Thursday Thirteen - June 29, 2006

OK. So originally, this started as a "13 Things That Made Me Laugh This Week" entry. But that just isn't me. Because frankly, although I laugh all day long, every day, and I make people laugh as much as possible (whether it be with me or at me), it's just not me. My bitterness is what makes me so endearing after all. ;)

So with that, I give you...

"THIRTEEN KINDS OF PEOPLE THAT ANNOY THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME"

(This may actually be a repeat, but I discover new people daily that annoy me, so it's all good. And pardon my French in advance...)

1. The assholes that don't use their turn signals. Seriously people, it's for your benefit. You know... so I don't like drive my badass Honda Accord through the ass end of your car.

2. Men and women that proclaim their undying love for their spouses to others, when in reality, they're really closet assholes/bitches that treat their spouses like shit behind closed doors.

3. Fake people. I hate fake people. One thing with me is that what you see is what you get. You either like it or you don't. Deal with it.

4. Girly girls. I'm sorry. I've tried being friends with them. I've tried being one. Hell, I even gave birth to one. But I can't stand 'em. I don't give a shit what you're wearing, what your hair looks like, where you shop, and if your nails are painted or not. I. Just. Don't. Care. I buy clothing at WalMart sometimes, I only get my hair cut twice a year, I love to shop at dollar stores, and I never, ever, ever paint my nails. Deal with it.

5. Parents who take their children to public places and then don't watch them. I had to "yell" at three separate kids yesterday at the indoor climber/play structure place I took the girls. Their parents were nowhere to be found. One obnoxious kid pushed Hannah. He was about 6. She's 3. He literally pushed her off of something he decided he wanted to play on. Another kid was thrashing around in the ball pit that is exclusively for kids age 2 and under. He was about 6. Get OUT of the fucking ball pit, you little shit! And where the fuck is your mother?? Because if MY kid acted like either of them did, they would've been dragged out of that place place so fast, their heads would spin. Oh wait! There they are... of in the corner with their nose in a book, not giving a rat's ass if you hurt other people's children. Nice. Real nice.

6. Slow people. I can't stand slow people. (Slow in relation to their actual speed... not in relation to their mental capacity. LOL!)

7. Metrosexuals. I dunno. I don't hate them mind you just because they are one. But I have to say that there's nothing even remotely manly about them either. I want a man in my life. You know... a real man. With ripped jeans, an old T-shirt, and mud on his face. Mmmm...

8. Whoever it was in Virginia that landed here on my blog by using the search term "braless wife flashing truck drivers." Sicko.

9. People who constantly talk about their looks. I can see you myself. I really don't need to actually hear about it from you. First of all, that's kind of egotistical and self-indulgent, don't you think. Second of all, most of us just really don't give a shit. So knock it off, OK?

10. Whoever the people are that started producing, selling, and marketing organic and all-natural foods. It's all Steve will buy. Great, right? No. Not really. Because there aren't very many "snack type" organic foods out there. You know.... like organic Doritios. Or organic ice cream with organic caramel-filled chocolate candy in it. So now I'm slowly withering away to nothing. I'm... getting.... weak.... Must... have.... processed.... food.... with.... artificial.... ingredients....

11. Adults who drive wearing their seatbelts, while their children run about the car as they please, climbing on the seat, standing next to the window, turned around and looking out the back window, etc. Hey at least you'll be all strapped in and have a good view of your children flying through the windshield. That's all that matters, right?

12. The inventor of the Slip & Slide. It's a royal pain in the ass to set up, and even more of a pain in the ass to take down. And it's not like it's the safest toy on the market... "Hey you! Yeah, you! The little five-year-old girl... run as fast as you possible can and then hurl yourself down this wet, slippery death trap. There you go! Good job!"

13. Brittney Spears. I've tried liking her. I've tried feeling sorry for her. But I just can't. She really is the epitome of a dumb blonde.

Holy shit! She's FIVE!

[sigh] Yesterday was Grace's fifth birthday. I can't believe she's that old already. It's bittersweet, lemme tell ya.

We had a fantastic day though. The sun was shining (yay for no more rain!) and my mom and I took the girls to an indoor climber/games place, where they had a blast!

Then we came home and played with her new basketball net. Of course, being the insanely athletic child that she is, we think we have to raise the net because there is practically no challenge there for her already. LOL!

After dinner, my parents, my in-laws, and my sister & BIL came over for cake and ice cream.

After everyone left, she was thrilled to discover that CBS was running a special on sharks. She is completely convinced that "they" knew it was her birthday and ran the show just for her because they know how much she loves sharks. LOL!

We all fell into bed completely exhausted. One more birthday party on July 8th for her daycare friends and we are done with birthdays for the year. I have to tell you, I'm not really sad about that... ;)

Make it stop.

(Apologies to those of you I know from the Mommy boards. This is a direct copy/paste because I'm tired and I'm lazy.)

The rain, I mean. It's crazy in this area. I don't care so much about the rain in and of itself. The girls have been complete troopers and all I have to say is thank god for couch cushions thrown on the floor, because they can provide an entire day of entertainment for two stir-crazy, housebound children.

But there are so many flooded areas. My poor dad has been up for about two days straight. They always get water in the downstairs of the house when it rains. My mom and dad have been taking turns doing "towel watch", putting towels down on the floor of the downstairs of their house, spinning them in the washer, and throwing them in the dryer, only to put them back down again. They're both exhausted.

My poor sister called my mom in tears this morning because their entire chain link fence around their yard collapsed. There's a (normally) small stream that runs behind their house that they and all of their neighbors have to cross (via small, 3 foot long bridges) to get to where most of them park their cars. The neighbor's bridge was completely swept away and is now in my sister's backyard. With her fence down, she couldn't let her dogs outside without being on leashes, and they have to fix it ASAP whenever this godd*mn rain decides to stop.

This is my sister's backyard. She was standing on her back porch when she took this picture and where you see water is normally her backyard. You know... with, like, grass and stuff. That white building is their garage.

You can see how fast the water is running in this picture. You can also see what was once her fence...

It did stop for a few hours this afternoon (when I let Grace run around and jump in mud puddles since she's been trapped inside for about a week now), but we're supposed to keep getting more rain for another day or two. It's just nuts.

There have been road closings, evacuations, and a few drownings in and around the area. Steve and I are lucky in that the way our property is, we never have water issues here. Our stream did flood the one side of Steve's garage down back, but other than a little bit of mud on his backhoe, and a bunch of big tree limbs and branches scattered around, it didn't cause any damage.

But seriously... it's time to stop now.

Hey guys. I'm alive. Sorry (again) for sucking at the blog thing. It was a crazy, busy weekend. Grace had her dress-rehearsal and then her recital for gymnastics. Lemme tell you, sitting in a way overcrowded, hot as balls gym for four and a half hours watching kids flip and tumble is only fun for like the first half hour. LOL! But she did great and it was cute to see her "perform".

She also had her last t-ball game on Saturday morning. I'm bummed. She really liked it and I actually liked watching her play. Looks like we may be signing her up for soccer.

Steve got the floor moulding all made and put in the kitchen this weekend and it looks fabulous. Go Steve!

Other than that, there was just some house-cleaning going on. Sounds thrilling, no?

And now we're all here today, trapped inside due to the second day of continuous torrential downpours going on outside. Yay. [sigh]

A few photo gifts for my friends...

Since it's my aim to please as many of my readers as possible, I offer these photo gifts to some of my friends...

Katherine, since you specifically requested it, I would like to submit Exhibit F of the "Tuckmaster." As you can see, her bulky turtleneck sweater was indeed tucked in.

And I would also like to take this opportunity to reiterate that I don't really think there's anything wrong with the way she dresses. And of course, some shirt really should be/need to be tucked in. And I don't even hate her anymore. Or even dislike her. I just think it's hysterical that before every single event when I know I'm going to see her, I know exactly what she's going to be wearing. And now that I've filled all of you in, we can start placing bets before each holiday on what color shirt we think she'll be wearing. It'll be FUN!

(And Melissa, she has always totally reminded me of Monica Lewinsky too! LMFAO! Of course, now she's practically a blonde [rolling eyes], so some of the resemblence is lost...)

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And next, I have a gift for Amber. I offer you, my dear friend, a picture of Dora's remains.

Actually, it's even more gruesome now. The day after the party, Grace ripped her face off and pulled her body from her head. What's funny is that the faceless, bodiless head is still hanging off our back porch. I know I really should take it down. But nothing makes me smile more than pulling in the driveway and seeing that little bitch's faceless head just dangling there by a string. Ahhhh...

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And for everyone else, I offer you this. Everybody needs a Grace. Seriously.

Down with Khaki...

OK. So to further support my claims about my sister-in-law, and how she always wears pretty much the same thing, I thought I'd share a few more photos from the past few years that I dug up. Let's note how in each and every picture, the bottom half of her is khaki and the top half of her is just a plain color. Also note, that all shirts are tucked in. (Seriously, what person under the age of 40 still tucks in their shirts?) And those shorts and pants you see in the pictures could very well be just one pair of shorts and one pair of pants that she's been wearing for 4 years now.

I think that if perhaps she wore cool khaki things, I'd be less likely to make fun of her. I mean I have never, EVER seen the girl in a pair of pants that are bootcut. Never. It's always straight legged, Eddie Bauer jeans. Very "momlike." How about some cargo pants? Or something with a slight flair at the bottom? Something a little bit low rise instead of the ones you wear with the waist at your belly button. Or, oh, I dunno... something with a stripe or a polka dot or a fucking heart on it or something for the love of god...

Anyway, I'm laughing to myself right now because I now realize that every single time I see this girl from now on, I'll have to take a picture so that I can post it and we can all make fun of her. Sweet.

And I am right now, thanking god that they don't own a computer and I'm 100% positive that she doesn't even know what a blog or google is...

Grace's 2nd Birthday Party - June 2003




Gunnar, Her Son's, 2nd Birthday Party - November 2003 (And who the hell names their kid Gunnar, anyway?)




Christmas 2003 (She looks so pleasant, doesn't she? And I swear on all things holy, that turtleneck sweater was tucked into her pants. I have another picture if you don't believe me.)



Hannah's 2nd Birthday - June 2005

I'm here! I'm here! (Like you care...)

God, I suck at this blogging thing lately. I'm afraid I have a new obsession taking up all of my time these days. See, my brother installed Paint Shop Pro on my laptop over the weekend (Shut up Kappy, it was free.) I've spent hours fooling around with digital scrapbooking elements and kits to make all sorts of fun stuff. Good times, I tell ya...

Anyway, not much going on around here. Still recovering (and cleaning up) from the big birthday bash this weekend. How is it that I spent literally days cleaning up the place before the party and now it's 4 days after the party and my house is still trashed? God knows I won't be winning any domestic goddess awards anytime soon.

Search Terms:
Pig, Web Set: Um, OK. The only thing we do with pigs around these parts is roast 'em.

Miami Ink Cat Leather Pants: I'm not even sure how these words are related, but it kind of scares me. Someone in Portland, Maine is gettin' their kinky groove on.

Davey Crockett and Coonskin Hat and Picture: I'm going to tell myself that a parent was helping their child search for stuff for their school project.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
ADDING FOR KF:

Here are two pictures of my SIL (albeit none of her actual face, but still... LOL!). Please note that she's wearing exactly what I said she would be. Khaki shorts and a plain colored short-sleeved shirt, tucked in of course. She's so damn predictable. ;) And I don't know what is up with her hair. She naturally has black hair. And I mean dark black. But she gets blonde highlights put in all the time. It varies with how many highlights she has each time, but at the party I just kept thinking "What the hell?" She has a ton of them right now and they look soooo unnatural. Black-haired people cannot pull of blonde highlights. I'm sorry. Get caramel. Get some auburn. But NOT blonde. Dear lord. It looks so unnatural it's almost laughable. I wish I had a better picture of her head, so you could all laugh too. LOL!

(That's her standing behind Hannah in her infamous khaki shorts.... probably bought at Eddie Bauer.)

Summer Exhaustion...

Steve filled up the girls' pool yesterday and they spent the whole day in there, since it was like 93 degrees. It wore them out to the point where they were both out cold by 7:00 last night, which was good for me since I had a midnight deadline last night. Of course, it also meant they were both up several times throughout the night and up for good at a godawful hour this morning. So I'm running on empty right now. But I got my work done last night, so that's all that matters, right? [sigh]

Anyway, here are some pictures of my little fish (or shark, in Grace's case).

Sorry (again), gang...

I originally planned to get online tonight, update y'all on the girls' birthday party, and post some pictures. But I am soooo friggin' tired, I can barely function. Today was a whirlwind of beer, juice boxes, sprinklers, presents, tons of food, cake, singing, crying, yelling, and all that other good stuff that comes along with a party.

Steve was virtually useless when it came to this shindig (more on that tomorrow), so to say I'm tired is a severe understatement.

So I'm going to leave you with just one or two pictures and call it a night...

We have Hannah with the cake...


And Grace with one of her favorite presents today [shaking head and wondering what the hell is wrong with my child... LOL!]...

Oh...

And because I want everyone to realize what kind of hellish turns my life takes daily, today, both girls were naked a good portion of it (long story). So at one point, Grace eats some jello and then walks up to me (naked).

Me: "Hey girl! Whassup?"
Her (grinning): Nothin'. Just saying 'hi'."

She then turns around to walk away and I see that she has stuck her spoon between her ass cheeks (the long way, pervs) and is walking around with a goddamn spoon stuck in her ass, thinking it's the funniest damn thing ever.

I swear to you on all things holy, I never thought I'd utter the words, "Get that spoon out of your butt! NOW!"

Please.... help....

Zzzzzzz....

Sorry gang. I'm beat. I spent ALL day cleaning the house for the Crackhead Dora birthday party tomorrow. I had no intention of cleaning the house that thoroughly. I was going to follow in Katherine's footsteps and just not do it.

It shouldn't have been a problem. We have a picnic pavilion down near the bottom of our backyard. It's where we have ALL of our spring/summer/fall parties. It's a bit away from the house, but it has electricity and a refrigerator and all that, so we just plug in the crockpots of food, throw the drinks and cold foods in the fridge and have it.

This means shade for everyone with only quick walks up to the house for random condiments and trips to the bathroom. So usually, I give the downstairs a quick pick-up, a hurried dusting, and maybe a quick swipe of the vacuum on the area rugs and call it a day. Beyond that, I make sure the crud inside the toilet bowl isn't too dark, and that's it.

But the pavilion is currently a disaster. Full of leaves, dirty, covered with pollen, and just dirty. I certainly wasn't going to clean it (that's Steve's job). And I couldn't see him getting it done on time for the party tomorrow. Not to mention it's supposed to be freakin' 91 damn degrees tomorrow.

So I made the executive decision to keep all food in the kitchen, and run the AC. We'll set up chairs and tables on the patio outside (which is in the shade), and then people can walk into the AC at will, hang out in here if they want to, I don't have to carry all of the damn food down to the pavilion, etc. But that meant more people in the house for longer periods of time. And that meant I had to clean. [sigh]

I'm still not even sure why I care if my house isn't spotless for a party. My mom knows I'm not a clean freak, so it's not like she'd be shocked. And I suppose my mother-in-law could say the same. My father-in-law wouldn't give a shit. My siblings could care less. Steve's friend (Grace's godfather) jokes with me about the colony of dust bunnies in our home. And the other couple we're friends with have known me since Jr. High, so they don't expect much from me.

So... that means I must clean for my sister-in-law. My goddamn sister-in-law. [sigh] She's married to Steve's brother. I won't even get into the past where there were family feuds, missed weddings, blatant ignoring, jealously beyond belief, and all sorts of other family fun.

All that seems to be water under the bridge these days. I mean, we're sure as hell not best friends, but we can have a conversation without wanting to throw down and rip each other's eyes out. I'd say we're several steps above civil, but not quite at "friend" status, where I'm going to call her just to chat and stuff.

And yet, the competitiveness still remains. The truth is, she was the one that was always competing with me. For the most part, I don't give a rat's ass what anyone else does/says/has/buys/etc. She, on the other hand, does. I buy my clothing at Old Navy and Aeropostale. She buys hers ONLY at Eddie Bauer. I drive a Honda Accord. She drives an SUV. I show up to family gigs in jeans, cargo pants, and girly tees with funny sayings on them. She shows up always in khaki shorts or pants and a plain colored short-sleeved or sleeveless shirt. (I'll post pictures tomorrow and we can all laugh when we see that I totally called her wardrobe for tomorrow's event.)

The thing is, she acts all sorts of classy and well off, but she's absolutely not. She makes about half as much as I do, is in a lot more debt, buys ridiculously frivilous things, and doesn't have a pot to piss in. Which is fine. But see, she acts like she does. And because of our past, I always feel the need to act unlike the true redneck hick that I am when she's around.

So anyway, because I don't want to give her reason to leave here tomorrow and comment what a pigsty we live in, I cleaned my ass off today. I Swiffered, Pledged, Windexed, Tided, polished, and bleached everything in sight. I had so many damn scents going on in this house today, I swear to god, I was stoned. I have no logical reason for why she motivates me to do this. From what I've heard, their house is in a constant state of "Holy shit! This is messy!" Piles of stuff everywhere, dust on every conceivable surface, dog hair that goes by like tumbleweed, etc. And yet, here I was today... cleaning my ass off, so as to give the impression that I totally have it all together at all times... kids home 5 days a week, working full-time hours, usually just at night with a stolen hour or two during the day sometimes, gymnastics class, T-Ball games, and all that other happy horseshit that makes up my life. Now you all know better than that. But see, she doesn't. So we're just going to keep it that way, OK? ;)

Don't you dare ask me why.

Why I drink I mean. Seriously. What a flippin' day.

So I finally get off my ass, shower, and head out to the car to start my ridiculous errand run afternoon. What do I discover upon getting into the car? A big splatter of bird shit right in my line of vision on my windshield. I should've just gotten out then and walked back into the house. I should've taken it as a sign from god that I would have a shitty day and should just give up. But noooo.... the fighter in me decided to put on my big girl panties and charge on through. Some highlights...

** I stop at the dollar store to grab some cheap crap to shove into cheap goody bags for the birthday party this weekend. Because if there's one thing that other mother's like, it's when their kids get cheap crap in goody bags at a party where they just overloaded on sugar.

** Pay for my loot and tell the lovely cashier (who has just given the evil eye to some rude Chinese dude that came in) that I parked across the street and that I'll leave one or two bags there while I run the five 2-bottles of soda over and the 24-pack of that disgusted colored juice in plastic barrel-shaped containers that kids seem to dig.

** She tells me that's fine, OR I can walk the cart across the street and bring it back over if I "think I can get across without getting hit by a car."

** Leave the store (with the cart), don't realize how uneven the sidewalks are, and somehow manage to upend the cart, sending bags of balloons, 2-liter bottles of soda, and 10 super bouncy balls flying all over the sidewalks of the busiest street in town.

** Throw the loot into the trunk of my car as quickly as possible and run the cart back across the street.

** Find previously mentioned cashier outside on a smoke break and she proceeds to start yakking my ear off about the rude Chinese guy that's apparently a regular customer (and a real dick), as well as the rude Mexican guy who came in yelling the F word until she asked him what the hell his problem was, and then he was nice to her. Oh... and the Mexican dude's wife was the most "scraggly-assed chick she'd ever seen." I didn't know this woman. At all.

** I told her to have a nice day and left.

** Went to WalMart for more shitty fun party stuff.

** Purchased the most disturbing looking pinata I've ever laid eyes on. Seriously. The girls wanted Dora. What they're getting is Strung Out Dora on Crack. No kidding. I will permanently scar all children that attend this party if I bring this thing out. Fucking creepy.

** Take the crap fun party stuff to the car and put the Crackhead Dora pinata in the front passenger seat, hoping to make anyone driving near or past me think that I have a demon-possessed toddler strapped in the car with me.

** Continued on to the grocery store for edible party shit .

** Had to keep a running tally on a calculator because I was paying in cash. Pain...in...the...ass...

** Also was required (as per Steve's orders) to read every flippin' box/bag/package because he's on this ridiculous organic/all natural foods kick. Seriously dude. When you're coming home telling me we're going to start eating bee pollen everyday for energy, you need to seek professional help.

** Got home and called Steve to see if he wanted beef tacos or chicken tacos tonight.

** Was told beef because "It'll be the last time we eat red meat." Um... excuse me? Come again. Because mama's gonna eat her motha fuckin' steak whether daddy-o likes it or not.

** Was then told that we're not even going to eat chicken, and instead, we'll eat just things like cabbage and spinach.

** Laughed hysterically, said, "Fuck you, you freak!", hung up, and proceeded to eat a big hunk of Rocky Road cake for lunch. Cabbage and spinach, my ass. Take that you damn all-natural, tree huggin', steak hatin' loser.

And then the rest of the night is a blur. I picked up the girls at my mom's hairdresser... carried a kicking and screaming Hannah to the car and had to yell at both of them ALL the way home for teasing, crying, fighting, and kicking... got home and took them outside in an attempt to wear them out... made conversation with a friend of ours who was dropping off some used Dora decorations... didn't care that at 8:30, the girls were filthy and still running around outside while Steve, the friend, and I hung out in the kitchen drinking beer and chatting... dragged them inside at what is normally bedtime to just start giving them a bath... sat them in front of the TV and started dinner (at 9:00) since my stomach was eating itself... ate... put children to bed... cracked open another beer... sat down to post this.

Now. I triple dog dare you to ask me why I drink...

Thursday Thirteen - June 15, 2006

Thirteen Things That Have

Chapped My Ass the Past Week

1. Missing the first hour of "Hell's Kitchen" on Monday because I totally lost track of the time when people were here Hannah's birthday. I swear I would've kicked every last one of 'em out of my house if I had realized what time it was.

2. Amber's post about her brother and that whorey scumbag, RUTH KELLNER (may as well get her name out as many places as possible, right Amber? LOL!). Between her and that son of a bitch, ROBERT MORRIS, I was ready to travel to wherever it is that they live now and kick their asses myself. People like that shouldn't be allowed to live.

3. My mom having a haircut appointment right after work today, meaning I have to get the girls at 3:30 pm. Boo hoo you say, right? Yeah. I know. It's just that I normally don't pick them up until around 6:00 and this is the worst day/week for my mom to not watch them that extra 2.5 hours. I have a big deadline this weekend AND I'm trying to get ready for Hannah's birthday party here this weekend. I have to do all of it by 3:30 pm today. Fuck.

4. Myself, for not remembering that the electric bill was automatically being taken out of my checking account this week, leaving me with a whopping $6.45 until next week.

5. My modem, that I had to keep resetting yesterday. Your days are numbered, you little bastard. As soon as I have some extra cash (in like 2 years), I'm replacing your ass with a wireless version.

6. The "Last Comic Standing" judges who put people in the top 12 that weren't even remotely funny compared to some of the others that you didn't put through. What the hell?

7. Finding out that a good friend of mine may be getting hurt by her bastard of a boyfriend. Pansy assed son of a bitch.

8. My mom making a comment this morning that she doesn't know how I'm going to be ready for a party this weekend, with undertones implying I have a lot of cleaning to do. Excuse me? The party's outside. Sure, I'll straighten up the house a bit and run a Swiffer around the floor. But other than that, I'm hanging some balloons in the pavilion, putting some food out in crockpots, opening a few bag of chips, and calling it a day. What the hell?

9. Grace's T-Ball coach telling her (nicely) she has to "give other kids a chance." Now, I actually do understand why she had to say something. But it's not mine (or Grace's) fault if the other wussy kids can't run as fast as mine and get to the ball before she does. Go Grace!!!!

10. Steve walking out of the house the other night to go down back (where I can't see him or yell for him) and play on the new skidloader he bought. Dude, I don't care if you go outside. I really don't. But tell me you're leaving the house in case I assumed you were watching the kids or in case I need you for something before you disappear for a few hours. If I did that to him, he'd have a holy shit fit.

11. Realizing that the majority of my next paycheck has to go towards our home owner's insurance for the year. Insurance companies should all burn in hell.

12. Another phone call from Honda saying my latest bill is overdue. People, I owe you one payment yet. That's it. A measly $368 and I'll be free of you forever and ever. Are you seriously hounding me after only a week? Fuckers. You should burn in hell too.

13. Realizing it's already 10:00, I haven't showered yet, I haven't gone grocery shopping for the birthday party yet, I haven't gone to the bank yet, and I haven't done a single stitch of work in order to meet my deadline yet, and I have to pick up my children 2.5 freakin' hours earlier than usual because of my mom's damn hair appointment. [sigh] I guess I should get my ass in gear now...

Birthday Meme

I am seriously lacking in the creative blog entry department as of late. So in order to spare you the suffering of another rambling entry about how I did nothing but sit at my computer and work all day, I decided to head on over to Tink's blog and blatantly steal a Meme that she, in no way, shape, or form tagged me for. (Thanks for that Tink. You're a real pal, lemme tell ya...) So here ya go. My latest non-creative, uninteresting blog entry. [sigh]

Birthday Meme Instructions
1. Go to www.wikipedia.org.

2. In the Search box at the bottom of the screen, type your birth month and day (but not year).

(My birthday is May 8th.)

List 3 events that happened on your birthday.
1. 1886 - Pharmacist Dr. John Styth Pemberton invents a carbonated beverage that would later be named "Coca-Cola".
2. 1945 - WWII VE Day - The date when the Allies during World War II formally celebrated the defeat of Nazi Germany and the end of Adolf Hitler's Third Reich.
3. 1999 - Nancy Mace becomes the first female cadet to graduate from The Citadel military college.

List two important birthdays.
1. 1964 - Melissa Gilbert
2. 1975 - Enrique Iglesias

List one interesting death.
1. 535 - Pope John II

List one holiday or observance (if any).
1. In addition to VE Day, mentioned above, it's also Parents' Day in South Korea

And now for the tagging... I tag EE, Melissa (LOL!!), and Chelle

Bloglines has made me a bitch...

OK. So let's be real here. I was a bitch way before I started using Bloglines. But now I'm a bitch to my blogging friends too and that's just not right. [sigh] I don't remember which of your blogs had a link to Bloglines, but I followed it a few weeks ago and now I'm in Blog Readers Heaven. I glance at my little blue and white Bloglines icon at the bottom of my screen every few minutes, I see the little red exclamation point telling me there's been an update, and I click it to see which one of my subscribed blogs has been updated in the past 10 minutes. But wait. It gets better. So then I just click on whatever blog has been updated and the new blog entry appears... right there in the same window I'm already in. Ahhhh....

So how has that made me a bitch? Well, see, the one drawback of reading all of your usual blogs in Bloglines is that you can't comment through Bloglines. To do that, you actually have to go to the blog and comment like usual. Well, see, I'm lazy. And to read a blog entry, and then click on it to go to that exact same entry in another browser window just to add a comment seems like too much work. So instead, I just don't comment. Which is downright rude. [sigh]

So for all of you out there that have blogs that I used to comment on, please know that I am absolutely, positively still reading each and every one of your entries. I'm just a lazy piece of shit (and a bitch) that doesn't take the time to tell you that by commenting on your blogs. (Although I still comment in my head, and damn, I'm funny. LOL!)

So if you've wondered why I haven't made any witty comments or offered any profound advice on your blogs lately (That was all sarcasm. I swear.), it's because I'm now a Bloglines Bitch. Those bastards are going to take over the world, I tell ya...

Kiddie Rides, My Ass...

So today was Hannah's 3rd birthday. (That's right... Mama Tulip and I gave birth to our gorgeous daughters on the same damn day. LOL!) Anyway, as a surprise, my mom got the brilliant idea to take the girls to a nearby amusement park for the day. It was perfect. Perfect weather, hardly any people, no standing in lines, etc.

But there were some things I learned throughout the course of the day...

1) Grace is going to be the death of me. She had me on every damn "adult" ride that she was tall enough to go on. And any "kiddie" ride that was even remotely wild, fast, or jerky, she made me go on about a billion times. I swear to god, if she had been allowed, she would've had me on the double upside down loop rollercoaster where your legs are dangling in mid-air. [sigh]

2) Hannah is a total wuss. If the ride didn't just go in a small circle, she was too afraid to go on it. Grace was so annoyed when Hannah wanted to go on the boring "baby rides" (Grace's words). I'm partly happy that she isn't as daring as her big sister, but at the same time, I wanted to tell her to grow a set of balls and have more fun. LOL!

3) Some poor girl puking in the bathroom stall next to you, onto the floor, while you try to get your two children out of their wet clothing for the ride home isn't fun.

But beyond all that, what the hell happened to normal "kiddie rides"? You know... the kind that Hannah likes. You get in a dorky car and go around and around and around in a circle. The ride doesn't jar you, bump you, go up and down, or do anything else even remotely entertaining. Now, "kiddie rides" are just one small step below adult rides. Grace had me on several "miniature" roller coasters today several times. Sweet jesus. I swear on all things holy, those rides weren't much tamer than the adult version. Sure, they're smaller. But they still whip you around, jerk your head around, and make your stomach come up in your throat. Everytime we were on one, I kept saying, "Grace, I'm gonna puke," as she laughed like a little psychopath. [sigh] I'm getting old...

Anyway, a few pictures...

(Yes... both of my daughters have the same mother and father, so why they look so completely different from each other is beyond me...)

Literally 5 seconds after telling Grace not to get too wet at the little splashpad b/c we were getting ready to leave, she did this. [sigh] LOL!

My favorite picture of the day...

And then we came home (exhausted), and we had cake for Hannah with the grandparents and my sister and her DH. (Ignore the "crown". Grace decided that Hannah should wear her birthday crown that she got last year on her birthday at daycare. LOL!)

Coming Up for Air... (Briefly)

Ahhh... paint job is finally finished. I think it'll be a looooong time before Steve and I pick up paint brushes again. We LOVE the new color, but there's still blue painters tape all over the damn room, so pictures will have to wait until tomorrow. ;)

It was just a crazy busy weekend with little time to like, breathe. And the week ahead doesn't look much better. It's filled with birthdays, a trip to an amusement park, birthday cake and presents with family, a buttload of work to do (for my job), trips to grocery stores, party stores, lighting stores, auto garages, and gymnastics centers, t-ball games, a gymnastics class, a big birthday party on the weekend at our house (and all the preparation that goes into it), and possibly some food and some sleep when I manage to catch a free moment or two. [sigh]

Screw Calgon. I need a keg of beer, a vat of wine, and a buttload of junk food...

Alien's ABCs...

Accent: I don't think I have one. But I know I still use a lot of Pennsylvania Dutch words and intonations when I speak.

Booze: Duh. Beer.

Chore I Hate: Scrubbing the litterboxes. Not scooping out the crap. That I can deal with. I mean scrubbing the litterboxes. Ick.

Dogs/Cats: Two cats - Salinger and Cooter

Essential Electronics: My laptop and my TV

Favorite Perfume: Happy by Clinique

Gold/Silver: Silver (or white gold)

Hometown: Hicksville, PA

Job Title: Technical Writer, Mom, and Homemaker (how gay of a word is that? LOL!)

Kids: Two girls, Grace and Hannah

Lies Told: Oh god, I tell so many. LOL! I guess most of them involve money though when talking to Steve.

Most Admired Trait: Uhhh... I dunno. I can say something really stupid most of the time and make you thankful you're not me? LOL!

Number of Sexual Partners: Currently? One. Total? No effing clue.

Phobia: Drowning, heights, and my parents finding out I smoke.

Quote: "Well-behaved women rarely make history." - Laurel Thatcher Urich

Religion: Lutheran (although I never, ever go to church and have a problem with organized religion in general)

Siblings: One older brother and one younger sister (It's hard to believe I'm the middle child, isn't it? LOL!)

Time to Wake Up: 6:00 AM [sigh] This is my children's choice, not mine. I'd prefer closer to 8:00.

Unusual Talent: I can fit my entire fist in my mouth and I can french inhale my cigarette smoke (is that unusual?).

Vegetable You Hate: All of them.

Worst Habit: Smoking, drinking, and picking my nose.

X-rays: My face (when I smashed my nose), my ankles, and my head.

Yummy Dishes I Make: Chicken kiev (although rarely), crockpot pierogies (although there isn't much "making" involved, and a strawberry cream cheese dessert.

Zodiac: Taurus

And my suckage continues...

Sorry (again) gang, but I'm flippin' beat. Steve and I spent alllll day prepping, liquid sanding, and priming the kitchen for the Great Kitchen Repaint. We started at 8:00 this morning and just finished getting on the coat of primer at 9:00 tonight. Throw in a brief "break" to scrub out the disgusting litterboxes, a mother-in-law that didn't listen to me and therefore resulted in a WAY overtired, exhausted, tantrum-throwing two-year-old, a gymnastics class, and a 4-year-old who couldn't understand why we just couldn't let her help us paint, and I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted.

And tomorrow, we get to do it all over again, substituting T-Ball for gymnastics. Yay. I can hardly wait...

I suck.

Sorry. No official Thursday Thirteen today. Because I suck. And I was busy and now I'm too tired to even think of a topic for one. So let's just review my day, shall we...

* Sent the girls off to daycare with my mom.

* Immediately jumped in my car (braless, hair uncombed, and still in my jammies) to follow Steve to the truck dealership so he could drop it off for repairs and inspection and I could bring him back home.

* Arrived home and was grateful I wasn't in a car accident considering my appearance.

* Began a hunt (with Steve) for any item in our household that we could take to the store and colormatch for the new paint in the kitchen.

* Literally held every CD case, hat, candle, dish, and other random objects up on the wall, trying to decide if it was the color we were looking for.

* Finally struck gold with the top of our Cinnamon scented bathroom spray can.

* Decided to make the trek to Home Depot, 30 miles away to use the Behr fancy schmancy color match machine.

* Wanted to shoot myself in the head when Steve and I stood in front of the paint chips display for a good hour, changing our mind back and forth and back and forth about whether we wanted to go with the solid color that the Behr fancy schmancy scanner thingy said our bathroom spray cap most closely resembled, or the Ralph Lauren faux finish suede paint. MAKE UP YOUR MIND, ASSWAD! I don't care anymore! [sigh]

* Finally picked one that I think we both love. I don't remember the name of it anymore though... Fox River? Foxtrot? Fox in the Hole? A Fox Smells His Own Hole? I don't remember. Something with a fox though.

* Told Steve I'd buy lunch since my stomach lining had started to digest itself.

* Went to Lonestar to pig out on Amarillo fries, salads, and steak, shrimp and mashed potatoes, all smothered in butter and garlic.

* Literally almost pissed myself laughing when Steve and I each ordered a bottle of Miller Lite and the waiter brought back a bucket of ice with 4 bottles in it... 2 opened and 2 not opened. Steve reaches for one of the unopened ones and the waiter is like, "No! No! Two are opened! If you want another one, open it and then we'll just charge you for it." The funny part was when the waiter walked away and Steve admitted that he thought the opened ones were empty and that they just "wanted to make it look like you'd been drinking." Um, why exactly would they want to do that? Seriously. Couldn't... stop... laughing... He is such an ass!

* Got home and had daytime sex with no laughter involved. (Yay me!)

* The girls arrived home and we all ran around getting ready for Grace's preschool/daycare "graduation" ceremony tonight.

* Actually got out the door on time, which is an accomplishment in itself. (We are always late, and it is always Steve's fault. Damn prissy dude who must have every hair in place and have all 4 earrings in. Gaywad.)

* Laughed my ass off during almost the entire graduation ceremony. (And yes, the girls are wearing the outfits made by the lovely Pink Rocket.)

* Had the daycare owner kiddingly ask me (after the ceremony when Grace was running around acting like a damn crack kid), "Is that your daughter over there acting like a boy?" LOL! Why, yes. Yes it is. [sigh]

* Had to listen to Grace whine and cry ALL of the way home (30 minutes) because she was absolutely exhausted. She cried because her balloon was white, she didn't have a pillow, Hannah wouldn't share her crackers, she had a pretzel stuck in her throat, she didn't want to leave school, Hannah was too loud, I was too loud, Steve was too loud, Trevor's grandma gave him a surprise present after graduation and Grace's grandma didn't give her one, etc. I was seriously ready to beat the living tar out of her.

* Got both children to bed and immediately began shotgunning beer.

* Am NOT looking forward to the next two days of painting hell. I figure if I disappear from Steve's line of vision long enough, he'll forget I'm here and won't ask me to help him at all.

Zzzz...

Holy shit, I'm a walking zombie today. I was up until 2:00 in the morning talking on the phone to my friend, Emily. I am, in no way, shape, or form complaining because I LOVE Emily. But sweet jesus, I'm tired today. LOL!

It didn't help that I had a billion things to get done today. Today was my sister's last day working at PayLess. That kind of sucks for me. She got a 30% discount that other family members were allowed to use. I used to walk out of that store with like 5 pairs of shoes for twenty bucks. And since she's leaving on not so good terms and her boss is a total bitch, I can now only ever go in there when I know the boss isn't working. Dammit. So anyway, I stopped in today and bought like 5 pairs of shoes to "stock up" for me and the girls. LOL!

Then Steve calls me and tells me his work truck has pretty much blown up (not literally) and there's transmission fluid everywhere. Great. Just what he needs. But I've found the silver lining since this means he's now taking the rest of the week off and we've made it our goal to get the damn kitchen repainted by the end of the weekend. Now if we could only find a damn color. [sigh] Do you have ANY idea how hard it's been to find a color that isn't too red but also not too orange but is in one of those color families? Dear lord. I don't care if we paint the damn room black at this point. Or white. White wouldn't be so bad, right?

And then I had the pleasure of grocery shopping and having to load up the trunk and then carry the groceries into the house in torrential downpours. That's always fun. But I did buy my favorite ice cream of all time... Breyer's Cyclone Caramel Tracks. Oh... my... god... Vanilla ice cream with caramel swirls. And in every friggin' bite are several little chocolate cups filled with caramel. It's an orgasm in a bowl, lemme tell ya. Between that and the double pack of Pringles original potato chips I grabbed, I'm having a food orgy tonight.

I also spent most of today trying to figure out how to tell someone I pretty much can't stand them in a subtle, round-about way that won't hurt their feelings. Do you have any idea how impossible that task is? LOL!

Deer Tits...

That's right. You read that correctly. I said "Deer tits." So help me out here. What the hell are these things on Hannah's puzzle piece? I mean, what could they be except tits? And if they are tits, why are they there? None of the other animals on the puzzle have tits (or any other anatomically correct parts for that matter).

I asked Hannah yesterday what they were and she said, "Where the deer pees." I'm taking this to mean she meant its vagina. This had me laughing harder than the idea of tits. But either way, there is something seriously wrong with the artist who rendered this beauty...

And self-celebration bites me in the ass...

Remember my post from yesterday where I congratulated myself for making my deadline? Um, yeah. I unknowingly lied. [sigh] So there's this huge document that another woman and I are both working on. The document is 8 sections, with each section being about 40 pages long. So I emailed my sections last night and was greeted this morning by an email asking if there was a section of mine missing. FUCK! Turns out when I got my new laptop last week (or whenever that was), I transferred my files but totally forgot to copy over one of my folders that contained the missing section. So last night, since I didn't see another folder/file on my computer, I thought I was done. Um yeah. I wasn't.

So I spent two and a half hours (the length of time I could get the girls not to be the living shit out of each other) first thing this morning throwing together a 40+ page document from scratch, and sent it with a promise to have a more complete version of it by tomorrow morning.

Except I spent the day taking care of the kids and then watched the season finale of "The Apprentice." And now I had too many beers and I'm too tired to think right, so it looks like I'll be freaking out in the morning and desperately revising the sucker while praying that Hannah will sit quietly and zone out in front of the TV. Nice.

But other than that little kink, the day wasn't bad. Went a few places with the girls this morning... ate a big fat steak for dinner... was beyond thrilled with the results of "The Apprentice"... so I guess I can't complain.

I do have to blog first thing in the morning about one of the girls' puzzles and how it just seems wrong that the deer has tits. I'll make sure to include a picture because I would truly like some other thoughts on what else those two little bumps could possibly be on that puzzle piece. LOL!

"The more things change,

the more they remain... insane."

- Michael Fry and T. Lewis

Ahhh, I'm slacking in the blogging department again. Sorry gang. It was a busy weekend. I had a deadline tonight that I spent most of the weekend working on whenever the kids were otherwise occupied or sleeping. I made the deadline though, so hooray for me. LOL!

I spent ALL flippin' day today cleaning, organizing, and purging things from the girls' playroom. Sweet jesus, these kids have way too damn many toys. I filled two large bags with stupid, little, crappy toys from places like McDonald's, Burger King, and goody bags from birthday parties. Those are going with my mom to the daycare where they break them out on days when the kids are bored with the usual toys in the room.

I also filled an entire garbage bag with actual garbage. Broken toys, toys with missing parts, and all sorts of other junky crap that I wouldn't feel right even donating to someone.

The trunk of my car contains three more garbage bags that need to be dropped off at the Salvation Army this week. I mean, really... how many stuffed animals does one child need? Of course, following Murphey's Law, bedtime rolled around and Grace went to pick her nightly bed buddy. Of course she asked for this ugly stuffed rabbit that I knew I had thrown in the bag to be donated. And of course it was pouring down rain and I got soaked running out to the car to retreive it from my trunk. And of course it was at the very bottom of the garbage bag of animals. [sigh] Dammit to hell.

But the playroom now looks a billion times better, all similar toys are in the same place, and you can actually walk in there. Of course, by tomorrow around 10:00 AM, they'll have it all trashed and mixed up again, but at least I could enjoy it for a few short hours tonight. Small victories matter too, ya know.

------------------------------------------------

At one point today, the four of us made a trip to the World's Largest General Store (it's really called that) to try to pick some more paint samples so we can get this damn kitchen repainted before Hannah's birthday party on the 17th. I've come to the conclusion that Steve has to be colorblind, because some of the colors he was showing me were hideous. I mean, I'm all for bold color, but I really don't want to spend my days in an orange kitchen. And I don't mean a nice shade of orange. I'm talking pumpkin orange. Dude, are kidding me?

So we left there with 4 small "Paint Pods" (small containers of paint that give you enough to paint about 3 square feet of wall to test it out). I'm not particularly liking any of them (although I haven't actually put any on the wall yet), and we've come to the conclusion that we may just need to mix up our own color and then have it colormatched at the store. Yay (not).

And now, my friends, I am heading to bed, which is where I should be at this godawful hour of the day...

"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you." - Oscar Wilde

Well, I think my interview this morning went pretty well. I didn't make fun of any dead guys on the wall, I didn't imply I used to pilfer money from my old company's funds, and I didn't mention at all that offering me the job would secure an invitation to "a kickass pigroast we have every year." So I guess, in comparison to my previous interviews, it was peachy keen.

But it was sooooo loooooong. I had to interview with 5 different people. So instead of putting me a room with all of them at one time, I instead had to answer the same damn questions over and over and over and over, over the course of 3 hours. By the end, I was tired, starving, and I had to piss like a racehorse.

I did, however, knew this company and I would be a perfect match when Interview #5 walked in wearing cargo shorts and flip-flops. Dude, you and I were cut from the same mold, my friend. And if there is truly a company out there that will let us express ourselves in that way through our extremely casual attire, than I say we go for it!

So now we wait. The HR chick (who I just so happened to spend countless hours drunk with at parties in college) said that they're usually really quick with their turnaround time from the interview to when they decide if they're hiring you or not, so I guess I'll expect info either way sometime next week.

---------------------------------------------------------

Dear Steve,

I realize that due to the monthly "visitor" that has unpacked her bags in my uterus, that we haven't had sex in oh, a whopping 3 or 4 days (god forbid). And I also realize that this means you are extremely horny and looking to get some, since I didn't "suck you off" as you requested a few nights ago.

But when you hint around after the kids are sleeping, and I say that I'm totally wiped out from being up really late last night putting together my writing samples for the interview, and I explain that I have a HUGE deadline and a TON of work due by Sunday at midnight, it means that the sex probably won't be mind-blowing. I'll perform my wifely duties and provide a dock for your tuna boat for 10 minutes or so. But if you think I'm going to decorate the dock and throw a huge party because your tuna boat is there, you're sadly mistaken. So next time, please just do what you gotta do and let me get back downstairs where I'm facing work that will take me into the wee hours of the morning. Okay? Cool.

Peace out.
Allison

Hmmm... so what's been going on, you ask? (Okay. So you probably haven't asked, but I'm going to tell you anyway.)

Let's see. My mom and I took the girls to see "Over the Hedge" today. It was Hannah's first movie in a theatre ever, and Grace's second (I took her to see "Madagascar", but she made me leave 45 minutes into it because she wanted to go to the pet store next door. I was pissed. I wanted to see the rest of the movie.) Anyway, they both did really well, surprisingly. Grace wouldn't sit still, but that's normal for her. Hannah sat quietly the entire time, and only had to go potty twice. There was a large bag of popcorn that accidentally got dumped all over the floor, but I did that, so we're just not going to talk about it here. ;)

I'm sitting here right now, attempting to print out some of my writing samples for my big, bad interview tomorrow morning. But see, I've eaten nothing except 5 Pringles all day AND I've had 3 beers, so I'm feeling a little, um, unfocused right now. So I've got some crinkle cut french fries baking right now in the toaster oven, and hopefully after I eat them, I can print out the rest of my samples without worrying that "Fuck this!" hasn't mysteriously gotten typed into the middle of the user's guide somewhere.

Those Pringles I mentioned earlier are printed with "Kids' Trivia Questions." Great, no? So I'm reading one of mine and it says, "What do dung beetles eat?" And the answer, below it and upside down, says, "Animal droppings." Now I knew what dung beetles eat even before I read the answer. But are "animal droppings" really something you want to be thinking about as you're eating? The Pringles trivia reasearch dude should be fired. (And I say "dude" because it had to be a man that came up with that one.)

Found out my friend's girlfriend (who accidentally got all sorts of knocked up) has suggested the names Grace and Hannah, should she give birth to a girl. So she's got good taste in names apparently. ;) And the daddy (whom I've known since 5th grade) and his band will definitely be playing at the pigroast in July. Awesome! They're actually really good, and they show up at gig's with a beer bong, so I'm envisioning lots and lots of drunken fun. Can't beat that...

Thursday Thirteen - June 1, 2006

THIRTEEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT THE SUMMER

(Since 2 or 3 other people posted the 13 things they love. I gotta be me, ya know? It's all about balance.)

1. Fucking caterpillars. They're everywhere. Little hairy bastards.

2. Ants. Stupid, stupid ants that cause me to shove ant traps in the corners of all the rooms in the house and spray that nasty smelling shit around the entire outside of our house.

3. Sweaty boobs. Seriously. Nothing's as annoying as sweaty boobs.

4. The way you walk outside of your nicely air conditioned home and get smacked in the face by that blasted humid heat. You have to suck your breath in and gasp for air until your lungs adjust.

5. Ridiculous hair. My natural curls alternate between frizzy afro rivaling Willis, and limp, lifeless strings rivaling the little girl in "The Ring" when she comes out of the well.

6. Chubba rub. You know. When you wear short shorts and then you sweat and walk around all day and then your inner thighs rub together and you get that rash. Yup. That's chubba rub. I hate chubba rub.

7. The bazillion picnics, parties, weddings, graduation celebrations and random BBQs that seem to take place every single weekend and that you're obligated to go to for some reason or another, so you never really get to just, ya know, sit at home and vegetate with drool running out of the corner of your mouth.

8. Bathing suits. Nothing is as humbling as putting on that damn piece of spandex and seeing every roll, bump, and dimple on your stomach and ass. And then you subject other people to that. [shudder]

9. My beer gets warm quicker in the summer. That means I have to drink it quicker. That means I get drunk quicker... Oh. Um, wait. I like that about the summer. Nevermind.

10. I have to wear my contact lenses more often in the summer. I'm often lazy and don't feel like putting them in. But if I wear my glasses in the summer, I start sweating and the damn things slide down my nose. I hate when I can't be lazy.

11. Reruns. Stupid, stupid reruns.

12. Trying to get still wet swimsuits onto my children when they've been swimming or playing with the hose, and have gotten dressed, but then decide 10 minutes later that they want to get wet again and the suits aren't dried yet. It's like trying to stuff a sausage.

13. Those 10 minutes where you sweat your ass off when you first get in the car to drive somewhere, because you forgot to cool down the car before you had to leave to go wherever it is you're going.