Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Stop the ride! I want to get off!

Sigh. OK. So soooo much has been going on here lately, that sometimes, I feel like my head is spinning. And then other times, I'm in such a funk that I feel like I'm watching the world go by in slow motion. It's a rather surreal experience, and one that I'm hoping ends soon. I'm a freaking mess for so many reasons and I'm really, truly tired of feeling that way. But I'm not here to be all "deep" or anything. I'm just going to bullet point my life for the past few days. Some are frickin' hilarious, others are depressing, and some are downright pathetic. But they're all me, so if you don't like some of it, or want to make fun of me for some of it, so be it. [shrug] All I know is that I'm not sleeping much, not eating much, drinking too much and smoking WAY too much as a way to "escape" from what has become my life. Dear god, that sounds dramatic. LOL! I'm not suicidal or anything, but I've got to do something because I'm not "me" anymore and that kind of makes me sad.

* I lost 7 more pounds in the past week (that's right... one pound per day) because I'm so damned stressed out about numerous things that I literally don't eat much at all (if anything). I eat one meal a day (if that) and then maybe one little snack at night. A few bites of food fills me to the point where I feel like I'm going to explode if I force another bite of food in my mouth. I'm NOT doing it on purpose, but when I'm stressed, I don't eat. For example, a few days ago, the ONLY food I consumed in 24 hours was half a pack of Ramen noodles and 3 pretzels. The next day, it was even less. I now weigh what I did in high school for the first time since high school and all of the new jeans I just bought right before Christmas are way too big on me. [sigh] I am NOT happy about this, but until I find some balance in my life, I don't see anything changing anytime soon. (And PLEASE don't comment that I have an eating disorder. I'm not avoiding food because I want to lose weight. It's just that some people pig out when they're stressed, whereas I just get nauseous and don't really want to eat. This is about stress... NOT about weight or food in particular.)

* Have become obsessed with job search websites. The thing is, since I'm a freelance/contract writer, I don't only obsessively check the "standard" job search sites like Monster.com and CareerBuilder.com, but all freelancing sites too. Every hour of every single frickin' day, I have about 25 sites I check for new listings. I'm starting to become one of those freaky, obsessive people that the neighborhood kids talk about. But I won't be the "Cat Lady." I'll be the "Internet Job Search Lady" that stares at her computer screen without blinking.

* Sleep. What's sleep? I don't like to go to sleep. Because once I go to sleep, time goes too fast and then I wake up and  have to face another day of stress and depression. So I stay up as late as I possibly can. Because once everyone else in the house is sleeping, and the phone has stopped ringing, I find total peace. Nighttime is a beautiful thing. Hence the 3-4 hours of sleep a night I've been getting for the past month.

* Let's veer from the depressing shit and focus on the fun shit for a moment, shall we? Since the girls sleep at my parents' house every Saturday night, Steve and I have started going out to eat every weekend, which has been awesome. It's the one night a week where I actually eat more than a few bites of food, and it has really allowed Steve and I to reconnect.

* This past Saturday night was the best. We went to a bar/restaurant less than a mile down the street from us and the bartender remembered us from the week before. The events that followed were truly hilarious. The next few bullets are going to all discuss those events...

* A couple from another county were there that night. The guy was seriously the biggest talker/babbler I've ever met in my life. He told us they were in town to visit his buddy who is in federal prison for a DUI. The conversations between the two of them and Steve & I eventually veered to Harley's, hunting and kids. Very nice people, but rednecks in the truest sense of the word.

* I think at one point, we all traded emails and phone numbers, but since we haven't yet heard from them, I can't be sure if that ever actually took place. And I can't find the paper they wrote their information down on, so it's all up to them now. LOL!

* Random old men were at the bar. One was a guy who did "a ton of work" on our house before we bought it... One was a dude that drops $300 every weekend there (according to the kickass bartender) just buying rounds of drinks for everyone else there (including us that night).

* A business dude from Atlanta, GA shows up and is playing on his laptop and is drinking lemon martinis from cool funky-stemmed glasses. He let me sample some of his drink at one point. (Note to self: Don't drink out of other out-of-state men's glasses in bars.)

* My high school chemistry teacher's son and his wife show up at one point where we discuss the HUGE crush I had on his old-as-dirt dad when I was in school and he was my teacher.

* Steve (who was drunk off his ass) at one point yells to me across the bar and shows me that he's wearing the chemistry teacher's son's wife's rabbit fur boots and says he wants a pair too. (I have NO idea how he came about to wearing HER boots, but it was funny as hell at the time.)

* Talked to a guy who has a pregnant daughter in jail and a 16-year-old son who just got arrested for a DUI.

* Had another drink bought for us from a local dentist's brother. The dentist is the one who wants to give me a full set of upper dentures and his brother said I'm way too young for dentures and I should go see his buddy... another dentist in town. Sibling loyalty be gone.

* Had ALL of the people there that night (including the bartender) tell me they want me to waitress there because I'd be a blast and they'd tip me well. Yeah. Great. I'll go from making between $30 to $50 an hour (depending on the project and/or client) to making $3.00 an hour plus tips. Sure. [sigh] (Note: I have NOTHING against waitresses and it was one of my favorite jobs of all time. And I may very well do it again for awhile if I have to. I was a damn good one and really enjoyed it. But right now, the pay may not cut it for me.)

* Had another drink bought for us by some other random person I can't recollect. But kudos to them.

* Had the Atlanta, GA dude ask me if I had a smoke. Thinking he meant cigarettes, I said, "Sure!" Then he said, "No. Not that kind of smoke." Um, no. No, I don't. But I know a few people that could hook him up next time he's in town. LOL!

* Ordered a gin and tonic at one point. I used to LOVE my gin and tonics, but have since become a total beer girl, so how or why I decided to go back to my "old man drink" that night is beyond me.

* Left there with a giddy, drunk Steve and we're still not really sure how we got home. Oy. Thank god it's only 30 seconds from our house is all I can say.

* Can't wait to go back this Saturday. ;)

* Got several calls today from recruiters for some open tech writer positions  not too far from me that I REALLY want a shot at. So far, so good, but I've recently learned not to get my hopes up.

* Got a call from my sister tonight that my dad took my mom to the ER for chest pain. She mentioned to me on Saturday that she had some tightness in her chest and trouble breathing, but hasn't mentioned it since, so I thought it had passed. Apparently not. They're still not sure what's going on, although they think they've ruled out a heart attack type thing, so we'll see. She's there overnight tonight, but there are no definite answers yet. So any extra thoughts and/or prayers would be greatly appreciated if you don't mind. My mom and I are REALLY close and she's practically a second mother to my girls, so something happening to her would be a absolute tragedy in our lives. I'm not trying to be pessimistic, but the way my life has been going lately, and with the stress I already have going on, this is the LAST thing I wanted to happen. :(

I guess that's it. A glimpse into my life the past few days. See why I drink? And smoke? And don't eat? LOL!

But so we can end on a good note, I'd like to give a shout out to my girls. I have 2 of them that have booked flights to come in and visit me one weekend this summer, and another one & her husband coming to visit the weekend after that. I am soooo excited and happy and thrilled about it that I can't even put it into words. I don't get along with very many girls (that whole catty/competitive thing turned me off in high school and I've never gotten past it), so the fact that I've formed some female bonds thrills me. I've met all of them in person several times, so I know we'll be lifelong friends. :)

And beyond those three that are coming to visit, I have another 5 or 6 girlfriends I know from the internet that I email daily. These women have truly gotten me through everything in my life since the day I "met" them. They are the most supportive people I have in my life right now, and without them, I honestly don't know how much worse I'd be mentally. They're my "rocks" and I'd like to give a shout out to them right now. I have one that emails me daily with job leads and advice, which has proven invaluable in my job search. But beyond that, she's also so much like me, it's scary. We have such similar thoughts that I KNOW that if we lived in the same town, we'd be such good friends that people couldn't separate us if they tried. --- One that always throws a bit of sarcasm into her responses which keeps me grounded and makes me laugh. --- One that is dealing with some huge, stressful shit herself, and yet always offers me hugs and support and a hell of a lot of laughs. --- One that's just "nice" and that I know will always say those nice things I need to hear. She's one of those people that has probably never pissed anyone off in her life. --- One that has shown me that as a mother, we do what we need to do and deal with it, regardless of what we want to do. --- And one that's just "my girl." I've met her numerous times, have loved her dearly since the day I met her online and then in person, and that I know would do anything for me if I asked her.

THIS is what makes life what it is. THIS is what helps people get through the times in life when you want to just give up and say fuck it. So thank you girls. You know who you are and I truly hope you realize that your friendship means the world to me and is the ONLY thing (literally) keeping me from going off the deep end these days. And for that, I thank you. And I owe you all. BIG time. ;)

PS: I realize that half of this post was rather depressing. I swear I'll try to make tomorrow's post a little less "emotional" and a bit more on the humorous side. I swear to god, to say I don't even know who the hell I am these days is not an understatement. But the old "Alien" is in there somewhere and I'm determined to find her again, if it's the last thing I do. For real.

PPS: I mentioned my weight loss earlier. As much as I realize that it happened in the WRONG ways and not on purpose, I'd just like to say that DAMN, I feel good about it. LOL! That's wrong, isn't it?  But I can't help it. So WOOHOO for that little aspect of my life's drama. ;)


Renfield said...

Alright, skinny bitch, stop losing weight! At this rate, you will weigh zero and I will weigh enough for the both of us! Wait a minute! What's? that? It's a grilled cheese sandwich screaming your name! Go, Alien, go!!

Love ya, babe! Hang in there. Next thing you know it will be commuting and rifling through the laundry pile looking for something that isn't TOO wrinkled to wear to work.

Tink said...

Go pick up some of those strawberry or vanilla meal replacement shakes. Hoop drank nothing but those while he was recovering from his wisdom teeth surgery and he gained 10 pounds! He just called to tell me he sat down and his belt busted off him (no shit). So gaining wasn't exactly a GOOD thing for him, but it sounds like it might be a good thing for you. ;)

Susan's 365 said...

You've got a lot going on right now and it will all straighten itself out. I'm glad you've got your "girls" to lean on and to help you out.

Hang in there.

Hope your mom is okay. Please keep us posted.

Kelly said...

((((Allison)))) hopefully things will calm down for you soon. I know all too well how you feel except I want to sleep and eat all the time! LOL.
Hopefully you're mom will have a bunch of test run to only find out that it's nothing.

HB said...

**hugs** and cye in a few.