Friday, September 15, 2006

ACK! I almost forgot about the shitting MIL story!

LOL! OK...

So it's about 2 hours before Grace's open house at school and my mom informs me that her and my dad are going too. So as not to upset MIL and make her think she wasn't invited, we called her to tell her what time it started. She said she had been having diarrhea on and off throughout the day, but that she thought she was OK at that point and that she'd be there. Dandy.

So we get there and head to the auditorium to hear about the PTO, the new assistant principal, etc. I see my MIL stand up to leave. She says that her stomach is killing her and that she really needs to get home, if you know what I mean.

So she leaves and later, she tells us what happened next.

She starts driving home (about 3 or 4 miles from the school) and realizes she's not going to make it. So she whips into the parking lot of her sister's apartment to relieve herself (about 1/2 a mile from the school). She's banging and banging on the door. No answer.

So she goes to the door of the woman who lives in the apartment next door. She knows her, so although a bit awkward, she could indeed ask to use the woman's bathroom. She's banging and banging. No answer.

At this point, she realizes she is absolutely NOT going to make it home. There's no way. So she has no choice (well, not really), and she drops her drawers and proceeds to explode into the neighbor's bushes. Now this in and of itself is funny. But it gets better...

As she's losing 10 lbs. in the bushes, the neighbor opens the door and proceeds to ask her what exactly she's is doing. My MIL starts yelling at her, "Go back in the house, Violet! I'll tell you later! PLEASE go back in the house!" (All of this is as she's still having explosive diarrhea in the poor woman's shrubs.)

Now by this point, Steve and I are laughing so damn hard, we have tears just streaming down our faces. I mean, can you even imagine? We almost had to perform CPR on each other because neither one of us could breathe.

So she finishes "doing her business" and then has to knock on the neighbor's door and say, "Violet, I am so, so sorry I shit in your shrubs." (Steve and I are now rolling on the floor together, holding our sides and pissing ourselves.) Violet, a sweet old lady is very nice and says, "It's OK, Sweetie. It happens." Um, it does? Is this a common phenomena of which I am not aware? Am I missing out on all sorts of cool and hip Shrub Shitting parties? Because if I am, I'm pissed. I want some of that action too.

Seriously guys, I have not laughed that hard in a long, loooooong time. I literally almost peed in my pants laughing so hard. WHY she even told anyone about it afterwards is beyond me. I'm telling you, I would've taken that secret to the grave.

And as a bonus to the story, her ever-so-loving husband, after hearing the story, went to get them ice cream that night. When he got home, he came in and told her in a dead serious voice that he had gotten pulled over by the cops. That they had an APB out for a car with her license plate number and that they wanted to fine her for indecent exposure. OMG! I sooooo wish I had been there for that little acting number because I can assure you, my MIL probably believed him for a good 15 minutes before he told her he was lying. ROFL!

Seriously guys, I'm almost pissing myself again just retelling it. And I said it last night and I'll say it again... ask me why I drink. I dare you. LMAO!


(And on a totally unrelated note (sort of), if any of you digital scrappers out there happen to follow my profile link on one of the digital scrapping blogs I sometimes comment on, I would like to apologize for my use of profanity and my topic of discussion today. Although I do curse a lot at times, I can assure you, that defecation is not my normal conversation topic. But you've got to admit... it is funny.)


Emily said...


There are no words...

jeanne_bean said...

That is too f'ing funny! Your poor MIL. I can't even imagine the desperation it would take to think of asking an acquaintance to poison her bathroom... TFS! That is classic.

September said...

OMG...that is the funniest thing I've read in a looooong time. BTW, does your MIL know about this blog?

Chelle Y. said...

Thank God, I am not the only one that happened to! LOL! Hehehe!

Kim said...

PIMP! I don't even think you could make up a story that good!

(((Alien's MIL)))

Amber said...

Fuuuuunny shit. LOL

Oh, and, you rock.;)


Susan said...

OMG, I'm laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes.

(((Alien's MIL)))

Alien said...

LOL September! No, she doesn't. In fact, she doesn't even know what a blog is. This is the same woman who called me a few weeks ago to come to her house because she couldn't figure out how to print pictures off her computer. (Um, press the button with the picture of the little printer? LOL!) So I'm pretty sure I'm safe.

Amber: You're not so bad yourself. ;)

mamatulip said...


Tink said...

ROFLMFAO. I think she trumps poor Eric's experience: