Friday, September 29, 2006


Sure Sign that You Are Overtired and Have Reached the Point of Pure Mental, Physical, Emotional, and um... Social Exhaustion...

You're walking through WalMart and realize you have to pass gas. You don't even blink and just let 'er rip, without even thinking about the fact that that's not something you really should do in public around other people. But you're soooo tired and have soooo much going on, that you forget you're not in your own flea-infested home, vacuuming until your back aches and the palm of your hand is raw, while trying to jump on your computer and get work done in between.

Yeah. I'm a real class act, lemme tell ya. [sigh]

Now I feel bad...

I just got home from the vet with Salinger. The little shit still had fleas (not his fault), so I bought the "good stuff" from the vet and hopefully the fleas will at least stay off of him and Cooter. But he had a HUGE weight loss (which I knew). He went from 18 lbs. a few months ago... 6 maybe... to a scrawny 10.5 lbs. The vet is thinking either kidney failure or thyroid. Once I also said that Salinger seems to be DYING for water all the time, he said again that it could very well be kidney failure. On the way home, I was still thinking it might be thyroid (and not sure how I felt about that), and I remembered how one night about a month ago, he was lying behind me on the hardwood floor and just peed. Didn't stand up or anything. Just out came a ton of pee. Didn't even seem to notice. [sigh] So yeah, I'm betting it's kidney failure, which means he may not be with us much longer. I have mixed feelings on that and I guess I'll wait for the lab results before I start feeling either way about it.

While I was at the vet, the exterminator was here at the house with Steve giving an estimate. Um yeah... it would be $350!!! WTH? I'll pay it if I have to, but he also said that NOTHING can be on the floors except heavy furniture. Um, yeah. If you saw my house, you'd know that prepping the place would literally take a WEEK. [sigh] So now that the cat's will be treated properly, I think I'm going to try some of the bombs before I start shelling out the big bucks. At least then I'll know that we tried everything before dropping that kind of cash. Jesus.

Oh yeah, there's no way on god's green earth that I'm going to meet my deadline. No... flippin'.... way....

It's Time to Call in the Big Guns...

I'm done. I've done all of the sprinkling, vacuuming, cleaning that one person can humanly do. I will say that the house has NEVER been cleaner, which is kind of nice. But after 4 days straight of pretty much constant cleaning, I just saw another goddamn flea. So exterminators in the tri-state area, please answer your phone when it rings, because I'm about to call every single one of you to come here and bomb my house (possibly literally). [grumble grumble]

In the meantime, anyone want two cats?

(By the way, I realize the fleas aren't the cats fault. Hell, they never even go outside. EVER. But we've had them confined to two rooms upstairs for the past week while I'm on flea patrol. And Salinger was pulling HUGE chunks of hair out of himself and they were floating all over the house and it was disgusting. It is SOOO nice not having the cats roaming around. The house is cleaner, there's no pet hair floating around, and I don't have to keep checking our beds to make sure neither of them peed on it. I love the cats (sort of), but I really wish someone else would take them and love them. [sigh] Of course, Salinger goes to the vet today because he's lost a TON of weight recently and I think something's wrong with him. And if they tell me it's something horrible and we have to put him down, I'll feel incredibly guilty for typing this last paragraph. But if that does happen, does anyone want just one cat? LOL!)

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Fleas suck.

That's right. They suck. I am so flippin' sick of treating this house for fleas and so sick of imagining I'm itching, that I want to kick some flea ass. Today, I spent HOURS doing 6 loads of laundry (literally), vacuuming every single solitary crack in our hardwood floors downstairs (my back is killing me from bending over), vacuuming all carpets (again), vacuuming all furniture (again), spraying all surfaces (again), using my Little Green Machine on all of the furniture downstairs, and wet mopping the entire first floor. Seriously. I'm done. So flippin' done.

And now tonight, Steve discovered more upstairs. So I just spent an HOUR sprinkling Borax all over the carpets and mattresses and I'll vacuum it up in the morning. Steve's sleeping on the couch (because he's grossed out about the thought of them in the bed), and I'm going to sleep with both girls in Grace's bed (To protect them from the vicious fleas?... I dunno. Just play along, will ya?)

I have about 8 billion more loads of laundry to do tomorrow (and am seriously contemplating just putting all dirty laundry directly into the trash to save myself the work) and more Borax sprinkling and vacuuming to do.

Let's throw in that I really should take Salinger to the vet tomorrow (because I think something other than the fleas is wrong with him) AND the fact that I have a pretty big deadline for Friday and the work I have to do is going to take a loooooong time. Since I'll be spending my days pretending to be an exterminator, I guess I'll be performing my "real job" at night. ALL fucking night.

I swear to god, I am soooo done with pets. Done. Finished. The end. Between Salinger's 8 billion problems last year, the fact that I have to give him a flippin' laxative every damn day for the rest of his life, the mountains of cat hair that seem to appear overnight regardless of the amount of cleaning I do, the constant checking of the upstairs to make sure that I find any crap or urine puddles that one of them left there, and now the damn fleas, I have NEVER been so ready to be pet-free in my life. I don't wish they were dead or anything. And I'm not going to have them put to sleep for no reason. But I'd be lying if I said there won't be a little bit of relief in this household when they decide to meet their maker in the sky.

Of course, with my luck, they'll both live another 20 damn years...

[grumble grumble...]


I had such high hopes for Hannah. I really thought she would be my more "normal" kid. But over the past few months, she's shown me that my dreams are shattered. She as much of a freak as Grace is. These are some pictures of her from the other night. She decided she wanted to "pose" and did this for a good half hour before she finally stopped.

Oh, and she's convinced she matched. Because see, the dragonfly on the shirt is white, and the stripes on the pants are white. Um, OK. Whatever you say kid.

Oh well, at least she's fun, right? ;)

(By the way, sorry some of the photos are so honkin' big. I'm too lazy to go back and resize them.)

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

And so as not to contribute to their therapy years down the road, here's one of Grace from the weekend too...

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Thursday, September 21, 2006


OK. So this won't be a long post. I'm flippin' tired (not much sleep here lately), I've been working my ass off all day (in more ways than one), and I'm so sick of drama that I could beat my head against a brick wall. Seriously, are there any normal people out there?

I will say that one good thing the drama has brought on is that I've been hearing from people I haven't heard from in forever. People I missed. People I wondered about and what they've been doing in their lives. You know who you are. ;) It's been good talking to you again. :)

But the bottom line is that I need a fucking break. Work has been nuts. Yes, I work from home and that means luxuries that others don't have. But it ALSO means that I have to find time to work. And so I've been up until ungodly hours of the night the past week or so to meet deadlines. And that, my friends, blows.

Tomorrow I'll tell you about my dinner adventure. Dear god. I started out cooking shrimp scampi. And I mean literally started cooking it and was almost done. But then all hell broke loose and I had to improvise and I changed a friend's recipe a bit and made shrimp fried noodles instead. Shrimp fried linguine? Yeah. Whatever. I made it up and it didn't taste half bad, so...

I gave my flute away over the weekend. I haven't played it in years and a little girl was starting to take lessons, so I spread the love. But now I kind of regret it because it's my flute, ya know? I didn't play it anymore, but it was here and now it's not. [sigh] I really need to think before I speak sometimes.

Shit. I just nodded off while sitting here. I guess it's time for bed, huh? Deadlines be damned (mine is like, um, right now). I'm too tired to be productive. So just bite me bosses. ;)

More tomorrow. I've been guilted (not intentionally) to start my little Daily Update gig again, so maybe I'll give it a whirl. But I refuse to make promises. LOL! ;)

An Update on Life...

* My cat has fleas (and we have no idea how since he NEVER goes outside).

* Due to the "all natural" flea spray and carpet flea killer powder stuff, my entire house now smells like a damn clove cigarette.

* Men are idiots.

* I'm going to start spending my days eating bon-bons and watching Oprah, since that seems to be what most men think SAHM/WAHMs do.

* Women often rock, but they sometimes suck ass too.

* I have NEVER told my children that they suck, nor do I tell other people that my children suck. (You know... for those of you who think otherwise.)

* Our neighbors have officially, without a doubt, broken up.... Because she cheated... And then he cheated... What the hell is wrong with people? [sighing and shaking head]

* Grace is in kindergarten and is already fighting with me about doing homework. It's going to be a looooong 13 years.

* And while we're on the subject of school...

Dear Mrs. S---,

Grace doesn't have anything for show and tell that starts with the letter
"m". Never mind that our house looks like Geoffrey from Toys R Us threw up in
it. Grace says there's nothing here for her to bring in tomorrow. So please excuse
her lack of participation in tomorrow's activities.

Grace's Mom

Sunday, September 17, 2006

I Dig Chicks

This weekend has been rather odd. Several relationships in my life have changed drastically over the past few days. Friends that are no longer friends... People that used to be just casual acquaintances have now become close friends... I've watched a group of women bond together in total unity, supporting one of our own during one of the toughest times in her life. My emotions have run the gamut. Anger. Disgust. Disbelief. Sorrow. Sadness. Embarrassment. And mostly, blinding rage.

It made me reflect on my own life and the people in it. I have a wonderful, wonderful group of girlfriends. I've made many friends online on several boards, blogs, etc. over the past few years. These people know more about me than anyone else in my life. In fact, they know some things about me that even my own husband doesn't know. They know what makes me laugh, what makes me cry, and what makes me tick. They know that I used to HATE pink and now it's one of my favorite colors. They know that I hate anything that has a peach scent (Sorry Emily!) and that I love my beer. They know I smoke Marlboro Lights and that I don't let a single solitary vegetable or fruit pass my lips. They know that my parents have no clue that I smoke and that my sister is obsessed with her two dogs in a way that I personally think is unhealthy. They know ME. The real me. They know the things that make Allison who she is. And that's a wonderful thing.

But sometimes, there is one person in this group of friends that makes you re-evaluate some things. A few years ago, it was a girl who was on one of my Mommy boards. She came to stay in our rental unit in our backyard while she was trying to decide what to do about her unhappy marriage. Steve and I kindly let her stay here while she worked through her emotions and tried to decide what to do. But she took advantage of us (and many others). She used us. She used our families. She used our friends. She basically shit on us and then lied to other people about the kind of people Steve and I are. And I can assure you that Steve and I are not perfect, but we are NOT the kind of people this girl claimed we are. To this day, I can honestly say I hate her.

I reserve the word "hate" for those people in my life that I truly, truly despise. The ones that I think are just not good people. The ones that have total disregard for others and who do only those things that make themselves happy, not taking into account the emotions of other people around them. The ones that don't give a shit who they hurt or what consequences their actions may have as long as they're happy.

And this weekend, I had to face the fact that I, once again, had someone like that in my life. Someone who I had considered my friend at one point and who did something that (in my opinion) is unforgiveable. Something that was bad enough for me to be confident in saying that I will never, ever speak to this person again. And the kicker is that she didn't even do it to me. No. That might be understandable. God knows, I'm a self-admitted bitch at times. Instead, she did it instead to a wonderful, beautiful, caring woman who is so nice, she almost makes your teeth hurt. Someone who is the type of person we all strive to be. Someone who lives her life with daily hardships and yet always has a smile on her face and faith in her heart.

And as I watched the whole situation unfold, I sat in awe at how good women can come together to support each other. Sure, we can be catty. (God knows we can be catty. LOL!) And we can be competitive and bitchy and mean towards each other. But when push comes to shove, we can unite and give a fellow woman the strength to hold her head up high. We can channel our power and our support to another woman that needs it. And goddamn, when women get together, we're unstoppable. We look down the barrel of the gun and dare the person holding it to fire it. Because we know that when we're all supporting each other like that, nothing can penetrate us, nothing can harm us, and nothing can make us back down.

Ya know, I've joked all my life about how "I hate girls" because they're all so catty and jealous. And I've joked about how all my friends are guys because they pretty much don't give a shit about anything and they aren't all emotional and weepy and needy. But you know what? Today, I changed my mind. Women fucking rock. And I dare you to disagree...

Friday, September 15, 2006

ACK! I almost forgot about the shitting MIL story!

LOL! OK...

So it's about 2 hours before Grace's open house at school and my mom informs me that her and my dad are going too. So as not to upset MIL and make her think she wasn't invited, we called her to tell her what time it started. She said she had been having diarrhea on and off throughout the day, but that she thought she was OK at that point and that she'd be there. Dandy.

So we get there and head to the auditorium to hear about the PTO, the new assistant principal, etc. I see my MIL stand up to leave. She says that her stomach is killing her and that she really needs to get home, if you know what I mean.

So she leaves and later, she tells us what happened next.

She starts driving home (about 3 or 4 miles from the school) and realizes she's not going to make it. So she whips into the parking lot of her sister's apartment to relieve herself (about 1/2 a mile from the school). She's banging and banging on the door. No answer.

So she goes to the door of the woman who lives in the apartment next door. She knows her, so although a bit awkward, she could indeed ask to use the woman's bathroom. She's banging and banging. No answer.

At this point, she realizes she is absolutely NOT going to make it home. There's no way. So she has no choice (well, not really), and she drops her drawers and proceeds to explode into the neighbor's bushes. Now this in and of itself is funny. But it gets better...

As she's losing 10 lbs. in the bushes, the neighbor opens the door and proceeds to ask her what exactly she's is doing. My MIL starts yelling at her, "Go back in the house, Violet! I'll tell you later! PLEASE go back in the house!" (All of this is as she's still having explosive diarrhea in the poor woman's shrubs.)

Now by this point, Steve and I are laughing so damn hard, we have tears just streaming down our faces. I mean, can you even imagine? We almost had to perform CPR on each other because neither one of us could breathe.

So she finishes "doing her business" and then has to knock on the neighbor's door and say, "Violet, I am so, so sorry I shit in your shrubs." (Steve and I are now rolling on the floor together, holding our sides and pissing ourselves.) Violet, a sweet old lady is very nice and says, "It's OK, Sweetie. It happens." Um, it does? Is this a common phenomena of which I am not aware? Am I missing out on all sorts of cool and hip Shrub Shitting parties? Because if I am, I'm pissed. I want some of that action too.

Seriously guys, I have not laughed that hard in a long, loooooong time. I literally almost peed in my pants laughing so hard. WHY she even told anyone about it afterwards is beyond me. I'm telling you, I would've taken that secret to the grave.

And as a bonus to the story, her ever-so-loving husband, after hearing the story, went to get them ice cream that night. When he got home, he came in and told her in a dead serious voice that he had gotten pulled over by the cops. That they had an APB out for a car with her license plate number and that they wanted to fine her for indecent exposure. OMG! I sooooo wish I had been there for that little acting number because I can assure you, my MIL probably believed him for a good 15 minutes before he told her he was lying. ROFL!

Seriously guys, I'm almost pissing myself again just retelling it. And I said it last night and I'll say it again... ask me why I drink. I dare you. LMAO!


(And on a totally unrelated note (sort of), if any of you digital scrappers out there happen to follow my profile link on one of the digital scrapping blogs I sometimes comment on, I would like to apologize for my use of profanity and my topic of discussion today. Although I do curse a lot at times, I can assure you, that defecation is not my normal conversation topic. But you've got to admit... it is funny.)

Thursday, September 14, 2006

God help me...

So, I promise I'll tell you all the entire story tomorrow, but tonight I'm too tired and have a buttload of work to do (for my actual job). But I'll give you a teaser. Last night, my mother-in-law had a serious case of the runs and had to leave Grace's open house. She ended up getting caught shitting in her sister's neighbor's yard. Oh my god. I can assure you, she will NEVER live this one down. Ever. LMFAO!

Oh, and somehow, a squirrel got into our house this morning. Ask me again why I drink. I dare you.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Here I am...

Random (Quick) Thoughts...

Hey guys. I'm slacking again on this blog thing. I know... I know... I suck.

* Anyway, our little mini-vacation was actually a lot of fun and we all enjoyed it. I did OK without nicotene, but at one point, decided to chance smoking and I think my dad may have seen me, but he didn't say anything, so I didn't either. [sigh] What are ya gonna do?

* I just spent 5.5 hours cleaning/organizing/rearranging Hannah's room. It sucked. But at least it's done. I have to start Grace's tomorrow. Hers will literally take me a week (if not longer). It's a total pig sty. I'm really not looking forward to it.

* Hannah started gymnastics class last Friday and LOVED it. I had no intention of signing her up, but she wanted to be like big sister, so now I get to sit at the gym two nights a week and shell out $76.00 a month. Yay. Ah well, at least they're having fun, right?

* Some people are really, really stupid, and I almost feel sorry for them.

* Some people are total asswads and should be hung up by their toenails and licked in the face by a pack of wild dogs.

* And some people just aren't worthy of my time anymore.

* Tonight is Open House/Meet the Teacher night at Grace's school. I'm looking forward to it, but I have a ton of work I need to get done and it's all cold and rainy outside, so I kind of don't want to go. LOL!

* I had the worst gas yesterday. I have no idea why. Katherine would've been proud of me. ;)

* I need an oil change, but I don't feel like taking the car to get one.

* Obsessions are not good for the general cleanliness of your home.

* Showering is overrated.

OK. That's all I've got right now. Stay tuned for more exciting excerpts from "The Life of Allison". (I'm sure you can hardly wait.)

Friday, September 08, 2006

Ahhh... busy day ahead.

I have so much to do today (and yet, here I sit, blogging). We're heading out on an overnight trip tomorrow morning (with my parents too... ack!), so I have tons of preparation today. I have to deposit my paycheck, go to WalMart to grab some stuff, return already overdue movies to the video store, make sure everything we need to take is washed (I hate laundry), pack everything, clean out my car (it's a disaster), etc. And I don't feel like doing any of it. Yuck.

Hannah starts gymnastics tonight. She begged me to sign her up (she's been watching Grace take class for a year now), so I finally gave in. She swears she'll go out into the gym without me (I'm not allowed in the gym area), but we shall see. She's pretty shy in general around people, so I'll actually be pretty damn proud of her if she's brave enough to go through with it tonight.

So, um, I guess I should go get started on that laundry list of stuff I have to do. Especially since Steve will be getting home around noon today (yuck) and I need to make it look like I accomplished something before then. [sigh]

At least the hotel (supposedly) has wireless internet connections in the room. Since I won't be smoking for 2 whole days (my parents don't know I smoke), I need something to keep me from clawing someone's eyes out...

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Quick bulleted update (because I'm lazy like that)...

  • Grace has settled into kindergarten just fine. Although I think she's bored in some of the classes (like computers) because she already knows most of the stuff, overall, she's loving it.
  • Yesterday, in the middle of class, she yanked her own loose tooth out. [shaking head] The kid scares me.
  • Steve's organic kick is getting worse and I pretty much get lectured for every damn thing I put in my mouth. (And yet, he NEVER brings up the fact that I smoke. Damn idiot.)
  • Hannah is still the spawn of the devil and if I have to deal with one more drama queen episode/temper tantrum/holy fit, I may have to adopt her out.
  • We're going with my parents and taking the kids on an overnight trip this Saturday to Sunday. Two days without nicotene. God help us all. (Although it's better than the three days the original trip was supposed to be.)
  • Steve wants to either sell or burn our house and property. This is brought on by the horrendous amount of mold he's found behind the drywall in the downstairs of our rental bungalow in the backyard. He's been working out down there daily for about 3 years now, so he's now convinced he's going to die. [rolling eyes]
  • I just got home from getting my hair cut (first time in 6 months) and highlighted (first time in about a year and a half). I'm feeling all sorts of pretty. Snort!
  • Big Steelers game tonight! WOOHOO! That means take-out wings and beer my friends. Ahhhh....

Other than that, it's the same ol' same ol' around here. I'm really going to try to blog more often again. I kind of miss it.

Sunday, September 03, 2006


[sigh] Today, at 3:00 we have the distinct pleasure of attending a joint surprise 30th/50th birthday party for Steve's uncle and Steve's cousin's husband. That sounds fun, you say? Yeah, um, it's being held at one of the local rod and gun clubs AND it's outside in a pavilion. Again, wouldn't be so bad except it's crappy weather today. Not raining (yet), but cloudy, damp, and dreary. So I get to spend the day watching 2 kids run around getting wet and muddy. Blech.

At least there's beer...