Saturday, January 19, 2008

Ass Day 2008

That's right folks. Today is Ass Day 2008. Well, it is as far as I'm concerned anyway.  This isn't a nationally recognized holiday or event or anything (yet). It's just something I declared today. Why, you ask? Well, because today, a few of my girlfriends and I couldn't stop talking about asses. Not people who act like asses, mind you. I mean literal asses. And what's really scary is that we weren't speaking generally, but instead, discussing one particular friend's ass.

Now before you go getting all, "Oh my god! They're all lesbians!" on me, let me just say that I can assure you that we are not lesbians. You see, my friends, we were discussing what comes out of our girlfriend's ass. Nice, huh?

Don't worry. We weren't being literal, because that would be pretty friggin' disgusting. No. With this particular group of friends, nothing is ever as black and white as that.

You see, I have a kick ass group of internet friends that I talk to pretty much every day of my life. We don't live close to each other, so we have a little email group. We all email each other all day, every day, clicking our "Reply to All" buttons, basically engaging in a conversation as if we were all sitting in the same room. I adore these women, and if it wasn't for them, I truly don't know what I'd do. I honestly don't think that there's been a single, solitary day in the past 4 or 5 years that I haven't "talked" to these girls. Not one.

But we're also an odd mix. There are 8 or 9 of us. We are truly the mixing pot of girlfriends. We've got Republicans, Democrats, stay-at-home moms, working moms, work-at-home moms, free-spirited souls, and  soccer moms. We've got some tattoos, some with no tattoos, some with piercings and some who wouldn't dream of it. I honest to god don't know how or why we're all such good friends, and yet we are. We're there for each other when it matters... We bitch to each other when we need to (pretty much daily)... We have our catty moments when we gossip... We ask for advice... We laugh, we cry, etc. They're my saving graces. (Those of you that know me well with "get" that reference.)

Anyway, let's get back to Ass Day 2008, since that whole part of this post is way funnier than me being all gay about my friendships.

So one of the girls in the email group (Girl #1) made an innocent comment about money. She was simply trying to clarify that she isn't worth seven figures. (Because even though we're all great friends, we still get paranoid that we're coming across wrong in emails.) Fine. Great. Got it. But then another girl on the list (Girl #2) happened to email back, saying we all totally understood and that we know that and that it wasn't like Girl #1 said she had money flying out of her ass.

Well, it all went downhill from there. Seriously downhill. I emailed back saying if the girl had money flying out of her ass, I'd be driving there today to snatch some up... Another girl said she was flying in to grab some too... I reply that I'm closer and will grab all of the ass money before she got there... Somehow, talk came up about what if the money shitter (Girl #1) was constipated and the money wouldn't come out?... Chit chat began about what we could feed the girl to get her to shit out more money... I ask Girl #1 for a photo of her ass for my Project 365 since it would always be a memorable event for me.... She said no... Someone said there was another girl's ass we could probably use, since she often posts about it all over the internet for everyone to see... Somehow pygmies from New Guinea being shoved up the internet ass-barer's ass came up, which is rather disturbing actually... It went on for a good hour, and then some.

What I realized in the Great Ass Email Exchange is that I have some damn funny friends. Truly funny. Not just in a "Ha. Ha. That was funny," sort of way.  But that sarcastic, blind-siding funny that has you saying "Huh?" when a person first says something, but then erupting in laughter and pissing yourself 30 seconds later when it hits you that yes, they really did just say that, and yes, they meant it the way it sounded. There is so much sarcasm in this particular group of friends, that sometimes, I truly believe we're an untapped resource for sit-coms everywhere. Seriously. If we could somehow market our sarcasm, we'd ALL have money coming out of our asses.

Now I realize this is probably the least intelligent blog post I've ever posted in my life, but I don't care. Today was FUNNY. A funny that I've been missing in my life lately. I truly NEEDED today's Great Ass Conversation. I've been stressed lately about some stuff. Really stressed. And today, I was reminded that when life gets you down and you don't know what to do, a little bit of humor can make you forget about your problems, even if just for a few brief moments.

So today is Ass Day 2008 whether the rest of you all like it or not. Because Ass Day cheered me up. I really needed Ass Day today.


Agent M said...

Next year we'll have shirts made...if we could only get that picture.

Kelly said...

LOL. sounds like you all have fun.

Farmer*swife said...

Wish I could have been a cosmic fly on the web walls of that conversation! Once again, a good laugh. If I start my day and end my day reading your blog(s) I'll always go to bed light hearted and wake up the same! -- Your new Groupie J/K!

Susan's 365 said...

I can only imagine how funny those e:mails were.

I could have used a good laugh like that.

Chelle Y. said...

I have heard about your emails from one who participates. Well, not what you talk about, but that you have it. Knowing this person, I can only imagine how her part of the conversation went because she is pretty funny.

I was told this week that a new friend of mine told her husband (who goes to my church) that I had a dark, sarcastic sense of humor. She said it surprised her because I was "so petite, and came across quiet and sweet!" GAG!

I think I became sarcastic when I started teaching high school kids. :)

Farmer*swife said...

To chelle y, and the rest of y'all: I know, right? My blog started out to be another part of my altered perfectionism ego. My friends know how OCD and anal I am about EVER-Y-THING -- but, alas, my other "alter-ed" ego/inside voice comes out in my blog! The more I do it, the more I share my whole "UN-Martha/Mrs. Cleaver" side; I even added WTF to an email today? WTH? Ass talk and all, it's all WAY TOO FUNNY! We NEEEEED it.

ALLISON said...

LOL Chelle. We don't really talk about anything that exciting to be honest with you. Just stuff like today's ass coversation. (Stimulating, no?) and random everyday stuff, like, "I need to go get the oil changed in my car today and I don't want to."

I must say, we're pretty low on the gossip/catty front, which surprises me, since we're all chicks. LOL! But honestly, for the most part, it's just every day chit chat.

And yes... yes your friend is funny. :)