Thursday, June 15, 2006

Don't you dare ask me why.

Why I drink I mean. Seriously. What a flippin' day.

So I finally get off my ass, shower, and head out to the car to start my ridiculous errand run afternoon. What do I discover upon getting into the car? A big splatter of bird shit right in my line of vision on my windshield. I should've just gotten out then and walked back into the house. I should've taken it as a sign from god that I would have a shitty day and should just give up. But noooo.... the fighter in me decided to put on my big girl panties and charge on through. Some highlights...

** I stop at the dollar store to grab some cheap crap to shove into cheap goody bags for the birthday party this weekend. Because if there's one thing that other mother's like, it's when their kids get cheap crap in goody bags at a party where they just overloaded on sugar.

** Pay for my loot and tell the lovely cashier (who has just given the evil eye to some rude Chinese dude that came in) that I parked across the street and that I'll leave one or two bags there while I run the five 2-bottles of soda over and the 24-pack of that disgusted colored juice in plastic barrel-shaped containers that kids seem to dig.

** She tells me that's fine, OR I can walk the cart across the street and bring it back over if I "think I can get across without getting hit by a car."

** Leave the store (with the cart), don't realize how uneven the sidewalks are, and somehow manage to upend the cart, sending bags of balloons, 2-liter bottles of soda, and 10 super bouncy balls flying all over the sidewalks of the busiest street in town.

** Throw the loot into the trunk of my car as quickly as possible and run the cart back across the street.

** Find previously mentioned cashier outside on a smoke break and she proceeds to start yakking my ear off about the rude Chinese guy that's apparently a regular customer (and a real dick), as well as the rude Mexican guy who came in yelling the F word until she asked him what the hell his problem was, and then he was nice to her. Oh... and the Mexican dude's wife was the most "scraggly-assed chick she'd ever seen." I didn't know this woman. At all.

** I told her to have a nice day and left.

** Went to WalMart for more shitty fun party stuff.

** Purchased the most disturbing looking pinata I've ever laid eyes on. Seriously. The girls wanted Dora. What they're getting is Strung Out Dora on Crack. No kidding. I will permanently scar all children that attend this party if I bring this thing out. Fucking creepy.

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** Take the crap fun party stuff to the car and put the Crackhead Dora pinata in the front passenger seat, hoping to make anyone driving near or past me think that I have a demon-possessed toddler strapped in the car with me.

** Continued on to the grocery store for edible party shit .

** Had to keep a running tally on a calculator because I was paying in cash.

** Also was required (as per Steve's orders) to read every flippin' box/bag/package because he's on this ridiculous organic/all natural foods kick. Seriously dude. When you're coming home telling me we're going to start eating bee pollen everyday for energy, you need to seek professional help.

** Got home and called Steve to see if he wanted beef tacos or chicken tacos tonight.

** Was told beef because "It'll be the last time we eat red meat." Um... excuse me? Come again. Because mama's gonna eat her motha fuckin' steak whether daddy-o likes it or not.

** Was then told that we're not even going to eat chicken, and instead, we'll eat just things like cabbage and spinach.

** Laughed hysterically, said, "Fuck you, you freak!", hung up, and proceeded to eat a big hunk of Rocky Road cake for lunch. Cabbage and spinach, my ass. Take that you damn all-natural, tree huggin', steak hatin' loser.

And then the rest of the night is a blur. I picked up the girls at my mom's hairdresser... carried a kicking and screaming Hannah to the car and had to yell at both of them ALL the way home for teasing, crying, fighting, and kicking... got home and took them outside in an attempt to wear them out... made conversation with a friend of ours who was dropping off some used Dora decorations... didn't care that at 8:30, the girls were filthy and still running around outside while Steve, the friend, and I hung out in the kitchen drinking beer and chatting... dragged them inside at what is normally bedtime to just start giving them a bath... sat them in front of the TV and started dinner (at 9:00) since my stomach was eating itself... ate... put children to bed... cracked open another beer... sat down to post this.

Now. I triple dog dare you to ask me why I drink...


Pink Rocket said...

whoa...that's all i can say right now...except, is steve's beer all natural and organic? don't they add extra un-natural stuff to it?

Mary said...

whooohooo!! Fun day.

I sat on my ass for 6 hours at work until I left an hour early. I started a book yesterday at work,and I only have about 1/4 of it to go. That's how busy we've been.

So tomorrow, I get to do all the shit you did today, plus be at the hospital for 8 hours, wanna bet I'll be drinking when I get home??

Alien said...

LOL PR! Well, the truth is, Steve drinks very little beer anymore. [sigh] Just two or three on the weekends. He drinks organic orange juice instead on the other nights. [big, HUGE sigh] LOL!

geenalyn said...

organic orange juice...dear lord what is going on with your man??!! And if you aren't eating meat anymore the pigroast should be interesting...

Kim said...

Well drink up sista! ;)

That Dora pinata looks like the Hello Kitty one that we got for tomorrow. Freaky. I see that it's a pull string one too. Much easier.

Good Luck at the party this weekend! I'm sure you'll blog about how it turned out! ;)

EE said...

"Because if there's one thing that other mother's like, it's when their kids get cheap crap in goody bags at a party where they just overloaded on sugar"

~snort~ uh huh....

Hey, we should switch husbands!!! You can have my meat loving/eating husband who thinks my eating habits are freakish and I'll take Steve! Deal?!?!?!? ;)

And maybe you should be mixing in a little Vodka in that organic OJ of his....

Can't wait to hear about the party!

Amber said...

I am so sick of Dora. I hope G sticks with Barney for a while... Yeah.I would rather deal with that ficking gay dino, than that little #$^&^%$.(i need coffee.)

Did you find all the bouncy balls in the street? I bet that was fun.


Chelle Y. said...

So, why do you drink, Alien? Hehe!
I tell you, there are days I wish I did too.

Yeah, that Dora looks freaky. To tell you the truth, most pinatas do.

Have a great weekend!

Tink said...

To quote My Big Fat Greek Wedding:

"What do you mean, you don't eat no meat?! That's okay. I'll make lamb."


Have a great weekend girl. Have a drink on me.

Susan said...

Drink up my friend cuz you certainly deserve it!

mamatulip said...

I'm like, pissing my pants about Steve and his organic juice and his bee pollen and his sudden hatred of meat. The whole time I read this I was like, YEAH RIGHT, Allison's not going to eat steak. *snort*

I have that same Dora pinata, and have had it for TWO YEARS now. Finally I got so sick of it in the living room I made Dave hang it in Julia's bedroom.

Belynda said...

Please step away from the guns...


EE said...

So Katherine, let me get this have THAT demented Dora hanging in your lovely daughter's ROOM?!?! And she doesn't wake up at night from nightmares?!?!?! ROFLMAO!

Alien said...

Oh Kim, you silly, silly girl. It doesn't matter if it's a pull string one. We still whack at it blindly for a good 30 minutes before resorting to the wussy strings. ;)

And yes, organic orange juice. And I almost shit my pants when I saw how much it costs. $3.99!!! And it's not even like a gallon! It's a pathetic little bottle! And he told me to get two! What the HELL?

EE: Um, thanks for the offer, but you can, um, keep your husband. LOL! ;)

Amber: Yes, I found all 10 damn bouncy balls (as people pointed and laughed from their cars). And I'm not a big Dora fan myself. I prefer Grace's taste in cartoons... Spongebob, Billy & Mandy, Kids Next Door, and Tom & Jerry. Hannah sucks. LOL!

Tink: I only have a drink on people that can't drink for themselves. YOU drink up, girl!

Um, Katherine... why the HELL did you have a pinata hanging in your living room? (Said the girl with a lobster trap hanging in hers...) And wasn't it, um broken and stuff from the party? LOL!