Highlights of the Day (Friday 9.30.2005)

1) Grace woke up this morning in a good mood. (Always a plus.)

2) Hannah woke up an hour later in an equally good mood. (Both of them? On the same day? Holy shit! Hell has frozen over!)

3) My bliss was erased 30 minutes later when Hannah had a tantrum about her wardrobe again and the fact that 60 degree weather really is too cold to wear a sleeveless button-down blouse. [sigh]

4) Wondered how much coffee I could consume in one morning before my heart palpatated so fast that I died.

5) Emailed my project manager and told her I wouldn't be around much today because I had "caught my husband's stomach bug". (Total lie.)

6) Made phone call to Kitchen Guy, inquiring about which appliances we need to order (and get measurements for) before we can order the cabinets.

7) Turns out it's all of them, which is fantastic because I could inform Steve that we will buying a refrigerator, stovetop, built-in oven, and built-in microwave this weekend. (ANY progress is a good thing as far as I'm concerned.)

8) Wondered how many times in one day a person can hear, "Is it time to go to gymnastics yet?" from their 4-year-old before their head explodes.

9) Enjoyed a wonderful outdoor lunch with Grace of ham & cheese sandwiches and Snapples as Hannah napped.

10) Took mother-in-law along to Grace's gymnastics class and realized that she really truly does know every single person on the face of the planet.

11) Had dinner of Chicken Selects with buffalo and ranch sauce bought by the mother-in-law upon leaving gymnastics class.

12) Decided that I need to take mother-in-law to gymnastics class with us more often. Like every week or something.

13) Laughed my ass off when my mother-in-law dumped a can of Campbell's chicken pot pie soup in a bowl and nuked it in the microwave and tried to pass it off to her husband as take out soup we got somewhere in town on our way home from McDonald's.

14) Laughed even harder when he only ate 4 spoonfuls and said it was the worst tasting crap he ever ate in his life.

15) Chugged a beer when Hannah decided (at 8:30 this evening) that she didn't want the bowl of cereal she had just asked me for, and tipped over her snack tray, sending the bowl of cereal across the room and onto the area rug in the living room.

16) Was even more annoyed that this was after a 10-minute tantrum because I had put her cereal in the purple bowl and not the green bowl... which matched her Winnie-the-Pooh spoon... which in turn, matched her Winnie-the-Pooh PJs. I finally relented and dumped it into the green bowl. Two minutes later, it was on the floor. Son of a bitch!!!!

17) Took the opportunity to again inform the girls that once we have a kitchen again, ALL food will be eaten at the island and not in the other various rooms in our home.

18) Was quite disappointed to find out that our town's "Oktoberfest", which is being held this weekend, isn't serving alcoholic beverages and that root beer is as close as I'm going to get to anything with the word "beer" in it. [sigh]

Highlights of the Day (9.29.2005)

1) Sent both girls off to school again.

2) Told myself I had to get actual work (for my job) done today.

3) Finally went through the mountains of clothing piled in the bottom of Grace's closet.

4) Became depressed when I saw how little clothing she actually has for the upcoming fall/winter season.

5) (Thankfully) saw Salinger showing signs of constipation again this morning and penned him upstairs with his litterbox before he could piss on random beds (like Steve's). Yay me.

6) Ran to the grocery store at 8:30 this morning to grab my Vanilla Cinnamon creamer. One's day is never good without coffee that's to her liking first thing in the morning.

7) Grabbed another bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit from McDonald's. Ya know... since it's right there in the same parking lot and all. (Shut up.)

8) Talked to our kitchen guy today and we're really rolling along now. Cabinets should be ordered in the next week or two, which means he can schedule us for installation, which means Steve HAS to have everything ready by that particular date.

9) Outright told the kitchen guy that he and I are going to schedule it ASAP whether Steve likes it or not. He was more than willing to help me out. Good guy, that Randy. ;)

10) Was reminded (by Steve) that buck hunting season will occupy him for 2.5 weeks in November/December, and that kitchen progress will slow (or stop) during that time. Uh huh. Sure it will. You just keep telling yourself that, Stevie Boy.

11) Ate Chef Boyardi mini shells with meatballs for the third meal in a row. I love those things.

12) Wondered if fruit punch "spoils". Because the stuff I just drank now that's been in the fridge for a week or two was nasty.

13) Was amused when Steve outright forced my father-in-law to open the Snapple that we gave him before he left so that Steve could see what trivia was on the cap.

14) Forgot to wash out my crockpot from the other night. Again. [sigh]

15) Was pleased that it's cold enough tonight for me to wear my Old Navy velour pajama pants for the first time this year. YAHOO!!!

Highlights of the Day (9.28.2005)

1) Breathed a sigh of relief when I sent both children off to daycare this morning.

2) Felt guilty for #1.

3) Couldn't believe how cold it was this morning. Not complaining... just saying.

4) Received call from Honda saying they want their money. Bastards.

5) Called Steve to ask for money. I hate that. (So does he.)

6) Discovered the joys of Skittles in their new "Smoothie Mix" flavors.

7) Wondered if I'm the only person who says, "Yellow and blue make green," in her head whenever she closes the seal on a ziplock bag.

8) Had a McDonald's bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit for breakfast. Mmmm... yummy!

9) Flipped off some guy who apparently thinks that turn signals are optional.

10) Decided that even more annoying than being put on hold, is the woman's voice that comes on every 30 seconds that says, "You are on hold. Your call is important to us. Please remain on the line and your call will be answered by the next available customer service representative." Yeah. Um, the classical music blaring in my ear kind of clued me in that I'm on hold. There's no reason to remind me repeatedly.

11) Argued with Hannah the entire car ride home that she is not a boy and is indeed a girl just like Gracie. See, in Hannah's head, her and Grace are always opposite... "Grace likes mommy, and I like Daddy"... "Grace likes milk and I like coffee..." So see, it's perfectly logical that since Gracie is a girl, Hannah is a boy.

12) Prayed to the check gods at the grocery store that mine would go through and I wouldn't be standing there with $200 of groceries and no way to pay for them.

13) Fulfilled my eye candy desires when Sawyer played a large part in tonight's episode of "Lost". Mmmmm....

My Amusement for the Day...

So I bought this toothpaste last week at the grocery store. It's Crest Whitening toothpaste and attached is a "Bonus" tube of Cinnamon Crest. Great. I didn't buy it because it had the free extra tube of toothpaste attached, but it was a nice surprise.

So this is how the boxes were packaged together...

I then opened the "bonus" box, figuring we'd use the tube of cinnamon toothpaste first. Inside that box, I found a MUCH smaller box. I kind of laughed, thinking "Those bastards."...

I then opened that box and found the smallest tube of toothpaste I've ever seen in my life. Seriously... this is my "bonus" tube of toothpaste?....

And just so you can see how small it is, here I am holding it in my not-that-large hand...

Highlights of My Day (Tuesday 9.27.05)

1) Was aggrevated (like every other morning) to come downstairs and find that Steve had opened every damn window in the house again. Dude, I'm all for fresh air. Really, I am. But NOT at 6:30 in the friggin' morning, when that "fresh air" is a mere 61 degrees. KNOCK IT THE HELL OFF!!!!!!

2) Pathetically gathered up every piece of change I could find, so when Hannah and I went to the grocery store, I could dump it all into one of those change machines and get some cold hard cash.

3) Bought refills for my Glade Plug-Ins and made the momentous decision that I could, indeed, purchase the cinnamon apple scent, which is (as far as I'm concerned), strictly a "fall scent."

4) Was amused/annoyed/worried when I found Hannah sound asleep on the recliner at noon. Why, you ask? Because she was scheduled for her 2-year checkup at 1:00, meaning I'd have to wake her after a pathetic 30-minute nap. Joy.

5) Wondered why every other day of her life, I have to fight with her just to get her to take her nap before 2:00. Little shit...

6) Had a brief moment of panic when Grace claimed she couldn't hear ONE SINGLE BEEP in her left ear when given the hearing test at her 4-year checkup.

7) Figured if she really couldn't hear out of that ear, it would at least explain a lot about why she never seems to listen to me when I tell her not to do something.

8) The doctor said her hearing was fine based on what the nurse had written down while administering it. Huh? Um, OK. If you say so...

9) Was so proud of Grace when she comforted Hannah during her exam, kissing and hugging her and telling her everything would be alright.

10) Laughed when told that one child is in the 95th percentile for her weight and height, and the other is in the 25th for weight, and the 50th for height.

11) Wondered how come I'm not still in the 25th percentile for my weight. [sigh]

12) Watched the first episode of "The Amazing Race: Family Edition." I was pretty into it. It may not suck as much as I originally thought it would.

13) Had a friend offer me her size 4 jeans that are too big for her. First of all, um... bitch. Second of all, a size 4? Hon, I don't know what you were smoking when you met me in person, but whatever it was, apparently causes you to see people at about half the size they actually are.

14) Watched a dude come and chainsaw apart a tree next to our driveway at 9:00 tonight when I called to report that the tree had fallen and the only thing holding it upright was the electrical wires running from the street to our house.

15) Laughed out loud when he didn't know I was watching and he yelled "Yeehaw!" when he cut that final branch and the whole thing fell.

Highlights of the Day (Monday 9.26.05)

1) Hannah woke up at 5:00 AM due to another damn diaper leak. Stupid, stupid bodily fluids!

2) It was too close to her normal wake up time to put her back to sleep. Dammit to hell...

3) Hannah's screaming at 5:30 AM (because I wouldn't let her put on the button down shirt she found in the dirty laundry basket), awakened poor Grace and put me in a foul mood right from the start. (Jesus kid, at least let me have my coffee first...)

4) Was told by 4 or 5 "friends" that I went and got myself knocked up (not those of you that commented here). I am NOT pregnant!!!!!

5) Wondered how such a small child like Hannah can cause such a large amount of aggrevation and frustration.

6) Hannah peed twice on the potty tonight and twice on our backporch.

7) Had a revelation that allowing your naked child to hang out and pee on your backporch while you smoke a cigarette and talk to a friend on the phone probably isn't the classiest thing you could do.

8) Decided I didn't care.

9) Made dinner tonight that ended up with a rather um, interesting, taste.

10) Just squished a little bug on my screen that wouldn't GO THE HELL AWAY!!!!

11) Was annoyed (and yet titilated) when "Prison Break" flashed "To Be Continued..." on the bottom of the screen at 10:00. Damn, I hate that. I don't have the patience to wait another week to find out what happens. Don't these people know that?

12) Decided that whoever came up with the whole "To Be Continued" concept for television shows is a pure genius from a marketing/ratings standpoint.

13) Grace ate pickles and string cheese at 9:30 this morning. That's just wrong. Freak.

Highlights of the Day (Sunday)

1) Hannah slept until 8:30 this morning woohoo!

2) Of course, Grace was up at her normal 6:30, but one out of two ain't bad.

3) Took the girls to my friend's farm and pumpkin patch for a day of goat petting, sliding, milking cows, playing with kittens, face painting, pumpkin picking and hot dog eating.

4) Came home and Grace painted her pumpkin... her face on one side, and mine on the other.

5) I have green hair, according to Grace (on her pumpkin anyway).

6) Steve and I celebrated our anniversary by eating hot wings, drinking beer and watching the Steelers lose. Bastards.

7) Got a call that a friend of mine had her baby girl today. Hooray!

8) When I was going upstairs to retrieve Hannah, while yelling at her that she's not allowed to go up the stairs by herself, Grace stood at the bottom, screaming, "RUN Hannah! RUN!" setting Steve into a fit of laughter.

9) Realized that if they're ganging up on me at ages 2 and 4 already, I'm pretty much screwed.

10) Just ate a huge bowl of peanut butter with M&Ms mixed in. Nope... That's not fattening at all...

Highlights of the Day (Saturday)

1) Hannah only woke up once in the middle of the night last night. Yay.

2) Slept with my husband last night. Always such a joy...

3) Hannah only had two temper tantrums regarding her attire as of 8:30 this morning when we left the house.

4) Signed the papers for the kitchen remodel loan. Full steam ahead...

5) Was pleasantly surprised to see that the price they had quoted for us over the phone for the appraisal on the house was actually the amount as the house is now... without any kitchen. (The appraiser was going to ask the bank if they wanted the amount to be as is or after the kitchen remodel.) So once the kitchen is in, it'll be worth even more than they quoted us. Very satisfying indeed.

6) Hit McDonald's drive-thru for a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit. A finer breakfast food does not exist, my friends.

7) Steve and I may have actually agreed on the granite for the kitchen countertops. The fact that we both like the same thing with no real reservations is a miracle in and of itself. For real.

8) Went to a birthday party from hell where I spent two hours having multiple near-heart attacks as a group of unruly, unsupervised children did every dangerous thing they could possibly think of.

9) Left the party surprised that the one year old that fell head first down the basement steps and landed on a concrete floor was the only child hurt during the party. (At least when we left, she was the only child hurt.)

10) Went to my parents' house to celebrate my dad's birthday where Grace had a blast playing with (drunk) Uncle Kyle and (drunk) Uncle Mike, who had been at a local Oktoberfest festival all afternoon. Nice.

11) Was jealous they got to get drink at Oktoberfest while I was at a child's birthday party wishing with all my might that I could get drunk. Because trust me, one needed an alcoholic beverage after leaving that place.

12) My mother-in-law dropped off the organ she scored for Grace. Was just thrilled to discover that the stupid hunk of wood doesn't have a volume control knob on it. Fanfuckingtastic.

Highlights of the Day (Friday)

1) Was awakened at 5:30 AM by Hannah who was soaked through, thanks to a big ol' diaper leak.

2) Was joined downstairs by Grace about 20 minutes later, because, you know, god forbid if she should sleep without my warm body next to her in the bed.

3) Began my usual daily "yelling" about 10 minutes later, as they teased, swatted, pushed each other and started whining at me incessantly.

4) Threw them in the car, figuring it was my only hope to stop the insanity, and ran a bunch of errands.

5) Just wondered whatever happened to that bleach-blonde half-psychotic Susan Powder lady that use to yell "Stop the Insanity!" like 2 inches from the TV camera.

6) Took the girls out for pizza for lunch.

7) Was all proud of myself for "managing" the two of them on my own through a whole meal in a public place, when Hannah started bolting down the the stripmall, Grace ran her over and knocked her down, and Hannah started screaming, all witnessed by the mother of one of my elementary school friends, who stopped me to "chat".

8) Was told I won the football pool this week and even had the money in my PayPal account when I realized a mistake had been made, and I did NOT indeed win.

9) Had to refund aforementioned money, cursing bitterly the entire time.

10) Had Hannah walk up to me out of the blue and say, "I don't like you Mommy. I like Daddy." Thanks kid. Thanks a lot.

11) Decided that a gymnastics class for 30 3-5 year olds on a Friday night is pure hell. This is going to be a loooooong year in terms of Friday nights.

12) For the 1,234,567th time, went to the bathroom while leaving the door WIDE open. This was never a problem before (since the girls open it anyway, even if I try to close it). But now that there is another wall knocked out in our house and a bigger window is in our wall, my neighbors can see straight in and see me sitting on the throne. And yet, I continue to forget to close the door...

13) Lied to my project manager saying I had a really good rough draft ready to go. Now she said she'd like to glance at it to make sure I'm going in the right direction. Dammit. I guess I'm pulling an all-nighter tonight...

Highlights of the Day (Thursday)

1) Sent both girls off to school again, allowing me to enjoy a nice morning of steaming hot coffee and uninterrupted Good Morning America viewing time. Ahhh...

2) Realized that unlike yesterday, I had to, ya know, work or something.

3) Cursed my bank yet again. Stupid goddamn banks!

4) Had a crazy lady approach me in my driveway and ask to bum a cigarette. Based on her appearance, her attire, and some of the rambling comments she made before she limped away down the road again, I've decided she was either half off her rocker or an escaped con. Perhaps both.

5) Locked my door upon re-entering my home after the crazy convict lady left.

6) Answered the door for the UPS guy (for the second day in a row) unshowered, wearing no bra, no makeup, and my hair sticking out in every which direction.

7) Realized that wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't 3:00 in the afternoon both times and the guy hadn't once been married to Steve's cousin, which means I know him rather well. [sigh]

8) Had Grace tell me she wants to take karate lessons. Um yeah, I once considered that for her too but realized she'd just end up kicking ALL of our asses and I'm just not in the mood.

9) Upon realizing that Steve has convinced every single person he knows (other than me) to start drinking vinegar everyday to cleanse their digestive track, decided that perhaps he should start some weird cult where we ask everyone to send in donations to our "church" so we can better equip ourselves to rid the world of unclean assholes.

10) Told Steve that if he didn't cut down on his vinegar intake and stop filling our entire home with his toxic ass fumes, I'm going to divorce him.

11) I'm not kidding.

Hey, it's something...

Yeah. I know it's not much. But considering the lack of progress on the kitchen lately, anything is good as far as I'm concerned. Now that the window is in and that wall is studded out, we can get the electrician and the plumber in here. After that, we can drywall and the room may start to actually look like a real room again. The new window is about a foot bigger in length and width and has the look of 16 separate smaller panes. We would've loved to go even bigger, but then we would've had to sacrifice some wall cabinets and we didn't want to do that.

Window Before:



































Window After:

Highlights of the Day (Wednesday)...

1) Hannah slept through the night! YEEHAW!!!

2) Shuffled both children off to daycare with no major tantrums or catatrophes.

3) Cursed Aetna when I realized they cashed a check I had sent months ago and forgot about, taking every single penny of my unemployment that was deposited today (and then some).

4) Begrudgingly called Steve and asked him for money to deposit in my now overdrawn checking account. [sigh]

5) Did nothing productive what-so-ever all day except wash Grace's sleeping bag. I suck.

6) Had BK chicken fries for lunch. Yummmm!

7) Became increasingly annoyed at Steve when he said he wanted to go grocery shopping before picking up the girls at my mom's house, and yet continued to work on his truck, make phone calls, etc. that really didn't need to be done until we got home. Fine for him, but the later I get the girls home, the later they stay up and I wanted to watch ALL of "Lost" dammit. Stupid jackass....

8) Open Letter to Steve:

Dear Steve,

Turning up the radio in the car to drown out the noise of the girls' screaming and yelling and laughing does not calm them down or make them quieter. It makes them louder. Loser.

Love,
Your wife

9) Was quite disappointed that I still don't know the fate of Sawyer on "Lost" after tonight's episode. (Not to mention I wanted some of that eye candy regardless of whether or not he survived in the ocean.

10) Missed "Martha Stewart: Apprentice" because my husband sucks and wouldn't surrender the remote control during that hour. Bastard.

11) Had a 15-minute converation with my mother-in-law about how she can't shit anymore now that she's quit smoking. Um, thanks for the info.

12) It got worse when she went on to tell me how many suppositories she has "shoved up her ass" (he exact words) this past week. Oy.

Highlights of the Day (Tuesday)

1) Hannah was only up in the middle of the night for half the time she was the night before. Yay.

2) It was overcast today with on and off showers, so I didn't have to feel guilty that I didn't take Hannah outside much.

3) Had to deal with 4 seperate tantrums today due to Hannah's wardrobe. First, she wanted to get dressed the second I got her out of the crib. So she did. One hour later, she wanted her freshly washed "Pooh Bear Jammies" on. So we dug them out of the dryer and put them on her. A few hours later, she wanted to get dressed again. But not in the same outfit she had put on earlier. I told her noand that her choices were the Pooh jammies or the first outfit. I actually won that one and she kept the Pooh jammies on (Not without much screaming and throwing things, of course). One hour later, she wanted the first outfit back on "because it matches Mommy's shirt..." (They were both pink.) Cool. After her nap, she discovered a pair of too small pink shoes with embroidered flowers on the strap and screamed for 10 minutes for her button down floral shirt "that matches the shoes." Jesus, this kid is killing me.

4) Had a slight sand-in-the-eyes emergency this evening when the girls decided that throwing sand in each other's faces was kind of fun, regardless of what Mommy kept saying was inevitably going to happen to one of them.

5) During the above fiasco, discovered that although Hannah is tiny, DAMN that kid's got some strength.

6) Realized that the day my dish washing detergant will no longer sit on my bathroom sink, will be a day I party "Like it's 1999."

7) Speaking of which, I heard "Let's Go Crazy" by Prince on the radio again today. That's just weird. Do you think someone's trying to tell me something?

8) Had to suffer ALL day today when I woke up and discovered that Steve had consumed every last drop of non-alcoholic beverages in our home (other than coffee) last night and that I was going to have to suck it up and suffer all day in my Cokeless hell.

9) Realized I could've gone down the street to the gas station for something to drink, but it didn't seem worth the hassle of throwing Hannah in the car and/or the embarrassment of having to pay for it using all dimes and nickels.

10) Grace is just odd. She bought two cheap plastic necklaces for herself and Hannah at some point during her stay with Grandma the past two days. For Hannah, she picked a cute little plastic heart with a smiley face on it. For herself? Why, an eyeball of course. What could be more feminine and age appropriate than a cheap, plastic eyeball necklace? [shaking head]

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Monday)

1) Was up from 2:30 AM until 4:30 AM with Hannah, whom apparently decided last night that cribs are the work of the devil.

2) Sent Grace downstairs to watch TV this morning by herself for the first time ever because I swear if I had had to actually get up at 6:30 AM when she woke me, I would've died.

3) Was relieved when 20 minutes later, she came back up and just hung out in her room with me until I woke up.

4) Went to the park and made our traditional walk to the corner store for penny candy (5 purple Swedish fish and 5 red ones for each girl, a $0.25 juice for each one, and 2 gummy worms for Grace). As much as I sometimes bitch in my head when they beg to go there (because I'm lazy like that), I adore the time when we sit at the table in front of the store and just hang out and talk while they eat their loot.

5) Came home and helped the girls paint a billion pieces of uncooked flower-shaped pasta so we could make bracelets. Move over Martha... Allison's in town.

6) Had a wonderful afternoon playing outside with Grace while Hannah was napping. I love days when she's not a typical 4-year-old lemme tell ya...

7) Was bummed when I got a call that Grace's Saturday morning gymnastics class is being cancelled due to lack of participants and I had to either pull her out completely or start going to the class on Friday evenings from 5:00 to 6:00. I'm not too pleased with the time, but she likes it too much for me to just pull her out. Dammit...

8) Finally received our insurance cards in the mail. Must... make... appointments... for... girls'... annual... checkups....

9) Once again, got turned on by the dude in "Prison Break" this evening. Yummmm....

10) My four-year-old told me my ass is fat (not those exact words). Yup. Thanks Sunshine. I love you too...

Hey gang. Sorry I haven't blogged all weekend.

We've all been really busy, and for some reason, Grace has decided I'm the only person in the whole wide world that she can be with. Oh, except for her cousin, Gunnar, who is hell on wheels and is all of three (4 in November) and likes to start punching random 7-year-old kids twice his size for no apparent reason when we're all at the playground together. Little shit.

Anyway, hopefully tomorrow things will go back to "normal" (whatever that may be), and I can once again bless you all with my charming wit. (That's dripping with sarcasm BTW...)

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Friday)

1) Got some cleaning done this morning. Yay.

2) Steve started installing the new window in the kitchen.

3) Was relieved when Hannah was napping at the time I had a phone meeting with my project manager at work, and Grace was busy "helping" Steve with the window.

4) Mouthed every curse word known to man when Steve quietly told me he was leaving to go buy wood while I was still on the phone with my manager, leaving me with a cranky 4-year-old and an about-to-wake-up 2-year-old. Stupid fucker.

5) Things I Said to My Children Today:

• Don't play with the drill.
• Get away from the electric saw.
• No, I will not hold the nail for you while you hammer it into a board.
• Stop licking my windshield.
• Don't sit on the windshield wipers. You'll break them.
• Don't stick your finger up your sister's nose.
• Don't eat sand.
• Stop kicking the neighbor.
• Get some clothing on! We do not play outside naked.

6) Confirmed my belief that my children do indeed take after their father.

7) Watched Grace eat a popsicle that couldn't have looked more like a penis if it had balls.

8) Decided Gene Simmons really should've quit while he was ahead.

9) Jon Bon Jovi is hot.

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Thursday)

1) Drove to the office again, wondering how many friggin' idiots can't drive in the rain (apparently a lot of them), and thanking god I don't make the commute every day anymore.

2) Heard "Let's Go Crazy" by Prince while driving to work. I jammed. And headbanged.

3) Went to the social security office to order a new card. Decided they couldn't pay me enough to work there.

4) Was tempted to ask the secretary if her desk drawer smells like pee yet.

5) Realized that I never in my life have seen a billboard actually being changed. I mean one day, I drive past and it's advertising how to get varicose veins removed. The next day, the vein ad is gone and the indoor waterpark one is in it's place. So when do billboard changers work? In the middle of the night? And what do they call themselves? Sign Keepers? Billboard Changers? Hmmmm.....

6) Discovered my bank account is overdrawn. Son of a....

7) Paid for $4.00 of gas in all change. Because my account is overdrawn.

8) Came home to a letter in the mail saying Aetna finally approved us for health insurance. It's about damn time. Bastards.

9) Was annoyed to read that due to Steve's Body Mass Index (based on the height and weight information I gave them), and his "recent smoking habit" (He doesn't smoke... he chews tobacco sometimes), they're going to charge us like $35 more a month than the original quote was. Fuckers.

10) Told Steve he should really lose weight so we can save some money. (In reality, if he actually lost anymore, he'd be a scrawny little bastard.)

11) Made mental note to make appointments for the girls' 2-year and 4-year checkups now that we're bigshots with health insurance and all.

12) Called my cat a "buttfucker" in my head and one point. It made me laugh that I would even do that.

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Wednesday)...

1) Woke up sort of nervous for my first day back at work. Weird.

2) Left late because I realized I had forgotten to fill out a billion papers for HR crap.

3) Remembered again why I don't miss that 70-mile drive to the office.

4) Was told that finding the social security card I had searched for all day yesterday would've done me no good anyway because I need one with my married name on it.

5) Am annoyed I have to drive to the social security office tomorrow to get aforementioned social security card with my married name on it.

6) Was mortified when I went to the rest room and the Visitors badge I had clipped on my pants pocket fell into the toilet I had just peed in.

7) Gingerly retrieved visitors badge (ewwwww!) and blotted it off with paper towels as best as I could before putting into back into the plastic cover it had fallen out of.

8) Washed my hands like I've never washed my hands before.

9) Wondered if the secretary's desk drawer will start to smell like pee in a day or two.

10) Was stoked to find out the company is indeed going to pay their portion of the social security tax, so that's a few hundred extra dollars in my paycheck each week. Always a good thing...

11) Was pissed when I realized I totally forgot to watch Miami Ink last night. Dammit to hell...

12) Couldn't stop laughing when Hannah walked around all night, singing, "Diarrhea... Pbblt! Pbblt!... Diarrhea... Pbblt! Pbblt!" (Steve almost crapped himself laughing.)

13) Laughed even harder when Steve asked Hannah where she learned that song and Hannah said, "From Grandma." Um yeah... I don't think so...

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Tuesday)...

1) Woke up with a horrendous headache again. I swear I have a brain tumor...

2) Threw together a resume at 7:00 this morning because my old company insists they need it for HR purposes if I want to subcontract for them.

3) Spent the majority of the day searching fruitlessly for my social security card, which my company says they need me to bring with me tomorrow for payroll purposes. Haven't found it. [sigh]

4) Figured I'd tell the bastards I worked for them for 9 years. They shouldn't need my social security card.

5) Watched Hannah walk around all day in a floral print onesie (too small), a plaid skort, and red socks pulled all the way up to her knees. Freaky kid.

6) Was on the phone with a friend who "witnessed" Hannah freaking out because I wouldn't let her put on her sweatpants she so desperately needed to put on. (She would've had a heat stroke.) The tantrums are worse when they involve button-down shirts. I swear.

7) Received a phone call from the bank, wanting to set up closing for our kitchen loan. Thank you freakin' god! Apparently, I won't be cooking for eternity on our grill, as I was starting to suspect.

8) Found out our house was appraised at $70,000 more than what we originally paid for it. Beyond needing it for the loan, it's nice to know that all of the hard work we (OK... Steve) has put into fixing up this Partridge Family reject hasn't gone unnoticed.

9) Went grocery shopping and wondered how it is that Steve can spend (literally) 10 minutes trying to choose just the right pair of tweezers. Guys, there weren't that many there to choose from. Jesus.

10) Was annoyed Steve paid $5.67 for a pair of tweezers when there was a perfectly good pair there for $1.54.

11) Figured it was his money so why the hell should I care.

12) Watched Rock Star: INXS only because Dave Navarro was wearing tight black leather pants and actually jammed with the contestants tonight. I swear to god, I orgasmed. [heavy sigh]

13) Threw Snakey in the trash. So far, no one has noticed.

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Monday)...

1) Opened my eyes this morning, dreading the day to come because Steve was taking my car to go to a golf tournament, essentially, "stranding" me here with the girls who knew it was supposed to be "Park Day."

2) Thanked God I was smart enough to plan ahead and go last night to the gas station and buy enough nicotene to last me through the day.

3) Pulled every fun activity I could out of my ass to keep the girls entertained.

4) Thanked God again that the girls were surprisingly well behaved.

5) Decided I'm 99.9% sure I can throw "Snakey" in the garbage (both halves) tomorrow and he won't be missed by either child.

6) Had good sex. (It's been awhile. Stupid stomach bug that weaved its way threw the household.)

7) Removed all temporary walls keeping the kitchen (or lack thereof) blocked off from the rest of the house. I feel so "free."

8) Had a slight panic attack realizing that tomorrow is my last day (for now), where I'll be officially unemployed.

9) Just realized that I forgot to throw my last load of laundry in the dryer. Since the lightbulb is burned out in the laundry room (for a good 2 months now), I'll have to rewash that load in the morning. Dammit to hell...

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Sunday)...

1) Woke up with a headache yet again. (Every friggin' month when AF is ending, I get one for a few days. I hate that bitch.)

2) Literally 30 mere minutes after we woke up, Grace was whining, crying, and begging to go somewhere and to see her cousin, Gunnar.

3) Over the course of about two hours, made about a billion phone calls to Grandma, Nana, and Aunt Jen, trying to find someone that either had a suggestion as to where to take Grace, wanted to take her themselves, or had some sort of plan for getting her together with Gunnar, along with 2 adults. (The two of them together requires more than one able-bodied adult. Trust me.)

4) Grandma called and said she wanted to hang out with Hannah, which was perfect, because then I could spend the day with Grace.

5) Took her to the World's Largest General Store, where we fed the goats (twice), walked around, shared a funnel cake and coke, and had a fantastic time.

6) Managed to get out of there buying only a gallon of milk, some honey for Steve (don't ask), and a 3-foot long candy gummy snake.

7) Grace decided the candy snake would make a much better toy than an edible treat, and ripped in two, gave Hannah half, named her half "Snakey", and carried it around all night.

8) She didn't understand when I told her she could not take Snakey in the bathtub with her.

9) She's sleeping with Snakey right now. The kid's not right...

10 Conversation with Grace, totally out of the blue:

Grace: "Hey Mom, why don't I have hair on my butt?"
Me [laughing]: "Um, only boys have hair on their butts."
Grace [pausing and then looking at me like I'm an idiot]: "Nuh uh. You do, and you're not a boy."
Me: "I do NOT!"
Grace: "Yes... You do."
[End of conversation.]

11) Checked my ass in the mirror 5 minutes later to make sure Grace doesn't know something that I don't.

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Friday)...

1) Took the girls to WalMart to buy Grace a leotard for gymnastics tomorrow and a new gymbag to put her stuff in.

2) Bought that and 2 pairs of pink camoflauge sweatpants (matching for the girls), 2 pink sweatshirts with ballet slippers on them (matching for the girls), a pack of socks (for Grace), a case of soda, Mary Kate and Ashley barrettes (for Grace), 2 packs of barrettes (for me), 2 insulated water bottles (Grace said she needs one for gymnastics), a pack of toilet paper (for all of us except Hannah), and 2 track suits (for the girls). So basically, $20 turned into $97.

3) Realized that Hannah has some serious anal retentiveness issues, when after throwing a fit at WalMart b/c she wanted the green jacket and pants of her track suit to match and not just coordinate, we came home and she then ate her mac & cheese out of a green bowl, made me put a green ponytail holder in her hair, and wanted the green water bottle to drink her milk out of, all while pointing out to me that all of these items matched her new jacket and pants.

4) Figured that for the time being, her obsession with green may be easier to deal with than her obsession with button-down shirts. I mean, they don't make that many button-down shirts for girls.

5) Ate cupcakes for lunch, followed by a piece of string cheese.

6) Didn't argue when Hannah cried to wear her new lime green track suit to the festival.

7) Went to the festival tonight, where Steve got roped into taking Grace on the Scrambler, I got roped into taking both girls on the Himilaya, and Steve tried all night to talk Grace into going on this ridiculously inappropriate ride where they would've gone upside down.

8) Spent about $40 on stupid freakin' tickets because the bastards didn't offer a wristband that allowed the kids to ride unlimited rides.

9) Was slightly embarrassed when Hannah caused the carnival worker of the submarine kiddie ride to shut the ride down so she could get off (she had NO problem riding the exact same ride 3 weeks ago), and then had to restart the ride for the kids still on it.

10) Steve and I ate WAY too much deep-fried food in one night... cheese fries, chicken fingers, funnel cakes, waffles and ice cream... URP!

11) Wondered what the hell we were thinking when we won both girls HUGE inflatible hammers, about 4.5 feet long that squeak when you beat something with them. Yeah. Tomorrow should be fun. (Maybe they'll forget they're in my trunk.)

12) Didn't argue when Hannah cried to wear her new lime green track suit to bed.

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Thursday)...

1) Laughed my ass off when our crazy neighbor asked us for white shoe polish. I looked down at his feet to see one bright white sneaker and one dingy, (and totally different) white sneaker. He said he wanted to polish the old dirty one so it would match the new white one better. [shaking head]

2) Literally gagged when I watched Steve drink a Dixie cup of straight vinegar because he heard recently that it's good for the digestive system. Seriously dude, seek help.

3) Marveled at the human body's ability to take solid food that you've just eaten and turn it into liquid that comes spewing out of your body just 5 minutes later. It really is a fascinating process.

4) Dropped a brand new unwrapped tampon into the toilet and refused to reach in to get it out.

5) Crossed my fingers as I flushed and hoped it would go down without involving any sort of plunging.

6) Decided there was a conspiracy against me when I had to go run some mandatory errands and there was a train, a bridge inspection, and two "Oversized Load" trucks that added 20 minutes onto my trip while I squeezed my ass cheeks together and willed my body not to crap.

7) Promised to stop talking about my shit to the rest of you poor souls. I swear I'm done now.

8) Walked out of the notary office to find that lovely Aunt Flow had decided to make her presence known to the rest of the world, and had deposited a lovely quarter-sized stain on the front of my khaki capris.

9) Had no choice but to continue to the post office in spite of it because I had to overnight Steve's medical records to Aetna and I only had 15 minutes left until the deadline was up.

10) Clutched my bright fuscia and black purse (free with the Seasonale birth control pills given to me by my OB) in front of my crotch the entire time, probably drawing more attention than the stain would've.

11) Received phone calls and emails that I will officially begin sub-contracting with my old company starting next week. The assignment is for 40 hours a week for 6-8 weeks. However, since I still intend to keep the girls in daycare only part-time, I'm foreseeing a lot of late nights and weekends filled with tech writing work. Joy.

12) Just shook my head when for the entire ride home from my parents' house, the girls sat in the back, making farting noises and calling each other "Stinky Butt" and "Poopy Head." Such little ladies I have.

13) Realized that me joining in and singing the "Diarrhea Song" probably didn't help matters... [If you're walking down the hall, and you hear something fall... Diarrhea... Pbbblt! Pbbblt!... Diarrhea!... Pbbblt! Pbbblt!]

14) Hoped I'm not the only one who used to sing that song growing up, because otherwise, you'll all really think I have some serious issues...

OK. Here we go. Highlights and Observations...

of My Day (Yesterday... Wednesday)

1) Woke up and shortly thereafter, found myself doubled over with horrible, burning stomach cramps like I've never experienced before. Sweet.

2) Sent a screaming Hannah with my mom for her first day in her new room at daycare (without my mom). *sigh* Yup, it was shaping up to be a fantastic day, lemme tell ya.

3) Was annoyed Hannah wouldn't let me take her picture before she left. (Not annoyed at her... just annoyed in general.)

4) Did nothing except sit in front of the computer all day and run to the bathroom every 5 minutes or so for um "relief."

5) Went to the gas station for tampons (that's right folks... AF is also here) because I was afraid a drive to the grocery store would result in me shitting my pants.

6) Was bummed when the gas station was out of cinnamon AND peppermint Altoids (the only two flavors I really like), and settled on Spearment instead. Um, blech. (And yet, I continue to eat them...)

7) Typed several emails to some friends, telling them about my digestive troubles, and kept realizing that they really didn't need or want to know about them, so I never clicked Send.

8) Decided, however, that all of you loyal blog readers deserved to know about my um, "issues." (Aren't you lucky.)

9) Made the mistake of telling Grace she starts gymnastics class on Saturday. It's now ALL she talks about... "Is it tomorrow Mommy?... When I wake up, am I going to gymnastics?... When is it Saturday Mommy?" [sigh] I really should've waited until Saturday morning to tell her.

10) Watched my children fight over a picture of a basketball in a book, both claiming it was "Mine!" Yeah, um girls, newsflash... it's a picture! Damn freaks.

Sorry gang, but I'm afraid I'm down for the count...

this evening. I've been doubled over in pain with stomach cramps ALL DAY, and I've spent about 85% of my time in the john. Apparently, I got Hannah's stomach bug, just from the other end. I also feel like a MACK truck hit me. I've managed to ignore it most of the day, but I'm afraid it's kicking my ass at this point. I'm headin' to bed. I'll give ya some highlights in the mornin'....

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Tuesday)...

1) Sent Gracie off to her first day in the Pre-K room at daycare. *sigh* She's getting so big...

2) Realized that since having children, I say, "We'll see..." way more than I used to. It's a damn shame those children automatically assume that means "Yes."

3) Did pretty much nothing productive, other than wash a few dishes. I suck.

4) Ate junk food all day long. I suck.

5) Ate Cheetos and thought of my friend Emily. ;)

6) Unlike her, I ate the Cheetos and smoked a cigarette. I suck.

7) Decided that the whole menstruation thing for women who know (or are pretty sure) they are done having children, is just another one of nature's cruel jokes.

8) Hand washed one of Hannah's shirts, complete with bleach, because she informed me that she is wearing a shirt with buttons to daycare tomorrow. (Seriously... the kid is two. And this whole obsession with buttons is becoming a bit disturbing.)

9) Laughed my ass off for the one billionth time when Hannah called her bathing suit her "swimming soup."

10) Realized I will be soooo bummed when she finally says it correctly. :(

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Sunday AND Monday)...

This is going to be a Double Day list since I bagged last night's blog in favor of some much needed sleep...

1) Steve and I decided at 2:30 PM yesterday that I needed to paint the family room before we loaded all of the toys back in. Since I was starting to get really aggrevated by the mountains of toys in our living room, I knew it had to be done right then.

2) Threw Grace in the car to go buy paint, having no clue what color I was going to get and figuring Grace could pick.

3) Grace picked a really dark burgandy, even though I tried to talk her into a dijon yellow color. Hey, I figured if she was going to cry about it, she must be really passionate about her color decision.

4) Came home to find my sister and her husband here. All fine and dandy except I really wanted to get started on the painting.

5) They left two hours later with Grace (thank you god), and I started painting. By now it was 6:30, and Hannah wanted to "help me." *sigh* (Surprisingly, she did rather well.)

6) While absorbed in painting (Steve wasn't here.), I hear Hannah say, "Mommy, this is gross! Look at my poopy!" and found her in the middle of the living room with her diaper removed and her poop covered butt just blowing in the wind. Dammit to hell...

7) Finished painting around 9:00 and put Hannah to bed.

8) Crashed. Hard.

9) 6:30 AM this morning brought the second coat of paint on the walls. While moving the ladder, I knocked over a lamp, breaking it in a bazillion pieces, and one of those pieces sheared my ankle. Lovely way to start the day.

10) Grace came home from my sister's and wanted to "help" paint too. I now had a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old messing around with dark burgandy paint in a room with hardwood floors. Sweet! (Steve wasn't here.)

11) Tried to continue painting while the 2-year-old whined, cried, begged to be held, and had meltdowns every 5 minutes. (Steve wasn't here.)

12) Contemplated painting her mouth shut, but figured there are laws against that or something. (Thought, "Hmmmm... Steve isn't here. No one would ever have to know...)

13) Considered running away at one point, but didn't feel like packing so I just stayed. (Not to mention that Steve wasn't here to parent the children I'd be leaving behind.)

14) Finished painting the room this afternoon. (Steve wasn't here.)

15) Began wet mopping the foors for the one hundredth billion time to try to get the goddamned plaster dust off of it. (Steve wasn't here.)

16) Watched my husband drive off with the neighbor to go pan for gold in a local stream. (I'm not kidding. Fucking freaks.)

17) Loaded the toys back into the playroom, much to the delight of the children. (Steve wasn't here.)

18) Got in a tiff with Steve because I thought he ate the other half of my t-bone steak, when in reality, I had already eaten it like the friggin' pig I am. Um, oops. (Steve was here for this...)

19) Realized that the white-walled living room now looks really bland next to the cozy burgandy family room and that I should probably paint the living room.

20) Reminded myself how much I hate painting and decided the white/burgandy contrast is actually very trendy and I should really keep it that way.

Sorry gang...Too tired for an official "Highlights" list.

Steve finished the playroom today while I took the girls all over creation in order to keep them out of the dusty, crowded, noisy house.

Hannah had about a bazillion meltdowns for no apparent reason, wearing on my every nerve and causing me to lose every last shred of patience I had stored up.

Grace picked some cool pink suede boots with fur trim as her "back to school" shoes, and a cute denim mini skirt with a leopard print belt. There's hope for her yet...

Hannah picked Elmo sneakers. Yuck.

My parents came to pick Grace up to sleep over tonight and Hannah cried to go along too so they took her.

I got a call at 9:30 that Hannah was hysterical for Mommy and I had to go get her. Yeah. Great.

Wet mopped the floor three times over the course of two hours this evening and there's still a film of dust on it, as well as the walls. I guess I know what I'm doing tomorrow, huh?

Must... go... to... bed...

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Friday)...

1) An old woman who could barely see over the steering wheel decided to back into my driver side doors at the gas station this morning because, apparently, it's OK to put your car in reverse without actually looking to see if anything or anyone is behind you.

2) Took the girls to a strip mall to get them out of the house for a bit. Why is it that the dollar store actually ends up costing me many dollars when I take my children with me?

3) Then we went for lunch at my favorite pizzeria.

4) Next was Eckerd drug store, where they somehow convinced me to buy them each a bottle of nail polish (Grace picked hot pink. Hannah picked neon/lime green) and a tube of lipstick (Grace = hot pink. Hannah = cherry red)

5) Came home and painted our nails and put on lipstick. I allow my children paint their own nails and mine, as well as apply their own lipstick, so we all looked like dimented clowns by the time we were done.

6) Steve came home way too early, and I was thanking god that I had managed to clear almost all of the toys out of the playroom (as his note had politely requested) in preparation for tearing the ceiling down in that room upon his arrival home from work.

7) Although I applaud Steve's efforts to seal off that room before beginning demolition, I must say, he failed and I now have a lot of plaster dust to get off of every flat surface in the living room tomorrow.

8) Escaped to my parents' house after dinner when I couldn't take the clutter, dust, and moody children that were resulting from having their playroom destroyed. Bathed them and made them dinner there, allowing me to reminisce about how nice it is to have an actual functioning kitchen.

9) Realized I need to decide within a day or two what color to paint the playroom once Steve finishes it. This wouldn't be a big deal if I didn't have to make sure it compliments/coordinates with the kitchen since they're adjoining. This is hard to do since we haven't even chosen our cabinet color, countertops, tiles, backsplash, or paint color in the kitchen.

10) Almost pissed myself when Steve read a party invitation we received for Grace's godfather's children later this month, and Steve actually said to me, "Does that say 'Peanuts Only'?" Um, no dear... that says "Regrets Only." Dear god... Granted, the mom's writing is horrendous, but are you kidding me? What would "Peanuts Only" mean exactly? You can only come if you bring shelled nuts or if you were created from the imagination of Charles Schultz? [shaking head]