Dear Steve (Part 3),

Now you REALLY need to get your ass home. I was all happy and calm, thinking the little shit of a mouse in the trap was it for now. But noooo... I just had a 3 minute stare-down with one of his little bastard friends, who is, most definitely, still alive. The little fucker was like 8 feet away from me and didn't flinch when I yelled, made noise, stomped my feet, and acted like an idiot trying to scare him into the crack in the wall he was standing next to. He didn't move until I threw a container of Clorox wipes in his direction.

So hon, get your ass home NOW and do something about these little rodents that seem to think they can make themselves at home here.

Love,
Your wife.

Dear Steve (Part 2),

I changed my mind. I'm glad you left for most of the day. But now you need to get your ass home. Because, see, that mouse we saw running through the kitchen the past two nights is now dead in the mouse trap in the sun room, about 10 feet from me right now. And there's no way on god's green earth I'm touching the damn thing. So for the love of god, get your ass home and remove the critter from my home please.

Thanks.

Love,
Allison

Dear Steve,

PLEASE, for the love of all things holy, go hunting. I know it's foggy and that makes it tough to see the animals you're supposed to be hunting. But maybe you'll get really lucky and one will just walk right up to you. I'm sure it could happen. And even if you don't see any animals, don't you want to go out anyway, just to enjoy being surrounded by nature. Please? Pretty, pretty please? I need my silence on the days the girls aren't here, and frankly, you just don't ever shut up. So I love ya and all, but um, go away, OK?

Thanks sweetheart!

Love,
Me

I'm Here and I'm Queer...

OK. So I'm not actually queer in the homosexual sense, but I've always loved that little rhyme. And I always add the "... and I'm queer," part in my head when I or someone else says, "I'm here." I need a life, eh? LOL!

Anyway, I know I've been sucking at this blog thing. It's funny how the holidays make you busier, isn't it? And when husbands are home more often than usual, it's also hard to hang out on the computer all day. Bastards. Every one of 'em. ;)

We had a really nice Thanksgiving. The day after, we headed to the tree farm and put up and decorated our Christmas tree. I think it's my favorite one we've ever had so far. The branches go all the way to the ground which rocks!

I spent the rest of the weekend continuing to decorate the house (inside and out) for Christmas, taking the girls outside for some more leaf jumping (the weather's been GORGEOUS), and trying to regain some control of the clutter in my home (and failing miserably). Throw in some actual paid work and some more digital scrapbooking for Christmas gifts, and there was little to no spare time here lately.

So I have no exciting news or stories to share, and nothing interesting to say really. But I wanted to let you all know that I'm here... (and I'm queer.... See? I can't not say that. LOL!)

Sooo...

I've come to a conclusion. I only bother with you people when I'm trying to avoid something else. LOL! This blog is a wonderful procrastination tool.

So if I'm enjoying myself, digital scrapbooking or whatever... "Eh. Screw blogging today. I don't have anything interesting to say anyway."

But if I'm trying to avoid updating a computer software manual with screenshots or cleaning my pigsty of a house... "Hmmm... I think I'll go check in with my blog readers and see what's shaking."

LOL! I'm mostly kidding. It's just always so busy this time of year. And god forbid I let my children out of my sight when they're here because that would inevitably result in another broken item of furniture/knick-knack/bone/etc., and me having to break out the ol' can of whoopass again. [sigh]

So bear hunting season started on Monday. That means I see very little of Steve. That's not necessarily a bad thing, since it does mean I don't have to worry about cooking full meals and stuff. But it also means that I'm responsible for all kid/house/chore/shopping/etc.-related issues. Yay.

Steve informed me last week that in just 2 short weeks, I'll have a stuffed, once live bear in my flippin' living room. The bear he shot last year is almost finished at the taxidermist. Now, when he originally decided to get a full mount, it was my understanding that the monstrosity would be kept over in our rental unit in the backyard, which has become Steve's "hunting room". But I've recently been informed that there is no room over there and that he wants it here in the house. Um, dude? And you think there's room in here? Crap. I'm still not sure how I feel about the whole thing, so I'll have to post pictures when good ol' Smokey arrives and we can discuss. LOL!

Alrighty gang... I really do have to go update that user's guide now and clean this hellhole before Crack Kid #1 arrives home from school (early dismissal today). So I want to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving! Have a blast, eat a lot of food, get a lot of sleep, and come back with stories to share about Crazy Uncle Jimmy and how he got all sorts of drunk again. ;)

Later!

Free to Good Home...

Two Children, Ages 3 and 5. Three-Year-Old Doesn't Eat Much, But Requires Lots of Milk. Five-Year-Old Eats as Much as a Grown Man, But Mostly Healthy Food. Padded Room in Home Would Be a Good Idea. Also Put Away All Breakable Items Around Home in Order to Avoid Daily Disasters. Must Have Patience in Order to Avoid Throttling Them. Recent Activity Indicates They May be on Crack, so Being in a Good Financial Situation Would Be Best.

Call 1-800-HELP ME2 if Interested.

Tales From a Redneck Wedding - Part II

OK. So the reception was, um, interesting. Nothing too exciting actually happened, but there was definitely a lot to look at. They say a picture's worth a thousand words, so without further ado, I present you with these gems...

Now before y'all start saying I'm a snobby bitch, I will say this. Although this type of wedding reception and attire isn't necessarily the usual in this area, it's also not completely unheard of either. In many ways, it was more fun than a "traditional" wedding reception. Everyone there seemed to have fun, which is really what's most important. But it definitely makes for good blogging material, no? LOL!

Part II Coming Soon...

Sorry gang. Part II needs photos and I haven't had a chance to edit/shrink them yet. Be patient my friends. I'll get to it sometime today... LOL!

Tales From a Redneck Wedding - Part I

OK guys, so my cousin's wedding is/was today. It's a joke of a relationship, I really can't stand my cousin, it's her second marriage, and frankly, she's an idiot. No one in my family wanted to go to this thing. So anyway, the girls and I are home from the ceremony (Steve's on his way home from climbing around a mountain somewhere) and are waiting for Steve to get home and the reception to start. So far, just from the brief 20 minutes at the church, I've seen/witnessed/heard/noticed:

* The father of the bride (my uncle, whom I adore) is wearing a tie with fish all over it, that he proudly proclaimed was free when I told him I liked it.

* The sister of the bride (my other cousin) is sporting jeans and a button down blouse (tell me again why I went out and bought something to wear for this shindig).

* The sister of the bride's children are wearing T-shirts with animals on them and cargo pants.

* About 30% of the guests were in faded, and sometimes ripped jeans.

* Matching, exposed, large shoulder blade tattoos on both bridesmaids. (Which in and of itself wouldn't phase me. But when thrown in with this other stuff, it had to be mentioned.)

* The sister of the bride and her DH not leaving the ceremony when their almost 3-year-old (in the animal T-shirt) was pitching a holy fit, screaming, crying, and throwing his bag of Chex Mix around the church.

* A fairly overweight woman with the largest breasts I've ever seen wearing a black mini skirt, that, kid you not, comes to just under the bottom of her ass cheeks.

* An older man, who was standing next to me leaving the church, grabbed the little bells we were suppsed to ring. He turned to me and said with a smirk, "Are we supposed to ring this whenever we get lucky tonight?"

Oh... my... god guys. Even my dad, upon exiting the church and catching a glimpse of the large micro-mini wearing woman at the same time I did, turned to me and said, "Well, the reception should be interesting." ROFLMAO!

Needless to say, I've already cracked a beer, Steve is designated driver tonight whether he likes it or not, and there's no way on god's green earth I can forget to take my camera to this thing. Stay tuned... I'm sure there will be WAY more to tell tonight. I'm off to the Beaver Run Rod and Gun Club.... (I'm not shitting. That's actually where the reception is. YEEHAW!!!!!)

Holy crap, you people are a pain in the ass...

Sheesh! A woman doesn't blog for a day... er... a few days... um... a week and all hell breaks loose in my email inbox and in my blog comments... "Hey Allison, where are ya?"... "Alien, are you OK?"... "Hey bitch, where the hell have you been?...." LOL!

I'm totally kidding about you being pains in the ass (pain in the asses?). I'm touched that so many of you are bummed when I don't blog. I don't even really have an excuse. Nothing seemed particularly blog-worthy. And stuff that did at the time, I'd forget by the time I had a chance to come here. Throw in three birthday parties, a wedding, early dismissal for Grace three days this week, a parent/teacher conference, a husband that was home all day yesterday because of the rain, kick ass shows at night, and me digital scrapping my ass off to make Christmas gifts for people, and well, there isn't much time left in the day. LOL!

But I'm here. I'm fine. And I promise to be back again soon. Maybe even later tonight. ;)

My yard is a dangerous place to be...

That's what I learned the other day when the girls and I went out front to rake and jump in the leaves out there.

First, the yard is teeming with leaf monsters. They're horrible, evil creatures that look like a pile of leaves with a human head. You have to be careful, because they can get pretty vicious when provoked.




And then if you're not really careful, the Leader of the Leaf Monsters will hover over you in his UFO and try and shoot you with laser beams.

LOL! Seriously though, how cool is that last picture. And no, I didn't plan that or even notice it until I uploaded the pictures onto my computer. Weird.

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In other news, I'm pleased to announce that Grace has been chosen as Student of the Month for her classroom for November! She's soooo proud (and so are we). They choose one boy and one girl out of each classroom in the elementary schools. She'll have her picture and a short biography displayed on the school bulletin board all month, and her name will be in our local paper sometime next week. Yay!

It's always kind of nice when your kid gets recognized for something good like that. You just have to think that you must be doing at least something right in raising them, ya know?