Wanna hear about my past two days?

Tough shit. I'm going to tell you anyway. Because they say misery loves company and I'm all for big gatherings.

So yesterday, I get an email about an impromptu conference call for one of my projects. No biggie. I had Hannah here with me, but she had managed to entertain herself all day up until that point, so I figured she'd be good. And she was... for the entire damn TWO HOURS I was on the phone. Oh, but wait. We had to hang up because people had other meetings. But we weren't done discussing the document, so hey, let's schedule another conference call for last night. At nine o'freakin' clock! Shit.

So Daddy was in charge of getting the girls to bed (which they weren't too happy about), and I had my conference call for the next 90 minutes, totally missing Last Comic Standing (which happens to be one of my very favorite shows).

I hang up at 10:45pm and get Grace to go to sleep. See, she was determined to stay awake until I was finished and I didn't think the other two ladies on the phone (both of whom are affiliated somehow with childcare or parenting skills or organizations or something) wanted to hear me scream, "Get your ass to bed, dammit!" (Which I wouldn't have really yelled, but I would've been thinking it.)

So anyway, I hang up and start fucking around on my laptop, building a few more digital scrapbook pages. Paint Shop Pro was running particularly slow however, so I decided to reboot. (Because we all know rebooting fixes pretty much anything). I went out to smoke a cigarette while the computer restarted and came back in to find a black screen with white text that said, "Windows cannot start because the following file is either missing or corrupt." and then listed a file. Son of a BITCH! Tried rebooting a billion times. Tried a bunch of other stuff. No go. My laptop was dead. [sigh]

Chugged another beer and went to bed at 2 AM.

Woke up and sent the girls off to school. I had a TON of stuff to get done today since I have pig roast guests starting to arrive tomorrow. I told Steve I'd run and get the three turkeys that we always deep fry and was reminded that the maximum poundage for the fryer is 12 lbs. No problem, babe.

Head to grocery store #1 in the next town over (5 miles away). They have two turkeys. One is 12.5 lbs. and one is a measley 6.5 lbs. Shit.

Head to grocery store #2 (another 10-15 miles away). They have 4 turkeys. Oh wait! They're all 13 to 14 lbs. Fuck.

Head back to grocery store #1 and grab the 12.5 lb one figuring Steve can at least smoke that one in the smoker. On the way out, help lift a little boy into a shopping cart because his mom was obviously very pregnant and I overheard her tell him that she couldn't lift him in and he'd have to walk. Great. Did my good deed for the day.

Come home to find a voice mail from Steve telling me I should "call around and order a port-a-potty" for Saturday. Yeah. Great. Wonderful spur of the moment decision there dude. What, exactly, does one look for in the yellow pages when looking to order a portable shitter?

I order the friggin' potty.

Head to grocery store #3 (15 miles in the other direction from my house). Keep in mind it's been about a 2 hour adventure now up to this point, it's almost noon, and I have another flippin' conference call at 2:00.

Remember Grace has to take something to daycare tomorrow for her daycare class to put in their treasure chest (whatever the hell that is). Dart into the dollar store, grab two 20-packs of markers and head over to the grocery store.

Ask the meat dude about turkeys. They've got 5 that are 16 lbs. (who the hell buys turkeys that big this time of year) and one without a label. Ask the guy to weigh it for me, explaining the situation. He says it's 13 lbs. but assures me that after it's defrosted and the packaging is removed, it'll be right around 12 lbs. Fine. I'll take it. He even checks in the back for me, but the rest are all around 20 lbs. [sigh] So I leave with turkey #2 and still need one more.

Go across the street to Crazy Jake's. This is a guy who has a portable BBQ joint. It's a grill on a trailor and he parks in a gas station parking lot all summer and it's always PACKED. Steve swears it's the best BBQ ever. (I hate BBQ sauce, so I'm taking his word for it.) Buy a gallon jug of Crazy Jake's sauce for the pig roast.

Head home and try to get some laundry done. Fail miserabley.

Get a call at 1:55 PM saying I just missed some other conference call. See, braindead me had assumed that the other two conference calls we had yesterday had been instead of the one today at 1:00. Um, no. But I still had to immediately dial into the 2:00 one (that I had remembered). Fuck. (They were TOTALLY nice about it though and didn't seem phased, so no biggie.)

Was on the phone for an hour and a half and ended the call being informed that conference call #4 will be held tomorrow from 10:30AM until noon. Fanfuckingtastic. Because I have nothing better to do tomorrow, ya know?

Took an hour to plug Steve's quarterly taxes into the computer so I could take it to the accountant.

I won't bore you with the rest of tonight's details, but it involved Steve popping wheelies on his skid loader (apparently, he's excited about this weekend?), 2 filthy, overtired children - one of whom tried to refuse a bath until I threatened her with bodily harm), me getting nothing else accomplished, Steve and I getting into a HUGE fight because he says I'm (literally) killing our kids because I microwave some of their food (seriously dude, this organic/health kick has got to stop), a bazillion phone calls from people regarding the pig roast, flight plans, pig pick ups, and other crap, a 5-year-old who refused to go to sleep until 10:00 tonight, random tantrums (by me), and partridge in a pear tree.

And tomorrow, lucky ol' me gets to run to WalMart, try to find another damn turkey somewhere, get home before 10:30 for my 1.5 hour conference call, wash bedding, wash towels, run to my FIL's to get an air mattress and foam camping/sleeping thing-a-ma-jigs, find enough pillows for everyone who will be sleeping here, do some actual work, find and clean the Pack & Play for our friends bringing their baby here this weekend, and get my laptop fixed.

But at 3:00, Tracey will arrive and all will be right with the world. Because once that first guest sets foot in my driveway, I pretty much don't give a shit what didn't get done. Not to say I still don't have a shitload to do before Saturday. I just won't care as much.

And since I'm rarely here anymore (SOB!), I'll throw in other news and add that our neighbor and her boyfriend broke up and he's moving out (which truly, truly breaks our hearts... we adore him), and my brother's going to be a DADDY! Hooray! So far, I'm the only one with kids, and I'm SOOOOO excited that that won't be the case anymore. YAHOO!!!

And with that, I must say goodnight. Because this is one tired girl and I don't see much rest happening for a good week or so. LOL! Damn pigroast... ;)

Zzzzz...

Dear god. At this very moment, I have my phone cradled between my ear and my shoulder as I listen to some guy go on... and on... and on... about a company's mission statement, integrity, etc. My old company pulled me back on for a three-week project and they're requiring me to go through their web "orientation" to the company. Never mind that I worked there for 10 friggin' years prior to this. The real kicker? If I had worked for them within the past 6 months, I wouldn't have to do this. The last time I worked for them was 6 months and 2 days ago. Two fucking DAYS! Ugh.

My poor kids. They're here and trapped inside the house while I sit here. Hannah's dumping water all over the damn house (but she's content, so I'm not yelling at her), and Grace is glued to the TV. Thank god for muteable phones, that's all I can say.

What else? We're gearing up for the pig roast this weekend. Getting everything cleaned and ready, washing sheets and towels for the overnight guests, making up the list of food we need, making sure everything's ready for the live band that's playing, etc. We're estimating around 100+ people coming. Good times, lemme tell ya... We're pumped!

So anyway, sorry I haven't been around. Between the pig roast preparations, lots of outside time with the kids, and the two projects I'm working on, I've been really busy and getting very little sleep.

Thursday Thirteen - July 20, 2006

THIRTEEN THINGS ABOUT MY WEEK

1. Have been working my fat ass off at night, trying to get all of my work done for the two projects I'm on. This involved little sleep, dodging certain emails and phone calls, and writing a lot of document content while buzzed on a few beers. Sweet.

2. Watched the girls play every night outside until well after 8:00. This means I have two WAY exhausted little girls this week.

3. Went with my mother-in-law to pick out curtains for the kitchen (she was paying). Couldn't help laughing out loud on several occasions when she suggested some... "No, I really don't think those apple printed curtains will go so well in the kitchen... No, I'm not really a big lace and ruffle fan... Ew! Those look old-ladyish!" Snort. However, it was painfully obvious that she wasn't too keen on the stuff I liked either, so we were even.

4. While at the store where I got the curtains, I had my highlight of the week when I found a pair of $70.00 Tommy Hilfiger jeans that were on sale for $8.00! Did you hear me? Eight fucking dollars!!! And they're damn cool too and I look damn thin in them, so I was pumped. I also got a pair of Tommy shorts and two Tommy shirts for a few bucks. My total Tommy Hilfiger purchase amount? $25.65, my friends. Sweet!

5. Didn't know whether to laugh or throttle Hannah when we were discussing something (not someone) being fat, and she said, "Yeah. Fat like you Mommy!" Little shit. [grumble grumble]

6. Had several mini panic attacks thinking about all of the stuff Steve and I still need to get done before next week's pig roast. We're pretty much screwed. But I figure if I get everyone drunk enough, no one will really notice the things we didn't get around to doing.

7. Almost (literally) shit my pants on Tuesday when I pulled out of the driveway, forgetting to grab the bank bag containing THOUSANDS of dollars in deposits for Steve's business account off of the trunk.

8. Sped like a mad woman back on the route I had just driven and thanked every god above when I found the bag (still containing all money) along the highway about a half mile from our house. I swear, I would've committed suicide before telling Steve I had lost the money. Literally.

9. Said a little silent "thank you" when my um, "monthly visitor", arrived yesterday instead of next week when she was due. Changing tampons while drunk off my ass at the pig roast would not have been fun.

10. Took Hannah to KMart with me with an entire box of 20 Care Bears band-aids on visible parts of her body (all applied by her, unknown by me of course until afterwards). She had 15 on her left leg, 3 on her right leg, and 2 on her arm. We got some really weird looks that day...

11. Laughed at myself several times today when I drove around town blaring bluegrass music with my windows down. I got so many "Why the hell is that young girl blasting banjo music?" looks that I stopped counting. Good times, I tell ya. Just gearing up for the pig roast is all.

12. Went on a mad dehumidifier hunt this week, finding that every damn place I went was either sold out, or only had one $350+ model left. Finally found one at our usual appliance place, and with some store credit we had there for a stovetop griddle return a few months ago, it only cost me $10.60. Sweet.

13. Lost another 3 lbs. Rock on.

OK. Apparently, when one is trying to cram...

70 hours of work in during the week, while also being a mom full-time, there is no spare time to blog. Dammit. This is going to be another quick and dirty post because I have a big rough draft due tomorrow, I haven't started it, and both girls are going to be home all day so I'm not forseeing much work getting done). A lot of you have already seen this on our Mom boards, so please don't feel the need to comment again. I appreciate all of the nice things you've already said. :)

Well, we finally have some of the lights in as of yesterday (as opposed to the bare lightbulbs that have been there for months... LOL!) Steve installed the three pendant lights over the island and a really cool light in the entry way inside the backdoor. They're all brushed nickel to match the hardware on our drawers and doors.

Oh, and the kitchen is red now. LOL!

In these pictures, please ignore the ugly ass barstools. [sigh] I've mentioned it before, but we borrowed them from my mother-in-law until we find some that match and that we really like. I HATE them, but they provide somewhere to sit, so what can you do, ya know? LOL!

And my MIL and I are going shopping this week for curtains, so those will be added soon too. :)

Thanks for looking!

It's been FOUR DAYS since I last blogged?!?!?!

Dear god, I really do suck. [sigh]

Sorry gang. Life has been nuts. I was bombarded two days (out of three) this past weekend by a friend who invited herself to our house (along with her two sons). Great, right? The kids love playing together... she came here, so my daughters' entertainment was brought to me... etc. But dear lord. On the first day, she stayed for 6 hours. This went into dinner time, so she called her husband, told him to stop at our house on his way home from work, and I had to make an impromptu dinner for 8 fucking people, including a 1-year-old (thank god for Pasta Pickups). They finally left at 8:15, but only because the 1-year-old was exhausted and crying. What the hell? Five minutes before she left, she invited herself over again in two days. Um, ok? [sigh]

The second time, she stayed for 5 hours. At least she left at dinner time. What the hell? I'm all about playdates and getting kids together to play. But it's called a playdate, not a playday. I got absolutely nothing done this weekend due to her self-invitations. Don't get me wrong... she's a very nice person. But sweet jesus girl, you certainly know how to wear out your welcome.

Anyway, throw in a birthday party for Grace with her daycare friends, a leaking spurting dishwasher, normal everyday housecleaning, two kids that insist on playing all day long outside in the 90+ degree weather, a 3-year-old that has finally requested to be out of her crib and in a "big girl bed" at night, a three-hour conference call, a commute to my old company this morning (1 hour away) to sign 2 damn pieces of paper and a commute home (another hour), and now working on two projects -- one for 30 hours this week and one for 40, and a Grandma who took a week's vacation this week meaning my children won't be going to daycare at all, I'm a bit, um, busy. And fucking tired.

So although I'd like to write some more right now, my friends, I'm off to just begin working for the day. Sleep? Who needs sleep? Plenty of people function on no sleep, right? [sigh]

Things I've Learned the Past Few Days...

1. Fax machines don't work when your children have (unbeknownst to you) jammed play coins and pretend kitchen food inside of them.

2. It's inevitable that whenever someone needs something important emailed to them immediately for your job, the file is going to reside on whichever computer is not currently hooked up to your DSL connection. (Long story, but I can only have one computer connected at a time, and I have no way to copy files off my old piece of shit PC to email the stuff from my laptop).

3. At some point (apparently, immediately after turning 3), your child will start protesting her crib and demand a "big girl bed", meaning you'll now have two children potentially wandering around your home in the middle of the night.

4. My husband is more anal retentive than I thought and makes me count (out loud and in front of him) the letters I'm supposed to mail for him today, so as to make sure I have that same number of letters upon arriving at the post office. You know, in case one somehow magically jumps out of the zippered pouch they are currently contained in.

5. Steve will invite everyone he sees and knows to come to the pig roast, even if he knows I can't stand the girl to which he handed the invitation.

6. Every single time you wet mop all of the floors in the downstairs of your home, every single person in the family (including yourself) will manage to drop or spill something on them within an hour of the mopping.

7. Deciding to make a "quick stop" at the local WalMart even though you haven't showered yet and look like shit, means you will inevitably run into someone you haven't seen in years, making them believe that you look like shit all of the time.

8. The one night you are really, really hungry and want to eat dinner is the same night your children will hover over you, and eat almost all of it off your plate, even though they ate their own dinner earlier.

I'm sure I've learned more, but having that much knowledge thrown at me in the span of two days has made my head hurt and has lessened my ability to retain short-term memories.

Organic Man Needs to Get a Life...

Dear god. I don't know if I've even talked about it here on my blog, but Steve's been on a crazy health kick the past two months or so. He's been waking up at 4:00 AM for years to go next door to the bungalow in our backyard and workout. Great. Rock on, dude. But now his little search for the perfect healthy body has led him down the Organic Road.

Now don't get me wrong. Wanting to be healthy is great. It really is. But there is a line that one crosses, taking them from "normal person wanting to be healthier" to "crazy ass health nut dude that needs to relax."

The two of us went grocery shopping this morning. Let me just say that I HATE grocery shopping with him. Hate it. I can be in and out of the store in an hour flat, and that includes checkout. Steve? It's a good 2 to 2.5 hour ordeal. Drives... me... insane...

So we're shopping today. He's not only throwing everything in the cart that says "organic" on it, but is looking at every brand of whatever product he wants to buy to see if there's an organic version. He's a slow reader, so it took a looooong time to go up and down every aisle.

In the meantime, I'm having dizzy spells. I think I have an ear infection (possibly in both ears) and it's throwing my balance off. There we were in the frozen food aisle when my head started spinning, I felt dizzy and my eyes couldn't focus right. I grab onto the shopping cart to keep from toppling over and tell Steve not to move it or I might fall. He chuckles and says, "Oh my god. Please don't pass out here and embarrass me." Thanks dude. (In his defense, he didn't realize how dizzy I was.) So I'm like, "No. Seriously. DON'T move it." He says, "OK. I'm going to go over and get laundry detergant. If you're on the floor when I get back, please don't be mad when I walk past and pretend I don't know you. If you start getting really bad, sit in the cart or something." Um, huh? You think my fat ass is going to fit in there? LOL! Ok dude.

So anyway, the dizzy spell passes and we continue shopping. I knew he had crossed that fine line I mentioned above when he bought two tubes of organic toothpaste (what?!) and grabbed a box of organic pancake mix that cost $7.00! Seven fucking dollars people! For pancakes! Jesus! dude, you need help. Lots and lots of help...

I will say though that his little organic phase has helped me lose weight. Not because I'm eating healthier, mind you. But because I just don't eat. Gone is the junkfood I lived on. Gone are the Pringles and TastyKakes and Doritos. I've dropped 8 lbs. or so. I'm starving, but I'm thinner. Yay.

"Vacation" my ass...

How come my parents didn't have cool stuff like this when I was growing up? Sheesh. I didn't have heavy moving machinery to ride around in. I think my kids are spoiled. ;)



Would it be mean to say that I'm looking forward to tomorrow when the girls go to daycare and I have the whole house to myself? Don't get me wrong... we've had a blast... Slip & Slides, the pool, skid loader rides, sprinklers, picnics, the park, etc. But I'm freakin' tired and have about run out of things to entertain my children with. I don't even care that I have to actually work tomorrow. It'll be quiet. And there will be no sippy cups to fill or boo boos to put bandaids on, or fights to break up. Ahhhh...

In other news, Grace lost her third tooth yesterday. She was sleeping over at Grandma's, so my mom got to play tooth fairy, and I haven't even seen her yet with her little gap-toothed grin. She's growing up so fast...

Slip & Slide Fun...

OK. So last night, we broke out the Slip & Slide yet again and set it up on various hills in the yard. MUCH better. Although there is still some running and diving head first action, the momentum of the hill means you still get to the end without having to knock the wind out of you to do it. Hannah even got all "roller coaster" on us and had her arms waving around in the air. LOL!

But then we went to the stupid dog's birthday party today and created the Ultimate Slip & Slide. My sister has a much steeper hill at her house. And to add to the thrill, we threw a big piece of plastic at the end of it to double the length of the sliding fun. After these pictures were taken, we put yet another piece of plastic on the end and the kids were sliding clear to the fence at the end of the yard. LOL! A little redneck? Perhaps. But who gives a shit, when the end result is more fun.

This afternoon, I'll be attending a 3rd birthday party for my sister's dog. That's right. You read that correctly... her friggin' dog. Ugh. My sister loves her dogs. She has two horses German Shepards and they're her world. I truly believe she loves them more than she loves her husband (and she'll tell you that if you ask her). Now I'm all for loving your pets. I really don't love mine as much as I should (LOL), but there's nothing wrong with having a soft spot for your furry friends.

But when you arrive at your neices' birthday party and hand out invitations to a birthday party for your dog, something's just not right. She'll never have kids (by choice), so I suppose her dogs are the equivalent for her. But for the love of god...

We'll go, because Grace and Hannah thinks it's neat that Hunter is having a birthday party. But if we didn't have kids, I can guarantee you, we'd skip that little shindig and instead, head to the camping/beer fest some good friends of mine host every year. [sigh] Someone pass me a beer...

Thursday Thirteen - June 29, 2006

OK. So originally, this started as a "13 Things That Made Me Laugh This Week" entry. But that just isn't me. Because frankly, although I laugh all day long, every day, and I make people laugh as much as possible (whether it be with me or at me), it's just not me. My bitterness is what makes me so endearing after all. ;)

So with that, I give you...

"THIRTEEN KINDS OF PEOPLE THAT ANNOY THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME"

(This may actually be a repeat, but I discover new people daily that annoy me, so it's all good. And pardon my French in advance...)

1. The assholes that don't use their turn signals. Seriously people, it's for your benefit. You know... so I don't like drive my badass Honda Accord through the ass end of your car.

2. Men and women that proclaim their undying love for their spouses to others, when in reality, they're really closet assholes/bitches that treat their spouses like shit behind closed doors.

3. Fake people. I hate fake people. One thing with me is that what you see is what you get. You either like it or you don't. Deal with it.

4. Girly girls. I'm sorry. I've tried being friends with them. I've tried being one. Hell, I even gave birth to one. But I can't stand 'em. I don't give a shit what you're wearing, what your hair looks like, where you shop, and if your nails are painted or not. I. Just. Don't. Care. I buy clothing at WalMart sometimes, I only get my hair cut twice a year, I love to shop at dollar stores, and I never, ever, ever paint my nails. Deal with it.

5. Parents who take their children to public places and then don't watch them. I had to "yell" at three separate kids yesterday at the indoor climber/play structure place I took the girls. Their parents were nowhere to be found. One obnoxious kid pushed Hannah. He was about 6. She's 3. He literally pushed her off of something he decided he wanted to play on. Another kid was thrashing around in the ball pit that is exclusively for kids age 2 and under. He was about 6. Get OUT of the fucking ball pit, you little shit! And where the fuck is your mother?? Because if MY kid acted like either of them did, they would've been dragged out of that place place so fast, their heads would spin. Oh wait! There they are... of in the corner with their nose in a book, not giving a rat's ass if you hurt other people's children. Nice. Real nice.

6. Slow people. I can't stand slow people. (Slow in relation to their actual speed... not in relation to their mental capacity. LOL!)

7. Metrosexuals. I dunno. I don't hate them mind you just because they are one. But I have to say that there's nothing even remotely manly about them either. I want a man in my life. You know... a real man. With ripped jeans, an old T-shirt, and mud on his face. Mmmm...

8. Whoever it was in Virginia that landed here on my blog by using the search term "braless wife flashing truck drivers." Sicko.

9. People who constantly talk about their looks. I can see you myself. I really don't need to actually hear about it from you. First of all, that's kind of egotistical and self-indulgent, don't you think. Second of all, most of us just really don't give a shit. So knock it off, OK?

10. Whoever the people are that started producing, selling, and marketing organic and all-natural foods. It's all Steve will buy. Great, right? No. Not really. Because there aren't very many "snack type" organic foods out there. You know.... like organic Doritios. Or organic ice cream with organic caramel-filled chocolate candy in it. So now I'm slowly withering away to nothing. I'm... getting.... weak.... Must... have.... processed.... food.... with.... artificial.... ingredients....

11. Adults who drive wearing their seatbelts, while their children run about the car as they please, climbing on the seat, standing next to the window, turned around and looking out the back window, etc. Hey at least you'll be all strapped in and have a good view of your children flying through the windshield. That's all that matters, right?

12. The inventor of the Slip & Slide. It's a royal pain in the ass to set up, and even more of a pain in the ass to take down. And it's not like it's the safest toy on the market... "Hey you! Yeah, you! The little five-year-old girl... run as fast as you possible can and then hurl yourself down this wet, slippery death trap. There you go! Good job!"

13. Brittney Spears. I've tried liking her. I've tried feeling sorry for her. But I just can't. She really is the epitome of a dumb blonde.

Holy shit! She's FIVE!

[sigh] Yesterday was Grace's fifth birthday. I can't believe she's that old already. It's bittersweet, lemme tell ya.

We had a fantastic day though. The sun was shining (yay for no more rain!) and my mom and I took the girls to an indoor climber/games place, where they had a blast!

Then we came home and played with her new basketball net. Of course, being the insanely athletic child that she is, we think we have to raise the net because there is practically no challenge there for her already. LOL!

After dinner, my parents, my in-laws, and my sister & BIL came over for cake and ice cream.

After everyone left, she was thrilled to discover that CBS was running a special on sharks. She is completely convinced that "they" knew it was her birthday and ran the show just for her because they know how much she loves sharks. LOL!

We all fell into bed completely exhausted. One more birthday party on July 8th for her daycare friends and we are done with birthdays for the year. I have to tell you, I'm not really sad about that... ;)

Make it stop.

(Apologies to those of you I know from the Mommy boards. This is a direct copy/paste because I'm tired and I'm lazy.)

The rain, I mean. It's crazy in this area. I don't care so much about the rain in and of itself. The girls have been complete troopers and all I have to say is thank god for couch cushions thrown on the floor, because they can provide an entire day of entertainment for two stir-crazy, housebound children.

But there are so many flooded areas. My poor dad has been up for about two days straight. They always get water in the downstairs of the house when it rains. My mom and dad have been taking turns doing "towel watch", putting towels down on the floor of the downstairs of their house, spinning them in the washer, and throwing them in the dryer, only to put them back down again. They're both exhausted.

My poor sister called my mom in tears this morning because their entire chain link fence around their yard collapsed. There's a (normally) small stream that runs behind their house that they and all of their neighbors have to cross (via small, 3 foot long bridges) to get to where most of them park their cars. The neighbor's bridge was completely swept away and is now in my sister's backyard. With her fence down, she couldn't let her dogs outside without being on leashes, and they have to fix it ASAP whenever this godd*mn rain decides to stop.

This is my sister's backyard. She was standing on her back porch when she took this picture and where you see water is normally her backyard. You know... with, like, grass and stuff. That white building is their garage.

You can see how fast the water is running in this picture. You can also see what was once her fence...

It did stop for a few hours this afternoon (when I let Grace run around and jump in mud puddles since she's been trapped inside for about a week now), but we're supposed to keep getting more rain for another day or two. It's just nuts.

There have been road closings, evacuations, and a few drownings in and around the area. Steve and I are lucky in that the way our property is, we never have water issues here. Our stream did flood the one side of Steve's garage down back, but other than a little bit of mud on his backhoe, and a bunch of big tree limbs and branches scattered around, it didn't cause any damage.

But seriously... it's time to stop now.

Hey guys. I'm alive. Sorry (again) for sucking at the blog thing. It was a crazy, busy weekend. Grace had her dress-rehearsal and then her recital for gymnastics. Lemme tell you, sitting in a way overcrowded, hot as balls gym for four and a half hours watching kids flip and tumble is only fun for like the first half hour. LOL! But she did great and it was cute to see her "perform".

She also had her last t-ball game on Saturday morning. I'm bummed. She really liked it and I actually liked watching her play. Looks like we may be signing her up for soccer.

Steve got the floor moulding all made and put in the kitchen this weekend and it looks fabulous. Go Steve!

Other than that, there was just some house-cleaning going on. Sounds thrilling, no?

And now we're all here today, trapped inside due to the second day of continuous torrential downpours going on outside. Yay. [sigh]

A few photo gifts for my friends...

Since it's my aim to please as many of my readers as possible, I offer these photo gifts to some of my friends...

Katherine, since you specifically requested it, I would like to submit Exhibit F of the "Tuckmaster." As you can see, her bulky turtleneck sweater was indeed tucked in.

And I would also like to take this opportunity to reiterate that I don't really think there's anything wrong with the way she dresses. And of course, some shirt really should be/need to be tucked in. And I don't even hate her anymore. Or even dislike her. I just think it's hysterical that before every single event when I know I'm going to see her, I know exactly what she's going to be wearing. And now that I've filled all of you in, we can start placing bets before each holiday on what color shirt we think she'll be wearing. It'll be FUN!

(And Melissa, she has always totally reminded me of Monica Lewinsky too! LMFAO! Of course, now she's practically a blonde [rolling eyes], so some of the resemblence is lost...)

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And next, I have a gift for Amber. I offer you, my dear friend, a picture of Dora's remains.

Actually, it's even more gruesome now. The day after the party, Grace ripped her face off and pulled her body from her head. What's funny is that the faceless, bodiless head is still hanging off our back porch. I know I really should take it down. But nothing makes me smile more than pulling in the driveway and seeing that little bitch's faceless head just dangling there by a string. Ahhhh...

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And for everyone else, I offer you this. Everybody needs a Grace. Seriously.

Down with Khaki...

OK. So to further support my claims about my sister-in-law, and how she always wears pretty much the same thing, I thought I'd share a few more photos from the past few years that I dug up. Let's note how in each and every picture, the bottom half of her is khaki and the top half of her is just a plain color. Also note, that all shirts are tucked in. (Seriously, what person under the age of 40 still tucks in their shirts?) And those shorts and pants you see in the pictures could very well be just one pair of shorts and one pair of pants that she's been wearing for 4 years now.

I think that if perhaps she wore cool khaki things, I'd be less likely to make fun of her. I mean I have never, EVER seen the girl in a pair of pants that are bootcut. Never. It's always straight legged, Eddie Bauer jeans. Very "momlike." How about some cargo pants? Or something with a slight flair at the bottom? Something a little bit low rise instead of the ones you wear with the waist at your belly button. Or, oh, I dunno... something with a stripe or a polka dot or a fucking heart on it or something for the love of god...

Anyway, I'm laughing to myself right now because I now realize that every single time I see this girl from now on, I'll have to take a picture so that I can post it and we can all make fun of her. Sweet.

And I am right now, thanking god that they don't own a computer and I'm 100% positive that she doesn't even know what a blog or google is...

Grace's 2nd Birthday Party - June 2003




Gunnar, Her Son's, 2nd Birthday Party - November 2003 (And who the hell names their kid Gunnar, anyway?)




Christmas 2003 (She looks so pleasant, doesn't she? And I swear on all things holy, that turtleneck sweater was tucked into her pants. I have another picture if you don't believe me.)



Hannah's 2nd Birthday - June 2005

I'm here! I'm here! (Like you care...)

God, I suck at this blogging thing lately. I'm afraid I have a new obsession taking up all of my time these days. See, my brother installed Paint Shop Pro on my laptop over the weekend (Shut up Kappy, it was free.) I've spent hours fooling around with digital scrapbooking elements and kits to make all sorts of fun stuff. Good times, I tell ya...

Anyway, not much going on around here. Still recovering (and cleaning up) from the big birthday bash this weekend. How is it that I spent literally days cleaning up the place before the party and now it's 4 days after the party and my house is still trashed? God knows I won't be winning any domestic goddess awards anytime soon.

Search Terms:
Pig, Web Set: Um, OK. The only thing we do with pigs around these parts is roast 'em.

Miami Ink Cat Leather Pants: I'm not even sure how these words are related, but it kind of scares me. Someone in Portland, Maine is gettin' their kinky groove on.

Davey Crockett and Coonskin Hat and Picture: I'm going to tell myself that a parent was helping their child search for stuff for their school project.

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ADDING FOR KF:

Here are two pictures of my SIL (albeit none of her actual face, but still... LOL!). Please note that she's wearing exactly what I said she would be. Khaki shorts and a plain colored short-sleeved shirt, tucked in of course. She's so damn predictable. ;) And I don't know what is up with her hair. She naturally has black hair. And I mean dark black. But she gets blonde highlights put in all the time. It varies with how many highlights she has each time, but at the party I just kept thinking "What the hell?" She has a ton of them right now and they look soooo unnatural. Black-haired people cannot pull of blonde highlights. I'm sorry. Get caramel. Get some auburn. But NOT blonde. Dear lord. It looks so unnatural it's almost laughable. I wish I had a better picture of her head, so you could all laugh too. LOL!

(That's her standing behind Hannah in her infamous khaki shorts.... probably bought at Eddie Bauer.)

Summer Exhaustion...

Steve filled up the girls' pool yesterday and they spent the whole day in there, since it was like 93 degrees. It wore them out to the point where they were both out cold by 7:00 last night, which was good for me since I had a midnight deadline last night. Of course, it also meant they were both up several times throughout the night and up for good at a godawful hour this morning. So I'm running on empty right now. But I got my work done last night, so that's all that matters, right? [sigh]

Anyway, here are some pictures of my little fish (or shark, in Grace's case).

Sorry (again), gang...

I originally planned to get online tonight, update y'all on the girls' birthday party, and post some pictures. But I am soooo friggin' tired, I can barely function. Today was a whirlwind of beer, juice boxes, sprinklers, presents, tons of food, cake, singing, crying, yelling, and all that other good stuff that comes along with a party.

Steve was virtually useless when it came to this shindig (more on that tomorrow), so to say I'm tired is a severe understatement.

So I'm going to leave you with just one or two pictures and call it a night...

We have Hannah with the cake...


And Grace with one of her favorite presents today [shaking head and wondering what the hell is wrong with my child... LOL!]...

Oh...

And because I want everyone to realize what kind of hellish turns my life takes daily, today, both girls were naked a good portion of it (long story). So at one point, Grace eats some jello and then walks up to me (naked).

Me: "Hey girl! Whassup?"
Her (grinning): Nothin'. Just saying 'hi'."

She then turns around to walk away and I see that she has stuck her spoon between her ass cheeks (the long way, pervs) and is walking around with a goddamn spoon stuck in her ass, thinking it's the funniest damn thing ever.

I swear to you on all things holy, I never thought I'd utter the words, "Get that spoon out of your butt! NOW!"

Please.... help....