Planet Alien

So I'm happy to report that good ol' Aunt Flow has arrived for a visit. This is good. Pregnancy right now would not be a good thing. Anyway, Steve decided to inform me this evening before dinner that he was horny. Yeah? And? I reminded him of my "visitor" and the following conversation ensued:

Steve: "So? You could suck me off or something."
Me (laughing in disbelief): "Dude, did you seriously just ask me to 'suck you off'?"
Steve: "Yeah. What do you want me to say? 'Pleasure me?'"
Me (still laughing): "Well, that's a little better. I dunno. Ask me to honk your horn or something."
Hannah (who heard only the last comment I made): "HONK! HONK!"

Nice.

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Long story short... I had to drop my car off at the garage tonight to get inspected tomorrow. But my sister (still with a broken leg) needs a ride to work. So I had to pick her car up and drive it home so I can go get her and take her to work in the morning. My sister's "children" are her two German Shepards. She likes those damn horses dogs more than she likes any person she knows. She's obsessed with the two beasts. So it dawned on me after driving her car here and parking it in my driveway, that I'm currently driving around a car with ridiculously gay German Shepard stickers in the back windows, I believe a German Shepard license plate in the front, and using keys with a queer German Shepard keychain. For the love of god, please don't let me run into someone I haven't seen in years while I'm driving that car tomorrow. Please.

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So some nights Hannah makes me tell her a story when I take her up to bed. Not read her a story, mind you. Tell her a story. As in make one up. Well, let me assure you that trying to make up a story suitable for a child on the spur of the moment is not my forte. They usually involve characters like Freddy the Fox, Squinty the Squirrel, and Chipper the Chipmunk having a birthday party.

So tonight she requests a story about Freddy the Fox again. I start babbling about Freddy the Fox having friends named Hannah and Maria, and she interrupts and says, "He's sad because he can't go on the seesaw." Alrighty then, we'll run with this...

So I start talking about how Hannah and Maria play on the seesaw everyday, and how Freddy the Fox watches them, but he's sad, because he can't go on it too. And how Maria and Hannah decide to surprise Freddy by building him a wooden box to put on the seesaw so that Freddy can sit in it and play too. And how they get wood and hammer and saw and nail and put it all together to surprise Freddy.

Hannah interrupts and says, "No Mommy. That won't work. The box will fall off."

Seriously kid, shut the hell up. You're two (almost three). Don't go interrupting my damn story, bad as it is, to talk to me about the physics of Freddy the Fox falling off the seesaw, OK? This is my story and I'll tell it the way I damn well please. Little shit... [grumble grumble]