Monday, February 20, 2006


"The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself." ~Benjamin Franklin

I made some baby steps today in terms of the new "goals" in my life. I got a ton of stuff done, felt good about it, ate better than usual for the most part, and had some fun with the girls. There's still a lot more I have to do and things I need to address personally, but it's a start.

In reading my entries the past two days, I sound awfully "deep" about this shit. LOL! It's not nearly that interesting or dramatic. I sound like I'm trying to find god or my inner peace or something. But it's nothing even close to being that intense.

When more than one of you emailed me asking if I'm OK, I thought maybe an explanation was in order. Basically, I've been in a personal "funk" for awhile. Not depressed, because I'm not sad. Just unmotivated. I see things that need to be done and I just don't do them. I can't even tell you why I don't do them. I just don't.

I've also found myself becoming more and more anti-social. Friends call, I see them on my caller ID, and I don't pick up. And then I don't call them back. And worse, I don't really care that I don't call them back (sorry Melissa).

I hate to make phone calls, go anywhere, or do anything. Once I get to the place I'm going, I'm good to go and usually have a blast. Take Grace's gymnastics class for example. I enjoy sitting there and talking to the other mothers I've met. We laugh, we make fun of our kids (shut up... you all do it too), and I have a good time. And yet, every Friday, I have to psych myself up all day long and remind myself that I like to go. It's fucked up to be frank.

The second part of my "funk" is the way I feel physically. I haven't gained a ton of weight or anything, but I'm definitely not in shape either. I'm always tired and have little to no energy. I'm usually stressed out enough so that one little thing can set me off, and I feel old. Way older than I am and way older than I should feel. But if one looks at my typical daily diet and sleep schedule, and then throws in my affection for Marlboro Lights, it's pretty damn obvious what the problem is.

So I'm going to try to make some healthier choices in terms of my eating. And I'm trying to drink water instead of the 3 or 4 sodas I drink every day. I'd like to start exercising, but with me currently looking for a job, I don't want to join a gym until I see if I can even get to a gym once I'm working again. But I definitely need to do something, so I'm tossing around a few ideas for how I can get a bit more in shape.

See? None of that is very exciting, now is it? LOL! But thank you all for your good luck wishes, hugs, and concerns. I really am OK. I just need to stop imagining the life and lifestyle I want to have, and do something to get it. Because as much as I would like it to happen, I know that the Life Fairy isn't going to come sprinkle her magic dust on me and give me the life I want.

Oh, and a PS for all of you gossip mongers out there (and you know you're out there). I would like to state, for the record, that Steve and I are fine. There is nothing wrong with our relationship (other than the fact that it exists at all... LOL!), we're happy as can be, and there will be no divorce papers filed anytime soon (that I'm aware of anyway). These are all things I've decided to do on my own and his opinion/actions/etc. in no way, shape or form influenced my recent revelations. OK. Carry on...


Anonymous said...

Get your shit together!

Alien said...

Oh, my shit's together. Just not in the right way. ;)

Denise said...

Your post totally describes me. It drives Ray nuts when I don't answer the phone, and I don't have caller id either to screen. I've already gained 5 lbs in 4 weeks so that totally blows (yes, I know I'm pg, but it is too early to gain that much), and my house is a mess and I honestly don't know where to start to clean it, except hire a housekeeper. LOL! In my dreams....

Melissa said...

You'd pick up if I called you, right? Right? I have your number...don't make me use it. ;)

So, I've got to ask - are you going to quit smoking? *ducking*

Good luck on the changes, Alien. I really do understand where you're coming from.

Alien said...

LOL! I KNEW someone was going to ask me about smoking and I KNEW it was going to be you. LOL!

Yeah. I will. Eventually. But I'm also smart enough to know that I can only do so many things at one time. I've known for years I've needed to quit, but I actually enjoy smoking. (I don't expect non-smokers to understand that last sentence, but trust me, it's true.)

Anyway, yes, I hope to. But first I need to get a job. (Did you know that when I was working full-time, I never ever, EVER smoked while there? So I CAN go 8 or 9 hours without even thinking about a cigarette, and it doesn't phase me. So it CAN be done...)

But anyway, I need to get a job first (to get rid of that stress in my life).

I just think I need to have a clearer head before I got quitting a full-fledged addition, ya know?

Alien said...

Denise, I think that's part of the problem. I look around and see SO much that needs to be done. And then I get so overwhelmed, that I just don't do any of it. Now logically I know that doesn't make any sense, since I realize that not doing it means it's only going to get worse. But at the same time, I can't get myself to do it. I just shrug my shoulders, say "Fuck it," and continue to ignore it.

Melissa said...

I can't believe I'm the only one who asked it! You know ya'll were thinking the same thing...LOL

Have you ever heard of the book How Not To Be a Messie? It's got some awesome tips for getting organized at home. It helped me a lot.

Mary said...

Sounds like you got a good plan. Now rock it!

(you are not alone in the funk right now. I was just talking to a friend about this, and I'm totally feeling it. I don't know if it's weather related, school burn out or what, but damn I'm not a fun person to be around)

Chelle Y. said...

I am feeling like you too! I have been in a horrible mood since Friday night! I do not even know what's wrong with me!

Chelle Y. said...

Oh, and I just downloaded the song from Simple Plan, "I'm Just A Kid!" Love it because it fits my mood lately! :o) Actually, when I hear it, it makes me laugh.

Slacker Mom said...

It is kind of cultish, but works,, check it out.

Good for you. I know you stop by my blog occasionally, and you can read that I have been processing a ton of crap that I wanted/felt like/needed to be done. I never emant to get that 'deep' on my blog.

Anyway, I said that to let you know that I know where you are coming from. I had to get my butt exercising too, and it's all about attitude and taking it slowly, you are a smart woman to not give up smoking (yet!!), babystep your way to these changes and you can do it!!

Keep us posted.

Renfield said...

I look around and see SO much that needs to be done. And then I get so overwhelmed, that I just don't do any of it. Now logically I know that doesn't make any sense, since I realize that not doing it means it's only going to get worse. But at the same time, I can't get myself to do it. I just shrug my shoulders, say "Fuck it," and continue to ignore it.

I SO know how you feel. It infuriates Bill to no end, too, that I can think this way. And I totally dodge phone calls and avoid going places. I'd be content to sit in my stye allllll day long.

I hope the decisions you have made help you feel better. It is SO hard to pull yourself up when you feel like this. Good luck! And if it works, please share your tips. After my Effexor disaster this weekend I am SO going off this shit.

Alien said...

((((Ren)))) I can't even imagine what it's like with the whole withdrawl thing.

And yes, it infuriates Steve too. This past weekend was the first time where, in talking about it, I admitted that I just can't get myself to care. Up until now, I've made excuses. But this weekend, I just said, "Steve, I know I SHOULD care. I just don't. And that pisses me off too." He's been great. He even commented yesterday when he got home about how much I got done. LOL! Poor guy is living with a psycho. God bless him. LOL!

And a big THANK YOU to everyone else. It's great having so many people cheering you on. :)

EE said...


Sometimes change is good. Sounds like the ones you are trying to make most definately are.


flipflop said...

I haven't emailed anyone about you or phoned you, but I'm glad to know you're okay.

I've started exercising again because I started feeling and looking 'old'. It's depressing when you can 'see' it. One day it just appears in the mirror and then it changes how you feel about everything. You just don't care anymore. All you can think of is the image you saw in the mirror.

Then you go to work on yourself (I even sound old now). LOL!!

Looks like you've got your priorities straightened out, now you're own to working through them. Good luck with all that!

mama_tulip said...

You go, Allison. You pretty much described how I feel, too. Good for you for stepping up and realizing what needs to be changed. :)

Lisa said...

Allison - it seems like you have a lot of company in your "funk". I feel the same way right now, too. I just haven't actually gotten motivated to do anything about it yet. Good Luck!!

Alien said...

((((Lisa)))) I can't even tell you what finally made me decide to do something. Steve and I got in a slight argument (again) on Sunday morning about the lack of things that get done around here (not daily cleaning, because I'm good with that. But the BIG projects, decluttering, etc.). Once we'd cooled down, I finally explained to him how I feel about things (or the fact that I don't feel anything).

I'm so tired of being tired. And I'm tired of the junk around here too. On those days when I DO manage to get things done, I feel great. So why don't I do things everyday? I dunno.

But now that I'm looking for a full-time job again and I'm signing Grace up for more activities, I realize that I NEED to start getting my ass in gear. The only thing standing between me and my total happiness is myself, so I have no choice but to do something, ya know?

Susan said...

Allison, good for you making steps to change what you're not happy with. It's all about baby steps ya know?

There are still days when I'm beat but since I started exercising regularly again I really do have more energy and it makes me a wee bit more patient with my kiddos.

Good luck!

Carrie said...

(((Alien))) I don't have time to respond to all of your posts, but I've been thinking (and worrying) about you lately.

I'm glad to hear you've made some baby steps. Sounds like you have a good plan in place and I'll be here cheering you on every step of the way. ;) [smooch]

Tink said...

If you're going to continue smoking... F'n smoke some for me too. Good luck on the changes. It's good to get shit in order. Change is GOOD! Unless you're talking Hershey Bars.

Renfield said...

If you reaaaaally want to get Steve's knickers in a twist, next time you tell him "I know I should care, but I don't and is pisses me off, too" throw in a "but obviously not enough to DO anything about it". That's always good for a knock down drag out - LOL!

I'm heading to the doctor's. Maybe I'll be off Effexor by summer. Go type "Effexor Withdrawal" into Google. Looks like I'm in for a loooong ride. I'll be calling you to get some of your motivational tips. (I can tell you, though, that working has helped this feeling. I don't know why, but it has).

gb said...

Good luck with your changes Alien! Any change for the better, no matter how big or small, is a good one.

Alien said...

GB! THERE you are! I thought you had deserted me in my time of need. You know... like a typical man. (Just kidding. LOL!) ;)

gb said...

I have had a tough couple of weeks. Two kids passing the stomach/cold bug back and forth, so I haven't been at work a whole lot (where I read your blog-and look for new postings 3 or 4 times a day!).
I'm there for you babe!

Kim said...

(((Alien))) Part of it just might be some winter blues. It's hard to get motivated when the weather sucks. You might get out of this rut when the sun shines and the weather warms up a bit.

I have to say that I'm proud of you for wanting to better yourself though. It takes guts. Just remember that everything will come together and you'll be fine. Hang in there.

Alien said...

((((GB's KIDS))))

I hope that everyone is on the mend and that no more bodily fluids escape. Glad to see you back! :)

beth said...

I finally explained to him how I feel about things (or the fact that I don't feel anything).

Um, Alien, that IS depression, dork. Sadness really has nothing to do with clinical depression.

Good for you (and Steve) for realizing it and trying to do something about it.

I let inertia work in my favor whenever I'm in a funk (trying to remember when I wasn't last. LOL!). Do JUST ONE THING. That's it. No lists. You'll be amazed what a snowball effect that ONE THING has. And if it doesn't, be proud that you finished your one thing. It really helps me.

Good luck!

beth said...

Oh and I SO totally know what you mean when you say you enjoy smoking. I haven't smoked (a cigarette) since January 2, 2002 and I still know I'd enjoy it. I just remind myself that I never ever want to have to quit again. I'm a bitch on a good day, ya know? Fortunately, it's only 2 or 3 weeks til it all passes.

Alien said...

LOL Beth! I probably shouldn't have worded it quite that way. It's not that I don't feel anything. In fact, the clutter and mess annoy me more than it annoys him since I'm sitting in it more often. I just didn't feel like getting off my fat ass and fixing it. LOL! I dunno.

So far, things are great. I MADE myself do one thing the past few days, and like you said, it snowballed into other stuff. So now this morning when I sent both girls off to daycare, instead of turning around and seeing a hell that needed to be cleaned up, I turned around and saw a pretty damn clean house and no mess. Uh, downstairs anyway... One floor at a time, people. LOL!

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