Highlights of the Day (Saturday 10.22.2005)

1) Had Hannah wake up WAY too freakin' early, which in turn, made Grace wake up WAY too early.

2) Based on the rain pouring from the sky, we assumed Steve's golf tournament was cancelled.

3) Watched Steve (not literally) get showered and dressed in preparation to work on the kitchen for the day.

4) Told the girls Daddy would buy hay bales today so we could go out on the covered back porch and make a scarecrow.

5) Almost threw up when Steve grilled cheeseburgers and hot dogs at 9:30 this morning because he was hungry and we didn't have any "breakfast food."

6) Steve called my dad right before he left to run to the bank to make sure the tournament was cancelled. Was informed that they were indeed going to play and my dad was leaving to pick Steve up. CRAP!

7) Told Steve if he didn't go buy a hay bale before he left, I'd rip him a new one.

8) Ran to the gas station to hit the ATM (since Steve now needed cash) wearing Pepto Bismol pink sweatpants, black fur-lined clogs, and a T-shirt with no bra because I had to get money ASAP for Steve to go get the hay bale before he left.

9) Came back and realized I needed cigarettes and soda for the day, so I ran back to the gas station so I could go without dragging two children with me. (Still wearing the pink sweats, but threw on a gray hooded sweatshirt and opted for flip-flops.)

10) Was excited to see they had NON-diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, which I hadn't had a chance to try yet.

11) Sent Steve out the door and was instructed that I needed to now go to the bank since he didn't get the chance to go.

12) Threw the girls in the car and ran to the bank and then made a run through the Long John Silver's drive-thru and the Arby's drive-thru.

13) Ordered 4 cheese cups so Grace wouldn't eat all mine.

14) Started stuffing a scarecrow as Hannah kept running off the porch into the cold rain, and Grace tried to do it with one hand in her pocket because she was cold.

15) Got the pants and shirt stuffed and convinced the girls to come inside until later.

16) Was a bit embarrassed when Grace came up with a solution for how to attach the pants to the shirt when I couldn't think of anything.

17) Warned Grace that if she threw a blanket over her head and ran at Hannah, sending Hannah running through the house screaming one more time, I was going to beat the living daylights out of her.

18) Cursed the fact that the baby shower was cancelled, as Grace threw a complete tantrum and chucked her pillow across the room saying she's "never going to lay down again!"

19) Tried the Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, and while very good, pretty much tastes exactly like regular Dr. Pepper. What gives?

20) Considered checking myself into a psych ward when Hannah flipped backwards off her ride-on car, smacking her head on the floor, and starting to screech while Grace simultaneously played her Barbie guitar behind me at the loudest volume possible while headbanging.

21) Felt guilty two minutes later after losing it and freaking out on them.

22) Thanked god for all that is holy when my sister called out of the blue and asked if Grace wanted to sleep over.

23) Decided I had done my duty when I warned her ahead of time that Grace had been rather "challenging" today because she was tired and my sister still wanted to have her over.

24) Breathed a sigh of relief when Hannah asked for Dora chicken noodle soup and I gave her some Cup of Noodle instead (the only thing I had) and she didn't notice.

25) The first beer I cracked open tonight has been one of the best tasting (and most rewarding) beers I've ever had the pleasure of drinking.

26) When Steve got home, we realized that the guy that helped him out on a few jobs last week totally lied to me about what Steve owed him when he came to pick up his cash and I gave him $50 extra of Steve's money. Steve was pissed (at him, not me).

27) Watched the first few minutes of "Tuckerville" and wondered, out of ALL the celebrities in the world, WHY TLC thinks we want to watch Tanya Tucker. Um yeah. Try again.

Highlights of the Day (Friday 10.22.2005)

1) Carried Grace up to bed at 1:30 AM last night to find that Cooter had peed on Grace's bed. So much for blaming Salinger who was still at the vet.

2) Had to strip the bed, throw towels over the wet spot and remake the bed at 1:30. NOT happy!

3) The girls didn't sleep in nearly as late as I would've liked them too.

4) Listened to Hannah cry because she had left her Winnie the Pooh sippy cup at Grandma's house. I told her not to take it with her yesterday. Serves her right. [grumble grumble]

5) Went to WalMart where Grace kept running off and Hannah kept crying to get out of the cart.

6) Bought another waterproof mattress cover for the bed.

7) Ran into my sister at WalMart and listened to Grace cry because she couldn't go with her.

8) Ran into the chick that Steve sat in a hottub naked with 3 years ago. Although she's very nice, I was thrilled beyond belief to see her ass has multiplied in size by about 5 times since I last saw her.

9) Got to the McDonald's drive-thru at 10:27 AM and was informed I couldn't get my bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit because they were now serving lunch. Son of a B*TCH! Settled for chicken nuggets and an order of pancakes they still had left and split it with the girls, who ate pretty much all of it, leaving me with 2 or 3 bites. (Are we noticing a pattern here?)

10) Got home and cleaned as much as my energy level would allow me.

11) Got a call 15 minutes later saying I could come pick Salinger up. Still don't know what's wrong, but they found a little blood in his urine, so he's on antibiotics and penned in the upstairs kitchen/laundry room until the lab results come back.

12) Watched two sweet-looking girls (mine) half destroy the vet's waiting room while I was paying, waiting for them to bring Salinger out, etc.

13) Came home and threw an exhausted two-year-old in her crib, penning a sick cat in the spare room upstairs, pumped him full of antibiotics, and sat down for the first time.

14) Finally received my FedEx delivery. The driver was a large woman with a really bad perm who didn't seem too pleased with me.

15) Contemplated telling her it was the sender who had been calling FedEx and raising hell, but I figured she wouldn't believe me anyway.

16) Figured any future FedEx deliveries will be destroyed by the time they get here.

17) Opened the packages and was taken aback at how beautiful the gifts were.

18) Laughed out loud when I saw they aren't in actual baskets, but in gorgeously ribboned boxes instead. Fantastic.

19) Took Grace to gymnastics and brought home two wired girls who wouldn't settle down. Stupid gymnastics.

20) Found out the baby shower that was the cause of the rush delivery FedEx fiasco has been cancelled. [sigh] Figures.

21) Had both girls sleeping by 9:00, allowing me to wash TLC and all sorts of other sappy Friday night TV shows.

22) Placed an Amazon order for books. I probably won't ever have time to read them, mind you. But at least I can look at them and imagine they're good.

Highlights of the Day (Thursday 10.20.2005)

1) Rushed around like a freak after sending the girls to daycare, so I could get ready and out the door to make it to the office on time for my meeting.

2) Wondered how the hell I used to do that everyday and not hurt myself.

3) On the drive to work, was reminded of why I hated that commute and gained a new understanding for why I was such a miserable bitch when I had to do it everyday.

4) Decided all other drivers except myself suck.

5) Came to the conclusion that the Orbit gum commercials are cute and campy the first time you see each one. But after that, they're just fucking annoying.

6) Bought a salad for lunch at a place that is the salad's version of the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld. There's an assembly line for salads and if you don't know what you want when it's your turn, they get pissed because there's usually about 30 people in line behind you.

7) Watched the little Asian dude that's worked there for years mumble "Fuck" under his breath when he had some great salad catastrophe.

8) Wasn't sure whether to admire the dude for taking his salad mixing job so seriously, or feel sorry for him for um, taking his salad mixing job so seriously.

9) Told one of my project managers that he's a ditzy blonde woman trapped in a man's body.

10) He thought I was kidding and laughed.

11) I wasn't kidding.

12) Decided the new FedEx driver who is supposed to be delivering packages to me at home is either an ex-boyfriend or some random dude that likes to sit in his truck all day and get stoned instead of delivering the packages. Because those two reasons are the only two reasons I can think of for why I'm still waiting for my baskets and keep reading updates on the FedEx website that say, "Can't locate address," and "No one available or business closed."

13) Decided to call FedEx tomorrow and get the bastard fired.

14) Wondered if Steve's a few bricks shy of a full load, because that can be the only explanation as to why he continues to get the girls all wound up and hyper right before bedtime even though I literally yell at him every night when he does it. That has to be it. The man is retarded.

15) Ate crackers with PB and marshmallow fluff as my evening snack and almsot punched Steve in the face when he said, "Wow. You're eating healthy tonight, huh?" Dude, where have you been? This is not something new sweetheart. Perhaps you should be home more often...

16) Got the details on Hannah's first "real haircut" from my mom, who took her after daycare today to her hairdresser. Was proud to find out Hannah sat completely still and was a total champ.

17) Got the details on Grace's haircut too. Um... yeah. Not quite as good. Moving on...

18) Bought the stamps I've been forgetting to go buy for about a week now.

19) Talked to the vet and found out we're still waiting on a urine sample from Salinger before he can come home.

20) Contemplated the finer points of bird flocking. I mean, do they all sit on a wire or in a tree until any one of them flies away for the others to all follow? Or is there a predetermined "leader" that they follow? Do they sit there, always with one eye on the "leader" so they can be flying away in the blink of an eye? Does the leader "tell" the other ones ahead of time that he's about to fly the coop? Or does he just fly away and test to see which ones are watching? Mind bobbling, I tell ya... Mind boggling.

Highlights of the Day (Wednesday 10.19.2005)

1) Woke up and sent both girls off to daycare (without incident), allowing me to enjoy some "quiet time" with my laptop and my coffee without Nick Jr. on in the background and getting up every two seconds to refill sippy cups.

2) Was annoyed when my "quiet time" was cut short because I had to shower and vacuum before the electrician was due to arrive at 9:00 AM.

3) Was annoyed again (not really) when the electrician called at 9:15 and said he was going to be a little late.

4) Laughed when the electrician arrived and we were chatting and he referred to my father-in-law as "The Horny Plumber." Oh so very true...

5) Cleaned cat crap remnants and scents off of various items and surfaces in the home. Damn cat.

6) Put away the 7 loads (literally) of clean laundry I've been avoiding for over a week now.

7) Did absolutely nothing productive in terms of my actual job.

8) Didn't care.

9) Found out I need to be at the office by 9:00 tomorrow morning. So much for enjoying a cup of coffee after sending the girls to school and before leaving for the office.

10) Was thrilled when the electrician said his portion of the job is done (for now) and that Steve can start, "Sheet rocking the shit" out of the kitchen whenever his little heart desires.

11) Forgot to go to the post office to buy Steve a roll of stamps like he's been asking me to do for 3 days now. [sigh]

12) Impatiently waited all day long for my FedEx delivery that was scheduled to arrive.

13) Ate my leftover Long John Silver's and Arby's food for lunch. YUM!

14) Forgot (for the fourth day in a row) to take meat out of the freezer to defrost for dinner.

15) Found out the FedEx guy supposedly couldn't find my house, but I'm convinced the fucker was just too lazy to drive here and went home for the night.

16) Got a takeout cheesesteak with extra cheese for dinner tonight. YUM!

17) Ran to the gas station (per Steve's request) to buy PowerBall tickets for tonight. Was surprised to see a line of 15 people also there to buy PB tickets.

18) Was next in line when it dawned on me that you can only pay for lottery tickets with cash, which I didn't have enough of.

19) Got out of line to walk to the front of the store and retrieve cash from the ATM.

20) Got back in line behind 15 new people.

21) Thought I felt poop in Hannah's diaper as I was rocking her and just as she was about to fall asleep.

22) Wrestled with the decision of whether or not to check her diaper (and therefore waking her) or not.

23) Asked her if she had poop in there and she said yes.

24) Came downstairs and retrieved diaper and wipes and went back upstairs to her room.

25) Undid diaper to find it bone dry with no poop what-so-ever. Dammit.

26) Still managed to have both kids sleeping by the time LOST started.

27) Decided Sawyer really is a perfect human speciman.

28) Remembered to email PowerBall numbers bought for friend in another state to her before the drawing, therefore warding off any possible lawsuits should one of us win this evening.

29) Noticed Salinger straining in the litterbox again tonight and then puking, prompting me to call the vet.

30) Dropped Salinger off at vet for an overnight stay when they're hoping to secure a urine sample.

31) Felt bad for Salinger, but at the same time relieved, knowing I won't find any excrement "surprises" in the morning when I wake up.

Highlights of the Day (Tuesday 10.18.2005)

1) Sent Grace up to daycare and then looked around at the sad state of my house, remembered how much work I have to do for my actual job, realized we have little to no food in the house, and thought about temper-throwing Hannah following me around all day, and physically cringed.

2) Checked on Salinger and realized I'd have to get up there at some point today and clean up all sorts of the stupid cat's bodily fluids. [sigh]

3) Had my mom call me from the daycare at 8:00 AM and ask if I was going to try to take Hannah for her first real haircut, like we had talked about. Yes Mom... in my spare time.

4) Had Hannah eat a ton of green sugar when I wasn't looking (shut up), and when she looked in the mirror, she laughed and said, "I look like Daddy now!"

5) Heated up a piece of pizza for Hannah for lunch. But then I decided I wanted it, so I never told her I had it and ate it before she saw me.

6) Managed to squeeze in about 10 minutes of work before lunchtime. So much for that deadline.

7) Took Hannah outside for an hour before lunch, in an attempt to wear her down so she'd crash hard for her nap after lunch.

8) Apparently sunlight has the same effect as caffeine on her and she wouldn't go to sleep regardless of what I did.

9) Sat here laughing hysterically as I heard her saying all kinds of funny-as-hell over the monitor from her crib.

10) Gave up after 45 minutes and brought her back downstairs.

11) Realized the cat's butt still stank and literally wiped it about 25 times with Hannah's wipes, desperately trying to make him stop smelling so I could stop gagging.

12) Cleaned up the puddle Hannah made when she peed on the floor in front of our shelves of food. (Did I mention I'm a little tired of bodily fluids today?)

13) Remembered I had freaky ass nightmares last night where these guys abducted Steve and I in a parking lot and kept biting our hands and fingers until they finally just shot Steve. Made for quite a good night's sleep, lemme tell ya.

14) Washed 8,345,632 dishes (in the bathroom sink) that had been scattered throughout the home.

15) Threw away one container crusted with old food because it wasn't worth the effort it would've taken to actually get it clean enough to eat food out of it again.

16) Drank a beer at 2:30. (Yes, the day was that bad.)

17) Hannah took a 5-minute nap in the car from our house to Giant on our way out to my parents to pick up Grace. Yeah, NOW is not the time ya little shit.

18) Grabbed a few groceries and totally forgot all of the things I went there for to begin with.

19) Because of this, I am drinking beer out of a Care Bears cup again tonight.

20) Got fast food for dinner yet again because I was starving, my day had sucked, I was exhausted, and the thought of coming home and making something was making me cry.

21) Was smart enough (this time) to buy Grace her own chicken planks meal at Long John Silver's.

22) She ate all of the cheese I had gotten for my Arby curly fries instead. Seriously. One day I'll get to eat my own food again...

23) Put Hannah to bed at 7:30.

24) Started praying to god she'd sleep through the night.

25) Found out the electrician is coming tomorrow morning at 9:00. Yeah... suuurrrre you are buddy. We've heard that before. (He said he waited because he knew the kids wouldn't be around tomorrow.)

26) Due to the fact that I have to go into the office on Thursday for all day meetings, realized that this week will once again pass with no time for me to sit in my house alone and vegetate the way borderline psychotics need to do to keep from going over the edge.

Highlights of the Day (Monday 10.17.2005)

1) Woke up and realized I only had 90 minutes before the electrician was due to show up.

2) Tried to sneak upstairs while the girls were engrossed in "Baby Einsteins", but Hannah came up and started picking summer seer sucker dresses out of her closet to wear. Don't think so sweetheart. It's a little too cold today for that.

3) Watched Hannah throw a tantrum when the shirt she finally did pick wouldn't fit over her head.

4) Managed to get her dressed.

5) Sent Grace upstairs to get dressed and she came down in shorts and a long-sleeved T-shirt. Hey, it works for me.

6) Watched Hannah threw a computer keyboard across the living room. Good arm, kid.

7) Read my work email and found out they want a rough draft of an entire user's guide by tomorrow. Looks like I'll be up late tonight.

8) Did whatever I could to take my morning um, bathroom break, before the electrician showed up.

9) The electrician never showed up. Bastard.

10) The girls and I had hot chocolate and microwave popcorn for lunch. Awesome.

11) Was thrilled to find out Steve won last week's football pool and I won this week's.

12) Was bummed to find out I tied with two other girls this week and will only receive $8.66.

13) Remembered that mine AND Steve's winnings will be sent to MY PayPal address, so really, I won two weeks in a row. ;)

14) Tried hard not to laugh when I heard Hannah crying in the next room and went in to find out, "Gracie knocked me over and spanked my butt." When asked WHY she would do that, Grace said, "Because I told her if I heard one more noise, I was going to spank her butt. And then she made another noise."

15) Let the girls run around like total idiots in the empty kitchen, playing with big long tubes of soft pipe insulation that my father-in-law left here. This had a double motive. One, I was in no mood to take them outside because it's cold and windy and I didn't feel like pushing them in the swings. And two, I figured it would burn off more energy than watching TV would, perhaps making them go to bed earlier.

16) When Grace then showed me how Hannah had ripped holes in one of the pieces, I took them away, put them back where they had been, and told them not to tell their father. Yup. Stellar mom moment, lemme tell ya.

17) Conversation with Grace:

[She was using a spray bottle filled with water and paper towels to "clean" the windows in the house.]
Grace [talking to herself]: "I have a mean brother that makes me do all the work."
Me: "A brother? You have a brother?"
Grace: "Yes. He's mean. And his name is Blue. And he doesn't talk. He just goes [insert shrieking noise here]."

Alrighty then.

18) Drank my beer out of a plastic Care Bears cup because we were out of disposable cups. This disturbs me for some reason.

19) Had a knock down drag out fight with Grace after she wouldn't listen when I told her to stop doing something and she accidentally bent my finger back, making it swell up. Sent her to her room after threatening her life. She laughed in my face.

20) Felt guilty two minutes later and went up, gave her a lecture, and sent her back downstairs.

21) Felt like an ass when Steve commented, "Oh yeah. She'll learn. She had to sit in her room for a whopping thirty seconds. Way to teach her a lesson." Shut up jackass. I HATE when I lose my cool like I did and mommy guilt is far worse than daddy guilt. Bite me.

22) I hate when he's right.

23) Managed to polish off an entire can of Pringles. [oink.]

24) I would, again, like to thank the makers of new Reynold's Crockpot Liners. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

25) Officially declared "How I Met Your Mother" as my new favorite sitcom.

26) Was rather pleased with myself when I noticed Salinger was having his typical constipation symptoms again and I managed to pen him in our upstairs kitchen/laundry room for the night before he peed and crapped on everything in the house (including Steve's bed).

27) Realized I haven't seen our other cat at all today and that's strange. Hmmm...

Son of a BITCH!!!!

I just wrote out my entire Highlights list for today and when I went to Publish it, I got an error message. It turns out I had accidentally disconnected the wire from my modem to my laptop and I lost my connection. There's no way in hell I'm typing it out again. So in summary...

I got to sleep in this morning, Hannah drove me up a wall, my father-in-law ran most of the plumbing for the kitchen, I realized the benefit of children when Grace vacuumed out my car for me, I totally forgot the electrician is coming back tomorrow morning (which means a lot of cleaning up in the morning before he gets here), and the Steelers pissed me off.

Yup. That about sums it up. Off to bed...

Highlights of the Day (Saturday 10.15.2005)

1) Woke up and saw, for the first time in over a week, the SUN. It was fantastic.

2) Took the girls out to my parents' house so Steve and I could go to his cousin's wedding.

3) Came home and shoveled food down my throat (we were running late) as FOUR seperate people came to visit us for various reasons. Seriously people, of all the days....

4) As I put on my mother-in-law's dress, string of pearls, pearl drop earrings, and did my hair in an upsweep, I shook my head and wondered what the hell had happened to me.

5) Put on my new 4" heels and realized that hell would freeze over before I wore those suckers all day and all night long.

6) Put on an old pair of shoes instead.

7) Looked down and saw my pantyhose-clad feet in my open toed shoes with only the big toenail on each foot partially painted in fuscia (courtesy of Grace) and realized that there was at least a little bit of my redneck ways still shining through, and that I really was staying true to myself at least somewhat.

8) Had Steve struggling with every ounce of his being not to laugh out loud during the wedding ceremony while I made fun of the groom. I suck.

9) Went to the reception hall where I became fascinated with the chocolate fountain and stood there just holding random things under it just for kicks. Never did eat 'em...

10) Had Steve tell me 10 minutes after I had finished eating that I had big smears of chocolate all over my chin. Thanks for telling me before I got up and walked to the restroom babe. You're a real pal.

11) Walked out on a balcony at one point to smoke, where Steve's mom and aunt met me and starting farting like it was their job and had me laughing so hard, I almost peed in my pants.

12) Watched as every single table around us was served their food as we sat there ravenous.

13) Became irritated when the prime rib they served the entire table was literally half raw (if not completely) and made me want to vomit.

14) Laughed my ass off (literally) when I let a really bad silent but deadly fart rip while standing at the bar talking to Steve's cousin and a guy I graduated from high school with.

15) Patted myself on the back when they smelled it, started laughing about it, and I played dumb and convinced them it was that girl in the black dress standing next to me.

16) Laughed inwardly when I joked about being a bitch and two seperate guys said there's no way because I'm happy all the time. Baaahaaahaaa! Surely, they jest.

17) Was pleasantly surprised when Steve happened to walk up during the conversation and I said, "Steve, Please tell them I'm a bitch. They don't believe me," and he said, "No. You're not a bitch at all."

18) Was relieved to see our relationship was still on track when he added, "Nah. You just whine a lot."

19) Didn't know whether to laugh or cry when my mother-in-law stank up the car so bad on the ride home, we had to open our windows. (What was with our asses tonight?)

20) Told them all that the one thing I never worried about was not being classy enough for their family.

21) Decided tonight, out of the blue, and for reasons I'm not sure of, that I think I want another baby. Weird shit, lemme tell you because I really do feel "done."

22) Made a deal with Steve that if I have a useable kitchen in my house by Christmas Day, I'd lose weight and quit smoking.

23) Wasn't sure whether to laugh or kick him when he said (and I quote), "Oh, I don't care about the smoking. Just lose the weight." Niiiice!

Highlights of the Day (Friday 10.14.2005)

1) Woke up and immediately checked my bank account online to find that I did, indeed, finally get paid. My day was instantly good.

2)Paid a few bills online and ordered the girls a bunch of clothing before Hannah even woke up. Money is good.

3) Threw the girls in the car and went to WalMart.

4) Was mortified when we walked past the bra department and Hannah pointed at them and yelled, "You have boobies at home, Mommy!"

5) Was thrilled to find Grace a pair of jeans that fit. It wasn't until I got home that I looked at the tag and saw that it said "Capris." Oh well, You can't tell and until the child's waist size starts to match the average height of a child that wears that waist size, we'll take what we can get.

6) Went across the street to PayLess where the girls each got a new pair of shoes and I got 2 pairs.

7) Realized at that point that I may be going a little hog wild with the paycheck.

8) Took the girls to McDonald's for lunch. Feeling brave, I actually took them into McDonald's instead of going through the drive-thru like I normally do.

9) Was pleasantly surprised at their behavior (and appetites) and thought, "Hey, this isn't so bad."

10) Decided my initial instinct was right was Hannah started yelling at the top of her lungs... "STINKY BUTT! STINKY BUTT! YOU'VE GOT A STINKY BUTT!", which sent Grace into a laughing fit.

11) Wanted to yell at her so badly, but really couldn't do anything but laugh as I saw the old man next to us start chuckling.

12) Wondered if perhaps they weren't as well-behaved as I thought when the guy said, "Wow. It looks like you have your hands full," with a smile. I wanted to say, "Ya think? I kind of think they're being pretty good today." LOL!

13) Took Grace to gymnastics where Fatigue Man from last week looked at me and said, "No price tags on your pants tonight?" Yeah. Real funny dude. Thanks for remembering. (Actually, it was funny, but still...)

14) Was annoyed when I got Long John Silver's takeout for Steve and I after gymnastics class and when I got it home, Grace ate over half of mine. I had asked her if she wanted anything and she had said no. What is with these kids eating my damn food all the time?

15) Was pleasantly surprised when all other people in the house were asleep by 8:30 PM. I must've done something right today.

16) Was thrilled when my mother-in-law called and said Steve and I can drive with them to the wedding and reception tomorrow, meaning he and I don't have to argue about who's staying sober and driving us home.

Highlights of the Day (Thursday 10.13.2005)

1) Woke up and was simultaneously excited and annoyed the electrician was coming.

2) Sat around on my butt for two hours this morning and then ran around like a crazy lady cleaning up before the electrician arrived.

3) Remembered having quite, um, "erotic" dreams last night about Sawyer from "Lost".

4) Wasn't sure if that was pathetic or a sign of my healthy libido. Probably a little of both...

5) Had to send the newly found Pooh turtleneck to school with Hannah so she could put it on at Grandma's house after they get home from daycare. (It was a compromise because she wanted to wear it to school after wearing it all day yesterday and to bed last night. [sigh])

6) Congratulated myself that I remembered today was show and tell day as my mom was pulling out of the driveway, and managed to stop them and hand Grace the Halloween book she was supposed to take. Yay me!

7) Knew the electrician and I were going to get along just fine when within 10 minutes of meeting me, made reference to some guy being a "fucking asshole."

8) Was totally bummed out when we were looking at the final designs with the new changes and I realized the designer has taken out the beloved appliance garage I was so looking forward to.

9) Blamed Steve for #8 because HE wanted the cabinet above it changed from a lazy susan to just standard shelves and the designer must have misunderstood and took out the appliance garage too. [heavy sigh]

10) Realized I have absolutely no evidence to back up #9, but it sounds like something I can throw in his face later, so I'm going to run with it.

11) Sat here at my computer most of the day because I didn't want to just sit around while the electrician worked, and I also didn't want to eat in front of him since I had nothing to really offer him.

12) Squeezed my butt cheeks together for about 2 hours, waiting for the electrician to leave so I could um, "do my business". There's no WAY he wouldn't have heard me in the bathroom, so I just waited it out.

13) Realized I was probably causing permanent intestinal damage, but I didn't care. The electrician does not need to hear me fart. LOL!

14) Had a beer with my mini raviolis at lunchtime because there was absolutely nothing else here to drink.

15) Stood and ate about 7 spoonfuls of grape Kool-Aid powder out of the container. I'd tell you why I did it, but I'm still not sure myself. It was good though...

16) That means my total food intake for today was: two TastyKakes (cupcakes), 2 Reese's PB cups, 2 KitKats, a tiny can of mini Raviolis, 2 frozen waffles, and beer. Yup. I'm going to live to be 100.

17) Realized that Hannah's Terrible Two's had reached epic proportions when she took a bite of a KitKat and had a complete meltdown because (and I quote), "My chocolate is too loud! WAHHHH!" [rolling eyes]

Today's X-Rated Email...

Love just might be around the corner:D
A friend showed me this place, where people will do anything to get laid:D
Don't go on pointless dates or buy stupid flowers, just all the action you could ever want. Some of them even want something more serious. So whatever floats your boat, you'll love it:)

Sounds nice, no?

Things That Annoy Me...

1) Those people who feel that turn signals are optional. I cannot read minds people!

2) Those people who do use their turn signals, but not until they're actually already making the turn. (Note to those people: The turn signal is supposed to give me a warning. Warning me as you're already performing the action, really does me no good.)

3) Banks. Banks in general annoy me. Crooked bastards.

4) Exercise fiends annoy me. And people that eat only healthy food. Knock it off people, will ya?

5) Two-year-olds who think they can eat ALL of the mini meatballs out of their mom's Chef Boy-R-Dee spaghettios, when they should know that the meatballs are their mom's favorite part of the meal.

6) Things that don't match. Everything in this world should match. Like one big Garanimals world.

7) People who make lists like this and then feel the need to "balance it out" by listing an equal number of things they love. I want to smack those people. Just bitch and let it go.

8) The oh-so-pleasant girl that waited on me at the ice cream shop the other night. It's called a smile. You should really give it a whirl sometime. I swear it's not that much work...

9) All of the old people that keep giving my mother-in-law cheap crap that they've "found" in their attic/basement/garage, and thought maybe Grace would like it. It eventunally ends up at our house. And I'm afraid that you're wrong... I do NOT want a "basket" made out of plastic craft mesh and orange and black yarn. I am sure you worked on it for hours, but it's really not my cup of tea, ma'am. Next time just burn it.

10) Cats that piss on our beds.

11) That taste that lingers in your mouth for DAYS after you've eaten a Dorito.

12) Food where the packaging says "Sugar Free" in really tiny letters on the box, causing me buy disgusting saccharen-filled crap by accident and then eating the god-awful shit just because I feel guilty throwing so much food away.

13) People who think their cars are soooo fabulous, that they have to right to purposely park on the line dividing two parking spots (or parking sideways) so that no one can park right next to them and accidentally ding their precious car. Pretentious bastards.

14) The food that keeps getting stuck in my cracked tooth.

15) Husbands who are so anal retentive that they're even anal about their actual anal area.

16) Paperwork. Paper work really annoys me. Especially when it's not MY paperwork and is for some random insurance company/workman's compensation/unemployment/government/tax crap that I have to fill out for my husband because otherwise it won't get done and/or get done right.

17) People who change the channel when a commercial comes on and then gets engrossed in another show and by the time they flip back to the first show, it's already been back on for a minute or two. I HATE that, dammit!

Highlights of the Day (Wednesday 10.12.2005)

1) Was pleasantly surprised when Hannah slept until 8:30. I had to get up at 6:00 to get Grace ready for daycare and send her off, but at least I had some time to drink a few cups of coffee before Hannah woke up, begging me for juice and throwing tantrums because I put it in the wrong cup.

2) Was thrilled when she finally did wake up and wasn't nearly as sick as yesterday.

3) Kicked myself when I opened a tub of Grace's hand-me-downs and Hannah spotted (and insisted on wearing) an UGLY Winnie-the-Pooh turtleneck onesie with pastel striped leggings.

4) Took her to the vet and to Burger King looking like that because I just don't care anymore.

5) Ate chicken fries for lunch. YUM!

6) Did a happy dance when there was a message from the electrician saying he wants to come here tomorrow morning and run the wiring in the kitchen. Baby steps...

7) Decided Steve really does need therapy when he told me I wasn't going to be "allowed" to use the new kitchen AT ALL once the cabinets and countertops are in until he gets a chance to also tile the backsplash too because he doesn't want water getting on the wall. Sure Steve... Whatever you say dude. (Seriously, the man really has issues. What exactly did he think I was planning on doing? Hosing down the countertops? ASS!)

8) Also told me he didn't want me to use yellow paint in the kitchen because (and I quote), "The room upstairs is yellow." Yes Steve. And the kitchen is downstairs. And the room to which you're referring is Grace's bedroom that you go into maybe once a month. What the hell is wrong with this guy? I swear I'm now painting it yellow just to spite him.

9) Realized after the above conversations that Steve is slowly turning into my father-in-law, and frankly, that scares me. [shudder]

10) Went to my mother-in-law's and actually found a dress of hers to wear and it doesn't look even remotely "old lady like".

11) Realized halfway home that the kitchen plans I had taken with me to fax to the granite company for a countertop estimate were still lying on her kitchen table and I need them here for the electrician tomorrow.

12) Ran back to my mother-in-law's (with the girls) around dinner time to pick up the plans and visit for a bit.

13) Came home, gave the girls a bath (during which I swear to god, I thought they were going to accidentally drown each other), and realized Hannah had left "Soshie" (her name for her little silk blanket) at my mother-in-law's.

14) Contemplated not bringing it up and hoping she wouldn't notice at bedtime (yeah right), when she looked at me and said, "I forgot Soshie at Nana's," while pouting.

15) Went back to my mother-in-law's at 8:00 to retrieve the stupid "Soshie".

16) In reflecting upon the fact that in the past week, 7 lightbulbs in two of our rooms and my passenger side headlight of my car have all burned out, decided that I must have some sort of weird cosmic or magnetic energy in me or something causing weird lightbulb issues.

17) Conversation with Grace during the girls' bathtub wrestling this evening:

Me: "Stop it."
Grace: "No."
Me: "Fine. One of you is going to hit your head, and when you do, don't come crying to me."
[Two seconds later, Grace hits her head.]
Me: "See? I told you so."
Grace: "Yeah. But I didn't cry, so I win and you can't yell."

18) Realized that there had to have been about a billion times in my adolescent and teenage years where I swore I would never say, "Don't come crying to me..." when I had kids of my own. Dammit.

19) Had Steve "remind me" on his way up to bed that I may want to move the toys in the basement off to the side in the morning to make room for the electrician.

20) Reminded him that if he started paying attention when I, ya know, spoke, he'd know that HOURS earlier I had told him that after the girls leave for daycare in the morning, I was going to move the toys in the basement off to the side to make room for the electrician.

Highlights of the Day (Tuesday 10.11.2005)

1) Was amazed when Hannah woke me up this morning and I glanced at the clock and it was 9:00!!!!

2) All giddiness turned to sadness though when I realized she had a fever and probably contracted Grace's strep. [sigh]

3) Gave a silent prayer for the pediatrician who had given me a prescription for antibiotics for her "just in case" she ended up showing symptoms.

4) Pumped Hannah with Advil and took her on a prescription-filling, appliance-choosing adventure where she was quite the trooper, thank god.

5) Wrote the first check for our kitchen remodel. Depressing and yet thrilling at the same time.

6) Bought an iced mocha cappacino while out and about. It's the little things that can brighten a day...

7) Realized Hannah had reached her breaking point and came home, pumped her full of meds, and put her to bed for what ended up being a 3.5 hour nap.

8) Told myself I wasn't waking Hannah up because she was sick and needed the sleep, when in reality, it was because I was relishing the quiet time with no one else awake in the house.

9) Was in quite a funk today due to the lack of sleep (because I was up until 2:00 AM talking to a friend on the phone), the crappy gray weather, and just feeling overwhelmed from everything I had to get done today.

10) Almost ripped my hair out this evening due to the girls being out of control (apparently Hannah felt better).

11) Smoked and drank beer instead.

12) Am bummed because I'm keeping Hannah home from daycare tomorrow since I'm not sure if she'll feel better by then. I know that sounds horrible, and of course, I'd never send her if she wasn't feeling well. But Wednesdays and Thursdays when both girls go to daycare are what helps me stay sane every week. But I'll be OK. [heavy sigh]

13) Realized that stay-at-home moms that never get a break from their kids really do deserve medals.

14) Had Steve ask me what the mysterious iVillage charge was on his credit card this month. DOH!

15) Stumbled an explanation, blamed it on automatic subscription renewel (true), and quickly walked away.

16) Realized that I really have no clue what appliances I picked (and am now committed to since the cabinet cutouts will match exactly), how much they're going to cost, and if they do what I want them to.

17) Decided I didn't care as long as I have a kitchen with appliances.

18) Talked to a lady at the granite company for a good 30 minutes, with only about 10 of those minutes being about granite. Apparently, she's as big a gabber as I am.

19) Had my mother-in-law invite me over to her house this week to see if I want to wear one of her nice outgrown dresses to Steve's cousin's wedding this weekend. I asked her if they were something "older people" would wear and she said no. Not sure if I believe her...

20) Am a bit disturbed that I'm actually going to go to her house to check them out just because I truly don't have anything to wear, and don't want to buy anything.

21) Also told my sister I'll be coming to raid her closet. I'm kind of thinking she's my better bet. ;)

Highlights of the Day (Monday 10.10.2005)

1) Woke up and found a piece of my tooth broken off and in my mouth. What the hell?

2) Was a bit bummed to see it's still raining. Four days straight of two children stuck in the house makes for very hyper children (and a very messy house).

3) Wondered how the hell I'm going to entertain these kids all day. And then had a mild panic attack when I thought about the fact that we'll be stuck inside like this the majority of the winter too. [shudder]

4) Walked across the street in my pajamas while smoking a cigarette this morning because I realized we never checked out mail on Saturday. I'm such a classy lady.

5) Managed to procrastinate and not do a single damn productive thing all morning. [sigh]

6) Was pleasantly surprised to get a call from the kitchen guy and found out the last minute changes we made are going to make our total about $1200 less than before. SWEET!

7) Was somewhat relieved to find out Grace would be sleeping over at my mom's house tonight. Not because she's any trouble and not that I won't miss her. But the Steelers are on tonight and it'll be nice to be able to watch them from the beginning without worrying about that whole bedtime routine thing.

8) Thanked Nick Jr. for running a Diego marathon all morning. Occupied kids make for a happy mom. ;)

9) Thought the apocolypse was coming when, on several occasions, walked outside and there were literally about a thousand birds sitting in the trees around our house, all chirping and singing and yelling at the same time. I still don't know what the hell was going on. A birdie conferance perhaps?

10) Ate chips for lunch. Yup. Healthiness is my middle name.

11) Contemplated what to do when I made Chef Boy-R-Dee mini shells with meatballs and Hannah wanted the meatballs. All of the meatballs. The meatballs are my favorite part and the primary reason I even eat them. Do I give the child who barely eats my meatballs, knowing the fact that she's eating at all is good? Or do I tell her no and eat them myself, savoring every last bite?

12) I gave them to her and although pleased that she ate, I was pissed that I didn't get any.

13) Was thrilled when Steve told me we were getting hot wings for the Steelers game tonight. YEEHAW!!!!!!!!!

14) Was simultaneously happy and annoyed when Steve cleaned the tap and the hoses for our beer fridge. OK dude. I've been telling you for months now that they needed to be cleaned and you didn't do it. But tonight, the first night you want some beer out of the keg, you clean it. Fucker.

15) Almost threw up when Steve told me (while eating) that when he cleaned the hoses and tap, that it was "beyond mold" and totally disgusting. Thanks dude. Thanks a lot.

16) Laughed my ass off when Hannah asked Steve to do her hair and he did. He swears it looked great and that he'd take her out in public without a second thought. OK buddy. Whatever you say. What you can't see in this picture is the half-assed ponytail that's completely crooked at the back of her head, and the fact that the hair hanging down around her face is the ONLY hair hanging down and not in the ponytail. And yes, there's only one barrette in her hair. [shaking head]

Highlights of the Day (Sunday 10.09.2005)

1) Woke up to a pot of coffee already brewed. Good boy, Steve! ;)

2) Was rushed out the door by Steve to go look at appliances. I'm sorry dear. Maybe you think getting home to make your bullets is important. The rest of us, however, don't really give a shit and don't feel like running around like idiots while you bark orders at us to hurry up.

3) Ate at Applebee's after the Lowe's visit, where I dined on a fabulous appetizer sampler and a steak with shrimp on top, smothered with cheese and garlic. Dear god it was good...

4) Managed to get two other people to tell Steve that stainless steel appliances is indeed the way to go. Slowly but surely...

5) Was simultaneously freaked out, saddened, excited, proud, and sentimental when my mom discovered that Grace's two bottom front teeth are loose. She can't be losing her teeth already. She's too little. [sniff sniff]

6) Took Hannah to my parents' house today in Grace's WAY too large water shoes. Because they were blue and they matched her outfit. And her white sneakers with the pink hearts didn't. God forbid. [rolling eyes]

7) Realized that on days when I don't have my kids here for the majority of it, very little happens, it's a rather boring day, and it makes for crappy blog entries. ;)

Highlights of the Day (Saturday 10.08.2005)

1) Of ALLLL the mornings for the girls to sleep in semi-late, it just had to the morning we had an appointment with the kitchen guy and so we all had to rush around and get dressed so we could get out the door.

2) This wouldn't have been bad if I'd been able to have a cup of coffee before we left. I hate that.

3) Was rather surprised at how quickly (for us), we managed to choose our cabinet color, door style, and hardware.

4) Was inwardly giddy when I managed to replace a regular cabinet with a built-in wine rack in the final kitchen design. I don't even drink that much wine, but damn do they look cool.

5) Argued with Steve upon leaving our cabinet selection adventure because I didn't call a different granite place this past week. Excuse me asswipe, but you told me to find the number. You, at no point, told me to actually call that number. And if I had called that number, I wouldn't have known what to say, because I'm a little unsure as to why we're all of sudden going to check out granite prices on our own instead of going through the kitchen place like I thought we were. Bite me.

6) Got sopping wet about, oh, a billion times today just in walking to and from the car. Apparently, god has parted the heavens and we're supposed to building an ark. But in looking at how long the kitchen has taken, I'm thinking we'll drown before that ark is built.

7) Went to my mother-in-law's for hot wings, potato skins, and cake to celebrate Steve's stepdad's birthday.

8) Didn't leave their house until a time the girls are normally both in bed. Yup... because two kids who have just eaten cake, ice cream, and a bazillion freezie pops are going to go right to bed. Uh huh.

Highlights of the Day (Friday 10.07.2005)

1. Had Hannah wake up at the ass crack of dawn, after I had gone to bed at an ungodly hour. [sigh]

2. Watched my two children fight incessantly for the first hour they were both awake.

3. Had Hannah pee on the kitchen floor because she refused to get dressed and was running around naked.

4. Grace threw a piece of her play kitchen toast and nailed me right in the forehead, which hurt like a son of a bitch and caused me to get a headache.

5. Heard Grace ask Hannah, "What's shakin', bacon?" What the hell?

6. Was amazed at how a large box can entertain two children for literally hours.

7. Wasn't sure whether to laugh, cry, or seek therapy for her when Hannah ended up in a dress worn backwards (so she could see the buttons that are supposed to be down the back), a skirt underneath the dress, too small shoes, and sunglasses. She even took her nap in all of it.

8. Was selfishly bummed when I called the kitchen guy to set up an appointment to finally pick the cabinets tomorrow and he told me he had to get back to me because he may have a funeral tomorrow. (I suck.)

9. Was thrilled when the kitchen guy called back and said we can indeed, come in tomorrow morning and make our choices.

10. Realized after Grace "accidentally" spilled grape Kool-Aid across the entire "kitchen", that I should probably pay more attention to what the girls were doing. But I was too tired to care.

11. Wanted to beat Steve's ass when I finally got the girls calmed down (I think they've been meeting up with their crack dealer again) and he walked in early from work and got them completely wired again. Assmunch.

12. Had a dad in fatigues at Grace's gymnastics class tell me (very nicely) that I had a $20.00 sticker on my ass and that he wasn't trying to be gross, but he figured I'd want to know.

13. I made some remark about it being the new trend and made Grace take it off my ass.

14. Beamed with pride when three seperate moms told me that they noticed how very good Grace is at gymnastics. (She really is.)

15. Was annoyed when at the end of class, they handed the girls books with $40+ metallic and glittery bodysuits for sale, prompting all of the girls to beg their moms for one. Yeah. Because the $8.00 ones at WalMart certainly aren't good enough for 4-year-olds.

16. Was happy that I'm starting to talk to some of the other mothers on a regular basis, and that I may actually make some real-life friends with kids the same age. Dare I dream?

17. Can't figure out why everytime today when I told Hannah not to do something, she said, "But I'm just doing like the dolphins do." Um, huh? First of all, what's the sudden fascination with dolphins? And second of all, I'm pretty sure that dolphins do NOT put bottle caps in their mouths and lean over the porch railing. Of course, I could be wrong...

18. Revisited all of the feelings in #7 when Hannah insisted on taking her bike helmet to bed with her tonight. She's not wearing it mind you, but she is snuggling it like it's the softest, squishiest teddy bear you ever did see.

Highlights of the Day (Thursday 10.06.2005)

1) Sent the girls off to daycare and did a little happy dance. Not because they were leaving. But because in three short hours, the kitchen guy was coming and that made me happy.

2) Found myself trying to make sure the bowl I packed in Hannah's lunch was going to match her dress because I didn't want her flipping out at school when everything didn't match.

3) Realized that she's slowly sucking me into her color-coordinated, anal-retentive world and I'm not sure how I feel about that, but I don't think it's good.

4) Had Grace's godfather show up this morning at 6:30 AM to pick up Steve's backpack to take on a hunting trip this weekend. Yeah. Because I'm the picture of beauty at that hour in no bra and bedhead. Not that I care if he sees me like that, but it is a little disconcerting. Especially since he's married to a perfect little Barbie doll.

5) Had a Krispy Kreme for breakfast. Mmmm....

6) Am cautiously optimistic after meeting with the kitchen guy this morning that I may have a kitchen (or at least the cabinets) by Christmas. Dare I dream?

7) Ate my weight in Pringles potato chips for lunch. I'm not winning any healthy eating awards... that's for sure.

8) Organized all of our videos and DVDs in an attempt to avoid working. It's amazing how much less space those things take up when they're actually in their appropriate boxes and cases.

9) Went nuts with my new bottle of Pledge multi-surface spray. Good stuff...

10) Managed to finish and send off the document I was supposed to be finishing up today. Well, sort of. It'll do. ;)

11) Had Grace's godfather show up at 9:30 tonight, with me wearing the same clothing I had on this morning... my PJs. Seriously, what is with this guy?

Today's X-rated Email...

Want to find somebody to have se-x with right now? Find a female (or male) friend that just wants to f-uck! There are also a few who want a serious relationship though. So if you want a long-termer, or a one-nighter, you got it ;) Whatever floats your boat pretty much!

Someone really thinks I want/need to get laid, huh?

Highlights of the Day (Wednesday 10.05.2005)

1) Shuffled both girls off to daycare, but wasn't that relieved since I had to trek to the office today.

2) While driving there, wondered out loud how the hell I drove that far to and from work everyday and didn't shoot myself.

3) Found a great oldies station in the car and jammed out to "Jump (For My Love)" by the Pointer Sisters and songs by Loggins and Messina, and Bread. Yup. I'm cool.

4) Just spent 20 minutes trying to find the damn name of the song by the Pointer Sisters.

5) Was rather disturbed when Steve told me this morning that I should pick up deordorant for him when I went grocery shopping that night. And that I should get him the same kind that I use (Secret). And the same scent, since he's been using mine for days and really likes it. [shaking head]

6) Managed to get some work done at work. (Imagine that.)

7) Showed my project manager my progress during a meeting and she was "impressed" with how far I've gotten. (Um, yeah. If only she knew....)

8) Decided that I simply cannot go grocery shopping with Steve ever again. It's so aggrevating that it literally puts me in a bad mood the rest of the night. Dude, it should not take you 25 minutes in the produce aisle. And they're fucking crackers for the love of god. How long can it possibly take you to pick a box? Jesus...

9) Was disturbed yet again when Steve informed me that while he was in the aisle looking for the deordorant he wanted, a woman asked him if he realized he was looking at and sniffing the women's deordorants. He told her "yes" and that he was getting one "for his wife." Lying bastard. If you're going to be a gaywad and wear women's hygiene products, then at least 'fess up about it when confronted.

10) Hand-washed Hannah's pooh bear jammies and threw them in the dryer after she managed to drip an entire popsicle down the front of them about 10 minutes after putting them on. I knew if I didn't have those suckers ready when it was time to take her up to bed, all hell would break loose.

11) Realized it's a sad day when a 24-lb. two-year-old can scare me enough to have me handwashing pajamas in the sink at 8:30 at night. [sigh]

Email Just Received at My Work Address...

CONFIRMATION: We are pleased to inform you that we have located a few girls
within a couple miles of your location that are willing to meet with you (some wish to meet discreetly ;-)
Please be advised that this is NOT your typical dating service, privacy is of the upmost concern and your satisfaction & discretion is top priority.

Um, that sounds interesting. If only I were into chicks and stuff... ;)

Highlights of the Day (Tuesday 10.04.2005)

1) Both children slept through the night. It's amazing what a full night's sleep can do for a person.

2) Was thrilled to see Grace was quickly getting back to "normal" after a few doses of medicine.

3) Bribed the children with the promise of a gas station trip for slushees if they'd just stay quiet and NOT talk to me during a 10-minute phone conversation I needed to have with a guy at the office.

4) Was admittedly a bit bummed when they actually listened to me and I had to actually take them to get the slushees.

5) Kitchen Guy is coming at 10:00 AM on Thursday to take final measurements so we can order the cabinets. Words cannot describe the pure joy I feel about this.

6) Took the garbage out to the end of the driveway for tomorrow morning's pickup... while carrying Hannah. (This is normally Steve's "job.")

7) Was slightly annoyed when Steve said nothing about it until I made a sarcastic remark later this evening.

8) Forgave him since he seemed genuinely sorry he didn't mention it and genuinely thrilled that I had done it.

9) Had afternoon sex. Afternoon sex makes me laugh.

10) Hannah discovered this evening that she's a girl. Apparently, braids in your hair are what make you a girl.

11) Made delicious pork chops in my crockpot. (Are you reading this Katherine? Get out your damn crockpot and make some damn food, will ya?)

12) Set up a meeting in the office tomorrow. Yeah. Because that commute is really something I'm looking forward to. [sigh]

13) Realized I should either do some actual work or get my ass to bed if I don't want to look like a complete fool at this meeting tomorrow.

MIA...

Sorry gang. I've got a sick kid with strep, a shitload of work (for my job) that I can't seem to get done, a house that looks like a tornado swept through it, and a healthy two-year-old who seems to think that tantrums are the only form of communication these days. I'll resume normal life tomorrow (if I'm lucky).

Highlights of the Day (Saturday 10.01.2005)

1) Got very little sleep last night due to an ass-kicking cold Grace has contracted, causing her to wake throughout the night because she couldn't breathe.

2) Hannah had meltdown #1 at 6:30 AM this morning when she asked to be changed out of her Pooh jammies and into her lime green track suit, only to decide immediately that she was just kidding, and wanted the jammies back on, to which I refused.

3) Was followed by about 250 more meltdowns throughout the day.

4) Dropped the girls off at my parents' house and came home to find Steve working on the kitchen wearing work jeans, a tool belt and no shirt, with sawdust in his hair.

5) Told him I felt like I just walked into a bad porno.

6) Went to look at appliances and upon arriving home and doing some math, realized that we may not have enough money for such useless things like appliances. I mean, who needs 'em anyway, right? We've got a cooler and a George Foreman grill. It's all good...

7) Contemplated offering the electrician some sexual favors when he comes to rough in the kitchen, in exchange for a cheaper bill. (Therefore enabling us to purchase appliances.)

8) Changed my mind when Steve informed me the guy is like 60+ years old and practically retired.

9) Did absolutely nothing productive today what-so-ever, unless you count researching slate floor tiles online as "productive."

10) Didn't feel one bit guilty about that.

11) The four of us ate ice cream sundaes for dinner. Ya know... because we're health nuts like that.

12) Steve bought long-neck bottles of beer this evening. What is up with that?

13) Decided that sleep is overrated.

14) Just decided now, as I'm about to hit the "Publish Post" button, that I'm going to heat up and eat my leftover Chicken Selects from last night. Because 11:27 PM is a fine time to dine on deep fried crap with spicy sauce.

ETA at 11:59PM, for those of you that are wondering... yes, I did indeed just eat my Chicken Selects. How am I not 800 pounds?

Highlights of the Day (Friday 9.30.2005)

1) Grace woke up this morning in a good mood. (Always a plus.)

2) Hannah woke up an hour later in an equally good mood. (Both of them? On the same day? Holy shit! Hell has frozen over!)

3) My bliss was erased 30 minutes later when Hannah had a tantrum about her wardrobe again and the fact that 60 degree weather really is too cold to wear a sleeveless button-down blouse. [sigh]

4) Wondered how much coffee I could consume in one morning before my heart palpatated so fast that I died.

5) Emailed my project manager and told her I wouldn't be around much today because I had "caught my husband's stomach bug". (Total lie.)

6) Made phone call to Kitchen Guy, inquiring about which appliances we need to order (and get measurements for) before we can order the cabinets.

7) Turns out it's all of them, which is fantastic because I could inform Steve that we will buying a refrigerator, stovetop, built-in oven, and built-in microwave this weekend. (ANY progress is a good thing as far as I'm concerned.)

8) Wondered how many times in one day a person can hear, "Is it time to go to gymnastics yet?" from their 4-year-old before their head explodes.

9) Enjoyed a wonderful outdoor lunch with Grace of ham & cheese sandwiches and Snapples as Hannah napped.

10) Took mother-in-law along to Grace's gymnastics class and realized that she really truly does know every single person on the face of the planet.

11) Had dinner of Chicken Selects with buffalo and ranch sauce bought by the mother-in-law upon leaving gymnastics class.

12) Decided that I need to take mother-in-law to gymnastics class with us more often. Like every week or something.

13) Laughed my ass off when my mother-in-law dumped a can of Campbell's chicken pot pie soup in a bowl and nuked it in the microwave and tried to pass it off to her husband as take out soup we got somewhere in town on our way home from McDonald's.

14) Laughed even harder when he only ate 4 spoonfuls and said it was the worst tasting crap he ever ate in his life.

15) Chugged a beer when Hannah decided (at 8:30 this evening) that she didn't want the bowl of cereal she had just asked me for, and tipped over her snack tray, sending the bowl of cereal across the room and onto the area rug in the living room.

16) Was even more annoyed that this was after a 10-minute tantrum because I had put her cereal in the purple bowl and not the green bowl... which matched her Winnie-the-Pooh spoon... which in turn, matched her Winnie-the-Pooh PJs. I finally relented and dumped it into the green bowl. Two minutes later, it was on the floor. Son of a bitch!!!!

17) Took the opportunity to again inform the girls that once we have a kitchen again, ALL food will be eaten at the island and not in the other various rooms in our home.

18) Was quite disappointed to find out that our town's "Oktoberfest", which is being held this weekend, isn't serving alcoholic beverages and that root beer is as close as I'm going to get to anything with the word "beer" in it. [sigh]

Highlights of the Day (9.29.2005)

1) Sent both girls off to school again.

2) Told myself I had to get actual work (for my job) done today.

3) Finally went through the mountains of clothing piled in the bottom of Grace's closet.

4) Became depressed when I saw how little clothing she actually has for the upcoming fall/winter season.

5) (Thankfully) saw Salinger showing signs of constipation again this morning and penned him upstairs with his litterbox before he could piss on random beds (like Steve's). Yay me.

6) Ran to the grocery store at 8:30 this morning to grab my Vanilla Cinnamon creamer. One's day is never good without coffee that's to her liking first thing in the morning.

7) Grabbed another bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit from McDonald's. Ya know... since it's right there in the same parking lot and all. (Shut up.)

8) Talked to our kitchen guy today and we're really rolling along now. Cabinets should be ordered in the next week or two, which means he can schedule us for installation, which means Steve HAS to have everything ready by that particular date.

9) Outright told the kitchen guy that he and I are going to schedule it ASAP whether Steve likes it or not. He was more than willing to help me out. Good guy, that Randy. ;)

10) Was reminded (by Steve) that buck hunting season will occupy him for 2.5 weeks in November/December, and that kitchen progress will slow (or stop) during that time. Uh huh. Sure it will. You just keep telling yourself that, Stevie Boy.

11) Ate Chef Boyardi mini shells with meatballs for the third meal in a row. I love those things.

12) Wondered if fruit punch "spoils". Because the stuff I just drank now that's been in the fridge for a week or two was nasty.

13) Was amused when Steve outright forced my father-in-law to open the Snapple that we gave him before he left so that Steve could see what trivia was on the cap.

14) Forgot to wash out my crockpot from the other night. Again. [sigh]

15) Was pleased that it's cold enough tonight for me to wear my Old Navy velour pajama pants for the first time this year. YAHOO!!!

Highlights of the Day (9.28.2005)

1) Breathed a sigh of relief when I sent both children off to daycare this morning.

2) Felt guilty for #1.

3) Couldn't believe how cold it was this morning. Not complaining... just saying.

4) Received call from Honda saying they want their money. Bastards.

5) Called Steve to ask for money. I hate that. (So does he.)

6) Discovered the joys of Skittles in their new "Smoothie Mix" flavors.

7) Wondered if I'm the only person who says, "Yellow and blue make green," in her head whenever she closes the seal on a ziplock bag.

8) Had a McDonald's bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit for breakfast. Mmmm... yummy!

9) Flipped off some guy who apparently thinks that turn signals are optional.

10) Decided that even more annoying than being put on hold, is the woman's voice that comes on every 30 seconds that says, "You are on hold. Your call is important to us. Please remain on the line and your call will be answered by the next available customer service representative." Yeah. Um, the classical music blaring in my ear kind of clued me in that I'm on hold. There's no reason to remind me repeatedly.

11) Argued with Hannah the entire car ride home that she is not a boy and is indeed a girl just like Gracie. See, in Hannah's head, her and Grace are always opposite... "Grace likes mommy, and I like Daddy"... "Grace likes milk and I like coffee..." So see, it's perfectly logical that since Gracie is a girl, Hannah is a boy.

12) Prayed to the check gods at the grocery store that mine would go through and I wouldn't be standing there with $200 of groceries and no way to pay for them.

13) Fulfilled my eye candy desires when Sawyer played a large part in tonight's episode of "Lost". Mmmmm....

My Amusement for the Day...

So I bought this toothpaste last week at the grocery store. It's Crest Whitening toothpaste and attached is a "Bonus" tube of Cinnamon Crest. Great. I didn't buy it because it had the free extra tube of toothpaste attached, but it was a nice surprise.

So this is how the boxes were packaged together...

I then opened the "bonus" box, figuring we'd use the tube of cinnamon toothpaste first. Inside that box, I found a MUCH smaller box. I kind of laughed, thinking "Those bastards."...

I then opened that box and found the smallest tube of toothpaste I've ever seen in my life. Seriously... this is my "bonus" tube of toothpaste?....

And just so you can see how small it is, here I am holding it in my not-that-large hand...

Highlights of My Day (Tuesday 9.27.05)

1) Was aggrevated (like every other morning) to come downstairs and find that Steve had opened every damn window in the house again. Dude, I'm all for fresh air. Really, I am. But NOT at 6:30 in the friggin' morning, when that "fresh air" is a mere 61 degrees. KNOCK IT THE HELL OFF!!!!!!

2) Pathetically gathered up every piece of change I could find, so when Hannah and I went to the grocery store, I could dump it all into one of those change machines and get some cold hard cash.

3) Bought refills for my Glade Plug-Ins and made the momentous decision that I could, indeed, purchase the cinnamon apple scent, which is (as far as I'm concerned), strictly a "fall scent."

4) Was amused/annoyed/worried when I found Hannah sound asleep on the recliner at noon. Why, you ask? Because she was scheduled for her 2-year checkup at 1:00, meaning I'd have to wake her after a pathetic 30-minute nap. Joy.

5) Wondered why every other day of her life, I have to fight with her just to get her to take her nap before 2:00. Little shit...

6) Had a brief moment of panic when Grace claimed she couldn't hear ONE SINGLE BEEP in her left ear when given the hearing test at her 4-year checkup.

7) Figured if she really couldn't hear out of that ear, it would at least explain a lot about why she never seems to listen to me when I tell her not to do something.

8) The doctor said her hearing was fine based on what the nurse had written down while administering it. Huh? Um, OK. If you say so...

9) Was so proud of Grace when she comforted Hannah during her exam, kissing and hugging her and telling her everything would be alright.

10) Laughed when told that one child is in the 95th percentile for her weight and height, and the other is in the 25th for weight, and the 50th for height.

11) Wondered how come I'm not still in the 25th percentile for my weight. [sigh]

12) Watched the first episode of "The Amazing Race: Family Edition." I was pretty into it. It may not suck as much as I originally thought it would.

13) Had a friend offer me her size 4 jeans that are too big for her. First of all, um... bitch. Second of all, a size 4? Hon, I don't know what you were smoking when you met me in person, but whatever it was, apparently causes you to see people at about half the size they actually are.

14) Watched a dude come and chainsaw apart a tree next to our driveway at 9:00 tonight when I called to report that the tree had fallen and the only thing holding it upright was the electrical wires running from the street to our house.

15) Laughed out loud when he didn't know I was watching and he yelled "Yeehaw!" when he cut that final branch and the whole thing fell.

Highlights of the Day (Monday 9.26.05)

1) Hannah woke up at 5:00 AM due to another damn diaper leak. Stupid, stupid bodily fluids!

2) It was too close to her normal wake up time to put her back to sleep. Dammit to hell...

3) Hannah's screaming at 5:30 AM (because I wouldn't let her put on the button down shirt she found in the dirty laundry basket), awakened poor Grace and put me in a foul mood right from the start. (Jesus kid, at least let me have my coffee first...)

4) Was told by 4 or 5 "friends" that I went and got myself knocked up (not those of you that commented here). I am NOT pregnant!!!!!

5) Wondered how such a small child like Hannah can cause such a large amount of aggrevation and frustration.

6) Hannah peed twice on the potty tonight and twice on our backporch.

7) Had a revelation that allowing your naked child to hang out and pee on your backporch while you smoke a cigarette and talk to a friend on the phone probably isn't the classiest thing you could do.

8) Decided I didn't care.

9) Made dinner tonight that ended up with a rather um, interesting, taste.

10) Just squished a little bug on my screen that wouldn't GO THE HELL AWAY!!!!

11) Was annoyed (and yet titilated) when "Prison Break" flashed "To Be Continued..." on the bottom of the screen at 10:00. Damn, I hate that. I don't have the patience to wait another week to find out what happens. Don't these people know that?

12) Decided that whoever came up with the whole "To Be Continued" concept for television shows is a pure genius from a marketing/ratings standpoint.

13) Grace ate pickles and string cheese at 9:30 this morning. That's just wrong. Freak.

Highlights of the Day (Sunday)

1) Hannah slept until 8:30 this morning woohoo!

2) Of course, Grace was up at her normal 6:30, but one out of two ain't bad.

3) Took the girls to my friend's farm and pumpkin patch for a day of goat petting, sliding, milking cows, playing with kittens, face painting, pumpkin picking and hot dog eating.

4) Came home and Grace painted her pumpkin... her face on one side, and mine on the other.

5) I have green hair, according to Grace (on her pumpkin anyway).

6) Steve and I celebrated our anniversary by eating hot wings, drinking beer and watching the Steelers lose. Bastards.

7) Got a call that a friend of mine had her baby girl today. Hooray!

8) When I was going upstairs to retrieve Hannah, while yelling at her that she's not allowed to go up the stairs by herself, Grace stood at the bottom, screaming, "RUN Hannah! RUN!" setting Steve into a fit of laughter.

9) Realized that if they're ganging up on me at ages 2 and 4 already, I'm pretty much screwed.

10) Just ate a huge bowl of peanut butter with M&Ms mixed in. Nope... That's not fattening at all...