presents)... all from OTHER people. Hannah's getting a karaoke machine, a Leapster (so she won't fight for Grace's GameBoy), a doll that poops, and an MP3 player. Again... all from OTHER people. So what does that leave me to get her? My poor kids will bound down the stairs on Christmas morning to find some clothing and some art stuff. LOL!

Although, tonight Daddy sat down with them and went through the Cabela's catalog, asking them what they wanted [shaking head]. Grace picked a backpack with a hunting dog on it, a gun that shoots pellets (um, yeah... not gonna happen), and anything else she saw with an animal on it (which is almost everything in the Cabela's catalog). Hannah wants a kid's archery set. [sigh] Crap. EVERY freaking holiday and birthday, someone else in the family is the "hero" that gets the girls that one gift that they really, really want. And then there's me. LOL!

Oh well. I guess I should feel blessed that so many people love the kids and are able to give them things that they enjoy. But my kids will grow up thinking that Santa totally sucks at giving them gifts, but Grandma, Nana, Pappy, Aunt Kristin, and Uncle Kyle kick ass. LMAO!

I suppose that instead of sitting here blogging, I should be surfing the net, looking for cool, creative gifts for my children, no? And I'm off...