Reading Between the Lines

So yesterday, the company I interviewed with was checking my references. My former manager decided to BCC: me on the email she sent back. She had been asked to fill out a form about me, and as I read it, I couldn't help but laugh. So let's take a look at what she said about me. And then we'll talk about what she actually meant...

What She Said: "Allison is very personable and gets along well with a variety of people."

What She Meant: "Allison doesn't know when to shut up and people are too polite to tell her to, so she thinks everyone likes her."

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What She Said: "While working with members of a development team is not always easy (especially in high-stress situations), Allison's laid back and friendly attitude helped to diffuse tense situations and alleviate some team stress. "

What She Meant: "Allison didn't care about her job or her career, so she was never stressed. It's hard to care about something when you don't give a shit."

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What She Said: "She was very flexible and willing to adapt her work to best meet the needs of the client and team. While some people might be frustrated by last-minute changes, Allison took all of this in stride and maintained a level and positive attitude. "

What She Meant: "Allison was always so drunk, that nothing bothered her."

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What She Said: "I think Allison's greatest strength is her adaptability. Every project has changes and disruptions, and these situations can be exacerbated by team members who cannot adapt. Allison's ability to handle these situations with aplomb put all her clients (internal and external) at ease."

What She Meant: I have no fucking clue. What the hell do half of those words even mean? Aplomb? Did she just insult me?

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What She Said: "I think Allison's greatest weakness is her tendency to neglect formal, proactive project communications. Allison is always willing to talk with her managers about her activities, but she sometimes forgets to put aside her project work for a moment and send status information. "

What She Meant: "Allison thought it was a total waste of time to send an email every freakin' week that said simply, 'I worked on the user guide and online help this week,' so she fought the system and just didn't do it."

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What She Said: "Managers who worked with Allison for any period of time came to understand that "no news is good news," and that Allison would seek them out should any problems arise. "

What She Meant: "Allison only ever actually showed up at the office once a week (if that). If she showed up more than that, we knew something was wrong."

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What She Said: "She is adaptable, dependable, and resourceful. Her ability to manage her own work so independently (and effectively) makes her an asset to any manager. "

What She Meant: "Allison has a fantastic ability to not do any work for months and then crank out her stuff the day before the deadline."