Look Everybody!

I’m still ALIVE!!!! WOOHOO!

Steve’s plan has failed (for now). I let him know (in so many words) that I was on to him. His face showed some panic at first, but then he collected himself and swore he loves me and that my thoughts are unfounded. And he told me that surely he wouldn’t want to harm me in any way. So (for now) I’m OK and forging ahead with life. But seriously, if, at any point, I seem to drop off the face of the earth, call the authorities. Because that means that rat bastard has succeeded and needs to be thrown in the slammer.

Oh, and if it does come down to that, I’d also like it to be known that I would like Tink and Hoop to get legal custody of my children. I have many, many friends that I think would raise my children in loving homes. But those families are all a bit too “normal.” I’d be at peace knowing Tink and Hoop would allow my children to be the freaks that they are, and would nurture their  uncontrollable need to be different. OK, so I’ve talked to Tink a grand total of one time on the phone. But in that brief, 10-minute conversation, I could tell she was a younger version of myself (but much cuter, funnier, and creative).

Granted, I haven’t asked Tink and Hoop if they’d do it. But I figure when they look into Grace’s deep, soulful brown eyes, and Hannah’s stunning, brilliant blue eyes, all filled with sadness, they won’t say no. So it’s all good. Tink, just don’t let Steve ever get them back. If that bastard is going to kill me, he doesn’t deserve our children. Hell, give them to your mom for all I care. Grace loves animals so she’d be in heaven. And Hannah does whatever Grace tells her to, so I don’t see any potential problems.

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Grace had her birthday party this past weekend. She turns 7 this Saturday and she had a bowling party. It was a blast and the kids all had such a good time!

It was Hannah’s first time bowling ever, and she LOVED it! It’s funny because since last summer, she’s been wearing my brother’s old bowling shirt from when he was about six and bowled in a league. She LOVES that shirt and wears it all the time. When she found out Grace was having a bowling party, she practically burst with excitement because she’d have an excuse to wear Kyle’s bowling shirt. The funny thing? The party was at the SAME bowling alley that my brother bowled at, and it still has the same name. LOL! She thought she was so cool. Adorable kids I have, no?

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And since I never posted photos of Hannah enjoying her birthday cake (and now feel guilty), here’s a few of her.

We finally had cake for her right after her dance recital. She was supposed to be an elephant in the finale for the recital (which explains that odd gray makeup on her face). She was so excited to turn five! Too cute!

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And check out what’s right outside our back door. Some baby robins in a nest! Granted, they aren’t even remotely “cute”, but it’s so cool to watch them in the nest with their beaks wide open, waiting for mom to come back with some nice juicy worms. :)

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Shit. I think I just drank a little bug that flew into my beer, but that’s protein, right? Crap. Maybe it’s a poisonous one and it’s Part 2 of Steve’s plan. Shit. Tink, build that addition on your house. You’re gonna need it for all of my kids’ crap.

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Quote of the Day:
If you haven't got charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.
--Bob Hope

Why My Kids Will Need Therapy… Reason # 385

So, we got a call from the local police department today saying they had a subpoena and trial date for Steve. Now without getting into too much detail (because I’m lazy… not because it’s secretive or I don’t want you to know), a few months ago, Steve took his truck into a local dealership for some work on it. The next day, he picked it up, got home, and realized that all of his tools had been stolen out of the built-in tool boxes on the truck.

In a weird chain of (unrelated) events that involved skeevy hotel rooms, a paranoid chick, and a dude that sells drugs, the guy that stole them was arrested and Steve’s tools were recovered. Now the guy goes to court next Wednesday, and Steve has to go, say the tools are his and be done. But anyway, back to the kids…

So Steve calls the cop back around 5:30 and the guy says he’s going to drop off the subpoena. Great. I had just finished grilling up some steaks, potatoes and corn and Hannah was giving me trouble about eating (like usual). Steve yells out of the bedroom window to the rest of us on the patio below that if they don’t eat their dinner, we’re calling the cops. ROFL!

Poor Hannah’s eyes got real big and she almost started crying. LOL! So I told her he was just kidding, but that she had to eat.

So about 20 minutes later, the girls have finished eating and are inside playing on the computer, and Steve and I are on the back patio. The cop pulls in, gives Steve the papers and we all just start talking.

After about 5 minutes, I come inside to the girls and say, “Um, guys. There’s a cop outside.” Well poor Hannah’s eyes got so big, I swear they were going to pop out of her head. I was like, “For real. Go look.”

So they walk outside and the cop says to them, “Hey guys. Did you eat your dinner?” ROFL! (I had told him what Steve had said to them.) Well, Grace, being her typical self shot back with a laugh and a “Yeah. I did,” and wasn’t phased at all. Poor Hannah just sort of stood there looking terrified. I couldn’t stop laughing.

By the time the cop left, Hannah had warmed up to him. But I swear, one day, when the kids are grown, these are the types of things they tell their therapists. LOL!

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And, as promised, here are some photos of me in my all-natural curly-haired glory. LOL! This, my friends, is what happens when I don’t take a flat-iron to my head.

And before y’all go saying how you’d “kill for curls like that” and how it looks good like that, let me just say that in real life, it doesn’t look nearly this nice. Trust me on this one. It’s a frizzy mess.

But I have to tell you how funny it was taking these pictures. For those first two up there, I used the timer on my camera. But then I got creative, set the camera on our low windowsills in the living room, leaned back, and pressed the shutter button with my toe. LOL! I think, perhaps, I need to invest in a remote for the camera, no?

Anyway, Grace’s bowling party is at 4:00, so I have to go get the stuff ready. I’ll talk to y’all again soon.

Proof of Steve’s Crime: Part 1

OK. So now let’s discuss (in detail) why I think Steve’s trying to kill me. And, I must admit, if I wasn’t the intended “victim,” I’d be rather impressed with the intelligence behind his methods. He’s a sneaky one, that Steve. He’s not going to kill me in the usual way. No guns… no knives… no “accidental” falls off a roof… Oh no. He’s using something way more clever. He’s using this:

OK. It all started a few days ago, around7:00 in the morning. My mom had already come and picked the girls up for daycare and Steve had gone to the bottom of our property to load up his truck for work that day. I had sat down in my usual spot in front of this computer to check email, check some blogs and boards, and log into my remote desktop at work and start working.

I hear the back door open and figure Steve is coming in to fill up his travel coffee mug again before heading to his job for the day. Well, I was right about Steve coming in, but there wasn’t a coffee mug in his hand. Oh no. Instead, that little guy up there was in his hands. Here’s the thing though. That’s not even a real snake. It’s a snake SKIN. Now I’ll be the first to admit that it’s cool. The previous owner of that skin obviously took great care in shedding his old digs. The skin is 100% completely intact. The fact that you can see where his eyes were and that his mouth is completely open like that amazes me. We’ve found skins before, but they’ve been just parts of it, or they’re damaged and torn, etc. Not this one though.

So he comments how the girls will think it’s cool when they see it (which I agreed with). I was sort of preoccupied logging into work, so I mumbled something about not leaving it in the house and went back to my computer screen. I remember him walking behind me in the living room for some reason, but didn’t think anything of it at the time.

Fast forward 6 or 7 hours later. The girls are due home from daycare soon and I figure I’ll do a quick pickup of the downstairs before they get home. So I’m buzzing around, picking up toys, shoes, discarded clothing, etc. I glance over to the other side of the living room and notice something on our bear mount. It looks like a ribbon or string or something and I start cursing under my breath that Steve is going to kick the girls’ asses if he sees they're throwing things on the bear’s base. So I walk over to pick it out and save my children from the wrath of Daddy.

As I get closer, I’m still trying to figure out what it is. And then I get close enough and I see this:

I get a little closer and am now close enough to see this:

Now within a second or two, I remember my earlier conversation with Steve and realize it’s not a REAL snake. But before my brain took over and told me everything was OK, a lot happened. I jumped about 5 feet off the ground (and backwards), I screamed like a little girl (for real), I think I peed a little, and I almost had a fucking heart attack. Seriously. I’m a smoker, which means my heart probably isn’t healthy to begin with. So when I get scared like I did in those few brief moments, anything could happen. Hell, the ol’ ticker could explode for all I know. I seriously think I almost died in that brief period of time.

And so began my suspicion that Steve was trying to do away with me. He figures if he does it in the traditional way, he’ll get busted and have to spend time in the slammer. So instead, he’s going to try to make me die “naturally”. I mean, there’s no crime in lying a snakeskin in your home, right? And me getting scared and having a heart attack isn’t going to get him in any trouble, right? It’s the perfect crime really. That bastard is smart.

Since that incident, I’ve become paranoid. I swear, at least 3 times a day since then, Steve seems to appear out of no where, once again scaring the shit out of me. I jump and my heart skips a beat. I figure, if it skips enough beats, eventually, it’s just going to get pissed and not keep beating. And then it’s bye bye Allison, and hello life insurance money for Steve. Thanks hon. Thanks a lot. I thought you loved me, but apparently, I was wrong. I don’t know what I did to deserve this, but I’m on to you. And now I’m documenting everything here. So I’d rethink your plan if I were you. There are a ton of people out here in Blog World that will back me up if something should happen to me. I’ve got your number, and if I go down, I’m taking you with me.

Fly by…

So I took the necessary photos today to support my theory that Steve is trying to kill me. But it’s late, I’m wiped out, and they’re still on my camera. So you’ll have to wait until tomorrow. But I’m working from home, so I’ll get them up here first thing in the morning. I just didn’t want anyone to panic if I didn’t blog at all tonight. I can see it now…

Throughout the evening and through the night, I’d have cops and troopers banging on my door to check on me.

“Ma’am, we’ve had several reports from your blog readers that your husband may have killed you in the past 24 hours. Are you OK?”

“Yes officer. For now. But you may want to check back in a day or two. I think he’s plotting Stage 2 of his diabolical plan. He was twitching a lot today, and whenever I caught him looking at me, he’d quickly turn away, mumbling something about ‘Only 2 more days. . . Only 2 more days. . .…’.”

And now, I’m off to go to bed, hoping I even wake up tomorrow morning. It’s exhausting living with a psychopath.

Steve’s trying to kill me.

For real. He is. I swear. Yeah… that’s right. This guy here…

… who looks all nice and kind and harmless (and, incidentally, incredibly HOT) with his daughter in this photo is actually a psychopath that’s trying to murder me and make it look like an accident.

Go ahead. Laugh. But if sometime in the near future, I suddenly stop blogging, never to be heard from again, I want you to direct the authorities to this post here on June 18th so the investigation can move forward, OK?

I’ll go into more detail tomorrow when I can post photos to support my theory. Because really, the story isn’t nearly as believable (or dramatic) without the visual proof. Just trust me on this one.

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Conversation with a co-worker this morning on the phone:

Susan: Hey Allison, are you going into the office tomorrow?

Me: Sure. I can if you need me to. What’s up?

Susan: I need you to look all pretty and stuff. I’m taking photos of the newer employees.

Me: So you’re saying I should make sure to straighten my hair and not sport my natural ‘fro?

Susan: Oh, I don’t give a shit about your hair. Just don’t wear your Bon Jovi t-shirt and camo shorts and come in brandishing one of your rifles because we don’t want to scare off our clients.

Me: Shit. How’d you know what I was going to wear tomorrow? Are you a fucking psychic or something?

Susan: Yup.

Me: Sweet.

Seriously though people, am I that transparent? Weird. I need to start hiding my true colors better. Not everyone needs to know that shit about me.

(Note: What?! Some of you didn’t realize that in my natural glory, I sport a naturally curly ‘fro? Shame on you! Photos on Friday. You’ve been warned. Take the warning and do what you see fit with it. I will not be held responsible for any reactions resulting in shock, horror, or a stroke due to uncontrollable laughter.)

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Let’s talk reality. Reality TV that is. Those of you that know me well know that I’m a reality TV junkie. I’m a little embarrassed to admit it, but it’s true. [hanging head in shame] I can’t help it. Throw a bunch of people on an island, or make a bunch of people race around the world, or tell them to sing or dance or do circus acts in front of judges and I can’t tear myself away from the TV.

Oh, except for stupid ones like the Bachelor and Bachelorette. They’re just so ridiculously stupid that even I can’t bear to watch them. Hey, let’s find the 20 prettiest/most handsome people in the world and put them on a show where one person of the opposite sex makes out with ALL of them and then decides who should be his/her spouse. So that way, IF they end up getting married and having kids, they can sit little Jr. down years later and show him the tapes. Then he can see how mommy/daddy hand-picked each other from a group of pigs. And how mommy/daddy shoved his/her tongue down someone’s throat and spread his/her legs for whatever pretty person happened to be his/her “date” for that night on the show. Seriously. Worse television cannot be found. But I digress…

Let’s talk about the other reality TV shows. Like Nashville Star, which they’re FINALLY showing on NBC instead of the USA network, where no one watched. I love all music. Literally all of it. So now that American Idol has ended, I’m getting my music fix from this show. Sweet. I have a few favorites, but I have to watch them a few more weeks before I really decide who is worthy of my votes.

Next up is So You Think You Can Dance. I admit, I wasn’t as into this show in previous seasons, but somehow, I got sucked in this time. Again, I have a few favorites. Joshua absolutely RULES and I think is my very favorite. Unbelievable. But I also really like Will and Twitch. (Noticing something here? LOL!) Twitch and his partner gave me absolute chills tonight. I was literally crying. Unbelievable.

But my favorite overall performance so far was Joshua and Katee’s performance last week. How do they make their bodies do that stuff? Awesome.

Let’s see… what else am I frying my brain with these days? Oh! I know! America’s Got Talent. I can’t help it. It’s partly because of the variety, partly because of the humor, and partly because I’m the only woman on the face of the earth that thinks David Hasselhoff is still hot. Sigh. Anyway, LOVED this kid who twirls baton. God bless him. That kid is AMAZING! And these guys RULED! But this guy? Oh my. That guy just had me in tears. Literally. Sigh. He was so overwhelmed, he couldn’t even finish. Unbelievable. See? You ALL need to watch the show. It’s good shit. :)

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OK. I could go on, but it’s 12:30 and I need to go to bed so I can look all “pretty” for my pictures tomorrow at the office. LOL! Later dudes.

A is for Alien

So I decided to browse Etsy tonight, because I truly believe Etsy is one of the best, kick ass sites in the world. I did a search on “alien” and received 1775 hits. Sweet. So this post is solely dedicated to the amazing talents of other people out there who create things that I should buy in honor of that oh-so-hard-to-ever-get-rid-of nickname that I was cursed blessed with 8 years ago.

I’m totally buying this photo on Etsy for myself. Granted, no one in my “real life” calls me Alien on a daily basis. But it will make me laugh every time I see it.

What will y’all pay me if I buy (and wear) this hat in public?

OK. All kidding aside, I actually DO want this journal…

Um, I’m not really sure why the person selling this used “alien” as one of their keywords. Is there something about Ken I should know?

This seller claims he “found this” in the middle of a corn field. Uh huh. Sure he did…

I’m buying these cards to randomly leave in places like the grocery store. Inside, I’ll write, “I was watching you buy those Cheetos and I’m coming to get them (and you) tonight. Locking your doors is pointless.”

Now seriously. Who the hell would wear this monstrosity?

OK. So IF I ever have another baby, I will totally buy these for his/her bedroom.

OK. This is listed as a “Little felted alien dolly.” Well, call it what you like, lady, but it looks like a fuzzy, tri-colored penis to me. Pervert.

I swear to god, this seller used “alien” as a keyword. I guess she’s not THAT far off…

Dude. Get better models for your products. Trust me on this one.

Uhhh…. I don’t know what to even say about this next one.

So do you think Steve would be pissed if I spent $16.00 on this?

How ‘bout these for $24?

I stopped looking when I got to this one. Because, frankly, it creeped me out.

That’s it for tonight. My bed is calling… Later gang.

Quote of the Day:
All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten
--Robert Fulghum

Big Day for Hannah

Yesterday was a big and busy day for Hannah. First (and most importantly), it was her 5th birthday. Yup. Five years ago from yesterday, I welcomed that tiny little bundle of joy into the world. I was drug-free (not by choice) and dear lord, did that kid cause me a lot of pain. Little did I know she would continue to cause me all sorts of angst for the rest of her life. LOL! ;)

Anyway, right after dinner, we had to head to dress-rehearsal for her dance recital, which is tomorrow. She’s tap dancing to the song “Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo”, and I must say, her and the other girls are so freakin’ cute! See? They even have wands. LOL!

Anyway, we had to ditch the finale rehearsal so we could leave, come home and gather up the rest of the family, and head to her graduation from the preschool program at daycare. She has been SO excited about the whole thing and was anxious to sing us her little songs. It really was a cute program and they had it set up so nicely.

Waiting for the graduates…

The Gradating Class

Our Little Graduate!

The Fam

(Ignore that we’re out of focus in that last one. My dad took it and I even set everything on the camera to “Auto”. [shaking head] LOL!

Once we left there, we stopped on the way home to have some ice cream for Hannah’s birthday. All in all, a good day, even though I could’ve done without ALL of the places we had to be that day. LOL!

Princesses, Rock Stars, and Whores! Oh my!

OK. First things first. To Mike, who commented earlier about my urge to take a crap on my walk home yesterday... First of all, I have no idea who you are. But that's cool. Because truthfully, 99% of the time, I end up liking strangers way more than I like the people I know. So it's all good. But I would like to clarify that my body is also trained to "need to crap as soon as I wake up." Unfortunately, my body is an over-achiever and does it several times every morning. And she does it in not-so-pleasant ways that are fast, furious, and offer no apologies. I thought that yesterday, she was done and I could go about my day. But apparently, all of that "exercise" and then the cigarette thrown in was enough to send her over the edge. But it's OK, because I stifled her urges until I arrived home.

So I want to thank you for your suggestion, but I'm afraid, I'm already following your "plan." I do appreciate your concern though. ;)

And for those of you offering hugs and kind words, I assure you that the entire episode was HILARIOUS. It is perfectly acceptable (and required) to laugh at me. Because honestly, once I got home, I laughed too. Only me, I swear...

Alrighty then... moving on.

Hannah's party was on Sunday afternoon, and was a HUGE success. The girls had sooo much fun! Each girl could pick a pet (stuffed animal) from the wall, as well as a shirt, collar, and purse to carry it in. Then it was time for the makeovers. Nails, eyes, lips and hair, plus an accessory of their choice (headset, headband, sunglasses, etc.). The girls were in heaven and I swear, it was a table of 5-year-olds going on 50. They talked, babbled, gossiped, and argued like they were a table of old ladies at bingo night at the local firehouse. It was hilarious.

Here's Hannah after her makeover. Cute, no?

Since Hannah was the birthday girl, they did her first, so once she was done, she had to wait for the others to finish. She was cool with that, but after awhile, I think she got a little tired of waiting and found a place to just sit down and wait. LOL!

In the meantime, Grace was finishing up her makeover, and sporting her new shades.

Hannah had picked the headset/microphone as her accessory, but once she saw Grace's sunglasses, she needed a pair just like it. (This one is my favorite photo from the day.)

Seriously... don't EVER screw with this kid. It's just not worth it. Trust me on this one.

Anyway, eventually, all 7 girls were all glammed up and ready to go. So they cranked the music in the store, the girls lined up, and the employees helped lead them in singing and dancing to a Hannah Montana song.

After that, there was nothing left to do except wish Hannah a happy birthday.

So there you have it. A fantastic party with an adorable group of little girls. Everyone went home happy and excited to go to daycare the next day with their new pets and sporting their new hairstyles. It was just sooo cute. I highly recommend having a party there if you have a daughter and there's one in your area. I would've loved that sort of thing when I was a kid, and every guest there had an absolute blast. Girl power rules. :)

So I guess that's it. Tomorrow we'll discuss how I'm 100% sure Hannah will not grow up to be a lesbian. Not that I have a problem if she did. I couldn't care less about that stuff. However, based on tonight's bedtime conversation, I may have to worry about her becoming a total ho bag by her 10th birthday. Sigh. Seriously, I am sooooo screwed with that one. [shaking head]

Life's Lessons...

I learned several valuable lessons yesterday morning. Lessons I'll take with me to the grave. Those kinds of lessons that taunt you whenever you're about to repeat the same mistake that helped you learn the lesson in the first place. Come with me, will you, and let me share the experience, so that you too, can learn from my mistakes.

It was around 7:30 AM. My Check Engine light had been on all weekend and I knew I HAD to get my car into the garage that day to get it checked out before I could really drive it much again. My mom has already picked up the girls for daycare... Steve has left for work, and I'm here alone. So I weigh my options. I COULD call my dad (who doesn't start work until 9:00), and ask him to meet me at the garage so he could drive me back home after I drop my car off. "But," I say to myself, "it's still not THAT hot outside (85-degrees). And it's not THAT far. Maybe I should just walk home so as not to inconvenience Dad." Hmmm...

Finally, I figure, screw it. I'll walk. God knows it's the most exercise I'll have gotten in months. So I whip on a bra under the T-shirt I had worn to bed, and throw on a baseball cap.

Now here's where Lesson #1 comes into play... I couldn't find a pair of matching socks to throw on with my sneakers, so I just slid into my everyday flip-flops, telling myself it's not THAT far to walk, and I wear flip-flops all day long. What difference does it make WHERE I'm walking. Uh, yeah. Bad move. But more on that in a bit.

Then I realize I'm going to buy a pack of cigarettes and a Snapple at the gas station before heading home. I don't want to CARRY that stuff for a mile, so I guess I should take my purse with me. It'll look weird carrying my purse while walking along the road, but easier for me in terms of transporting my purchases. Great.

So I get in the car and start driving around the corner to the garage. As I'm approaching the garage, I realize that there's something I'd never really taken notice to before. There's no shoulder AT ALL on the side of the 4-lane highway on that side as you approach the garage. None. No where to walk at all, and a huge cliff on the other side of the guardrail, making it impossible to walk. Uh, shit?

I check the other side of the highway and see that there is indeed yards, sidewalks, and other areas over there to walk, but that would involve me running (literally) across the 4-lane highway to get to the other side, while wearing flip-flops, carrying a purse, and hopping the median in the center. Um, double shit?

So as I pull into the garage parking lot, I see that going in the same direction, there IS indeed a shoulder to walk on on this side of the highway, which would mean I wouldn't have to cross-over. Granted, it would be taking farther away from my house, but only about a quarter of a mile before there's a side road I could cut down, putting me on the nice, quiet back road to my house. Awesome.

So I give the mechanic the keys, explain the situation with the car, buy my smokes and my Snapple, and head out walking AWAY from my house. So I'm cutting through other businesses parking lots, etc. knowing that side road is just a little farther up.

But then...

I realize I'm screwed. I get to the end of a business's parking lot and see that all of a sudden, there's no where to walk. No other parking lot, no sidewalk, no shoulder on the highway. Nothing. Son of a BITCH!

So I realize I have no choice but to go BACK to the garage, run across the highway and head home. Sigh. By now I'm sweating profusely (it was up to 90-degrees), I kept getting gravel in my flip-flops, and because I had been too lazy to stick my contact lenses in, I have my glasses continually sliding down my nose, requiring me to keep pushing them back up. At this point, I'm wondering why the hell I hadn't called my dad, like any other sane person would've done.

So I turn around and walk BACK to where I just came from, cursing under my breath the entire time, and ignoring the odd looks I'm getting through the windows of the businesses whose parking lots I seem to be stalking.

So I make it back to the garage. This is it now. I HAVE to cross the highway. Crossing the highway itself would be no big deal, but frankly, I'm going to feel like an ass hopping over the median in the middle. Sigh. So I take a deep breath, will my flip-flops to stay on my damn feet, and RUN to the middle of the highway. Whew. Made it this far! So I hop the median and am now standing on the other side of it. OK. Good so far.

Now I have to wait while various cars, trucks, SUVs, minivans, and tractor trailers zoom past, looking at me like I'm a flaming idiot. Me in my baseball hat, flip-flops, glasses, old clothes, and carrying a fairly large plaid tote. Nice.

Finally, I see a break in the traffic and I RUN to the other side of the highway. I DID IT! I DID IT!!! But now I still have to get home.

So I start walking again, this time through people's front yards, driveways, parking lots, etc. I'm much safer at this point, but I still feel like a jackass at how ridiculous I probably look. I'm praying no one I know drives by and recognizes me.

A few hundred yards up, I come to a place where, if I cross back over the highway again, I can take a side road that will lead me to the nice, calm, rarely traveled back road to my house. The thought has me filled with glee. So I ready myself again to get across the highway at the first break in traffic. The one GOOD thing is that there's no median this time, so at least THAT part is out of the equation.

Finally, a space opens up and I go charging across the highway. I notice there's a car at the stop sign of the road I'm running towards. He's waiting to turn onto the highway. As I'm running, I hear someone yelling. I look over, and as luck would have it, it's a guy I graduated from high school with. Sigh. He's laughing and making some comment about running across the highway. I laugh back, blushingly profusely, and sort of wave. Hey, at least he's sort of a geek, so it's not like some HOT dude from high school was seeing me in this situation, right?

But anyway, I have now reached freedom. Freedom to walk casually, without seeing many cars or people, without worrying about getting creamed by a tractor trailer or some dude in a minivan that's late for work, and without wondering who was driving past that might know me. Ahhh...

So what does one do in this situation? She lights up a cigarette. So there I was, walking along in 90-degree heat in cut off sweat shorts and an Air Force T-shirt, a pink and lime green Guiness beer baseball hat, brown flip-flops with pink stripes, glasses, and carrying a large blue plaid purse, while a cigarette hung out of my mouth. Sweet.

I won't even get into how halfway home, I got stomach cramps because I had to um, "go". My mind flashed back to my MIL's shrub shitting incident and I willed my body to just hold it in until I got home to my own commode. There was no way in hell I was going to be grouped in with THAT whole fiasco.

Words cannot describe my excitement when I walked into my house. I had just walked a mile and a half (in flip-flops) and was dripping with sweat. I flopped down on the couch and started thinking about the lessons I had just learned in the past 45 minutes...

Lesson 1: Don't wear flip-flops to walk a mile and a half on the side of the highway. ESPECIALLY if sprinting across the highway (twice) is going to be required at any point.

Lesson 2: When it's 90-degrees outside, take the 5 minutes to throw on a tank top and put your contact lenses in. Glasses suck when you're sweating.

Lesson 3: Wear dark shades when doing something like I did. At least if someone you know passes you, there's the slight chance they can't ID you for sure.

Lesson 4: Take a crap BEFORE you leave on your adventure.

Lesson 5: If there is someone you know who is more than willing to DRIVE you somewhere, for the love of god, take them up on the offer. Call your friend, relative, etc. and tell them to meet you at the location and drive your ass back to your house.

Lesson 6: Exercise really does suck. Just don't do it. It's just not worth it.

So there you go. Read the above carefully and remember it the next time you think you might want to walk somewhere "just to get some exercise". Trust me on this one.

I'll be back later with pictures from Hannah's birthday party! It was a smashing success! :)

Quote of the Day:
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
--Wilson Mizner

Is it party time?

Those were the first words Hannah spoke this morning when she rolled over and looked at me in bed. Today's her Libby Lu party and she is sooooo excited! She's had her outfit planned for days now (and that outfit has changed several times, depending on her mood). I'm actually looking forward to it too. I had to buy NOTHING ahead of time to prepare for it, which is my kind of party. I show up, watch the little girls get their makeovers, take a bunch of pictures, and come home. Sweet.

Yesterday was brutal in terms of the weather. A good 95-degrees and humid. Ugh. And Steve left with my dad to go golfing before I was even awake. No problem except we hadn't run our air conditioner yet this year. Our air conditioner is built into our living room wall, so it's there year-round. However, on the outside, for the winter, there's a cover over it. The problem? From the outside of the house, the air conditioner is rather high up. So now I had a problem. I couldn't run the thing without removing the cover. And I couldn't reach the air conditioner to remove the cover without a ladder. And we don't really have a ladder, believe it or not. Shit.

So I happened to spy this "fake" ladder a friend of ours built. It's actually supposed to be purely for decoration, and is made out of a few pieces of flimsy wood. But a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. LOL! So I leaned it against the house, prayed it wouldn't snap under my weight, and climbed on up. It WORKED! Whew. Nice cool house within 15 minutes.

Then, the day was supposed to be filled with Grace's softball game and a trip to see "Kung Fu Panda" at the movies. But Grace woke up with a stomach ache and didn't want to leave the house, so we hung out inside all day. Grace watched TV, Hannah played, and I cleaned the entire downstairs. Thank god I had that air conditioner running. LOL!

After dinner, Grace felt better, so the girls threw on their bathing suits, turned on the hose, and played in the backyard for hours. But we're rednecks, and my children are deprived, so instead of a pool, they just sit in buckets. Sometimes for hours. My kids are weird. LOL! I love days like that. :)

But today, is party day and there's lots to do. We all need to shower up and get ready. I need to make sure my camera battery is charged. Then we head to the mall (30 minutes away), watch six 5-year-olds be made all pretty, do a bit of shopping (I have ONE pair of shorts that fit), and head home. Then Steve needs to go fill up our water jugs at the natural spring and I need to go grocery shopping, since we don't even have milk right now.

By the time we do all that, I imagine we'll all be tired and ready to crash. Sweet.

Here are a few pictures from the last day or two.

One Night without Balls, Please

If I could wish for anything right now, it would be to NOT have to go to our town's baseball fields for a few days. We were there for the past 4 nights in a row for Grace's softball games and/or Hannah's T-ball games. My house is trashed, we're barely shoveling eating dinner before leaving, and the kids are all wound up when we get home and I can't get them to bed on time. Blech.

The truth is, I ENJOY watching the games. Hannah's are cute, and (without sounding too "braggy"), Grace kicks some serious ass at all things athletic. She's one of the best kids on the team and her coach told me last night that he's bumping her up already next year to the 9 and 10-year-old group (she turns 7 in three weeks). Awesome!

But HAVING to be there every night for a week straight kind of sucks, frankly. Thankfully, tonight we have NO games. Words cannot describe my relief. But I guarantee you that the kids will start whining they're bored 10 minutes after they both arrive home from school/daycare. I just can't win. LOL!

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So I'm taking Grace to the doctor today. She's had poison ivy and (I think) Poison Sumac for a few days now. And it's all over both cheeks, on her nose, behind her ears, etc. It seems to keep spreading, so I'm taking her in to see if they can give her something to clear it up right away. She's handling it like a trooper, but it just LOOKS annoying, so I feel for her. LOL!

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So I pulled out the ol' camera manual again yesterday to try to learn about some more of the advanced features. I decided to give manual focus a try, and I must say, I don't know if I'll ever go back to auto focus again (except in situations where there's no time to focus manually). I swear, my pictures are even sharper than they were before. I'm having a blast playing with my camera. :)

So I leave you with a few shots from Grace's softball game last night. In that close up of her, she's NOT sad. LOL! She was in the middle of playing and I yelled her name. She looked over, and that happened to be the expression on her face. LOL!

Another drive by...

I need to start blogging earlier at night. I always sit here around 9 or 10:00 and think about all of the things to blog about. Then I finally get around to it around 1:00 in the morning, and I don't feel like it. I had a big ol' long blog post composed in my head an hour ago. But then I started doing something else. And now here I am, and there's no way in hell I feel like typing it all out. So y'all get the abbreviated version (which you're probably grateful for).

** My Check Engine light is on again in my car. Sigh. I guess I need to break down and get it checked out. (One day, I'll post my thoughts on the stupid Check Engine light in cars. In my opinion, it's the dumbest "alert" there is in a car.)

** We were at the baseball fields for the third night in a row tonight. Tomorrow night, we'll be there again. Two kids in extra-curricular activities kind of sucks sometimes.

** If Hannah doesn't stop fighting sleep every night at bedtime, I may start spiking her milk with Benedryl before bed.

** We're all gearing up and excited for Hannah's birthday party this Sunday. It's at Libby Lu at the mall. She invited 5 or 6 little girls from daycare (all of 'em are coming) and they'll all get to dress up as princesses or rock stars, get their nails painted, get a makeover (complete with makeup, hair-do's, and accessories), get to pick 5 things off the wall (fake earrings, games, hair stuff, etc.) and then dance around and sing and act like little rock stars. It is going to be sooo cute! Both of my girls have gone their on their own, but this is the first time they'll be part of a party. Can you imagine? Six or seven little 5-year-olds and one 7-year-old all glammed up and running around like mini Hannah Montanas! Oh, the photo opportunities! [grinning like a fool]

** The truth is, what I'm most excited about is that I don't have to buy ANYTHING ahead of time. It's at the mall, so I can't bring in food or a cake (YIPPEE!). And since the party package includes each girl picking 5 free things from the store to put into their (also free) tote bags, I don't even have to do goody bags. As a mom, I couldn't be happier. I'm positively giddy with the idea that I just have to show up,  pay, and come home. Ahhhh....

** I really need to update my blog header. Hannah in her winter gear seems odd. And I've come to hate that picture of me. Maybe tomorrow? In my free time? Uh huh.

I guess that's it for now. The post in my head earlier was much longer (and funnier), but I'm afraid, it's going to stay there forever. Because I'm tired and have a shitload of stuff to do tomorrow (for work and in real life), so I need to go to bed.

But I'll leave you with my photo from Monday for Project 365. The pictures for the past 2 days are still on my camera.

Quote of the Day:
WARNING: Repeated brain usage may be harmful to others.
--rdude

Multi-Tasking is (Apparently) Not My Thing

About 10 minutes ago, I started a post where I said "Holy shit!" (I even said it in Dutch) because when I checked the ol' blog I saw I hadn't posted since Saturday. I could have sworn I did, and even went off about my evil little bastard clone that must've been deleting my posts after I posted them and went to bed.

But then I realized I HAD posted, just on the wrong blog. Sigh. I accidentally posted on my Project 365 blog. Not that it was an exciting post at all, but it was nice realizing I wasn't completely going insane and remembering things that never happened.

(Editors Note: In my defense, it wasn't completely my fault. I use Windows Live Writer to post here and on my other blog, and it's very easy to post to the wrong one (or both) if you aren't paying attention. Apparently, on Sunday morning, I wasn't paying attention. Who knew? But thanks to Live Writer's kickass features, I was able to delete it from there and post it here instead in the matter or 3 mouse clicks. Sweet.)

This is where I had planned to tell you how I won the Parent of the Year award on Monday (<-- That's sarcasm for you non-mom folks out there. It means I did something stupid in terms of parenting and I sucked that day.)... And how Grace kicked some SERIOUS ass at softball on Monday night... And how I have birthday parties for both girls coming up in the next two weeks... And how if the damn fly in my house doesn't stop buzzing in my ear and dive bombing at my head, it will rue the day it ever flew into my home... And how I've decided to stop taking photos and blogging and digital scrapbooking because I'm giving up all things electronic and/or battery operated... And... HEY! Wait! What the hell?!?!

[grunt... slap... moan... tackle...

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Ahem. Sorry! That last part was my evil little bastard clone I was talking about earlier. I KNEW someone was effin' with my posts when I wasn't around. I took care of her though. I bitch-slapped her, tied her up, and am making her listen to Yanni CDs on the highest volume (on repeat) while watching all of the videos Britney Spears ever made. [shudder]

Anyway, I WAS going to blog about all that other stuff. But now I'm not. Because it's 1:00 AM and I need to go to bed. And because half of it is of no interest to anyone except me (and possibly that freaky looking dude in "Deliverance" if he happens to be reading). So instead, I'll leave you with some photos (shocking... I know) and call it a night. If you would like to know about any of the above-mentioned items I neglected to blog, by all means, comment here and I'll answer it. But I can assure you that NONE of it is interesting in the least. So onto the photos.

Hot Husband Assembling New Grill...

 

The girls playing in the sprinklers for the first time this summer on Sunday.

 

My favorite one from that day, of Hannah just resting on her towel.

Mornin'!

Well, I just woke up to an amazingly gorgeous day. It's sunny, breezy, and warm. Ahhhh.... spring/summer is FINALLY here. I have no big plans for today (which is how I like it). I do have to take Hannah to the store to find her a swimsuit (long story), but other than that, I'm going to do some laundry, take more pictures, and just hang with the kids and Steve. Sweet.

So yesterday, Steve and I FINALLY bought a new grill. Ours was over 10 years old and on it's last leg... literally. I could barely cook on it anymore because the flames would shoot so high that food would be nice and crispy on the outside and raw on the inside. We NEED a grill. We use it all the time and all year long.

So we went and bought an awesome, macdaddy, stainless steel sucker. I was SOOOO excited to use it last night, I could barely wait. So I threw the chicken breasts on it and waited with bated breath.

After 10 minutes, I went to flip the chicken, and what do I discover? We had run out of propane. Son of a BITCH! LOL! So I finished up the chicken on the stovetop, feeling defeated. Sigh. So hopefully, Steve can get it filled today and we can try again tonight.

Last night, the girls went to my parents' for the night like usual and Steve and I did (get this) nothing. We didn't go out. We didn't go to the party we were supposed to. Nothing. It was awesome. We sat on our back porch, drinking some beer and talking. Ahhh...

So see, nothing exciting to blog about this morning. Sorry gang!