Monday, February 12, 2007

The Love Tunnel

So, on Saturday night, I went to a Horns and Halos party at my girlfriend's house. For those of you that aren't familiar with the company, they sell sex toys and lotions. For those of you that have never been to one, I highly suggest you try to get yourself invited to someone's. Even if you aren't "into" the idea of sexual "aids", the parties are a flippin' blast! Seriously. You put a bunch of women in a room, talking about sex, their husbands, and all that other good stuff, and you're bound to have a good time. There's always at least one woman there who makes it her mission to make inappropriate comments throughout the show (that would be me).

So the one the other night involved 22 women. Twenty-two women, some of which were married, some single, some with kids, some without. The jokes were flying. The demonstrator lady started out by passing out little penis shaped pencil toppers that we had to put on top of our pens and use to "sample" the edible creams and lotions that get passed around the room. Apparently, it's considered unsanitary for women to keep licking their fingers and sticking them into various jars, but it's OK to do the same thing with a small piece of rubber in the shape of the male sexual organ. Whatever. I'm game.

So we're passing around the various cremes and lotions. Massage stuff that gets hot when you blow on it... cremes to make the woman's um, opening tighten up and make her have better orgasms and be tighter for the guy... shaving creme that claims it prevents the red bumps on your bikini area when you shave... spray to "absorb" the wet spot after sex (that can also be used as an every day room deordorizer, etc. Some of them tasted downright nasty. I'm sorry, but when Steve and I are doing nasty things, I really don't want to lick him and have him taste like a blue-raspberry Slurpee. Maybe that's just me though...

My personal favorite in that group of products was one called "Dickalicious". Supposedly, it makes the man's penis tingle, it tastes good for the woman, and it will prolong the amount of time before he, uh, "finishes". The woman made a point of saying that you ONLY need a "pin prick" of it, because otherwise, the man's penis might start tingling too much, it could cause discomfort, and it'll be a loooooong time before he's um, satisfied. The jokes started flying and all of us there considered buying a bottle simply to use the next time our men pissed us off and we wanted to torture them for an entire night... "You said what, Hon? Fine. Let's go upstairs. I've got a real treat for you..." Rub it on and walk out of the room. Sweet.

After the lotions and gels were all discussed, it was time to play a game. There's nothing quite as funny as women standing around in a circle trying to pass a big, rubbery, double-ended dildo around using only their knees. I must say, the girl next to me and I kicked ass at the game, but I didn't win, dammit. [sigh] (See photos below.)











After that little ice breaker, it was time to discuss the "toys." I always like to watch the faces of the women who have never been to one of these parties before or who have never actually seen a sex toy in person. It's flipping hilarious and is worth going to these parties just for that. So we're passing around vibrators that move, rotate, bend, flip, have spinning beads, have one end, two ends, three ends, etc.

In the midst of all of this, out comes "The Wallbanger." I seriously almost pissed myself laughing. It's a large, hot pink vibrator with a big black suction cup on the bottom. The woman slammed the suction cup against the wall and then explained that it can be attached to the wall, the top of a coffee table, a window sill, the side of the tub, etc. Oh... my... god. The jokes were flying. Comments about sticking the sucker to the kitchen cabinets and never complaining about cooking dinner again. LOL! Awesome! And here it is... the Wallbanger...




But the most popular item of the night came towards the end of the demonstration. The woman pulls out this pinkish rubber stretchy tube. She says it's called the Love Tunnel and is their top selling item. I'm still thinking, "What the hell is it?" when she explains exactly what it's for...
"To use this, lube up your man's penis and slide this on with his head sticking out the end. Then when you give him oral sex, you'll only have the head of his penis in your mouth, but it will feel like you're deep-throating him." Holy SHIT! Are you kidding me? I swear to god, EVERY single woman there whipped out their pens and marked that down on their order forms. LOL! I chimed in with a whole plan to buy that AND the Dickalicious lotion so I could slather that tingly crap on, slide on the Tunnel of Love and make Steve suffer in pain for hours. (Don't lie... it would be funny and you know it.)

So anyway, I left that evening with a free Silver Bullet and another free vibrator called "The Screamer" on its way. And I'll let you know if the Love Tunnel works. Because I swear to god, if it does, I'm buying one for every single solitary girl I know. Every...single... one...


So I leave you with this doozy of a picture. It totally cracks me up. Is it just me, or do I look like I'm thinking, "Hey ASS, get that damn thing away from me?" LOL! (Sorry these pictures suck. I pulled them off of Shutterfly after the hostess sent a link to the pics from the party.)



10 comments:

beth said...

So that last picture of you is absolutely fucking hilarious! You'll have to let us know how you liked your purchases. Or perhaps more importantly, how Steve liked his. ;-)

Anonymous said...

hehehe someone 'round here needs to have one of those parties. It would rock.

mary

Kimmykay said...

hummmm.... the love tunnel, huh? I'll expect an update and package soon, LOL.

Kelly said...

Can I order one of those love tunnel things from you? Seriously. LOL. No really. Where do I send the money?

Amber said...

This would be so much more fun to sell than Avon or Mary Kay!

These pictures are funny. You look like you are in deep thought in this last one. Like, "Okay. And then you stick it where?"

But I can't figure out the Wallbanger! WHEN would you feel like fucking your wall??

LOL

:)

Gracey said...

Wow...that is so funny. Your husband must LOVE you for going to these parties! LOL The Love Tunnel actually sounds intriguing!

Susie said...

Those parties are way too funny!!! Picture and old librarian type sitting with her long skirt and glasses on and asking the hostess if she has something in glass because everything she puts inside of her melts. I swear to you she said this and my friend and I were like
WTF??? Why would you admit this to a stranger if it does happen????

Tink said...

I want to go to one of those parties! I need some girlfriends. Seriously. As of right now it would be me, the instructor, and my Mom. Talk about creepy.

Don't forget to update us on the Love Tunnel!

hepmomto3 said...

LOL - I had one of those parties a year or so ago. They are just too fun!

Chelle Y. said...

Great picture of you at the end! Haha!