Well, I'm coming at you from my new, snazzy Dell computer. Dear god, I love this thing. It's fast, still not smeared with fingerprints, and as of yet, there's no beer on the keyboard. It has Windows Vista on it, and lemme tell ya, it RAWKS! Love the damn thing. Love it.

So anyway, the new computer arrived on Friday afternoon and I spent all weekend customizing my settings, transferring files, and downloading software. Fun times.

So what I'm about to say is almost unbelieveable. I swear, if I didn't know me, I'd think I was making it up. (Don't get all excited... it's nothing that great.) LOL! But on Friday, Grace came home with ANOTHER birthday party invitation for March 14th at a hotel down the street from us (it's a party in the hotel's swimming pool). For the love of...

And then, just because fate decided I hadn't yet completely lost my mind, when I took Hannah too gymnastics that night, one of the moms there (that I've become fairly close with the past few years of gymnastics) handed me an envelope containing (you guessed it!) an invitation for her daughter's party at the gymnastics center. On March 10th... the same day as the THREE other parties we're already supposed to attend. Honest to god, I'm ready to hole up in my house until April and not come out until all of these spring fever babies are done celebrating the day of their birth. [sigh]

Speaking of birthday parties, we crossed one off the list tonight. Grace went to her "boyfriend's" roller skating party tonight. She's never really roller skated before, but she had a blast. However, she is going to be one hurting girl tomorrow morning and I won't be suprised if there are like a billion bruises on her legs, arms, butt, etc. from falling down so much. LOL! But it was fun for her and she didn't break any bones, which I suppose is all that really matters.

And with that extremely boring post, I'm off. I'm not sure yet if I'm going to head to bed, or fight sleep like usual and stay up another 3 hours doing mindless things, but either way, I've run out of things to say. I hope you all had a fantastic weekend!!

Sigh. He's here...

The dude I argued with two days ago is currently sitting 10 feet away from me. Again. We didn't bring up the other day at all, and he's being extra nice to me, but I'd really prefer if he'd go away. I'm trying to work and he keeps trying to make conversation with me. And his wife just called him on the walkie talkie and no matter what she asked him (Should we have steak for dinner? Should we watch those movies we rented tonight?... Etc.) he responded with, "That sounds perfect, Hon." [insert finger down throat and vomit here]. And when they hung up, she said, "OK honey. I love you." And he said, "I love you too, Sweetheart."

I had to bite my tongue and ask him if she knows how he stood in our kitchen a month or so ago bitching about how she's a fucking idiot when it comes to money and complaining because she went out and spent like $8,000 on dressers for the kids' rooms. And saying how she's a hypochondriac and he's fucking sick of all the medical stuff and pains she's always bitching about. But she's "perfect." Uh huh. Sure she is...

For the first time in my life, I'm not talking much. Instead, I'm sitting here typing what I really wish I could say out loud. Bite the tongue, Allison. Bite the tongue...

Enough with the birthdays already, people!

Seriously. How many people could've possibly had sex in May and June? Is this a Spring Fever type thing? Because I swear to god, if we get ONE more invitation for a freakin' birthday party, I'm going to go postal. And I'm not just saying that either. I really will, dammit. Do you people have any idea what our weekends are like for the next month? No? Well, let me fill you in...

February 18th: Princess Tea Party for Grace's friend (Yes, this one is already past (thank god), but this is what started the whole freakin' birthday extravaganza.)

February 24th: Cake for my sister's birthday at her house, to celebrate her birthday that was yesterday, the 20th.

February 28th: Roller skating party for Grace's friend.

March 10th: (I still don't know how we're going to pull this one off.)
2:00 - 4:00 PM - Party for Grace's friend at his house down the road a bit.
2:00 - 4:00 PM - Party for Hannah's daycare friend at a gymnastics center in a town about 30 minutes from here.
4:00 - 7:00 PM - Party for our good friend (and Grace's godfather's) daughter. (Seriously, can you hear me ripping my hair out one by one right now?)

March 11th: Surprise 80th Birthday party for the neighbor. (How can we NOT go to this one? I mean, it's not like we don't see them almost every day, ya know?)

March 17th: Birthday party for Grace's friend at a local fire company.

I won't even mention my SIL's birthday on March something-or-other (the 8th maybe? LOL!) or my FIL's on March 14th. God willing, we won't have to actually celebrate those two with any sort of party.

Now seriously, this is just insane. I'm going to have to take out a second freakin' mortgage just to afford to buy all of these people a freakin' gift. [grumble grumble] So people, this is a public service announcement. Please stop producing babies in the spring months. Spread the love a little, ya know? Sex is good all year long. There's really no need to cram it all in in May and June, OK? Thanks.

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And on another note... we ordered a new computer yesterday! WOOHOO! My brand spanking new Dell should be arriving early next week and I can't wait to get my grimy little hands on the bastard. LOL!

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And get this crap... On Friday night when the kids were gone and we decided to visit my MIL and her husband, it came up about me joining the gym. Well, Steve & I, never people to pass up an opportunity to get people laughing, start telling the two of them that the main reason I joined the gym is because Steve told me my once-evil SIL had joined one and that there was no way on god's green earth I was going to let that girl be thinner than me. There's just way too much history there to let that happen. So my MIL and her husband are rolling at how we're telling this story, when my MIL says, "She didn't join a gym." [insert crickets chirping in the death-like silence here...]

Um, what? That's right folks, she did NOT join a gym. Not at all. And this "fancy" piece of exercise equipment that I thought she had bought and was jamming out on every night at home in addition to going to the gym? Yeah. It's a $35.00 piece of plastic that she bought on clearance somewhere. Something about a stepper with rubber band like cords attached to it that you can pull on. What... the... fuck. Oh my god, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I looked at Steve as if I was going to kill him, but by the look on his face, I could tell he was suprised too. My MIL has a habit of getting her stories wrong and she really had made Steve believe that SIL had joined a gym and had bought some big, expensive piece of machinery.

So basically, it was all a big fat lie and now I've joined a gym and gone against all of my beliefs because of this big fat lie. Dammit.

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So let's discuss a little hypothetical situation here. It may have happened yesterday afternoon around 4:00 or it may not have. I'm not saying either way....

So let's say your husband has a best friend. You like this best friend well enough for the most part and the guy is good to your family and would do anything for you. Granted, you used to hate the dude, but those were mostly for reasons that you really should've been pissed at your husband for, not the friend.

This guy can also be a real pain in the ass and his sole purpose in life is to make money, TELL people he's making money, and try to make people believe everything about his life is perfect, when you know for a fact (because he's told you), that things are certainly not perfect. This man's favorite line to use (and he says it to everyone... friends, strangers, whomever...) is, "It's hard to find perfection, but I married it." GAG! Yes, his wife is very attractive. And yes, she's thin and works out and all that other crap. But she's weird. Sometimes you'll see her and she'll talk your ear off. Other times, she'll look right through you as if she's never met you before in her life. You don't dislike her, but she often comes across as a snooty bitch and someone who needs to get some serious lessons on how to be social. You also know that they were in counseling together (not marriage counseling... just counseling in general) a few months ago because they were stressed out, having some issues, disagreeing on things, etc.

This wife now walkie talkies her husband while he's with your husband "just to say I love you" and to ask if he wants mashed potatoes or french fries with dinner. After ending the call, the man goes on and on and on about how wonderful his freaky ass wife is because she called to ask him what he wanted for dinner. Let's all gag again, my friends. You and your DH silently roll your eyes at him behind his back and sometimes get kind of annoyed at how the guy is constantly bragging about his wife, his life, his house, his money, his kids, etc. But all and all, he's really not a bad guy. In fact, he's honestly a really good guy. Just annoying.

Anyway, so you're sitting in the kitchen with your husband and this best friend and all three of you start making jokes about your house and your willingness to clean it. The best friend has pointed out the dust bunnies in the corners of the kitchen and you've made a sarcastic remark about not getting rid of them and you're all laughing (while you're silently wondering what kind of person points that out to someone in their home). But slowly, as the discussion continues, the mood seems to change, and you begin to feel more and more ganged up on and are basically being made to feel like a complete lazy slob with total disregard to the condition of your home. Some comments are made (all by the best friend... not your husband) about how it's "the woman's job" to clean. And you are asked point blank, "You're home. Why aren't you cleaning more? You should be." You begin to get angrier and angrier until you can't even see straight and you're ready to fly across the room and make it a physical altercation. You KNOW your husband doesn't like conflict and that he's hoping you just keep your mouth shut and let it slide. But having the personality that you do, that isn't gonna happen.

So you tell the guy (a guy who NO ONE ever says anything rude to or calls him on something) that "It's pretty fucking rude to walk into someone's home and comment on the condition of it. Especially when that said someone is IN the home 8 hours out of the day every damn day visiting his friend when they can't work in the winter because of their chosen job professions." And then instead of stopping there, you continue to comment on how you feel sorry for the person's wife because if she had any balls at all, she would've ripped his off a long time ago. And how his wife is NOT perfect and if she has to live up to that kind of pressure than god bless her. And then you roll your eyes at him.

And the guy stands there in shock. He's not really sure if you're still kidding or if you seriously just said all that stuff. And he really doesn't know how to react. So he back tracks and starts saying that that's not how he meant it. And how people are just different and what bothers one person might not bother another. And all that sort of happy horseshit. You're still pissed, but for the sake of your husband (who is obviously mortified by BOTH of your actions right now) you try to make light of it, calm down, and start cracking jokes again. You succeed in bringing the mood back down a bit and you're actually swimming with pride at making the dude completely embarrassed, since it's something that doesn't normally happen to him.

And you really declare yourself the winner when he calls the house later that night to apologize repeatedly if he offended you. That's right asshole. Try it again motherfucka, because next time you do something so ignorant and rude, I'll bring up what a fucking whackjob your wife really is and how she is far, far, FAR from being perfect. And then it might get ugly.

(Editor's note: I would just like to say that my house is NOT that bad. There's clutter from the kids toys and mail on the countertops and stuff, but my home is NOT dirty. Sure there are some dustbunnies in the corners, but I'm pretty damn sure that most people don't really think about the dustbunnies in the corners on a regular basis, and sure they'll get cleaned eventually, but they aren't something you add to your To Do list once a week.)

Ahem. OK ladies (and gentlemen?)...

Here it is... The Tunnel of Love. Now let's discuss this little device.




http://www.hornsnhalos.net/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=TOLV&Category_Code=

And here's a link to it in case you're all inspired by this post to give it a whirl.


First of all, it's pink. I find this odd. Yes, it's marketed and labeled as a "masturbating device" for men, so I suppose the whole girly color thing is to make the man feel like they're with a woman instead of whacking off with their own hairy hand. I dunno. But c'mon. Do you honestly believe a guy isn't humiliated (and frightened?) enough that he's sliding a rubber tube over his penis. Did you really need to make it pink?


Now let's talk about the fact that the thing comes with absolutely no directions or diagrams. Now when you look at the picture, it looks like it's just a tube, and you're probably wondering how the hell stupid are Allison and Steve that they can't figure out how to put that thing on. But what you can't see is that the hole at one end is a different size than the hole at the other end. So when we opened the package, we were like, "Which hole goes on first?" The small hole looked REALLY small, so we figured the bigger hole must go first, with the smaller hole at the top. It certainly was useable that way I guess. I mean, it didn't cause any sort of weird ER visits or anything, so it was no big deal.


But the next day, Steve had a random "A ha!" moment in the middle of the day and said, "Hey, I think we used that wrong last night. I think the smaller hole is supposed to go on first so it stays in place while it goes up and down." Ohhhh.... good thinking, dude. LOL!


Like I said, Steve said it was OK and definitely felt good. But he wasn't convulsing with crazy ass orgasms either. And I should also add that we didn't really use it for the "deep throat effect" that the description describes. We just did our normal thing. The woman that ran the party had explained that you can keep it on for the duration of sex, and that it would just move up and down as we partied like rock stars. So I don't know if it would really work well for the whole oral sex thing or not. I just don't want y'all out there thinking I'm deep throating my husband every night, because I can assure you that that is not happening. Trust me. LOL!


So I guess Steve gives it a thumb's up. Not like a huge, shouting from the rooftops type thumbs up (yet... once we know we're using it properly, we'll make a final decision). But definitely an enthusiastic, "Hey, my wife brought home a sex toy and I'll use it even if it means putting a pink tube of rubber over my dick, just because sex toys are cool" sort of way, ya know?

So feel free to click that link up there and review one for yourself. Just make sure you also order some lube. Because I can assue you... you NEED the lube for this thing.

Fried laptops, dead rodents, tunnels of love and tea parties anyone?

Oh... my... god. No matter how hard I try, I don't think I'll be able to completely update you on everything that's gone on here the past few days since I last blogged. Seriously. I feel like I'm in a bad sitcom that can't get cancelled no matter how hard I try. So excuse my randomness and serious lack of segues, OK?

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First things first. My laptop is dead. And I mean dead. At 2 A.M. last night, I (being the effing idiot that I am), accidentally spilled some beer on the keyboard as I was getting up to go to bed. It's done. I can't type the letters A, D, Z, Q, S, T and a bunch of others, the Space bar doesn't work, when you hit any letter on the right side of the keyboard, it types the letter "D", and sometimes it randomly types repeating "E's" when you aren't pressing anything on the keyboard at all. Everytime you click on the Start menu, it opens up another session of Microsoft Exchange. I mean, it is FRIED. So I'm on my work laptop right now.

The good news in all of this is that Steve told me just to order a new computer. Uhhhh... ok. Hell, if I would've known it was that easy, I would've sprayed the sucker down with some Miller Lite months ago.

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I arrived home from a bunch of places yesterday and after being home for awhile, I spotted a plastic grocery bag hanging on the doorknob of our side door, between the main door and the screen door. I was like, "Hmmm.. what's that? I wonder who was here while we were gone and I wonder what they left us."

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it turns out that in that little grocery bag was a fucking DEAD SQUIRREL! Ewwwww! It's WAY too long a story to get into now, but one of Steve's friends had shot the squirrel and wanted Steve to skin it. He brought it by and we weren't home, so he thought it would be hilarious to just hang it there on our doorknob. I swear to god, I didn't know whether to laugh until I peed or call him and rip him a new one. A DEAD SQUIRREL, people! On my DOORKNOB! Rednecks suck, my friends. If you ever meet one, run far and run fast. Trust me on this one.

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As if one dead rodent isn't enough, we found another dead mouse in the mousetrap this morning. Seriously... I feel like Satan's version of Snow White or something. She attracted little bunnies and birds... I attract dead shit. Nice.

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Grace went to a birthday party yesterday afternoon (which is when the squirrel was apparently delivered). It was a princess tea party. Oh my. I realize most of you don't actually know Grace, other than from what I write here, but trust me when I say that a Princess tea party is not really her cup of tea (pun intended). In fact, when she received the invitation and read the part to her that said, "Come dressed as your favorite princess or pick a gown at the party!" she said (and I quote...), "I don't want to dress like no stupid freakin' princess!" And she wasn't kidding. LOL! God, I love her.

So anyway, it really was a cute party. It was held in an old, historic building and the girls got to go upstairs and put on dresses, hats and jewelry. They made bead bracelets and necklaces (Grace made one with her "boyfriend's" name on it... Seriously... this kid is going to be the death of me) and then had a tea party, complete with juice in real ceramic tea pots, they drank out of real ceramic tea cups, and they ate little finger sandwiches shaped like flowers and grapes. It was soooo cute (in theory), but Grace didn't seem to be having nearly as much fun as she would've if at least one member of the opposite sex was there to play football with her. LOL! But afterwards, she swore she loved it, so I guess I'll take her word for it. She did stay somewhat true to her beliefs though when she outright refused to wear any of the "stupid hats" they had there for the girls to wear if they wanted to. LOL!

I just thank god Hannah wasn't there because I swear I would've had to drag her out of there kicking and screaming. It totally amazes me how different two siblings can be. Anyway, here are a few pictures from the tea party...










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Also, before I go, I wanted to post a few pictures from Saturday morning when Steve and I took the girls out back to go sledding. We took them down a steep hill at the end of our yard and Grace had a BLAST! Hannah went down once (and went flying about 8 feet when they got to the bottom), so that was it for her. LOL!

(In case you're wondering about the pictures, I make them wear helmets when they sled down that hill. It's really steep and there are rocks and trees and stuff that they could potentially slam in to.)






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Crap! I almost forgot about the Tunnel of Love! It's been used twice here now. Steve likes it well enough, however, we believe we used it upside down and backwards the first time, so we're withholding judgement until we're sure we're using it properly. LMAO!

The Love Tunnel

So, on Saturday night, I went to a Horns and Halos party at my girlfriend's house. For those of you that aren't familiar with the company, they sell sex toys and lotions. For those of you that have never been to one, I highly suggest you try to get yourself invited to someone's. Even if you aren't "into" the idea of sexual "aids", the parties are a flippin' blast! Seriously. You put a bunch of women in a room, talking about sex, their husbands, and all that other good stuff, and you're bound to have a good time. There's always at least one woman there who makes it her mission to make inappropriate comments throughout the show (that would be me).

So the one the other night involved 22 women. Twenty-two women, some of which were married, some single, some with kids, some without. The jokes were flying. The demonstrator lady started out by passing out little penis shaped pencil toppers that we had to put on top of our pens and use to "sample" the edible creams and lotions that get passed around the room. Apparently, it's considered unsanitary for women to keep licking their fingers and sticking them into various jars, but it's OK to do the same thing with a small piece of rubber in the shape of the male sexual organ. Whatever. I'm game.

So we're passing around the various cremes and lotions. Massage stuff that gets hot when you blow on it... cremes to make the woman's um, opening tighten up and make her have better orgasms and be tighter for the guy... shaving creme that claims it prevents the red bumps on your bikini area when you shave... spray to "absorb" the wet spot after sex (that can also be used as an every day room deordorizer, etc. Some of them tasted downright nasty. I'm sorry, but when Steve and I are doing nasty things, I really don't want to lick him and have him taste like a blue-raspberry Slurpee. Maybe that's just me though...

My personal favorite in that group of products was one called "Dickalicious". Supposedly, it makes the man's penis tingle, it tastes good for the woman, and it will prolong the amount of time before he, uh, "finishes". The woman made a point of saying that you ONLY need a "pin prick" of it, because otherwise, the man's penis might start tingling too much, it could cause discomfort, and it'll be a loooooong time before he's um, satisfied. The jokes started flying and all of us there considered buying a bottle simply to use the next time our men pissed us off and we wanted to torture them for an entire night... "You said what, Hon? Fine. Let's go upstairs. I've got a real treat for you..." Rub it on and walk out of the room. Sweet.

After the lotions and gels were all discussed, it was time to play a game. There's nothing quite as funny as women standing around in a circle trying to pass a big, rubbery, double-ended dildo around using only their knees. I must say, the girl next to me and I kicked ass at the game, but I didn't win, dammit. [sigh] (See photos below.)

After that little ice breaker, it was time to discuss the "toys." I always like to watch the faces of the women who have never been to one of these parties before or who have never actually seen a sex toy in person. It's flipping hilarious and is worth going to these parties just for that. So we're passing around vibrators that move, rotate, bend, flip, have spinning beads, have one end, two ends, three ends, etc.

In the midst of all of this, out comes "The Wallbanger." I seriously almost pissed myself laughing. It's a large, hot pink vibrator with a big black suction cup on the bottom. The woman slammed the suction cup against the wall and then explained that it can be attached to the wall, the top of a coffee table, a window sill, the side of the tub, etc. Oh... my... god. The jokes were flying. Comments about sticking the sucker to the kitchen cabinets and never complaining about cooking dinner again. LOL! Awesome! And here it is... the Wallbanger...




But the most popular item of the night came towards the end of the demonstration. The woman pulls out this pinkish rubber stretchy tube. She says it's called the Love Tunnel and is their top selling item. I'm still thinking, "What the hell is it?" when she explains exactly what it's for...
"To use this, lube up your man's penis and slide this on with his head sticking out the end. Then when you give him oral sex, you'll only have the head of his penis in your mouth, but it will feel like you're deep-throating him." Holy SHIT! Are you kidding me? I swear to god, EVERY single woman there whipped out their pens and marked that down on their order forms. LOL! I chimed in with a whole plan to buy that AND the Dickalicious lotion so I could slather that tingly crap on, slide on the Tunnel of Love and make Steve suffer in pain for hours. (Don't lie... it would be funny and you know it.)

So anyway, I left that evening with a free Silver Bullet and another free vibrator called "The Screamer" on its way. And I'll let you know if the Love Tunnel works. Because I swear to god, if it does, I'm buying one for every single solitary girl I know. Every...single... one...


So I leave you with this doozy of a picture. It totally cracks me up. Is it just me, or do I look like I'm thinking, "Hey ASS, get that damn thing away from me?" LOL! (Sorry these pictures suck. I pulled them off of Shutterfly after the hostess sent a link to the pics from the party.)

Oh my...

OK. So Steve found some boxes of old stuff in the garage loft that I've been instructed to go through and keep and toss as necessary. One of the things in there was a big case of old cassette tapes. 99.9% of them are mix tapes I made for myself, other people, etc. way back in the day. Remember how cool you thought you were when you made one? And how much time and effort you put into it? How'd you get one tape all set up at exactly the right spot? And then how impressed you were with your impeccable timing when you'd hit Play on one tape and Play & Record on the other tape at exactly the right moment? Or how you'd listen to the radio all day long, hoping to hear that one song you wanted to record and then praying you'd be able to lunge for your tape in time to hit Record? Ahhhh... those were the days.

So anyway, I found one in my old stash called "Senior Tape 1990-91". I made it my senior year of high school. Never one to NOT be overly queer, inside the case, I found a little typed song list with an explanation of why I chose each song for the tape. Some of the explanations are real doozies lemme tell ya...

"Right Here Waiting" (RICHARD MARX) - This song is off of his "Repeat Offender" album and one of my all-time favorite songs. It came out in the summer of 1989. (I'm cringing right now. LOL!)

"Wonderful Tonight" (ERIC CLAPTON) - Theme song from our homecoming dance in October 1990. (Um, wasn't that everyone's homecoming dance theme song that year? LOL!)

"You've Lost That Loving Feeling" (THE RIGHTEOUS BROTHERS) This is a popular song with almost everyone in school. It became popular when it was in the movie "Top Gun". When Jason and I danced to this song at the prom, and when the line, "Baby, Baby, I'd get down on my knees for you," came on, Jason got down on his knees and started singing to me. It was adorable and everyone loved it. (Um... GAG! Dear lord...)

There are more on that mix, but the rest are even more gay and I just can't humiliate myself anymore than I already have. So let's move on to some of the others...

Favorite title for one of the tapes: "Slow Songs So Sappy They Make You Want to Vomit." And god, was I ever right. Celine Dion, Whitney Houston, and Vince Gill are all on there. Oh my. LOL!

Title of a mix made for me by my boyfriend my senior year of college: "Allison Rocks the House (Yo!)" LOL! That one really is a good mix though and is dated July of 1994. The songs range from "No Sleep Till Brooklyn" by the Beastie Boys to "Bullet in the Head" by Rage Against the Machine to "Sober" by Tool to "Peace, Love & Understanding" by Elvis Costello. I am so totally playing that tape tomorrow. LOL!

What's funny is that as I'm playing them, I'm still remembering all of the lyrics, even after not having heard some of the songs in a good 10 years. Funny how that works. Especially when I can't remember my kids' names some days. ;)

I will say that these newly found mix tapes are giving me some great ideas for the next time I download a bunch of songs onto my MP3 player. LOL!

Dear lord, guys...

There are like old ladies at my new gym. And I don't just mean like older than me/50-ish. I mean OLD, as in pushing 70. Gray hair, lots of wrinkles, etc. And they come in, and they sit down on the machines, and they do them as well I can. One of them yesterday blew me out of the water when she laid down on the slanted bench thingy and started doing a ridiculous amount of sit-ups. What the hell?

I must say, it is rather motivating since it makes me work a little harder. I mean, if I'm like 50 years younger, I really should be able to do more than them when it comes to physical activity, right? Because if I can't, well, that's kinda sad. LOL!

Anyway, it made me realize that there really is absolutely no excuse for not having started this whole working out thing sooner. I mean, if they can do it, certainly I can, right? Uh.... guys?? I said, right? Anyone?...

By the way, I want to apologize...

for all of you bloggers out there that I've been neglecting. I haven't read some of your blogs in like 2 weeks because I've been so busy with work, etc. I read all of my blogs in Bloglines, so I don't click on your blog link and now I have like 10 entries to read on all of your blogs. Of course, this means that it's at a point where it'll take me an entire day to get through all of them, so I guess I'll have to pick one of you at a time and try to catch up. LOL!

I'll get there soon. Promise. :)

Forgive me Father...

...for I have sinned. Two days ago I did something that goes against everything that I believe is true and right in the world. I did something that makes me re-evaluate my priorities and question my values.

What did I do that was so bad? Ugh. I'm embarrassed to even admit it, but I finally took the plunge and joined a gym. [sigh] This is NOT me. Those of you that have known me awhile or whom have met me in real life will realize how out of character this is for me, and how this is something I have trouble even admitting to people. The humiliation is simply overwhelming. But it had to be done. It really, really did.

So I did it. And as if paying someone in order to do physical activity isn't enough of a shame factor in my life, I joined an all-girls gym. (Seriously. Shoot me now. [sigh] )

But it seemed like the best idea. They offer the whole "express" 30-minute workout (which is all I have time for most days), and they have a seperate room where you can jump on machines and do whatever you want for however long you want to. And they offer some classes which sound kind of hilarious (belly dancing aerobics and salsa dancing aerobics to name two) that I can totally see myself checking out sometime (if for no other reason than having something funny to blog about.)

So I spent all morning psyching myself up. Telling myself it would be fun and that I wouldn't fall off a machine in front of 20 people... or pass out because my nicotene-filled lungs couldn't handle the shock. As I was getting ready to leave the house, Steve ran around yelling, "WOOHOO! You GO, girl! Work it!" And then he handed me one of the girls' purple terrycloth wristbands and dared me to wear that and a headband... One friend emailed me a link to Drew Barrymore's SNL skit where she's doing some sort of hilarious aerobics video wearing flourescent tiger-striped tiger pants... Another friend made a comment about "stomping out my cig" right outside the gym door... Steve said that he could totally picture me on a treadmill, with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other... My mom asked me what the hell was wrong with me that I'd do something that is so against my principles... So it was nice starting out with so much support and encouragement in my life. ;)

So anyway, I went and I joined. They showed me how to use all of the machines in the circuit and I managed not to make a complete fool of myself. However, the owner/trainer either doesn't "get" my humor, or doesn't get humor in general. Because everytime I made a joke or sarcastic remark poking fun at myself, she just stared at me blankly, like I was insane. Not even a glimpse of a smile came through. [sigh] Oh well.

I went back again yesterday, and after I post this, I'll be heading there for the third day in a row. It really isn't quite as bad as I expected it to be, and I'm hoping I can stick it out. However, if you're in my neck of the woods, don't bother trying to find athletic pants, plain T-shirts, sports bras, or gym socks because I've depleted the supply in most of the stores. You'll have to wait until they restock.

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My SIL is a jackass. She called me yesterday to tell me that her son (our nephew) is having a birthday party at McDonald's THIS Saturday at 6:00. Yup. Three days notice. Thanks ya freakin' loser. I already have plans actually, and while Steve takes the girls to the disgusting playplace with crappy food, I'll be at my girlfriend's house, enjoying the company of 21 other women, passing around dildos and vibrators at a Horns and Halos party. WOOHOO! I'm pissed though, because originally, the girls were supposed to sleep over at my mom's that night, allowing me to enjoy my evening out without worrying about Steve trying to get the girls to bed and about him not falling asleep before they do (which is highly likely). But now (because my SIL is an asshole with no manners or common sense enough to tell people ahead of time about things like parties), I'll probably come home to find two hyped up girls jumping around and trashing the house while Daddy snores in the recliner. Son of a bitch...

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Grace is a little hussy. She's been coming home for a week now, telling me about her "boyfriend", Zachary. She said (and I quote), "He told me he actually loves me. So now, instead of breaking up, we're going out." Oh my god! Going out!?!? Kindergarteners know what "going out" is? What the HELL?

And then, the next day, she came home and said she really wasn't sure what to do. Apparently, she also likes Jordan and she really isn't sure which one should be her boyfriend. She pondered this quietly to herself and then said, "Ya know what? I can't pick. I'll just have two boyfriends." I didn't know whether to give her a "You GO, girl!" or explain the moral wrongness of stringing along two handsome men. LOL!

OK guys... off to the gym. [sigh]

So I have a fairly long new post half typed out...

but right now, I have no time to finish it since I am desperately trying to fit as much work in as possible in the next 20 minutes before my children arrive home from school. But here's a little list of some things you'll be reading about later tonight:

• I joined a gym yesterday and feel like a big fucking dork.
• I seriously, seriously want to throttle my sister-in-law (which has nothing to do with the whole gym rivalry thing I've created in my head).
• Grace is a hussy.

Good stuff, lemme tell ya... [sigh]

Free Husband to Good Home...

So... would anyone like to take Steve off my hands for a few days (possibly weeks)? He's not even technially doing anything wrong per se, but I'm afraid I've overdosed on his company these days. He's not working right now (too cold), which is typical at this time of year. And that's all fine and dandy. But see, technical writers can, for the most part, write at all times, regardless of the outside temperature. That means that I, unlike Steve, do have work.

Now let's also take into consideration the fact that although Grace goes to school 5 days a week, Hannah only goes 3. And if we throw in recent illnesses and inclement weather, that number drops to about 1 or 2 days a week. The number of days both children are gone is directly related to how many days I can get a significant amount of work done for my paying job, which really does (contrary to popular belief) require at least some concentration.

So my dear Steve, I love ya and all, but the fact that you've been here on my "working days", blaring the TV (I swear to god, he's half deaf), blasting the radio, and vacuuming around me is... well... IT'S DRIVING ME FUCKING INSANE!!!!!!!!

So, for the love of all things holy, go away. Go visit your dad... Go visit your mom... Go visit a strip club or a whore house for all I care. Pick one of your numerous hobbies and go do it. Walk down to the garage and pretend you like working on your trucks or something. ANYTHING! Just GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!

(And now back to our regularly scheduled programming....)