Highlights and Observations of My Day (Monday)...

1) Took the girls to the park this morning, where I witnessed a police officer pull up and shoot a goose in the lake at point blank range. He then drove over and said he did it because they're having a real "issue" with the goose shit at the park (which is true), so he has a permit to kill one per day. Um, alrighty then... (The girls didn't see it. Just heard the shots.)

2) Walked from one end of the large park to the other three times looking for Grace's stuffed cheetah we thought she left in the corner store on the first trip. We eventually found it sitting on a bench at the playground... where, um, I had left it. DOH!

3) The three trips exhausted Hannah enough that she fell asleep as soon as we arrived home.

4) Grace fried the TV in the playroom today and I'm hoping once it dries out it works again. Otherwise, it could have fairly disasterous results for everyone living here. *sigh*

5) Apparently, Grace and Hannah didn't connect with their crack dealer today, because they were actually very well behaved and Grace was downright angelic most of the day.

6) I am well aware this won't last, but please let me live in my fantasy world until tomorrow. Thank you.

7) Washing dishes in the bathroom sink after a party for about 80-90 guests blows. Big time.

8) Steve finally changed the lightbulb in Grace's ceiling fan today (the only light in there). I realize this sounds like no big deal, but I've been bugging him for weeks. And yes, I could have done it, but it would've involved dragging the stepladder upstairs, finding a screwdriver, etc. and frankly, I just didn't feel like it. Sue me.

9) Received my college's alumni "magazine" in the mail today with updates of classmates and realized I really didn't like most of the people on campus, and that my friends are way too cool to even send in updates.

10) Number 10 is dedicated to Peter Jennings. Because he rocked and I'm sad. :(

Highlights and Observations of My Weekend

1) A 120-pound pig and 4 turkeys is exactly the amount of meat you need for a pig roast. We have a few tiny pieces of turkey left over (like 5 bites maybe), but that's it.

2) The worst feeling in the world is waking up 4 hours after you went to bed and realize you're still totally trashed and that it's going to be a looooong day.

3) It was a looooong day today. (But at least I didn't have a headache.)

4) Don't tell a guy he looks like "a faggot" unless you want to get cold cocked right in the face. (And deservedly so.)

5) Steve is a very, very funny guy.

6) To Steve's aunt who left and took with her that kick ass looking dessert made of graham crackers and chocolate and pudding and stuff... you suck. I didn't get to eat any and I'm still pissed about it.

7) I'm too tired to think of anymore. Sorry gang. I have GOT to get some sleep...

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Friday)...

1) I am sooo not ready for this pig roast tomorrow. Guests, please forgive me.

2) Went to three grocery stores and one meat market desperately searching for whole fresh (i.e., not frozen) turkeys between 12 and 15 pounds. Came home and made two phone calls and finally found some and sent a friend of ours to that store to get them. Problem resolved (after much freaking out on my part).

3) Was a little disturbed when our friend brought the pig from the slaughterhouse, wrapped in a piece of plastic, and when Grace saw it, she didn't even flinch. Not a "Hey mom, why isn't the pig moving?", or "Ewwww!!!", or "What's that blood on his head mom?" Nope. Just a casual, "Hey, where'd he get the pig?" Freak.

4) Was even more disturbed when she wanted to watch the guys quarter the pig and then watched calmly as if she was viewing an epidsode of "Spongebob Squarepants." FREAK!!!

5) Wondered how many of you just judged me as a parent when you read #4. ;) (Bite me if you did.)

6) Almost kicked Steve's ass about 4 times today when I was freaking out about everything we still need to do for the party tomorrow and he kept saying in a truly loving, nice way, "Relax! It's Pig Roast weekend." Hey! Guess what Fuckhead (please note the capital "F")! Pig Roast "Weekend" isn't fun for me until the day of the pig roast when my children are escorted off the property by a grandparent or two. Up until then, it's a living hell while I try to clean inside, clean outside, remind you of ALL the things that need to be done that you never think of AND watch the two Crack Kids. Asswipe.

7) Realized we have no balls for tomorrow. No volleyball and no ping pong balls. Hey, no problem! I'll just add picking those things up to the eight billion other things I have to do in the morning! (Hmmmm.... I wonder what Jesus would do....)

8) Watched in pure anger as Grace sprayed Hannah directly in the face with the hose as Hannah freaked out and Grace said, "What? You said you wanted to get wet." (Not true. Little shit.)

9) Watched with complete pride when later, Hannah was in control of the hose and soaked Grace. (Thatta girl!)

10) Had Grace lecture me that it's not nice to call people fat (I had called myself fat BTW in a totally joking manner), and how "If someone has a HUGE stomach, you shouldn't tell them that because that's not nice. I didn't even tell Huber he's fat (Huber is our friend who was here at the time). Instead, you should just say, 'Hey! What did you eat today? Was it good?'" O...M...G.

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Thursday)...

1) Yes, I can tell the difference when I don't drink my usual half of a pot of coffee in the morning. {grumble grumble}

2) Contemplated the whole What Would Jesus Do? (WWJD?) "campaign". I mean, how do we know what the dude would do? It's not like we can email him after the fact and say, "Hey buddy. How'd I do? Would you have dumped the cheating wench's ass too or would you have forgiven her and given her another chance?" I mean, aren't there more practical people we could use as an example? Like WWOD (What Would Oprah Do?). Or WWDPD? (What Would Dr. Phil Do?). At least we have a shot of contacting the two of them to find out if we're still worthy of wearing the bracelet.

3) Have decided that I honestly don't know how much longer my life can go on if I don't just give in and buy the Betty Crocker Bake and Fill Cake Pan. See, now you all think I'm being sarcastic, but I'm totally not. I am mesmerized by that damn thing every time the stupid commercial comes on. I've been known to push Grace out of the way if she gets in the way while I'm watching it. I.... must.... have.... that.... pan....

4) Met my friend from an internet board and her husband tonight for a few hours. I called him a wuss within 15 minutes of him being here. When they left, they took with them, the entire case of beer I bought. I don't think they're coming back.

5) I don't think I blame them.

6) Dear Mr./Mrs./Ms. Pig Roast Attendee, No, I do NOT need you to bring a dessert. I truly appreciate the offer, but this is quickly turning into a cake walk or bake sale which isn't nearly as much fun when you're drunk as a pig roast is! Please bring a bag of Guacamole Doritos instead. Thank you.

7) The Kids on Crack were back in action tonight. Except this time, Grace had donned her new brown leather biker boots, so it was much more superhero-like (and more painful for Hannah).

8) I want a pair of badass biker bitch boots too. Matching ones. Who dares me to get 'em?

9) Decided to start referring to all vaginas as "moths" after yesterday's little, um, mix up. I wonder if they're attracted to light the same way real moths are.

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Wednesday)...

1) Ran across the yard chasing my fatass cat when he darted out the door trying to catch a rabbit. He's strictly an indoor cat so I couldn't let him go. It was at 6:15 AM and I hadn't had any coffee yet. Can we say pissed?!

2) At 7:00 AM, heard a beeping in the basement and went to investigate. One of the smoke alarms was going off for no apparent reason, so I ripped the battery out. I'm now half deaf and if there really IS a fire before I replace that battery, we're not going to tell anyone what happened this morning. Understand people?

3) Became extremely annoyed with "Stanley Steemers" due to their misspelling of the word "steamer". (And I don't care if there's reasoning behind the spelling, like it's the dude's last name or something. It still aggravates me.)

4) Ate two beef sticks at 10:00 AM again. (I would've eaten four like yesterday, but there were only two left, dammit.)

5) Dug a bag of potato chips remnants out of my garbage can because I really wanted some to eat with the ham and cheese sandwich I had for lunch. (I'm classy like that.)

6) Received package from Gymboree. Always good. (And don't go rolling your eyes at me. I used gift cards the girls got for their birthdays and only spent an additional $5.00 over that amount. So yes, the girls will be donning overpriced clothing this fall, but I didn't pay for it, so it's all good.)

7) Made it a personal goal to call someone an Ass Clown at least once a day.

8) Made a huge To Do list this morning. I crossed off about 10 things and then as I did things not on the list, I wrote them on there just to be able to immediately cross them off. Do they have support groups for people like me? I'm sure they do. How do I Google that?

9) Wondered who at Hanes decided that their Hanes Sporty briefs for women are actually "sporty". Because truth be told, they're anything but "sporty" (unless we're talking Sumo wrestler). He should be fired.

10) Wanted to beat the living shit out of my "friend" who FOUR YEARS AGO gave my name and number to "Future Films for Families" (you know who you are). Those bastards are still calling me practically every day. No, I do NOT want your latest cartoon about the trials and tribulations of a little lost puppy for only $19.95. STOP CALLING ME!!!!!!

11) Used the word "unbeknownst" in a conversation today. I is so smart.

12) Found out Grace got in trouble today at school during computer class for using the word poopy. Hell, I just hope she used it in the right context.

13) Watched the girls jump off of their little picnic table in the playroom, laughing like two escaped mental ward patients (while I mumbled... "Crack. It has to be crack...").

14) Wondered what cruel twist of fate decided that Steve should always stink up the bathroom right before I have to go in there. What the hell did I do?

15) Had the propane in our grill run out right as I was about to throw our big ass marinated steaks on it. This meant I had to clean our electric griddle (which needs to be done in our bathtub right now which I had just cleaned hours before.). DAMMIT!!!!!

16) Was attacked by a killer moth the size of a bat.

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Tuesday)...

1) Briefly considered putting my children up for adoption around bathtime tonight. Apparently, splashing around and slapping each other's bare asses while Mommy screams at you to knock it off is hysterical. (Oh wait... it is kind of funny, isn't it?)

2) Wondered why there aren't people out there you can hire just to put your laundry away. I'll even fold it. Just hang it up and stuff it in drawers for me please.

3) Contemplated what a person in #3 would call themselves. A Laundry Keeper? Laundry Lady? Laundry Goddess?

4) Ate four beef sticks at 10:00 AM. Because I'm cool like that.

5) Was called "Stinky Butt" by my two-year-old as she chased me around slapping my fat ass. Yup. I'm raisin' my kids just fine, thank you very much.

6) Got annoyed when Steve got home from work at 1:00 instead of working a full day. I HATE that.

7) Felt guilty about being annoyed that Steve got home from work at 1:00 instead of working a full day.

8) Seriously, are my kids smoking crack? Because I really don't know what else could be making them act the way they do lately.

9) Got a little misty when I just turned around and saw Steve and Gracie cuddled up together, asleep on the floor.

10) Decided I need to start thinking about what kind of tattoo I want. (Stupid "Miami Ink" on Tuesday nights...)

11) Just fished a little bug out of my beer and then continued to drink the beer without a second thought. That's bad, isn't it? (Or good?)

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Monday)...

1) Took the girls to the park this morning. It involved some good clean fun, as well as some ridiculous, typical two and four year old tantrums. Good times I tell ya. (Not.)

2) Watched the girls try to beat the shit out of each other, not sure which one I was supposed to be rooting for.

3) Bought a new plug-in air freshner with a fan in a Clean Linen scent that wafts through the entire downstairs of our home. Ahhh...

4) I still have 4 bottles of refill oils that apparently don't fit into any plug-in currently on the market.

5) Wondered if I could use the aforementioned refills and just rub them on my skin like a perfume without breaking out in an unsightly rash.

6) MICHAEL WON ON "HELL'S KITCHEN!!!!" All is right with the world this evening.

7) Decided NOT to make my pasta salad for the pig roast since all of the "older people" are bringing "covered dishes" (their words, not mine) and me trying to make things without a kitchen is a pain in the ass.

8) Started planning what to wear for the pig roast. (That's pretty gay, isn't it?)

9) Am secretly relieved that Grace will be going to "school" (i.e., daycare) tomorrow for the first time in almost 3 weeks. I love the kid, but the break will be nice.

10) Have developed an irrational fear of rattlesnakes recently for no particular reason and am convinced one of us will be bitten by one in the near future.

11) Had a horrible nightmare at 3:00 in the morning last night about Grace getting bit by one. :( I apparently have issues.

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Sunday)...

1) Convinced my kids this morning that playing outside in the blazing heat would NOT be fun (contrary to what they believed) and that staying inside in the nice air conditioned house would be a blast.

2) Made my trip to several stores (see previous post) sans rugrats giving me both a feeling of accomplishment (saving so much cash) and pure glee (sniffing all of my new cleaning products).

3) Realized upon arriving home, that I did NOT buy the plug-in oil air freshener and a box of refills like I believed, but FOUR refills with not a thing to plug them into.

4) Went back to the store hours later to buy the plug-in unit I swear I had seen there earlier, but couldn't find it.

5) Bought a Power Puff girls video for Grace instead.

6) Washed every damn dish in this house at 9:30 tonight (in the bathroom sink) so I wouldn't have to see the mountain of crud tomorrow that normally greets me every morning.

7) Decided that Sunday must be "Crack Day" for the girls, because I swear to god, every Sunday evening, they're bouncing off the walls and acting like lunatics for hours until Steve and I reach our breaking point, turn off every light in the house, and force them to sit on the couch and veg out in front of the TV for 15 minutes before we put them to bed.

8) Want to know why I can't partake in "Crack Day" with them? God knows I could use the energy boost.

9) Just realized that maybe my new stinky cleaning products is what's making them act like little manics. Hmmm....

10) Received another 15 "yesses" for the pig roast next weekend. God help me...

Just call me Frugal Betty...

So I was on a mission today. This mission involved a combination of two of my latest obsessions... saving money and using cleaning products. That's right folks. The past few weeks have found me actually doing price comparisons at the grocery store, using some coupons here and there, and trying to get the best deal on things.

The past few days have also found me becoming addicted to cleaning products. But not just any cleaning products. Only those cleaning products that have a good strong scent so that people know you just cleaned. Nothing flowery though. Flowers won't fly in this house. I need fresh linen/potpourri/citrus type scents.

So when my parents took the girls back to the World's Largest General Store to feed the goats again, I ventured to our local Big Lots. I've been in there a few times, and I hear wonderful things about it. But I rarely wander in myself. Well holy crap I'm going to start! Everything is soooo cheap! I got a TON of lunch foods/snack type things for way less than I usually pay at the local Giant supermarket. Bags of chips for $.88. Croutons for $.79. Salad dressing for $1.00. And these are all brand name items. Then I walked into the cleaning aisle and had a field day. Wipes and fabric refreshers, and scented oil air fresheners, and Carpet Fresh, and all sorts of other sweet smelling items that titilated my nostrils and had me swooning in the aisle. I swear I almost went into olfactory overload. What bliss.

Finally, I hit the home/housewares area and hit paydirt again. I found a cotton jersey sheet/pillowcase set for Grace's bed (necessary for our overnight pigroast guests), and a mattress pad too since hers is literally destroyed. I walked out of there spending only $60 and literally had practically a full grocery order plus the sheets and mattress pad.

Now feeling powerful, I decided to see how much more money I could save today. We were in need of some lunch meat, but I decided to forego my usual stop at the chain grocery store, and instead head into town to hit the local meat market/deli. Holy SHIT! I got a pound of cheese for $2.45. A pound of sliced turkey breast for $5.00 (normally $8.99 at the grocery store), and a pound of chipped ham for $4.15. For those three normal weekly deli purchases at the grocery store, I spend about $20-$25. I got it today at the meat market for only $12! In celebration, I also bought half a pound of beef sticks (like Slim Jims). DOH! (And in case you're interested, there are 17 beef sticks in half a pound.)

So now as inconvenient as it may be, I have GOT to stop making multiple stops every week instead of trying to grab it all in one place. Sure, it's a little more time consuming, but my GOD, the money we'll save...

I'm off now to drink one of my $.20 fruit punches and eat some of my $1.25 Spongebob Squarepants Keebler Fudge Stripe cookies. Mmmm...

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Saturday)...

1) Got my Ebay auctions mailed at the post office. (This is a big thing for me, I assure you.)

2) Met with the accountant so Steve could send even more money to the evil government tax bastards.

3) Made a quick stop at the family reunion on my mom's side. It wouldn't be bad, but they have it at a state park every year in the same pavillion, which is about a mile away from the skanky ass restroom. And since it's a state park, alcoholic beverages are prohibited. Yeah. Fun. (I left after 30 minutes to bring Hannah home for a nap and Grace stayed there with my parents.)

4) Refrained from beating the living shit out of Steve when he spent three hours setting up the horseshoe pits for the pig roast next weekend, even though it was 5:00 and we were supposed to have been at his mom's for a picnic at 3:00.

5) Decided I couldn't yell at him since before the horseshoe pit project, he cleaned the ENTIRE basement, making it somewhat pleasant for the pig roast guests who will be using the bathroom down there.

6) Ate a whole fucking T-bone steak for dinner at my mother-in-law's house. Sweet!

7) Immediately following the inhalation of the steak, I ate the best dessert I've ever eaten in my life. Literally. It was like two layers of Tollhouse Cookie bars with a layer of creamcheese/cheesecake in between. I swear I think I orgasmed when I took the first bite.

8) Almost threw up after eating so much food.

9) The pig roast guest count keeps rising. On a whim, I sent out about 15 more invitations to all of Steve's aunts and uncles (and there are A LOT of them), figuring they'd never come on such short notice. Um, they're coming. We need a bigger pig.

10) Am sitting here laughing my ass off everytime I hear "Git 'er done!" coming from the TV behind me.

11) Just had a showdown with a skunk outside. I won. =)

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Friday)...

1) Slept in until 8:00. Granted, Hannah was sleeping with me from 2AM on, but still...

2) Cleaned the entire downstairs of the house. It sucked while I was doing it, but the end result is always a good feeling.

3) Chinese takeout for dinner. Mmmmm...

4) Reserved the pig roaster for next weekend. It's almost here baby! WOOHOO!

5) Had the expression "You can't judge a book by its cover" completely personified for me tonight.

6) Had some people over to hang out and drink beer. They challenged me to a Beer Pong match next weekend. Those silly, silly people...

7) Steve then told me I'm banned from the Beer Pong table this year until at least 10:00, since I didn't leave the table last year for 6 hours straight, virtually ignoring my guests. Whatever dude. Bite me.

8) I'm totally not looking forward to my busy day tomorrow. *sigh*

9) Filled out all applications for our medical insurance. Now if I could just find the girls' social security numbers...

10) Got invited to go out boating (sans children) on Sunday with the neighbors. COOL!

So this afternoon, my mom and I decided to take the girls to Country Junction, a big warehouse/store type place in town which likes to calls itself "The World's Largest General Store". I made quite a few observations while there.

<----- First of all, this huge frickin' elephant head the girls are standing next to is actually for sale. You can own it for only $18,000 (I shit you not.) So I'm thinking, if you can afford $18,000 for a fucking fake elephant head AND you have somewhere large enough to put it, what, may I ask are you doing in a place called "The World's Largest General Store?" I mean, shouldn't you be in like, Africa, on a safari, shooting a real elephant or something? So I took the girls' picture next to it for size comparison. I told Grace to pretend she was picking its "nose" (trunk), but my mom yelled at us. Big party pooper...


So then, in the same area of the store, we stumble upon an alligator, with it's mouth open and a vicious expression on his face. Again, going for humor and ignoring all typical "motherly" behavior, I told Grace to stick her head in its mouth and pretend to be scared. *Snort!* (My mom yelled at us again, so we settled for her hand.)


Then we walked around the corner and decided that monkeys are cool too. --->

Finally we ventured outside to the petting zoo, which is nothing more than two llamas and about a bazillion goats in one pen, and some rooster-type fucked up birds in another. After about an hour (literally), Grace decideds that she's not afraid of them, and that she will feed them out of their hand. Great. Because her catching some deadly disease from the animals' snot and spit is something I'm really looking forward to. Anyway, she was so proud she did it. She kept yelling at the goats who were being hogs with the food, and periodically would step back and say in a very "motherly" tone, "It's OK guys. I'll feed all of you. Just relax!"

On our way out of the "pseudo zoo", we were faced with the blasted bubblegum machines. (Be DAMNED the man who invented them!) After a slight argument between Grace & I, I nixed all gum and candy and told her she could pick between a sticker, a temporary tattoo, or a cute beaded bracelet (what Hannah chose... Thank you Hannah!!) She wanted a tattoo and there was no changing her mind. I explained repeatedly before pushing that money into the coin slot that she had NO choice in which tattoo she got and that whatever came out was hers and I wasn't buying another one. What did she get? An 3" high evil looking snake wrapped around a dagger. That's nice. Real nice. It got worse when we got home, she leaned over and rested her hands on top of the toilet, yanked her T-shirt over her head, and demanded I put the tattoo on her back, right above the waistband of her underwear. Yup. Nothing like having a biker chick hoochie for a daughter. Sweet! (Payback really is a bitch, isn't it?)

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Thursday)...

1) Got a whopping 4 hours of sleep, thanks to a 2-year-old who decided that 3:30 AM was a fine time to wake up and not go back to sleep for 2 hours.

2) Had an anxiety attack around 4:30 AM regarding the current status of the kitchen and coming to the realization that it probably won't be done by Christmas. Like, for real. It won't be. We usually host Christmas for our families so god only knows what will happen this year. :(

3) Walked into the play room at one point to find Hannah trying to pull off Grace's underwear while laughing like possessed by the devil himself. Good times in the Lienhard house, I tell ya.

4) Discovered that Grace really likes the Mary Kate & Ashley movies my mom's been picking up in the Bargain Bin for $1.00 at the local Big Lots. God help me...

5) A new aforementioned Mary Kate & Ashley movie is the reason Grace decided to sleep at my parent's house tonight, telling me, "Don't tell Hannah. I want to go by myself!"

6) Took the girls to the "World's Largest General Store" for a fun afternoon of sliding board activity, petting zoo fun, and looking at all the fake animals throughout the store.

7) While there, avoided the kitchen department at all costs in fear of running into Kitchen Guy #2.

8) Realized after we got home that I really could tell them we were at an amusement park/zoo and they wouldn't know the difference. (And the admission is free...)

9) Decided Grace really is the coolest kid on the planet.

10) Decided Hannah's the sweetest, most polite kid on the planet.

11) Decided that neither of them takes after their parents.

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Wednesday)...

1) Talked to Kitchen Guy #2 about possibly not buying the cabinets through him, and managed to NOT throw up while doing so.

2) Dumped my freshly made salad (no dressing yet) onto the floor of the temporary kitchen (i.e., carpeted sunroom), which included about a cup of shredded cheese. (It's not easy picking finely shredded cheese off of carpet, lemme tell ya.)

3) Found long lost email I was looking for and can now perhaps get us some medical insurance or something. (God, I suck.)

4) The phone's not working (lightning last night perhaps?). This is a combination of a good thing and a bad thing.

5) Finally called our friends about the pig for the pig roast, so at least we weren't lying on our invitations.

6) Ate Honey Nut Cheerios for dinner. I love nights like that. (And I must say I'm proud of myself for choosing them over the cookies & cream ice cream with chocolate syrup that I was going to eat for dinner.)

7) Grace has been gone since 9:00 this morning and she's sleeping at my mother-in-law's tonight. I miss her. :(

8) Fixed the phone all by myself by going outside and turning a few screws on the junction box thingy. I rock.

9) Received a new catalog in the mail from another overpriced children's clothing place. But...but... the stuff is so cute! Dammit.

10) I get to sleep with my husband tonight. YEEHAW baby!!!

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Tuesday)...

1) Slept in until 8:30. Sa-weet!

2) Accomplished quite a bit, including washing the cat piss smelling quilt, sheets, and random towels that were in a garbage bag in our "kitchen"/storage room upstairs and have been sitting there for oh, about a year now.

3) Was oh-so-proud when I told Grace, "You're so pretty, Sweetie" and she responded by belching right in my face... Loudly. *sigh* (There's always Hannah... There's always Hannah... There's always Hannah...)

4) Had an "incident" today when Grace somehow managed to get my nasal spray off my computer desk and spray it up one of her nostrils. All was good until 5 minutes later when she was screaming that her nose hurt. This screaming/crying/meltdown continued for a good half hour or so, and when I eventually pulled that mom crap and said, "See why you shouldn't touch Mommy's stuff?" and she said (between sobs and very angrily), "Well YOU shouldn't have had it there where I could get it! It's YOUR fault!"

5) Hung my head in shame when I realized my four-year-old was right. *sigh*

6) Realized I have no choice but to be "the one" that talks to Kitchen Guy #2 about wanting a blueprint but no cabinets since he's coming tomorrow morning to get exact measurements of the room and Steve will be working. Great. Real fucking great.

7) Watched the second episode of Miami Ink on TLC and have now decided I don't want a tattoo... I need a tattoo.

8) I was in the backyard with the girls after dinner in shorts and a fairly tight tank top and no bra (since it's too fucking hot). Well, as fate would have it, Steve's high school buddy stopped by. Great. Then the neighbor walks over to show us some samples of floor tiles for the kitchen. Even better. As if this wasn't uncomfortable enough, and as if there wasn't enough stress wondering if my nipples were hard, I realize that I have HUGE sweat marks on my shirt, right under my boobs. Yeah. I'm real proud of that moment.

9) I am now paranoid becuase after everyone left, Steve informed me that at one point when I bent over, he could see my nipples and I've spent every second since then desperately trying to remember if I bent over at all in front of the other two guys. If the neighbor starts calling me "Nips", I'm moving.

10) In re-reading the first nine items in this list, have realized that I really am white trash, raising white trash children. Nice. Real nice.

11) Realized I forgot to call the guy that's getting us a pig for the pig roast. I suck.

Blackballs...

I swear. Kitchen designers/cabinet makers across this great united nation are going to hate me and Steve. I'm telling you, if there's a "List of Blackballed Kitchen Remodelers", we're on it.

Sooo... Steve was showing the neighbor (who is already going to get us our ceramic floor tile dirt cheap) our new kitchen designs. Long story short, he can get us our cabinets dirt cheap too. We're talking like 80% off of the price we were quoted from the new design place. I'm talking like what we thought was going to cost us $16,000- $17,000 could potentially "only" cost us $3,000-$4,000. "How?" you ask. (Or perhaps you don't, but I'm going to tell you anyway.) He works for a kitchen cabinet factory. And he's really high up on their totem pole. Basically, the company he works for is the place that makes them. Then they sell them to places like Lowe's and Home Depot and other kitchen design places for a 30% markup. And they sell them to the average Joe Schmoe (like us) for an additional 50% markup. But he can get us the cabinets without any markup. SWEET!

All he needs is an "official" full-fledged blue print of the design. Um yeah. So now we're trying to figure out how to tell wonderful Mr. Randy at "The World's Largest General Store" that we would like a blueprint from him (which I don't think they charge anything for normally because they assume people will buy the cabinets from them), but no cabinets. *sigh* We're hoping we can throw the guy a few hundred bucks in cash and tell him to consider it a "side job" and hope he doesn't want to kick our ass. But $10,000 in savings is just WAY too much to not take advantage of. I mean, my god, we could end up spending less for the total kitchen than we expected to pay for just the cabinets, sans countertops, floors, backsplash, appliances, plumbing, electrical work, etc.

So I've now, once again convinced Steve that he needs to be the one that tells Randy. I'm not. I don't do well with that kind of shit.

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Monday)...

1) Both girls slept into the 7:00 hour this morning. 7:01 to be exact. I'll take it.

2) Enjoyed the fantastic thunderstorm this morning when we woke up. (Thunderstorms rock!)

3) Only had to spend about 90 minutes total outside today in the sweltering heat.

4) Hell's Kitchen starts in 10 minutes. LOVE that show!

5) Just ate a delectable stromboli from my favorite Italian eatery. (And have some leftovers for lunch tomorrow.)

6) Wanted to beat the living shit out of Steve in the grocery store tonight when he spent literally ten minutes in the bakery department trying to decide which container of fresh baked cookies to buy. "Dude, I'm HUNGRY! Pick some fucking cookies and let's GO for the love of god!"

7) Both girls are spending the night at my parents' house tonight and Steve heads off to work in the morning. That means I can SLEEP IN!!!!

8) Laughed when Grace told Steve, "She loves him, but she doesn't like his fuzz." (She meant his goatee because it scratches her when she kisses him.)

9) Only have about 25 dishes/sippy cups/plastic utensils to wash in the bathroom sink tonight, as compared to the usual 5 billion.

10) The girls outfits matched today. I take great pleasure in this for some reason.

11) OK, so I came back to add this after "Hell's Kitchen" ended. Thank GOD Jessica is gone! I didn't dislike her really, but she certainly wasn't on the same level as Michael and Ralph. I cannot wait until next week. GO MICHAEL! (Yes, I'm that pathetic.)

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Sunday)...

1) Transformed my house from a pig sty to a moderately clean home for humans. The fact that I vacummed every square foot of carpeting and every area rug at the same time in one day is something to be proud of.

2) Managed to keep the girls in the fantastically air conditioned house until noon today, when I just couldn't take the whining anymore, and finally headed out into the sweltering heat.

3) My mother-in-law took Grace to her house for a few hours, coincidentally when Hannah was napping, so I had a whole hour and 15 minutes of "free time".

4) Snuck in a quickie in the living room during the above mentioned "free time".

5) My Ebay auctions ended at a grand total of $126.11. Not bad. Not bad at all...

6) Had an "Awwww!" moment when I glanced out my bedroom window and saw Steve sitting in the girls "club house" with them on the swingset. So sweet. Then I figured out he was teaching them how to do the Catholic sign of the cross and "the moment" ended abruptly. (I'm kidding. No hate mail please.)

7) Just ate a HUGE Hershey bar dunked right into the big ass jar of peanut butter and felt absolutely no guilt what-so-ever.

8) Decided my children must have smoked crack at some point today when I wasn't looking because NO "natural high" could've had them acting the way they were acting tonight.

9) Wished I had smoked crack with them.

10) Realized we haven't actually secured the "guest of honor" for the pig roast in two weeks. A pig roast without a pig would pretty much suck, huh? I need to get on that ASAP...

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Saturday)...

1) Managed to not fall asleep while standing up after getting a total of about 90 minutes of sleep last night.

2) Although still hot today, it was at least tolerable and the girls and I were able to spend most of the day outside.

3) Snagged a whopping 30-minute nap when the girls' naps overlapped. *sigh*

4) Didn't have to work at getting Hannah down for her nap since I walked out of the room to heat up her greenbeans, and walked back in literally 2 minutes later to find her out cold, face down on the floor in front of the play kitchen.

5) Found out we could possibly save an additional $10,000 on our kitchen cabinets. Can't beat that. :)

6) I have only 15 minutes left until I can put both girls to bed and crash myself.

7) This is the most boring, unfunny blog entry I've ever written, but I don't give a shit because I'm the walking dead right now.

8) Already have 50 or so confirmations for our pig roast, and are expecting about 50 more (possibly even more than that). I'm seriously scared. Scared shitless.

9) Mashed potatoes are good.

10) Ebay auctions: $92.52.

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Friday)...

1) Managed to control myself when every ounce of my being wanted to beat the living tar out of both of my children. :)

2) Managed to get both hellions to nap today with about an hour of overlap. A very rare occurance indeed.

3) Had Long John Silver's for dinner. Ahoy matey!

4) Upon arriving at the local park, saw about 15 teenage boys smoking like fiends and trying to keep their way-too-large, hanging-down-past-their-asses pants up while playing basketball and decided I'm glad I have two girls.

5) At the same park, saw a teenage mother (god bless her) and another girl who was wearing a skirt short enough to pretty much be pointless and thought that maybe two boys wouldn't be so bad after all.

6) Hid in shame when Grace also saw the boys and yelled loudly enough for the whole town to hear, "HEY! You can see their underwear!"

7) Walked around for hours with blobs of lavendar cream blush smeared on my cheeks (Grace put it there) because I forgot about it and no one mentioned it to me.

8) Had Steve inform me that while waiting for his turn to get a haircut he was reading "Glamour" magazine and got a "half hard on" while reading an article of sex tips for women. He says I should subscribe to it. I told him to fuck off and bite me.

9) Added doll #1,345,688 to Hannah's collection because it was easier to spend the $3.99 on the plastic piece of crap with choking hazards included than it would've been to deal with the tantrum that would've occurred had I said no.

10) Ebay auctions are at $79.24 and climbing.

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Thursday)...

Shit. I almost forgot to do this today and now I'm tired, so don't expect anything good...

1) Discovered that if you stare at Hannah's closet door long enough, the wood grain in it takes on the shape of the head of Davey Crockett (complete with coonskin cap) with a mullet. Or Jesus. Whichever suits you.

2) Decided that the happiness and glee of my children is NOT worth taking them to one of the local parks in sweltering heat where sweat is dripping in my eyes and my boobs are sticking to each other. Let them color in the air conditioned house, I say.

3) Found out an old co-worker I haven't seen in years is coming to the pig roast.

4) Am worried because the old co-worker mentioned in #3 is married to a girl named Patience whom I've never met. I just know I'm going to get drunk and start singing "Patience" by Guns & Roses at her, thinking I'm funny as all hell and then realizing the next day that I was being a total asshole.

5) Managed to offend/upset/piss off about half (or more) of my internet board by bitching about breastfeeding tee shirts, support bracelets, etc.

6) Then realized that most of those offended people probably already think I'm a complete tactless idiot and don't really care what the hell I say or bitch about because, well, it's me saying it and they expect me to say stupid things.

7) Ditched the girls at Grandma's house and enjoyed hot wings and beer at a local bar where we used to go every Thursday night for Wing Night pre-kids. *sigh* I really miss Wing Night...

8) Had to retreive the girls from Grandma's house after Wing Night because even though they were supposed to sleep over, Grace decided she "missed Salinger" (Salinger is our fatass cat) and needed to come home.

9) Had that "tingly Noxema face orgasm" twice today. I'll sleep well tonight.

10) Came to the conclusion that leaving the house sans makeup and generally looking like hell is fate's invitation to make sure I run into someone from high school that I haven't seen in about 10 years so they don't realize I don't always look that bad.

Smackdown 2005...

So I had "a moment" today. A moment when I had to fight every ounce of my being not to beat the ass of the woman in the checkout line next to me in the grocery store this morning. The sign for that line clearly said "Express Line: 15 items or Less". Not 51 items. Not 155 items. FIFTEEN!

So there are about 5 checkout lines open with cashiers, plus the two lines where you check yourself out. Not bad for a Wednesday morning at 10:00. A totally acceptable number of open checkout lines in my opinion.

So anyway, I have a full order (entire cart) and I'm patiently waiting in line behind the other 2 people in front of me who also have a full order. So I see this older woman (older as in 50-ish, not 90), who I swear to GOD looked like a skinny Jay Leno with glasses, start pushing her overflowing shopping cart towards the express lane. The cashier in that line (a pretty blonde high school girl), says politely, "Oh, this is an express lane." Jay Leno Bitch gets mean and says, "I can't wait three hours to checkout. This is a madhouse in here!" Yes ma'am. The other 6 of us at the front of the store are a regular fucking mob scene let me tell you.

The cashier, god bless her, just shuts her mouth as the Jay Leno Bitch starts piling her 551 items onto the checkout belt. As Jay Leno Bitch starts mumbling things under her breath, I'm ready to knock over the candy display seperating me from her and go postal on her ass. Not because she directly affected me since I had more than 15 items and wasn't in that lane (see how that works?). But because I despise ignorant, holier-than-thou people. Just who the hell did this woman think she was? (Perhaps Jay Leno?)

So about 2 minutes later, this poor woman walks up with not even a cart, but one of those shopping baskets, with 3 items in it. She glances at the Express Lane sign and then sees the psycho bitch's order now piled 8-feet high on the checkout counter. Her face showed shock, disgust,and horror all at once. The cashier happened to catch the look and says with a voice dripping with sarcasm, "Yes. It is an Express Lane." Score one for the cashier. I hope you're embarrassed Jay Leno Bitch. Yet somehow I doubt it.

See, she wasn't supposed to "wait three hours" to checkout with her 85 billion items, but apparently, those three (yes, now three) customers behind you with nothing more than a loaf of bread and a carton of milk are supposed to wait three hours while you hold up the Express Lane with your fat ass.

What the fuck is wrong with people? I hope the blood in her shrinkwrapped steak leaked all over the rest of her groceries on her way home and that she gets some sort of bacterial disease. Bitch.

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Wednesday)...

1) Ebay auctions currently at $64.21 with four days left.

2) Succumbed (Is that spelled right? It doesn't look right...) to societal pressures and bought the new Herr's Steak & Worcestershire flavored potato chips. (It's research for my new chip flavor crusade. Yeah. That's it...)

3) Had a tongue orgasm upon tasting the delectable treat mentioned in #2.

4) Went grocery shopping and mentally beat a woman's ass in the checkout next to me (please see today's other blog entry for details.)

5) The McDonald's (or Smickdonald's in Hannah speak) bacon, egg & cheese biscuit I got for breakfast upon completing our trip to the grocery store. A finer breakfast food does not exist.

6) Picked my underwear out of my ass crack about 18 times today. Screw it. I'm going back to my granny undies and my thongs (at least they're supposed to be up my ass).

7) Contemplated cutting my toenails several times after gouging my own leg with them, but was too lazy to actually do it.

8) Managed to wash my crockpot in my teeny tiny bathroom pedastal sink. (This is quite a task lemme tell you, and always gives me a great sense of accomplishment upon completion.)

9) Decided that a shower isn't really a shower unless you use Noxema. Seriously. Regular soap does the job and all, but that tingly Noxema face is what makes it a great shower.

10) Decided that from now on, I will only answer to the name "Assmunch".

$25.01! $25.01! My ebay auctions are now...

at $25.01! Sweet! (Maybe I will be able to buy those lightbulbs for our new kitchen after all! Dare I dream?...)

Chip off the old block...

So I'm sitting here munching on some of my favorite potato chips (Herr's Salt & Pepper Chips) and I start thinking (always dangerous). Do you realize how many flavors of potato chips there are? My god. We've got salt & pepper, sour cream & onion, salt & vinegar (another personal favorite), BBQ, ketchup (which I personally find positively disgusting), Old Chesapeke Bay (or Hudson Bay or Bay of Pigs or whatever the hell it is... something with a crab on it), cajun chips, sour cream & cheddar... The list goes on and on.

So then I start thinking some more (head for cover people), and decide I should invent a new flavor of potato chips. I mean, obviously people aren't satisfied with a just a plain deep fried potato crisp. We must now add condiment flavors to them to make them worthy of consumption. So I start brainstorming. What could be America's Newest Potato Chip Flavor thought up by little ol' me?

• Salt & Mustard chips? (It can't be any worse than ketchup if you think about it.)
• Lemon Pepper chips? (I'd buy 'em.)
• Garlic and Onion chips? (Actually, those don't sound so bad... Hmmm...)
• Chocolate covered chips? (For those PMS-y moments when you can't decide if you want salty or sweet...)
• Ham flavored chips? (Don't tell me you've never crushed up chips in your ham sandwich...)
  How about Gravy Chips? (French fries with gravy are a big thing around here. May as well add that great gravy flavor to another form of the potato, right?)
• Broccoli chips? (For vegetarians.)
• Bacon chips? (For those mornings there's no time for a real breakfast.)
• Shrimp chips or scallop chips or lobster chips (for your gourmet parties)
• Muskrat chips (perfect for those hoedowns in the barn)
• Venison chips (which I truly believe my husband and my in-laws would buy).
  

I could go on and on. Yup, that's it. My head has way too many ideas. I'm sooo calling the guy who figures out how to take real food and "trap" it's flavor in some sort of disgusting, colored powder sprinkled on potato chips. (I wonder what his major was in college?)

You read it here first people. When my face is on the Herr's or Ruffles bag the next time you visit your local grocery store, don't say I didn't warn you...

(Tomorrow we'll discuss dips...)

{Adding this later... Holy shit. I just checked out the Herr's website and their newest flavors are Bacon & Horseradish and Steak & Worcestershire. Are you fucking kidding me?}

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Tuesday)...

1) Cinnamon Altoids. Lots of 'em. Addictions are evil.

2) Discovered that I do indeed like Balsamic Vinaigrette salad dressing. (I swear I tried it once before and hated it. But I just gave it another whirl and I really like it. Exciting stuff, I tell ya...)

3) Finally got some of Hannah's blasted outgrown Gymboree clothing listed on Ebay. Pain... in... the... ass...

4) Steve called Kitchen Cabinet Guy #1 and told him we couldn't get the money for the kitchen (a lie) and that we won't be needing his services now (or ever). A huge relief.

5) Called Kitchen Cabinet Guy #2 and he's coming next week to take "official" measurements and will then draw up a blueprint. That means Steve will finally be able to start getting some work done in there again. Praise the freakin' lord! I will have a kitchen by Christmas (um, maybe).

6) At this point, I'm guaranteed to make $19.02 on my ebay auctions. Hey, it's $19.02 more than I had this morning and there's still 4 days left.

7) Conversation with Hannah today:
Me: "Hey Hanner Bananer, are you hungry?"
Hannah: "Yeah."
Me: "What do you want to eat for supper?"
Hannah: "Nothing, Poopy Head."
Niiiice...

8) Kappster made me a new sig for my online internet boards and it's stunning.

9) Gracie got a haircut and looks adorable with her new little bob.

10) Watched the first episode of "Miami Ink" on TLC. Now I want a tattoo. ;)

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Monday)...

1) Ate Lucky Charms for breakfast. (Seriously, this Lucky Charms kick I'm on lately is really bizarre. I hadn't eaten Lucky Charms in about 10 years. And now all of a sudden, I can't get enough of 'em. Perhaps I'm horny for leprechauns?)

2) Swam half the day in the girls' inflatible pool, and on several occasions, wondered why there isn't a law against someone with a gut and ass like mine wearing a bathing suit outside of their own home during daylight hours.

3) Hannah experienced her first wedgie when I threw her (not literally) into the pool in just her bathing suit with nothing underneath (i.e., sans diaper). She told me she pooped, but when I spun her around, I saw she just had some suit up her butt, but she didn't know what that felt like. Happy sigh... my girl's first wedgie. Is there a spot in the baby book for that?

4) A girl on Dr. Phil (I HATE that man and never watch his show, but was flipping through the channels) was singing "Amazing Grace" and when I told Grace (my Grace) to listen and she'd hear her name, Hannah said, "What about Hannah? Where's Hannah?" (I immediately started composing an original song titled "Fantastic Hannah" in my head to avoid sibling rivalry and future therapy sessions.)

5) Received an email from a friend of mine who emailed me after reading this blog, admitting that her husband also sleeps with his hand on his wanker. So what gives guys? Do you see us ladies fingering ourselves in our sleep? I don't think so... Friggin' pigs.

6) "Hell's Kitchen" had me on the edge of my seat. Go Michael! Go home Jessica! (Seriously, HOW the hell is she still there?)

7) Realized halfway through "Hell's Kitchen" that I have one serious crush on Chef Ramsey. (Shut up Tracey.)

8) Paid another $450 toward my credit card debt ($400 more than my miminum payment this month). I'm almost there. Stupid fucking crooked credit card companies of cards I haven't used in literally SIX years, but that are still raping my bank account left and right. I swear, when I make my last payment to you bastards, I'm going to call you up and tell you to go f*ck yourselves.

9) Realized I'd like to marry the inventor of the crock pot, because they are the best invention ever. (Unless it was a chick that invented it. Then she gets me for one night of gratitude sex and that's it.)

10) Received a dorky e-card from a friend of mine who was visiting some sort of museum today. The "card" was from the submarine exhibit and literally made me LOL.

A few kitchen design pictures...

(Only because I'm so flippin' excited about it and want to tell the world about it. However, since very few people have the address to this blog, it's um kind of pointless. Play along, OK?)

Aerial view (the unit in the bottom right corner won't be there though. We need some wall space for baseboard heat. Bummer.):
Main wall (we may add some glass front doors on this wall, but we aren't sure yet):


Island and corner oven area:

Word travels fast...

So, the whole family went on our weekly adventure to fill up our water jugs at the natural spring in the next town over. You fill them at the town's Rod & Gun Club, where Steve is a member and we know most of the people. So we start filling up the jugs and our drunk friend, Dizzard, yells off the gun club balcony. So Steve starts to yell up to invite him to the pig roast and tell him his invite is in the mail (as of tomorrow actually) and he yells back, "Yeah. I heard about it! August 6th right? I'll be there!"

Um, excuse me? You heard about it? From who exactly? Not that we care, mind you. But not a single invitation has been mailed. We've told a few people here and there, but we have no idea who told him. LOL!

Moral of the story? We may have all sorts of people showing up that day that we didn't invite, but that heard it through the grapevine. That's cool and all, but man, it's scary when you live in a town that spreads news so fast. Remind me never to cheat on Steve. ;)

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Sunday)...

1) Slept in until 9:30! OMG! I feel like a new woman! (Until 10 minutes after the girls got home from my parents' house. Then it was back to dragging my ass. LOL!)

2) Went to my FIL's for a bit. It's a royal pain in the ass watching the girls there because of all the possible dangers (pool, snakes, bears...). But they had a blast (and no one drowned, got bitten or got eaten), which is all that matters I suppose.

3) The HUGE hunk of steak I had for dinner. I don't know how people cannot like red meat...

4) Cookies and cream ice cream with chocolate syrup. Yummm! (Food seems to have been an important part of my day today...)

5) Found out a couple we know is getting divorced after 25 years of marriage and four kids. She caught him with a stripper a few months ago and wanted to work it out, but he said he "just wants to be single right now". Asshole. But she's taking half of everything (which is a lot) so good for her.

6) Realized that if we don't buy or borrow a vacuum soon (since Steve tried to use ours for a boomerang), that I may lose my children under a large pile of cat hair, crumbs, and large fuzz balls.

7) Watched the first hour of the Jackie Gleason story/movie on TV tonight and wish I hadn't. I adored him growing up, and now realize he was a drunken asshole. How very disappointing. :(

8) Watched Gracie swim in her pool in the pouring down rain today and reminisced about how much fun that was when I was a kid. *sigh* Those were the days...

9) Decided that next time she swims in the rain, I'll swim with her.

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Saturday)...

1) The new kitchen design kicks ass. :)

2) Good sex. Good sex is always... well... good.

3) Both girls are spending the night at my parents' house. Nighttime isn't a big thrill when they're both gone, but I GET TO SLEEP IN TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4) We finally have a kitchen design we both love (and feel we aren't getting ripped off for).

5) Ate nachos with cheese for dinner. Ya gotta love days where your menu is reminiscent of your college years.

6) Kimmif got a complete Marbleworks set for $1.00 at a yardsale. Happy friends make me happy. ;)

7) Did I happen to mention I'm excited about the kitchen?

8) Pondered why the same exact hunk of deli ham tastes a billion times better when it's chipped than when it's sliced.

9) Had an unusually large number of hours of "me time."

10) Kitchen.

My Deep Thought of the Day...

So I was contemplating the saying "You don't know what you've got until it's gone." Ok. So if you think about this, it's kind of wrong. If whatever it was that you had is gone, then technically, the "you've got" part is wrong since you don't have it anymore, right? Shouldn't it be, "You don't know what you had until it's gone?"

Yeah. Stuff like that bugs me.

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Friday)...

1) Enjoyed a "picnic" dinner of chicken nuggets shared with the girls inside the tent set up in our playroom. But Grace insisted on having it zipped up and I put an end to the little event when I thought I was bordering on suffocation.

2) Grace picked up her play phone and pretended to talk into it... "Hello? I'd like to order a red lipstick that my brother can't have. Thanks. Bye. Oh wait! And a pizza please too!" Um, brother? Lipstick? Alrighty then..

3) Met with Kitchen Designer Dude #2, where hopefully we'll get some better prices on some cabinets.

4) Beer. Beer is good after a day like today.

5) Steve fell asleep in the recliner while holding his beer and then dumped said beer on himself in his sleep, which woke him up rather, um, suddenly. LMAO! (He wasn't nearly as amused by it.) Smooth move Einstein.

6) Whoever invented the toothpick is a genius (and a god).

7) Eating healthy food and small portions throughout the day means nothing if when evening rolls around, you are shoving every known junkfood known to man down your throat in portion sizes normally reserved for circus elephants.

8) Played a game of Chicken with the neighbor's garage door while trying to run under it before it shut. I almost lost.

9) Ate Lucky Charms for both breakfast AND lunch. Not because I had to. Just because Lucky Charms ROCK!

10) Contemplated why the General Mills folks just don't sell Lucky Charms as 100% marshmallows. I mean the "cereal" part sucks and looks like catfood. And everyone I've ever talked to said they were only eating it for the marshmallows. So why not tap into that market folks?

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Thursday)...

1) Told someone I know to fuck off. (Ok, so not actually to the person, but it still made me feel good.)

2) Finished painting the trim in the bathroom without injuring or killing myself. (A great feat considering the pisspoor excuse of a "ladder" Steve gave me to use.)

3) Ate some yogurt for breakfast. (This is a big thing for someone who normally eats a carmel-filled, creme coated chocolate cupcake for the "most important meal of the day".)

4) Had a coughing fit while eating a salad, which caused some sneezing, which caused a piece of projectile lettuce to launch from my mouth and stick to my computer screen. That was funny. (Lesson learned: Peppercorn Ranch dressing can act as glue in an emergency.)

5) Secured appointment for tomorrow with local kitchen remodel center to discuss getting cabinets at practically wholesale prices. YEEHAW and YAHOO!

6) People who are colorblind should not be allowed to decorate their own homes.

7) My cat just hacked up a hairball. How do they make those noises anyway? Creepy.

8) Had a conversation with a loud, strange, barefooted, drunk (or appeared to be) guy while purchasing cigarettes, milk, & orange Tic Tacs at the gas station. He called me ma'am when I left. I hate that.

9) Sang "Pour Some Sugar On Me" by Def Leppard really loudly in my car, while headbanging at a stoplight. I got a few strange looks, but I think they were just jealous.

10) Contemplated why Hush Puppies from Long John Silver's are called Hush Puppies and tried to figure out what kind of sick twisted individual names deep fried dough after loud dogs.

Oh Daddy...

So I got in an argument with my dad tonight. I know he's stressed out about his job situation and all, but jesus dude, take a chill pill and relax. And don't say my child is "bad" because I swear, I will kick your ass. Steve was there and I could tell he was kind of proud of me for sticking up for me and Grace. That's nice and all, but I feel bad. I HATE arguing with my parents. It doesn't happen often, so when it does, it makes me feel all icky and stuff. And like I should be grounded for talking back or something. *sigh*

So we've decided we may buy our kitchen cabinets through someone other than the designer, which is what we had been planning to do all along. We could possibly save ourselves thousands of dollars if we do it the new way. But seriously, I think I can honestly say that all I want for Christmas this year is a semi-functioning kitchen. I don't even need running water. Just some wood and a few makeshift countertops will do. Anything.

Wait. You know what? Come to think of it, I don't even need that stuff. How about just taking down those monstrous pieces of blue styrofoam that block off all entries into that side of the house? At least then I can sit in there and pretend that I'll one day be able to eat an entire meal again instead of a piece of grilled meat and a microwaveable side dish. And at a table even. Can you imagine? GASP! I'm pretty easy to please. Really I am.

So I bitched yesterday about not having any girlfriends. But I'm a loser. One of my high school friends (who happens to have a vagina) called yesterday morning (or two days ago? I don't remember...) and left a message asking if I wanted to get together sometime this week. I keep forgetting to call her. And when I do remember, I'm the middle of something I don't want to stop doing to make the phone call. I suck. I'll call her tomorrow and set something up for next week. Yeah. That's what I'll do...

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Wednesday)...

1) I finally painted the bathroom. It went from really bad baby blue to a pretty, dark sage color. Tomorrow I have to paint the trim. I hate painting trim. Ugh.

2) I was contacted by my old manager at FCG. I totally forgot that her and her husband own a consulting company that contracts out technical writers and pays WAY more than FCG did. YAHOO! I may start trying to pull in some gigs through her. And she'd be willing to work to get me a lot of work-from-home assignments.

3) Steve took the news about the bank loan WAY better than I thought he would. (Yeah, I didn't tell him until today.) He's pissed at the damn crooked piece of shit bank and not me, so that's a HUGE relief.

4) Sex in the afternoon really is more fun than nighttime sex sometimes.

5) Actually having to pay attention to prices and sales while grocery shopping adds a considerable amount of time onto the trip.

6) Fighting with a parent sucks more when you're an adult than when you were a kid and didn't give a shit.

7) Printed out all 60 pig roast invites today. I will get them in the mail tomorrow... I will get them in the mail tomorrow... I will get them in the mail tomorrow...

8) Long John Silver's chicken planks may be the best damn fast food on the planet.

9) I really need to start eating better. Or um, at all. *sigh*

10) I would screw Dave Navarro's brains out if given the opportunity. Granted, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't feel the same about me, but I can pretend it could happen in my little fantasy world. Play along, will ya?

Where are the chicks?

So I came to the conclusion today that I HATE not having "real life" girlfriends near me. I have a ton of internet girlfriends, and yes, I've met quite a few of them. I cherish their friendships. Truly, I do. But I get insanely jealous of other women when I hear things like, "My girlfriends and I are heading to the lake this weekend to drink, gossip and scrapbook." And "I had a 'Girls' Night Out' last night and we had a blast." *sigh*

I have female "acquaintances" that I see from time to time. And I have non-internet girlfriends, but unfortunately, none of them live very close by. And those that do live around here seem to have this weird obsession with their husbands and refuse to do anything without them. Now don't get me wrong... I'm all for happy marriages and the whole companionship that you get out of it. But for the love of GOD, it's OK to be apart for longer than it takes for one of you to take a shit. (And for all I know, they do that together too.)

I adore my guy friends. I really do. I didn't have many female friends in high school, because I found girls boring, catty, and general PITAs. I didn't want to buy GAP clothing and wear pink to fit in. I wanted to talk perverted (i.e., like a guy), hang out, and just have fun. I didn't care if I didn't know how to apply the latest makeup trend or if I didn't know what that move was called when the prissy ass cheerleaders did that stupid thing where they wiggled their fingers in the air after a cheer. (What is that anyway. The "inventor" of that should be shot.)

But now that I'm old and married and have kids and live with someone with a penis, I want that "girl connection". Mind you, I still don't give a rat's ass what the latest trends are. And I still hold firm to my belief that most woman are catty and jealous in general. But it sure would be nice to be able to go out for a night (or two... or seven) and bitch about men. Not in a mean, vindictive way. But in a Jesus-they-annoy-the-shit-out-of-me sort of way.

There's my sister, I suppose. But we have virtually nothing in common anymore. She has no children (never will either), she treats her dogs better than I treat my human kids (I hate dogs), and although I really do like my brother-in-law, they have a pretty unhealthy marriage and my minor bitches really pale in comparison to hers.

There's my brother's wife. But they live kind of far away (not really, but not in the same town either). She's alright I guess. I don't have anything against her, mind you. But we also don't have much in common either. Maybe once they have kids????

Then there's my other sister-in-law (Steve's brother's wife). We used to despise each other. To the point where we didn't even acknowledge each other's existance when we were in a room together. We actually get along fairly well now, and probably have a lot of the same bitching to do. But it's Jen. I so cannot call her to do things together. As much as we've grown and matured since our kids were born, we still don't have very much in common...

Dammit. I knew I should've worn more makeup in high school. I bet everything would be different if I had done that... ;)

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Tuesday)...

1) Scrubbed the hardwood in the living room on my hands and knees with vinegar water. Granted, it SUCKED at the time, but it really did need to be done (like Steve so kindly pointed out to me over the weekend), and it did give me a sense of accomplishment when I was done. (Bastard. I hate when he's right...)

2) Getting the finished pigroast invites from Kappilicious. They kick ass (and are funny as hell).

3) I love my mom to death and have very few complaints about her. But man can she piss me off sometimes. (Why is it that the people we love the most can piss us off the easiest?)

4) My downstairs bathroom is really ugly. Fake paneled wainscoting and baby blue paint are not a pretty combination. I need to paint it tomorrow.

5) Chef Boy R Dee mini raviolis are as good now as they were 20 years ago. Long live the Chef!

6) Watching Grace catch a football like she's a freakin' NFL pro (and seeing the look of pride on her face when we clapped for her). That girl is going to be good in sports.

7) I think I'd like to work at the gas station down the street a few days a week. I wonder if I'd get an employee discount on cigarettes...

8) I thought I was losing a ton of weight when my shorts almost fell down, but in reality, I think the elastic just broke on them. Dammit.

9) I realized I have some sort of twisted, bizarre crush on Steve Buschemi. (Is that even how you spell the poor guy's name? Some girlfriend I am...)

10) I also have a crush on Charlie from Good Morning America. What the hell is wrong with me?

10) I apparently don't know how to count past "10".

How is it...

...that someone can be 32 years old and still not know what they want to do with their lives in terms of a "career"? I enjoyed my previous gig of tech writing, but the fact that I don't miss it at all since leaving it 2.5 months ago, tells me I wasn't exactly "fulfilled" when I was doing it.

Is it bad that my favorite job ever was working at a video store back in college? And that if it paid the $65,000 a year I was getting as a "professional" a few months ago, I'd do it again in a heartbeat? How come all the job I'd like to do pay shit? *sigh* Dammit. I should've married a doctor. ;)

Highlights and Observations of the Day (Monday)...

1) Taking the girls to the park, McDonald's, and to rent some movies. I was sort of dreading it, but it was so much fun watching them have fun.

2) My friend from high school was there with her little boy too, so it was really nice to catch up and hang out.

3) She happens to be married to my dentist and he called her on her cell phone while we were at the park. She told him my other tooth cracked and when he told her to tell me to call him, I made a joke about not having insurance right now and that I had to wait. He told her to tell me not to worry about that and to call me if it bothers me. I love small towns and nice people. I thik I'll invite them to the pigroast.

4) Hannah falling asleep on the chair (which never happens) about 10 minutes after we got home. LOL!

5) Steve was in a good mood tonight when he got home from work and even grabbed my ass a few times. Whew! We're OK again for now.

6) Hell's Kitchen rocked tonight! All 2 hours of it.

7) I despise snotty, holier-than-thou people.

8) In observing Grace lately (since she's been in just her underwear a lot the past few days), I think she's going to grow up with a kick ass body that I can only dream of, with curves in all the right places. *jealous sigh*

9) Grace gave herself her first "hickey" today after sucking on the top to one of those baby bottle pop lollipops. I thought she just had a dirty ring around her mouth, but it wouldn't come off in the tub. So my four year old has a "hickey goatee". Fanfuckingtastic. LMFAO!

10) I keep telling myself I'm going to have a yardsale in a few weeks, when in reality, I know I'm full of shit.

11) I just drank the floatee things in my beer because, well, I just didn't care.

12) I washed my car today for only the third time ever since buying it four years ago.

Highlights and Observations of My Day (Sunday)...

1) Watching the first episode of "The Surreal Life" on VH1 and learning that Bronson Pinchot is a perv, that Janet chick is certifiable (or on drugs?), Jose Conseco (sp?) is a big oaf who has WAY too many muscles to be attractive, and that Carey Hart biker dude is HOT.

2) I ate about 5 hunks of generic string cheese and a container of yogurt all day. I'm hungry.

3) Frozen fish sticks dipped in ketchup aren't nearly as good as I remember them being when I was a kid.

4) I stay up WAY too late every night for some unknown reason and it's starting to kill me. I'm too tired to enjoy my kids. :(

5) I still look good in a baseball hat.

6) I feel fat next to my husband.

7) Steve and I need a vacation together. But it won't happen anytime soon.

8) I'm slowly becoming a shut-in and I really don't see that as being a problem, even though I know that logically it is.

9) I promised Grace I'd take her and Hannah to the park in the morning and then McDonald's for lunch and I really don't want to. (But I will... *sigh*)

10) I smoke too much.

Men Suck

What a fucking sucky day. Steve and I had our usual monthly (sometimes bi-monthly) blowout today about the house not being spotless. He'd like it to be spotless. I explained he's living in a fucking dreamworld. I will admit that I should get more done around here and I should clean more. But telling me to do it and lecturing me is exactly why I don't do it. I'm a spiteful bitch. You would think he would've learned this after knowing me for 7 years.

I also know he's stressed out beyond belief about our finances lately. That stupid kitchen, coupled with the usual bills, me not working, etc. has finally put him over the edge. I know he's under a lot of pressure. I really do. But don't imply that I'm living this carefree life where I don't give a shit and am flipping you the mental bird on a daily basis. And don't call me lazy. Because I will maim you.

Tomorrow's going to suck too. Tomorrow's when I'm going to inform him that due to recent events, the loan for the kitchen isn't going to be at the interest rate we had wanted. The bank called last week but I haven't had the balls (or the heart) to tell him yet. *sigh* If I'm divorced at the end of the day tomorrow, don't be surprised...

One tomboy and one girly girl...

And here we have my sweet girl Hannah. {happy sigh} I adore her. She was picking wild blueberries at my FIL's house in this picture (taken earlier today). Isn't she gorgeous?

Now don't get me wrong, I adore Grace too (the tomboy). But she's too damn active to get good pictures of. Ever. So I have come to terms with the fact that I will have a bazillion sweet photos of Hannah to look at one day, and a bazillion funny, dorky, laugh-out-loud photos of Grace to look at. It's the best of both worlds if you ask me. ;)

And here we have Grace, complete in her camoflauge shirt. LOL! Ya gotta love the kid. But I assure you, if there is one thing her friends will never accuse her of, it's being too feminine. I adore her in different ways.

Which brings me to my thoughts today. It amazes me how different two children that are the spawn of the same parents can be. I mean, for the most part, Grace and Hannah couldn't be more different if they tried.

First there's Grace who prefers salamanders and bugs and riding on Daddy's backhoe. She rarely sits still, would live outside if I let her, and literally has not one single girlfriend at daycare. She has this uncanny knack for becoming "best friends" with the worst behaved boy in the class. LOL! She's extremely athletic and could probably kick my ass if she wanted to (but don't tell her that). And the child has no fear. I'm telling you, she's going to be the one that gives us heartattacks when she's older.

And then there's Hannah. She adores her dolls and we go absolutely nowhere (including into the next room) without dragging along one of her way-too-big (for her), way-too-heavy (for her) dolls... Or two... Or three. She loves all things girly, is calm and quiet (most of the time), and oh so dainty. She hates when she's dirty, is often somewhat "prissy" with her attitude, and weighs about 10 lbs. soaking (not really, but close).

So I often sit and wonder how this will all play out as they get older. Will Grace be the volleyball/basketball/field hockey star, earning varisty letters in various sports while hanging with the guys not because she's interested in them on a romantic level, but becaus the girls she knows just aren't worthy competition in those one-on-one basketball games she likes to have at the park in the evenings? Will she be hunting with her Daddy when she's old enough?

And will Hannah remain the little feminine bookworm who would rather stay inside and read the latest best-selling novel than go outside and get dirty? Will she play in the band, and be "that girl" that all the boys want to date. (OK. The one they want to screw. I can't keep living in denial.)

Only time will tell I suppose...

Stupid Hole

How come that just when I think I've finally dug myself out of financial hell, something else seems to come up and I'm right back in the damn hole again? I hate money. Truly, I hate it. :(