Highlights and Observations of the Day (Thursday)...

1) Laughed my ass off when our crazy neighbor asked us for white shoe polish. I looked down at his feet to see one bright white sneaker and one dingy, (and totally different) white sneaker. He said he wanted to polish the old dirty one so it would match the new white one better. [shaking head]

2) Literally gagged when I watched Steve drink a Dixie cup of straight vinegar because he heard recently that it's good for the digestive system. Seriously dude, seek help.

3) Marveled at the human body's ability to take solid food that you've just eaten and turn it into liquid that comes spewing out of your body just 5 minutes later. It really is a fascinating process.

4) Dropped a brand new unwrapped tampon into the toilet and refused to reach in to get it out.

5) Crossed my fingers as I flushed and hoped it would go down without involving any sort of plunging.

6) Decided there was a conspiracy against me when I had to go run some mandatory errands and there was a train, a bridge inspection, and two "Oversized Load" trucks that added 20 minutes onto my trip while I squeezed my ass cheeks together and willed my body not to crap.

7) Promised to stop talking about my shit to the rest of you poor souls. I swear I'm done now.

8) Walked out of the notary office to find that lovely Aunt Flow had decided to make her presence known to the rest of the world, and had deposited a lovely quarter-sized stain on the front of my khaki capris.

9) Had no choice but to continue to the post office in spite of it because I had to overnight Steve's medical records to Aetna and I only had 15 minutes left until the deadline was up.

10) Clutched my bright fuscia and black purse (free with the Seasonale birth control pills given to me by my OB) in front of my crotch the entire time, probably drawing more attention than the stain would've.

11) Received phone calls and emails that I will officially begin sub-contracting with my old company starting next week. The assignment is for 40 hours a week for 6-8 weeks. However, since I still intend to keep the girls in daycare only part-time, I'm foreseeing a lot of late nights and weekends filled with tech writing work. Joy.

12) Just shook my head when for the entire ride home from my parents' house, the girls sat in the back, making farting noises and calling each other "Stinky Butt" and "Poopy Head." Such little ladies I have.

13) Realized that me joining in and singing the "Diarrhea Song" probably didn't help matters... [If you're walking down the hall, and you hear something fall... Diarrhea... Pbbblt! Pbbblt!... Diarrhea!... Pbbblt! Pbbblt!]

14) Hoped I'm not the only one who used to sing that song growing up, because otherwise, you'll all really think I have some serious issues...