I’m back again! I can tell you’re all excited. Yup. The love is just pouring through my cable connection and blasting me in the face.
Sooo… my friend, September (yes, that’s her real name, and no, her birthday isn’t in September) sent me a link to this article.
Now this upsets (and amuses) me for many reasons. First of all, although apparently parents around the world had a shit fit when Wii decided to release a beer pong video game (HELLO!?!? I’m going to go get in line for a Wii like NOW), I, on the other hand, was all sorts of giddy. I mean, I’m the reigning champion at our pig roasts, but imagine what I could do if I could play on a daily basis! Sweet Jesus, I just may make it to the Nationals! LOL!
But what really made me laugh was this paragraph….
“Still, there's no guarantee that simply taking the beer out of beer pong will have the sobering effect that college deans intend. Last year, Dartmouth College banned water pong, the real-world version of Pong Toss, because of the risk of water intoxication — it's no joke, as an H2O overdose can be fatal. "I know that [water pong] seems like a good balance between the Dartmouth drinking culture and just trying to have fun," Kristin Deal, a Dartmouth community director, wrote in an e-mail to students announcing the prohibition. "However, it can be just as dangerous, if not more so."”
Dudes. Do you realize what this means?! It means that every time, for the rest of my life, that some holier-than-thou person makes some crack about me drinking beer, or not drinking water, or not being healthy, etc., I can point them in the direction of this article, thumb my nose at them, tell them to fuck off, and inform them that I will, indeed, live longer than they will. Who the hell knew that water could be so damn dangerous? They should seriously ban that crap. Down with water, people! DOWN WITH WATER!!! I’m totally going to forbid water in this house and make the kids drink beer instead. Hell, it’s safer! ;)
But enough about that. Let’s talk about the street dude at the zoo two weeks ago.
When we were leaving the zoo, and walking to our cars in the parking lot a few blocks over, we had to pass this guy…
He was playing his bongo drum and having a high ol’ time. I vaguely remember Steve handing Grace a dollar bill and telling her to go put it in whatever container he had sitting at his feet. Well, apparently, when you do this, it opens up the door for this guy to explode. All of a sudden, we were his best friends on the planet and we were sent to him to be his buddy for a few minutes. Following, are some conversations that took place.
Bongo Dude: Hey Mama! Come here and play the drum!
Me (pointing at myself): Who? Me?
Bongo Dude: No! What the hell? Her! (pointing at Grace)
Bongo dude proceeded to half drag Grace over to his bongo, sit her down, and force her to play. Not that she minded. (See post below this one for documented proof.)
Next up was Hannah. He did the same thing with her. And when she wasn’t smiling for the camera, he physically grabbed her cheeks and forced her sweet little mouth into a grin as all of the adults laughed. (Because apparently, we find it amusing that a strange man is accosting our children.)
After Hannah it was time for my nephew, Garrett (son to my camo-clad, visor-wearing sister-in-law), to take his turn. He played the drum and laughed the whole time.
Then the guy gave me a hug. Dear god, I seriously think I got drunk just from his breath. Not that I’m knocking him for that. Drink up, dude. But if I ever reek that strongly of alcohol, dear god, someone needs to put me out of my misery.
Last, but not least, was my other nephew, Gunnar (AKA: Devil's Spawn). Bongo Dude was particularly funny with him.
Bongo Dude: Son of a bitch, he’s insane! Look at him go! Damn! You’re fucked with this one (looking at SIL).
Now keep in mind he’s saying all of this LOUDLY, in front of the kids. I couldn’t stop laughing and snapping pictures long enough to be offended.
Finally, we say our goodbyes and get ready to continue our walk to the car. I notice that about 10 feet past the guy is a large graffiti mural of a hippo in amazing colors. Perfect spot for a photo op with the kids since they’ve just had the amazing experience of feeding the hippos at the zoo we’re leaving.
Well, Bongo Dude decided he wasn’t done with us yet, so he jumped into the picture. That wasn’t nearly as funny as the actual conversation that followed. He jumps in the picture and I realize I can’t fit all of the kids in my frame, so I tell my nephew, Garrett, to move in closer.
Bongo Dude: He just doesn’t like black people. That’s cool, dude. I’m a fucking racist too.
(He’s saying all of this while laughing hysterically.)
Seriously, let’s look at the photo again and speculate on what each person was thinking…
Grace: Thank GOD this guy isn’t touching me! Can we leave now so I can get to the car and check out the new shit you just bought me in the souvenir shop?
Gunnar: I can’t even look at the camera right now. How did this guy know I’m a racist? Damn. He must be a psychic.
Bongo Dude: Look at me with all these kids! I fucking RULE!
Hannah: Perhaps, if I keep staring straight ahead at the camera, I can forget that this odd man is touching me and making me pass out with his bad breath that smells just like Mommy’s.
Garrett: Son of a bitch! Stop choking me, ASSHOLE!!!
Seriously guys, I was laughing so hard, I could barely take the picture. The guy was awesome. Happy as hell, I tell ya. Before we (finally) walked away, he walked up and gave Steve and my brother-in-law HUGE hugs. Not me and my sister-in-law, mind you. Just the guys. I developed a little bit of a complex right in that moment, but I’ve since decided it shouldn’t bother me. But it was friggin’ hilarious.
I love Bongo Dude. Everyone should have a Bongo Dude in their lives. [happy sigh]
So that’s your assignment for the week – go out and find a Bongo-like dude to take pictures of. Bongo Dudes RULE! :P