Monday, June 25, 2007

This stuff could only happen to me...

So two days ago (on Saturday), the girls were both in their gymnastics recital. Both of them kicked ass and were totally adorable (pictures at a later date... I'm lazy tonight). Cool. So they both left there afterwards with my parents to go to dinner, get some ice cream, and sleep over at Grandma and Granddad's. Cool.

So Steve and I end up at this picnic with my MIL and FIL. It's a VERY complicated round-about family tree sort of thing, but the picnic was at a house right down the street from where we live and is sort of extended family (not really, but play along). Anyway, I meet the owners of the home... a 70 (or 80? I forget...) year-old man and his sweet, smiling wife. We're eating. We're laughing. We're drinking. It's all good.

So the guys and some of the kids go off to play wiffle ball while some of the "women folk" stayed in the screened-in porch to just chill, talk about kids, etc. At one point, I decide it's time for me to make my first trip into the home and to the bathroom. I'd had 2 or 3 beers and the pee was not going to be contained much longer.

So I ask where in the home the bathroom is and get "directions" to it from my step-FIL's daughter-in-law, who grew up there. Great. So off I go. I walk across the yard, go in the back door, walk through the kitchen, bang a left and walk through the dining room, and see the bathroom door ahead of me. I see that a light's on in the bathroom, but the door is open about 6-inches. I can't really see inside, but figure if the door's open 6", no one's in there (or a kid is in there, but since there were only 3 kids at the picnic and 2 were playing wiffle ball, I knew that if any of the kids were in the bathroom, it would be sweet, 7-year-old Lynzy. No biggie. (And yes, I think the spelling of her name is ridiculous, but it's not my kid, so whatever.)

So I move forward, with my hand outstretched to push open the door the rest of the way, and finally release the river that has been building up in me for a good hour now. I can practically feel the relief I'll experience in just a few short moments...

So my hand makes contact with the already slightly ajar door and I push it open with a little force, excited about what's about to take place. Am I faced with the glorious sight of a waiting, non-occupied porcelin toilet, just waiting to accept my "gift"? No. Because that would be what the normal person would see, and that doesn't happen to me. Ever.

No. Instead, I'm smacked in the face with a not-so-pleasant odor and see, directly in front of me, about 2 feet away, the 70+ year old homeowner sitting on his "throne", reading STAR magazine, and taking a big dump. Oh. My. God. Words cannot describe my feeling at that moment. He looked up at me over his glasses, half grinned at me, showing his full set of dentures, and chuckled silently. I slammed the damn door shut, and said, "Oh my GOD! I am soooo sorry! You didn't have the door closed!"

And then I ran. I ran like the wind. I hightailed it out of that house so fast, I swear there were flames shooting out of my ass. I ran to the field where most of the people were playing wiffle ball and I chugged a beer so fast it made my head spin. And then, for the remaining 90 minutes we were still at the picnic, I avoided the man like the plague and managed to avoid all eye contact.

The second Steve and I got in the car to go home, I blurted, "I walked in on Jerome taking a dump. He was reading a magazine, the door wasn't closed, and it stank like all hell. God help me." Steve couldn't stop laughing. But he's not the one that has to live with that image permanently burned in his mind. I do. And it's not a pretty sight, lemme tell ya.

See? This is why I drink. I really have no choice.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Pictures from Hannah's Party...

(Before Kim makes me want to slap her. LOL!) Just kidding Kim! Sorry it took so long to post these. Just been busy...

Here's a picture of Hannah at the beginning of the party...

Grace with her new rather large stuffed shark. She got it from my brother for her birthday, which is next week...

Hannah getting ready to blow out her candles...

Hannah gets air on the new waterslide...

Grace's turn...
My BIL, Mike, and Steve battling it out with the water guns. Right after this picture was taken, I had to go mental and shut down the water battle before someone got hurt. LOL!

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Sorry gang...

But I'm totally wiped out (and rather buzzed) tonight. The girls spent ALL DAY on the new slide.... A friend and her son came over to use the slide... The house was trashed inside and out (from the party) and I had to clean up all day, etc. No pictures again. But I SWEAR I'll post some tomorrow. No. For real. I will. Honest. I swear.

I NEED to go to bed right now though.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

It's Over...

Hannah's party that is. It went well generally speaking in that the kids had a BLAST and the slide is a HUGE hit. But throughout the day we had to suffer through...

1. My friend's 2-year-old burning the shit out of his hand when he touched an exposed lightbulb on one of our lamps.

2. Grace bleeding (which is actually nothing unusual).

3. Everyone here at the party wanting to beat the living SHIT out of Gunnar who kept soaking the adults with water guns while laughing like a possessed demon.

4. Steve having to patch my parents' tire that was going flat on their brand new car.

5. An hour (at least) long thunderstorm, complete with hail.

6. A big hunk of our rain gutter flying off the house during the above mentioned thunderstorm and missing my sister's minivan by inches.

7. My brother falling (during a water battle) and completely flattening a metal bucket that I had flowers planted in.

8. Me finally flipping the hell out (not one of my prouder moments, although several people agreed) and deflating the slide when the GROWN people (sister, Steve, 16-year-old nephew, BIL, etc.) got WAY out of hand with Super Soakers, squirting people that didn't want to be squirted, going on the slide while the little kids were on it, practically launching them off of it, Gunnar pushing Hannah down it and Hannah crying, and Grace almost toppling off the side of it, all while (and due to) the "grown-ups" having a water battle.

8. Me not being able to smoke through ANY of it because my parents were here.

** Note to Sister: Do NOT buy the children Super Soakers to be given to them on the day of a party with a bunch of immature jackasses.

Photos tomorrow (and I've got some really good ones).

Tuesday, June 12, 2007


Today we celebrated Hannah's 4th birthday. She was so excited to be turning 4. It's hard to believe she's that old already... especially since she's the size of a 2-year-old. LOL!

My mom took off work today and we had plans that involved breakfast at the diner and swimming, but things didn't work out that way. So we headed to the mall instead (since Hannah loves shopping) and we ended up at Libby Lu's, where she got a whole makeover. She LOVED it and was in total heaven. She looked so stinkin' cute! Here are a few pictures (unedited because I don't feel like it right now).

Oh, and here's a new layout using pictures from this past weekend. The girls had a BLAST on the Slip & Slides at Aunt Kristin and Uncle Mike's house. :)

Saturday, June 09, 2007


I was tagged by Sara, so before I go shower and start my day, I thought I'd quick post this:

The challenge is to use ONE WORD for each answer (no explanations).

Yourself: Funny

Your Partner: Understanding

Your Hair: Messy

Your Mother: Godsend

Your Father: Open-Minded

Your Favorite Item: Computer

Your Dream Last Night: None

Your Favorite Drink: Beer

Your Dream Car: Minivan

Your Dream Home: New

The Room You Are In: Living

Your Fear: Cancer

Where You Want To Be In Ten Years: Here

Who You Hung Out With Last Night: mother-in-law

You're Not: Neat

One of Your Wish List Items: Money

The Last Thing You Did: Smoked

You Are Wearing: T-shirt

Your Favorite Weather: Cool

Your Favorite Book: Photo

Last Thing You Ate: Pringles

Your Life: Crazy

Your Mood: Tired

Your Best Friend: Steve

What Are You Thinking About Right Now: Waterslides

Your Car: Accord

What Are You Doing At The Moment: This

Relationship Status: Married

What Is On Your TV: Nickolodeon

What Is The Weather Like: Breezy

When Is The Last Time You Laughed: Today

I'm tagging Geena, Kim (she knows where she is), & Chelle

Friday, June 08, 2007

We did it...

We bought the girls one of those inflatable water slides for their birthdays. I got the one I posted down below, which is this one:

I'm so freakin' excited! LOL! But we're waiting to give it to them until next Saturday at Hannah's party. I don't know if I can wait that long. LOL!

And today was Grace's last day of kindergarten. We officially have a 1st grader in the house. (I think. When is a kid officially in the next grade? The day the previous grade ends? Or the first day of the new grade? LOL!) Anyway, it's weird to have a kid that old. I'm so proud of her. I have no idea what the HELL I'm going to do with her all summer, so it should be um, interesting. But in many, many ways it'll be pretty cool too. I guess I could always just throw her outside on her new water slide. LOL!

Thursday, June 07, 2007

I want one

of these:

Never mind that we don't have a boat and I've never done anything even remotely resembling this, like water skiing. How much freakin' fun would this thing be?

Thursday Thirteen - June 7, 2007

13 Things I Did Today

1. Wiped down the air conditioners (window units) that go in the girls bedrooms in preparation for the 90-degree heat they're forecasting for tomorrow.

2. Washed, dried, and cut up about 90 lbs. (exaggeration) of lettuce , spinach & cabbage that Steve brought home from his dad's garden the other day. It took me almost 2 hours and I don't even eat that crap.

3. Ground up a big ol' bag of coffee beans. I know it tastes better if you grind them up before each time you use the coffee maker, but, well, that's just not practical in our world.

4. Did three loads of Steve's laundry. See, Steve has his own washer and dryer in our basement and he does all of his own laundry. His clothing is usually covered in disgusted concrete dust, mud, oil, grease, etc. from work and washing all of laundry in the same machines proved (in the past) to really suck. There's nothing like a faint orange-yellow "tint" to all of your whites to make you realize a system isn't working. So anyway, out of the kindness of my heart (LOL), I did three big loads for Steve while he was at work today. I never do Steve's laundry. Ever. The man is the epitome of anal-retentive, and if clothing isn't washed, dried, and folded exactly the way he likes it, all sorts of weird shit happens. LOL!

5. Drove to three very nearby gas stations and general stores desperately searching for dishwasher liquid so I could finally wash the dishes that had been sitting in my dishwasher for 2 days. I really didn't want to have to drive to Giant or WalMart for it.

6. Found it at the last store and paid WAY too much for a MUCH smaller bottle just so I wouldn't have to drive farther.

7. Confirmed with the mother-in-law that she'd chip in for the kickass water slide for the girls' birthdays. I swear to god, I'm more excited than they'll be. My big fat ass will be sliding down a Banzai waterslide in a little over a week. WOOHOO!

8. Pondered if it would be considered rude if on the day of Hannah's party next weekend (when the great slide will be revealed), I push all other kids out of the way to be the first one down the sucker. I'm thinking yes?

9. Printed out and mailed all of the invitations for Hannah's party.

10. Talked to mother-in-law again and realized I forgot to invite some family that are visiting from Texas this month. Shit. I guess I'm printing more tomorrow.

11. Did all of Steve's business stuff on the computer. I freakin' HATE doing the crap and it sucks even more that I don't get paid for it. LOL!

12. Read the journal/sketchbook that Grace brought home that she's been writing in all year at school (as per the teacher's instructions). I laughed. I cried. I almost pissed myself from laughing and crying so much. The child has a crazy imagination and I absolutely, positively adore her for it. My very favorite is a drawing of a tree with arms and legs and a building. Above it she wrote. "The tree walks. It went to the store." LMFAO! I'm totally going to scan it (and a few others) tomorrow and show them to you.

13. Grilled some cheeseburgers for dinner. They sucked. LOL!

Wednesday, June 06, 2007


I finished Hannah's invitations about 10 minutes ago. Tomorrow morning, I'll print 'em out, mail 'em off, and I'm DONE with all that stuff (until I have to make the thank you cards for their parties). Here they are:

When I was making these, it struck me (yet again) how different the girls are. I've got Grace handing out invitations with slimy snakes and lizards all over 'em, and I've got Hannah, who usually wears so much pink that it looks like she and a bottle of Pepto Bismol got in a fist fight and the Pepto won. Eh. It makes for interesting days around here I suppose.

Anyway, now that her invitations are done, I can start on my friend, Geena's, signature for her message boards and my friend, Melissa's, blog header. WOOHOO! [You can't see me, but I'm doing the Cabbage Patch right now.]

I'm also pumped because Steve and I talked tonight and we're going to ask my MIL & FIL if they want to chip in with us and buy the girls this kick ass gift (or a similar one) for their birthdays:
I hope everyone agrees to it, because I must admit that I kind of want it for myself more than the kids. Can you imagine this sucker at the pig roast this year? Awesome!

Anyway, my eyes are closing while I type this and my head keeps jerking me awake, so me thinks it's time to finish my beer and hit the sack. Later!


Grace handed out her invitations today at school. Within 1.5 hours of arriving home, I already had calls for 5 kids definitely coming to the party, which is over a month away. The moms I talked to sounded so excited! One asked if she could bring her other two kids (I said sure!) because she thinks they'll love it too.

They also started talking about the donations they're bringing for the center (as we suggested in the invitations). One's husband works at a dairy farm (or factory or something. I dunno. LOL!) and is bringing home a bunch of 5-gallon buckets. Another mom has 2 huge bags of bird seed she was going to just throw in her yard since her feeder broke, but now she's bringing it to the party to donate to the center. That's so freakin' cool!

It seems like the parents are just excited there's a party somewhere new. Believe me, every mom in Grace's class is really kind of getting sick of parties at the local roller-skating rink, the hotel pool, and the gymnastics center. Not that the kids don't have fun, but it's nice to have something different to do, ya know?

The worst though is when these parents call to RSVP and then ask what they should buy Grace. Uhhh.... I dunno. LOL! She has every toy ever invented. And they certainly don't need anything. So I just ramble off a very general list.... she loves anything having to do with snakes and sharks... she loves crafts and art-type stuff... she likes animal encyclopedias so she can memorize random facts about animals... and she HATES any typical girl toy you can imagine. I swear, the poor kid has gotten more Barbie dolls and My Little Ponies than you can imagine that she plays with for 5 minutes and then tells Hannah she can have 'em. I swear, I almost put something in the invitations that said, "When shopping for Grace, please bypass the girl aisles and head directly to the gender neutral and/or boy aisles please." LOL!

But I'm kind of hoping that the fact that she's a girl and is having a reptile party where you can touch slimy shit is going to be a clue enough for moms to realize that she's not a girly-girl at all, and probably wouldn't appreciate that princess dress-up gown that would surely be a hit with some (most?) other 6-year-old girls. LOL!

And Tink, oh my god... Grace would LOVE the gator farm! Like, I'm not even kidding. She would totally volunteer to attempt the whole mouth tying thing. Tonight, she insisted on watching Animal Planet instead of Spongebob, and when they showed extreme closeups of some red ants being eaten by some other preditor insect, she said (and I quote), "Awwww... poor little red ant." And yesterday, she seriously got PISSED OFF at me because I stepped on an ant. What the hell? The child is a damn freak if you ask me. Who likes ants for the love of god. LOL!

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

She's ALIVE!!!

Yeah. I'm here. Sorry I deserted you yet again. I was spending every waking moment last week making 20 layouts for a photo book for Steve for Father's Day. I had an offer for a free one from Shutterfly, but you had to order it by May 31st. Let's just say that exactly 11:59 PM, I clicked Order for that sucker. LOL! You can check it out here if you're interested:

As soon as I got that damn thing done, I had to immediately start on Grace's birthday party invitations. Her party isn't until July 8th, but this is her last week of school so I had to finish them so she could hand them out to the class. She's having a reptile party at a local environmental center. She's pretty pumped since she knows she'll get to touch some snakes. LOL! That kid kills me. Here are the invitations (with any information that would help you find and stalk me blacked out. LOL!):



We also enclosed a request that each child try to bring one item to donate to the center that day. The center has a wish list on their website and it's all little things like Dawn dish liquid, paper towels, acorns, etc. We're all really looking forward to the party. Well, except for my mother-in-law who is TERRIFIED of snakes. But maybe she'll get so scared, she'll shit in a bush again and I'll have another blog story to tell. LOL!

Next is Hannah's party. That's just a small BBQ type thing here at the house, mostly just for family. But that's in like a week and a half, so I have to get my ass in gear today, make the invites, and get them in the mail tomorrow. [sigh] Damn me having two kids with birthdays two weeks apart.

Now let's throw in T-ball games twice a week, other kids' birthday parties, gymnastics two nights a week, and general everyday stuff, and I'm freakin' busy. LOL! But this is Grace's last week of school, and I tend to blog more in the summer for some reason, so hopefully, I'll be around a bit more now. Well, as soon as I finish Hannah's damn invitations. LMAO!

OK gang. I'm off to shower, have a conference call with my latest project team, and put away 8 billion loads of laundry before Grace gets home from school at lunchtime. [sigh] Later gators!