Mishmash...

More random thoughts, just because so much has been going on...

I finally succumbed and went to the medical center today to get checked out. I hate doctors and I hate pumping myself full of drugs, so I was avoiding it. But Hannah's sick now too and I had to take her there anyway, so I figured, I'd get myself checked out too. I was tired of not being able to breathe, smell, sleep, taste, etc. Done. So we went, and as I suspected, I had a killer sinus infection. Hannah's hasn't reached that point yet, but her one ear was starting to look red, so they gave us both antibiotics.

Lemme tell you... I popped one of those damn pills the second I had paid for 'em. Must... breathe... again...

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Our friend called around 4:30 and said her, her husband, and their two sons wanted to stop by the house tonight to check out the girls new gifts and visit. I explained Hannah and I were sick and said that it was their choice if they wanted to chance entering Germville or not.

I hung up and then had a marathon cleaning session to get the house looking and smelling somewhat presentable.

They did show up. At 7:45. Twenty minutes before I was going to try to get the girls to bed. [sigh] And this is the girl that NEVER leaves the house once she's here.... The one that calls to invite herself over for a playdate and then stays through dinner and goes home around 9:00. [double sigh]

They left around 9:00 after Hannah was visibly exhausted and ready to crash and her older son had started standing on the BACK of the couch. G'night my friends...

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I keep forgetting to mention this...

So, the sister-in-law that I sort of make fun of that ALWAYS wears khakis and plain colored shirts? Yeah. So my mother-in-law went shopping with her on Black Friday and my mother-in-law told me that she had told SIL to pick a sweater out for Christmas. (SIL is pretty picky (and snobby) about her clothing, so MIL is always hesitant to buy her things.) MIL goes on to say that SIL finds a sweater in the store and says, "I really like this one. How about this?" Well, it turns out that my MIL had bought me the EXACT same sweater for Christmas the week before, but in a different color. Oy. I have mixed feelings about this. It's a very nice sweater. It really is. Classic... brown... comfy. But dear lord, the girl I make fun of for her clothing hand-picked the same damn sweater out of an entire store filled with sweaters. Shit. LOL! (I'm also a little annoyed because I liked the color my SIL got more. LOL!)

So y'all realize that I can never wear that sweater to any event or gathering where my SIL may also be. What if she would decide to wear hers that night? I mean, how queer would that be to show up in matching sweaters? LOL! Ugh. If I start wearing khaki pants everywhere I go, someone shoot me, OK?

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I'm sick of crafts. Kid crafts I mean. Grace seriously got every damn craft set available in stores for Christmas. That's a good thing. She loves anything crafty or artsy. Cutting, gluing, drawing, coloring, painting, etc. She's in her element when she's doing that shit. But um, Mommy's had craft overload. She can do most of the stuff by herself for the most part. But there's always at least 2 or 3 steps that she needs help with. Which is fine. But when I'm in the middle of trying to reclaim my home from all the damn toys and Christmas decorations, it's also kind of inconvenient. And if I have to wipe up one more glob of glue, paint, glitter, or that damn effing sand, I may lose it. LOL!

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And on that note...

Gerald Ford.... R.I.P.
James Brown.... R.I.P.
Saddam Hussein... Burn in hell you mother fucker.

G'night. :)

Open Letter....

Dear Mother-in-Law (AKA, "Shrub Shitter"),

Although we all appreciate your kindness in buying my children very nice presents for Christmas, you really could've held off on the sand art kit. See, trying to get a three-year-old and a five-year-old to dump colored sand out of tiny little baggies and into tiny little bottles using a tiny little funnel is no easy task. I must say that Grace loves it and she does pretty well with it. Hannah, on the other hand, is another story. See, she sees nothing wrong with recreating a sandbox on our table. Frankly, fine, hot pink grains of sand is not something I want all over my house.

So um, next time, when I tell you before a gift-giving occasion NOT to buy anything involving sand or hundreds of small beads, could you, um listen? For the love of god, I would've preferred the beads.

Thanks.
Love,
Allison

So...

It's almost 11:00 here and I'm not quite tired enough to go to bed yet, and I have nothing else to do, so I'm just going to ramble.

Wanna see some of the stuff I made for people for Christmas? OK. Probably not. LOL! But I'm gonna show you anyway. ;)

Here are the ornaments I made for everyone. They weren't that hard to do. The wood was precut into the shapes. I just printed out some digital scrapbooking stuff I did and then used ModPodge (like decoupage glue) to put them on the shapes. Sand all of the edges, add some twisted wire and a bow or two, and you're done. (The two boys on the mitten shapes are my two nephews. I figured my SIL would rather have pictures of her own kids on her ornaments than mine. LOL!)

Here are the CD calendars I made for a few people. And this wasn't my idea at all. It's a pretty common thing among digital scrapbookers. I just scrapped a page for each month of the year. Then you take a regular plastic jewel case for a CD, snap it backwards, and use it like an easel to hold each month's page. (One is in the "easel" in thefirst picture (upper left-hand corner).) My sister, my dad, my FIL, and my MIL all got one for their desks.

I also made my sister this cool tray/wall hanging thing using pictures of her two dogs (which are her "kids"). I do have some pictures of it, but they're on my other computer (which isn't turned on right now), so you'll have to wait until tomorrow to see those. I made her a cool clipboard/picture frame too, but I forgot to take a picture of it before I wrapped it, so you'll just have to go through life never seeing it, which I'm sure is devastating for some of you. ;)

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So other than that stuff, let's see what else is new:

**I still can't fucking breathe (because of the abundance of snot), which is getting kind of old.

** I got a new digital camera from my mom for Christmas, which has me all sorts of giddy. :)

** My mom and I took the girls to see "Charlotte's Web" today. Highly recommend it! Really cute and I'm not ashamed (OK... maybe a little) to admit that I got a little teary at the end when a certain main character kicked the bucket after giving birth to her 500+ babies.

** Steve is (finally) starting not to feel so well and has hinted that if he's still feeling like shit tomorrow, he won't be going to work OR hunting. Shit. [sigh]

** Twenty bucks says that if he does stay home, he'll lie around all day, watching movies and not doing anything. That's not a problem with me at all, but it would be nice if, for once, he'd acknowledge that I've felt like shit for over a week now and still managed to get everything ready for Christmas, including buying and wrapping presents, making presents, taking the girls to various Christmas-related events, and preparing food for 20+ people, all while also taking care of our two children. Seriously... when the hell does mom get to be sick and just stay in bed all day, dammit. [grumble grumble]

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TOYS I WOULDN'T RECOMMEND TO MY WORST ENEMY

(OK... so maybe to my worst enemy... but not to the rest...)

1. Baby Alive: This doll eats baby food, drinks out of her bottle, and then shits herself. Sounds cute, right? Um, no. It sucks. It wouldn't have been bad had the stupid little shit not had a big ol' diaper blowout, causing me to have to clean green "baby poop" off of her back, her legs, her hair, and her dress. Seriously, I felt like I had a damn newborn in the house again. What was really kind of disturbing is that the stupid thing talks too, and the entire time I was cleaning her up, she kept saying, "Let's play! Can we play, Mommy?" I was actually answering her by yelling, "NO! Shut the heck up! I'm cleaning the crap off of you right now!!!!" I think I may have scared my kids.

2. Barbie Dance with Me dance Mat/DVD: OK. So in theory, this one is cute. Hannah loves it, and it really is adorable to watch her in her little bodysuit, sheer skirt, and ballet shoes watching the TV and trying to dance like a ballerina. But the damn song is stuck in my head... And I can't get it out... And that annoys me.

3. The Fisher Price Karaoke Machine Thingamajiggy: Cute, again in theory. But my young children don't know ANY of the cool songs that come with the system, and ONLY know the "Who Let the Dogs Out" song. Cute to watch the first time they sing it, while watching themselves on TV, but now, in my brain, the Barbie ballet song and "Who Let the Dogs Out" song are raging a fierce battle and neither one will get out of my fucking head.

TOYS I WOULD RECOMMEND TO ANYONE:

1. Fisher Price "Read with Me DVD" Sytem: This thing is pretty cool. You pop in a DVD and a story (complete with words) is displayed on the screen and read out loud. It comes with a kid's controller with buttons on it, that allows them to play games on the TV screen after every few "pages" of the story. Cute stuff.

2. GameBoy: Keeps the kids quiet for hours. Good shit, I tell ya.

3. LeapPad Learning System: Again, keeps kids quiet for way longer than I'm used to. However, when buying one, you should probably just buy one for each of your kids so as to avoid the inevitable wars that will break out when more than one child wants to play with it at the same time.

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So my brother bought Grace "The Corpse Bride" DVD for Christmas. This totally cracks me up. He found out a few weeks ago that she had caught "The Nightmare Before Christmas" on TV and LOVED it. So he bought her "The Corpse Bride." It amuses me that any 5-year-old child receives a gift with the word "corpse" in it for Christmas. And yet, I think it's another sign that Grace just totally kicks ass.

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My brother bought Steve and I a "Deliverance" DVD. There's sort of a joke behind it. A few weeks ago, we were all at my sister's house and it came out that Steve never saw it. We were like, "What? It involves incest and banjos... how could you, of all people, not have seen it?" (Steve's dad plays the banjo by the way.) So that day at my sisters, we did a search online to show him the freaky, incest, banjo-playing kid and then when my sister left the room, we set her computer so a picture of the incest dude would flash on her screen every few minutes. It totally cracked us all up. So we open our gifts on Christmas and there it is... a copy of "Deliverance". LOL! We haven't had a chance to watch it yet, but I'm pumped. I only saw it once and it was a long time ago, but I remember really liking it. Of course, this will mean "Dueling Banjos" will be in my head for weeks, but it can compete with Barbie and "Who Let the Dogs Out."

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OK. I could babble for another hour, but I figure this is enough for now. ;)

So how was everyone's Christmas? Ours was great! Well, except for the fact that I still can't flippin' breathe because of my cold/sinus infection/whatever it is I have, and that by 8:00 PM, I was officially done with family, batteries, toys wired to boxes for dear life, and other peoples' kids. ;)

However, now the real work begins. I have NO place to put all of the freakin' crap the kids got for Christmas. Seriously. It's insane. Again, we're blessed that there are so many people in our lives that love our kids. But this is getting ridiculous. Every room of my house is trashed. And I can't put anything away until I get rid of the old stuff that's already here. And it would help if the Christmas crap wasn't still taking up all spare room in the house, but there's no way on god's green earth I'm going to try to un-decorate our monstrosity of a tree and get it out of our house with our kids here and with Steve not here. [sigh]

Help me. For the love of god, help me. LOL!

Merry Christmas from Our Home to Yours...

Grace already got what she wanted. Hopefully you all will too. ;)

Have a wonderful, safe, happy, and non-stressful holiday everyone! :)

~ Allison

Totally random mishmash...

Do you, or anyone you know, use hankies? I ask this because it recently came to my attention that I have several friends whose husbands use them. And these are not old people, my friends. See, I thought only old people used hankies. I find them repulsive. "Hey, let me blow a big ball of green snot into this thin piece of cloth and then wad it up and shove it back into my pocket. And hey, look at this! It's 20 minutes later and I can get it back out and repeat the whole cycle." Ick! Ick! Ick! Words cannot describe how repulsive the whole idea of it is to me. So consider this an informal poll....

Hankies:
1. Disgusting Items for Old People to Use
or
2. Useful Tools for Keeping Your Nose Clean


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Steve went to WalMart 3 days ago and bought both girls a Red Rider BB gun for Christmas. Please keep in mind that my daughters are ages 3 and 5. [sigh] Grace loves to shoot. She's never shot anything more powerful than a BB gun (which, for all intents and purposes, I realize can also be "powerful" in terms of injuries), but she loves it. And she's a damn good shot too. Steve sets her up with "targets" drawn on paper and taped to empty beer boxes. (Can we all say "redneck"?) And she gets pretty damn close to the bulls eye every time. She's been begging for a BB gun for about a month now, and out-of-control hunter, Steve, decided that he would fulfill his daughter's wishes. And of course Hannah needed one too because god forbid if the child has to learn that sometimes her older sister will get things and be able to do things that she just can't yet. [rolling eyes]

Now before anyone goes and gets all anti-gun on me, let me say that I don't really give a shit what you have to say. LOL! I don't like guns, and frankly, they scare the shit out of me. BUT, Steve grew up around guns, is beyond safe with them, the kids are only allowed to shoot under strict supervision of Steve (and again, "only" BB guns), they are more than aware of the damage a gun can do, they know guns aren't toys in any way, shape or form (and in fact, don't own any toy guns), they always wear protective eye gear when shooting, and well... things are just "different" around here. I swear to god, around these parts, kids are hunting 3 weeks after emerging from their mother's womb. (OK... not really, you have to be 12 to hunt here legally, but you get the point...). Steve and I have talked about the whole thing at length and we've decided that we'd rather have the girls exposed to guns at an early age so they know the damage that guns can do. Since Steve grew up always around guns and shooting them so young, he wasn't that fascinated with them. So when his buddies who had never handled a gun before managed to get their hands on one and do stupid things with it and not handle it properly, Steve shrugged it off and walked away because it wasn't such a big thrill.

Our kids will grow up around guns because of Steve's love of hunting. Now they aren't kept in our house and they're under lock and key in another building on our property (as will their BB guns be), but the point is that they're here. So we just feel that teaching them the importance of gun safety and the dangers of guns from the time they can comprehend it, we'll be doing the right thing.

OK... so off my political soapbox now. The main point of this is that my daughters are getting Red Rider BB guns for Christmas and everytime I think about it, I can't help but say, "You'll shoot your eye out, kid!" in my head. LOL!

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I have spent WAY too much time making homemade gifts for people for Christmas, but I think I'm almost done. I'll post some pictures tomorrow, but other than printing out 2 more CD calendars and making envelopes for them, I'm pretty sure I'm done. And that's a good thing because I've about had it up to here with gluing, printing, cutting, drawing, etc. I'm way beyond done mentally with all of the projects and I'm glad it's just about over.

(And yet, at the same time, now that I'm done, I find myself wandering around the house aimlessly, wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do with myself.)

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I'm sick of being sick. My nose is raw from blowing it, I haven't been able to breathe in about 5 days, I can't smell or taste anything, and frankly, it's making me kind of grumpy.

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If Grace asks me one more time how many more days there are until Christmas, I might throttle her. :)

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So anyway, I hope to blog again before Christmas, but if I don't get the chance, I want to wish all of you the happiest Christmas ever. May you all get everything you want, avoid killing any in-laws, get drunk, and come back wit stories. ;)

ABC Meme

I was tagged by Chelle.

The Letter A
Are you agnostic? Ummm... maybe? A little bit?
What is your age? 33
What annoys you? Oh god, lots and lots of stuff. LOL! I'm fairly easily annoyed unfortunately.

The Letter B
Do you like bacon? Hell, yeah!
What is your birthday? May 8th
Who is your best friend? Well, I have lots of wonderful friends, but the ones I tell pretty much everything to are Kim, Melissa, Emily, Allison, Julie, Leslie, Kerri, Tracey, and Jenn

The Letter C
What is your favorite candy? Skittles (the red ones)
Who is your crush? Ooo... Josh Holloway from Lost, Ty Pennington, and the dude on "Men in Trees". Yum!
When was the last time you cried? The other day maybe, but for the life of me, I don't remember why. LOL!

The Letter D
Do you daydream? Sure.
What is your favorite kind of dog? Oh god, most of you know how I feel about pets in general. LOL! But if I HAD to pick I'd pick a New Foundland. Soooo pretty.
What day of the week is it? Tuesday

The Letter E
How do you like your eggs? Over easy (or "dippy" as we call them in these parts).
Have you ever been in the emergency room? Dear god, yes. LOL!
What’s the easiest thing to ever do? Uhhh... eat? Does that count? LOL!

The Letter F
Have you ever flown in a plane? Yes
Do you use fly swatters? If I had one I would. But we don't, so I just use a shoe.
Have you ever used a foghorn? Actually, no.

The Letter G
Do you chew gum? Not often. I'm an Altoids kind of girl.
Are you a giver or taker? Can I be both?

The Letter H
How are you? Ok, other than my kick ass cold I'm nursing.
What’s your height? 5'3"
What color is your hair? Brown with some blondish highlights

The Letter I
What is your favorite ice-cream? Breyer's Cyclone Caramel Tracks
Have you ever ice-skated? Yes
Do you play an instrument? I used to play the flute. I still could if I picked one up, but I don't often do that. LOL!

The Letter J
What is your favorite jelly bean? Cinnamon
Do you wear jewelry? Just my engagement ring and wedding band and white gold hoop earrings
Have you heard a really hilarious joke? Ever? Sure.

The Letter K
Who do you want to kill? All the sick and twisted bastards in the world who take and/or harm children
Do you want kids? Got 'em.
Where did you have kindergarten? Mahoning Elementary School

The Letter L
Are you laid-back? Yes, but not as much as I used to be, unfortunately.
Do you lie? Yes. Daily.
Do you love anyone? Yup.

The Letter M
What is your favorite movie? Oh god, lots... Good Fellas, Casablanca, Dumb and Dumber... The list could go on and on...
Do you still watch Disney movies? Yeah, when the kids do.
Do you like mangos? Nope. They fall into the fruit category, and I avoid them at all costs. LOL!

The Letter N
Do you have a nickname? Yes. Alien is the one used the most though.
What is your favorite number? 2
Do you prefer night or day? Night

The Letter O
What is your one wish? To hit the lottery or somehow come into a buttload of cash. LOL!
Are you an only child? No, I'm the middle child, with an older brother and a younger sister.
Do you wish this year was over? Eh. Whatever. LOL!

The Letter P
What is one fear that you are most paranoid about? My kids getting hurt.
What personality trait would you look for in someone you wanted to date? Funny. HAS to be funny. And social. And realize I'm a total spaz and still love me for it.

The Letter Q
Are you quick to judge people? Oooo... sometimes. But I'm probably slower at it than most people. LOL!

The Letter R
Do you think you are always right? No, but I wish I was.
Do you watch reality T.V.? Oh god yeah... Survivor, The Amazing Race, Apprentice, American Idol, etc. etc.
What is a good reason to cry? Uh, for whatever reason you damn well please, I guess. LOL!

The Letter S
Do you prefer sun or rain? Usually sun.
Do you like snow? Yes, when I'm inside looking out. Otherwise, no.
What is your favorite season? Spring and fall.

The Letter T
What time is it? 8:19 AM
What time did you wake up? 6:30
When was the last time you slept in a tent? Oh god, couldn't tell you. Years and years ago.

The Letter U
Are you wearing underwear? Yes

The Letter V
What is the worst veggie? All of them.
Where do you want to go on vacation? I don't care. I'm pretty easy to please.
What was your last family vacation together? To Amish county in September.

The Letter W
What is your worst habit? Smoking
Where do you live? Northeastern Pennsylvania

The Letter X
Have you ever had an X-ray? Yes.
Have you ever seen the X-Games? Not really.
Do you own a xylophone? No.

The Letter Y
Do you like the color yellow? Eh, it has it's time and place.
What year where you born in? 1973
What do you yearn for most? Financial security

The Letter Z
What is your Zodiac Sign? Taurus
Do you believe in the Zodiac? Eh, not enough to really do anything with it.
What is your favorite zoo animal? Monkeys

Ugh...

Grace and I are getting our asses kicked by a cold. We'll live, I'm sure, but it still sucks. Especially with so much to do this week for Christmas.

I got the brilliant idea to make some of the Christmas gifts I'm giving to people. I'm now regretting that decision since I'm in no mood to do it. But I have no choice because I am officially out of all money until after Christmas. [sigh] Stupid, stupid Allison. LOL!

We have Christmas for my entire family here at our house. That's 12 to 14 people (plus the four of us) that I have to prepare the house and food for. I like having Christmas here, don't get me wrong. But the prep work always kind of sucks. Especially when you feel like shit AND you've decided to be all crafty for people. Shit. LOL!

Yesterday, Steve turned 32. It was a pretty low-key day, but nice.

Yesterday, Grace started begging for a BB gun. What the hell? And no, she didn't watch "A Christmas Story." Steve's friend stopped down with a new pellet gun and asked Steve to sight it in. Grace took a bunch of shots with it and is now obsessed with getting her own gun. [sigh] I'm not sure how I feel about it, but I will say that she is a damn good shot. LOL!

Anyway, I'll be busy this week, but I'll try to pop in with updates and pictures of my oh-so-lovely homemade gifts. (Yeah, right.) LOL!

I'm it.

OK. So I was tagged by both Gracey and Odd Mix for this, so I'm gonna do it. (Not because it takes two people to tag me for something to make me do it... but because the guilt was just getting to me. LOL!)

Six Weird Things About Me...

1. I have weird thumbs. If I hold my hand up flat (like a traffic cop signaling to stop), I can bend my thumb back (without aid of my other hand) so that it's actually horizontal in comparison to the rest of my fingers. If I use my other hand, I can bend it so far back that it points completely down. (I'll post pictures tomorrow since my skills at describing things in words are failing me right now.)

2. Like Odd Mix, fingernails on a blackboard don't affect me at all. But the sounds of anyone chewing, slurping, eating, drinking, etc. their food, literally gives me a chill and I want to hurl. I cannot stand to hear the things going on in other people's mouths.

3. I truly, truly adore my mother-in-law. (That's weird, isn't it? It seems weird based on conversations with friends anyway... LOL!) And really, how can you not love a woman who shits in her sister's neighbor's bushes and gets caught, right?

4. I get great satisfaction from popping zits. Mine... someone else's... it doesn't matter. Seeing those little mini volcanoes erupt make me giddy.

5. I can remember things like birthdays, anniversaries, names, phone numbers, etc. immediately, and if you tell me once I'll never forget it. But even though I was an English major, the second I read the last page of a book, I can't remember a damn thing about the story or who wrote it. I could literally re-read a book halfway through before I realized I had just read it a month ago.

6. I think passing gas is hilarious. I crack up when I do it (even when I'm alone), when other people do it, etc. I think people that are offended by it are just not much fun. What's not to like? The sound alone is hilarious. Throw in some offensive odors and you've got yourself a party in your ass.

I'm just a bloggin' fool today...

So... ramdom thoughts as they come spewing into my half-drunk mind right now...

* No deer. Steve has failed at hunting for the second time in his entire life. LOL! He actually seems OK with it, so here's to hoping that I don't have to hear about it for the next year (or 20).

* Grace was staring intently at me today while we sat on the floor together. I thought she was admiring my beauty. ;) When I finally asked her what she was looking at, she said, "You have a hairy chin, Mom." Uhhh... thanks?

* Hannah heard her and yelled, "Me too! Me too! My chin's hairy too!" (Yeah kid. That's not a good thing, Sweetie.)

* I took the girls to the local strip mall today for a little Christmas/magic show they were having. Hannah volunteered to go up in front of everyone and assist the dude with a magic trick. People this is not Hannah. This is a child who clings to me for dear life when around anyone at all she doesn't know. It was rather surreal actually, and I'm still not sure what the hell the deal was.

* Grace lost her front tooth last night. She's already lost 4 on the bottom, but this is the first one on top. She looks adorable with her little toothless grin (and fits right in in this redneck town).

* Felt my heart swell when she used her tooth fairy money to buy Nana a bouquet of flowers at the grocery store for her birthday that was yesterday. How does a child that wants me to come in and poop in my pants for show-and-tell come up with the idea, all on her own, to buy her Nana some birthday flowers? (And relax people... she thinks she used her tooth fairy money. I have every intention of replacing her cash.)

* So the other night, Steve and I were having a rather civilized conversation about the fact that I don't feel the need or have the desire to reorganize every square inch of our home. (It's the only thing we ever argue about, so the fact that we weren't screaming at each other is huge.) So I finally admitted to him that there are two main reasons I haven't done it. 1) It doesn't bother me nearly as much as it bothers him. And 2) I'm a bitch and part of it has to do with the fact that I'm a bitch and that I like to "spite" him after he makes a comment about it by just not doing it. LOL! He said, "Allison, you are not a bitch. Believe me, the only reason I've stayed with you for 7 years is because of your personality." Um, ok. Sounds sweet at first, no? But then later I translated it to, "Allison, I don't love you for shit. But you're damn funny and my friends dig you, so I've kept you around." LMAO! Sweet.

* I have bought a whopping total of 3 Christmas gifts so far. And I mean TOTAL. As in, one for Hannah and two for Grace. I am sooooo effing screwed this year. I'll probably drop about $300 just for expediated shipping. I suck. [sigh]

* I have a total of $2.00 until Wednesday when I get paid. I smoke and cigarettes are $4.00+ a pack. Shit.

* A car pulled out in front of me today and I flipped off the driver. A few minutes later, I realized it was an old nun. Shit.

* In the grocery store today, I saw an old-as-dirt woman in front of me digging around in her teeth with her finger. I kind of laughed to myself, thinking, "Why do old people always dig their teeth like that." Then, she took her damn teeth out! What the HELL? I shit you not, she pulled an entire upper set of teeth out of her mouth and kept walking with her shopping cart, holding the teeth in her hand. I almost threw up, but managed to hold it in, figuring if I vomited all over aisle 8, I'd be more repulsive than the toothless woman.

* Wanna know what my relationship with Steve is like? So Steve gets home from hunting and at some point, I mention that I've had a raging headache all day long (true story), and even made Steve feel the throbbing vein in my temple. He laughs and says, "And here I was, thinking I'd stay up late and get a little action tonight." I replied (and this is a direct quote my friends), "Well, I can lay there if you want and be the hole you stick it in, but don't expect anything beyond that." LOL! God, I'm the epitome of the opposite of ladylike. LOL! Why do I wonder where Grace gets it from? HELLO! Look in the mirror! LOL! (And if anyone is interested, Steve's response was laughter and, "Oh, that's nice. Thanks for that." LOL!

* I just realized that Steve's birthday is in exactly 8 days. I HATE birthdays around Christmas time. I hope he's not expecting like, a gift or anything. Maybe I can just use the "I'll be the hole you stick it in..." line again and call it a day?

* Mentioned to Steve that my friend (whom shall remain nameless) also celebrates a birthday on that same day. And they were born on the exact same day... as in the same year too. Instead of just letting it go at that, I felt the need to add, "Just think... your mom and her mom could've been pushing you out of their crotches at the exact same moment that day." He laughed, but I could tell the thought of anything involving his mom's crotch wasn't really appreciated. Seriously, I need some sort of brain censor. Something that stops me from saying out loud what's running through my mind. Can one of you buy that for me for Christmas? Because that would be swell. ;)

Uhhhh...

Conversation with Grace today (out of the blue I might add)...

Grace: "Hey Mom, when I grow up and have a baby, will I have to be naked to push it out and born it?"

Me: "Um, yeah."

Grace: "Will the doctors laugh at me because I'm naked?"

Me [chuckling]: "Nah. It's not funny to them anymore because they see that stuff everyday."

Grace [pondering]: "Well..... when did it stop being it funny?"

Me [staring blankly]: "Uhhhh...."

LOL! Seriously. I wish I could live in her head for just one day...

Please pray for Steve...

(Don't worry. Nothing's wrong with him. Don't want to start any sort of panic or anything.)

But see, today is the last day of buck season. It's been two weeks now and today is either do or die. Steve's been up at 3:00 AM every morning for three weeks straight now (the first week was bear hunting season) and wasn't getting home until around 8:30, when he'd immediately pass out on the recliner. He hasn't seen a worthy buck in all those days. He saw a bunch of doe, and although it's legal to shoot doe right now too, Steve has a soft spot for the women-folk and rarely, if ever shoots them. He's also seen two pathetically small buck, one of which wasn't even legal to shoot (it must have 3 points on one side of its antlers to make it legal).

If he doesn't see and shoot one today, this will only be the second year in 20 years that he won't get a buck. His dad and his friend haven't seen or shot one either, which would mean a year without deer jerky. Now I don't care about the lack of jerky, but many others in the family will.

But beyond the meat factor, is the pride thing. To put so much time, effort and energy into something and then end up empty handed would suck, wouldn't it? He claimed last night that he honestly doesn't care and that if he doesn't get one, well, he doesn't get one. I do believe him a little bit. But for the love of god people, I will have to go a full YEAR hearing repeatedly how deer season sucked... and how the deer just aren't around this year... and how so-and-so got one, but so-and-so didn't... and how he's just going to give up hunting (which will NEVER happen by the way)... etc. etc. It's bad enough hearing the same stories over and over about what animals he DID get. I certainly don't want to hear about non-existant deer.

So pray. Pray hard. Pray for him and pray for me. LOL! He has until dark tonight (about 5:00) to see a deer and shoot the little f*cker. SHOOT STEVE! SHOOT!

UPDATE: It's 5:30 PM here and pitch dark. I've received no calls from an excited Steve saying he made a kill. Shit. I am going to hear about this for months people... possibly until next year. [sigh] Would anyone like a roommate for the next year? I don't eat much.

(Disclaimer: If you happen to be one of those people that doesn't agree with hunting, well, sorry. I have no problem with it (if done legally and if the meat is actually eaten). It's a big thing around here and it's Steve's greatest passion. So any (rude) comments posted about how Steve's cruel and we suck will be answered (rudely). Light-hearted jokes about Bambi and all that other stuff are fine. I never liked that movie anyway...)

Thursday Thirteen (12.7.2006)

THIRTEEN SONGS ON MY MP3 PLAYER

OK. So it wasn't supposed to be my MP3 player. It was supposed to be Hannah's. I bought one for each girl at Big Lots yesterday. Grace, I think, will adore hers. I bought one for Hannah mostly so she wouldn't fight for Grace's or break it. But I started buying and downloading songs today to load onto 'em before Christmas and found myself downloading songs that really weren't going to thrill a 3-year-old. So now the sucker is mine. I loaded it up and proceeded to get my groove on, all over the house, singing, dancing, and playing the air guitar, all the while hoping no one could see in my windows. LOL! So um, anyway... onto the Thursday 13.

1. "Son of a Preacher Man" by Dusty Springfield (One of my ALL time favorite songs.)

2. "Build Me Up Buttercup" (Don't tell me you don't belt that song out when you hear it.)

3. "How to Save a Life" by The Fray

4. "Black Horse and a Cherry Tree" by KT Tunstall (I bounce around like a fool when I hear this song.)

5. "I Write Sins Not Tragedy" by Panic at the Disco (I cannot get ENOUGH of this song! But I have to be careful because I keep singing it around the girls and I really don't want them going to school singing, "...closing the goddamn door...")

6. "Lips of an Angel" by Hinder

7. "Hips Don't Lie" by Shakira (I know. I know. I couldn't help it. This song makes me dance and act like a dork.)

8. "Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls (This will ALWAYS be a favorite song of mine. How can you not like it? It reminds me of my days in college, hanging out in the Dell on a blanket with my theatre and musician friends, while they played their guitars and the stupid preps and soccer players gave us weird looks.)

9. "My Wish" by Rascall Flatts (Yeah. Yeah. I listen to country too. So sue me.)

10. "Far Away" by Nickelback

11. "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" by Charlie Daniels (This song always makes me want to learn how to play the fiddle.)

12. "I Loved Her First" by Heartland (I always picture the girls dancing with Steve when I hear this song.)

13. "Savin' Me" by Nickelback

I still have a ton more I want to download... James Taylor, Paul Simon, Blues Traveler, They Might Be Giants, Bush, Barenaked Ladies... Ahhh... the list goes on and on. It's good stuff I tell ya. :)

Catch Up...

In the past two days, I...:

* Made hamburgers out of last year's ground up bear meat. This repulses me in ways you will never know. Not necessarily because it was bear meat. ALL raw meat grosses me out and I HATE touching it. I gag. I retch. But Steve oh-so-kindly asked me to cook 'em up while he was hunting all day so that he could have something to take with him to eat the next day when he went hunting. [sigh] I really am too nice to him.

* Had Grace tell me that for show-and-tell, she wanted me to come into her classroom, poop in my pants (just once), and leave. [shaking head] Obviously, she was kidding, but seriously... that kid has some serious, serious issues.

* In the same breath, she's come home with two awards this week. One for "spreading holiday cheer" by helping her friend recycle paper in class, and one is a Computer Achievement Certificate for recognition of computer and listening skills. So this leads me to believe that she has multiple personalities since it's hard to imagine the child I know getting awards for the things mentioned above. LOL!

* Still haven't seen anymore rodent friends. This is a good thing. I really do think that mouse I scared the other day has spread the word and all of the mice are staying out of sight.

* Had to intervene when Hannah got pissed, picked up her doll's highchair, and whacked Grace over the head with it all WWF style. Sweet and innocent, my ass. Where do people get that idea? [sigh]

* Realized my mother-in-law's birthday is Friday. Of course, since my darling husband leaves the house at 4:00 AM every morning to go hunting and doesn't get home until almost 9:00 at night, that leaves ME to go find her a birthday present. Dammit. This happens every flippin' year. Would it be wrong to just wrap up one of our old coffee mugs that doesn't have any cracks or chips and tell her it's new? LOL!

And now, I must go work. Like actually work. I've been putting it off for days and some people are going to start getting really pissed off if I don't send them some sort of document soon. [sigh] Later...

I Scared the Little Bastard...

LOL! And by little bastard, I mean the mouse I scared back into the hole in the wall with the thrown container of Clorox wipes. We haven't seen hide nor hair of the little shit since my perfect toss and no more mice have been caught in the mouse trap. I'm convinced I either gave him a heart attack and he died as soon as he ran into the wall. Or, he learned his lesson and went down into the depths of our basement and told all his little mouse friends that a psycho lady lives upstairs and they should avoid me if at all possible. Either way, as long as the little shits stay where I can't hear or see them, it's all good. I'm a firm supporter of segregation of rodents and humans. They can live here... just don't let me know it, ya know?

I still haven't started Christmas shopping. I suck. And what REALLY sucks is that everyone in the free world has asked me what to get the girls for Christmas and I gave them ideas. Except now, there's nothing left for me to get them. [sigh] Grace is getting a digital camera (the Fisher Price one), a GameBoy, a stuffed dog that licks you, and an MP3 player (and a million other presents)... all from OTHER people. Hannah's getting a karaoke machine, a Leapster (so she won't fight for Grace's GameBoy), a doll that poops, and an MP3 player. Again... all from OTHER people. So what does that leave me to get her? My poor kids will bound down the stairs on Christmas morning to find some clothing and some art stuff. LOL!

Although, tonight Daddy sat down with them and went through the Cabela's catalog, asking them what they wanted [shaking head]. Grace picked a backpack with a hunting dog on it, a gun that shoots pellets (um, yeah... not gonna happen), and anything else she saw with an animal on it (which is almost everything in the Cabela's catalog). Hannah wants a kid's archery set. [sigh] Crap. EVERY freaking holiday and birthday, someone else in the family is the "hero" that gets the girls that one gift that they really, really want. And then there's me. LOL!

Oh well. I guess I should feel blessed that so many people love the kids and are able to give them things that they enjoy. But my kids will grow up thinking that Santa totally sucks at giving them gifts, but Grandma, Nana, Pappy, Aunt Kristin, and Uncle Kyle kick ass. LMAO!

I suppose that instead of sitting here blogging, I should be surfing the net, looking for cool, creative gifts for my children, no? And I'm off...

Dear Steve (Part 3),

Now you REALLY need to get your ass home. I was all happy and calm, thinking the little shit of a mouse in the trap was it for now. But noooo... I just had a 3 minute stare-down with one of his little bastard friends, who is, most definitely, still alive. The little fucker was like 8 feet away from me and didn't flinch when I yelled, made noise, stomped my feet, and acted like an idiot trying to scare him into the crack in the wall he was standing next to. He didn't move until I threw a container of Clorox wipes in his direction.

So hon, get your ass home NOW and do something about these little rodents that seem to think they can make themselves at home here.

Love,
Your wife.

Dear Steve (Part 2),

I changed my mind. I'm glad you left for most of the day. But now you need to get your ass home. Because, see, that mouse we saw running through the kitchen the past two nights is now dead in the mouse trap in the sun room, about 10 feet from me right now. And there's no way on god's green earth I'm touching the damn thing. So for the love of god, get your ass home and remove the critter from my home please.

Thanks.

Love,
Allison

Dear Steve,

PLEASE, for the love of all things holy, go hunting. I know it's foggy and that makes it tough to see the animals you're supposed to be hunting. But maybe you'll get really lucky and one will just walk right up to you. I'm sure it could happen. And even if you don't see any animals, don't you want to go out anyway, just to enjoy being surrounded by nature. Please? Pretty, pretty please? I need my silence on the days the girls aren't here, and frankly, you just don't ever shut up. So I love ya and all, but um, go away, OK?

Thanks sweetheart!

Love,
Me

I'm Here and I'm Queer...

OK. So I'm not actually queer in the homosexual sense, but I've always loved that little rhyme. And I always add the "... and I'm queer," part in my head when I or someone else says, "I'm here." I need a life, eh? LOL!

Anyway, I know I've been sucking at this blog thing. It's funny how the holidays make you busier, isn't it? And when husbands are home more often than usual, it's also hard to hang out on the computer all day. Bastards. Every one of 'em. ;)

We had a really nice Thanksgiving. The day after, we headed to the tree farm and put up and decorated our Christmas tree. I think it's my favorite one we've ever had so far. The branches go all the way to the ground which rocks!

I spent the rest of the weekend continuing to decorate the house (inside and out) for Christmas, taking the girls outside for some more leaf jumping (the weather's been GORGEOUS), and trying to regain some control of the clutter in my home (and failing miserably). Throw in some actual paid work and some more digital scrapbooking for Christmas gifts, and there was little to no spare time here lately.

So I have no exciting news or stories to share, and nothing interesting to say really. But I wanted to let you all know that I'm here... (and I'm queer.... See? I can't not say that. LOL!)

Sooo...

I've come to a conclusion. I only bother with you people when I'm trying to avoid something else. LOL! This blog is a wonderful procrastination tool.

So if I'm enjoying myself, digital scrapbooking or whatever... "Eh. Screw blogging today. I don't have anything interesting to say anyway."

But if I'm trying to avoid updating a computer software manual with screenshots or cleaning my pigsty of a house... "Hmmm... I think I'll go check in with my blog readers and see what's shaking."

LOL! I'm mostly kidding. It's just always so busy this time of year. And god forbid I let my children out of my sight when they're here because that would inevitably result in another broken item of furniture/knick-knack/bone/etc., and me having to break out the ol' can of whoopass again. [sigh]

So bear hunting season started on Monday. That means I see very little of Steve. That's not necessarily a bad thing, since it does mean I don't have to worry about cooking full meals and stuff. But it also means that I'm responsible for all kid/house/chore/shopping/etc.-related issues. Yay.

Steve informed me last week that in just 2 short weeks, I'll have a stuffed, once live bear in my flippin' living room. The bear he shot last year is almost finished at the taxidermist. Now, when he originally decided to get a full mount, it was my understanding that the monstrosity would be kept over in our rental unit in the backyard, which has become Steve's "hunting room". But I've recently been informed that there is no room over there and that he wants it here in the house. Um, dude? And you think there's room in here? Crap. I'm still not sure how I feel about the whole thing, so I'll have to post pictures when good ol' Smokey arrives and we can discuss. LOL!

Alrighty gang... I really do have to go update that user's guide now and clean this hellhole before Crack Kid #1 arrives home from school (early dismissal today). So I want to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving! Have a blast, eat a lot of food, get a lot of sleep, and come back with stories to share about Crazy Uncle Jimmy and how he got all sorts of drunk again. ;)

Later!

Free to Good Home...

Two Children, Ages 3 and 5. Three-Year-Old Doesn't Eat Much, But Requires Lots of Milk. Five-Year-Old Eats as Much as a Grown Man, But Mostly Healthy Food. Padded Room in Home Would Be a Good Idea. Also Put Away All Breakable Items Around Home in Order to Avoid Daily Disasters. Must Have Patience in Order to Avoid Throttling Them. Recent Activity Indicates They May be on Crack, so Being in a Good Financial Situation Would Be Best.

Call 1-800-HELP ME2 if Interested.

Tales From a Redneck Wedding - Part II

OK. So the reception was, um, interesting. Nothing too exciting actually happened, but there was definitely a lot to look at. They say a picture's worth a thousand words, so without further ado, I present you with these gems...

Now before y'all start saying I'm a snobby bitch, I will say this. Although this type of wedding reception and attire isn't necessarily the usual in this area, it's also not completely unheard of either. In many ways, it was more fun than a "traditional" wedding reception. Everyone there seemed to have fun, which is really what's most important. But it definitely makes for good blogging material, no? LOL!

Part II Coming Soon...

Sorry gang. Part II needs photos and I haven't had a chance to edit/shrink them yet. Be patient my friends. I'll get to it sometime today... LOL!

Tales From a Redneck Wedding - Part I

OK guys, so my cousin's wedding is/was today. It's a joke of a relationship, I really can't stand my cousin, it's her second marriage, and frankly, she's an idiot. No one in my family wanted to go to this thing. So anyway, the girls and I are home from the ceremony (Steve's on his way home from climbing around a mountain somewhere) and are waiting for Steve to get home and the reception to start. So far, just from the brief 20 minutes at the church, I've seen/witnessed/heard/noticed:

* The father of the bride (my uncle, whom I adore) is wearing a tie with fish all over it, that he proudly proclaimed was free when I told him I liked it.

* The sister of the bride (my other cousin) is sporting jeans and a button down blouse (tell me again why I went out and bought something to wear for this shindig).

* The sister of the bride's children are wearing T-shirts with animals on them and cargo pants.

* About 30% of the guests were in faded, and sometimes ripped jeans.

* Matching, exposed, large shoulder blade tattoos on both bridesmaids. (Which in and of itself wouldn't phase me. But when thrown in with this other stuff, it had to be mentioned.)

* The sister of the bride and her DH not leaving the ceremony when their almost 3-year-old (in the animal T-shirt) was pitching a holy fit, screaming, crying, and throwing his bag of Chex Mix around the church.

* A fairly overweight woman with the largest breasts I've ever seen wearing a black mini skirt, that, kid you not, comes to just under the bottom of her ass cheeks.

* An older man, who was standing next to me leaving the church, grabbed the little bells we were suppsed to ring. He turned to me and said with a smirk, "Are we supposed to ring this whenever we get lucky tonight?"

Oh... my... god guys. Even my dad, upon exiting the church and catching a glimpse of the large micro-mini wearing woman at the same time I did, turned to me and said, "Well, the reception should be interesting." ROFLMAO!

Needless to say, I've already cracked a beer, Steve is designated driver tonight whether he likes it or not, and there's no way on god's green earth I can forget to take my camera to this thing. Stay tuned... I'm sure there will be WAY more to tell tonight. I'm off to the Beaver Run Rod and Gun Club.... (I'm not shitting. That's actually where the reception is. YEEHAW!!!!!)

Holy crap, you people are a pain in the ass...

Sheesh! A woman doesn't blog for a day... er... a few days... um... a week and all hell breaks loose in my email inbox and in my blog comments... "Hey Allison, where are ya?"... "Alien, are you OK?"... "Hey bitch, where the hell have you been?...." LOL!

I'm totally kidding about you being pains in the ass (pain in the asses?). I'm touched that so many of you are bummed when I don't blog. I don't even really have an excuse. Nothing seemed particularly blog-worthy. And stuff that did at the time, I'd forget by the time I had a chance to come here. Throw in three birthday parties, a wedding, early dismissal for Grace three days this week, a parent/teacher conference, a husband that was home all day yesterday because of the rain, kick ass shows at night, and me digital scrapping my ass off to make Christmas gifts for people, and well, there isn't much time left in the day. LOL!

But I'm here. I'm fine. And I promise to be back again soon. Maybe even later tonight. ;)

My yard is a dangerous place to be...

That's what I learned the other day when the girls and I went out front to rake and jump in the leaves out there.

First, the yard is teeming with leaf monsters. They're horrible, evil creatures that look like a pile of leaves with a human head. You have to be careful, because they can get pretty vicious when provoked.




And then if you're not really careful, the Leader of the Leaf Monsters will hover over you in his UFO and try and shoot you with laser beams.

LOL! Seriously though, how cool is that last picture. And no, I didn't plan that or even notice it until I uploaded the pictures onto my computer. Weird.

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In other news, I'm pleased to announce that Grace has been chosen as Student of the Month for her classroom for November! She's soooo proud (and so are we). They choose one boy and one girl out of each classroom in the elementary schools. She'll have her picture and a short biography displayed on the school bulletin board all month, and her name will be in our local paper sometime next week. Yay!

It's always kind of nice when your kid gets recognized for something good like that. You just have to think that you must be doing at least something right in raising them, ya know?

Ahhh...

Much better day today. Nothing earth-shattering took place. But it was a nice, fairly calm day.

Grace's school had a big hayride/games/activity today at the school, so she had fun and all of the kids dressed up and "paraded" around the school for parents in the afternoon. Grace is kind of "over" the punk rocker costume since she's already worn it twice (at least), so she dug out an old witch's hat and cape and I cut off an old black, sparkly dress of mine and she went as a witch instead today. She looked really cute!

I made a kick ass dinner tonight. For someone who primarily eats junkfood, I must say that good, hearty, red meat filled dinners are a favorite of mine. Mmmm... steak.

Daylight savings time is kicking the kids' asses... "No Grace, we are NOT getting up right now at 5:30 AM and going downstairs to watch TV..." [sigh]

We're out of beer. ACK! The horrors! But it's OK. I didn't have that built-in wine rack installed in my kitchen for nothing, my friends. ;)

My good friend and his girlfriend had a baby girl the other day! WOOHOO! (I realize none of you give a shit, but Steve and I are virtually the ONLY people in our entire group of friends and family that have girls. Literally. So it's nice to throw another girl into the mix.)

CSI: Miami is a rerun tonight. Um, why? What the hell? Didn't the new season just start?

I LOVE Prison Break! And even more so now than when the guys were actually in prison. It should just be on 5 nights a week. Yeah. That's it. That would rule.

The accountant dropped Steve's quarterly taxes off today and fixed some stuff that was screwed up (nothing major). I HATE dealing with Steve's business stuff. It makes me itchy because Steve is Mr. Anal Retentive boy. I realize this is probably good when dealing with a business, but it still makes me want to hang myself. Good times, I tell ya.

When Grace got home from school, the girls and I went outside to rake leaves and jump in them. They were COVERED with teeny tiny pieces of leaves that were stuck to them, in their shoes, in their socks, down their pants, and in their hair. Leaf removal from their hair took me a good 30 minutes. Good times, my friends.

Just realized how rambling this post is and decided to stick to beer from now on. Wine makes me stupid, apparently. LOL! G'night.

Hello, gang.

I'm here! I'm here! (I said that as if you all care, didn't I? Yeah... that's the ol' superiority complex coming out again. I'm working on that.)

Anyway, I can't believe the weekend is over already. Holy crap! I can't say I'm not happy about it. The weather sucked, the girls were out of flippin' control for about 97% of it, and tonight (just tonight), I've decided that all men suck ass. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with them? I'd give just about anything for like 1 day inside one of their heads, just so I could possibly figure out what the hell they're thinking most of the time. I mean, are they really that dumb? [sigh] Ok. Ok. Enough of the man bashing. I actually like men. For real. (Just ask any of my college friends. They'll tell ya. And they've got proof.) But all kidding aside... what is your problem? Anyway... moving on...

I've decided that my family and I are going to try that new lifestyle that everyone's talking about. The one where we don't eat at all. Because given the cost of flippin' groceries these days, I've decided that eating isn't really necessary, right? My god. I ran to the grocery store today and grabbed maybe 20 things. And please understand that 4 of those things were packs of Ramen at 14-cents each, and 5 others were cans of catfood at 5 for a $1.00. And the bill was still $80. What... the... hell? So I'm in the process of trying to convince Steve that yes, organic is good, but no food at all is even better.

I was impressed with Hannah who went from drawing just large, circular scribbles on a piece of paper, to drawing people, complete with all body parts, including hair in just the past 3 days. Screw Picasso (did I even spell that right?...)... Hannah's in the house, yo.

I also decided that women, despite my glowing post of them a few weeks ago, really do suck. First they're your friends. Then they're not. Then they are to your face, but not when you turn around. Then they sort of are, but only if you're not still friends with so-and-so who did something to your second cousin twice removed 10 years ago. Again, I ask... what the hell?

I admit, I've been guilty of every scenerio I've mentioned above. But it was when I was like, oh, I dunno... like 13. Now if I've been friends with someone and we're not anymore, it's because they either... A) Did something I felt was totally uncalled for... B) Directly tried to harm me or piss me off in some way... or C) We just drifted apart and there are no real hard feelings... we just don't really have much to talk about anymore. Regardless of which of the above three things I've mentioned, it usually just resulted in me saying what I needed to say and moving on (or saying nothing at all and moving on). What's with the constant bashing of people, the ignorant comments, and the sly little remarks on blogs/in person/in emails/etc. Am I the naive one? Because I live in Allison's World, where everyone doesn't get along, but people accept that some people don't like them and that's the way the world works. It doesn't make me self-righteous, or egotistical, or even a bitch. It's just that I don't like you and you don't like me. That's cool. Rock on with your bad self. I feel it's good if we can agree not to like each other and we move along. Apparently, however, I'm the only one living in "Allison's World."

So tell me, is my "screw it" attitude a bad thing? Because I always looked at it as a good thing... You don't like me? Shit. That sucks. [shrug] Ok, then. It was nice knowing you while I did and I'm sorry that's how things worked out, but I wish you well... Apparently, that's not how the real world works though. Huh. Weird.

At this point, I would just like to once again thank the inventors of Marlboro Lights and Miller Lite. Although I may change my tune when my two children are old enough to be enticed by your evil offerings, for now, I would just like to offer you my praise.

Um, I guess that concludes tonights ramblings. Please keep in mind that we always start drinking on a Sunday when the Steelers game starts, and well, it started at 4:00 today, so... Yeah. Um, see ya tomorrow...

Thursday Thirteen (October 26, 2006)

THIRTEEN THINGS THAT MADE ME HAPPY TODAY...

1. Sending both girls off to school and sitting down with my laptop and my cup of coffee in the silence. Ahhhh...

2. Playing around with Internet Explorer 7 (I installed it last night) and being rather giddy with some of the cool new features.

3. Making the decision to defrost some ground beef (organic, of course) to make tacos tonight. We don't eat much red meat anymore, but dammit, I'm craving tacos and we're gonna have 'em.

4. Cashing in all of the change in the house at the CoinStar machine at the grocery store and getting back $41.00 in bills. Sweet.

5. The Burger King worker who threw three Ranch dressings into the bag to go on my crispy chicken salad (which I'm totally addicted to by the way). I always order extra dressing, but normally that means I get two, not three. It must be my lucky day. LOL!

6. Hearing MC Hammer on the radio on the way home. Hammer Time BABY! Can't touch this...

7. Hearing "LaBamba" immediately after MC Hammer, and realizing I still know every damn word of that song. Granted, I don't know what half of the words mean in English, but I can sing them in Spanish like the Latina I so long to be.

8. Eating the tacos. Mmmmm...

9. Snuggling with the girls to watch "Monster House". Why are kids always so damn warm? I'm always in a constant state of freezing, so feeling their warm hands/faces/feet/etc. always makes me smile.

10. Remembering to set the VCR to record CSI. I forget every flippin' week, so the fact that I now have an hour's worth of good television to watch another night this week makes me happy.

11. Breyer's Cyclone Caramel Tracks ice cream. Mmmm... an orgasm in a container.

12. Watching Hannah run around the house in Grace's old witch's hat and cape, yelling that she's Nanny McPhee.

13. Beer. Beer is always something to smile about.

TOTAL randomness...

Phone Conversation with Steve today...

Steve: "Did you remember to go to the bank?"
Me: Yeah. "Why?"
Steve: "Oh, no reason. I just thought maybe you forgot."
Me: "No, I didn't forget. Loser... So, when are you getting home?" (I wanted to know because it was trick-or-treat night tonight in town and I wanted to make sure he'd be home in time.)
Steve: "Why? Are you horny?"

Seriously, what the hell? Um, no, Hon. No, I'm not. LOL! What a freakin' dork! Men are weird.

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Our town's trick-or-treat night was tonight. And for the love of god, PLEASE don't ask me why it was tonight because I don't know. I've looked into it and I can't find a reason anywhere. All I know is that the Wednesday before Halloween is always trick-or-treat night in the area, and has been since I was a kid. It's odd. It's weird. And it makes no sense to me. But it is what it is, so we go with it. LOL!

Anyway, it turned out to be a lot of fun. The girls had fun, I got a shitload of exercise, and I realized, as I squirmed my way through literally hundreds of kids on the sidewalk, that my town really does totally rock. Small towns rule.

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My sister-in-law has been abnormally, over-the-top nice to me lately and it's freaking me the hell out. This is the same girl who despised me (and everyone on Steve's side of the family) a few short years ago, didn't come to our wedding, and never acknowledged the birth of Grace. (She's also the one who owns stock in khaki shorts and pants, but I digress...) Anyway, she's all chatty with me these days, calls me, etc. I'm not necessarily complaining because I'm all for family members getting along and stuff. But it's just not like her, so I don't know what's up.

And she's been drinking beer at family gatherings lately. This is also odd for her, so I'm wondering if the two are connected... "Hey! I'm kind of drunk! I think I'll actually like Allison today." LOL! Hmmmm.....

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People, in general, were cranky today. Bitching about each other/to each other/around each other/etc. I started the day not being in the mood to listen to it and just shrugging it off or shaking my head, wondering what the hell was wrong with people.

But then I ended the day being bitchy myself (for no particular reason) and bitching about other people too.

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Story From the Weekend...

So Steve and I went to a Halloween party last Saturday night. We actually had a blast and I'm glad we went. But there was one particular girl there that Steve knows from high school. I can't stand the girl. Now before y'all go assuming I have no reason, let me say that I am friends with every single other female friend that Steve has in his life. I think they're funny and fun and I can sit and talk to them all night long.

But there's this one particular girl named H. When Steve and I first met and got an apartment together, Steve ran into her and told her to come check it out, meet me, etc. She said (and I quote), "Well, give me a call when your old lady's not there and I'll come see it." Um, excuse me? Now I can assure you that this was not her evil plan to bed Steve in his new apartment. She's just a bitch. Most other girls hate her. And she knows it, so she prefers to just associate with guys. Which is totally fine. But when your guy friends find girlfriends and get married, you need to accept that girlfriend/wife whether you like it or not.

She is the one person I wouldn't "allow" Steve to invite to our wedding and I still stand by that decision. I've talked to the girl a total of ONE time for a whopping 10 minutes and it took every ounce of self-control to not punch her in the face. She was going on... and on... and on... about how she couldn't understand why every guy in the universe wouldn't want a piece of her. And how she was too good to date anyone other than a doctor, lawyer, etc. I kid you not. She said these things.

So anyway, after the Halloween party on Saturday, Steve laughed and said that I've "made H. afraid" to talk to him. I was like, "Huh?" And he said that at the party, she said, "I'd talk to you more, but I know your wife hates me." (See? This is where the part comes in that I have no problem letting someone know I don't like them.) And then Steve told me that his response to her was laughing and, "Oh please... Allison doesn't hate anyone. Seriously." So when he first told me all of this, I was kind of happy, thinking he really thought I was a truly good, nice person that had no room for hatred in her heart. But the more I thought about it, I realized he was probably being sarcastic. OR, he has another wife and he got us confused. [sigh] Asshole. LOL!

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I'm down another 5 lbs. without even trying. Sweet.

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I'd write more, but I'm flippin' tired and Grace just woke up. It's off to Dreamland for the people in this house (after my bedtime Marlboro Light, of course).

A Glimpse Into My Future...

So last night, the local strip mall had trick-or-treat night for the town kids. We go every year. At each storefront, the kids play a little game and then get some candy, chips, little toys, etc. So anyway, we got the girls into their costumes and it dawned on me that in about 10 years, I can totally see Grace actually looking like this.

Only the colored hair and the tatoos won't be fake. [sigh] ...

Recap of the Day (October 20, 2006)...

Uh, sort of anyway. This may actually span a few days.

* We've seen a few more fleas in the house. Nothing to panic about, but it did mean I have to resume daily vacuuming for awhile and I had to respray the whole house again today. (sigh)

* Totally forgot about Salinger's vet appointment on Wednesday to get his blood sugar rechecked and see if the pills he's been taking are working for his diabetes. Crap. Need to reschedule that. (sigh)

* Have been having "issues" with my laptop where it suddenly decides to just shut off for no apparent reason. Lovely. (sigh)

* My free "Jessie's Girl" ring tone wouldn't download to my phone. (sigh)

* Decided my old ringtone was cool too. (The song goes... "Bartender, I really did it this time. Broke my parole to have a good time. When I got home, it was six AM. The door was locked so I kicked it in...") Snort! (Thanks Jenn!)

* Dropped over $100 at WalMart today, gathering "supplies" for Halloween costumes for Steve, Grace & Hannah. I had NO intention of spending that much, but I must say that Hannah and Grace are going to look adorable as a rock star and a punk rocker. I actually can't wait to see them all dressed up.

* Bought biker boots for Grace that were too small, so I had to take both girls to WalMart with me when they got home from school.

* Spent 20 minutes trying (fruitlessly) to convince Grace that the other black biker boots would look way cooler with her punk rocker costume than the Barbie pink cowboy boots she had decided on. (sigh)

* I lost. (sigh)

* Had to yell at Hannah to take her pants off when we got home because she was going to rip off the little beady-like things off the cuffs that I had just put on in order to "rock star them up."

* Had bought wigs for both girls (one black and one blonde) that were ridiculously cheesy and crappy upon opening them.

* Convinced them that the ponytail holders with the multi-colored fake braids attached would be way cooler. Especially sticking out of the black and pink newsboy hats I had bought them.

* I won.

* Although I LOVE that Grace has become extremely interested in words and how to spell them, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little sick and tired of spelling words for her all... day... long...

* And even that wouldn't be so bad if she could write faster and I didn't have to respell the same word 85+ times in 5 minutes.

* Asked Steve if we can go to the Blues Traveler concert next month when they play literally right down the street.

* Got a whiny, "But that's a Monday night," as a response. I'm sorry, Hon. When did you turn 80? Because I think I missed that birthday. (rolling eyes) I'm not asking you to drive to another fucking state for the love of god...

* Just realized that as I sit here typing, Skid Row and Warrant are right down the street at the same place Blues Traveler will be playing at. God I had a crush on both lead singers. Do you think if I go hung out outside, that I could get a tour of the bus or something?

* By the way, as a side note, this place is the same place I saw Rick Springfield in concert three (or four) years ago, where I stood literally 20 feet from him and watched him perform "Jessie's Girl" live. (happy sigh)

* Remembered the ridiculous amount of middle-aged girls at that concert who still had feathered hair and tapered, acid-washed jeans. (And it was obvious that this is still regular, everyday attire for them and that they were not just dressed that way for the concert. Oy.)

* Realized I can no longer ignore my children this evening and that I really must go get their pajamas and get them the hell to bed on time. They are miserable (and driving me up a flippin' wall.)

I just received an email...

from Cingular, giving me a coupon code for one free ringtone out of their store for my new cell phone. I browsed through their hundreds of ring tones under every category you can think of. I (right now anyway) refuse to pay two to three bucks for a brief 5-second song clip for a phone few people will ever call anyway, so this was an important decision for me. Because unless people are going to give me gift cards for ring tones at Christmas, whatever one I chose tonight was going to stay on my phone for a loooooong time.

And so I browsed. I browsed in Alternative, Pop Rock, Country, Classic Rock, Classical, Hip Hop, Urban... You name it, I browsed.

And what did I end up with? A song that has withstood the test of time... [drumroll please]... "Jesse's Girl" by Rick Springfield. All is now right with the world...

And apparently, I need a son too...

Or maybe a husband that's a trucker. Because I walkie-talkied Steve today and said, "Foxy Lady to Sniper. Come in, Sniper." LMFAO! Oy. We're so gay. LOL!

(More blogging later. Steve had the shittiest day of work ever and he's sending me for a case of beer. LOL!)

How many children do I have again?

I'm not so sure. Because everytime Steve walkie-talkies me on our new phones (three times today so far), he ends the transmission with, "Over and out." Seriously dude, you need a son.

And I need a new avatar picture, don't I? New one coming soon...

Thursday Thirteen

So Steve decided he needed a new cell phone. And actually he did. When one has their cell phone antennae duct taped to their phone and the phone can only be charged in a certain position in one's truck, it really is time to get a new one. I haven't had one for years now. I used to have one when I commuted so far to work. But then I started working from home and it just seemed like an unnecessary expense. And I figured I grew up without having the convenience of a phone on me at all times, so I wouldn't succumb to society's pressure to get one. Yeah. That's it. That's the reason.

Anyway, so he decided he needed a new one and also decided he needed one that has the whole walkie talkie feature that Nextell has. But his current plan was with Cingular, so he decided he wanted to get one from them. He also decided (for reason unbeknownst to me) that I needed one too. Um, OK. Never mind that I pretty much only leave the house 3 days a week (4 if I'm lucky), and that when I do leave, it's for 30 minutes at a time, tops. If you say I need a cell phone, Hon, I'm all for it.

So we headed to Cingular and bought ourselves some new phones. Sweet! So this leads me to my Thursday Thirteen. Without further ado...

13 Things About My New Cell Phone That Make Me All Giddy

1. It matches Steve's. We have identical phones. How gay (and yet irresistably cute) is that.

2. I can take pictures and video with it. So if I ever find myself in a situation like Amber, where I forget my camera and I'm in a particularly photo-worthy situation, I'll be golden. ;)

3. It's its own little light show. Pretty blue lights flash around the rim whenever it rings. What's even cooler is that I can set the lights to flash differently depending on who it is that's calling me.

4. I can download ring tones and set a different song to play for each person that calls me. I told Steve I'm downloading "Loser" by Beck as his ringtone on my phone and he wasn't nearly as amused as I was.

5. I can set a picture of a person's face to appear on my outside screen whenever that person calls me. I asked Steve if I could have a picture of another part of his body appear when he calls me. That would be weird, huh?

6. I can play Tetris on it. This translates into entertainment when I'm sitting at the girls' gymnastics classes twice a week.

7. It has voice activated dialing. I can say, "Call Steve," and that's exactly what it'll do. How come the people in my family don't listen as well as that? Now if I could just teach it to drive to the beer distributor and grab me a 30-pack, I'd be golden.

8. I didn't pay for the phone, nor will I be paying the montly bill. You just can't beat that.

9. It has a calander in it. No more missed birthdays, people. Woohoo!

10. I can email people wherever I go. Email is my life people. I'm a happy, happy camper.

11. I can prank call all of the people I can't stand since no one knows the number yet.

12. I can be one of those cool people that talks on her cell phone in totally inappropriate places like nice restaurants and movie theaters. (I'm kidding.)

13. It fits in my pocket. And I can set it to vibrate. Enough said.

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Today, I remembered some other commercials that I love. The Capital One credit card ones. Seriously, whoever works in Capital One's advertising department should never be fired. First, we had the positively hilarious ones with David Spade and that chubby dude that worked in the office. The one where the weight lifting dude comes into the office and chases the chubby guy over and around cubicles literally made me piss my pants every time I saw it.

And now, let's throw in their commercial last year where they talk about "block out dates" on their credit card rewards program and the family shows up at the grandparents' house and try to celebrate every single holiday in like, a weekend. And the family that goes to the ski resort when there's no snow and the dad and mom go hurtling down the mountain, smashing into and flipping over trees. Oh... my... god... To flippin' funny.

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And to summarize my take on the Thursday night shows I watch (no spoilers)...

* Meredith continues to be a whiny, wishy-washy loser who I wish would fall off the face of the earth.

* I used to like George's girlfriend. Now, I'm beginning to want to bitch slap her.

* The gray-haired photographer dude on "Six Degrees" is friggin' HOT! Mmmm... Sweet. (I've always had a thing for older, gray-haired dudes. Just shut up.)

* Ozzy on Survivor is totally the type of guy I would've dated in college and right after I graduated. What a fine, fine speciman.

Let's Talk About Ads...

OK. So tonight, I was thinking about commercials. I love commercials. Odd, I know. But some of them are so damn funny that I can't help but love them. And some are so annoying that I can't help but hate them.

Let's talk about the ones I hate...

Hated Commercial #1: Nuvo Ring. I think that's what it's called. It's that birth control ring that a woman shoves up her crotch and leaves there for a month. Now I'm all for birth control that requires little thought or maintenance. But the commercial has got to go. There's that perky woman in it. And the commercial is cheesiness personified. Birth control pills "raining" down on the perky bitch as she holds an umbrella over her head... Birth control patches that rotate as she walks through them... But even that I could deal with. But the end kills me every time. The woman sets her feet shoulder-width apart, pumps her right fist into the air and says, "I say, 'Let freedom ring!'" Are you freaking kidding me? Seriously. I wouldn't use it now just on principle.

Hated Commercial #2: It's an old one. But that one about the medication for toenail fungus is gross. The one where the cartoon fungus lifts a person's big toenail, crawls underneath, and sets up camp is positively repulsive. Ick.

Hated Commercials # 3 through # 1800: The yogurt commercials with the white chick and the black chick who are beyond gay. (Gay in a cheesy sense... not a homosexual way.) The actual brand of yogurt escapes me now, but the latest one is where the chicks are in their fluffy white bathrobes are are talking about the new chocolate yogurt... "It's multiple orgasm with chocolate drizzled on your naked body good..." [insert giggles here] OK. So they don't actually talk about orgasms in the commercial, but you know the commercials I'm talking about. Women don't act like that. And we don't sit around discussing our food in ways normally reserved for our latest crush, so knock it the hell off, would ya?

And so as not to end on a bitter note (because y'all know how much that bothers me.... LOL! Yeah. Right.), let's talk about at least one that I love...

That new one with some cellular phone company's new "feature" where you can "Add 5" to your phone. I guess it's the 5 people you talk to most and can call for free, whether they use the same cell phone company as you or not. One guy confronts the other about his girlfriend being in the other guy's "Five". Guy #2 brushes it off, but then his phone "rings" and the ring tone is the song, "Secret lovers... That's what we are..." and the guy says, "I should probably take that now." Snort! Cracks me up every time. LOL!

So anyway, you're turn. Any commercials you particularly love or hate? Tell us about 'em....

Random Thoughts...

* Having paid work to do is great.

* Having so much to do that you don't get much sleep kind of sucks.

* I've learned never to send late night emails to people other than my friends. I sent a rambling, incoherent email to my co-worker two nights ago and had to make up a big, complicated story about what the hell I was even talking about.

* Also learned that one of the guys on our project team is a total dickwad and it makes me want to bash his head in.

* I'm pumped about TV tonight. LOST first. Sawyer... Mmmmmm. And then "The Nine". Did anyone else watch this last week? I LOVE it. Good shit. Catch it this week if you didn't watch it last week. You've only missed one episode, so you'll be OK.

* I haven't spotted a flea on me in days. Steve saw a few two nights ago, but I think I've gotten it pretty much under control. With a few more days/weeks of maintenance, I think we'll be golden.

* Salinger was diagnosed with diabetes. We're trying a pill for two weeks, but if that doesn't work, they want to put him on insulin shots. I love the little guy, but I am not giving my cat shots everyday, so we'll see what happens...

* To whomever the "Anonymous" commenter is making remarks to another person we know, please stop. I, for one, have remained friends with the person you're trying to call out. But even if I hadn't, I'd still continue to delete your comments. I don't want this blog to be a place where people bash each other. I can bash whomever I want to in my posts because it's my blog. You? Not so much. Thanks, girl.

* I've noticed that on days where both girls head off to their respective schools, I'm much less likely to do things like shower. Nice.

A few pictures from the weekend...

I wish I could write more about the weekend, but I (once again) have a big deadline this week AND two kids here today, so I have no free time what-so-ever. But I wanted to share a few of the pictures from the bazillion things we did.

Don't anyone panic!!!!

LOL! It's me. I'm here!

This is not the new blog look I was going for, but I temporarily switched back to a plain 'ol Blogger template until I get a chance to customize my own. I'm hoping that those of you that were having problems can now see it correctly.

Sorry I didn't post yesterday. Busy, busy. And I can't post much now because Grace gets home from school in an hour and then we're heading to a birthday party at a apple/pumpkin picking patch. I was excited about it all week, but it's effin' COLD here today and we haven't seen the sun once, so that part's gonna suck. LOL!

Anyway, I'll hopefully get the new look up and running soon. Let me know if you freaky people still aren't seeing this right. ;)

(Oh, and I deleted one or two previous posts because the way HUGE pictures in the post was making the sidebar appear all the way at the bottom of the screen (which may be why some of you were seeing it all wonky before).)

Daily Recap (October 4th, 2006)

* Woke up and sent Hannah off to daycare with my mom.

* Got Grace ready for school by standing in the middle of her bedroom and doing a cheer, complete with leg kicks and "spirit fingers" to the tune of "I'm a Pepper. You're a Pepper. Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too?" but substituting the word "Pepper" with "weiner". (Get your minds out of the gutter. She had put on her T-shirt which had a little gingham weiner dog on the front. Pigs.)

* Remembered I hate the whole concept of cheerleaders and stopped.

* While waiting at the bus stop, saw THE coolest, most perfect spider web I've ever seen in my life in a tree, complete with webstrings to other nearby trees and bushes. Grace and I were fascinated.

* Waved goodbye to Grace, came back inside and started busting ass on the spreadsheet that was due last week. [sigh]

* Continued working on it for hours, all the while thinking I should really vacuum the whole house again and possibly respray.

* Ignored myself again.

* Finally decided it had to be done for my own peace of mind.

* Drove to WalMart and bought 8 more vacuum bags (you're supposed to vacuum every day for 2 weeks straight after you spray), and 3 more cans of flea spray.

* Got in line and realized that the cashier is a friend of mine that is married to a guy I graduated with.

* Felt the need to explain my odd purchases to her, feeling all sorts of skanky the whole time because we have fleas.

* Realized that lots of non-skanky people have fleas and to get over myself.

* Discussed our mutual friends' upcoming baby shower and Halloween party.

* Just remembered after writing that that I'm supposed to email her all that information. Crap.

* Left WalMart and grabbed a Burger King crispy chicken salad on my way home.

* Got home, shoved the salad down my throat, and grudgingly got up to start the damn flea killing again.

* Began spraying and vacuuming the whole... damn... house again.

* After 5 minutes felt myself getting lightheaded and my throat getting scratchy from the fumes. Shit.

* Found Steve's big ass gas mask and put it on.

* Continued spraying while laughing at how stupid I probably looked.

* Briefly considered snapping a picture of myself to post here.

* Decided that would be stupid.

* Vacuumed and sprayed some more, all the while talking to the fleas... "C'mon out you little bastards. Suck in the gas you son of a bitches..."

* Realized that professional help may be in order (for me... not the fleas...)

* Finished and decided I needed some fresh air, so I headed outside for a cigarette. (LOL!)

* Got Grace off the bus, where I greeted her with the weiner cheer again.

* Wasn't sure how to respond when Grace "answered" me with her own little cheer another girl in school taught her. She said, "You. Me. Wait a minute. Put a little bone in it." I have NO clue what that's supposed to mean, nor do I know where the little girl learned it. But my mind immediately went to pervertive things and I became slightly disturbed, yet had to laugh at her.

* Heard all about the pep rally they had at school today and smiled to myself when Grace told me how excited she was that they got to high five the high school sports players on their way out of the pep rally.

* Hung with Grace for awhile before heading to my mom's to retrievethe little demon Hannah.

* Came home and played "store" with the girls. (I "bought" a book, a doll, and one Barbie walkie-talkie.)

* Read the newspaper and learned that The World's Largest General Store will indeed rebuild, the fall festival is still going on and was even yesterday right after the fire, and that until there's another building built, they're going to sell merchandise out of big tents on the property. And all employees have either been transferred (immediately) to the three other (smaller) satellite stores in other towns, or will be used at the old location in the tents. God, I love this town.

* Just heard on the news that this is mental illness awareness week.

* Realized that considering my life the past week or two, there could not be better timing.

* Waited in anticipation for the season premiere of Lost.

* Got my first glimpse of Sawyer a few minutes into the show and realized that there really isn't a more perfect speciman on the planet. Oh... my... god...

* Realized I might be seriously disturbed when I got a little turned on seeing him in that big wooden cage like an animal. (Did I mention it's mental illness awareness week?

* Just realized that there are 2 other people I told I'd email and haven't yet. God, I SUCK at this whole friendship thing. [sigh]

Recap of the Day (October 3, 2006)

* Woke up between two fast asleep children that were practically suffocating me.

* Got Grace dressed for school and waited at the end of the driveway with her for the bus.

* Made up a little song about farting (she calls it "fluffing") because she had let one rip and was paranoid I'd tell the bus driver. (I'm so flippin' mature, let me tell you.)

* Got phone call # 1 from Steve, telling me to watch the news because The World's Largest General Store (the best place ever in our area), was on fire.

* Turned on the news to find the entire place was completely destroyed. I'm devastated. We LOVE that place.

* Got phone call # 2 from my sister who was working at the court house, but no bosses were in today, so she decided to spend the day calling people.

* Got phone call # 3 while on the phone with my sister. It was the vet saying that Salinger is, indeed, diabetic, but that they want to run "one more quick bloodtest" in regards to the anemia. Uh huh. Is this "quick blood test" another ninety effin' dollars like last week's was? [grumble grumble]

* Decided not to call them back until my paycheck clears.

* Got phone call # 4 from Steve, telling me that the entire World's Largest General Store was indeed gone. (Thanks buddy, but I've got access to the TV and internet all day, so I kind of already knew that.)

* Made phone call # 5 to my mom at work to tell her about the World's Largest General Store fire. (Seriously people, we LOVE this place. Some of you have been there, so you know how much it rocked.)

* Finally decided it was time to shower or something (or stop neglecting my 3-year-old) and headed upstairs.

* Showered up and asked Hannah if she wanted to walk up the street to the gas station. (I needed cigarettes, but we're going to pretend I just wanted some fresh air and exercise. Uh huh. Right.)

* Halfway there, realized that this little adventure that should've taken all of 15 minutes was going to take a good hour, thanks to Hannah's insistance that we stop every three steps to look at trees, water, leaves, rocks, etc.

* Cursed the fact that she had brought a damn Barbie doll with her [shudder], and I had somehow got stuck with the evil bitch in my jeans pocket with her peroxide blonde hair sticking out of the top of my ass.

* Arrived at the gas station and found out a bomb threat had been called into the local high school. What is wrong with the world. Dear lord...

* Arrived back home (50 minutes later) and convinced Hannah to come inside for a drink.

* Grudgingly vacuumed the whole damn house from top to bottom again in an attempt to rid said house of all fleas in all stages of their life cycle.

* Tried to sneak outside for a cigarette, but Hannah found me and insisted on staying outside. Shit.

* Watched her collect rocks and sticks from the side of our house and put them in a bucket. Oh, to be a child again...

* Was informed by my oh-so-bossy three-year-old that I was going on a treasure hunt whether I liked it or not.

* Was also informed that I was to go inside and get a piece of paper and a crayon and meet her in the swingset playhut so that she could draw the treasure map before we embarked on our hunt.

* Followed little Hannah around the yard as she rambled on about pirates and mice and going to the doctor and something else that escapes me right now.

* Leaned against the wrought iron fence in the front of our house while Hannah opened the gate, walked through it, closed the gate, and repeated for a good 90 minutes.

* Heard her saying something about boats and escaping crocodiles or something, but she wouldn't repeat it, so I let her have her fun.

* Let her color on the fence with a teal crayon (because I knew it wouldn't show up through the damn rust on the thing).

* Coaxed her back inside after a few hours. A smoker's lungs can only take so much fresh air, ya know...

* Hung out with her on the couch while we watched some freaky kid show.

* Watched her become possessed and start throwing a holy tantrum because I wouldn't take her ponytail out. (For the record, I tried, but she flipped out and started screaming, "NO! NO! NO!" When I stopped, she started screaming, "TAKE IT OUT! TAKE IT OUT!" Seriously, is three too young to take Prozac?

* Got Grace off the bus.

* Broke up two physical fights between Grace and Hannah. Seriously children, knock it the hell off, would ya?

* Took Grace to gymnastics class.

* Came home and bathed my filthy children, only breaking up one kicking fight between them. [sigh]

* Told them to go play Beauty Shop while Mommy cracked open a beer and caught up on some email. (Such a stellar example of mothering I am, no?)

* Played with the kids a bit and got them to sleep (after threatening Hannah three times to just STOP TALKING). Seriously. I laugh in people's faces when they comment on how sweet and quiet Hannah is. Yeah. In public maybe. At home, she's the spawn of the devil in a little 28 lb. package.

* Watched "Dancing with the Stars" only so I could see Joey Lawrence and Mario from "Saved By the Bell". Mmmm....

* Was guilted (by myself) into coming here to post this daily recap after several of you commented on how much you missed them. [sigh] You people are killin' me. ;)