Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Complex anyone?

Hi. My name’s Allison, and I’m starting to develop some serious complexes.

Everyone else says, in a sing-song voice ----> “Welcome, Allison!”

Seriously though. I don’t have a low self-esteem. Sure, there are things I’m a bit self-conscious about. Like my hideous teeth. (Seriously… they’re bad.) And sure, I have a slight belly “pooch” after giving birth to two kids. But nothing that bothers me every second of the day. Or that makes me want not to leave my home for fear of scaring someone. Generally speaking, I’m pretty comfortable with myself. I am who I am, and I just figure people can take it or leave it, ya know? Hell, the other day, I posted this self-portrait of myself on my Project 365 blog. I decided I wanted a picture of me sans makeup and sans Photoshopping. Kind of like those Before pictures you see of cover models.

Now I DID boost the contrast of the photo, lighten it up a bit because it was underexposed, etc. But I didn’t do my usual checklist of fading the eye bags and circles, evening out my skin tone, etc.

Self-Portrait

If I can post that and not think twice, then chances are, I’m ok with being me, right? I really am cool with who I am. Curly hair… straight hair… unshaped eyebrows… non-existent lower lashes… etc. It’s me. If you don’t like it, don’t look. [shrug]

But EVERY few days, damn Facebook sends me an email. And every damn time I open that damn email, it says the same thing. It says that my other friends on Facebook have compared me with their other friends and then lists how I stack up against the group. And EVERY time, it tells me my so-called “friends” have the same thoughts as far as my strengths and weaknesses go:

STRENGTHS:
most creative
best public speaker
happiest

WEAKNESSES:
most generous
best mannered

Now, as honored as I am with the Most Creative, Best Public Speaker, and Happiest titles I’ve had bestowed on me, the Weaknesses are kind of bugging me. I’ll even give them portions of the “Best Mannered” weakness. I can belch like a man, fart better than a man (and often do), and tend to say inappropriate things at inappropriate times. I’ve been known (in the past week), to announce that I really, really need to pass gas (I have some serious digestive issues and I’m not being funny here), and I apologize ahead of time that one might “slip out.” So there’s definitely some “redneck manners” going on there.

BUT, if you’re a waitress, cashier, bartender, drive-thru worker, or any other crappy job holder, I’m the customer you’re begging for. I am so overly nice and polite to people that it’s almost sickening. And that’s because I KNOW how much those jobs tend to suck. I’m understanding, I make you laugh, I make you smile, and I compensate you in whatever way I can. People love me.

And most generous? That’s my weakness? OK. So I do tend to promise things to people and then not follow through. But it’s not because I’m not generous. It’s because I’m damn lazy and don’t feel like finding the promised item, packaging it up, driving to the post office, and mailing the damn thing.

And sure, I promise a lot of people Photoshop stuff. But then I start working on it and either get bored or hit a creative brick wall, and I close it, never to be remembered again (because I’m an idiot) unless you specifically ask me for it again. Or I actually finish it, but I’m so afraid you’ll hate it that I don’t ever send it. Because if you ask me to rework or change something, chances are you’ll never get the damn thing. Not because I’m bitter. But because to ask me to do something twice is just ridiculous if you really know me that well. I can’t be that focused. Ever.

So I’ve decided to start sending those damn Facebook emails straight into my Spam folder. Who needs that kind of negative energy, right?

And because I didn’t feel completely beat down today…

I did some Photoshop work for a good friend of mine. And I actually finished it AND I even sent it to her. And as a thank you, she sent me a gift card to Hollister (which was not agreed upon because I said I didn’t want compensation, and which I was kind of embarrassed (yet thrilled) about). Hollister and Aeropostale are my two favorite stores, so the fact that she even knew me well enough to know that tells me something about her.

But I digress…

So she sends me the gift card and I start browsing the site. I was finding a ton of things I liked and started adding them to my shopping cart. And then I remembered…

I look ridiculous in the kind of shirt that every damn girl I know seems to be wearing these days -- those “babydoll” shirts that are a bit fitted right under your boobs and then flare out a bit.

Like this…

Or this…

Or even this…

(Note: I like blue stuff. Sue me.)

But when I happen to slide one of these latest fashion trends on, I look either:

1) Pregnant…

2) Way larger than I actually am…

or

3) Like Hannah decided to bring one of her dolls to life and dress her up for the day.

Seriously. It’s laughable. Really. I look hideous. I wouldn’t lie to you. And I’m NOT overweight. Not even remotely. I’m between a size 6 and 8 these days, which is actually below average for women my age. And I’m thrilled with that! I weigh now what I weighed when I first met Steve over 10 years ago. So that’s NOT why these types of shirts look stupid on me. I swear, it must be my body shape or something, because these shirts ain’t digging my body no matter how much I want them to. Sigh.

So anyway, as I browsed the Hollister site tonight (and I did find a ton of stuff I was more than happy to buy and not look stupid), looking at all of the shirts I wanted to buy, I thought about the fact that not only am I (apparently) the rudest person on the planet that won’t share a damn thing (according to those Facebook “friends”), but that I can’t even dress in the latest fashions because people will laugh at me for that too. I’ll start getting voted on at Facebook as being “Chick most likely to look like she’s wearing a sack.” Or “Most likely to be knocked up and not telling us.” Yeah. That would be great. Not. [sigh]

So I’m just going to keep taking ridiculously close up photos of my various body parts. And then I’ll Photoshop them and call them “art.” Because that’s what those “Most Creative” people such as myself do, right? We do “artsy” things. And then we spit in people’s faces, give our family members used gifts at Christmas, and we do it all while looking like a beached, middle-aged woman trying desperately to look like a teenager in the latest fashions. Yup. That’s me in a nutshell. Nice.

But hell, at least everyone seems to love my hot wing dip, right? That’s something I suppose. Yup. Put that shit right on my tombstone. Sigh. <---- Recipe will be posted tomorrow morning. Don’t miss it. People will love you. For real.


Quote of the Day:
A thing is not necessarily true because badly uttered, nor false because spoken magnificently.
--Saint Augustine of Hippo

4 comments:

V-Grrrl said...

I am very open to people, sharing who I am.

It's what I like best about myself, and it's what I despise as well. I vacillate between thinking being so open makes me wise and thinking it makes me stupid.

I'm that big dog on the front porch who should probably be barking when the front gate is opened and boundaries are breached, but instead I automatically bound forward convinced The Stranger is My Friend and Everyone is Telling the Truth.

Baby doll shirts---I think the secret is to go for a length that ends lower than the widest part of your hips and doesn't bell out but falls in soft gathers from the empire waist. Still, they're tricky. I've tried on bunches of them. A great necklace in the scoop neck helps too.

Thanks for coming by my place. : )

Agent M said...

I can't do those baby doll tops either...the short chick's curse.

I get those Facebook updates too...I don't think anyone is voting on those. LOL

Farmer*swife said...

I "should" be able to wear those "baby doll" tops too. But, I also look pregnant or something and I'm in shape.

[OK, not in shape totally but slim...I can't run an 8 minute mile and haven't in about 7 years, LOL!]

And, as my face is falling...I apply every putty, cream, and "highlighting" pen I can to stave off the skinny face aging.

LOL! Happy Tuesday!

Susan's 365 said...

I can't do those types of shirts either.