By the way, I want to apologize...

for all of you bloggers out there that I've been neglecting. I haven't read some of your blogs in like 2 weeks because I've been so busy with work, etc. I read all of my blogs in Bloglines, so I don't click on your blog link and now I have like 10 entries to read on all of your blogs. Of course, this means that it's at a point where it'll take me an entire day to get through all of them, so I guess I'll have to pick one of you at a time and try to catch up. LOL!

I'll get there soon. Promise. :)

Forgive me Father...

...for I have sinned. Two days ago I did something that goes against everything that I believe is true and right in the world. I did something that makes me re-evaluate my priorities and question my values.

What did I do that was so bad? Ugh. I'm embarrassed to even admit it, but I finally took the plunge and joined a gym. [sigh] This is NOT me. Those of you that have known me awhile or whom have met me in real life will realize how out of character this is for me, and how this is something I have trouble even admitting to people. The humiliation is simply overwhelming. But it had to be done. It really, really did.

So I did it. And as if paying someone in order to do physical activity isn't enough of a shame factor in my life, I joined an all-girls gym. (Seriously. Shoot me now. [sigh] )

But it seemed like the best idea. They offer the whole "express" 30-minute workout (which is all I have time for most days), and they have a seperate room where you can jump on machines and do whatever you want for however long you want to. And they offer some classes which sound kind of hilarious (belly dancing aerobics and salsa dancing aerobics to name two) that I can totally see myself checking out sometime (if for no other reason than having something funny to blog about.)

So I spent all morning psyching myself up. Telling myself it would be fun and that I wouldn't fall off a machine in front of 20 people... or pass out because my nicotene-filled lungs couldn't handle the shock. As I was getting ready to leave the house, Steve ran around yelling, "WOOHOO! You GO, girl! Work it!" And then he handed me one of the girls' purple terrycloth wristbands and dared me to wear that and a headband... One friend emailed me a link to Drew Barrymore's SNL skit where she's doing some sort of hilarious aerobics video wearing flourescent tiger-striped tiger pants... Another friend made a comment about "stomping out my cig" right outside the gym door... Steve said that he could totally picture me on a treadmill, with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other... My mom asked me what the hell was wrong with me that I'd do something that is so against my principles... So it was nice starting out with so much support and encouragement in my life. ;)

So anyway, I went and I joined. They showed me how to use all of the machines in the circuit and I managed not to make a complete fool of myself. However, the owner/trainer either doesn't "get" my humor, or doesn't get humor in general. Because everytime I made a joke or sarcastic remark poking fun at myself, she just stared at me blankly, like I was insane. Not even a glimpse of a smile came through. [sigh] Oh well.

I went back again yesterday, and after I post this, I'll be heading there for the third day in a row. It really isn't quite as bad as I expected it to be, and I'm hoping I can stick it out. However, if you're in my neck of the woods, don't bother trying to find athletic pants, plain T-shirts, sports bras, or gym socks because I've depleted the supply in most of the stores. You'll have to wait until they restock.

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My SIL is a jackass. She called me yesterday to tell me that her son (our nephew) is having a birthday party at McDonald's THIS Saturday at 6:00. Yup. Three days notice. Thanks ya freakin' loser. I already have plans actually, and while Steve takes the girls to the disgusting playplace with crappy food, I'll be at my girlfriend's house, enjoying the company of 21 other women, passing around dildos and vibrators at a Horns and Halos party. WOOHOO! I'm pissed though, because originally, the girls were supposed to sleep over at my mom's that night, allowing me to enjoy my evening out without worrying about Steve trying to get the girls to bed and about him not falling asleep before they do (which is highly likely). But now (because my SIL is an asshole with no manners or common sense enough to tell people ahead of time about things like parties), I'll probably come home to find two hyped up girls jumping around and trashing the house while Daddy snores in the recliner. Son of a bitch...

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Grace is a little hussy. She's been coming home for a week now, telling me about her "boyfriend", Zachary. She said (and I quote), "He told me he actually loves me. So now, instead of breaking up, we're going out." Oh my god! Going out!?!? Kindergarteners know what "going out" is? What the HELL?

And then, the next day, she came home and said she really wasn't sure what to do. Apparently, she also likes Jordan and she really isn't sure which one should be her boyfriend. She pondered this quietly to herself and then said, "Ya know what? I can't pick. I'll just have two boyfriends." I didn't know whether to give her a "You GO, girl!" or explain the moral wrongness of stringing along two handsome men. LOL!

OK guys... off to the gym. [sigh]

So I have a fairly long new post half typed out...

but right now, I have no time to finish it since I am desperately trying to fit as much work in as possible in the next 20 minutes before my children arrive home from school. But here's a little list of some things you'll be reading about later tonight:

• I joined a gym yesterday and feel like a big fucking dork.
• I seriously, seriously want to throttle my sister-in-law (which has nothing to do with the whole gym rivalry thing I've created in my head).
• Grace is a hussy.

Good stuff, lemme tell ya... [sigh]

Free Husband to Good Home...

So... would anyone like to take Steve off my hands for a few days (possibly weeks)? He's not even technially doing anything wrong per se, but I'm afraid I've overdosed on his company these days. He's not working right now (too cold), which is typical at this time of year. And that's all fine and dandy. But see, technical writers can, for the most part, write at all times, regardless of the outside temperature. That means that I, unlike Steve, do have work.

Now let's also take into consideration the fact that although Grace goes to school 5 days a week, Hannah only goes 3. And if we throw in recent illnesses and inclement weather, that number drops to about 1 or 2 days a week. The number of days both children are gone is directly related to how many days I can get a significant amount of work done for my paying job, which really does (contrary to popular belief) require at least some concentration.

So my dear Steve, I love ya and all, but the fact that you've been here on my "working days", blaring the TV (I swear to god, he's half deaf), blasting the radio, and vacuuming around me is... well... IT'S DRIVING ME FUCKING INSANE!!!!!!!!

So, for the love of all things holy, go away. Go visit your dad... Go visit your mom... Go visit a strip club or a whore house for all I care. Pick one of your numerous hobbies and go do it. Walk down to the garage and pretend you like working on your trucks or something. ANYTHING! Just GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!

(And now back to our regularly scheduled programming....)

Holy crap!

I didn't realize it had been so long since I blogged. I really do suck, don't I? LOL!

Hmmm... what's happened since last week...

* We finally watched "Deliverance" (that my brother bought for Steve for Christmas... long story). I really didn't remember much of it and Steve never saw it. It was actually better than I remember and Steve really liked it too.

* Had to take Hannah to the medical center on Saturday because she kept running high fevers and complaining of a headache. Both ears were beginning to get infected and so was her throat, so she's on antibiotics.

* Steve started getting achy and having a sore throat two days later. So riddle me this... how come when a MAN gets sick, he can lie around for 3 days on the couch while his wife does everything, rents him movies, etc., but when a WOMAN gets sick, she is still required to function and do her normal daily things? Huh? Huh?

* I'm about done with the people in my family. For various reasons, we've ALL been here in the house for way, way, WAY too many days in a row, and that really must come to an end before I hurt myself (or someone else).

* We rented and watched "Saw 3" the other night. It kicked ASS baby!

* I still haven't joined the gym (trying to decide which one to join), but I did buy a pair of sneakers for the first time in 5 years (literally). Granted I haven't even taken them out of the box yet, but baby steps, people... baby steps.

* I've decided that Hannah is the most dramatic child I've ever met in my life and if she continues to act that way as she grows up, I may just disown her and pretend I have no idea who she is.

* Um, other than that, not much has happened. See? This is why I don't blog everyday... my life is pretty damn boring. LOL!

Grace Lost Another Tooth...

Well, okay... technically she yanked the dang thing out yesterday at school in the cafeteria after lunch. LOL!

She looks so freakin' cute! She lost the other top front one a few weeks ago and that one is already halfway in (on the left side in the picture). I can't believe how old she's getting. [sigh]



I'll blog some more later. Hannah's home today because we're supposed to get snow squalls on and off today and it wasn't worth throwing her in a car to go to daycare, and Steve's home working on our upstairs bathroom. He half-gutted the damn room the other day even though we're doing a complete remodel on it next year. [sigh] That man gives me a headache. LOL!

Rock on with your bad self, Hannah...

Rock ON!



(And that's all I have to say for today. I'll have a "real" post tomorrow. :)

Have at it...

I've narrowed down the suggestions for the bear's name. (I also had submissions on some other online message boards and such.) Have at it...



And Tink, I asked the taxidermist the exact same question about cleaning it. He said that the base (leaves, sticks, etc.) shouldn't be an issue. I can vacuum the bear and/or rub it with a damp cloth (with or without a little bit of mild soap or shampoo). LMAO! Oh, and Q-tips will shine his glass eyeballs right up. ;)

Emma: Yes, that's a framed collage of pictures of the day Steve shot the bear. Kappy made it for me last year and I had it printed and framed for Steve for Christmas. LOL! It's going to be hung on the wall behind the bear now. (It was on another wall before the actual bear arrived.) We just haven't had a chance to hang it up yet. :)

Lions and Tigers and BEARS! Oh my!

OK. So there aren't really lions and tigers. But there's definitely a bear. And she's in my living room, currently about 5 feet from where I type this. Steve's mount arrived today. I admit that for the past year, I wasn't too keen on a completely lifesize bear in my living room. But I went with Steve to the taxidermist today to pick it up and immediately fell in love. For real. I LOVE the damn thing. [sigh]

The taxidermist is a young guy, about our age, whose wife helps him. The man is truly gifted and he's one of those people that you can tell after talking to him for 5 minutes, that he truly, truly loves his work, is inspired by it, and basically lives for it. The mount is stunning.

Now had I walked into his shop and seen the bear standing on its hind legs, claws out and fangs showing, I wouldn't have liked it very much. But instead, I saw a nature scene... a bear with her hind legs on the ground and her front paws on a rock, looking up with curiosity at a beehive hanging from a branch of a tree. It's almost peaceful really.

So she's now in our living room and the ol' girl needs a name. That's right. I said a name. I've become attached to her since this afternoon, and I feel bad calling her "the bear." I was jokingly calling her Smokey for a bit, since that's the only famous bear I could think of, but then I remembered that ours is a girl. So she needs a nice girl name. Something that isn't gay. Honest to god, I like her better than my real pets right now, so I want to give her name I truly like. LOL!

So here's the deal. I'm going to post some pictures now and you're all going to suggest some names for her. Then I'm going to write 'em all down (possibly narrow them down depending on how many suggestions there are) and post a poll tomorrow. Then everyone will vote and that's what her name will be. :) Deal?

So here are the pictures. I actually realized after downloading these off my camera that I didn't get a good angle. I'll take some more tomorrow, but these should be inspiration enough to start thinking of some names. Don't forget... it's a girl! :)

Editing to add: Sorry the pics are so big. I'll fix 'em tomorrow. I'm too tired to do it right now.

Recap of My Day

So I wake Hannah up for daycare. The child (like her mother) does NOT like to be woken up in the mornings. Unfortunately, I can't dump coffee down her throat (like her mother does to wake up), so three days a week, the first 45 minutes of my morning are a battle. So anyway, my mom gets here to pick her up (my mom works at the daycare, so she comes and gets her) and now it's time to get Grace ready for school.

So all is going well until we start battling about her coat and hat. She would prefer to wear neither. It's 40 effing degrees here. She's wearing the damn things. So I finally get her all zipped up and we're ready to head outside to wait for the bus. It's 7:40 and the bus normally arrives around 7:45. So we're still in the house and I hear a loud idling noise. I look up and the flippin' bus is HERE already (and kindly waiting at the end of our driveway to see if anyone's coming out). SHIT! I swear, it was like a scene from Forrest Gump. I whip open the door, push Grace outside and yell, "Run, Gracie! RUN!" [sigh] So she gets on the bus and off she goes.

Now the fun begins. I do the usual morning things... chug more coffee, check my email, message boards, and blogs, etc. Steve's puttering around (he didn't work today), and I'm mentally willing him to just get the hell out of the house so I can be slow and lazy and not get dirty looks for it.

He finally heads outside to play on the damn skidloader, building a damn "road" down a very steep embankment in our backyard to some damn old springhouse on the side of the damn hill. Now WHAT this road is for, is beyond me. And let's not discuss that he was in danger of toppling down the hill at any moment OR that we have a sunroom that still needs to be gutted a redone, a bungalow in our backyard that IS gutted and is awaiting more work so Steve can start working out again over there, and no heat in one room of our upstairs because it still needs to be hooked up. Whatever dude. You're out of the house, so I'm happy.

So I decided that today was the day. The day that I finally put our 9-year-old Gateway PC out to pasture. Since acquiring this laptop back in May, the ONLY thing I used the old PC for was for Steve's business stuff and to print things. The thing was so damn slow that I could literally double-click on a shortcut icon, walk away and empty the dishwasher, and then come back just in time to have the program actually open.

The problem was that before unplugging the thing for good, I had to transfer all of Steve's business stuff to my laptop. This means I needed to find the installation discs for QuickBooks, which is the program we use for Steve's stuff. Shit. I hadn't seen the damn things since we bought them back in 1998.

So I head up into our attic (what I call "Critter Country") to start digging through boxes and bags. So there I was, in the cold, dark attic, digging through dusty boxes with a damn flashlight (the light doesn't work up there), looking for the disks, all the while praying nothing would run across my feet or jump out of a box at me. The disks weren't there. I did spot my very first diary from when I was probably 8 or 9, and some other odd things I didn't even know we owned, but no QuickBooks disks.

After being up there a damn HOUR, in a last ditch effort, I decided to check the cabinets in our upstairs kitchen. (Background: When we bought the house, it was divided into two seperate living spaces... one upstairs and one downstairs. We rented the upstairs to my brother for a year or two, and when he moved out, we converted it back into one house. The "kitchen" upstairs actually became more of a storage and laundry room for us.) So anyway, after all of the damn searching in the attic while fearing for my life (hey... mice can have rabies ya know...), I find the QuickBooks discs, in their original box, nestled safely in the corner of one of the kitchen cabinets. Shit.

So I finally start installing it on my laptop and all goes well from what I can tell. But I won't know for sure until I actually try to open Steve's company file. Of course, that particular file still needs to be transferred from the old PC. Did I mention that the PC was bought before computers came with CD burning capabilities? And the the floppy drive on it fried years ago? [sigh]

So I have to email the file to myself and then download it onto the laptop. Okee dokee. So I fire the beast up, switch all the damn wires that are necessary to have it connected to the Internet, and email the files to myself. Done.

But when I switch the wires back and go back to the laptop, I've suddenly lost my Internet connection. SHIT! So after trying everything, I call tech support. The woman there was wonderful and it took us (literally) a damn hour, but we finally got everything running smoothly again. (We still don't know what was wrong, but I don't really care frankly, now that it's fixed.) So anyway, I get everything working, kiss the ol' Gateway goodbye, and get the damn thing off of my computer desk, out of my living room, and onto the floor of the kitchen, ready to be given to my BIL and SIL. They don't own a computer, never have, and probably don't even know how to turn one on, so they'll have NO idea that it's actually a real piece of shit and slow as all hell. LOL!

I hook up the new printer/scanner/fax machine/copier that I bought yesterday, and I am golden baby! WOOHOO! It only took ALL DAY LONG. Dear lord...

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In other news, I've decided to join the gym down the street. [sigh] I know. I know. Some of you are probably angered and annoyed by this. I know that when one of my lazy, unhealthy friends that smokes and drinks like I do suddenly decides to "change her life" and get all healthy, it pisses me off. I think, "Bitch! We're supposed to be a team, dammit." But let me explain...

I've been wanting to get in better shape and get a little healthier (note on "a little"). Not for any health benefits or anything so noble. Nope. It's because I've always wanted a belly button ring. And right now, sporting some bling on my leftover baby roll would be well... not that attractive.

Now that in and of itself probably wouldn't have been enough to actually make me do anything about it, but it has crossed my mind a few times recently. No... the real reason is totally more "Allison."

Last night, Steve was at his mom's for a bit and came home and told me how, "My mom said Jen hits the gym a few times a week now and then works out at home. She said she's starting to look really good." Jen is my SIL. The one I used to despise with every ounce of my being... The one I now like (for the most part), but that always wears khaki bottoms and solid colored tops... The one that has the same sweater as me, but in a different color (thanks to the mother-in-law and Christmas)... The one that totally paints her eyebrows on, and in a way that makes her look like she uses a melted crayon and stencils taped on her forehead (I don't think I ever talked about that here. Remind me to take inconspicuous photos at the next family gathering.)... The one, that since the time we met, was always fiercely competitive with me and was constantly trying to "one up" me with everything in our lives... cars, marriage (they weren't going to get married until Steve proposed... then they were engaged 1 month later), children (they weren't going to have kids, but then suddenly changed their minds and got pregnant 4 months into my pregnancy with Grace), and all sorts of other stuff.

Now the competitiveness seems to have died down (if not died completely), but I can't help but to keep it in the back of my mind. She has ALWAYS been either slightly bigger than me or possibly close to my exact size. But she's never, ever, ever been smaller. And this, my friends, is where my sudden desire to join the gym comes in. I cannot let her look better than me. I can't. I know it's petty. I know it's catty. I know it's downright ridiculous. But it can't happen. Other women out there will understand, I'm sure. You could tell me any other woman on the face of the planet was smaller than me/in better shape/looked better/was hitting the gym/etc. and I wouldn't give a rat's ass. But not her. It can't be her. Must... start... working... out...

So there you have it. I've admitted it. So starting next week (or maybe the week after... LOL!), I'm going to drive down the street, pay my $25 for a monthly membership, and I, Allison L., am going to start pumping iron and running my fat little ass off on those treadmills that always remind me of hamster wheels. Shit. I think I hate her again. Look at what she's making me DO, dammit! [sigh]

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So I guess I've rambled on long enough tonight. Maybe if I have to go to Jen's house this weekend to hook up their new hunk of shit computer, I can casually suggest documenting the occasion with photos, and I'll snap one of her comma-shaped eyebrows. Do you think she'll catch on?....

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Editing to add that I forgot to tell you that my two children devoured some bear chops tonight. As in chops that literally came from a bear. Now this, in and of itself, wouldn't bother me too much. I mean, we eat cows... we eat chickens... why not bears. But dudes, it came from the bear that in a few short days (or so we've been told) will be SITTING IN MY LIVING ROOM!!!! There is just something seriously disturbing about that... "Hey Little Smokey, it's nice to have you as a member of our family. Last week, my husband and children ate your fleshy innards." Nice. Real fucking nice. I took one bite, had the above thought, and ate mac and cheese.

A few pics...

...Because it's very, very late and I'm very, very tired, and I just can't be witty right now. ;)

So I left the living room for 3 seconds today and walked back in to find this...



Such concentration on her face, no? I'm checking the history, and if she was checking out porn, she's in a lot of trouble...

Here are two more of Hannah. Obviously, she dressed herself today. LOL!



Don't let that cute face fool you. She may be cute, but she's still the spawn of the devil...

I'd post some of Grace, but I suck and didn't get any decent ones of her the past few days. So um, goodnight. LOL!

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Oh, but before I go, I'd like to add that during my weight loss these past few weeks, apparently ALL 10 lbs. came out of my boobs. I thought they were smaller, but it was confirmed when I made a half-joke to Steve last night and said, "I think when I lost weight, my boobs got smaller."

His response?... He said, "Yeah. I know," in a totally serious voice and then went back to watching Animal Planet. Sweet dude. I'm glad to hear you're still looking at my tits. ;)

So here's a question for ya...

How old (or young) do I look in these pictures? (FYI, my hair's in a ponytail in the back. I did not shove all of it up under the hat. LOL!)

Because the woman at the grocery store apparently thinks I haven't graduated from high school yet. LOL! She carded me when I tried to buy cigarettes yesterday. I laughed when she asked me for ID. Certainly I showed it to her, and I don't think any 33-year-old is going to complain about getting carded (and neither am I). But I found it highly amusing.

And in typical Allison fashion, instead of just showing her my ID, getting my cigarettes, and getting out of there, I felt the need to explain that I was wearing the hat because I hadn't yet showered that day. WHY would you tell someone that? [shaking head] LOL! She was laughing and said she didn't see any wrinkles so she thought she'd card me to be safe. I said something along the lines of, "Oh, there are wrinkles there." She said (while laughing), "Well apparently not when you don't shower." Snort! Dear god. I swear to god, if I had a brain-to-mouth filter, the world would be a much better place for everyone (although maybe not as funny). LOL!

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So this morning I christened my new smoothie maker. I'm trying to eat healthier, and well, I eat absolutely, positively NO fruits or vegetables. I just can't bring myself to do it. Ick. However, I LOVE fruit smoothies. So when I was at Big Lots the other day and saw a smoothie maker for $20, I couldn't pass it up. So this morning I made a big pitcher of strawberry banana smoothies and oh... my... god... They're fucking DELICIOUS!!! Mmmmm... See? I can eat healthy too if I try. :)

(We won't mention that I had a big bowl of disgusting, sodium-filled Ramen for lunch, OK?)

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I'm kind of at a standstill with my organization of the house. The next rooms to do are the bedrooms and the playroom and I just can't bring myself to start on them. The four rooms are going to take me weeks my friends. And frankly, as I go through things, I honest to god, have no where to put or take the things I don't want anymore. So I've decided to wait until next week to tackle those projects. That means today's my goof off day. Both girls are at school, so I've been playing around all day. I guess I should at least dust or something and I NEED to put away the 8 flippin' loads of clean laundry that are sitting upstairs, but that's all I'm doing dammit. And I don't care what you say. You can't make me be productive. :P

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OK gang... off to screw around some more. Have a rockin' weekend!

MP3 Player Meme

I flippin' LOVE this meme! :) I'm going to add some commentaries after mine because, well, some of them warrent it. LOL!

Rules:
Open your library.
Put it on shuffle.
Press play.
Type the song that is playing for every question.
Press the button again when you get to a new question.
Do not lie and try to pretend that you are cool.

Opening Credits: "Sugar, We're Going Down" by Fallout Boy
Waking Up: "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter (That doesn't sound very promising, does it? LOL!)
First Day of School: "High School Never Ends" by Bowling for Soup (I swear to god I didn't cheat. LOL! Have you ever listened to the words of this song? Dear god, it is soooo freakin' true.)
Falling in Love: "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree" by KT Tunstall (Well, if I'm gonna fall in love, it may as well be with a horse, right?)
Fight Songs: "Hips Don't Lie" by Shakira
Breaking Up: "What's Left of Me" by Nick Lachey
Prom: "I Can't Hate You Anymore" by Nick Lachey (For the record, I don't hate any of my old prom dates. LOL!)
Life: "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol
Mental Breakdown: "Waiting on the World To Change" by John Mayer
Driving: "You Can Call Me Al" by Paul Simon
Flashback: "What Hurts the Most" by Rascall Flatts
Wedding: "Save Me" by Nickelback (LMAO! Dear god, if I had only known then what I know now.)
Birth of a Child: "Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls
Final Battle: "How to Save a Life" by The Fray (Well, it's nice to know that during my final battle, I'm still worried about saving someone's life.)
Death Scene: "Lips of an Angel" by Hinder (Well, I guess if I'm dying, it's nice to know I'll be seeing angels.)
Funeral Song: "Dance, Dance" by Fallout Boy (Woohoo! Party at Allison's funeral! Rock on!)
End Credits: "I Write Sins Not Tragedies" by Panic! at the Disco (See? Sins are fun. I keep telling everyone that...)

A few random thoughts...

* I'm kicking ass with my new year's resolutions to get organized around here. My entire kitchen is now organized, as is my computer desk and the entire bathroom and all it's once-trashed shelves. I'm not sure yet what tomorrow's project is, but I'm on a roll now and I'm afraid to break it.

* I'm down 10 lbs. in the last month. Now albeit, it had NOTHING to do with me working at it and EVERYTHING to do with the damn illnesses that were running rampant in the home, but still. When you have a sinus infection that doesn't allow you to breathe let alone taste anything, and your body has 85 lbs. of extra mucus in it, the last thing you feel like doing is eating. Throw in a stomach bug and it's an instant diet. WOOHOO!

* Is anyone else disturbed that after just 3 short weeks of "extensive training," LaToya Jackson has become an official police officer? God bless the citizens of that town, lemme tell ya.

* The little midget dude from Jackass is actually a fairly normal guy and seems rather calm and nice when he's not doing stupid stunts on that stupid, mindless show that I hate (Jackass, that is).

* I finally admitted to people tonight that I hate the show "Myth Busters." Frankly, I don't give a rat's ass about 95% of the "myths" they're busting.

* We got our first snow of the year today. It flurried for a whopping total of about 8 minutes before the sun came out and melted it in just 6. I'm not complaining. Is it spring yet?

* I was contemplating my 2006 today and the one phrase that I would use to describe it is, "Drama Overload." I'm so done with drama. I vow, here and now, to avoid all drama in my life this year. You wanna cheat on your spouse? Knock yourself out. You wanna talk bad about me behind my back and say nasty things? Rock on with your bad self. You wanna rob a bank? Go right ahead... just don't mention my name when you're arrested. Life is short and for the most part, mine is good, so I'm going to live this year in my own little happy world. :)

* I have discovered new chocolate-covered Cinnamon Altoids. Oh... my... fucking... god... I was addicted to regular Altoids before this (like literally addicted... I eat between 1 and 1.5 tins a day). And now these new ones have made it even worse. It's like giving a drug addict one pill that will allow him to get stoned, trip on acid, and sail along on a crack high all at once.

* I pondered today whether school bus drivers become school bus drivers because they really love kids or because they really love to drive busses. Hmmm...

OK. That's enough for today. I'm outta here, gang. Have a good night, my friends....

She's alive.....

Yeah. That's me. I'm alive. Dear god, what a start to 2007. It all began on New Year's Eve, 30 minutes before I was going to shuttle the girls to my mom's for the night. Steve and I didn't have any plans, but it's nice to get kid-free evenings. So it's 5:30 and Hannah hurls all over herself and the recliner. I crossed my fingers and hoped that the antibiotic she had taken that day had upset her stomach. But no. Ten minutes later, more vomit all over the floor. Fuck.

So Steve threw Grace in the car and took her to my mom's in our feeble attempt to avoid her getting it. Then he went to my sister and BIL's house for hours to avoid the New Year's Eve Vomit Fest (he hates throwing up... LOL!).

So I rang in the New Year cleaning up my three-year-old's puke.

Anyway, fast forward two days. Hannah's on the road to recovery and at 10:00 that night, Steve starts yakking his guts out. Grace joined him at midnight. And then, after being up all night with other vomiting people, I joined in on the fun around 8:00 that morning. [sigh] The four of us slept in the living room on and off all day and everyone had to fend for themselves. You want a drink? Go get it. You want food? Yeah, go get some crackers out of the pantry and leave me alone. LOL! Ugh.

So anyway, we're all okee-dokee now. Hopefully, we're done with that kind of stuff at least for the next few months. It was hell and not the way I wanted to start 2007. LOL!

Other than that, I've been busy packing up the Christmas stuff and working on my New Year's resolution of organizing this damn house. It's slow going, but I'm making a little progress here and there. One drawer at a time, baby... one drawer at a time...

So anyway, that's where I've been. Hopefully, things are calmed down now and I can blog everyday again. I missed y'all. :)

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This weekend was unseasonably warm. I'm talking like 20 degress above average. Normally, we have at least a foot of snow on the ground at this time of year, but on Saturday, the girls and I were outside having a picnic and wearing just hoodies. Sah-WEET! So with that, I leave you with some pictures of my gorgeous girls. Looking at these, it's hard to believe they can drive me so fucking insane sometimes. LOL!

Mishmash...

More random thoughts, just because so much has been going on...

I finally succumbed and went to the medical center today to get checked out. I hate doctors and I hate pumping myself full of drugs, so I was avoiding it. But Hannah's sick now too and I had to take her there anyway, so I figured, I'd get myself checked out too. I was tired of not being able to breathe, smell, sleep, taste, etc. Done. So we went, and as I suspected, I had a killer sinus infection. Hannah's hasn't reached that point yet, but her one ear was starting to look red, so they gave us both antibiotics.

Lemme tell you... I popped one of those damn pills the second I had paid for 'em. Must... breathe... again...

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Our friend called around 4:30 and said her, her husband, and their two sons wanted to stop by the house tonight to check out the girls new gifts and visit. I explained Hannah and I were sick and said that it was their choice if they wanted to chance entering Germville or not.

I hung up and then had a marathon cleaning session to get the house looking and smelling somewhat presentable.

They did show up. At 7:45. Twenty minutes before I was going to try to get the girls to bed. [sigh] And this is the girl that NEVER leaves the house once she's here.... The one that calls to invite herself over for a playdate and then stays through dinner and goes home around 9:00. [double sigh]

They left around 9:00 after Hannah was visibly exhausted and ready to crash and her older son had started standing on the BACK of the couch. G'night my friends...

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I keep forgetting to mention this...

So, the sister-in-law that I sort of make fun of that ALWAYS wears khakis and plain colored shirts? Yeah. So my mother-in-law went shopping with her on Black Friday and my mother-in-law told me that she had told SIL to pick a sweater out for Christmas. (SIL is pretty picky (and snobby) about her clothing, so MIL is always hesitant to buy her things.) MIL goes on to say that SIL finds a sweater in the store and says, "I really like this one. How about this?" Well, it turns out that my MIL had bought me the EXACT same sweater for Christmas the week before, but in a different color. Oy. I have mixed feelings about this. It's a very nice sweater. It really is. Classic... brown... comfy. But dear lord, the girl I make fun of for her clothing hand-picked the same damn sweater out of an entire store filled with sweaters. Shit. LOL! (I'm also a little annoyed because I liked the color my SIL got more. LOL!)

So y'all realize that I can never wear that sweater to any event or gathering where my SIL may also be. What if she would decide to wear hers that night? I mean, how queer would that be to show up in matching sweaters? LOL! Ugh. If I start wearing khaki pants everywhere I go, someone shoot me, OK?

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I'm sick of crafts. Kid crafts I mean. Grace seriously got every damn craft set available in stores for Christmas. That's a good thing. She loves anything crafty or artsy. Cutting, gluing, drawing, coloring, painting, etc. She's in her element when she's doing that shit. But um, Mommy's had craft overload. She can do most of the stuff by herself for the most part. But there's always at least 2 or 3 steps that she needs help with. Which is fine. But when I'm in the middle of trying to reclaim my home from all the damn toys and Christmas decorations, it's also kind of inconvenient. And if I have to wipe up one more glob of glue, paint, glitter, or that damn effing sand, I may lose it. LOL!

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And on that note...

Gerald Ford.... R.I.P.
James Brown.... R.I.P.
Saddam Hussein... Burn in hell you mother fucker.

G'night. :)

Open Letter....

Dear Mother-in-Law (AKA, "Shrub Shitter"),

Although we all appreciate your kindness in buying my children very nice presents for Christmas, you really could've held off on the sand art kit. See, trying to get a three-year-old and a five-year-old to dump colored sand out of tiny little baggies and into tiny little bottles using a tiny little funnel is no easy task. I must say that Grace loves it and she does pretty well with it. Hannah, on the other hand, is another story. See, she sees nothing wrong with recreating a sandbox on our table. Frankly, fine, hot pink grains of sand is not something I want all over my house.

So um, next time, when I tell you before a gift-giving occasion NOT to buy anything involving sand or hundreds of small beads, could you, um listen? For the love of god, I would've preferred the beads.

Thanks.
Love,
Allison

So...

It's almost 11:00 here and I'm not quite tired enough to go to bed yet, and I have nothing else to do, so I'm just going to ramble.

Wanna see some of the stuff I made for people for Christmas? OK. Probably not. LOL! But I'm gonna show you anyway. ;)

Here are the ornaments I made for everyone. They weren't that hard to do. The wood was precut into the shapes. I just printed out some digital scrapbooking stuff I did and then used ModPodge (like decoupage glue) to put them on the shapes. Sand all of the edges, add some twisted wire and a bow or two, and you're done. (The two boys on the mitten shapes are my two nephews. I figured my SIL would rather have pictures of her own kids on her ornaments than mine. LOL!)

Here are the CD calendars I made for a few people. And this wasn't my idea at all. It's a pretty common thing among digital scrapbookers. I just scrapped a page for each month of the year. Then you take a regular plastic jewel case for a CD, snap it backwards, and use it like an easel to hold each month's page. (One is in the "easel" in thefirst picture (upper left-hand corner).) My sister, my dad, my FIL, and my MIL all got one for their desks.

I also made my sister this cool tray/wall hanging thing using pictures of her two dogs (which are her "kids"). I do have some pictures of it, but they're on my other computer (which isn't turned on right now), so you'll have to wait until tomorrow to see those. I made her a cool clipboard/picture frame too, but I forgot to take a picture of it before I wrapped it, so you'll just have to go through life never seeing it, which I'm sure is devastating for some of you. ;)

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So other than that stuff, let's see what else is new:

**I still can't fucking breathe (because of the abundance of snot), which is getting kind of old.

** I got a new digital camera from my mom for Christmas, which has me all sorts of giddy. :)

** My mom and I took the girls to see "Charlotte's Web" today. Highly recommend it! Really cute and I'm not ashamed (OK... maybe a little) to admit that I got a little teary at the end when a certain main character kicked the bucket after giving birth to her 500+ babies.

** Steve is (finally) starting not to feel so well and has hinted that if he's still feeling like shit tomorrow, he won't be going to work OR hunting. Shit. [sigh]

** Twenty bucks says that if he does stay home, he'll lie around all day, watching movies and not doing anything. That's not a problem with me at all, but it would be nice if, for once, he'd acknowledge that I've felt like shit for over a week now and still managed to get everything ready for Christmas, including buying and wrapping presents, making presents, taking the girls to various Christmas-related events, and preparing food for 20+ people, all while also taking care of our two children. Seriously... when the hell does mom get to be sick and just stay in bed all day, dammit. [grumble grumble]

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TOYS I WOULDN'T RECOMMEND TO MY WORST ENEMY

(OK... so maybe to my worst enemy... but not to the rest...)

1. Baby Alive: This doll eats baby food, drinks out of her bottle, and then shits herself. Sounds cute, right? Um, no. It sucks. It wouldn't have been bad had the stupid little shit not had a big ol' diaper blowout, causing me to have to clean green "baby poop" off of her back, her legs, her hair, and her dress. Seriously, I felt like I had a damn newborn in the house again. What was really kind of disturbing is that the stupid thing talks too, and the entire time I was cleaning her up, she kept saying, "Let's play! Can we play, Mommy?" I was actually answering her by yelling, "NO! Shut the heck up! I'm cleaning the crap off of you right now!!!!" I think I may have scared my kids.

2. Barbie Dance with Me dance Mat/DVD: OK. So in theory, this one is cute. Hannah loves it, and it really is adorable to watch her in her little bodysuit, sheer skirt, and ballet shoes watching the TV and trying to dance like a ballerina. But the damn song is stuck in my head... And I can't get it out... And that annoys me.

3. The Fisher Price Karaoke Machine Thingamajiggy: Cute, again in theory. But my young children don't know ANY of the cool songs that come with the system, and ONLY know the "Who Let the Dogs Out" song. Cute to watch the first time they sing it, while watching themselves on TV, but now, in my brain, the Barbie ballet song and "Who Let the Dogs Out" song are raging a fierce battle and neither one will get out of my fucking head.

TOYS I WOULD RECOMMEND TO ANYONE:

1. Fisher Price "Read with Me DVD" Sytem: This thing is pretty cool. You pop in a DVD and a story (complete with words) is displayed on the screen and read out loud. It comes with a kid's controller with buttons on it, that allows them to play games on the TV screen after every few "pages" of the story. Cute stuff.

2. GameBoy: Keeps the kids quiet for hours. Good shit, I tell ya.

3. LeapPad Learning System: Again, keeps kids quiet for way longer than I'm used to. However, when buying one, you should probably just buy one for each of your kids so as to avoid the inevitable wars that will break out when more than one child wants to play with it at the same time.

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So my brother bought Grace "The Corpse Bride" DVD for Christmas. This totally cracks me up. He found out a few weeks ago that she had caught "The Nightmare Before Christmas" on TV and LOVED it. So he bought her "The Corpse Bride." It amuses me that any 5-year-old child receives a gift with the word "corpse" in it for Christmas. And yet, I think it's another sign that Grace just totally kicks ass.

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My brother bought Steve and I a "Deliverance" DVD. There's sort of a joke behind it. A few weeks ago, we were all at my sister's house and it came out that Steve never saw it. We were like, "What? It involves incest and banjos... how could you, of all people, not have seen it?" (Steve's dad plays the banjo by the way.) So that day at my sisters, we did a search online to show him the freaky, incest, banjo-playing kid and then when my sister left the room, we set her computer so a picture of the incest dude would flash on her screen every few minutes. It totally cracked us all up. So we open our gifts on Christmas and there it is... a copy of "Deliverance". LOL! We haven't had a chance to watch it yet, but I'm pumped. I only saw it once and it was a long time ago, but I remember really liking it. Of course, this will mean "Dueling Banjos" will be in my head for weeks, but it can compete with Barbie and "Who Let the Dogs Out."

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OK. I could babble for another hour, but I figure this is enough for now. ;)

So how was everyone's Christmas? Ours was great! Well, except for the fact that I still can't flippin' breathe because of my cold/sinus infection/whatever it is I have, and that by 8:00 PM, I was officially done with family, batteries, toys wired to boxes for dear life, and other peoples' kids. ;)

However, now the real work begins. I have NO place to put all of the freakin' crap the kids got for Christmas. Seriously. It's insane. Again, we're blessed that there are so many people in our lives that love our kids. But this is getting ridiculous. Every room of my house is trashed. And I can't put anything away until I get rid of the old stuff that's already here. And it would help if the Christmas crap wasn't still taking up all spare room in the house, but there's no way on god's green earth I'm going to try to un-decorate our monstrosity of a tree and get it out of our house with our kids here and with Steve not here. [sigh]

Help me. For the love of god, help me. LOL!

Merry Christmas from Our Home to Yours...

Grace already got what she wanted. Hopefully you all will too. ;)

Have a wonderful, safe, happy, and non-stressful holiday everyone! :)

~ Allison

Totally random mishmash...

Do you, or anyone you know, use hankies? I ask this because it recently came to my attention that I have several friends whose husbands use them. And these are not old people, my friends. See, I thought only old people used hankies. I find them repulsive. "Hey, let me blow a big ball of green snot into this thin piece of cloth and then wad it up and shove it back into my pocket. And hey, look at this! It's 20 minutes later and I can get it back out and repeat the whole cycle." Ick! Ick! Ick! Words cannot describe how repulsive the whole idea of it is to me. So consider this an informal poll....

Hankies:
1. Disgusting Items for Old People to Use
or
2. Useful Tools for Keeping Your Nose Clean


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Steve went to WalMart 3 days ago and bought both girls a Red Rider BB gun for Christmas. Please keep in mind that my daughters are ages 3 and 5. [sigh] Grace loves to shoot. She's never shot anything more powerful than a BB gun (which, for all intents and purposes, I realize can also be "powerful" in terms of injuries), but she loves it. And she's a damn good shot too. Steve sets her up with "targets" drawn on paper and taped to empty beer boxes. (Can we all say "redneck"?) And she gets pretty damn close to the bulls eye every time. She's been begging for a BB gun for about a month now, and out-of-control hunter, Steve, decided that he would fulfill his daughter's wishes. And of course Hannah needed one too because god forbid if the child has to learn that sometimes her older sister will get things and be able to do things that she just can't yet. [rolling eyes]

Now before anyone goes and gets all anti-gun on me, let me say that I don't really give a shit what you have to say. LOL! I don't like guns, and frankly, they scare the shit out of me. BUT, Steve grew up around guns, is beyond safe with them, the kids are only allowed to shoot under strict supervision of Steve (and again, "only" BB guns), they are more than aware of the damage a gun can do, they know guns aren't toys in any way, shape or form (and in fact, don't own any toy guns), they always wear protective eye gear when shooting, and well... things are just "different" around here. I swear to god, around these parts, kids are hunting 3 weeks after emerging from their mother's womb. (OK... not really, you have to be 12 to hunt here legally, but you get the point...). Steve and I have talked about the whole thing at length and we've decided that we'd rather have the girls exposed to guns at an early age so they know the damage that guns can do. Since Steve grew up always around guns and shooting them so young, he wasn't that fascinated with them. So when his buddies who had never handled a gun before managed to get their hands on one and do stupid things with it and not handle it properly, Steve shrugged it off and walked away because it wasn't such a big thrill.

Our kids will grow up around guns because of Steve's love of hunting. Now they aren't kept in our house and they're under lock and key in another building on our property (as will their BB guns be), but the point is that they're here. So we just feel that teaching them the importance of gun safety and the dangers of guns from the time they can comprehend it, we'll be doing the right thing.

OK... so off my political soapbox now. The main point of this is that my daughters are getting Red Rider BB guns for Christmas and everytime I think about it, I can't help but say, "You'll shoot your eye out, kid!" in my head. LOL!

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I have spent WAY too much time making homemade gifts for people for Christmas, but I think I'm almost done. I'll post some pictures tomorrow, but other than printing out 2 more CD calendars and making envelopes for them, I'm pretty sure I'm done. And that's a good thing because I've about had it up to here with gluing, printing, cutting, drawing, etc. I'm way beyond done mentally with all of the projects and I'm glad it's just about over.

(And yet, at the same time, now that I'm done, I find myself wandering around the house aimlessly, wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do with myself.)

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I'm sick of being sick. My nose is raw from blowing it, I haven't been able to breathe in about 5 days, I can't smell or taste anything, and frankly, it's making me kind of grumpy.

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If Grace asks me one more time how many more days there are until Christmas, I might throttle her. :)

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So anyway, I hope to blog again before Christmas, but if I don't get the chance, I want to wish all of you the happiest Christmas ever. May you all get everything you want, avoid killing any in-laws, get drunk, and come back wit stories. ;)

ABC Meme

I was tagged by Chelle.

The Letter A
Are you agnostic? Ummm... maybe? A little bit?
What is your age? 33
What annoys you? Oh god, lots and lots of stuff. LOL! I'm fairly easily annoyed unfortunately.

The Letter B
Do you like bacon? Hell, yeah!
What is your birthday? May 8th
Who is your best friend? Well, I have lots of wonderful friends, but the ones I tell pretty much everything to are Kim, Melissa, Emily, Allison, Julie, Leslie, Kerri, Tracey, and Jenn

The Letter C
What is your favorite candy? Skittles (the red ones)
Who is your crush? Ooo... Josh Holloway from Lost, Ty Pennington, and the dude on "Men in Trees". Yum!
When was the last time you cried? The other day maybe, but for the life of me, I don't remember why. LOL!

The Letter D
Do you daydream? Sure.
What is your favorite kind of dog? Oh god, most of you know how I feel about pets in general. LOL! But if I HAD to pick I'd pick a New Foundland. Soooo pretty.
What day of the week is it? Tuesday

The Letter E
How do you like your eggs? Over easy (or "dippy" as we call them in these parts).
Have you ever been in the emergency room? Dear god, yes. LOL!
What’s the easiest thing to ever do? Uhhh... eat? Does that count? LOL!

The Letter F
Have you ever flown in a plane? Yes
Do you use fly swatters? If I had one I would. But we don't, so I just use a shoe.
Have you ever used a foghorn? Actually, no.

The Letter G
Do you chew gum? Not often. I'm an Altoids kind of girl.
Are you a giver or taker? Can I be both?

The Letter H
How are you? Ok, other than my kick ass cold I'm nursing.
What’s your height? 5'3"
What color is your hair? Brown with some blondish highlights

The Letter I
What is your favorite ice-cream? Breyer's Cyclone Caramel Tracks
Have you ever ice-skated? Yes
Do you play an instrument? I used to play the flute. I still could if I picked one up, but I don't often do that. LOL!

The Letter J
What is your favorite jelly bean? Cinnamon
Do you wear jewelry? Just my engagement ring and wedding band and white gold hoop earrings
Have you heard a really hilarious joke? Ever? Sure.

The Letter K
Who do you want to kill? All the sick and twisted bastards in the world who take and/or harm children
Do you want kids? Got 'em.
Where did you have kindergarten? Mahoning Elementary School

The Letter L
Are you laid-back? Yes, but not as much as I used to be, unfortunately.
Do you lie? Yes. Daily.
Do you love anyone? Yup.

The Letter M
What is your favorite movie? Oh god, lots... Good Fellas, Casablanca, Dumb and Dumber... The list could go on and on...
Do you still watch Disney movies? Yeah, when the kids do.
Do you like mangos? Nope. They fall into the fruit category, and I avoid them at all costs. LOL!

The Letter N
Do you have a nickname? Yes. Alien is the one used the most though.
What is your favorite number? 2
Do you prefer night or day? Night

The Letter O
What is your one wish? To hit the lottery or somehow come into a buttload of cash. LOL!
Are you an only child? No, I'm the middle child, with an older brother and a younger sister.
Do you wish this year was over? Eh. Whatever. LOL!

The Letter P
What is one fear that you are most paranoid about? My kids getting hurt.
What personality trait would you look for in someone you wanted to date? Funny. HAS to be funny. And social. And realize I'm a total spaz and still love me for it.

The Letter Q
Are you quick to judge people? Oooo... sometimes. But I'm probably slower at it than most people. LOL!

The Letter R
Do you think you are always right? No, but I wish I was.
Do you watch reality T.V.? Oh god yeah... Survivor, The Amazing Race, Apprentice, American Idol, etc. etc.
What is a good reason to cry? Uh, for whatever reason you damn well please, I guess. LOL!

The Letter S
Do you prefer sun or rain? Usually sun.
Do you like snow? Yes, when I'm inside looking out. Otherwise, no.
What is your favorite season? Spring and fall.

The Letter T
What time is it? 8:19 AM
What time did you wake up? 6:30
When was the last time you slept in a tent? Oh god, couldn't tell you. Years and years ago.

The Letter U
Are you wearing underwear? Yes

The Letter V
What is the worst veggie? All of them.
Where do you want to go on vacation? I don't care. I'm pretty easy to please.
What was your last family vacation together? To Amish county in September.

The Letter W
What is your worst habit? Smoking
Where do you live? Northeastern Pennsylvania

The Letter X
Have you ever had an X-ray? Yes.
Have you ever seen the X-Games? Not really.
Do you own a xylophone? No.

The Letter Y
Do you like the color yellow? Eh, it has it's time and place.
What year where you born in? 1973
What do you yearn for most? Financial security

The Letter Z
What is your Zodiac Sign? Taurus
Do you believe in the Zodiac? Eh, not enough to really do anything with it.
What is your favorite zoo animal? Monkeys

Ugh...

Grace and I are getting our asses kicked by a cold. We'll live, I'm sure, but it still sucks. Especially with so much to do this week for Christmas.

I got the brilliant idea to make some of the Christmas gifts I'm giving to people. I'm now regretting that decision since I'm in no mood to do it. But I have no choice because I am officially out of all money until after Christmas. [sigh] Stupid, stupid Allison. LOL!

We have Christmas for my entire family here at our house. That's 12 to 14 people (plus the four of us) that I have to prepare the house and food for. I like having Christmas here, don't get me wrong. But the prep work always kind of sucks. Especially when you feel like shit AND you've decided to be all crafty for people. Shit. LOL!

Yesterday, Steve turned 32. It was a pretty low-key day, but nice.

Yesterday, Grace started begging for a BB gun. What the hell? And no, she didn't watch "A Christmas Story." Steve's friend stopped down with a new pellet gun and asked Steve to sight it in. Grace took a bunch of shots with it and is now obsessed with getting her own gun. [sigh] I'm not sure how I feel about it, but I will say that she is a damn good shot. LOL!

Anyway, I'll be busy this week, but I'll try to pop in with updates and pictures of my oh-so-lovely homemade gifts. (Yeah, right.) LOL!

I'm it.

OK. So I was tagged by both Gracey and Odd Mix for this, so I'm gonna do it. (Not because it takes two people to tag me for something to make me do it... but because the guilt was just getting to me. LOL!)

Six Weird Things About Me...

1. I have weird thumbs. If I hold my hand up flat (like a traffic cop signaling to stop), I can bend my thumb back (without aid of my other hand) so that it's actually horizontal in comparison to the rest of my fingers. If I use my other hand, I can bend it so far back that it points completely down. (I'll post pictures tomorrow since my skills at describing things in words are failing me right now.)

2. Like Odd Mix, fingernails on a blackboard don't affect me at all. But the sounds of anyone chewing, slurping, eating, drinking, etc. their food, literally gives me a chill and I want to hurl. I cannot stand to hear the things going on in other people's mouths.

3. I truly, truly adore my mother-in-law. (That's weird, isn't it? It seems weird based on conversations with friends anyway... LOL!) And really, how can you not love a woman who shits in her sister's neighbor's bushes and gets caught, right?

4. I get great satisfaction from popping zits. Mine... someone else's... it doesn't matter. Seeing those little mini volcanoes erupt make me giddy.

5. I can remember things like birthdays, anniversaries, names, phone numbers, etc. immediately, and if you tell me once I'll never forget it. But even though I was an English major, the second I read the last page of a book, I can't remember a damn thing about the story or who wrote it. I could literally re-read a book halfway through before I realized I had just read it a month ago.

6. I think passing gas is hilarious. I crack up when I do it (even when I'm alone), when other people do it, etc. I think people that are offended by it are just not much fun. What's not to like? The sound alone is hilarious. Throw in some offensive odors and you've got yourself a party in your ass.

I'm just a bloggin' fool today...

So... ramdom thoughts as they come spewing into my half-drunk mind right now...

* No deer. Steve has failed at hunting for the second time in his entire life. LOL! He actually seems OK with it, so here's to hoping that I don't have to hear about it for the next year (or 20).

* Grace was staring intently at me today while we sat on the floor together. I thought she was admiring my beauty. ;) When I finally asked her what she was looking at, she said, "You have a hairy chin, Mom." Uhhh... thanks?

* Hannah heard her and yelled, "Me too! Me too! My chin's hairy too!" (Yeah kid. That's not a good thing, Sweetie.)

* I took the girls to the local strip mall today for a little Christmas/magic show they were having. Hannah volunteered to go up in front of everyone and assist the dude with a magic trick. People this is not Hannah. This is a child who clings to me for dear life when around anyone at all she doesn't know. It was rather surreal actually, and I'm still not sure what the hell the deal was.

* Grace lost her front tooth last night. She's already lost 4 on the bottom, but this is the first one on top. She looks adorable with her little toothless grin (and fits right in in this redneck town).

* Felt my heart swell when she used her tooth fairy money to buy Nana a bouquet of flowers at the grocery store for her birthday that was yesterday. How does a child that wants me to come in and poop in my pants for show-and-tell come up with the idea, all on her own, to buy her Nana some birthday flowers? (And relax people... she thinks she used her tooth fairy money. I have every intention of replacing her cash.)

* So the other night, Steve and I were having a rather civilized conversation about the fact that I don't feel the need or have the desire to reorganize every square inch of our home. (It's the only thing we ever argue about, so the fact that we weren't screaming at each other is huge.) So I finally admitted to him that there are two main reasons I haven't done it. 1) It doesn't bother me nearly as much as it bothers him. And 2) I'm a bitch and part of it has to do with the fact that I'm a bitch and that I like to "spite" him after he makes a comment about it by just not doing it. LOL! He said, "Allison, you are not a bitch. Believe me, the only reason I've stayed with you for 7 years is because of your personality." Um, ok. Sounds sweet at first, no? But then later I translated it to, "Allison, I don't love you for shit. But you're damn funny and my friends dig you, so I've kept you around." LMAO! Sweet.

* I have bought a whopping total of 3 Christmas gifts so far. And I mean TOTAL. As in, one for Hannah and two for Grace. I am sooooo effing screwed this year. I'll probably drop about $300 just for expediated shipping. I suck. [sigh]

* I have a total of $2.00 until Wednesday when I get paid. I smoke and cigarettes are $4.00+ a pack. Shit.

* A car pulled out in front of me today and I flipped off the driver. A few minutes later, I realized it was an old nun. Shit.

* In the grocery store today, I saw an old-as-dirt woman in front of me digging around in her teeth with her finger. I kind of laughed to myself, thinking, "Why do old people always dig their teeth like that." Then, she took her damn teeth out! What the HELL? I shit you not, she pulled an entire upper set of teeth out of her mouth and kept walking with her shopping cart, holding the teeth in her hand. I almost threw up, but managed to hold it in, figuring if I vomited all over aisle 8, I'd be more repulsive than the toothless woman.

* Wanna know what my relationship with Steve is like? So Steve gets home from hunting and at some point, I mention that I've had a raging headache all day long (true story), and even made Steve feel the throbbing vein in my temple. He laughs and says, "And here I was, thinking I'd stay up late and get a little action tonight." I replied (and this is a direct quote my friends), "Well, I can lay there if you want and be the hole you stick it in, but don't expect anything beyond that." LOL! God, I'm the epitome of the opposite of ladylike. LOL! Why do I wonder where Grace gets it from? HELLO! Look in the mirror! LOL! (And if anyone is interested, Steve's response was laughter and, "Oh, that's nice. Thanks for that." LOL!

* I just realized that Steve's birthday is in exactly 8 days. I HATE birthdays around Christmas time. I hope he's not expecting like, a gift or anything. Maybe I can just use the "I'll be the hole you stick it in..." line again and call it a day?

* Mentioned to Steve that my friend (whom shall remain nameless) also celebrates a birthday on that same day. And they were born on the exact same day... as in the same year too. Instead of just letting it go at that, I felt the need to add, "Just think... your mom and her mom could've been pushing you out of their crotches at the exact same moment that day." He laughed, but I could tell the thought of anything involving his mom's crotch wasn't really appreciated. Seriously, I need some sort of brain censor. Something that stops me from saying out loud what's running through my mind. Can one of you buy that for me for Christmas? Because that would be swell. ;)

Uhhhh...

Conversation with Grace today (out of the blue I might add)...

Grace: "Hey Mom, when I grow up and have a baby, will I have to be naked to push it out and born it?"

Me: "Um, yeah."

Grace: "Will the doctors laugh at me because I'm naked?"

Me [chuckling]: "Nah. It's not funny to them anymore because they see that stuff everyday."

Grace [pondering]: "Well..... when did it stop being it funny?"

Me [staring blankly]: "Uhhhh...."

LOL! Seriously. I wish I could live in her head for just one day...

Please pray for Steve...

(Don't worry. Nothing's wrong with him. Don't want to start any sort of panic or anything.)

But see, today is the last day of buck season. It's been two weeks now and today is either do or die. Steve's been up at 3:00 AM every morning for three weeks straight now (the first week was bear hunting season) and wasn't getting home until around 8:30, when he'd immediately pass out on the recliner. He hasn't seen a worthy buck in all those days. He saw a bunch of doe, and although it's legal to shoot doe right now too, Steve has a soft spot for the women-folk and rarely, if ever shoots them. He's also seen two pathetically small buck, one of which wasn't even legal to shoot (it must have 3 points on one side of its antlers to make it legal).

If he doesn't see and shoot one today, this will only be the second year in 20 years that he won't get a buck. His dad and his friend haven't seen or shot one either, which would mean a year without deer jerky. Now I don't care about the lack of jerky, but many others in the family will.

But beyond the meat factor, is the pride thing. To put so much time, effort and energy into something and then end up empty handed would suck, wouldn't it? He claimed last night that he honestly doesn't care and that if he doesn't get one, well, he doesn't get one. I do believe him a little bit. But for the love of god people, I will have to go a full YEAR hearing repeatedly how deer season sucked... and how the deer just aren't around this year... and how so-and-so got one, but so-and-so didn't... and how he's just going to give up hunting (which will NEVER happen by the way)... etc. etc. It's bad enough hearing the same stories over and over about what animals he DID get. I certainly don't want to hear about non-existant deer.

So pray. Pray hard. Pray for him and pray for me. LOL! He has until dark tonight (about 5:00) to see a deer and shoot the little f*cker. SHOOT STEVE! SHOOT!

UPDATE: It's 5:30 PM here and pitch dark. I've received no calls from an excited Steve saying he made a kill. Shit. I am going to hear about this for months people... possibly until next year. [sigh] Would anyone like a roommate for the next year? I don't eat much.

(Disclaimer: If you happen to be one of those people that doesn't agree with hunting, well, sorry. I have no problem with it (if done legally and if the meat is actually eaten). It's a big thing around here and it's Steve's greatest passion. So any (rude) comments posted about how Steve's cruel and we suck will be answered (rudely). Light-hearted jokes about Bambi and all that other stuff are fine. I never liked that movie anyway...)

Thursday Thirteen (12.7.2006)

THIRTEEN SONGS ON MY MP3 PLAYER

OK. So it wasn't supposed to be my MP3 player. It was supposed to be Hannah's. I bought one for each girl at Big Lots yesterday. Grace, I think, will adore hers. I bought one for Hannah mostly so she wouldn't fight for Grace's or break it. But I started buying and downloading songs today to load onto 'em before Christmas and found myself downloading songs that really weren't going to thrill a 3-year-old. So now the sucker is mine. I loaded it up and proceeded to get my groove on, all over the house, singing, dancing, and playing the air guitar, all the while hoping no one could see in my windows. LOL! So um, anyway... onto the Thursday 13.

1. "Son of a Preacher Man" by Dusty Springfield (One of my ALL time favorite songs.)

2. "Build Me Up Buttercup" (Don't tell me you don't belt that song out when you hear it.)

3. "How to Save a Life" by The Fray

4. "Black Horse and a Cherry Tree" by KT Tunstall (I bounce around like a fool when I hear this song.)

5. "I Write Sins Not Tragedy" by Panic at the Disco (I cannot get ENOUGH of this song! But I have to be careful because I keep singing it around the girls and I really don't want them going to school singing, "...closing the goddamn door...")

6. "Lips of an Angel" by Hinder

7. "Hips Don't Lie" by Shakira (I know. I know. I couldn't help it. This song makes me dance and act like a dork.)

8. "Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls (This will ALWAYS be a favorite song of mine. How can you not like it? It reminds me of my days in college, hanging out in the Dell on a blanket with my theatre and musician friends, while they played their guitars and the stupid preps and soccer players gave us weird looks.)

9. "My Wish" by Rascall Flatts (Yeah. Yeah. I listen to country too. So sue me.)

10. "Far Away" by Nickelback

11. "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" by Charlie Daniels (This song always makes me want to learn how to play the fiddle.)

12. "I Loved Her First" by Heartland (I always picture the girls dancing with Steve when I hear this song.)

13. "Savin' Me" by Nickelback

I still have a ton more I want to download... James Taylor, Paul Simon, Blues Traveler, They Might Be Giants, Bush, Barenaked Ladies... Ahhh... the list goes on and on. It's good stuff I tell ya. :)

Catch Up...

In the past two days, I...:

* Made hamburgers out of last year's ground up bear meat. This repulses me in ways you will never know. Not necessarily because it was bear meat. ALL raw meat grosses me out and I HATE touching it. I gag. I retch. But Steve oh-so-kindly asked me to cook 'em up while he was hunting all day so that he could have something to take with him to eat the next day when he went hunting. [sigh] I really am too nice to him.

* Had Grace tell me that for show-and-tell, she wanted me to come into her classroom, poop in my pants (just once), and leave. [shaking head] Obviously, she was kidding, but seriously... that kid has some serious, serious issues.

* In the same breath, she's come home with two awards this week. One for "spreading holiday cheer" by helping her friend recycle paper in class, and one is a Computer Achievement Certificate for recognition of computer and listening skills. So this leads me to believe that she has multiple personalities since it's hard to imagine the child I know getting awards for the things mentioned above. LOL!

* Still haven't seen anymore rodent friends. This is a good thing. I really do think that mouse I scared the other day has spread the word and all of the mice are staying out of sight.

* Had to intervene when Hannah got pissed, picked up her doll's highchair, and whacked Grace over the head with it all WWF style. Sweet and innocent, my ass. Where do people get that idea? [sigh]

* Realized my mother-in-law's birthday is Friday. Of course, since my darling husband leaves the house at 4:00 AM every morning to go hunting and doesn't get home until almost 9:00 at night, that leaves ME to go find her a birthday present. Dammit. This happens every flippin' year. Would it be wrong to just wrap up one of our old coffee mugs that doesn't have any cracks or chips and tell her it's new? LOL!

And now, I must go work. Like actually work. I've been putting it off for days and some people are going to start getting really pissed off if I don't send them some sort of document soon. [sigh] Later...

I Scared the Little Bastard...

LOL! And by little bastard, I mean the mouse I scared back into the hole in the wall with the thrown container of Clorox wipes. We haven't seen hide nor hair of the little shit since my perfect toss and no more mice have been caught in the mouse trap. I'm convinced I either gave him a heart attack and he died as soon as he ran into the wall. Or, he learned his lesson and went down into the depths of our basement and told all his little mouse friends that a psycho lady lives upstairs and they should avoid me if at all possible. Either way, as long as the little shits stay where I can't hear or see them, it's all good. I'm a firm supporter of segregation of rodents and humans. They can live here... just don't let me know it, ya know?

I still haven't started Christmas shopping. I suck. And what REALLY sucks is that everyone in the free world has asked me what to get the girls for Christmas and I gave them ideas. Except now, there's nothing left for me to get them. [sigh] Grace is getting a digital camera (the Fisher Price one), a GameBoy, a stuffed dog that licks you, and an MP3 player (and a million other presents)... all from OTHER people. Hannah's getting a karaoke machine, a Leapster (so she won't fight for Grace's GameBoy), a doll that poops, and an MP3 player. Again... all from OTHER people. So what does that leave me to get her? My poor kids will bound down the stairs on Christmas morning to find some clothing and some art stuff. LOL!

Although, tonight Daddy sat down with them and went through the Cabela's catalog, asking them what they wanted [shaking head]. Grace picked a backpack with a hunting dog on it, a gun that shoots pellets (um, yeah... not gonna happen), and anything else she saw with an animal on it (which is almost everything in the Cabela's catalog). Hannah wants a kid's archery set. [sigh] Crap. EVERY freaking holiday and birthday, someone else in the family is the "hero" that gets the girls that one gift that they really, really want. And then there's me. LOL!

Oh well. I guess I should feel blessed that so many people love the kids and are able to give them things that they enjoy. But my kids will grow up thinking that Santa totally sucks at giving them gifts, but Grandma, Nana, Pappy, Aunt Kristin, and Uncle Kyle kick ass. LMAO!

I suppose that instead of sitting here blogging, I should be surfing the net, looking for cool, creative gifts for my children, no? And I'm off...

Dear Steve (Part 3),

Now you REALLY need to get your ass home. I was all happy and calm, thinking the little shit of a mouse in the trap was it for now. But noooo... I just had a 3 minute stare-down with one of his little bastard friends, who is, most definitely, still alive. The little fucker was like 8 feet away from me and didn't flinch when I yelled, made noise, stomped my feet, and acted like an idiot trying to scare him into the crack in the wall he was standing next to. He didn't move until I threw a container of Clorox wipes in his direction.

So hon, get your ass home NOW and do something about these little rodents that seem to think they can make themselves at home here.

Love,
Your wife.

Dear Steve (Part 2),

I changed my mind. I'm glad you left for most of the day. But now you need to get your ass home. Because, see, that mouse we saw running through the kitchen the past two nights is now dead in the mouse trap in the sun room, about 10 feet from me right now. And there's no way on god's green earth I'm touching the damn thing. So for the love of god, get your ass home and remove the critter from my home please.

Thanks.

Love,
Allison

Dear Steve,

PLEASE, for the love of all things holy, go hunting. I know it's foggy and that makes it tough to see the animals you're supposed to be hunting. But maybe you'll get really lucky and one will just walk right up to you. I'm sure it could happen. And even if you don't see any animals, don't you want to go out anyway, just to enjoy being surrounded by nature. Please? Pretty, pretty please? I need my silence on the days the girls aren't here, and frankly, you just don't ever shut up. So I love ya and all, but um, go away, OK?

Thanks sweetheart!

Love,
Me

I'm Here and I'm Queer...

OK. So I'm not actually queer in the homosexual sense, but I've always loved that little rhyme. And I always add the "... and I'm queer," part in my head when I or someone else says, "I'm here." I need a life, eh? LOL!

Anyway, I know I've been sucking at this blog thing. It's funny how the holidays make you busier, isn't it? And when husbands are home more often than usual, it's also hard to hang out on the computer all day. Bastards. Every one of 'em. ;)

We had a really nice Thanksgiving. The day after, we headed to the tree farm and put up and decorated our Christmas tree. I think it's my favorite one we've ever had so far. The branches go all the way to the ground which rocks!

I spent the rest of the weekend continuing to decorate the house (inside and out) for Christmas, taking the girls outside for some more leaf jumping (the weather's been GORGEOUS), and trying to regain some control of the clutter in my home (and failing miserably). Throw in some actual paid work and some more digital scrapbooking for Christmas gifts, and there was little to no spare time here lately.

So I have no exciting news or stories to share, and nothing interesting to say really. But I wanted to let you all know that I'm here... (and I'm queer.... See? I can't not say that. LOL!)

Sooo...

I've come to a conclusion. I only bother with you people when I'm trying to avoid something else. LOL! This blog is a wonderful procrastination tool.

So if I'm enjoying myself, digital scrapbooking or whatever... "Eh. Screw blogging today. I don't have anything interesting to say anyway."

But if I'm trying to avoid updating a computer software manual with screenshots or cleaning my pigsty of a house... "Hmmm... I think I'll go check in with my blog readers and see what's shaking."

LOL! I'm mostly kidding. It's just always so busy this time of year. And god forbid I let my children out of my sight when they're here because that would inevitably result in another broken item of furniture/knick-knack/bone/etc., and me having to break out the ol' can of whoopass again. [sigh]

So bear hunting season started on Monday. That means I see very little of Steve. That's not necessarily a bad thing, since it does mean I don't have to worry about cooking full meals and stuff. But it also means that I'm responsible for all kid/house/chore/shopping/etc.-related issues. Yay.

Steve informed me last week that in just 2 short weeks, I'll have a stuffed, once live bear in my flippin' living room. The bear he shot last year is almost finished at the taxidermist. Now, when he originally decided to get a full mount, it was my understanding that the monstrosity would be kept over in our rental unit in the backyard, which has become Steve's "hunting room". But I've recently been informed that there is no room over there and that he wants it here in the house. Um, dude? And you think there's room in here? Crap. I'm still not sure how I feel about the whole thing, so I'll have to post pictures when good ol' Smokey arrives and we can discuss. LOL!

Alrighty gang... I really do have to go update that user's guide now and clean this hellhole before Crack Kid #1 arrives home from school (early dismissal today). So I want to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving! Have a blast, eat a lot of food, get a lot of sleep, and come back with stories to share about Crazy Uncle Jimmy and how he got all sorts of drunk again. ;)

Later!

Free to Good Home...

Two Children, Ages 3 and 5. Three-Year-Old Doesn't Eat Much, But Requires Lots of Milk. Five-Year-Old Eats as Much as a Grown Man, But Mostly Healthy Food. Padded Room in Home Would Be a Good Idea. Also Put Away All Breakable Items Around Home in Order to Avoid Daily Disasters. Must Have Patience in Order to Avoid Throttling Them. Recent Activity Indicates They May be on Crack, so Being in a Good Financial Situation Would Be Best.

Call 1-800-HELP ME2 if Interested.

Tales From a Redneck Wedding - Part II

OK. So the reception was, um, interesting. Nothing too exciting actually happened, but there was definitely a lot to look at. They say a picture's worth a thousand words, so without further ado, I present you with these gems...

Now before y'all start saying I'm a snobby bitch, I will say this. Although this type of wedding reception and attire isn't necessarily the usual in this area, it's also not completely unheard of either. In many ways, it was more fun than a "traditional" wedding reception. Everyone there seemed to have fun, which is really what's most important. But it definitely makes for good blogging material, no? LOL!

Part II Coming Soon...

Sorry gang. Part II needs photos and I haven't had a chance to edit/shrink them yet. Be patient my friends. I'll get to it sometime today... LOL!

Tales From a Redneck Wedding - Part I

OK guys, so my cousin's wedding is/was today. It's a joke of a relationship, I really can't stand my cousin, it's her second marriage, and frankly, she's an idiot. No one in my family wanted to go to this thing. So anyway, the girls and I are home from the ceremony (Steve's on his way home from climbing around a mountain somewhere) and are waiting for Steve to get home and the reception to start. So far, just from the brief 20 minutes at the church, I've seen/witnessed/heard/noticed:

* The father of the bride (my uncle, whom I adore) is wearing a tie with fish all over it, that he proudly proclaimed was free when I told him I liked it.

* The sister of the bride (my other cousin) is sporting jeans and a button down blouse (tell me again why I went out and bought something to wear for this shindig).

* The sister of the bride's children are wearing T-shirts with animals on them and cargo pants.

* About 30% of the guests were in faded, and sometimes ripped jeans.

* Matching, exposed, large shoulder blade tattoos on both bridesmaids. (Which in and of itself wouldn't phase me. But when thrown in with this other stuff, it had to be mentioned.)

* The sister of the bride and her DH not leaving the ceremony when their almost 3-year-old (in the animal T-shirt) was pitching a holy fit, screaming, crying, and throwing his bag of Chex Mix around the church.

* A fairly overweight woman with the largest breasts I've ever seen wearing a black mini skirt, that, kid you not, comes to just under the bottom of her ass cheeks.

* An older man, who was standing next to me leaving the church, grabbed the little bells we were suppsed to ring. He turned to me and said with a smirk, "Are we supposed to ring this whenever we get lucky tonight?"

Oh... my... god guys. Even my dad, upon exiting the church and catching a glimpse of the large micro-mini wearing woman at the same time I did, turned to me and said, "Well, the reception should be interesting." ROFLMAO!

Needless to say, I've already cracked a beer, Steve is designated driver tonight whether he likes it or not, and there's no way on god's green earth I can forget to take my camera to this thing. Stay tuned... I'm sure there will be WAY more to tell tonight. I'm off to the Beaver Run Rod and Gun Club.... (I'm not shitting. That's actually where the reception is. YEEHAW!!!!!)

Holy crap, you people are a pain in the ass...

Sheesh! A woman doesn't blog for a day... er... a few days... um... a week and all hell breaks loose in my email inbox and in my blog comments... "Hey Allison, where are ya?"... "Alien, are you OK?"... "Hey bitch, where the hell have you been?...." LOL!

I'm totally kidding about you being pains in the ass (pain in the asses?). I'm touched that so many of you are bummed when I don't blog. I don't even really have an excuse. Nothing seemed particularly blog-worthy. And stuff that did at the time, I'd forget by the time I had a chance to come here. Throw in three birthday parties, a wedding, early dismissal for Grace three days this week, a parent/teacher conference, a husband that was home all day yesterday because of the rain, kick ass shows at night, and me digital scrapping my ass off to make Christmas gifts for people, and well, there isn't much time left in the day. LOL!

But I'm here. I'm fine. And I promise to be back again soon. Maybe even later tonight. ;)

My yard is a dangerous place to be...

That's what I learned the other day when the girls and I went out front to rake and jump in the leaves out there.

First, the yard is teeming with leaf monsters. They're horrible, evil creatures that look like a pile of leaves with a human head. You have to be careful, because they can get pretty vicious when provoked.




And then if you're not really careful, the Leader of the Leaf Monsters will hover over you in his UFO and try and shoot you with laser beams.

LOL! Seriously though, how cool is that last picture. And no, I didn't plan that or even notice it until I uploaded the pictures onto my computer. Weird.

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In other news, I'm pleased to announce that Grace has been chosen as Student of the Month for her classroom for November! She's soooo proud (and so are we). They choose one boy and one girl out of each classroom in the elementary schools. She'll have her picture and a short biography displayed on the school bulletin board all month, and her name will be in our local paper sometime next week. Yay!

It's always kind of nice when your kid gets recognized for something good like that. You just have to think that you must be doing at least something right in raising them, ya know?