Planet Alien

ONE HUNDRED THINGS

(Inspired by our one and only Katherine.)

1. I love my boobs. I think they're perfect and often gaze at them with admiration.

2. I'm freaked out because I saw a preview on TLC earlier for a new show called "Little People, Big World" that starts in a few weeks. It's about midgets.

3. I'm terrified of midgets.

4. It's because, growing up, I rationalized that they were small enough to hide under my bed and then kill me while I was sleeping.

5. It's why I never really liked "Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory" and "The Wizard of Oz" growing up.

6. I know almost the entire script of "Resevoir Dogs" by heart and can recite it along with the movie.

7. I saw "The Princess Bride" once and hated it.

8. I refuse to watch it again.

9. I also hate all Monty Python stuff. Not funny, people. Not funny.

10. My drink of choice my sophmore year of college was vodka.

11. I could down an entire bottle in one night and could drink it like water. I used to guzzle it right out of the bottle.

12. I also attended many a party where we would drink punch mixed with grain alcohol.

13. I really should be dead.

14. My drink of choice my senior year of college was Jaggermeister.

15. My two friends, Trevor & Brian, and I used to each buy 2 cases of American Lite beer for $8.00 every Friday and Saturday. We would each drink a case of beer a night.

16. Again, I really should be dead.

17. I started smoking my freshman year of college because I was jealous that all the fun, "cool" people used to go outside and smoke on the front steps of the dorm.

18. I met many cool people because I smoke. Smokers have a "bond" that will never be understood by a non-smoker.

19. I gained 50 pounds (literally) my first three months of college.

20. I smashed my nose on a trampoline my first weekend ever at college.

21. My parents, to this day think I was drunk.

22. I was stone cold sober.

23. I didn't drink a single drop of alcohol my entire life until my second semester of college.

24. My junior year, I tore ligaments in my ankle, charging a keg party after downing an entire bottle of Mad Dog 20/20.

25. My roommate and I had one of the biggest parties ever on our college's campus. We had over 300 people stop by our campus townhouse, including the little brother of the lead singer from the band, Live.

26. I have no idea how many guys I have slept with, and probably don't even remember some of them.

27. Frankly, I don't care.

28. I once terminated a pregnancy.

20. It was after I was out of college.

21. I don't regret it as much as many (most) people think I should.

22. I got fired from my first "real" job for having an affair with a married guy.

23. He got fired too.

24. We really did love each other.

25. The pregnancy wasn't from him.

26. I don't care what other people think of me nearly as much as I should.

27. I am probably one of the least judgemental people you will ever meet.

28. Which is why I have no tolerance for people that think they are better than me because they have more money/a nicer car/a bigger house/etc. I hate snobs.

29. I like my online friends more than I like my friends in real life.

30. I often think this is unhealthy.

31. I'm not nearly as close to my sister and my best friend as I used to be.

32. I think it's because I had kids and they both have made the decision never to have any.

33. I would have 5 kids if we had more money and our babies weren't born with reflux.

34. I still don't know if I want a third.

35. I become very emotionally attached to inanimate objects like my car, clothing, our house, etc.

36. It drives Steve insane because he would rather "upgrade" things and get things that are better/bigger/etc. I'd rather hang on to the old.

37. When I was a kid, I used to fantasize that Bo and Luke Duke were both my dads.

38. My theatre professor in college used to be the Executive Producer of the "Dukes of Hazzard".

39. He also used to work on the Archie Bunker show and says he slept with Sally Struthers. (I believe him.)

40. His dad was a famous, award-winning news anchor.

41. Steve always falls asleep right after he opens a fresh beer.

42. It drives me insane because I hate wasted beer.

43. I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I had married any of my ex-boyfriends/ex-crushes/etc. Not because I want my life to be any different than it is now. Just because I'm curious like that.

44. I don't have a single ex I wouldn't say hi to and hug if I passed him in the street one day. (This could be because I was always the one who broke things off.)

45. I dream of the day my house has a huge front porch, complete with a wooden swing and hanging plants.

46. I think that reading and writing are two of the most relaxing and rewarding things in the world.

47. I have absolutely no problem telling people exactly what I think.

48. People either love me or hate me for it.

49. I sometimes wish I was better at editing my thoughts before they come out of my mouth.

50. So does Steve.

51. I would LOVE to be on "Trading Spaces" but I don't really trust any of my neighbors because they're all hick, redneck people.

52. I hate strawberry ice cream.

53. And mint chocolate chip, which everyone else in the free world seems to love.

54. Growing up, my dad would find out bad stuff I did and then not tell my mom.

55. I thought that was cool of him.

56. I got busted my junior year of high school when I changed all of the D's on my report card in trigonometry throughout the year to B's.

57. My dad grounded me for a month.

58. He let me off the hook after a week.

59. I had three friends commit suicide between 8th grade and my senior year.

60. Seeing the effects of this on their families has caused me to think that people who commit suicide are complete cowards.

61. I lost my viginity the week before my 14th birthday.

62. Thinking back, I am horrified about how young I was, but at the time, it didn't seem like a big deal.

63. I lost it under a pine tree in a cemetary.

64. In college, I died my hair jet black. It was a bad, bad idea.

65. I want a tattoo. I know exactly where on my body I want it, and what I want it to represent, but just haven't gone to get it yet.

66. I have secretly vowed to myself to get it before this year's pig roast.

67. I want to get it without telling Steve, because if he goes with me, he'll end up with some ridiculously large, gaudy one for himself and I cannot be a part of that.

68. I used to be much more outgoing and fun than I am now.

69. I want to go back to being outgoing and fun.

70. I just drank the full beer Steve opened (and didn't drink) before he fell asleep in the recliner.

71. I am so used to not having a functioning kitchen that I could never have one again and it wouldn't bother me in the least (as long as I had a sink).

72. Since typing #2, I have seen that damn commercial about 10 times. TLC sucks.

73. I wish I could be a soccer mom. (And I mean that in the literal sense... mini van, soccer practice with the kids, dog, etc.

74. Except I really don't like dogs, so it wouldn't work.

75. I think camoflauge is sexy.(On girls and guys.)

76. I'm embarrassed to admit that I became slightly addicted to "Tuckerville" when it was on TLC and am rather bummed it's not on anymore.

77. I used to hate Tanya Tucker before that show. Now I think we're a lot alike (minus the whole financial status).

78. I would like to lose 20 lbs. by the summer (but I'll take 15).

79. I've painted my nails a total of two times since my wedding day. And those 2 times were done by my children.

80. I just saw that damn midget commercial again. We get it TLC. For the love of god...

81. I used to hate the color pink.

82. Now I love it.

83. In high school, my guy friends and I made a movie called "Afro Cheese".

84. We still talk about it and think it's the funniest damn thing ever to be recorded.

85. Almost every food I eat must involve sauce or condiments. Everything must be dunked, dipped, drowned, drizzled, or slathered with something.

86. Almost every night, I wear the same long-sleeved tee to bed that I wore all day (assuming it's not dirty/smelly/etc.).

87. I only own one pair of actual pajamas.

88. I hate to be itchy.

89. I am fascinated by books/movies/TV shows/documentaries about serial killers.

90. I hate hotels and motels.

91. I'm afraid to go outside in the dark and I get freaked out every time I go outside to smoke at night.

92. It's taken me an hour to come up with the past 10 entries.

93. I hate children's birthday parties.

94. I hate tight fitting clothing.

95. But I wear it anyway because it looks better.

96. Prostitutes make me sad.

97. I hate yellow gold.

98. I prefer silver, white gold, or platinum.

99. I won't go on a kid-free vacation with Steve because I can't stand the thought of not seeing Grace and Hannah for thos days.

100. Steve thinks I'm insane.