Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Enough with the birthdays already, people!

Seriously. How many people could've possibly had sex in May and June? Is this a Spring Fever type thing? Because I swear to god, if we get ONE more invitation for a freakin' birthday party, I'm going to go postal. And I'm not just saying that either. I really will, dammit. Do you people have any idea what our weekends are like for the next month? No? Well, let me fill you in...

February 18th: Princess Tea Party for Grace's friend (Yes, this one is already past (thank god), but this is what started the whole freakin' birthday extravaganza.)

February 24th: Cake for my sister's birthday at her house, to celebrate her birthday that was yesterday, the 20th.

February 28th: Roller skating party for Grace's friend.

March 10th: (I still don't know how we're going to pull this one off.)
2:00 - 4:00 PM - Party for Grace's friend at his house down the road a bit.
2:00 - 4:00 PM - Party for Hannah's daycare friend at a gymnastics center in a town about 30 minutes from here.
4:00 - 7:00 PM - Party for our good friend (and Grace's godfather's) daughter. (Seriously, can you hear me ripping my hair out one by one right now?)

March 11th: Surprise 80th Birthday party for the neighbor. (How can we NOT go to this one? I mean, it's not like we don't see them almost every day, ya know?)

March 17th: Birthday party for Grace's friend at a local fire company.

I won't even mention my SIL's birthday on March something-or-other (the 8th maybe? LOL!) or my FIL's on March 14th. God willing, we won't have to actually celebrate those two with any sort of party.

Now seriously, this is just insane. I'm going to have to take out a second freakin' mortgage just to afford to buy all of these people a freakin' gift. [grumble grumble] So people, this is a public service announcement. Please stop producing babies in the spring months. Spread the love a little, ya know? Sex is good all year long. There's really no need to cram it all in in May and June, OK? Thanks.

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And on another note... we ordered a new computer yesterday! WOOHOO! My brand spanking new Dell should be arriving early next week and I can't wait to get my grimy little hands on the bastard. LOL!

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And get this crap... On Friday night when the kids were gone and we decided to visit my MIL and her husband, it came up about me joining the gym. Well, Steve & I, never people to pass up an opportunity to get people laughing, start telling the two of them that the main reason I joined the gym is because Steve told me my once-evil SIL had joined one and that there was no way on god's green earth I was going to let that girl be thinner than me. There's just way too much history there to let that happen. So my MIL and her husband are rolling at how we're telling this story, when my MIL says, "She didn't join a gym." [insert crickets chirping in the death-like silence here...]

Um, what? That's right folks, she did NOT join a gym. Not at all. And this "fancy" piece of exercise equipment that I thought she had bought and was jamming out on every night at home in addition to going to the gym? Yeah. It's a $35.00 piece of plastic that she bought on clearance somewhere. Something about a stepper with rubber band like cords attached to it that you can pull on. What... the... fuck. Oh my god, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I looked at Steve as if I was going to kill him, but by the look on his face, I could tell he was suprised too. My MIL has a habit of getting her stories wrong and she really had made Steve believe that SIL had joined a gym and had bought some big, expensive piece of machinery.

So basically, it was all a big fat lie and now I've joined a gym and gone against all of my beliefs because of this big fat lie. Dammit.

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So let's discuss a little hypothetical situation here. It may have happened yesterday afternoon around 4:00 or it may not have. I'm not saying either way....

So let's say your husband has a best friend. You like this best friend well enough for the most part and the guy is good to your family and would do anything for you. Granted, you used to hate the dude, but those were mostly for reasons that you really should've been pissed at your husband for, not the friend.

This guy can also be a real pain in the ass and his sole purpose in life is to make money, TELL people he's making money, and try to make people believe everything about his life is perfect, when you know for a fact (because he's told you), that things are certainly not perfect. This man's favorite line to use (and he says it to everyone... friends, strangers, whomever...) is, "It's hard to find perfection, but I married it." GAG! Yes, his wife is very attractive. And yes, she's thin and works out and all that other crap. But she's weird. Sometimes you'll see her and she'll talk your ear off. Other times, she'll look right through you as if she's never met you before in her life. You don't dislike her, but she often comes across as a snooty bitch and someone who needs to get some serious lessons on how to be social. You also know that they were in counseling together (not marriage counseling... just counseling in general) a few months ago because they were stressed out, having some issues, disagreeing on things, etc.

This wife now walkie talkies her husband while he's with your husband "just to say I love you" and to ask if he wants mashed potatoes or french fries with dinner. After ending the call, the man goes on and on and on about how wonderful his freaky ass wife is because she called to ask him what he wanted for dinner. Let's all gag again, my friends. You and your DH silently roll your eyes at him behind his back and sometimes get kind of annoyed at how the guy is constantly bragging about his wife, his life, his house, his money, his kids, etc. But all and all, he's really not a bad guy. In fact, he's honestly a really good guy. Just annoying.

Anyway, so you're sitting in the kitchen with your husband and this best friend and all three of you start making jokes about your house and your willingness to clean it. The best friend has pointed out the dust bunnies in the corners of the kitchen and you've made a sarcastic remark about not getting rid of them and you're all laughing (while you're silently wondering what kind of person points that out to someone in their home). But slowly, as the discussion continues, the mood seems to change, and you begin to feel more and more ganged up on and are basically being made to feel like a complete lazy slob with total disregard to the condition of your home. Some comments are made (all by the best friend... not your husband) about how it's "the woman's job" to clean. And you are asked point blank, "You're home. Why aren't you cleaning more? You should be." You begin to get angrier and angrier until you can't even see straight and you're ready to fly across the room and make it a physical altercation. You KNOW your husband doesn't like conflict and that he's hoping you just keep your mouth shut and let it slide. But having the personality that you do, that isn't gonna happen.

So you tell the guy (a guy who NO ONE ever says anything rude to or calls him on something) that "It's pretty fucking rude to walk into someone's home and comment on the condition of it. Especially when that said someone is IN the home 8 hours out of the day every damn day visiting his friend when they can't work in the winter because of their chosen job professions." And then instead of stopping there, you continue to comment on how you feel sorry for the person's wife because if she had any balls at all, she would've ripped his off a long time ago. And how his wife is NOT perfect and if she has to live up to that kind of pressure than god bless her. And then you roll your eyes at him.

And the guy stands there in shock. He's not really sure if you're still kidding or if you seriously just said all that stuff. And he really doesn't know how to react. So he back tracks and starts saying that that's not how he meant it. And how people are just different and what bothers one person might not bother another. And all that sort of happy horseshit. You're still pissed, but for the sake of your husband (who is obviously mortified by BOTH of your actions right now) you try to make light of it, calm down, and start cracking jokes again. You succeed in bringing the mood back down a bit and you're actually swimming with pride at making the dude completely embarrassed, since it's something that doesn't normally happen to him.

And you really declare yourself the winner when he calls the house later that night to apologize repeatedly if he offended you. That's right asshole. Try it again motherfucka, because next time you do something so ignorant and rude, I'll bring up what a fucking whackjob your wife really is and how she is far, far, FAR from being perfect. And then it might get ugly.

(Editor's note: I would just like to say that my house is NOT that bad. There's clutter from the kids toys and mail on the countertops and stuff, but my home is NOT dirty. Sure there are some dustbunnies in the corners, but I'm pretty damn sure that most people don't really think about the dustbunnies in the corners on a regular basis, and sure they'll get cleaned eventually, but they aren't something you add to your To Do list once a week.)

7 comments:

Tink said...

*Drops jaw* No he didn't!

Al, I love you girl. I'm SO glad you didn't just hold your tongue. Someone needed to stop that ass in his tracks and quick. And for the record... Someone who has to brag that much about his life being "perfect" is secretly unhappy or worried about something. Otherwise, why the constant affirmation?

hepmomto3 said...

OMG - I thought I was gonna piss myself about the gym. I think I did piss myself about the "hypothetical" friend. *snort* Why can't you be my neighbor??? we could get in so much trouble together.

September said...

Birthday parties do suck...thankfully most of my friends have started doing "no gift" parties and asking people to donate to a local charity or food pantry or something. I'd MUCH rather fork out $20 so a family can eat than buy another hunk of plastic that's going to get tossed in the corner.

Too funny about the gym. Now the real question is if you're enjoying it enough to stick with it. Now that the SIL is out of the picture are the fit old ladies enough to get you out there?

What's with the whole hypothetical bs?? Since I can't see you just *thinking* these things and not actually saying it I'll hazard a guess and say that you blew him out of the water and he had it coming. If the asshole is going to sit there talking and drinking your beer you could have dustbunnies breeding litters in the corners and he should keep his mouth shut.

Alien said...

Tink: Yes, he did really say that stuff (and more which escapes me at the moment because I was so pissed and upset that I couldn't see straight). And what you said about his constant affirmation is what Steve and I say ALL THE TIME. He really IS a good guy that would honest to god, do anything we needed him to. I could call him at 3:00 in the morning and tell him I needed something, and he'd be here within 10 minutes to help me out. But ALL he thinks/talk about is business and money. We almost feel sorry for him because he's obviously SO concerned about what other people think of him. And we laugh about his wife calling him on the walkie talkie constantly just to say she loves him. We figure that's either a woman that is worried her DH is screwing around or feels guilty about something. LOL! And what woman does that KNOWING her DH is with his buddy and that on the walkie talkie, the other guy will hear everything. I mean, I would NEVER do that to Steve. He'd be mortified. LOL! I told Steve that I love him and I know he loves me, and that if I need to call him several times a day to tell him that, than obviously something's wrong.

Emma: LOL! I'm not sure I WANT to get in anymore trouble. [sigh] ;)

September: Yeah, I ripped him a new one. I couldn't be nearly as brutal as I wanted to be because the girls were running in and out of the room and I had to watch what I said, but I let him no, in no uncertain terms, that he had crossed several lines and needed to shut the fuck up. I think he thought we had been kidding around, and once he saw I was seriously getting pissed, he kind of backed off. But at that point, I was too pissed to back off too and that's when I let him have it. After we calmed down, he apologized REPEATEDLY before he left that day and I just tried to blow it off for Steve's sake mostly. But he was very sincere when he called later that night and said that he was so, so sorry and that it wasn't right and that Steve and I are good friends to him and he just doesn't want any hard feelings. He said that it wasn't right what he did and that it won't happen again.

Oh, and he's never had a drop of alcohol in his life. That would mean he wasn't in control and that would NEVER happen. (Yeah... he's one of THOSE people. LOL!) It's weird because he's in his mid-40's, so I've always kind of looked at him as someone my parents age than ours. LOL! No my parents are not in their 40's, but I kind of always thought of him as more of an adult than Steve and I, so I just sort of gave him that "respect" not to cause trouble when he said something stupid, ya know? But I had pretty much had it that day. Older than me or not, dude, I'm gonna put you in your place.

I will say though that he was here at the house today with Steve, but never came in the house where I was. Perhaps I scared him. LOL!

KFblogger said...

"...and you're actually swimming with pride at making the dude completely embarrassed, since it's something that doesn't normally happen to him."
Ok, this is the part I was dying to get to... I started reading faster & faster hoping to reach something like this because I thought you better damn feel proud that you said those things! What an asshat! -K

Kimmykay said...

OMG, I don't know which one made me laugh more! The Gym... ah, poor Allison. But it is SO you, that story. It couldn't be any better. LOL.

Dang right you are proud. Dustbunnies unite! You could dress up as one for halloween, LOL.

Susie said...

I am with you on the birthday parties. We have one each weekend for the next three weekends - It gets expensive. Even if I go cheep and do a Blockbuster Bucket it is still at least $30 then I have a shower thrown in there - Dylynn's Godmothers daughter is having her 3rd kid - I thought they only had a shower for the first one??? I have to go and I can't be cheep because the mom is Sooooo generous with all the girls.

And you didn't join the gym for no reason, don't you feel good about yourself after you do a workout???

Steves friend is an ASS - plain and simple - you don't say shit like that when someone is kind enough to host your sorry ass and let you consume their cocktails.