Thursday, February 08, 2007

Forgive me Father...

...for I have sinned. Two days ago I did something that goes against everything that I believe is true and right in the world. I did something that makes me re-evaluate my priorities and question my values.

What did I do that was so bad? Ugh. I'm embarrassed to even admit it, but I finally took the plunge and joined a gym. [sigh] This is NOT me. Those of you that have known me awhile or whom have met me in real life will realize how out of character this is for me, and how this is something I have trouble even admitting to people. The humiliation is simply overwhelming. But it had to be done. It really, really did.

So I did it. And as if paying someone in order to do physical activity isn't enough of a shame factor in my life, I joined an all-girls gym. (Seriously. Shoot me now. [sigh] )

But it seemed like the best idea. They offer the whole "express" 30-minute workout (which is all I have time for most days), and they have a seperate room where you can jump on machines and do whatever you want for however long you want to. And they offer some classes which sound kind of hilarious (belly dancing aerobics and salsa dancing aerobics to name two) that I can totally see myself checking out sometime (if for no other reason than having something funny to blog about.)

So I spent all morning psyching myself up. Telling myself it would be fun and that I wouldn't fall off a machine in front of 20 people... or pass out because my nicotene-filled lungs couldn't handle the shock. As I was getting ready to leave the house, Steve ran around yelling, "WOOHOO! You GO, girl! Work it!" And then he handed me one of the girls' purple terrycloth wristbands and dared me to wear that and a headband... One friend emailed me a link to Drew Barrymore's SNL skit where she's doing some sort of hilarious aerobics video wearing flourescent tiger-striped tiger pants... Another friend made a comment about "stomping out my cig" right outside the gym door... Steve said that he could totally picture me on a treadmill, with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other... My mom asked me what the hell was wrong with me that I'd do something that is so against my principles... So it was nice starting out with so much support and encouragement in my life. ;)

So anyway, I went and I joined. They showed me how to use all of the machines in the circuit and I managed not to make a complete fool of myself. However, the owner/trainer either doesn't "get" my humor, or doesn't get humor in general. Because everytime I made a joke or sarcastic remark poking fun at myself, she just stared at me blankly, like I was insane. Not even a glimpse of a smile came through. [sigh] Oh well.

I went back again yesterday, and after I post this, I'll be heading there for the third day in a row. It really isn't quite as bad as I expected it to be, and I'm hoping I can stick it out. However, if you're in my neck of the woods, don't bother trying to find athletic pants, plain T-shirts, sports bras, or gym socks because I've depleted the supply in most of the stores. You'll have to wait until they restock.


My SIL is a jackass. She called me yesterday to tell me that her son (our nephew) is having a birthday party at McDonald's THIS Saturday at 6:00. Yup. Three days notice. Thanks ya freakin' loser. I already have plans actually, and while Steve takes the girls to the disgusting playplace with crappy food, I'll be at my girlfriend's house, enjoying the company of 21 other women, passing around dildos and vibrators at a Horns and Halos party. WOOHOO! I'm pissed though, because originally, the girls were supposed to sleep over at my mom's that night, allowing me to enjoy my evening out without worrying about Steve trying to get the girls to bed and about him not falling asleep before they do (which is highly likely). But now (because my SIL is an asshole with no manners or common sense enough to tell people ahead of time about things like parties), I'll probably come home to find two hyped up girls jumping around and trashing the house while Daddy snores in the recliner. Son of a bitch...


Grace is a little hussy. She's been coming home for a week now, telling me about her "boyfriend", Zachary. She said (and I quote), "He told me he actually loves me. So now, instead of breaking up, we're going out." Oh my god! Going out!?!? Kindergarteners know what "going out" is? What the HELL?

And then, the next day, she came home and said she really wasn't sure what to do. Apparently, she also likes Jordan and she really isn't sure which one should be her boyfriend. She pondered this quietly to herself and then said, "Ya know what? I can't pick. I'll just have two boyfriends." I didn't know whether to give her a "You GO, girl!" or explain the moral wrongness of stringing along two handsome men. LOL!

OK guys... off to the gym. [sigh]


September said...

Good for you on the gym--I think you'll be amazed at how much better you feel. Embrace the change and think of it as enhancing the *real* you. Just think, with your increased lung capacity from exercise you'll be able to smoke *that* much longer before the emphysema hits.

Re: Grace and her love life...that's why Steve has guns. Lots of guns.

Tink said...

I would totally go to the gym with you... Which, btw, is against everything I'm for and about too. Hoop keeps trying to convince me to go to a gym with him. Yeah... I don't think so. The only guy I show my ass sweat off to is the guy I'm seeing. Period.

Grace is awesome. Let her enjoy it. I had a boyfriend in kindergarten too. His name was Stephen and he had ears like Dumbo.

Alien said...

LOL September! I do amuse myself every time I go because the SECOND I get in the car to leave, I light up a cigarette. LOL! Baby steps, people... baby steps.

Tink: Ya know, as much as I bashed the all-women gyms and called them "Powder Puff Gyms" and stuff, I kind of like it. I don't have to worry about disgusting, sweaty meat head men looking at me (either because they're horny and desperate and want a piece... or because they're mentally making fun of the cottage cheese on my ass). Sometimes, as we're all going around doing the circuit of machines (which are in a circle facing in), we're talking about our kids, bashing our DH's, etc. You just can't do that in a co-ed gym, ya know?

beth said...

Way to go! I swear working out is addictive. I'm glad you're enjoying it and I love Tink's rationalizing that you're living longer so you can smoke longer. PIMP! Whatever floats your boat!!

beth said...

Oops, sorry September! I should have realized at once that it was your clever rationalization at work. :-)

I used to say that I didn't work out to attain the perfect body (thank God or I'd still be woefully disappointed), but so that I could eat whatever the hell I wanted. And I smoked for a year after I started working out. Ahh, the good ol' days...

Alien said...

LOL Beth! The truth is, other than wanting a slightly flatter stomach (so I can get my naval pierced), I'm really NOT doing it for appearance purposes. And truthfully, I'm totally happy with my actual weight right now too. I really am just tired of being tired. I want more energy. And I want to be able to run around with my kids all day and NOT be exhausted by dinner time. And god knows if anyone needs help in the cardiovascular department, it's me. LOL!

I just want to be in shape. I don't even care if I LOOK like I'm in shape. I just want to BE in shape.

September said...

Good outlook...if it's anything other than that it'll just bite you in the ass and you'll end up worse than before. I'm in the best shape of my life but thanks to Mr. Davis I have an abdominal hernia (will have to be surgically repaired) and look 4 mos pregnant. Good thing I run for mental health and sanity, otherwise I'd be pissed.

Farmer*swife said...

Do you freak out because you are suddenly getting posts on year old blogs? NO, I'm not a stalker. And, YES, I do have better and more important things to do. But, when I find something new, it kinda' becomes my new OCD. Like EBAY? Yea, almost had to go to EBAY anonymous. Anyhow, my point. Does your SIL have access to your blog? Cuz, I sent mine an invite to read it 'cuz I wanna show off as she's thinks she's "more perfect and anal than I am (well, than anybody) only she doesn't drink -- and, I do ;) Shiner Bock and vino (even by the box). Hey, it keeps you level, right? I am just wondering if u'r SIL reads it and how she handles you dissin' her. Cuz, there are times when I would wanna' diss mine but then she'll read it and I don't want family crap over it. Or, passive agressive payback. Maybe I need another blog. Either way, thanks again, for another good laugh!