Highlights and Observations of the Day (Wednesday)...

1. Felt like shit when I sent Grace off to daycare screaming and crying and really upset.

2. Got over it fairly quickly once I walked back into the house and was slapped in the face by... complete silence. Ahhhh....

3. Had flashbacks of Jr. High when a rather ridiculous and slightly immature discussion (in my opinion) took place on one of my internet boards.

4. Ate stromboli at 10:30 this morning. Because I was hungry, dammit.

5. Spent too much money on scrapbooking supplies. At least it's a hobby, right?

6. Wondered at what point they stopped making "Moon Boots." Those things rocked!

7. My dinner consisted of one large T-bone steak smothered in Worcestershire sauce and some beer. Who needs side dishes anyway?

8. I really feel like I could puke right now.

9. Sex on just a boxspring? Um, yeah. Not so much fun.

10. At least one of us ended up satisfied by the above event.

20 Things Emily's Making Me List So She Doesn't Feel Like the Only Loser... =)

1. I still (often) pick my nose.

2. I have two teeth that are completely cracked in half and so everything I eat somehow ends up stuck in them. If I don't have a toothpick with me, I will obsess about getting it unstuck to the point where I will shove anything in my mouth if there's a chance I can use it to dig out the food.

3. Lesbian porn turns me on way more than heterosexual porn. (Although, I don't think this is very unusual.)

4. As much as I like looking at lesbians, I'm not attracted to the whole idea of it in real life and if a chick every made a pass at me, I'd probably run screaming from the room while peeing myself. (Just because I wouldn't know what the hell to do with another chick. I don't like most other chicks. LOL!)

5. Until I joined some internet boards, I could literally count on one hand, the number of female friends I had. Now I want to know why the hell none of the cool chicks live anywhere near me in real life. Life is cruel, I tell ya.

6. I gained 50 pounds my first three months of college and when I came home on Christmas break, rumors started circulating that I was pregnant.

7. I've never done any hard drugs because I'm always afraid I'll be the freak that ODs and dies.

8. I wish my sister and I were close like we used to be, but since she's never going to have children, I fear that we'll just keep on growing apart because we have nothing to talk about.

9. I've been pregnant three times, but only have two kids.

10. I used to be obsessed with hobo clowns growing up and sent away for information on Ringling Bros. Barnum & Bailey Circus School when I was in high school because I was seriously considering becoming a clown.

11. I truly believe one of the main reasons I still smoke is because it's my excuse to walk outside several times throughout the day and "escape" from my children for 5 minutes.

12. I have no idea how many guys I've had sex with because I lost count at some point, and frankly, I really don't care.

13. I get serious heebie jeebies from the noise made when you tape up packages using those packing tape rollers. [shudder]

14. I cannot stand the smell of flowers because it reminds me of old lady's crotches. There's no logic there, since I've never actually sniffed an old woman's crotch. But in my warped head, floral scent = ancient vagina.

15. I am unusally attracted to older men. Not wrinkly and half-crippled old. Just distinguished and gray-haired old (like Steve Martin).

16. I really do dislike dogs for those of you who are wondering if I'm just trying to be funny.

17. I use a red pen to circle grammatical errors I find in newspapers and magazines and have no idea why since it's not like the writer can do anything about it at that point.

18. I am the most indecisive person you will ever meet in your life.

19. I HATE snobs. (You know who you are.)

20. I once got a brief glimpse of my father-in-law's penis.

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Tuesday)...

1) Was a bit disturbed with myself when I drove past a construction worker wearing black spandex shorts under really short cutoff jeans and no shirt and felt the slightest hint of a horny twinge. Ewwww!

2) Wondered if I'm the only mother on the face of the planet that actually argues with her 2-year-old.

3) Accidentally brushed a state trooper's ass with the back of my hand when I tried to squeeze between him and his cop car at the gas station.

4) Figured that the fact that I was braless (in support of Emily's bra ban) when I brushed his ass probably helped me not get arrested for assaulting a police officer or sexual harrassment.

5) Decided that Steve is the most aggrevating person on the planet to grocery shop with. "Dude, PICK A FUCKING PASTRY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!" and the fact that it takes (literally) 20 minutes for you to get through the vegetable and fruit aisle is a problem. Bananas, cucumbers, lettuce, apples, and strawberries. Grab 'em and let's go!

6) Almost bitch slapped the woman in line behind us in the store when she threw the little divider bar up onto the register belt and started unloading her cart WAY before I had finished unloading ours. "Excuse me ma'am... where would you like me to put these three 12-packs of Cherry Coke? How about up your goddamn fat ass since you've left me no room on the conveyor belt!" [shaking head in disbelief]

7) Upon paying for the groceries, Steve exclaimed that he can't understand why every trip he makes to the grocery store costs him close to $300. "Gee hon. I don't suppose those replacement toothbrush heads for your electric toothbrush that cost you eighteen fucking dollars had anything to do with it, do you?" Jesus...

8) Realized I curse way too much in writing.

9) Pocketed the dollar bill that the little boy who had ridden the mechanical car at the grocery store ahead of Hannah had left in the seat.

10) Got busted by the boy's mother. Yeah, um, not one of my prouder moments. (I felt like Emily today.)

11) Laughed my ass off when a newborn baby was crying on "House" tonight and Hannah looked at us and said, "The baby's crying. [pause] Because he wants to go shopping." Um, gee, you're not a typical girl, are you? (God help me.)

12) Couldn't get Grace to pee before going to bed until I made up some stupid song about peeing in a tree and getting stung by a bee while drinking some tea in my Indian teepee. *sigh*

13) Realized I'm really glad there are no hidden cameras in my home (of which I am aware) because I assure you, I'd be committed.

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Monday)...

1) Laughed my ass off when Grace saw a vending machine for live bait outside the general store and said, "Hey Mommy, I think fish come out of this thing."

2) Bought the girls penny candy that the cashier put into little brown paper bags, just like back in the good ol' days. Small towns ROCK!

3) Discovered that Steve didn't sleep on the floor after all last night, but instead, slept right on the boxspring. He said he slept better than ever before and plans to continue to sleep just on the boxspring for awhile.

4) Decided I won't be sleeping with my husband for quite a while. (Freak.)

5) Snuck out of the house to walk across the street and get the mail. Walked back in to find that Hannah had been crying and Grace had a tissue and was wiping Hannah's nose. Hannah looked right at me and said, "Gracie scratched me!" Grace got all annoyed, got in Hannah's face, and yelled her, "It was supposed to be a secret, DORK!" I was laughing too hard to yell at her for scratching Hannah. God help me and God help my children...

6) Stood in awe as I watched Grace take one of my flip-flops and throw it at the ceiling, trying to kill a fly that was up there. She hit the fucker and killed it! Rock on sister! (She may end up being a hunter after all...)

7) Took the girls to my parents after dinner so they could run around outside. It was my feeble attempt to tire them out for bedtime. However, they decided that all they wanted was for me to push them up and down the street in their double stroller, thereby only tiring me out. Damn kids...

8) Wondered why the hell I don't give the girls their baths seperately. It truly is a hellish experience every night and yet, I continue to torture myself and refuse to bathe them seperately. Because I'm stupid like that.

9) Ate popcorn and chocolate peanut butter ice cream for dinner. Because I'm cool like that.

10) Had a small emergency when Grace got a piece of sand in her eye and I had to straddle her, force her eye open and flush it out with my saline solution. Just call me Dr. Lienhard.

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Sunday)...

1) Hannah woke up at 5:00 AM. Thanks kiddo. Thanks a lot. [Son of a B*#@!!!]

2) By 6:00 AM, Grace was up too, and Hannah hit Grace over the head with her step stool while Grace was going to the bathroom. I'm still not really sure why. [Son of a B*#@!!!]

3) We were out of coffee, so I had to wait 2.5 hours until Steve woke up so one of us could run to the gas station and get us some. NOT a happy camper... [Son of a B*#@!!!]

4) Cleaned out the inside of my car with crazy detail, including scraping the goo out of all of the crevices with a toothpick. It has never been so clean...

5) While I was cleaning out the car, Grace and Hannah dumped three bottles of paint all over the wooden deck railing and smeared it around. [Son of a B*#@!!!]

6) The girls then spent an hour playing in their sandbox. But since they were wet from Steve squirting them with the hose, and therefore causing 8 billion grains of sand to stick to them, I had to strip them naked and hose them down before even letting them back into the house and then still had to throw them in the tub to get it out of their hair. [Son of a B*#@!!!]

7) Wasted three hours of kid-free time today on my fat ass on the couch, watching a golf tournament with Steve when I could've been doing soooo many other things. [Son of a B*#@!!!]

8) Picked up a few things at the grocery store, but forgot milk, so now I'll have to take both girls with me to the gas station in the morning, which is a royal pain-in-the-ass.[Son of a B*#@!!!]

9) Had to deal with two miserable, overtired children this evening, which is always such a joy. [Son of a B*#@!!!]

10) Steve went up to bed to find that our fucking cat had pissed all over Steve's bed, soaking everything, including both of his pillows and his mattress. All bedding, pillows, and the mattress itself are currently in our backyard (um, Steve wasn't too happy), and we've decided that we really need to just get rid him (the cat). He hates people, doesn't come around us ever, and pisses and pukes on things on a daily basis. We're done. Anyone want a cat named Cooter? Because he'll be gone by this weekend one way or another. [Son of a B*#@!!!]

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Saturday)...

1) Secretly turned Steve's alarm off last night after he was sleeping because I didn't want him waking up at 5 AM to start sawing through the wall.

2) Played dumb this morning when he tried to figure out why his alarm didn't go off.

3) Was pleasantly surprised when the wall was knocked down with little to no mess in the room that we're actually using right now (as compared to the "kitchen", which we're not).

4) Went to my mother-in-law's house once to let her dog out. I don't think he peed. I never went back again, but if she asks, I will swear on my grandmother's grave that I did.

5) Noticed I'm quite the little liar today.

6) Ate a toasted meatball sub from Subway at 10:00 this morning. OINK!

7) Dozed off this afternoon to wake up and find that Grace had washed all of the dishes that were in the bathroom sink. At least one of us got something done today.

8) Took the girls to a local carnival. It was Hannah's first time at a carnival or on any rides.

9) Almost puked when I took Grace on The Scrambler.

10) Hannah has an obsession with merry-go-rounds. She literally went on the damn thing at least 20 times.

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Friday)...

1) Cleaned most of the downstairs of my home. Yay. Fun.

2) Filled the damn ice cube trays. I know! I know! But the rest of the house was clean, and they where just sitting there, beckoning to me... "Please fill me!... Please fill me!..." in an eerie voice. [hanging head in defeat]

3) Checked my bank account online and saw that my little "mistake" at the post office yesterday which resulted in two seperate transactions has cost me $62 in overdraft fees instead of the $31 it would have been if I had paid for everything at once. *sigh*

4) Stupid, fucking crook banks.

5) Conversation at gas station:

Me to Cashier: "Give me a tin of Copenhagen chew please. (It was for Steve.) The one with the gold lid."
Cashier: "No. It's the silver lid."
Me: "Huh? No. I'm pretty sure it's the gold."
Cashier: "No it's not. Trust me. You can never remember. It's the silver one."
Me: "Um, ok. Give me silver."

She was right.

6) Wasn't sure whether to be impressed or slightly disturbed that she knows what kind of chew Steve likes. Hmmmm...

7) Received a phone call from Steve asking if I'd like him to bring me home anything from Crazy Jake's BBQ Pit (a guy set up in a gas station parking lot). I HATE BBQ sauce and Steve knows that, but at least by making the phone call, he could come home without food for me minus any guilt. Smart little bastard.

8) Received another phone call from Steve who later had the girls up at my father-in-law's house... "Well, the girls just saw their first real live bear. There's one in my dad's backyard now." Um, that's fucking great Steve. Can you please make sure the children stay inside the garage? For the love of....

9) Steve and the girls arrived home about 20 minutes later because Steve said my father-in-law's girlfriend (who is usually drunk and whom everyone suspects snorts coke) kept taking the girls over to the garden, which is literally only about 30 feet from the feeder where the bear was hanging out. Um, hello! A leetle too comfortable with your Smokey the Bear friend, don't ya think? So Steve (smartly) put the girls in the car and headed home.

10) Have decided I HATE the select-a-size paper towels. I never only need one section, but one section is all that ever comes off at a time when I try to rip them. Stupid bastard paper towel companies... Grumble... grumble...

11) I think I promised my mother-in-law I'd go to her house twice tomorrow to let her dog out while they're at the Renaissance Fair for the day. But it was over the phone and the kids were fighting and I was only half listening so I'm not really sure. I do know I have no clue what times she told me to go there. Dammit. I suck.

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Thursday)...

1) Wondered what the hell happened to Unkymoods. *sigh*

2) Wondered why the hell there aren't any other cool mood indicator/icon sites on the entire web.

3) Guilted myself into getting a salad today for lunch instead of chicken fries (which is what I really wanted).

4) Decided I can't have daytime sex anymore, because I just laugh the whole time anyway.

5) Ordered a window for the kitchen. Could it be? Are we actually going to see some progress on the damn room? (It looks just like the one in this picture actually. Um, I think.)

6) Went to the post office to mail a package and realized I had taped the address INSIDE of the box along with the clothing I was sending.

7) Had post office employee laugh at me hysterically when I asked for a sharp object to cut the package back open and retrieve the address. (Whatever, freak with the funky eyebrow barbell thingy.)

8) Due to the above incident, decided that I am indeed, fucking retarded.

9) Just watched a full hour of "Antiques Roadshow," and for the life of me, cannot figure out why.

10) Realized I have a slight crush on Drew Carey.

11) Had Steve inform me he'll be knocking down the wall between the kitchen and the playroom this weekend. Hey, thanks for the notice Buddy. That gives me plenty of time to prepare for inches of plaster dust coating every surface and object in our home. *sigh*

12) Have been burping up garlic & herb rice for about 2 hours now. I hate that, dammit!

13) Drank a few floatees in my beer.

14) Have decided an Ice Cube Tray Standoff is in order. There are only 3 cubes left in the last tray in the freezer. I refuse to fill the three empty ones sitting out on our windowsill. I want to see how long it takes until Steve fills them. I will win dammit.

This is for Katherine...

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Wednesday)...

1) 1:00 AM: Finally made myself go to bed.

2) 1:30 AM: Grace wakes me, telling me she just peed in bed. (Keep in mind her bed is also my bed. *sigh*).

3) Ate about 10 store-bought, soft as all hell sugar cookies for breakfast. Niiiice.

4) Ate more BK chicken fries for lunch. [blush] But I was starving!... And BK is right next to the grocery store where I had just been!.... And it was on my way home!.... And... and...

5) Had a small atomic bomb come flying out of my ass in the bathroom about an hour after eating them.

6) I swear I think I found God while sitting on that toilet. Holy.....

7) Laughed at a poor friend of mine who had her crotch examined and then got pulled over and given a sobriety test afterwards. Sorry Sunshine, but it is funny whether you want to admit it or not.

8) Had a girl who was all of about 22-years-old call me "Hon." Only people older than you and people who want to screw you call you Hon. So she's either 45 and has a really good plastic surgeon, or she did, indeed want to screw me. I should find her again tomorrow...

9) Finished my book. It was pretty good. Getting ready to start another one.

10) Was called "street smart" in a poll. I almost pissed myself laughing. Street smart? ME? Yeah, maybe if we're talking about Sesame Street...

11) Realized I have beepaphobia. Whenever I swipe my credit/debit card while making a purchase, I freak out when it beeps because I just know it's going to say it's denied. Oh, the humiliation...

12) Had a beepaphobia attack at Giant grocery store, and was relieved to see the little screen just said "Processing..." and then "Approved".

13) Told the cashier about my fear and she looked at me like I was fucking retarded.

14) Left the store wondering if I am fucking retarded.

15) And finally, a note to Steve:

1. Use the last ice cube in the tray.
2. Fill the now empty ice cube tray with water.
3. Return ice cube tray to freezer.

Is that sooooo fucking hard? Dammit to hell!!!

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Tuesday)...

1) Went to the grocery store this AM to buy a roast for dinner tonight. I was pleasantly surprised to find they were Buy 1 Get 1 Free. You know, you can never have two many bigass hunks of red meat in the house.

2) Smiled to myself when while driving, saw an old man in his front yard, sticking a run-of-the-mill small child's pinwheel into a stump and then "testing" it by spinning it with his finger. Old people rock!

3) Saw a large dead trout in the middle of the street. "Dude, you are way lost!"

4) Actually said the above statement out loud, causing me to wonder if I am, indeed, freakin' nuts.

5) Resisted the urge about 50 billion times to lift the lid of the crockpot to get a good strong whiff of the roast while it was cooking.

6) Wondered if I'm the only person who does judge a book by its cover, even though the old saying advises otherwise.

7) My fatass cat was constipated today, resulting in various cat puke piles throughout the house and some cat shit in inappropriate places.

8) Kept smelling cat shit after cleaning it up, and 6 hours later, finally found some more in the girls' toybox. Stupid bastard cat! (And the toy box? What the hell is that all about?)

9) Am not happy I will spend tomorrow morning taking every toy out of the toy box to wash and Lysol the suckers.

10) Got somewhat engrossed in a book a friend gave me. It's sooo not something I'd normally read, but so far, it's pretty good.

11) The roast was indeed as good as it smelled. (Thanks Terrie!)

12) Was a combination of both amused and disturbed when I caught Steve glued to the TV, completely enthralled by the Teen Choice Awards tonight. Um, yeah. Whatever dude.

13) Just laughed when spellcheck told me to replace "freakin'" with "foreskin".

14) Decided I not only want a tattoo, but also wouldn't mind having a little piece of Chris Nunez from "Miami Ink". (The one in the back on the right.)

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Monday)...

1) Woke to find we had power, but still no cable. Had a slight panic attack thinking about what the hell I was going to do with the kids all day.

2) Breathed a huge sigh of relief when it came back on about an hour later.

3) Was slightly offended when my mom called to tell me they had gotten back to their house after Hershey and said Grace didn't want to come home and instead, wanted to sleep over there tonight. Hey, I missed you too, you little shit...

4) Had to fight every ounce of my being not to get in a fist fight with Hannah when she wanted my last beef stick (which was supposed to be my lunch).

5) Ate chocolate peanut butter ice cream with chocolate syrup instead.

6) Laughed out loud when I read "Keep Frozen" on the side of the ice cream carton. Um... duh.

7) Got pissed off at Steve when I discovered he had left to run errands, taking my Altoids with him. What the hell? Does that man have NO concept of addiction? Dickbag.

8) Wondered how it is that a two-year-old who won't eat "normal" things like mac & cheese and peanut butter sandwiches will eat an entire adult-sized meal of shrimp scampi and then beg for more. God bless her future boyfriends. That girl's got some fancy taste.

9) Conversation with Grace (which thankfully, didn't involve any sort of vibrating object)...

[I had just passed gas, but didn't say anything since the girls were the only other two people in the room.]
Grace: Hey Mom, go in the other room where daddy is watching TV.
Me: Why?
Grace: Because then you can stink up that whole room! Geez, woman! Your butt stinks!

Um, "woman"? Thank you Miss I'm-4-Going-On-18. Jesus!

10) Almost pissed myself when Grace announced to me out of the blue, that she was going to start calling Hannah "Crazy Lienhard". Hey girlfriend, knock your socks off.

11) Was changing Hannah's diaper when I swear on all things holy, she started singing, "Bad boys! Bad boys! Whatcha gonna do?" What... the... hell? Damn that Grace teaching her sister things.

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Sunday)...

1) Sent Grace with my parents this morning for a day and night of fun at Hershey Park and the hotel afterwards after lecturing her about getting lost and putting a note in her pocket that says her name and my parents' name. (Paranoid perhaps?)

2) Watched sadly as Hannah cried to go with them. :(

3) Got a buttload of stuff done around the house. Every room now smells like vanilla, citrus, spring showers, and/or cinnamon.

4) NO chicken fries today! NO chicken fries! (I had shrimp scrampi instead.)

5) Lost power because of a stupid thunderstorm at 8:00 last night. ARG!

6) Realized all of the things I miss when I don't have power (the microwave, going to the bathroom, being able to see, not sweating our asses off, etc....).

7) Called the electric company and was told that midnight was the estimated date of when our power would be back on.

8) Was awake at 4:30 this morning when the power finally did come back on.

9) Called the electric company "lying bastards" in my head and hoped everything in the refrigerator was still OK to eat.

10) Suffered from serious internet withdrawl and started typing on the keyboard at one point in the dark, just to hear the comforting "clack clack" of the keys.

11) Laughed my ass off at Hannah, who refused to speak louder than a whisper once the lights went out. We kept telling her to talk and to even scream, but she wouldn't. Little freak.

12) Bought a new moon chair for the playroom and then fought with Hannah because we both wanted to sit in it.

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Saturday)...

1) Took the girls swimming at my aunt and uncle's house this morning at 10:00AM. They weren't home, so I pretended we lived there. (And yes, I'm aware this picture is disturbing, but the photograpy itself is fantastic.)

2) Had both girls decide to get on rafts and fall in the pool at the same time, neither wearing their life jackets at the time, causing me to have to "rescue" them both at the same time. Thanks girls. Thanks a lot.

3) Beamed with pride when a little bug bit Hannah and Grace started yelling at it, "HEY! Don't bite my sister! Go bite somebody your own size, ya big bully!" LOL!

4) OK. This is where earlier I had written that I did not have chicken fries today. But I took the girls swimming again tonight and on the way home, Grace begged for "those long chicken things you ate yesterday Mommy." Dammit. Day #6 and counting. [sigh]

5) Bought another big bag of beef sticks. YEEHAW! Life is good.

6) Noted how motorcyclists all travel in packs of about 40 and consider themselves one big "unit" while driving (like at stop signs, stop lights, etc.). Why is that?

7) Considered moseying over to "Bike Night in the Park" in Lehighton, but decided that getting my assed kicked by some big biker chick wasn't something I wanted to do.

8) Spent the afternoon assembling (with Steve) a huge shelving unit for they playroom that we got from Grace's godfather when he sold his store. Now when she begs me to go to Wal*Mart, I can point her in the direction of the playroom and tell her to practice her pretending skills.

9) Came downstairs to find Hannah had dumped an entire box of Rice Krispies all over the playroom carpet. Snap Crackle Pop this you damn little elves.

10) Conversation between Grace and Steve this morning:

Grace: Daddy, what's that thing Mommy has in her bedroom? (She meant my
vibrator.)
Steve: What thing?
Grace: That thing that blows bubbles. (I don't know WHY she thinks it blows
bubbles.)
Steve: Um, that's for big people.
Grace: But what do you do with it?
Steve: Um, nothing. It's just for sitting there. [LMAO!]
Grace: Well, can you like throw it?
Steve: Sure. You can throw it. But it's really just for sitting
there.
Grace: When I get bigger I can have one too?
Steve: Yeah. Um, sure.

11) Figured Grace will either grow up and become addicted to vibrators, or will grow up and need serious therapy after having nightmares for years about neon green and orange, bendable, three-speed waterproof penis-shaped objects.

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Friday)...

1) Went to the park first thing this morning (not the goose park) and ended up "babysitting" 2 boys in addition to my own children because the grandmother (I assume) was too busy reading a book way at the other end of the park. (The park takes up a whole block.) Yeah. Thanks, ya old hag.

2) Walked across the street from the park to a yardsale some lady was having. She told me she had worked for the carnival for years. It was obvious.

3) Hannah picked a Dora book at the yardsale, which for some reason, she has become rather attached to, and is cuddling with it in her sleep at this very moment. (Freak.)

4) Ate um, chicken fries again for lunch. But it wasn't my fault, dammit! I suggested McDonald's when we left the park, but the girls wanted the Care Bear kids' meal toys at Burger King. I swear!

5) Was embarrassed when the drive-thru girl was the same drive-thru girl from the past 3 days and she has got to think I have issues at this point.

6) My old company has come crawling back, begging me to do some work for them again. Mwaahaaahaa!

7) Um, ok. So really they just sent me an email asking if I was available for work and if I'd like them to "send some my way," but let's pretend they groveled, OK?

8) Squeezed my fat ass into my swimsuit for the first time (in front of other people) since last summer. DAMN those f*cking chicken fries. *sigh*

9) Grace drew me the best picture today of her and I holding hands and then drew one of her and Steve wearing their matching golf visors. I love that kid...

10) Sex. Sex is good. (Well, tonight's was anyway. Other nights it sucks.)

11) Took my new cell phone to the park with me and at one point, realized I had somehow dialed myself and had a 10-minute long voice mail to myself talking to the carnival freak having the yardsale. I'm so not cool. *sigh*

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Thursday)...

1) Got a whopping 3.5 hours of sleep because Hannah's apparently on a sleep strike this week and has decided that 3:30 AM is a fine time for running around like a maniac. Zzzzz....

2) Ate Burger King Chicken Fries for the third (or fourth?) day in a row. I need help. Serious, serious help.

3) Finally got myself a cell phone. It's been years and it was time. I didn't activate it or anything though. I just want to look cool like everyone else.

4) Had a "Bad Mommy Moment" when instead of taking the girls to the playground tonight (which they really, really wanted to do and I really, really didn't), I outright told them I'd take them to the store instead where they could each pick a new toy. Yeah, I know. I suck. So sue me. I was tired.

5) And as if one Bad Mommy Moment isn't enough... Here's a conversation with Grace this evening as she spied my vibrator and picked it up (It's always hidden in my drawer, but tonight it was out b/c one of the batteries had fallen out and rolled under the dresser and I left it out so I'd see it and remember to find the batttery.)

Grace: What's this mommy?
Me (not missing a beat): Oh, um, nothing. That's just something big people use.
Grace: What's it do?
Me: Er, um, nothing.
Grace: Does it blow bubbles?
Me: Er, um, not really.
Grace: So what's it do?
Me: NOTHING!
Grace: One day Daddy will tell me?
Me: Er, um, sure. Yeah. That sounds good.... {awkward pause} Soooo... let's go check out those new toys we got for your bath, huh?

Jesus H. Christmas...

6) Bought the Lifehouse CD. Good stuff. I'm diggin' it.

7) Wondered if people still say "diggin' it." I'm guessing no.

8) Have myself 99.9% convinced I have invisible mosquitos in my home.

9) Just dumped about 25 Nilla Wafers in a bowl, dumped Hershey's chocolate syrup on them, and every last one of 'em. I'm either an effin' pig or I'm pregnant.

10) I'm not pregnant.

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Wednesday)...

1) Woke up this morning as my mom was pulling in my driveway to pick up the girls for daycare. DAMMIT! I hate starting the morning like that.

2) Scratched a bug bite on my temple, accidentally scratching it open. I am such a hottie these days. *sigh*

3) Managed to displace my anger and stress quite successfully throughout the day today. Yay me! Taking it out on someone else is always quite satisfying.

4) Ate fast food for the third day in a row. I can hear my thighs jiggling. (But those damn Chicken Fries from Burger King are so good.)

5) Realized that noon isn't really the best time to go through a fast-food restaurant's drive-thru if you're looking to avoid a line of cars. Um, duh.

6) Figured out in my head what kind of tattoo I want, but now can't figure out how to get it on paper to show someone who can actually give it to me.

7) Wondered at what age old women "make the jump" into wearing "old lady shirts." You know the ones. The polyester numbers with large floral patterns, big collars, and buttons up the front.

8) Wondered if other people get frustrated when trying to fold a fitted bed sheet and just end up wadding it up in a ball and shoving it in the linen closet like I do.

9) Nachos with salsa con queso. Mmmmm...

10) Watched Grace stick her hand up her skirt to scratch her "goods" and then walk over to me, put her finger under my nose and tell me to "Sniff her finger." I swear to god people I don't know what possesses her to do these things.

11) Returned to the park where the goose assassination took place earlier this week. On Monday, there were about 10 geese (after the assissination). Tonight, there were only 6. Hmmm... either the rogue cop has been exceeding his permit allowance or some of the stupid bastards got wise and flew the coop.

12) Would like to personally thank my college roommate, Lizard Bitch, for introducing me to parmasian popcorn... the most fantastic snack food on the face of the planet.

13) Contemplated starting a non-profit organization dedicated to buying all of the women of the world at least one vibrator in order to improve their sex lives with their partners (or themselves... whichever applies). There really is no better sex than sex involving something with batteries.

14) Walked into the playroom today and found Hannah on top of the play kitchen, yelling like a banshee and then jumping off. What the hell is wrong with my kids?

15) Decided the age old saying of "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em," couldn't be a more correct statement and am therefore, calling my old crack dealer in the morning to see if the girls and I can get some sort of bulk discount or something.

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Tuesday)...

1) My girl friend told me I have nice boobs. =)

2) Hannah slept until 8:30. (We won't mention how she was up from 3:30 AM to 5:00 AM. We're looking on the bright side of things today.)

3) Realized I sometimes truly forget the importance of my relationship with coffee.

4) Continued to be highly amused at the fact that Hannah truly believes that Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street are one "being". She calls them "Bernie". If you point to either one and ask her who it is, she says "Bernie!" If she sees a picture of them together, she yells, "It's Bernie!"

5) Was unusually proud of women in general when I found out that a chick was landing the shuttle this morning. Take that People with Penises!

6) Had a really hard time not laughing when Hannah got pissed off and threw her shopping cart halfway across the room in true Mr. T fashion.

7) Saw an old woman (we're talking gray hair, folks) at Wal*Mart with a tattoo of a dimented clown on her calf and wondered what age she was when she got it, what the hell possessed her to get it, and what it represented.

8) Was a bit exasperated when I saw the Crack Kids were back in action. [Heavy Sigh]

9) The playroom TV suddenly works again. Thank god for small miracles.

10) Just ate some hot bologna. I laugh everytime I eat some.

11) Talked catty with Steve about some of my friends and wasn't ashamed. I'm a bitch and I can't help it.

12) Felt guilty about being somewhat relieved that both girls are heading off to daycare in the morning. I have a 7:00 AM date with some coffee, Good Morning America, and the new book I just bought. Ahhhh....

24-Hour Emergency What?!

OK. So I'm driving the girls home from the park yesterday and get behind a truck. On this truck it says, "Quality Carpet and Upholstery Cleaning" at the top. OK. Cool.

The next line was a phone number. "1-800-something or other". Well that makes sense. Every business needs a phone number.

I keep reading. "Water. Smoke. Stains." Great. Spell out what you clean.

It's the next line down that has me scratching my head. "24-Hour Emergency Service." Um, come again? Is there a market for 24-hour emergency carpet cleaning?

Let's set up some scenerios...

Scenerio #1: It's 2:00 AM. Everyone else in the house has long been sleeping and you're enjoying a nice glass of red wine while watching a late night talk show before you yourself head to bed. But you doze off while holding that wine and it tips over in your sleep, falling the 2 feet to your gorgeous white shag carpet below. It wakes you up. "Oh my GOD! What am I going to do? WAIT! I know! Call the 24-hour emergency carpet cleaning service!" So you make that all important phone call. Five miles away some redneck yahoo gets the call and drags his ass out of bed, possibly still drunk. Possibly in the middle of a romp with his toothless wife. "Sorry hon. I have to go. I have a red wine emergency."

Back at the accident site, you're pacing. Impatiently waiting for the strange man to come to your home at 3:00 in the morning to clean that blood red stain, sinking into your precious carpet. He arrives! Thank GOD!

Scenerio #2: It's the middle of the night. You smell smoke and it turns out you house is on fire! Everyone in the house escapes unharmed with the exception of the dog and the fire department puts out the fire. It could have been worse, but you've lost some important things in the fire and there's a ton of smoke damage.

"But honey! We can save our sofa! I'll call that 24-hour emergency carpet cleaning service!"

"Sweetheart, we lost so much of our stuff. Our computer, our wedding album, our precious poodle FiFi."

"But honey! We have our sofa! Everything will be OK! Thank GOD for 'Quality Carpet and Upholstery Cleaning!'"


Yup. People sure are weird...

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Monday)...

1) Took the girls to the park this morning, where I witnessed a police officer pull up and shoot a goose in the lake at point blank range. He then drove over and said he did it because they're having a real "issue" with the goose shit at the park (which is true), so he has a permit to kill one per day. Um, alrighty then... (The girls didn't see it. Just heard the shots.)

2) Walked from one end of the large park to the other three times looking for Grace's stuffed cheetah we thought she left in the corner store on the first trip. We eventually found it sitting on a bench at the playground... where, um, I had left it. DOH!

3) The three trips exhausted Hannah enough that she fell asleep as soon as we arrived home.

4) Grace fried the TV in the playroom today and I'm hoping once it dries out it works again. Otherwise, it could have fairly disasterous results for everyone living here. *sigh*

5) Apparently, Grace and Hannah didn't connect with their crack dealer today, because they were actually very well behaved and Grace was downright angelic most of the day.

6) I am well aware this won't last, but please let me live in my fantasy world until tomorrow. Thank you.

7) Washing dishes in the bathroom sink after a party for about 80-90 guests blows. Big time.

8) Steve finally changed the lightbulb in Grace's ceiling fan today (the only light in there). I realize this sounds like no big deal, but I've been bugging him for weeks. And yes, I could have done it, but it would've involved dragging the stepladder upstairs, finding a screwdriver, etc. and frankly, I just didn't feel like it. Sue me.

9) Received my college's alumni "magazine" in the mail today with updates of classmates and realized I really didn't like most of the people on campus, and that my friends are way too cool to even send in updates.

10) Number 10 is dedicated to Peter Jennings. Because he rocked and I'm sad. :(

Highlights and Observations of My Weekend

1) A 120-pound pig and 4 turkeys is exactly the amount of meat you need for a pig roast. We have a few tiny pieces of turkey left over (like 5 bites maybe), but that's it.

2) The worst feeling in the world is waking up 4 hours after you went to bed and realize you're still totally trashed and that it's going to be a looooong day.

3) It was a looooong day today. (But at least I didn't have a headache.)

4) Don't tell a guy he looks like "a faggot" unless you want to get cold cocked right in the face. (And deservedly so.)

5) Steve is a very, very funny guy.

6) To Steve's aunt who left and took with her that kick ass looking dessert made of graham crackers and chocolate and pudding and stuff... you suck. I didn't get to eat any and I'm still pissed about it.

7) I'm too tired to think of anymore. Sorry gang. I have GOT to get some sleep...

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Friday)...

1) I am sooo not ready for this pig roast tomorrow. Guests, please forgive me.

2) Went to three grocery stores and one meat market desperately searching for whole fresh (i.e., not frozen) turkeys between 12 and 15 pounds. Came home and made two phone calls and finally found some and sent a friend of ours to that store to get them. Problem resolved (after much freaking out on my part).

3) Was a little disturbed when our friend brought the pig from the slaughterhouse, wrapped in a piece of plastic, and when Grace saw it, she didn't even flinch. Not a "Hey mom, why isn't the pig moving?", or "Ewwww!!!", or "What's that blood on his head mom?" Nope. Just a casual, "Hey, where'd he get the pig?" Freak.

4) Was even more disturbed when she wanted to watch the guys quarter the pig and then watched calmly as if she was viewing an epidsode of "Spongebob Squarepants." FREAK!!!

5) Wondered how many of you just judged me as a parent when you read #4. ;) (Bite me if you did.)

6) Almost kicked Steve's ass about 4 times today when I was freaking out about everything we still need to do for the party tomorrow and he kept saying in a truly loving, nice way, "Relax! It's Pig Roast weekend." Hey! Guess what Fuckhead (please note the capital "F")! Pig Roast "Weekend" isn't fun for me until the day of the pig roast when my children are escorted off the property by a grandparent or two. Up until then, it's a living hell while I try to clean inside, clean outside, remind you of ALL the things that need to be done that you never think of AND watch the two Crack Kids. Asswipe.

7) Realized we have no balls for tomorrow. No volleyball and no ping pong balls. Hey, no problem! I'll just add picking those things up to the eight billion other things I have to do in the morning! (Hmmmm.... I wonder what Jesus would do....)

8) Watched in pure anger as Grace sprayed Hannah directly in the face with the hose as Hannah freaked out and Grace said, "What? You said you wanted to get wet." (Not true. Little shit.)

9) Watched with complete pride when later, Hannah was in control of the hose and soaked Grace. (Thatta girl!)

10) Had Grace lecture me that it's not nice to call people fat (I had called myself fat BTW in a totally joking manner), and how "If someone has a HUGE stomach, you shouldn't tell them that because that's not nice. I didn't even tell Huber he's fat (Huber is our friend who was here at the time). Instead, you should just say, 'Hey! What did you eat today? Was it good?'" O...M...G.

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Thursday)...

1) Yes, I can tell the difference when I don't drink my usual half of a pot of coffee in the morning. {grumble grumble}

2) Contemplated the whole What Would Jesus Do? (WWJD?) "campaign". I mean, how do we know what the dude would do? It's not like we can email him after the fact and say, "Hey buddy. How'd I do? Would you have dumped the cheating wench's ass too or would you have forgiven her and given her another chance?" I mean, aren't there more practical people we could use as an example? Like WWOD (What Would Oprah Do?). Or WWDPD? (What Would Dr. Phil Do?). At least we have a shot of contacting the two of them to find out if we're still worthy of wearing the bracelet.

3) Have decided that I honestly don't know how much longer my life can go on if I don't just give in and buy the Betty Crocker Bake and Fill Cake Pan. See, now you all think I'm being sarcastic, but I'm totally not. I am mesmerized by that damn thing every time the stupid commercial comes on. I've been known to push Grace out of the way if she gets in the way while I'm watching it. I.... must.... have.... that.... pan....

4) Met my friend from an internet board and her husband tonight for a few hours. I called him a wuss within 15 minutes of him being here. When they left, they took with them, the entire case of beer I bought. I don't think they're coming back.

5) I don't think I blame them.

6) Dear Mr./Mrs./Ms. Pig Roast Attendee, No, I do NOT need you to bring a dessert. I truly appreciate the offer, but this is quickly turning into a cake walk or bake sale which isn't nearly as much fun when you're drunk as a pig roast is! Please bring a bag of Guacamole Doritos instead. Thank you.

7) The Kids on Crack were back in action tonight. Except this time, Grace had donned her new brown leather biker boots, so it was much more superhero-like (and more painful for Hannah).

8) I want a pair of badass biker bitch boots too. Matching ones. Who dares me to get 'em?

9) Decided to start referring to all vaginas as "moths" after yesterday's little, um, mix up. I wonder if they're attracted to light the same way real moths are.

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Wednesday)...

1) Ran across the yard chasing my fatass cat when he darted out the door trying to catch a rabbit. He's strictly an indoor cat so I couldn't let him go. It was at 6:15 AM and I hadn't had any coffee yet. Can we say pissed?!

2) At 7:00 AM, heard a beeping in the basement and went to investigate. One of the smoke alarms was going off for no apparent reason, so I ripped the battery out. I'm now half deaf and if there really IS a fire before I replace that battery, we're not going to tell anyone what happened this morning. Understand people?

3) Became extremely annoyed with "Stanley Steemers" due to their misspelling of the word "steamer". (And I don't care if there's reasoning behind the spelling, like it's the dude's last name or something. It still aggravates me.)

4) Ate two beef sticks at 10:00 AM again. (I would've eaten four like yesterday, but there were only two left, dammit.)

5) Dug a bag of potato chips remnants out of my garbage can because I really wanted some to eat with the ham and cheese sandwich I had for lunch. (I'm classy like that.)

6) Received package from Gymboree. Always good. (And don't go rolling your eyes at me. I used gift cards the girls got for their birthdays and only spent an additional $5.00 over that amount. So yes, the girls will be donning overpriced clothing this fall, but I didn't pay for it, so it's all good.)

7) Made it a personal goal to call someone an Ass Clown at least once a day.

8) Made a huge To Do list this morning. I crossed off about 10 things and then as I did things not on the list, I wrote them on there just to be able to immediately cross them off. Do they have support groups for people like me? I'm sure they do. How do I Google that?

9) Wondered who at Hanes decided that their Hanes Sporty briefs for women are actually "sporty". Because truth be told, they're anything but "sporty" (unless we're talking Sumo wrestler). He should be fired.

10) Wanted to beat the living shit out of my "friend" who FOUR YEARS AGO gave my name and number to "Future Films for Families" (you know who you are). Those bastards are still calling me practically every day. No, I do NOT want your latest cartoon about the trials and tribulations of a little lost puppy for only $19.95. STOP CALLING ME!!!!!!

11) Used the word "unbeknownst" in a conversation today. I is so smart.

12) Found out Grace got in trouble today at school during computer class for using the word poopy. Hell, I just hope she used it in the right context.

13) Watched the girls jump off of their little picnic table in the playroom, laughing like two escaped mental ward patients (while I mumbled... "Crack. It has to be crack...").

14) Wondered what cruel twist of fate decided that Steve should always stink up the bathroom right before I have to go in there. What the hell did I do?

15) Had the propane in our grill run out right as I was about to throw our big ass marinated steaks on it. This meant I had to clean our electric griddle (which needs to be done in our bathtub right now which I had just cleaned hours before.). DAMMIT!!!!!

16) Was attacked by a killer moth the size of a bat.

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Tuesday)...

1) Briefly considered putting my children up for adoption around bathtime tonight. Apparently, splashing around and slapping each other's bare asses while Mommy screams at you to knock it off is hysterical. (Oh wait... it is kind of funny, isn't it?)

2) Wondered why there aren't people out there you can hire just to put your laundry away. I'll even fold it. Just hang it up and stuff it in drawers for me please.

3) Contemplated what a person in #3 would call themselves. A Laundry Keeper? Laundry Lady? Laundry Goddess?

4) Ate four beef sticks at 10:00 AM. Because I'm cool like that.

5) Was called "Stinky Butt" by my two-year-old as she chased me around slapping my fat ass. Yup. I'm raisin' my kids just fine, thank you very much.

6) Got annoyed when Steve got home from work at 1:00 instead of working a full day. I HATE that.

7) Felt guilty about being annoyed that Steve got home from work at 1:00 instead of working a full day.

8) Seriously, are my kids smoking crack? Because I really don't know what else could be making them act the way they do lately.

9) Got a little misty when I just turned around and saw Steve and Gracie cuddled up together, asleep on the floor.

10) Decided I need to start thinking about what kind of tattoo I want. (Stupid "Miami Ink" on Tuesday nights...)

11) Just fished a little bug out of my beer and then continued to drink the beer without a second thought. That's bad, isn't it? (Or good?)

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Monday)...

1) Took the girls to the park this morning. It involved some good clean fun, as well as some ridiculous, typical two and four year old tantrums. Good times I tell ya. (Not.)

2) Watched the girls try to beat the shit out of each other, not sure which one I was supposed to be rooting for.

3) Bought a new plug-in air freshner with a fan in a Clean Linen scent that wafts through the entire downstairs of our home. Ahhh...

4) I still have 4 bottles of refill oils that apparently don't fit into any plug-in currently on the market.

5) Wondered if I could use the aforementioned refills and just rub them on my skin like a perfume without breaking out in an unsightly rash.

6) MICHAEL WON ON "HELL'S KITCHEN!!!!" All is right with the world this evening.

7) Decided NOT to make my pasta salad for the pig roast since all of the "older people" are bringing "covered dishes" (their words, not mine) and me trying to make things without a kitchen is a pain in the ass.

8) Started planning what to wear for the pig roast. (That's pretty gay, isn't it?)

9) Am secretly relieved that Grace will be going to "school" (i.e., daycare) tomorrow for the first time in almost 3 weeks. I love the kid, but the break will be nice.

10) Have developed an irrational fear of rattlesnakes recently for no particular reason and am convinced one of us will be bitten by one in the near future.

11) Had a horrible nightmare at 3:00 in the morning last night about Grace getting bit by one. :( I apparently have issues.