~ Hannah called herself "a freakin' whackjob" today and I almost pissed myself laughing. (Uh, yeah. I swear I don't call my kids that. Honest. For real. You can't prove it...)
~ Watched my two children who don't eat peanut butter (like every other non-allergic child on the planet) eat lemon-pepper haddock, broccoli and salads with oil and vinegar dressing tonight. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with them? Not that I wouldn't rather have them eat the fish and vegetables, but for laziness's sake, it would be really nice if I could slap some PB&J on some bread and throw them in their lunchboxes. Geez...
~ Had Hannah come running around the corner, into the kitchen tonight buck naked with LARGE marker scribbles all over her torso, yelling, "I'm maken! I'm maken!" (For some reason, she always says "maken" instead of "naked".)
~ Wiped it off with a baby wipe as best as I could and then figured fuck it, who'll see it? American Idol was about to start, so a bath was out of the question.
Speaking of American Idol...
~ Taylor Hicks still freakin' RULES! He was my favorite tonight.
~ Ace needs to scrape some of that cheese off his act and just sing for god's sake. Steve commented tonight that he must've taken lessons from queer ass Constantine.
~ Paris, hon, don't ever sing Beyonce again. Randy may have liked it (and Paula, but she likes everything), but the rest of us don't want to see your 17-year-old ass dry humping the air. Thanks.
~ Kelly Pickler, I pick someone else. You seem very sweet, but you're dumber than a Lego and you're singing seems to be getting worse.
~ Lisa dear, you seem nice too, but WHY would you pick a song that was sung by the most successful American Idol winner to date, and one that is at the top of the charts as we speak? Can we all say stupid?
~ Chris, I adore you. Love you. You and Taylor are tied as my favorites. But dude, if I have to hear you perform one more song where you scream while strobe lights flash and give me a headache, Taylor may pull ahead. I LOVE your voice, but PLEASE sing something a little different next week. Please.
~ Elliot, I like you. I really do. I like you're voice too. But your underbite bothers me and I can't watch you speak or sing without laughing. I'm sorry. I really, really am.
~ Bucky, I know other people don't like you so much, but I find you endearing. I thought you did a good job tonight. There's no way in hell you'll win it all, but I enjoy watching you while you're around. (And please tell me Bucky isn't you're real name.)
~ Katharine, First of all, I hate the way your parents spelled your name, but that's neither here nor there. Overall, I really like you. I wasn't "feeling the love" quite as much as the rest of the judges tonight, but you done good, girl. Rock on.
~ Mandesa, I normally really like you. And I liked you tonight too. But you didn't "wow" me. I hope you get your mojo back for next week.
So now let's talk about The Amazing Race... WARNING: Spoiler ahead!!!
~ Lake, you seemed to be much nicer to your wife this week. I like it. Keep it up. (And I should add that he doesn't bother me nearly as much as he seems to bother other people.)
~ Frat Boys, you rule. Yes, you're hornier than anyone I've ever met in my life, but you're damn funny and you're having fun. (Do you think they realized that now EVERY woman in the nation realizes what players they are? LOL!)
~ Old Lady and Old Man (I always forget your names), you were kind of rude this week. You're little "episode" in the airport screaming at Lake to "just back off" was a little uncalled for, don't ya think? I no longer like you two. I never really did actually, but you just sealed the deal, ya old hag.
~ Ray & Chick (I always forget her name too), I have no strong feelings one way or the other for you. I don't hate you, but I don't love you either. So um, I dunno what to say to you. Good luck?
~ Lori & Dave, I normally like you guys. But you seem to be cracking a bit under the pressure and it's making you appear whiney. Please stop that. (And Dave, don't cry at the pit stops. It makes you look wussy.)
~ MOJO, again, I have no feelings for you either way. Joe, you're cute. Monica, you're pretty. Rock on with your bad selves, but you won't win, so you should probably just give up. (And if next week's preview are any indication, you may have lost your mojo.
~ Dani & Whatever the Fuck Your Friend's Name Is (Daphne? Danielle? Ditz?), I hated you two. You annoyed me to no end. Let me clue you in that once you're past the ages of like 7, dressing alike isn't cute anymore. It's gay. And creepy. And really, really lame. You're obviously both extremely intelligent (insert dripping sarcasm here), but I'm glad I no longer have to look at or listen to you. Goodbye and goodnight.
~ Hippies, you rule. If you don't win, I will cry. Your "Bowling Toms" T-shirts tonight made me laugh hysterically. I love you both. Please win. PLEASE!