Today I...

• Had a conference call.
• Played baseball.
• Played basketball.
• Drove around in a motorized Barbie Jeep. (Yes, I fit. Barely.)
• Pulled one (sometimes two) kids around in a wagon for about 8 billion miles.
• Threw rocks into the creek.
• Peed once.
• Ate barely anything.
• Played Frisbee.
• Pushed kids on a swing for 9 billion hours.
• Played "Captain Hook and Peter Pan".
• Went down a sliding board 4 thousand times.
• Wore a child-sized lifejacket (at the request of Hannah) while running around the backyard playing tag.
• Cooked dinner.
• Cleaned up.
• Gave the kids a bath.
• Took the garbage out to the curb. (Five cans worth.)
• Scrubbed three litter boxes.
• Had sex.

I'm freakin' TIRED! More tomorrow. Mama needs some sleep... LOL!

Random stuff (because I'm a random kind of gal...)

* I was THRILLED to discover that the show "Six Degrees" returned last night with a brand new episode. I got sucked into it months ago when it first started and then it just disappeared off the air for reasons still unbeknownst to me. But it's back baby, and I couldn't be more excited!

* I decided last night that I'm just going to ignore the world. The girls ignore me when I'm saying something they don't want to hear... Steve ignores me in that way that men do when you're trying to talk to them or remind them of something... Steve ignores the girls when they're swinging from the ceiling fans and out of control... I figure if I was put on this earth to be ignored, I may as well ignore everyone right back, no? LOL!

* We got a little fresh air this morning. Spring is finally starting to give us glimpses of herself and we couldn't be happier. We're all officially done with being stuck in the house all the time.

* Some friends of ours invited themselves are coming over to our house tonight. I'm still undecided if I'm going to keep the girls home to play with their boys that are almost the same ages, or if I'm going to send the girls to sleep over at my mom's like they've been planning to do all along (and not telling them that the boys might be coming). I'm leaning towards Grandma's house. Mama needs a break. LOL!

* I should be cleaning right now, but frankly, I don't feel like it.

* I adore my nephew and generally speaking, have NO problem with him spending almost every weekend with us so he and Steve can go walking around mountains or cutting down trees or whatever it is they do while they're gone. But I swear to god, he eats/drinks the very last bite/swallow of everything in the house. And it's usually the stuff I want. Last weekend, he ate my last big cinnamon muffin (I eat one every day for breakfast when they're here.) Last night, he almost ate the last of the girls Cheezits (they're favorite snack) before I saw him and threatened him with bodily harm if he even thought about it. Today, I went in the refrigerator to get out the last 2 pieces of leftover pizza for the girls and I for lunch, and guess what... it's not there. Gee, I wonder who took that. [sigh] He doesn't do it on purpose, but it's getting pretty damn aggrevating.

* Mary, I'll think up some interview questions for you and post 'em later.

* We're eating hot wings tonight! WOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!

* Another layout, just for shits and giggles:

Background Paper: Meredith Fenwick; Newsprint Paper: Amy Kropp; Cardboard Overlays: Linda GB; Frame: Holly McCaig; Dots Border Template: Seebee; Green Paper Used in Dots: Bren Boone; Glitter Swirls: Carrie Stephens (recolored)

An Interview with Me Part 2...

Brought to you by G:

1. Now that you have become a WAHM, would you ever go back to working outside of the home?? (besides if you absolutley had to in order to pay the bills) Well, my answer right now is that I would like to always work from home. But I'm not naive enough to think that 5 or 10 years down the road, I'll need to either go out and get a job outside of my house, or go insane from the lack of socialization. LOL! But it will/would be hard to give up the fact that I'm home whenever the kids are, I make my own hours, I work (or don't work) whenever I feel like it, etc.

2. How old were you when you had your first beer?? Have you always liked the same brand? Believe it or not (and most people don't believe it... LOL!) I didn't have a single, solitary drop of alcohol until the middle of my freshman year of college. And even then, I didn't drink much beer. I was a vodka girl. In college (when I first started drinking beer) we always bought a brand called American Light. It was $6.00 a case and we bought it because it was CHEAP, but truthfully, it didn't taste that bad. LOL! But since getting out of college, yes, I've always pretty much drank Miller Lite. I like a lot of other beers too, but Miller Lite is what we always have here at the house.

3. Do you think your family is complete or would you like to have more children?? If your answer is more, when do you think you'd try again? I wish I knew. LOL! I think in theory, Steve and I would both love another child (and would totally dig it if we had a son), but in actuality, I don't know if we want another one. LOL! The cost... the pregnancy (ick)... the sleepless nights... the lack of freedom for the first year or two... the reflux (a BIG one for us)... etc. I think perhaps if we never had to worry about money and I knew for sure whether I was going to have to go back to work full-time or not, we'd probably have another one. But those issues kind of hold us back a bit, I think. IF we decide to have another, I would like to get pregnant right when Hannah is starting kindergarten (about a year from now or so). After that, I'd start being too old (in MY opinion) and wouldn't want to start ALL over again with baby stuff, ya know?

But all of that being said, I don't think either of us feels "incomplete." Another baby would just be a little "bonus" for us, KWIM?

4. What's the most redneck thing you have ever done?? What's the most redneck thing you've ever witnessed?? Wow! This one is HARD! Mostly because I can't recall one particular thing that stands out as true "redneck." I've done a lot of things that I suppose some people would consider redneckish though... I've been to tractor pulls and demolition derbies and stock car races... I've gone swimming and fishing in creeks (but we call them "cricks")... I've gutted my own fish... In college, I perfected the art of spitting and I could hock a loogey (sp?) into a can 10 feet away from me and get it in 8 out of 10 times... I've gone spotting for deer. (You drive around at night and shine big spotlights into fields, looking for deer.)... I've helped host a pigroast for three years now (LOL!)... I've slid down hay chutes in barns like they were sliding boards... I've drunk every type of cheap beer imaginable (Shlitz, Schmidtz, American Light, Miwaulkee's Best, etc.)... On many occasions, I've chewed tobacco, and in fact, I did it with Steve the night we met for the first time... I could go on and on. But I don't think any of these things are downright "redneck" so much as they are "small town", but I could be wrong. LOL!

As for witnessing someone else doing something redneck? God, I can't think of anything for this either. Half my town in redneck, so I'm so used to seeing that kind of thing that it doesn't even strike me as odd anymore. LOL! I'll keep thinking on these and come back to them if I think of anything specific.

5. Which fast food or junk food would you not be able to live without? Pringles and soda. I'd throw myself in front of a train if I couldn't have my Pringles. LOL!

20 Questions!

Okee dokee. Here are the interview questions for those that wanted 'em. Some of you may have some of the same questions because, frankly, I'm not all that creative and probably won't be able to think of 20 original ones. LOL!

So here we go...

Odd Mix:
1. Did you and your wife both grow up on a farm/around animals, or did one of you get "sucked into it" by the other when you met?

2. Name your very favorite characteristic of each of your children (physical and/or non-physical... your choice).

3. If you could quit your dayjob in computers and work the farm full-time, would you? Would you miss the computer stuff?

4. What's the first thing you do in the morning when you wake up and the last thing you do at night before bed?

5. What do you do with all of the amazing photos you take? Keep them on your hard drive? Burn them to CDs? Print them and put them in albums? All of the above?


Chelle Y.:
1. Name your favorite characteristic of Brendan's (physical and/or non-physical... your choice).

2. Will you ever go back to teaching again?

3. What is your most prized possession? (Has to be a material thing. No cheating and saying Brendan. LOL!)

4. If you knew the world was going to end tomorrow, how would you spend the rest of today? (Horribly depressing question, I know. I'm seriously slacking in the creativity department here today...)

5. If someone held a gun to your head (another pleasant thought... I know...) and said you HAD to get a tattoo right this second, what would the tattoo be and where on your body would it go?

KimmyKay:
1. Name your very favorite characteristic of each of your children (physical and/or non-physical... your choice).

2. Are you going to go back to teaching again or rock the SAHM thing for awhile?

3. What do you miss most about your old house (at least one thing material... like that screen door I LOVED, and one thing generally speaking... not necessarily a tangible thing)?

4. What author (living or dead) would you love to meet in person? (This assumes that if it's one that is dead already, they would be alive for the meeting. LOL!)

5. Name your top 5 favorite movies of all time.

G:
1. Name your very favorite characteristic of each of your children (physical and/or non-physical... your choice).

2. If you could move back home and out of Canada, would you? Why?

3. What's one thing you do in private when no one else is around? (I'm thinking something like pick your nose or bite your toenails. No need to get all perverted or anything on us. LOL!)

4. What's your favorite time of the day and why?

5. If you hit the lottery today (a BIG jackpot), what's the first extravagant thing you would buy?

Interviews Coming Soon...

G, Chelle, Odd Mix & Kim... I'll post your interview questions in a bit. I HAVE to run out to WalMart right now and grab some lunch, but I'll post them when I get home. Y'all are KILLING me with your requests for G-rated questions though. LOL! (I'm kidding. I'll have a hard time coming up with questions regardless of their "ratings." Stay tuned!

For those interested in digital scrapbooking...

This kit was just released today...

http://www.scrapartist.com/store/index.php?main_page=product_info&products_id=914

One of the designers (Michelle Coleman) is a HUGE favorite among many digital scrappers. Anyway, I'm letting some of you know because it was specifically designed for people just getting started in digital scrapping. It comes with 52 papers, 3 alphabets, a ton of elements (that's all the other stuff), and a 20 page tutorial on getting started using Adobe Photoshop. (FYI: Adobe Photoshop Elements is VERY similar to the full-fledged Photoshop and WAY cheaper. So if you have Elements, the booklet should still be completely helpful to you.)

And actually, if you go to Adobe's website (www.adobe.com I believe), you can download 1 month trial versions of both Photoshop Elements and/or Photoshop and play around a bit before deciding whether or not this sort of thing interests you. Also, there are a TON of free kits you can download from designers, so if anyone wants me to post those too, let me know and I'll throw you some links. :)


Here's a link to an online catalog of everything that comes in the kit...
http://www.scrapartist.com/StarterKitCatalog/KitCatP01.html


It's on sale right now for $25.50 (normally $30.00). That's not a bad price. Most digital scrapbooking kits run anywhere between $5 and $7 and don't have nearly as much stuff. I'd say the average kit has 6 or 7 papers (sometimes only 5) and some elements. Sometimes an alphabet, sometimes not. So generally speaking, this big kit's price is pretty decent.


I don't know if that seems like a lot of cash to throw into a kit if you've never digital scrapped before, but I wanted to let some of you know since you were asking me how/where to get started. The fact that this comes with the 20-page tutorial book is an added bonus for those who are SURE they want to start doing this kind of thing.

And since we're talking about digital scrapbooking anyway (LOL!), I thought I'd post some more layouts I got done the past two weeks or so.

Everything for this layout is by Jen Wilson.

Credits for this layout are right here.

Pickling My Brain...

Below is an excerpt from an interview I did with Tink, of Pickled Beef fame. (OK. So not really. She just typed the questions on her blog for me. It's not like she called me up and we tape recorded our discussion or anything. LOL!) Anyway...

1. What's your favorite position? (And I don't mean in baseball)? Is "None" an option here? LOL! I'm kidding. Ummm... OK. I kinda like it when we're in the "spooning" position. So him behind me, both of us lying on our sides. Good friction my friends... good friction.

2. Have you ever shot a wild animal? Nope. I've actually only shot a gun maybe 10 times in my life total. I'd often like to shoot my cats though... ;)

3. If you'd had a son, what would you have named him? The first time I was pregnant, I wanted to name a boy Carter, but Steve said no. So I think he would've been Tyler maybe? (I didn't like it, but I figured I'd argue after the child was born and I knew it was a boy. LOL!) The second time I was pregnant, we had decided on Braden for a boy with a nickname of Brady. NOW we both agree that if we ever have a son, his name will be Sawyer. I LOVE that name (and no, it's not because of "Lost". LOL!)

4. Who had it harder, Snow White or Cinderella? Who cares? I hate all freakin' princesses. Especially the Disney ones. Ick.

5. If you had to create a title for yourself, what would it be? A title? For myself? What the hell are you talking about? LOL! Gosh. Ummmm.... Uhhh.... The Anti-Disney Princess? Does that work? LOL!

This was fun!

Want to play? Leave a comment saying, "Interview me." I'll respond by asking you five personal questions so I can get to know you better. Then you will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post.

The Psychotic Mom (For Tink)...

OK. So there's a little girl in Grace's kindergarten class. We'll just call her Julie from here on out. So I had met Julie's parents once before at an open house at the school. The mother had informed me that although she's still married to Julie's dad, she only sees Julie once every TWO MONTHS because she works out of state. That in and of itself is completely odd to me, but there were other signs of her oddness. That night, she had mentioned something about their meditation room. That's cool generally speaking. But it's also not the norm (around here anyway), so it was added to my mental list of why this woman struck me as a bit "off".

At another point, she started speaking about herself in the third person. Freak.

So anyway, I took Grace to this birthday party on Saturday for a boy in her class. Julie was there and so was her mom. I remembered her from the open house and decided to just stay clear of her so as to avoid any sort of conversation. At one point during the party, she announced (loudly) to the kids that they were going to play a game. Now keep in mind this is not her child's party. A few of us kind of thought that was weird, but then assumed maybe the kid's mom and her were good friends or something and she was helping out. So she takes charge and runs this entire game for the kids. Whatever.

The rest of the party, she was yelling loudly and often, getting people food, yelling at OTHER people's kids that weren't acting exactly as she wanted them to, etc. A few of us started questioning if she knew the birthday boy's mom, but no one knew for sure.

The icing on the cake came when the little boy started to open his presents. She told every other child there where he/she should sit. The boy starts opening his presents while sitting in a chair. The boy's mom is kneeling next to the chair, but Julie's mom sort of pushed her out of the way and starts handing the kid his presents to open. She's writing down what each child there gave him (for thank you cards later), she's reading all of his cards to him as he opens them, she oogling over his presents and reading the boxes to him, etc. At one point, the boy was holding one particular gift a little longer than the others because he really liked it and was checking out the box, and Julie's mom TOOK the present from him and said, "You can play later. C'mon. You have a lot more stuff to open and the party's almost over."

The boy's mom sat there with a smile pasted on her face, honestly looking like she wasn't annoyed, but it was hard to tell.

So get this. At the end of the party, another mom asked her if she knew Julie's mom. She had never even MET her before!!!! Holy SHIT! What the HELL?!?!?! LMAO! All I know is that if she had acted like that at MY kid's party, I would've taken her out in the parking lot and beat the shit out of her. God bless the little boy's mom, because apparently, she has WAY more patience than I do.

So see? Julie's mom = PSYCHO!!!!!! Ack!

Slow down! I want to get off!

God, have I been busy lately. TOO busy. I'm exhausted and I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep for three years. LOL!

This past weekend marked the end of our birthday party hell. The month was filled with WAY too many birthday parties for people ranging from age 1 to age 80. There was roller skating, swimming, pony rides, Elmo, Sparky the Firedog, one unbelieveably psychotic mom, real firemen, live bands and DJs. Frankly, I'm fed up with birthday parties at this point. But on Sunday, we went to the last one and I think we're done for awhile. Of course, now I have to start planning Grace's party soon, but I'm gonna hold off on that for a bit longer, so as to prevent my current seething hatred of birthday parties from seeping into the planning of hers.

So as if the parties alone weren't keeping me busy enough, Steve decided on Saturday that we were going to clean out the scary, all-carpeted "bedroom" in the basement and move the majority of the girls' toys down there and out of the main living area of our house. I understood his thinking in theory since I had just about HAD it with the bazillion (literally a bazillion... I counted once) toys scattered throughout the downstairs, and the fact that no matter how much and how often I "cleaned up," it still always looked like Toys R Us threw up in our home.

So we spent all of Sunday carrying everything downstairs into the basement. (I did get a two-hour break to take the girls to that damn birthday party, but that wasn't much more fun than what I was doing here). Everything was going fairly well until Steve decided that he and I were going to carry the shelves down into the basement too. The shelving unit is actually a HUGE metal 6-foot long unit that literally came from a general store. So they're sturdy and they're HEAVY. I wasn't too sure about me being able to even lift them, let alone carry them downstairs, but Steve wasn't giving me much choice. We "discussed" for a good 20 minutes about whether or not they came apart in the middle (we couldn't remember). I said yes. Steve swore they were welded together and that we had to carry the whole unit at once.

Fine. So we carried. And I rested every 3 steps. And I hurt my back. And I hurt my fingers. And I tripped. And I cursed. And when we were literally 3 steps from the final destination of the shelves downstairs, they fell apart. Right in the middle. Where Steve swore they were welded together. Mother f*cker! Grrrr...

But anyway, we're still working on transferring everything down there. I must admit that the upstairs looks WAY better and cleaner. But I have had to make WAY too many trips up and down the damn stairs, helping the girls carry toys upstairs to play with. [sigh]

And in the midst of all of this, Steve decided it was also time to take down Hannah's crib (being used as a daybed for quite awhile now, with one of the sides taken off), and put up a twin bed. Dude, NOW? When we still have the basement and downstairs in complete disarray? What the hell is wrong with you?

So now I have a REALLY sore back that's really bothering me, THREE floors that are completely trashed and need a TON of work done to them (by me), and I'm effing tired. [sigh] Fun.

Later 'gators. I'm off to try to stretch my back out a bit and then I need to go try to find the rest of Hannah's room under the clothing, dirty laundry, old shoes and boxes that are currently scattered in there.

How my day began today...

So, I come out of WalMart and get into my car to head home. Now I'm parked between two large (high) pickup trucks. No big deal. But since I drive a little (low) Honda it does mean that I can't really see who's coming down the parking lot aisle until I clear the back of the trucks a bit and can see past them. No biggie. I'm always very aware of this and creep out slowly to get out of my parking space, so that anyone coming down the aisle will see me and have time to stop before ramming into me.

So that's what I'm doing this time. I'm backing out at about 1 mile per hour (if that), alternating between looking left and right behind me to see when I can clear the back of the trucks with my line of vision and actually see whose driving down the aisle. I'm almost at that point when I hear someone LAYING on the horn. WTF? So I slam on the brakes (although at 1 mph, slamming was hardly necessary), turn to look to my right (behind me) and see this OLD dude in an old person car screaming at me.

I give him an apologic smile, mouth sorry, and wave that he should keep driving behind me and then I'll continue backing out. (Keep in mind that I'm only about 2 feet out of my parking spot at this point. I'm not even CLOSE to blocking the lane so that he can't continue around me.)

So I'm thinking he'll just keep driving behind me. But no. The fucker starts waving his finger at me like I'm a 12-year-old, and is still screaming at me. Now, I'm pissed. I wasn't doing anything wrong, I was being extremely cautious about backing up until I had a good line of vision of other people driving in the lot, etc. AND I had just basically apologized and given him the right of way. DON'T wag your fucking finger at me, asshole.

So I start screaming back, "Fuck you, asshole! GO! I couldn't see! I just TOLD you to keep going, FUCKWAD!" and I angrily wave for him to go past me. (Now keep in mind it's like still cold here, so both of us have our car windows closed, meaning we can't actually hear each other and can only see each other's angry faces, hand gestures, and imagine what the other one is yelling. LOL!)

He's STILL wagging his finger at me and yelling (seriously dude... go get laid or something, because you're obviously high-strung and in need of a stress-reliever) and I finally just flip him the double bird, yell, "Fuck OFF, ASSHOLE!" and turn around to face front. I refused to turn around and look at him again until he had driven past me and was halfway down the next aisle. Honest to god, if I had continued to watch him and he had wagged his finger one more time, I would've jumped out of my car and pummeled his ass. And I'm NOT kidding. Fucker.

It was 9 A.M. and I swear to god, I needed a beer. (Don't worry, I didn't actually have one. But I wanted one.)

Some of my scrapbooking layouts...

OK. So Mary asked about seeing some of my digital scrapbooking layouts, so I figured I'd post some of my favorites here. These are all 100% digital, meaning I do everything on the computer using Photoshop Elements. When you post something like this online, you're supposed to give credit to whomever it is that designed the different things you used in your layout (i.e., the background papers, the seperate elements, etc.). If you want to see complete credits for the stuff, almost all of these layouts can be found here in my online gallery at my very, very favorite designer's site (Jen Wilson Designs). Under each layout, complete credits are listed for each layout.

Most of these were also done for challenges. Every week, there's a new challenge (or two), where you're given certain "rules" as to what your layout is supposed to be about, how may pictures it has, what sorts of things you need to use on it, etc.

So anyway, here are examples of one of the main reasons I don't blog as much anymore. Because when I sit down at the computer, I'd really rather be doing what you see below than blogging. Sorry gang. ;) LOL!

Wow. I really do suck at this blogging thing.

I can't even use the excuse that I've been too busy to blog (although I have been busy, mind you). I just honestly haven't felt like it. Nothing earth-shattering has taken place in my life. Sure, one or two humerous or interesting things happens every day, but it's usually summed up in a sentence or two and coming here to blogger just to type one or two sentences seems pointless. So, with that being said, I'm going to post an extremely random, haphazard list of things that have happened/were said/crossed my mind/etc. Ready... set... go!

* Steve gave me a full-fledged wedgie the other night. On purpose. For no real reason. I was sittting at my computer and he walked up behind me, grabbed the back of my underwear and yanked. Um, thanks? That's true love, lemme tell ya. [shaking head]

* It's effing COLD here today. 45-degrees lower than normal for this time of year. Grace even had a 2-hour delay from school this morning because it's THAT cold. This sucks. Please hurry spring. Please.

* One of my digital scrapbooking layouts that was posted in an online gallery was mentioned and spotlighted on a national digital scrapping radio show that you can download and listen to. It was very flattering of course, but frankly, the layout sucked and I think it was kind of stupid. LOL! But hey, whatever. It was for a challenge (i.e., a contest sort of) where you had to make a layout about something (NOT someone) that you love. So I took a picture of my DSL modem and my wireless router and had at it. See? I told you it was stupid. And yet, there it was... a link to it on the radio show's website and the two DJs discussing it in great length for all the world to hear. [sigh] I mean, I'm glad they liked it and all, but I really do much better work that that layout reflected. LOL!

* We received a letter from the IRS two weekends ago claiming we under-reported Steve's earnings for 2005, and that we owed them $8,000 in back taxes and penalties. Um, what? So after 30 minutes or so on the phone with the accountant and Steve's file opened on our computer screen, we discovered that the error was actually a computer setting that was used (my fault), and that we shouldn't owe any money. So the accountant fired off a letter with an explanation and an adjusted return and we're praying that kills the whole thing dead.

* One morning last week, everyone else had left for the day and I jumped in the shower. As the shower continued, I noticed that the water appeared to be getting colder and colder. Shit. So I jumped out and checked, and sure as shit, our furnace was dead. This is where having a plumber for a FIL is a good, good thing, and he came over within the next few hours (I was up to about 3 layers of clothing at that point) and he gave the furnace a good makeover and we were good to go. Whew. See? I knew marrying a blue-collar guy with blue-collar relatives would pay off in the long run... a working furnace, new parts for it, and no outrageous bill (or any at all really). Sweet.

* This weekend is birthday party hell. Three kid parties on Saturday (there were actually 4, but I had to nix one for obvious reasons) and one party on Sunday for our 80-year-old neighbor. Then next Wednesday, Grace has a swimming party down the street. Next Saturday is one for her friend at the local firehouse, and Sunday is my cousin's little boy's first birthday. [sigh] I get to go shopping on Thursday and will probably drop $100+ on stupid gift cards for that store I despise called Toys R Us. Yay me. Glad to see the money I earn is being put to good use. [sigh]

* Hannah has spent the last THREE HOURS on NickJr.com (I'm on my work laptop right now). Now I realize a 3-year-old being on a computer for 3 hours seems a bit extreme, but she just walked up to me and counted to ten in Spanish, so we're going to pretend that she's actually participating in some sort of online educational classes, OK? Work with me here, people. She's quiet and I'm getting a lot done and I don't want to screw that up.

* We found out that Taylor Hicks is going to be in concert literally RIGHT down the street from us next month. Tickets go on sale this Saturday. We are sooooo there! We LOVE Taylor Hicks. SOUL PATROL! I suggested to Steve that we make T-shirts with Taylor's face on them and "I heart Taylor!" written on them, just for the fantastic photo opportunity it would present for my blog. He actually briefly considered it, but I'm afraid he'd actually want to wear it to the concert, so I've decided not to mention it again.

* Speaking of American Idol, people, I LOVE Blake. LOVE HIM! If he doesn't get close to winning, I'm going to be pissed! And I'd say he should win it all, but frankly, some of the girls kick some singing ass and I really do think they deserve a shot too. But Blake better at least be second, or I'm boycotting American Idol forever. And if that scrawny little dude that looks like a girl doesn't go home this week, I'm flying to the next taping and kicking his ass on camera. He sucks.

OK guys, I guess that's it for now. I really should remove Hannah from the computer chair (like mommy, like daughter, huh?) and get her to do something "acceptable" like play with flash cards or something now. LOL! Later gators!

*

Well, I'm coming at you from my new, snazzy Dell computer. Dear god, I love this thing. It's fast, still not smeared with fingerprints, and as of yet, there's no beer on the keyboard. It has Windows Vista on it, and lemme tell ya, it RAWKS! Love the damn thing. Love it.

So anyway, the new computer arrived on Friday afternoon and I spent all weekend customizing my settings, transferring files, and downloading software. Fun times.

So what I'm about to say is almost unbelieveable. I swear, if I didn't know me, I'd think I was making it up. (Don't get all excited... it's nothing that great.) LOL! But on Friday, Grace came home with ANOTHER birthday party invitation for March 14th at a hotel down the street from us (it's a party in the hotel's swimming pool). For the love of...

And then, just because fate decided I hadn't yet completely lost my mind, when I took Hannah too gymnastics that night, one of the moms there (that I've become fairly close with the past few years of gymnastics) handed me an envelope containing (you guessed it!) an invitation for her daughter's party at the gymnastics center. On March 10th... the same day as the THREE other parties we're already supposed to attend. Honest to god, I'm ready to hole up in my house until April and not come out until all of these spring fever babies are done celebrating the day of their birth. [sigh]

Speaking of birthday parties, we crossed one off the list tonight. Grace went to her "boyfriend's" roller skating party tonight. She's never really roller skated before, but she had a blast. However, she is going to be one hurting girl tomorrow morning and I won't be suprised if there are like a billion bruises on her legs, arms, butt, etc. from falling down so much. LOL! But it was fun for her and she didn't break any bones, which I suppose is all that really matters.

And with that extremely boring post, I'm off. I'm not sure yet if I'm going to head to bed, or fight sleep like usual and stay up another 3 hours doing mindless things, but either way, I've run out of things to say. I hope you all had a fantastic weekend!!

Sigh. He's here...

The dude I argued with two days ago is currently sitting 10 feet away from me. Again. We didn't bring up the other day at all, and he's being extra nice to me, but I'd really prefer if he'd go away. I'm trying to work and he keeps trying to make conversation with me. And his wife just called him on the walkie talkie and no matter what she asked him (Should we have steak for dinner? Should we watch those movies we rented tonight?... Etc.) he responded with, "That sounds perfect, Hon." [insert finger down throat and vomit here]. And when they hung up, she said, "OK honey. I love you." And he said, "I love you too, Sweetheart."

I had to bite my tongue and ask him if she knows how he stood in our kitchen a month or so ago bitching about how she's a fucking idiot when it comes to money and complaining because she went out and spent like $8,000 on dressers for the kids' rooms. And saying how she's a hypochondriac and he's fucking sick of all the medical stuff and pains she's always bitching about. But she's "perfect." Uh huh. Sure she is...

For the first time in my life, I'm not talking much. Instead, I'm sitting here typing what I really wish I could say out loud. Bite the tongue, Allison. Bite the tongue...

Enough with the birthdays already, people!

Seriously. How many people could've possibly had sex in May and June? Is this a Spring Fever type thing? Because I swear to god, if we get ONE more invitation for a freakin' birthday party, I'm going to go postal. And I'm not just saying that either. I really will, dammit. Do you people have any idea what our weekends are like for the next month? No? Well, let me fill you in...

February 18th: Princess Tea Party for Grace's friend (Yes, this one is already past (thank god), but this is what started the whole freakin' birthday extravaganza.)

February 24th: Cake for my sister's birthday at her house, to celebrate her birthday that was yesterday, the 20th.

February 28th: Roller skating party for Grace's friend.

March 10th: (I still don't know how we're going to pull this one off.)
2:00 - 4:00 PM - Party for Grace's friend at his house down the road a bit.
2:00 - 4:00 PM - Party for Hannah's daycare friend at a gymnastics center in a town about 30 minutes from here.
4:00 - 7:00 PM - Party for our good friend (and Grace's godfather's) daughter. (Seriously, can you hear me ripping my hair out one by one right now?)

March 11th: Surprise 80th Birthday party for the neighbor. (How can we NOT go to this one? I mean, it's not like we don't see them almost every day, ya know?)

March 17th: Birthday party for Grace's friend at a local fire company.

I won't even mention my SIL's birthday on March something-or-other (the 8th maybe? LOL!) or my FIL's on March 14th. God willing, we won't have to actually celebrate those two with any sort of party.

Now seriously, this is just insane. I'm going to have to take out a second freakin' mortgage just to afford to buy all of these people a freakin' gift. [grumble grumble] So people, this is a public service announcement. Please stop producing babies in the spring months. Spread the love a little, ya know? Sex is good all year long. There's really no need to cram it all in in May and June, OK? Thanks.

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And on another note... we ordered a new computer yesterday! WOOHOO! My brand spanking new Dell should be arriving early next week and I can't wait to get my grimy little hands on the bastard. LOL!

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And get this crap... On Friday night when the kids were gone and we decided to visit my MIL and her husband, it came up about me joining the gym. Well, Steve & I, never people to pass up an opportunity to get people laughing, start telling the two of them that the main reason I joined the gym is because Steve told me my once-evil SIL had joined one and that there was no way on god's green earth I was going to let that girl be thinner than me. There's just way too much history there to let that happen. So my MIL and her husband are rolling at how we're telling this story, when my MIL says, "She didn't join a gym." [insert crickets chirping in the death-like silence here...]

Um, what? That's right folks, she did NOT join a gym. Not at all. And this "fancy" piece of exercise equipment that I thought she had bought and was jamming out on every night at home in addition to going to the gym? Yeah. It's a $35.00 piece of plastic that she bought on clearance somewhere. Something about a stepper with rubber band like cords attached to it that you can pull on. What... the... fuck. Oh my god, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I looked at Steve as if I was going to kill him, but by the look on his face, I could tell he was suprised too. My MIL has a habit of getting her stories wrong and she really had made Steve believe that SIL had joined a gym and had bought some big, expensive piece of machinery.

So basically, it was all a big fat lie and now I've joined a gym and gone against all of my beliefs because of this big fat lie. Dammit.

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So let's discuss a little hypothetical situation here. It may have happened yesterday afternoon around 4:00 or it may not have. I'm not saying either way....

So let's say your husband has a best friend. You like this best friend well enough for the most part and the guy is good to your family and would do anything for you. Granted, you used to hate the dude, but those were mostly for reasons that you really should've been pissed at your husband for, not the friend.

This guy can also be a real pain in the ass and his sole purpose in life is to make money, TELL people he's making money, and try to make people believe everything about his life is perfect, when you know for a fact (because he's told you), that things are certainly not perfect. This man's favorite line to use (and he says it to everyone... friends, strangers, whomever...) is, "It's hard to find perfection, but I married it." GAG! Yes, his wife is very attractive. And yes, she's thin and works out and all that other crap. But she's weird. Sometimes you'll see her and she'll talk your ear off. Other times, she'll look right through you as if she's never met you before in her life. You don't dislike her, but she often comes across as a snooty bitch and someone who needs to get some serious lessons on how to be social. You also know that they were in counseling together (not marriage counseling... just counseling in general) a few months ago because they were stressed out, having some issues, disagreeing on things, etc.

This wife now walkie talkies her husband while he's with your husband "just to say I love you" and to ask if he wants mashed potatoes or french fries with dinner. After ending the call, the man goes on and on and on about how wonderful his freaky ass wife is because she called to ask him what he wanted for dinner. Let's all gag again, my friends. You and your DH silently roll your eyes at him behind his back and sometimes get kind of annoyed at how the guy is constantly bragging about his wife, his life, his house, his money, his kids, etc. But all and all, he's really not a bad guy. In fact, he's honestly a really good guy. Just annoying.

Anyway, so you're sitting in the kitchen with your husband and this best friend and all three of you start making jokes about your house and your willingness to clean it. The best friend has pointed out the dust bunnies in the corners of the kitchen and you've made a sarcastic remark about not getting rid of them and you're all laughing (while you're silently wondering what kind of person points that out to someone in their home). But slowly, as the discussion continues, the mood seems to change, and you begin to feel more and more ganged up on and are basically being made to feel like a complete lazy slob with total disregard to the condition of your home. Some comments are made (all by the best friend... not your husband) about how it's "the woman's job" to clean. And you are asked point blank, "You're home. Why aren't you cleaning more? You should be." You begin to get angrier and angrier until you can't even see straight and you're ready to fly across the room and make it a physical altercation. You KNOW your husband doesn't like conflict and that he's hoping you just keep your mouth shut and let it slide. But having the personality that you do, that isn't gonna happen.

So you tell the guy (a guy who NO ONE ever says anything rude to or calls him on something) that "It's pretty fucking rude to walk into someone's home and comment on the condition of it. Especially when that said someone is IN the home 8 hours out of the day every damn day visiting his friend when they can't work in the winter because of their chosen job professions." And then instead of stopping there, you continue to comment on how you feel sorry for the person's wife because if she had any balls at all, she would've ripped his off a long time ago. And how his wife is NOT perfect and if she has to live up to that kind of pressure than god bless her. And then you roll your eyes at him.

And the guy stands there in shock. He's not really sure if you're still kidding or if you seriously just said all that stuff. And he really doesn't know how to react. So he back tracks and starts saying that that's not how he meant it. And how people are just different and what bothers one person might not bother another. And all that sort of happy horseshit. You're still pissed, but for the sake of your husband (who is obviously mortified by BOTH of your actions right now) you try to make light of it, calm down, and start cracking jokes again. You succeed in bringing the mood back down a bit and you're actually swimming with pride at making the dude completely embarrassed, since it's something that doesn't normally happen to him.

And you really declare yourself the winner when he calls the house later that night to apologize repeatedly if he offended you. That's right asshole. Try it again motherfucka, because next time you do something so ignorant and rude, I'll bring up what a fucking whackjob your wife really is and how she is far, far, FAR from being perfect. And then it might get ugly.

(Editor's note: I would just like to say that my house is NOT that bad. There's clutter from the kids toys and mail on the countertops and stuff, but my home is NOT dirty. Sure there are some dustbunnies in the corners, but I'm pretty damn sure that most people don't really think about the dustbunnies in the corners on a regular basis, and sure they'll get cleaned eventually, but they aren't something you add to your To Do list once a week.)

Ahem. OK ladies (and gentlemen?)...

Here it is... The Tunnel of Love. Now let's discuss this little device.




http://www.hornsnhalos.net/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=TOLV&Category_Code=

And here's a link to it in case you're all inspired by this post to give it a whirl.


First of all, it's pink. I find this odd. Yes, it's marketed and labeled as a "masturbating device" for men, so I suppose the whole girly color thing is to make the man feel like they're with a woman instead of whacking off with their own hairy hand. I dunno. But c'mon. Do you honestly believe a guy isn't humiliated (and frightened?) enough that he's sliding a rubber tube over his penis. Did you really need to make it pink?


Now let's talk about the fact that the thing comes with absolutely no directions or diagrams. Now when you look at the picture, it looks like it's just a tube, and you're probably wondering how the hell stupid are Allison and Steve that they can't figure out how to put that thing on. But what you can't see is that the hole at one end is a different size than the hole at the other end. So when we opened the package, we were like, "Which hole goes on first?" The small hole looked REALLY small, so we figured the bigger hole must go first, with the smaller hole at the top. It certainly was useable that way I guess. I mean, it didn't cause any sort of weird ER visits or anything, so it was no big deal.


But the next day, Steve had a random "A ha!" moment in the middle of the day and said, "Hey, I think we used that wrong last night. I think the smaller hole is supposed to go on first so it stays in place while it goes up and down." Ohhhh.... good thinking, dude. LOL!


Like I said, Steve said it was OK and definitely felt good. But he wasn't convulsing with crazy ass orgasms either. And I should also add that we didn't really use it for the "deep throat effect" that the description describes. We just did our normal thing. The woman that ran the party had explained that you can keep it on for the duration of sex, and that it would just move up and down as we partied like rock stars. So I don't know if it would really work well for the whole oral sex thing or not. I just don't want y'all out there thinking I'm deep throating my husband every night, because I can assure you that that is not happening. Trust me. LOL!


So I guess Steve gives it a thumb's up. Not like a huge, shouting from the rooftops type thumbs up (yet... once we know we're using it properly, we'll make a final decision). But definitely an enthusiastic, "Hey, my wife brought home a sex toy and I'll use it even if it means putting a pink tube of rubber over my dick, just because sex toys are cool" sort of way, ya know?

So feel free to click that link up there and review one for yourself. Just make sure you also order some lube. Because I can assue you... you NEED the lube for this thing.

Fried laptops, dead rodents, tunnels of love and tea parties anyone?

Oh... my... god. No matter how hard I try, I don't think I'll be able to completely update you on everything that's gone on here the past few days since I last blogged. Seriously. I feel like I'm in a bad sitcom that can't get cancelled no matter how hard I try. So excuse my randomness and serious lack of segues, OK?

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First things first. My laptop is dead. And I mean dead. At 2 A.M. last night, I (being the effing idiot that I am), accidentally spilled some beer on the keyboard as I was getting up to go to bed. It's done. I can't type the letters A, D, Z, Q, S, T and a bunch of others, the Space bar doesn't work, when you hit any letter on the right side of the keyboard, it types the letter "D", and sometimes it randomly types repeating "E's" when you aren't pressing anything on the keyboard at all. Everytime you click on the Start menu, it opens up another session of Microsoft Exchange. I mean, it is FRIED. So I'm on my work laptop right now.

The good news in all of this is that Steve told me just to order a new computer. Uhhhh... ok. Hell, if I would've known it was that easy, I would've sprayed the sucker down with some Miller Lite months ago.

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I arrived home from a bunch of places yesterday and after being home for awhile, I spotted a plastic grocery bag hanging on the doorknob of our side door, between the main door and the screen door. I was like, "Hmmm.. what's that? I wonder who was here while we were gone and I wonder what they left us."

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it turns out that in that little grocery bag was a fucking DEAD SQUIRREL! Ewwwww! It's WAY too long a story to get into now, but one of Steve's friends had shot the squirrel and wanted Steve to skin it. He brought it by and we weren't home, so he thought it would be hilarious to just hang it there on our doorknob. I swear to god, I didn't know whether to laugh until I peed or call him and rip him a new one. A DEAD SQUIRREL, people! On my DOORKNOB! Rednecks suck, my friends. If you ever meet one, run far and run fast. Trust me on this one.

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As if one dead rodent isn't enough, we found another dead mouse in the mousetrap this morning. Seriously... I feel like Satan's version of Snow White or something. She attracted little bunnies and birds... I attract dead shit. Nice.

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Grace went to a birthday party yesterday afternoon (which is when the squirrel was apparently delivered). It was a princess tea party. Oh my. I realize most of you don't actually know Grace, other than from what I write here, but trust me when I say that a Princess tea party is not really her cup of tea (pun intended). In fact, when she received the invitation and read the part to her that said, "Come dressed as your favorite princess or pick a gown at the party!" she said (and I quote...), "I don't want to dress like no stupid freakin' princess!" And she wasn't kidding. LOL! God, I love her.

So anyway, it really was a cute party. It was held in an old, historic building and the girls got to go upstairs and put on dresses, hats and jewelry. They made bead bracelets and necklaces (Grace made one with her "boyfriend's" name on it... Seriously... this kid is going to be the death of me) and then had a tea party, complete with juice in real ceramic tea pots, they drank out of real ceramic tea cups, and they ate little finger sandwiches shaped like flowers and grapes. It was soooo cute (in theory), but Grace didn't seem to be having nearly as much fun as she would've if at least one member of the opposite sex was there to play football with her. LOL! But afterwards, she swore she loved it, so I guess I'll take her word for it. She did stay somewhat true to her beliefs though when she outright refused to wear any of the "stupid hats" they had there for the girls to wear if they wanted to. LOL!

I just thank god Hannah wasn't there because I swear I would've had to drag her out of there kicking and screaming. It totally amazes me how different two siblings can be. Anyway, here are a few pictures from the tea party...










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Also, before I go, I wanted to post a few pictures from Saturday morning when Steve and I took the girls out back to go sledding. We took them down a steep hill at the end of our yard and Grace had a BLAST! Hannah went down once (and went flying about 8 feet when they got to the bottom), so that was it for her. LOL!

(In case you're wondering about the pictures, I make them wear helmets when they sled down that hill. It's really steep and there are rocks and trees and stuff that they could potentially slam in to.)






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Crap! I almost forgot about the Tunnel of Love! It's been used twice here now. Steve likes it well enough, however, we believe we used it upside down and backwards the first time, so we're withholding judgement until we're sure we're using it properly. LMAO!

The Love Tunnel

So, on Saturday night, I went to a Horns and Halos party at my girlfriend's house. For those of you that aren't familiar with the company, they sell sex toys and lotions. For those of you that have never been to one, I highly suggest you try to get yourself invited to someone's. Even if you aren't "into" the idea of sexual "aids", the parties are a flippin' blast! Seriously. You put a bunch of women in a room, talking about sex, their husbands, and all that other good stuff, and you're bound to have a good time. There's always at least one woman there who makes it her mission to make inappropriate comments throughout the show (that would be me).

So the one the other night involved 22 women. Twenty-two women, some of which were married, some single, some with kids, some without. The jokes were flying. The demonstrator lady started out by passing out little penis shaped pencil toppers that we had to put on top of our pens and use to "sample" the edible creams and lotions that get passed around the room. Apparently, it's considered unsanitary for women to keep licking their fingers and sticking them into various jars, but it's OK to do the same thing with a small piece of rubber in the shape of the male sexual organ. Whatever. I'm game.

So we're passing around the various cremes and lotions. Massage stuff that gets hot when you blow on it... cremes to make the woman's um, opening tighten up and make her have better orgasms and be tighter for the guy... shaving creme that claims it prevents the red bumps on your bikini area when you shave... spray to "absorb" the wet spot after sex (that can also be used as an every day room deordorizer, etc. Some of them tasted downright nasty. I'm sorry, but when Steve and I are doing nasty things, I really don't want to lick him and have him taste like a blue-raspberry Slurpee. Maybe that's just me though...

My personal favorite in that group of products was one called "Dickalicious". Supposedly, it makes the man's penis tingle, it tastes good for the woman, and it will prolong the amount of time before he, uh, "finishes". The woman made a point of saying that you ONLY need a "pin prick" of it, because otherwise, the man's penis might start tingling too much, it could cause discomfort, and it'll be a loooooong time before he's um, satisfied. The jokes started flying and all of us there considered buying a bottle simply to use the next time our men pissed us off and we wanted to torture them for an entire night... "You said what, Hon? Fine. Let's go upstairs. I've got a real treat for you..." Rub it on and walk out of the room. Sweet.

After the lotions and gels were all discussed, it was time to play a game. There's nothing quite as funny as women standing around in a circle trying to pass a big, rubbery, double-ended dildo around using only their knees. I must say, the girl next to me and I kicked ass at the game, but I didn't win, dammit. [sigh] (See photos below.)

After that little ice breaker, it was time to discuss the "toys." I always like to watch the faces of the women who have never been to one of these parties before or who have never actually seen a sex toy in person. It's flipping hilarious and is worth going to these parties just for that. So we're passing around vibrators that move, rotate, bend, flip, have spinning beads, have one end, two ends, three ends, etc.

In the midst of all of this, out comes "The Wallbanger." I seriously almost pissed myself laughing. It's a large, hot pink vibrator with a big black suction cup on the bottom. The woman slammed the suction cup against the wall and then explained that it can be attached to the wall, the top of a coffee table, a window sill, the side of the tub, etc. Oh... my... god. The jokes were flying. Comments about sticking the sucker to the kitchen cabinets and never complaining about cooking dinner again. LOL! Awesome! And here it is... the Wallbanger...




But the most popular item of the night came towards the end of the demonstration. The woman pulls out this pinkish rubber stretchy tube. She says it's called the Love Tunnel and is their top selling item. I'm still thinking, "What the hell is it?" when she explains exactly what it's for...
"To use this, lube up your man's penis and slide this on with his head sticking out the end. Then when you give him oral sex, you'll only have the head of his penis in your mouth, but it will feel like you're deep-throating him." Holy SHIT! Are you kidding me? I swear to god, EVERY single woman there whipped out their pens and marked that down on their order forms. LOL! I chimed in with a whole plan to buy that AND the Dickalicious lotion so I could slather that tingly crap on, slide on the Tunnel of Love and make Steve suffer in pain for hours. (Don't lie... it would be funny and you know it.)

So anyway, I left that evening with a free Silver Bullet and another free vibrator called "The Screamer" on its way. And I'll let you know if the Love Tunnel works. Because I swear to god, if it does, I'm buying one for every single solitary girl I know. Every...single... one...


So I leave you with this doozy of a picture. It totally cracks me up. Is it just me, or do I look like I'm thinking, "Hey ASS, get that damn thing away from me?" LOL! (Sorry these pictures suck. I pulled them off of Shutterfly after the hostess sent a link to the pics from the party.)

Oh my...

OK. So Steve found some boxes of old stuff in the garage loft that I've been instructed to go through and keep and toss as necessary. One of the things in there was a big case of old cassette tapes. 99.9% of them are mix tapes I made for myself, other people, etc. way back in the day. Remember how cool you thought you were when you made one? And how much time and effort you put into it? How'd you get one tape all set up at exactly the right spot? And then how impressed you were with your impeccable timing when you'd hit Play on one tape and Play & Record on the other tape at exactly the right moment? Or how you'd listen to the radio all day long, hoping to hear that one song you wanted to record and then praying you'd be able to lunge for your tape in time to hit Record? Ahhhh... those were the days.

So anyway, I found one in my old stash called "Senior Tape 1990-91". I made it my senior year of high school. Never one to NOT be overly queer, inside the case, I found a little typed song list with an explanation of why I chose each song for the tape. Some of the explanations are real doozies lemme tell ya...

"Right Here Waiting" (RICHARD MARX) - This song is off of his "Repeat Offender" album and one of my all-time favorite songs. It came out in the summer of 1989. (I'm cringing right now. LOL!)

"Wonderful Tonight" (ERIC CLAPTON) - Theme song from our homecoming dance in October 1990. (Um, wasn't that everyone's homecoming dance theme song that year? LOL!)

"You've Lost That Loving Feeling" (THE RIGHTEOUS BROTHERS) This is a popular song with almost everyone in school. It became popular when it was in the movie "Top Gun". When Jason and I danced to this song at the prom, and when the line, "Baby, Baby, I'd get down on my knees for you," came on, Jason got down on his knees and started singing to me. It was adorable and everyone loved it. (Um... GAG! Dear lord...)

There are more on that mix, but the rest are even more gay and I just can't humiliate myself anymore than I already have. So let's move on to some of the others...

Favorite title for one of the tapes: "Slow Songs So Sappy They Make You Want to Vomit." And god, was I ever right. Celine Dion, Whitney Houston, and Vince Gill are all on there. Oh my. LOL!

Title of a mix made for me by my boyfriend my senior year of college: "Allison Rocks the House (Yo!)" LOL! That one really is a good mix though and is dated July of 1994. The songs range from "No Sleep Till Brooklyn" by the Beastie Boys to "Bullet in the Head" by Rage Against the Machine to "Sober" by Tool to "Peace, Love & Understanding" by Elvis Costello. I am so totally playing that tape tomorrow. LOL!

What's funny is that as I'm playing them, I'm still remembering all of the lyrics, even after not having heard some of the songs in a good 10 years. Funny how that works. Especially when I can't remember my kids' names some days. ;)

I will say that these newly found mix tapes are giving me some great ideas for the next time I download a bunch of songs onto my MP3 player. LOL!

Dear lord, guys...

There are like old ladies at my new gym. And I don't just mean like older than me/50-ish. I mean OLD, as in pushing 70. Gray hair, lots of wrinkles, etc. And they come in, and they sit down on the machines, and they do them as well I can. One of them yesterday blew me out of the water when she laid down on the slanted bench thingy and started doing a ridiculous amount of sit-ups. What the hell?

I must say, it is rather motivating since it makes me work a little harder. I mean, if I'm like 50 years younger, I really should be able to do more than them when it comes to physical activity, right? Because if I can't, well, that's kinda sad. LOL!

Anyway, it made me realize that there really is absolutely no excuse for not having started this whole working out thing sooner. I mean, if they can do it, certainly I can, right? Uh.... guys?? I said, right? Anyone?...